A/N Thanks again to all my wonderful reviewers! I know that there's a lot going on in this story, but I'm trying to reveal everything piece by piece. Song lyrics later in this chapter are from ''A Case of You,'' by Joni Mitchell. Please let me know what you think!
''Ok,'' Jasper began. We were once again standing in the elegantly furnished study upstairs, the place where he and I had listened to a record that first day, when I freaked out and went running out of the house after being overwhelmed.
He pulled another record out of the neatly shelved collection. ''I'm going to put on a song, and I want you to let me know what, if anything, you see or feel when you hear it.''
I nodded, agreeing. Jasper set up the record, and I waited as the song began. I'd heard it before, once or twice. I think Renee had liked this band, but I didn't feel any particular way about the song. It wasn't that I disliked it, it just didn't hold any real meaning to me. I watched Jasper's neutral expression and got nothing. No choking, intense bursts of feeling and memory.
I shrugged lamely at him. ''I don't really get much,'' I admitted. Jasper cut the music, pulling the needle off of the record and returning it to its jacket. ''Neither did I,'' he said. ''This was sort of a test, to establish a base-line, if you will.''
Nodding, I braced myself and closed my eyes briefly. ''Ok, put another one on. Let's see what we get.''
Jasper grabbed a second record and slid it onto the player. The female singer's voice was familiar, but the song wasn't. It was sad and beautiful. I let it wash over me and then, suddenly, it came. The sudden wave of energy, alive with flashes and feelings so deep that they began to slice at me. My knees almost buckled and I sucked in a deep breath.
''Bella, it's ok, tell me what's going on!'' Jasper insisted, trying to ground me somehow. ''What do you see?''
Jasper, decades before. At night, standing in an alley behind what looked like a restaurant, maybe a diner. He was watching two people, a man and a woman, but they didn't know he was there. They were too busy arguing with each other. There were tears running down the woman's face. She was short, with long dark hair, and looked a little bit, I thought, like me, only older and more tired. Jasper could feel a mix of emotion bubbling and seething around the couple like a volcano. The woman's feelings of sorrow and betrayal; the man's anger. ''Dumb bitch,'' the man swore at her, ''You're on your own, now.'' The woman tried to reach out, grab him, but he swung out and cracked her across the face, splitting her lip. He shoved her violently away from him, and she fell to the ground, crying. ''I don't want you anymore,'' the man spat, turning quickly and running, leaving the poor woman curled on the ground, sobbing and trying to wipe the blood from her face with the sleeve of her shirt. I felt the terrible conflict within Jasper, his sympathy for this injured woman warring with the diabolically intense thirst that burned within his throat for her blood. It smelled so wonderful that he grew nearly dizzy with desire.
Very slowly, he stepped out of the shadows and walked over to her. She heard the footsteps and turned around. Jasper tried to mask the predatory animal instinct that was quickly taking over him, forcing his voice and expression to maintain a veneer of compassionate concern. She thought he was a good Samaritan of sorts. He knelt down beside her, staring deep into her tearful brown eyes and willed her to be calm, as if injecting her with a needle of psychic Valium. For a brief instant, nothing was wrong in her world. She forgot about her abusive husband, about being abandoned, lying in the street. She could not begin to suspect or imagine the trap that she had fallen into. She had no way to predict that this kind, beautiful man with the hypnotic eyes would, in just a moment seem to change into a demon while she was powerless to react. ''Oh, that's interesting,'' was all she could think before he sank his teeth into her throat. As she felt her body nearly come apart with pain, a car drove by. The window was rolled down and the radio was blasting the same song.
''Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter, and so sweet
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
And I would still be on my feet''
Her last conscious, addled thought, was that it had always been one of her favorites.
''Oh, God, Jasper…that poor woman!'' I gasped, trying to will my heart to stop beating so frantically. ''She was hurt, and bleeding, lying in the alley. You didn't really want to hurt her, you felt sorry for her, but you couldn't control the hunger. It was burning,'' I clutched at my own throat in response, and for one brief, awful instant I could literally taste the sweetness of the woman's blood in my own mouth. ''So, you killed her. You could both hear this song; it was playing inside a car that was passing by. She heard it while she died.'' The song was still playing, now. And though it was fading, I could still taste the blood. I couldn't stand it. ''Turn it off, turn it off NOW!'' I shrieked. The music cut off and disappeared.
I sank to the floor, and wrapped my arms around myself. Jasper hurried over and knelt beside me, pulling me into his arms, a tortured expression on his face. ''I had no idea, Bella, I swear…I'm so sorry, sweetheart.''
He held me and rocked me and I leaned against his chest and sobbed and sobbed, like I was trying to cleanse myself of everything I had just experienced. ''W-why did I get all of that from one song? I was seeing your memories, but it was like I was there and I could feel everything and…''
''And you must think the worst of me,'' Jasper added. He had a pained, sick expression on his face. ''You've….'' He broke off and held me even more tightly, pressing a kiss against the side of my face.
I drew in breath after breath, counting, forcing the last lingering ghosts of the vision to fade away, waited for the emotional pain to dull and evaporate. I clutched Jasper and whispered, ''I don't think the worst of you,'' I swallowed, my throat dry. ''I lo—'', I tried to form the words but my lips struggled. I tried again, ''Jasper I think…no, somehow I know that I love you. I can't help it. Just the way that you can't help what you are. You try, though. That's what counts.'' I shuddered, though, as an image of the woman's lifeless eyes flooded into my mind again, briefly, before disappearing.
''See, this is just one of the things that makes you extraordinary, Bella,'' Jasper said, his mouth set in a grim line. ''You really do understand and care about things that nobody should ever have to did see into my memory. Somehow, when you heard that song, your empathic connection to me saw and felt everything in my mind that was tied to it. It was as though all of that energy stayed contained until a trigger set it loose. And somehow you were dragged into that memory of mine, and forced to re-live it. What's worse is, I was influencing that woman's emotions, to make her more docile, and so somehow through me you also may have linked to her for an instant. ''
Shaking his head miserably, Jasper added, ''You didn't deserve that, to see and feel all of the evil I've committed.'' He laughed bitterly. ''Edward thinks he knows what he's talking about, spouting off about damnation…he has no idea. He wouldn't even begin to understand what real damnation is. But now you do. And I'm so sorry.''
''I'm not damned,'' I murmured. The jolt of adrenaline caused by my empathic vision was now quickly wearing off and I was crashing into a kind of sleepy stupor. ''And neither are you. I think…whatever's happening to me, and to us, well…it's supposed to be like this. I'm not sure why, but somehow I just know.''
My eyelids were heavy now, slowly fluttering closed. ''It seems like there's nothin' I need to hide from you, sweet Bella,'' Jasper whispered into my hair. ''And I'm sure you already know this, but I love you, too. ''
I smiled. The shock and horror of the memory was quickly dissipating. Once it had passed through me, once I had processed it like a filter, the pain, the weight of it disappeared. But I did wonder about one thing, though I seemed to be falling asleep in Jasper's arms. ''Jasper, why did you pick that song? I mean, I know that you were testing this weird new…ability or whatever that I have but… somehow you must have known that there was a chance that I would see and feel what I did. Why did you want me to see that memory?''
Jasper ran his fingers through my hair, soothingly. ''Maybe because…because I wanted you to really understand what it means to be one of us. The uncontrollable hunger. Maybe in some way I was testing more than your abilities. I think I wanted to be sure that you saw every part of who I am and who I've been. And then I'd know for sure if…if you could stand it. If you could really love me. And,'' he continued, voice growing softer, ''if you could forgive me. Absolve me, so to speak.''
His voice dropped again, and, so quietly that I barely heard him, he said ''I don't think I've ever hated myself quite as much as I did that night. Even before, with Maria…it was never like that. I'd never really felt so sickened by guilt. That woman, she was so sad. He hurt her somethin' awful, abandoned her. And part of me truly wanted to help her, to pick her up, dust her off and tell her that everything would be fine. But there's always that other part, the hungry part, the killer. And back then, I didn't have the self-control I do now. The killer won, every time.''
Jasper sighed, his voice tinged with the bitter, sharp edges of memory. ''She looked a lot like you too, just older, more worn down. She's always haunted me; her eyes. The way she looked at me so hopefully and gratefully, trusting, even until the end. She never even screamed.''
I nodded, my eyes finally having fallen closed. For some reason, I reached out my hand, my fingers searching until they rested against the cold skin of Jasper's face. I felt him press a small kiss against my palm. With this silent gesture, he knew, I forgave him. And somehow, I felt a certainty that, whoever Jasper's weary, sorrowful victim was, through me she had forgiven him too.
I felt Jasper lift me into his arms and carry me out of the room and down the hall. He set me down on a bed, covered me with a blanket. ''You rest now, Bella. Save your strength. I'll wake you when it's time to go.''
''It feels like we've already left,'' I murmured softly, drifting completely into sleep.