Decision

A young man sat alone upon the bed; his head between his knees and a vacant expression on his face. It had been only hours since the expedition had ended. Hours still since Adrian had died. Klaus felt the blood against his face as the Titan that ate his friend stood up and smiled. Smiling with it disgusting, stupid face. Klaus had killed it. His rage had made him blackout, but he knew that he had killed that Titan from the stunned expression on Simone's face. Simone… Klaus sighed, his thoughts becoming more morose as he thought about his only surviving friend. They had not spoken since they had started to go back to Wall Rose, after his confrontation with Mikasa Ackerman. "Your father was a better man."

If it had been before, Klaus would been murderously angry for her telling him that his hate was misplaced. Now he simply thought. When had he started hating Mikasa Ackerman and Eren Yeager? Was it that moment Lily had embraced him, sobbing to his three year old self that his father and mother had died? Was it when she had died? Or was it in the aftermath, when Klaus was orphaned and alone, with no one to depend on but himself? Klaus didn't know. The hate that grew inside him day by day as the despair increased became something so familiar it became a part of him. It became something like his heartbeat, which stubbornly, ceaselessly, wanted to beat despite another loss that he felt deep in his heart.

Klaus heard Mikasa Ackerman's word in his head once more. "Would you really sacrifice the fate of humanity for the sake of revenge? Would you really place blame on me when it is really yourself who is to blame? Levi once told Eren no one can know the outcome of their decsions until the end, and that he would have to choose a choice that he would regret the least. I only chose to attack the Female Titan and abandon the Wall because it was a choice I wouldn't regret." Her eyes echoed in his mind. "Your father was a better man."

Had his father truly said those words to the young Eren Yeager before he died? That made Klaus think. Had his father regretted something in his past life that he had wished were different? Did he have any regrets when he died? Did…he think of me as he died? That was the unspoken fear Klaus had despite his admiration for his father and his mother. And for the love he had for them. Was I a mistake that should have been shoved away? Memories of his father's ceaseless patience and of his mother's smiles echoed in his mind. He remembered his father telling him sternly to behave as they said goodbye before an expedition, and of his surprisingly gentle hands as he ruffled his hair. Even now with ten years past his death, Klaus could feel his father's fingers in his dark hair.

His mother sang to him every time he went to sleep when they visited. Her angelic voice as she sang a song incomprehensible to his ears sounded beautiful to his tender mind. Her soft hands as she soothed away his hurts and pain when he accidently tripped, and of how she would tell him that she loved him during the times when his father was tending his garden. Klaus had only seen a glimpse of the garden once, complete with flowers lined up in a row, as his father as crouched beside them, a strange expression on his face. His mother had gently pulled him away as she saw his wide eyes looking at the window, telling him that he would only be able to see the garden when his father said it was okay. Klaus had nodded, excited to have another moment with his father.

Klaus had seen the garden with his father, his large gray eyes wide with amazement as his sight only became aware of the flowers before him. After their deaths, he had managed to plant two seeds into the garden when Lily had caught him doing it. At the time, he didn't understand what it meant to die. How many times had he watched his father put seedlings into the ground after he visited? It, to his tender mind, was something his father would have done. Lily had stared at him for a moment then, sadness across her face, as she came over to him. She had stood proud then, the sun in her eyes with tears rolling down her cheeks. It was at that moment that Klaus thought that Lily wasn't only beautiful and kind; she was strong as well. The garden, like everything else, had died that day.

Klaus had to wonder now if Mikasa Ackerman had meant for his father to die. The death of Humanity's Strongest Soldier had been reported in the newspapers across both of the Walls, and it had stated that Mikasa Ackerman had aimed to kill the Female Titan. Aiming to kill the human herself, thee Female Titan was about to crush the Survey Corps members when Klaus' father had taken the blow herself. When she had been ordered not to. When she had wanted revenge for what the Female Titan did to her precious Eren Yeager. I'm still not over it, am I? Klaus thought as a surge of rage coursed through his thoughts. I still think it's her fault. But… Levi himself had stated a person couldn't sacrifice something important for one's own form of revenge. If that was true, then would the former captain of the Survey Corps be disappointed in his son? Would he hate him?

Sitting now in the darkness, Klaus realized that Eren Yeager didn't mean for his mother, his father, and the Special Operations Squad to die. They all had died protecting him…something that Klaus realized that Eren Yeager regretted with every breath he took. His father had stated no matter who you were, you wouldn't know the outcome of a situation until it was done. He had told a young Eren Yeager to make a choice that he would regret the least. What about Mikasa Ackerman? At the thought of her, Klaus breath hitched and although his hands were curling into fists, he tried his best to see the light of her decisions. She didn't seem to have regret for the decisions she had made in the past. To her, Eren Yeager was her world, and she would do anything to protect him. Klaus thought about what she had said. Simone had indirectly caused Adrian's death, and yet he didn't place blame on her for their friend's death.

Why was that?

…Simone didn't mean for that to happen. "If only I had been faster," she had sobbed, not daring to look into Klaus' vacant eyes. "If only…" she had choked, her arms trembling around her abdomen, squeezing. "If only I…" There are things we cannot control in this world, especially in this one.

So then why did he still blame Mikasa Ackerman for the deaths of those that had fallen, including the ones closet to his heart?

She had chosen to go, to leave us worse than dead…she left us because she believed that abandoning us and allowing her emotions to overwhelm her, subsequently causing my father's death, would be a choice that she wouldn't regret.

Tears splashed onto his hands, looking silver in the light shining from the moon. He trembled. I…hate crying so much. Klaus thought as sobs raked through his body, the liquid rolling heavily down his cheeks. I fucking hate it. I…fucking hate this feeling that I have…since my world had died. Ever since his parents had died, Klaus had felt a hole deep in his heart. Even with him meeting Adrian, the hole had not closed up. It started to become larger and larger as years passed. Then he had joined the Survey Corps, and his heart had started to heal. Klaus, although having hate in his heart, had found slight hope when he was with Adrian and Simone.

Then Adrian had died, leaving him with a bleeding gaping hole that may never heal.

Klaus remembered of what Emil Laurence had said to him not long after the expedition. She had followed him quietly, stopping only when Klaus had snarled at her to get out. She hadn't said anything. She didn't even react to his harsh words. Her eyes met his briefly for a moment when she told him, "You don't think we have sad pasts? Look around you, Klaus. We lost people too, you know. And now with your friend dead, we're more alone than ever." An ironic smile grazed her face. "We're going to depend on one another more than ever. We are all each other has now." A deep frown etched on her face as she glared at the unresponsive Klaus. "So don't you dare think about pushing us away." The short comment she had made stayed with him even as he struggled internally inside. He had pushed them away, although unconsciously. He hadn't wanted to know them besides the ones closest to his heart…because that would be too much pain.

He wondered if his father and mother had the same fear that he had now when they fell in love. Love was not accepted in the Survey Corps, and yet his father and mother had found comfort with each other until the end. And they had him. A boy so enraged and destroyed by their deaths that hatred had almost consumed him.

It…can't go on like this, Klaus thought as he wiped his tears away from his face. I…have to make a decision now. Will I continue to hate and blame Mikasa Ackerman and Eren Yeager? Or…will I forgive them for the choices that they made, and acknowledge that those choices were those that they believed would be a choice of no regrets?

Klaus breathed deeply as he closed his eyes.

And he chose.