It looks like I update fast but that's because my chapters are not long. Haha ;} I'm not superwoman at fanfic :P *Plus I'm on holiday so I got time on my hands heehee*

Chapter 9: How do you understand?

"I'm not afraid of us," Karin said softly as she looked at Hitsugaya. He could feel her soft yet strong hands against his face, so gentle and light. He had never thought she would think the same thing. He should be elated, he should be happy. He should be practically overjoyed with her response and take her into his arms. She said the word 'us' and it meant just him and her. He got his answer and he did not need to wonder anymore. She held the same affection for him as he did for her.

But then…why was he backing out on the idea? How was it he could not understand the emotions he believed he should feel? Hitsugaya gripped onto Karin's hand and for a second, held it tightly against his face. Karin smiled in her heart. Sadly, it was short lived as she suddenly felt her hand pulled away. Hitsugaya's expression had changed for the result Karin was not looking for.

"I'm sorry," Hitsugaya apologized sadly while he heard his heart break with every second of pulling Karin's hand away from him and back onto the floor. He could not let this happen. There was just no way for an 'us' between them. Hitsugaya got up and immediately turned from Karin. He adjusted his Haori while Karin sat up and looked at Hitsugaya confused and sad. Her heart was tugging itself at all sides, not sure what just supposedly went wrong.

"Did…did I do something wrong?" Karin managed to say out as she felt her insides started to wither away bit by bit. Was he backing out on her? What did she do wrong? Did she interpret his eyes wrongly? Had she given herself away that it scared him?

"Don't be concerned about me. You're late for work," Hitsugaya said coldly to Karin as he turned his back on her and stepped toward his Shoji door. What kind of answer was that to her?

"Hurry up and get dressed properly," Hitsugaya said and without another word or glance at her, he walked away. What was going on? Karin could not understand this sudden change of mindset and why he acted this way so strangely.

"W-wait, Toushirou!" Karin called out for as she stood up and went after him. She could not let this chance escape. How could she? Maybe she would regret it later but she needed to know why he changed his mind of her.

Hitsugaya continued his way down the corridor. He was so angry with himself. Why was he? He had it right there with her but he turned his back against it and her. Why? Yes the question was why? Was it Hyorinmaru? No he could not blame Hyorinmaru, it was not fair. So who was to blame?

Me…

It was he who could not let Karin in. It was a mistake; all that happened was a mistake. He was a Captain, he worked so hard to get there and all his time had to be devoted to his role. He gained his respect through being a prodigy, an embodiment of a heavenly guardian, the youngest to reach captain role and all were held up with his icy exterior to command his squad. If he had let Karin in, he would have portrayed the wrong message to his squad. If Karin got in the way, it might or would throw his effort all out.

"Toushirou!" Karin finally yelled and stomped her foot hard on the ground.

"What?" He snapped coldly and stopped in his tracks. Karin felt a piercing bite at his response to her. It was so cold and bitter. She gritted her teeth and pointed her finger at him. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She could not find the words to say to him. She tried to say but she had no idea what to say to him.

"If you have got nothing to say, hurry up and get to work. I haven't got all day," Hitsugaya said monotonously. Without showing any care on whether she finally mustered up the words to say or not, he opened his door and stepped out, leaving Karin all alone in his house.

As the door closed shut, Karin let her arm drop to her side. She was now alone...by herself…in this empty house.

He just left me here…I thought…I thought I saw something…I thought…I was right…

'I thought' was the only thing Karin could tell herself. She just stood there not sure what to do. What in the world just happened? She swore she felt a different bond formed between him and her at that moment but what happened just proved her wrong. But she could not be wrong. She knew what her instincts told her. Was Hitsugaya afraid of her? How could guys still be afraid of her? Surely a Captain like him could not be afraid of her? So many thoughts that suggested reasons for his actions made Karin nauseated to the core. With a heavy heart, she turned away. This was not fair. He had apologized and then gave her the cold attitude. The physical touch, the moment's bliss, it was all so real to her and then it was blown away by the blizzard himself, like it was all a cruel illusion.

Karin slowly walked back to the room where her uniform lay on the floor. Karin just stood over her uniform and stared down at it. What was she to him? A subordinate? A friend? Or was she something more...or less to him? Was she just taking all this over the top? Was her crush for him so bad that it just manipulated her perception of everything that he had done for her or with her?

But the way he talked to her, it was so different to who he was last night. Why the sudden change? It was as if his heart melted for that night but froze up again a few seconds ago. As Karin recalled him turning his back and walking out, she felt as if she was nothing more than a lump of ice in his world. She picked up her uniform and sat down on the piano seat. Right now, she had felt like her uniform. Just something thrown onto the floor. Karin bowed her head and sighed deeply as she tried to lift her heavy heart. She would have rather just stayed out in the rain then.

It made the pain then so much easier to understand than now.