Disclaimer: Clannad the visual novel is the property of Key and their respective partners. Likewise, Clannad the anime belongs to Key and Kyoto Animation. I'm not making any money with this fanfic.
Author's notes: I'm dreadfully sorry for my lenghty absence. Numerous things have been distracting me in the past two months, and I was forced to push the writing of this story later and later, until I had managed to get more pressing matters sorted out. Now, I can finally give this story the attention it deserves. Again, my deepest gratitude to the people who reviewed the last chapter, as well as to my beta-reader, Anya Anthony, for all of her work and support.
Without further delay, here is chapter ten. I hope you all enjoy it.
The library of Hikarizaka wasn't a very big building. Then again, the town itself wasn't very big, so the library's size was quite adequate to fit the needs of its visitors. More important than size, there existed a tranquil atmosphere one would've been hard-pressed to find in larger towns or cities: The narrow paths between bookshelves, the shadowy, secluded corners, the smell of old tomes - it all created an ambience one simply couldn't ignore. Even now, with the library filled with high school students doing their homework and studying, the building was remarkably quiet, an occasional giggle or laugh being the loudest noises and even they were quickly suppressed.
Fujibayashi Ryou sat in one of the most secluded corners of the library, completely quiet save for a flip of a page or a hastily scribbled note every now and then. She, like many others, was sitting in the murky library despite the warm sunshine outside, choosing to concentrate on her studies instead of having fun on the bright September day. Whereas the rest of the senior high school students in the library were busy studying for entrance exams, however, she had drowned herself in highly advanced pathology - a far deeper subject than was expected of a student of her age. The small desk in front of her was filled with thick books, several tall piles looking like they could collapse on her by the slightest push. Her eyes darted between several open books that were placed in front of her, their language dry and filled with complicated terminology. Occasionally, she briefly looked up from the tomes to write something down in the memo on her lap - only to resume deciphering the medical jargon a heartbeat later.
It was September. A little over a month had passed since Furukawa Nagisa had fallen ill again, and although this time was seemingly no different from her last collapse and absence from school, it was drawing on much longer than anyone had anticipated - save for, of course, Ryou. She was painfully aware that if left unchecked, the brunette's illness would draw on until next spring, making graduation with her friends impossible. Knowing this in advance, almost immediately after Nagisa had fallen ill, the timid Fujibayashi had begun identifying her illness and devising a way to cure it. If she recalled right, she had time until Nagisa's next birthday, the Christmas Eve, to cure her - from that point on, Nagisa's absence count became too high and she would be forced to repeat her senior year again. She had accounted for that much.
However, there was so much she hadn't accounted for.
The first thing was that Nagisa's disease, from a pathological point of view, made absolutely no sense. It was easy for someone who didn't understand human physiology fully to claim that her condition was simply due to her being physically weak - but in reality, there was no such disease as 'weakness'. Granted, having frail health tended to lower one's immunity, making one prone to catch a cold or a fever as well as prolonging recovery from them, but to suffer from these common illnesses for as long as a month, not to mention almost half of a year was completely unheard of! Human body either on its own or with the aid of medicine manages to destroy the virus in a few weeks at latest, because prolonged fever will eventually kill the body! However, Nagisa's illness didn't seem to care about these medical facts: She had remained bed-ridden for over a month, and every time she had began feeling a bit better and tried to do something, her fever had gone up again.
Likewise, the results of the tests they had run on her at the hospital - which Nagisa's parents had copied for her after she had told them of her ambitions to cure her - were just as cryptic. The diagnosis of her blood indicated that her immunity system was working just like it was supposed to when one had a fever, but there was no sign of a foreign virus in her body. Judging by the results, the brunette's immunity system was simply acting up on its own, which in turn suggested an auto-immunity disease: A rare and dangerous disease where the immunity system began attacking against itself. However, as they had run more tests on her, they had confirmed that this couldn't be the case - she would've died long ago already if it was. So, the second option had been a rare hereditary illness, but a quick talk with Akio and Sanae hadn't revealed any particular diseases in either of their family line. In the end, the doctors had concluded that Nagisa's body was simply far more sensitive than average, reacting to a stimulus that body normally automatically passed on, something that couldn't be detected in the tests. Thus, their suggestion had simply been to treat her like someone who had been struck with cold until her strength returned on its own.
Ryou knew, however, that that would take far too long.
That was the reason she had spent almost all of her free time nose in books, trying to spot something the doctors had missed. Her friend's illness was not something as simple as 'weakness' or 'over-sensitive body', she was certain of that; Just because the doctors hadn't managed to find a better answer didn't mean she couldn't do it. No, she would definitely find out the truth behind her disease and then cure her!
Just who else could do it, really?
Rubbing her eyes, Ryou leaned backwards in her chair, stretching her arms and back the best she could as she let out a small squeak, becoming aware of how sore her muscles had become from sitting still so much. Her research didn't limit only to the library, of course: She carried a thick memo and a pile of notes everywhere she went, spending most of the time between her lessons in school - and sometimes even during the lessons - going through her notes. She read the papers even before she went to bed, and her sleep had ended up short thanks to that more than once already, much to the irritation of her sister.
Onee-chan, she suddenly thought sorrowfully. It had been little over a month since their relationship had been turned upside down - and this was the second time already. She didn't think she could properly describe the sense of loss her sudden amnesia had caused, not to mention the over-whelming fear that they would return to the awkward, painful situation they had been in for a better part of the spring, when she had tried to hide the fact that she had come back from the future. However, even though Kyou had obviously lost all of her memories concerning her sister's unbelievable condition, her feelings still remained: She was still the supportive older sister Ryou was familiar with and if anything, strived to be even closer to her than before. Needless to say, it had been a huge relief.
Of course, that isn't to say everything was just smiles and sunshine between the twins. Now that Kyou could no longer remember the unfortunate fate of the Okazaki family, Ryou had had to return to giving her sister vague answers that bordered blatant lies when it came to the topics she wanted to avoid. The only thing she could tell with a straight face was that she was attempting to cure Nagisa - but the reasons behind it were something she simply had to keep hidden. To make matters worse, it seemed that Kyou knew exactly that her sister didn't want to share some information with her, because each time she noticed she was approaching the topic, she meekly and awkwardly changed the subject - something Ryou would've never expected her to do, given her nature. It wasn't as bad as the confusion last spring, but it wasn't much better, either.
However, as every cloud has a silver lining, Ryou had eventually found some positive outcome in her sister's amnesia, too. She had seen how much in pain she had been, having to just sit tight and witness the Sunohara siblings' problems from afar without interfering. Being so troubled from just that, she didn't want to even think how she would fare watching Nagisa waste one year of her life by laying in bed, all the while knowing that nothing she could do would help her.
No, she stated, determinately. I will not let onee-chan experience something that horrible. Even though it pained her greatly, even more than in the first time, she knew that she would have to keep Kyou oblivious of the future - of her little sister's 'condition'. It was my selfishness and weakness that made me share everything with her. I will not make the same mistake twice. Not even if it means I'm all alone in the end.
Of course, there was no way she'd be all alone.
"Hello, Ryou-san!" The jovial greeting caused Ryou to turn around in her chair. Gazing at the direction of where the yell had come from, she pressed a finger to her lips and gave the man standing in the other end of the hallway a slightly scolding stare. Pressing a hand of over his mouth, the said man blushed and looked around him to make sure no one had been disturbed by his loud yell before making his way towards the corner she was sitting in.
"Kappei-san," she spoke softly. "You should keep your tone down in the library."
"Ah-ha-ha, my bad, my bad," he said more quietly, scratching the back of his neck. "Sorry about that, I just didn't want to scare you and make you knock down your books like the last time. Oh, here, I brought you some coffee."
"Ah, thank you very much," she said, receiving the canned drink with a smile. The evening Kyou had lost her memories had been significant in more than just that sense. Starting that day, Hiiragi Kappei had become her support just like he had vowed, doing his best to help her in any way possible with her goal of curing Nagisa. Very soon, however, it had become obvious that about the only thing he could do was to bring her a can of coffee every now and then and keep her company for a few hours between him getting off work and her having to go back home. In a few days' time, Ryou had already started regretting her decision of accepting his help: Hadn't she simply chained yet another person into a gruelling, ungrateful task reserved only for her? Wasn't he just as prone to buckle under its weight as her sister?
However, Kappei never showed even a hint of frustration or restlessness, not even when she had expressed her fears of him collapsing under pressure: He had simply smiled that cheerful smile of his and replied being fine. He sought her out every day he could, care-freely talking about mundane, everyday topics, occasionally rambling about whatever poetic concept he had dwelt on that day. On the days when she was busy or otherwise stressed and wasn't in the mood for conversation he simply sat there next to her in silence, watching her drown herself in the old books without a word of complaint. When she eventually looked up and realized that an hour had passed and apologized, ashamed, he simply replied that it was fine and he didn't mind at all - and every time she knew that he was telling the truth.
"Hehe, it feels like you're going through more and more books every time I see you," the blonde commented, throwing an amused glance at the desk loaded with books. Ryou glanced up at him, temporarily broken from her reverie, and smiled a self-ironic smile.
"Yes, I'm beginning to feel that I really don't know the meaning of 'restraint'," she admitted. "But every time I take a new book from the shelf, I need at least three other books to understand the meaning of all the words there." Sighing, she dared a small, content smile. "I feel like I'm getting better reading them, though."
"As expected, really," he said, sipping his coffee and smiling reassuringly. "You're very smart, Ryou-san - I wouldn't be surprised if you memorized all these books by Christmas."
"Please," she protested, blushing. "I'm not smart like that at all." Then, with a giggle, added: "Besides, there's too much information for anyone to memorize, really. It's plain impossible."
"I suppose," he admitted with a chuckle of his own. The two continued to quietly converse in the corner of the library, Kappei describing what his day in work had been like and Ryou in turn telling what she had done in school that day.
"How's your research doing, by the way?" he asked at some point, eyeing the thick pile of hand-made notes with slight awe. The tone of his voice was friendly and conversational, without a hint of underlying tones or hidden meanings. Had the question come from anyone else, she was certain they'd be trying to probe her psyche, but Kappei lacked the subtlety needed to ask questions with ulterior motives altogether. Because of his sheer honesty, she decided to answer truthfully, too.
"I've managed to get several leads: A few combinations of different kinds of illnesses that I believe were overlooked because of their rarity," she explained, glancing at the top-most paper of the pile filled with scribbled notes. Nodding to herself a few times, she continued with a firm tone: "Yes, they just might be the answer to Nagisa-chan's condition." The blonde once again glanced at the messy notes, nodding sagely. Soon, however, he turned his eyes back on Ryou, waiting for her to finish.
"But," she eventually gave in, sighing and casting her eyes slightly down. "None of them seems to be the match I've been looking for. The symptoms never fit perfectly, plus there's the thing that they are, after all, extremely rare." A hollow smirk flashed on her face. "Almost supernatural, really," she said, realizing a heartbeat later how weak the attempt of a joke had been. I shouldn't be thinking of something impossible.
Drawing in a wavering breath, she shook her head to rid herself of the negative thoughts her own words had caused. Kappei continued to stare at her, the look in his eyes serious and steady. Slowly, Ryou raised her gaze from the floor, flashing a small smile to him. "However, I'm planning to get to the bottom of all of them nonetheless; right now they're the best clue I have."
"That's the spirit!" he said, smiling his trademark smile. "Don't give up, I'm sure you'll find the answer eventually - someone as hard-working as you can't possibly be left empty-handed!" Leaning closer, the blonde rested his hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. The warmth from his fingertips seemed to reach all the way to her heart. "Remember, I'm right here to help you. Just say the word!" Upon hearing that, she couldn't help smiling.
"Thank you, Kappei-san."
Her sister might've lost her memory, but Ryou was by no means unsupported. In the short time she had known him, Kappei had already proved to be of great help. Even if his support didn't limit to anything else than keeping her company, it was already enough to lift her spirits. He simply had that strong of an influence.
Yes, with Kappei-san's support, I can't possibly fail in this. I simply don't have a choice, she assured herself, doing her best to ignore the budding uncertainty inside her.
October. Days gradually grew cooler and nights colder, and the gusty autumn wind began blowing golden leaves through the city streets. Two young people, dressed in coats, strolled casually through the town, both ignoring the dance of the leaves around them.
"What would you like to eat, Kappei-san?" The man shrugged a bit hesitantly.
"I wouldn't mind some decent-prized sushi right now," he replied in a roundabout manner, but soon gave the woman beside him a worried glance. "But is eating outside really alright, Ryou-san? I mean, I don't really mind it, since you asked me, but this would make it the third time this week, right?" She smiled before replying.
"I still have some of this month's allowance, don't worry."
"Ah, ah, that's not what I meant! Of course I'll treat you - I mean, you're still a high school student without a part-time job and I have a steady income! Besides, it's only natural for a gentleman to handle the bill; of course I'll be the one to pay for tonight's meal…" The blonde gestured wildly as he rambled on as he tried to fix the misunderstanding which, judging by the amused smile on her face, never existed in the first place.
"That is very sweet of you, Kappei-san, thank you very much," she said, speeding her walking up a little. "So, sushi it is. I know a good place that's nearby."
"Ryou-san," the man protested, trying to match his speed to hers by taking a few swift steps which, strangely, didn't narrow the distance between them very much. "Please, could you wait up a little bit?" He called out, causing her to look back at him over her shoulder with a confused look on her face. Never before had he asked her to slow down or wait, he had always been fast enough to catch up to her on his own. She was about to ask him what was wrong, but soon he was back walking on her side continuing his speech as if nothing strange had happened, and her wonder disappeared as quickly as it had come.
"That's not what I meant," Kappei said, worry lacing his voice. "I mean, you're almost always having dinner with your family, but lately you've been eating out kind of often. Is that alright with your folks?"
"Is there something wrong with wanting to eat dinner with your friend every now and then?" she replied swiftly, her voice slightly pointed. A surprised and startled look flashed over his face, and she immediately regretted her words.
"N-no, no, that's not it! I, I'm very happy to eat with you, Ryou-san, I wouldn't accuse you of-!"
"No, I'm sorry, Kappei-san," she cut in, looking at him apologetically. "I didn't mean to lash out at you. I'm very sorry," she repeated and gave him a small, apologetic bow. Forcing a small smile on her face, she turned her gaze away. "There's nothing for you to be worried about, really. I just…" For a brief while, sadness flickered in her teal orbs as she searched for the right words. Under his glance, the smile she had managed to conjure up fell apart, and she heaved out a sigh.
"I just wanted to get out of the house. I've already told them that I'd be eating out with you, so it's alright." She did her best to give a small laugh despite his worried gaze, but the sound was mirthless, only a shadow of a genuine one. An awkward silence fell. Ryou didn't really want to elaborate more, but she could feel his eyes on her, prompting her to continue. A sudden gust of cool wind blew past them, and she instinctively wrapped her arms around herself, but it did little to ease the chill that seemed to emanate from some part of her heart. "It's," she eventually said, licking her dry lips absently. "It's about me and onee-chan. Truth to be told, it'd be better if we took some distance to each other for the time being." She didn't look at him. She didn't want to see what kind of an expression he might wear.
"… Did she finally notice how badly you've been sleeping?" he eventually asked in a small voice. Ryou smiled slightly, despite herself.
"She must've noticed it right away." Absently, she reached for the skin under her eyes, removing some of the make-up she had spread over the darkened skin. "But she also must've seen how much I tried to hide it and didn't say anything for a better part of a week. I never would've thought she'd manage to hold herself back for that long." Giggle escaped from her lips. "It's a miracle in itself, really."
"Was Kyou-nee-san angry?" Ryou bit her lip.
"It… It would've been better if she had been," she replied quietly, glancing on the ground. "Rather, she's worried sick. She… She pleaded me to think of my health more, with tears in her eyes. I did my best to explain, tried to make her see it from my point of view, but… I'm not sure if she understood." Silence, and again she refused to look into his eyes. "Well," she began soon, with more strength in her voice. "She was already feeling much better about it today. If I give it a few more days, I'm sure she'll be fine."
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," the blonde said, the worry in his voice diluting a little. The two arrived in front of the sushi restaurant a few moments later, and the direction of the conversation took a turn towards more light-hearted topics as they dined. However, every now and then Kappei threw a slightly worried look at her, only to turn his gaze back into normal a heartbeat later. There seemed to something in Ryou's conduct that bothered him, but she was oblivious to both his glances and the cause of it.
Eventually:
"Is it really that bad?" Kappei asked out of the blue, cutting short his explanation of the anime he had watched yesterday.
"Huh?" For a while, she simply stared at him across the table, watching his expression grow more and more worried due to her confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Your chopsticks," he said simply. "Or, actually, your hands." Blinking once, she looked down.
"…" Wordlessly, she stared at the hand she was holding her chopsticks with, seeing how they clattered quietly against each other. Frowning, she tried to ease the hold on them, but to no avail: Her hand kept shaking uncontrollably. Slowly, she lowered the chopsticks on her plate, doing her best not to cause any unnecessary noise, and raised both of her hands in front of her.
"I… I hadn't even noticed…" she murmured, looking at her small, trembling hands. Looking up, she saw profound worry in those yellowish brown orbs. "This has never happened before… Not even when I…" Falling silent, Ryou turned her gaze back on her hands. Not even when I worked in the hospital and had horrible lack of sleep. But there's no way I can tell you that. "This has never happened before," she concluded quietly.
"Ryou-san," the blonde said, placing his own chopsticks down and nailing his gaze on hers. Even though his eyes held no hostility, she had to fight herself not to look away. "How many hours of sleep have you been getting lately?"
"Ah, um…" she stuttered, feeling how something heavy settled in her stomach. "That's… Exactly what onee-chan asked me, too…" she said evasively, grimacing mentally as the memory of that question, and the intense debate that had followed, flashed in her mind. As silence drew on, it became clear that he wouldn't be satisfied with just that: The look in his eyes hadn't changed one bit. Swallowing, she continued: "That's… It's not very much."
"How many hours, Ryou-san?" he repeated, his voice gentle, yet demanding. Blush rose on her cheeks as she turned her eyes downwards.
"Three to four hours," she replied in a voice barely above a whisper. "Occasionally, even less." He didn't say anything for a while, and she didn't dare look into his eyes in fear of seeing a similar expression her sister had worn; shock, anger, sorrow, and worry. In the awkward silence, the trembling of her hands seemed to become even worse. Oh, God, it's really bad, isn't it? She braced herself for whatever he would lash out at her.
"… Do you want me to get you some sleeping pills?" he finally asked. She raised her head swiftly in surprise and flinched as her eyes met his. The brown orbs seemed to radiate warmth, holding no condemnation or judgement of any kind. However, there was deep, deep worry, and she wondered if she could drown herself if she stared into his eyes long enough. Not being able to hold the eye contact, she looked away.
"Aren't you angry?" she asked quietly, fighting against the tightness of her throat. Onee-chan was angry. So very angry and so very hurt.
"I know you do what you have to do, Ryou-san," he replied gently, the tone of his voice almost causing tears to spill out of her eyes. "I wouldn't dream of straying you from your path; I know that you're staying up so late so that you can work on your research. I can only cheer you on and help you on times like this." Then, his tone of voice became a bit more cheerful. "So, just tell me how much you want, and I'll get them for you! I should have plenty at home, and I can always get more from my workplace!" A small voice in the back of her mind told her that she should ask him why he would have plenty of sleeping pills, but she was too busy trying to stop her tears from falling to pay attention.
"Really..." she managed to mumble, casting her eyes down, feeling how the tears burned in them, begging to be released. "Really, than-… Thank you, Kappei-san…" Clenching her fists, she did her best to get the shaking under control, but to her frustration, the hands simply didn't stop trembling. Soon, she felt two slim hands took hold of her own firmly yet gently. As she looked up, she saw the blonde smiling at her cheerfully, not a trace of worry on his face anymore nor a hint of doubt in his voice.
"I know you can do it, Ryou-san. I know you can save Nagisa-chan; I know you can save your friends. Just do your best, alright? Just like I promised, I'll be here to help you."
The trembling stopped, but the tears didn't. Hot trails burned on her cheeks as she cried against hers and Kappei's entwined hands, but she didn't care anymore.
I'll press on. I'll press on, no matter what it takes.
November. The leaves fell, one by one, leaving the trees standing barren along the roads and streets. The rain, which had been cool and refreshing up to now, became cold and icy, and the pressure in the air began building up. Winter was near.
"Here, Ryou-san, your tea."
"… Thank you."
"Oh, and help yourself for some sweets, too. Too bad I suck at baking, so you'll have to do with the ones bought from the convenience store, hehe."
"… It's okay."
"Ah, I almost forgot: Today they're airing the first episode of that new anime series I've been telling you about! The manga has reaped a lot of fame, so everyone's looking forward to see how well the anime will do. Would you like to watch it, too? You're always telling me you keep missing the first few episodes of new series and can't get on because of that - this is a perfect opportunity to fix that!"
"… No thank you."
"… Well, suit yourself."
Near silence fell in the small apartment, the only sound being the occasional flip of page coming from one of the open books spread around the indigo-haired girl. Eyes that seemed more than just a little glazed darted between the different texts lazily, every now and then sharpening as they fixed on a particular word or a phrase, only to revert back into the tired look a few moments later. Because she never raised her gaze from her work, she couldn't see the yellowish brown orbs staring into her teal ones from across the table.
"… Your tea is getting cold," Kappei pointed out in a soft voice. She blinked a couple of times before finally raising her eyes, and even then she stared for a long while at the blonde, as if not comprehending what he had just said. It wasn't until he gestured towards the steaming cup in front of her that she finally seemed to grasp the situation.
"… Ah, yes," she muttered, lowering the book on her lap and reaching for the cup and the tray of sweets on the table. "I suppose a small break is needed, right?" The man across the table smiled and nodded vigorously.
"Yeah, yeah. Brain is a muscle too - it needs a breather every now and then as well." Ryou's mouth twitched slightly, as if trying to break into a smile, but the expression died halfway through and she settled with a blank nod instead. Kappei didn't seem to be particularly bothered, for he continued talking in his trademark cheerful tone. "Say, are the new sleeping pills working? Are you getting more sleep than with the last ones?" A wordless nod. "How many hours?"
"Six to seven on average," she replied, sipping her tea. For some reason, she couldn't register the taste at all. The blonde frowned.
"That's strange," he mused. "They're supposed to give you at least eight hours of undisturbed sleep - they're rather strong, after all. Well, I suppose some people are more resistant to them." Suddenly, he narrowed his eyes ever-so-slightly. "Say, how many do you take before you go to bed? Sometimes, it's alright to take as much as two…"
"At least three," she said blankly, and saw how Kappei's eyes widened and an anguished look passed over his face. Frowning ever-so-slightly, she tilted her head to the side, the clouded look in her eyes coming a little apart. "Kappei-san? Is something wrong?" Squeezing his eyes shut, the man drank the rest of his tea - which was still uncomfortably hot - in one gulp. When he opened his eyes again, the cheerful mask was back in its place again.
"Ah, nothing's wrong! Like I said, some people are more resistant to the sleeping pills, so I suppose you just have to take that many. Excuse me, I'm going to pour myself a new cup of tea." With that, the blonde pushed himself to his feet with some effort and walked to the kitchen corner. Ryou stared at his back for a short while, frowning: There was something strange in his behaviour, but she couldn't tell what or how she should've reacted to it. Absently, she reached for the sweet tray with her free hand, bringing her haul to her mouth without even looking at it.
"…" Her chewing came to a halt as a sweet taste over-whelmed her mouth. Even though muffled, the pleasant flavour was still very strong, and she could feel the corners of her mouth involuntarily reaching upwards. Swallowing, she looked down on whatever she was eating, and found herself holding a stick with three multi-coloured globes, of which the third was about half-eaten. Wordlessly, she could stare at the sweet things, trying to repel the haze in her mind so that she could recognize them.
"… Dumplings," she muttered eventually, finding the right word. She could feel how her senses sharpened a bit, the thick mist behind her eyes coming a little apart.
"Yeah, dumplings," Kappei confirmed with a grin as he sat down on the other side of the table. "They're a personal favourite of mine. Do you like them, too?" Upon seeing her nod, he continued with a self-content smile. "If you want to see something nice, turn them around a little bit," he told her in a secretive tone, and she complied. Seeing how her eyes widened, he let out a hearty chuckle. "You recognize what it is, right?"
"… It's… It's…" Words wouldn't come out. The two remaining dumpling stared at her with their long, streaky eyes. Looking more closely upon the tray of dumplings, she noticed that every single one had a pair of eyes painted on them. She felt herself trembling a bit. "… It's a whole family…"
"Yeah, it's the Big Dango Family!" Kappei exclaimed in glee, grabbing a trio of dumplings in a stick and grinning proudly. "I painted all of these today. It was actually fun to grab a brush again - I haven't got to do it since junior high!" Then, blushing slightly, he scratched his cheek. "Although I can't take credit for the idea. This was originally Tomoya-kun's idea, and I heard from Nagisa-chan that he used it to cheer her up when she was feeling down." The blush deepened a bit, and he turned his gaze on his lap. "So, uhm, I thought that this would, well… I thought this would cheer you up a little bit, too - I mean, is there really someone who can hate the Big Dango Family?" Again, his cheerful laughter rang in the air. She could feel how her heart began stinging.
"I'm… Very grateful, Kappei-san," Ryou muttered, gazing down at the dumplings that were becoming blurry; It seemed that even her vision was beginning to fail her now. "Really, thank you so much for this. It means a lot," she said before raising the sweets to her mouth again. It really means a lot. More than I could ever tell you. "But, really," she said with a small giggle between her bites. "It's just like you to buy salty ones, Kappei-san." Sting. Sting.
"Uhm, Ryou-san, are you…?"
"Oh, and not that I'm complaining," she said, raising her eyebrow as she bit on a new dumpling. "But what's the idea of soaking them? Is salt water some kind of a new seasoning? Ah well, it's good either way." Swallowing the rest of her dumpling, she fixed her eyes on the blonde - only to find out that she couldn't make out anything in front of her. Slowly, she became aware of the stinging and burning in her eyes, as well as the trails of tears that flowed from her eyes, dripping on the plate of dumplings on her lap. Little by little, she became aware of just how many sad memories were flashing past her eyes. Her hands, which had been remarkably steady ever since she had started getting enough sleep again, began to tremble.
"I… I don't… Understand…" she tried, blinking furiously. "Why am I crying?" If she could convince herself that she really didn't know, the crying would stop. She was certain of that. "This is what made Nagisa-chan feel better, so why don't I…? Why Nagisa-chan, but not I?" But, of course, there was no way she could fool herself. Her hands shook even more violently. "Why, why Nagisa-chan…? Why, why?" she repeated in a hollow voice, her voice breaking. "Why can't I cure Nagisa-chan? Why can't I help her? Why can't I find out what is wrong with her?" With every said word, her voice grew fainter, until eventually it trailed into nothingness. Her lips still moved, forming the word 'why' over and over again even though no sound came out anymore. Her connection to reality grew tenuous, and soon she could no longer register any connection to the real world; there was no apartment, no table, no tray of dumplings, no books around her - she seemed completely engulfed in darkness, accompanied by nothing but her despair.
Why can't I find out what is killing you, Nagisa-chan? Why am I so helpless?
"Shh, Ryou-san," a voice, warm and soft, whispered into her ear, breaking through the dark haze. It tickled her earlobe, warmed her skin - she could feel how the vibrations of the speaker's vocal cords travelled all over her facial muscles. "It's alright now. I'm right here. I'm right here to help you." Slim hands wrapped around her shoulders from behind, and she felt herself pulled gently backwards until her back met something warm and firm - it was his chest, she was certain of that. Locks of blonde hair swished past her face as a head was placed on her shoulder, chin resting on her chest. His scent filled her nostrils: disinfectants, deodorant, aftershave, dumplings, green tea. A cheek pressed against her own, more and more of her tears soaking into the hair that threatened to obscure what was left of her vision.
She cried. He was warm. His arms, his fingers, his chest, his cheeks, his murmured words of comfort all radiated warmth across her body, repelling the cold and darkness that had plagued her but a few moments ago. She drank of the sensation of his cheek against hers, leaned weakly against the chest that supported her, clutched the arms wrapped around her as she desperately sought to have more of that warmth. And in response, he hugged her tighter, pressed her even closer to him, breathed more on her skin.
"I know you can do it, Ryou-san. Just keep doing your best."
She just couldn't stop crying.
When she eventually fell asleep, it was for the first time in weeks she did so without the aid of sleeping medicine.
It was also the first night she spent in Hiiragi Kappei's apartment.
December. The bark of the naked trees grew dark from the continuous moistness and cold, and the few leaves that still flew through the air had long since lost their vibrant colour, morphing into a lifeless brown instead. It was cold now; people's breaths came in small white puffs as they walked on the streets, tightening their scarves and coats as they were struck by gusts of frigid air. The only thing missing was the snow which stubbornly refused to fall down even though dark grey clouds often hovered above the town.
Fujibayashi Ryou woke up slowly, spending a good time simply lying still and staring at the ceiling of her room. From downstairs, she could hear footsteps, speech, and laughter; the sounds of her family. Judging from the tones of their voices, they had been awake for a few hours already. Glancing at the alarm clock, she confirmed that it was a little over noon, but still didn't show any intent of waking up. She nailed her gaze on the ceiling again.
She didn't use sleeping medicine anymore. She was already so used to it that she had to take several pills if she wanted to fall asleep, and the after-effects muffled her senses so much that she could register barely anything the next day. Most importantly, he had insisted her not to, telling her he couldn't stand seeing her all drugged up anymore. He had told her to seek him out instead whenever she had trouble falling asleep.
So, Ryou had ended up sleeping at Kappei's several times during the last month. She often showed up late, sometimes even dead at night, waking him up from his peaceful slumber. He never complained, though, but instead made her some tea before preparing a bed for her, listening to whatever she had on her heart if she wasn't too tired to tell him. Mostly, the talk revolved around how she couldn't find a cure for Nagisa's disease no matter how hard she tried, and she always ended up crying herself to sleep on those nights. And he would always be there, holding her until her shaking stopped, telling her how she would surely devise a way to help her and how everything was going to be alright. She would always sleep peacefully for several nights afterwards.
She threw a glance at the messy piles of books and notes on her desk. Unlike she had originally told him, she had already memorized most of the things she had written down; she could probably read them out loud from her memory, word to word, if you asked her. However, she kept reading them over and over again, trying to find something she had missed previously. Normally, in Sundays like this, she would already be going through her scribbling, stopping only to eat and visit the bathroom every now and then. Normally.
Ryou pushed herself slowly on her feet, finally roused into action, and left her room as she headed for the bathroom. That's right, today wasn't a normal Sunday. Today, she had promised to do something important.
"Morning, Ryou," her sister greeted her as she was about to enter the bathroom. "Although you can hardly call this a morning anymore," she noted a heartbeat later, folding her arms in front of her chest. Ryou did her best to smile, but the expression felt awkward, and a blush rose to her cheeks soon.
"Good morning, onee-chan," she replied timidly. "I'm sorry for over-sleeping." Just how many times had she apologized to her sister during the last few months? She couldn't even begin to count.
"Did you sleep well?" she asked, brushing her apologies off with a shrug. When she nodded, a small, content smile spread on her face. "That's good, then. A few more well slept nights, and I'm sure the rest of the dark under your eyes will disappear, too." Ryou instinctively turned her gaze down, but forcefully raised it up again. She owed as much as an eye contact to her sister.
"I hope so," she replied, daring a smile of her own. Kyou nodded reassuringly, but then the smile she wore faltered a little bit.
"Say," she began hesitantly. "Are you free today? If you could take a break, we could go out to the town, maybe visit a few shops or something like that…?" The timid expression on the long-haired sister's face caused her throat to tighten, and a guilty look flashed on her face briefly before she forced it down. It was too late, however: She had already noticed the change in her expression, and turned her eyes downwards. "I guess that's a no, huh?"
"Sorry, onee-chan," she apologized, smiling softly. "But I already promised Kappei-san that I'd spend today with him. He really insisted." Kyou blinked a couple of times before raising her head. Shockingly, there wasn't disappointment or frustration in her eyes; Instead, she looked positively surprised. She gave a small, delighted laugh.
"Kappei, huh?" she mused, sighing. "Well, it's okay. I'm no match against him, really." Briefly, an urge to deny her sister's words flashed in Ryou's mind, but the words died on her lips. Kyou smiled as she continued. "To be honest, I'm just happy to see you go out for a chance. You really need to take your mind off things every once in a while." The long-haired twin flinched as she saw a despaired look pass over her face; her words seemed to have just the opposite of the intended effect.
"Ah, ah, but you can't really be thinking of seeing him like that, now can you?" she continued swiftly, coming to her side and taking a hold of her arm. Ryou looked up, the surprise overcoming her sombre thoughts. "Come on, we're going to make you look real nice! How would you like your hair? Have you already thought of the clothes you'll be wearing?"
"You, you don't have to help me, onee-chan," she protested meekly as Kyou dragged her towards her room. "I mean, I'll just be going out with Kappei-san, it's nothing special. Y-you don't have to waste your time on me." Her sister scoffed, silencing her.
"Nonsense! Of course I want to make my little sister look as beautiful as possible!" Kyou flashed a wide grin. "It's a date, after all!" The other twin blinked in surprise, the word echoing in her mind.
A date, huh?
Ryou arrived at the designated meeting place fifteen minutes earlier than she had promised. She was fairly certain, however, that Kappei would already be waiting: Normally, he arrived around twenty minutes in advance, and she had long since accommodated to that perk of his by trying to be fairly early as well. In fact, she could be considered being late this time; her sister had taken her sweet time doing her hair and working on her make-up, as well as offering her some advice on what kind of clothes to wear, all the time ignoring her protests of her meeting with Kappei being 'nothing special'. Ultimately, she had succumbed to Kyou's will, reasoning it wasn't much of a sacrifice to make her sister happy for that short amount of time - even if she had ended up being 'late' because of it.
To her surprise, however, the blonde wasn't where they had promised to meet, under the station clock. Ryou looked around her. Despite it being Sunday afternoon, there weren't many people around the station plaza, no doubt thanks to the cold, gusty wind and the ominous, dark clouds. As such, it was easy to see that the shade of blond she had become so familiar with was nowhere in the vicinity.
There's still time, she reminded herself, shrugging mentally. Even if something's holding him up, he should still manage to arrive in time.
A small shiver ran down her spine thanks to the cold weather, and she tightened the scarf around her neck in response. Had it been up to herself only, she would've chosen a set of heavier clothing, but her sister had insisted on wearing something lighter. Even though she shared enough of Kyou's taste to admit that yes, the clothing was fairly pretty, she knew it was hardly a match for this weather. Uninvited, her sister's words sprung up in her mind.
"It's a date, after all."
"A date, huh…?" she murmured softly, breathing out a small cloud. Truth to be told, she had never considered her meetings with Kappei as 'dating'. All the occasions when they had met, walked through the town, ate outside, and chatted had all happened in warm, friendly fashion without any particular romantic feelings - just like how it was supposed to be between friends. After all, hadn't they both been in agreement of the nature of their relationship right from the start? They were friends who pursued the same goal. They both wanted Nagisa to get better. That was the reason why they were such close friends.
At least, that's how it had been in the beginning, back when everything had been so simple. Now, with the care-free afternoons in a local café, jovial musings over mundane topics, and the late-night snacks outside far in the past, she had long since lost the accurate definition of their friendship. The more she had whipped herself into her research, the more all-compassing Kappei's support had become, until at some point she had noticed she could no longer tell what their relationship counted as.
As if to prove her point, a memory of a few nights back flashed before her eyes: She was crying against his shoulder again, her fingers clutching his shirt, desperately seeking support even though he had his arms tightly wrapped around her. Closing her eyes, the memory of his scent came back to her; faint disinfectants, deodorant, that mild aftershave he always applied, and almost always some sort of sweet he had eaten with tea that night. She could vividly remember how his hair felt like on her face, how his voice vibrated through her body as she pressed herself against his chest and neck, clutching for support.
Just what is our relationship? she questioned quietly, gazing up at the sky as she wrapped her arms around herself. The grey clouds looked like they would start shedding snowflakes any minute now, but she knew better. The first wasn't to come before post-Christmas this year. Is it that of friends, or that of lovers? She could find no clear answer to that question, and her words seemed to vanish into the silence of her mind.
No, she thought eventually. It doesn't matter. As long as Kappei-san supports me, as long as we're moving towards the goal, it doesn't matter what our relationship is. I shouldn't be thinking of these kinds of things. She shook her head softly, trying to shake the questions off her mind, but they stubbornly ignored her efforts. It doesn't matter what our relationship is, she repeated, over and over again. It doesn't matter what we feel towards each other. The harder she tried, however, the harder the questions stuck to her mind, and the greater her uncertainty grew.
What is our relationship? How do we feel about each other?
… How do I… Feel about him?
"Aaah, I'm late!" Ryou's teal eyes shot open. Looking up, she saw the familiar blonde walking hurriedly towards her. Almost instantly, a smile formed on her face, and all of her uncertain questions vanished without a trace.
"Hello, Kappei-san," she greeted him, checking her watch. She smirked. As she had thought, he had arrived a minute before the designated time. Of course, to him that was as bad being an hour late.
"I'm so sorry, Ryou-san!" Hiiragi Kappei said, leaning against his knees as he stopped next to her gasped for air. "I didn't mean to leave it this late, but it took me longer than I thought to get here. Please forgive me!" The blonde bowed down far more deep than the situation required, and she gestured dismissively with a slightly abashed expression.
"No, no, you're not late at all, you're just in time. I just got here early, that's all."
"I'm… Sorry," he repeated between his gasps, head still down. She blinked. Had he ran all the way here? Just when she was about to ask if he was okay, he raised his head again. However, this did little to ease her worry. Even though the jog had brought a healthy red on his cheeks, the rest of his face was abnormally pale. Likewise, even though some of the sweat on his face was no doubt caused by the exertion, he seemed to be sweating a little too profusely.
"Kappei-san, are you alright?" she asked, stepping closer and pressing a hand on his forehead. "Are you feeling sick?" With the cold wind and the sweat running down his forehead, it was difficult to ascertain if he had a temperature, but Ryou thought she could detect some warmth. However, Kappei pulled away too quickly for her to ascertain it.
"Ah, it's nothing serious," he explained with a small laugh, scratching the back of his neck. "I think I might have a cold coming. It's no big deal."
"Kappei-san," she scolded. "You really shouldn't underestimate this. Colds can be rather unpleasant and long at this time of year." Rummaging through her handbag, she pulled a small handkerchief out. "Here, dry your face with this. Do you want to call this day off? We could buy something from the convenience store and head at your apartment instead, if you like." The blonde shook his head viciously.
"No, no!" he denied. "I'm feeling fine, I promise!" She gave him a little glare, trying to put emphasis on her previous words. 'If you're not completely honest, we're not going,' her eyes seemed to say. However, he stared back at her with dead-serious eyes. "Really, I'm good," he repeated, handing the handkerchief back. "I just got a little off-balance from having to run so much, it's nothing more. Besides, I would really want to have fun with you today." There was an uncharacteristically stern tone in his voice. Ryou inspected him a little more with her eyes. Even though she was fairly certain that he was not at top notch condition, something in his voice assured her that it wouldn't be fair to turn him down.
"Alright," she eventually gave in, noticing how a smile formed on his face almost instantly. "But tell me right away if you start feeling sick, faint, or something like that. I wouldn't want you to get ill." He nodded enthusiastically a few times, the unveiled happiness radiating off his face. Seeing that, she knew she had made the right decision. After all, he had been very adamant about today, and she owed at least this much for all of the unconditional support he had given her lately.
As the two set off towards the city centre with delighted smiles on their faces, Ryou was completely unaware of how soon her unanswered questions would come back to haunt her.
"Kappei-san, it's getting rather late, don't you think?"
"Ah, you're right. I didn't realize how quickly time has passed by!"
"Should we start heading back? Both of us have to get up early, after all."
"There's one more place I'd like to take you to, Ryou-san. Can you please stay with me until we've gotten there?"
"Alright, sure. One more place, then."
Ryou's steps felt light as she walked through the dark streets besides Kappei. Despite the fact that she had agreed to hang out with him solemnly for his sake, she had actually enjoyed her time spent leisurely. Thanks to his presence, she had managed to completely forget about her worries, and every time her morbid thoughts had threatened to return, hearing the sound of his voice or catching a glimpse of his smile had repelled her anxiety. Although only briefly, today she had managed to return back to those care-free days a few months ago.
I wish days like this could have continued for a bit longer, she mused with a small smile, listening to Kappei's delighted monologue next to her. I really do. But, I have to do what I have to do.
"Ah, we're here!" he called out abruptly, stopping dead in his tracks. As soon as she realized where they had ended up, she raised her eyebrows in surprise. No matter what she had expected, it certainly hadn't been this. "Yeah, this isn't really a place where a gentleman would take a woman to," the blonde explained in an apologetic manner, scratching his neck. "But there's this one machine I really wanted to try with you, Ryou-san!" She turned her eyes at her, and for some weird reason, he avoided looking into them, choosing to turn his gaze to the side instead. His cheeks, which were still slightly pale, had now been lit up by a slight blush. His voice was hesitant. "Would you… Please try it with me?" For a while, she didn't know how to respond to this sudden change of mood, but eventually:
"Sure, Kappei-san," she agreed, smiling. "If you really want to, of course I'll try it out." Some of the blush died down, and a delighted smile took shape. With that, the two stepped inside the arcade.
She followed him through the gaming centre, navigating past the rows of blinking, beeping consoles and the horde of teens keenly staring into the monitors. Absently, she thought that it had been quite some time since she had last visited the arcade - she had never been one for video games, after all. The last time I was here was with onee-chan and Okazaki-kun, she thought to herself. It was in the first semester this year, when we dragged Okazaki-kun out of his room and went outside with him, and then we… Her train of thought came to a sudden halt at the same time with her steps. Deep in thought, she hadn't noticed that Kappei had brought her to a very familiar place in the arcade.
"Here we are." In front of them stood the fortune telling machine of the arcade, the very same she had used with Tomoya back then. Uncertain of what kind of a facial expression to make, she simply stared at the machine with widened eyes. "Um, if it's alright with you, can we go in?" he asked hesitantly, no doubt startled by her expression. She turned to look at him, unvoiced questions written all over her face. Why had he chosen this place? Did he know what kind of machine this was? Did he know what significance it held to her? His gaze gave her no clear answers; instead, the seriously pleading look only further fuelled her anxiety. For whatever reason, he really wanted to try this machine.
"I promised, didn't I?" she replied eventually with a small smile and saw how his expression turned into a deeply grateful one. "However," she continued a moment later. "Why did you take me here?" A blush rose on his cheeks again, and he visibly struggled to maintain the eye contact.
"Oh, I just found out about this thing when I was here one night," he explained. "And when I remembered that you had a knack for fortune telling, I immediately thought that you might like this thing. Besides, I've never been in a fortune telling machine before, and its description sounded pretty interesting…" His voice trailed off in the end, and his blush deepened a bit. Ryou blinked in surprise a few times, and then let out an amused giggle.
"I see, I see," she said with a genuine smile. The nostalgic machine had stirred up some distracting thoughts and memories, but his reply had eased her mind a bit. She shook her head slightly. I really shouldn't be over-thinking things. We're here to enjoy ourselves, aren't we?
"Wow, you can really feel the atmosphere in here!" Kappei said, gaping at the scene as he brushed past the small curtains covering the monitor, Ryou following him, soon sitting on the seat next to him. The space-like, mystic ambience was much like she remembered, and another wave of nostalgia washed over her as she set her eyes on the screen, where particles of purple, blue, and white swirled around the non-enigmatic 'insert coin' text. The blonde, too, peered at the screen for a short while before rummaging through his pocket, soon pushing a coin inside the machine. The screen went black for a short while, and then a circle of syllables appeared seemingly out of nowhere.
"So, how exactly does this work?" he asked, wonder and excitement lacing his voice as he poked the screen. "It says to choose a name, but I can't really get this to work."
"You're supposed to use the controller, this one," Ryou pointed out, gesturing towards the orb-like device embedded half-way into the machine before proceeding to wipe his fingerprints off the screen with a handkerchief. "This isn't one of those touch-screen devices," she said with a giggle.
"Ah, I see, I see," the blonde said with an embarrassed chuckle, putting his hand on the controller, guiding it towards the swarm of syllables. "So I'll just choose it like this, right? And then, my gender… There we go."
"… That's a symbol for a girl."
"Uh, yeah, yeah! I, uhm, I'll fix it right away… There we go! It's your turn now, Ryou-san." Giggling, she reached for the controller, but her smile died half-way through. Resting her hand on the smooth orb, she seemed to become fully aware of her situation.
What am I doing? Why am I here? I know full well what kind of a machine this is, don't I? She snuck a glance at the man next to her, who had his eyes nailed on the screen, waiting for her to insert her name. Does he really not know what's going to happen next? Just what did he read in the machine's description? Slowly, she began choosing the syllables for her name, her thoughts at disarray. No, he couldn't have known; there's no way he would've insisted me to come if he had known what's going to happen next. There's no way he could've wanted to be stuck in a situation like this! She selected the final syllables, and her full name lit up on the screen.
"I'm done," Fujibayashi Ryou said quietly, withdrawing her hand from the controller. As she had expected, her name vanished a few seconds later, and a different set of text appeared in its place. This is going to be nothing but a useless piece of torture.
"The couple's… Relationship?" Kappei read out loud, looking at the screen, and she nodded mutely in response. Below were three words, every one of them a different colour. The emerald 'Friends', the ruby 'Lovers', and the sapphire 'Married' shone on the screen. For a few seconds, neither said a word nor looked at each other, fixated on the screen instead. Eventually, he spoke up: "Are we supposed to make a choice?" His voice was quivering a little.
"Yes," she responded quietly, still not looking at him. "Based on the choice, it will tell us our future." She clenched her hands into fists, hoping that he wouldn't notice it in the dim light. What would he choose? Would he stick to her words from months ago, when she had told him that she could accept him as a friend only, and choose 'Friends', even though they had long since passed that level? Or did he see their relationship as something deeper; would he choose 'Lovers'? How did he define their relationship? How did he feel about her?
Did he still love her?
It doesn't matter, Ryou thought sternly, trying to repel the growing anxiety. He and I both know what I must do. No matter how he feels about me, he won't come between me and my goal. He'll continue to support me no matter what - I'm sure of that. She managed to reassure herself for a few seconds, but then a single thought formed in her mind, shattering her newly-built confidence and rousing her anxiety.
If it really didn't matter, didn't that mean she would have an option to choose? If so, what did she want him to feel? If she could choose between Kappei who viewed her as friend or between one who viewed her as a beloved, which would she choose?
Did she want him to love her?
... What did she really want?
It's not a matter of what I want! she exclaimed silently, desperately trying to force the questions out of her mind, afraid of what she might answer. I can't be thinking of myself, I can't consider my happiness! Didn't I come back to help Okazaki-kun? Didn't I come back to save Nagisa-chan? She bit the inside of her cheek furiously, feeling how the coppery taste of blood began spreading in her mouth. Didn't I give up on my happiness in order to save theirs? she thought, feeling how a wave of sorrowful determination washed over her. That's right, she wasn't entitled to happiness; even having Kappei as her friend was more than she deserved, more than she was supposed to have. She glanced at the man next to her with apology in her eyes.
I'm sorry, Kappei-san. I already know my future. I can't possibly accept what you're about to give me, no matter what it is.
"Well, then," he said with a cough, bringing her back on the ground. "I suppose a choice must be made, right?" He threw a hesitant smile at her, at which she dared to look back at him. The expression on his face was familiar. He had sported a similar expression all those months ago, back when he had confessed to her for the first time. Just by looking at that expression, she could tell what his choice was going to be. She couldn't help smiling. It seemed that his feelings hadn't faded one bit.
Ryou reached out for the controller, placing her hand upon his.
"It says on the instructions to put our hands on top of each other," she explained softly to the slightly startled blonde. "Go ahead," she urged him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. But... Even if I can't accept the future, I can't stop you from offering it to me. She turned her eyes back on the ground, a sad smile on her lips. I know this is going to be painful to the both of us, but I have to do what I have to do. Just like you are honest with your feelings, I will be honest with mine. I owe you nothing less. She could feel how he moved the controller to the right, towards the middle choice. The machine let out a small, bright tinkle as a choice was made. Slowly, Ryou raised her eyes, prepared to meet the glowing ruby 'Lovers' on the screen.
Right-most choice. Sapphire. 'Married'.
Her eyes widened. She couldn't have said anything even if she had wanted to - her tongue was paralyzed. Her body was struck by simultaneous waves of hot and cold, draining colour off her face in an instant and painting it rose-red the second. She wasn't able to form one single coherent thought, and the only function her brain had was to keep her gaze fixated on the glowing text on the screen.
Sapphire. 'Married'.
She blinked. Several times. Slowly, her lips began moving, trying to form words even though no sound came out. Her hand, which was still firmly on top of his, began trembling slightly, along with the rest of her body. With her free hand, she grasped the hem of her shirt, trying to hold herself steady.
'Married'.
She read the word over and over again, repeating it so many times in her mind that the word began to lose its meaning, eventually reducing it to nothing but a jumble of consonants and vowels. She couldn't comprehend it. She couldn't comprehend his choice no matter how much she tried. She couldn't comprehend her reaction over it. And most of all, she couldn't comprehend her jumbled feelings at all. With his choice, the blonde had destroyed all of her well-thought, determined reasoning, leaving behind nothing but confusion.
She didn't know how much time passed as they sat there, eyes glazed on the screen, their hands on top of each other. At some point, she absently registered the sound of a print-out coming from the machine, but neither reacted to it.
"Ka-Ka-Kappei-s-san…" she eventually broke the silence, daring to turn her head ever-so-slightly at his direction. He didn't meet her eyes. "W-wh-what…?"
"Ryou-san." His voice caused the little coherence she had gathered during the silence to vanish into thin air. It was there again, that deep undercurrent she had detected traces of every now and then, the under-tone that spoke of something heavy and dark he had hidden. Only this time, it wasn't just a faint feeling, a ghost of a presence: It over-lapped everything else, suffocating the faint traces of his usual cheerful voice until nothing but that broken darkness remained. His eyes, unmoving from the glowing text, were just as sombre as his voice, the sorrow and distress in them so tangible that she could feel her throat tightening from simply looking into them.
"Ryou-san," he repeated, and some of the darkness in his voice seemed to dissipate. "I don't know how many opportunities like this I have left anymore. In fact, this might just be my last one." Slowly, he turned his eyes upon her and smiled, but it was only a spectre of his normal expression. "Anyway, with those opportunities, I have to do my best to display my true feelings. A man could do no less."
It's not a matter of what I want…
"Wh-, what do you…?" she tried, but her words died halfway through as he reached out for her, pressing his hand on her cheek. His slim fingers were awfully cold, but they still left a burning sensation on her skin.
"Ryou-san," he said again, and more warmth leaked into his voice, into his eyes. "Do you remember what I said when I confessed to you all those months ago? I said that I want to get to know you, to become close and precious to you, to end my travels here and live so that I can see you every day." Smiling, he closed his eyes and leaned a little closer. When he opened his eyes again, his yellow orbs glistened with tears he didn't even bother holding back. "And, you know, that's exactly what I've gotten!" His laughter that rang like a silver bell seemed to repel the rest of the sorrow lurking in his voice. "Ever since that day, I've gotten to know what you are like, become closer to you, been able to support you with all my might. Everyday I've spent with you has been more meaningful, more special than my entire life so far." Tears were running down his cheeks, dripping on both of their shirts.
She could feel his breathing on her lips. "And, during those days, I've come to realize something."
A matter of what I want…
"What is it?" Her voice was but a whisper. There was nothing but his words going through her mind. Absently, she realized that tears were starting to fall from her own eyes, too. Kappei leaned even closer, so close that their noses brushed against each other. A shiver ran down her spine, and she could feel how the hair on the back of her neck stood up.
"I've realized that I don't want those days to stop - ever," he breathed. "I want to always stay close to you."
"I love you so much, Ryou-san."
He was trembling as he pressed his lips upon hers. So was she. The contact was faint at first, so faint one might've thought it had happened completely on an accident and that both of them would draw back almost instantly, abashed and embarrassed. However, as both of them continued to sat still, their trembling lips merely brushing against each other, he softly pressed himself closer to her, covering her mouth completely with his. His lips were abnormally cold, but soft beyond anything she could've imagined. His tears melded with hers, and some of them leaked in between their lips, bringing a taste of salt to her mouth, merging with her saliva. His fingers quivered against her cheek, caressing her skin in small, tender motions, and she could feel how strands of his hair stuck to the wet trails on her cheeks and chin. His scent overwhelmed her nose, the sight of his face was burned against her closed eyelids, she heard nothing but his breathing, which came out in short breaths through his nose. He occupied all of her five senses completely.
What I want…
Ryou didn't know how much time passed like that, but when he finally pulled away, she had stopped crying. Slowly, she opened her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Ryou-san," he whispered, withdrawing a little more from her, a sad smile on his lips. "I'm sorry for being so selfish. I, I know that you have your goal, and that you can't afford to be strayed away from it." Kappei squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing. "Even still, I can't help loving you. I can't just keep my feelings bottled up!" He said through clenched teeth, the tears falling down from his eyes again. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for-"
What I want is…
This time, she pressed her lips on his. There was no hesitation, no trembling in their contact anymore - she didn't even bother thinking of anything anymore. She took his face between her hands, noting with shock how cold he was. The warmth from her hands, from her lips, from her cheek radiated all over his face, and slowly she could feel how the cold began to leave his features. Gently, Kappei wrapped his arms around her small frame, pulling her body close to his. She didn't resist. Her hand began to gently caress his blonde locks, running strands of hair between her fingers, and she could feel how he did the same for her.
They broke apart, gasped for air, and then simultaneously pressed their lips together again - and then did it again. And again.
All this time, there was only one single thing running through her mind.
I promised you. I promised that I would be honest with my feelings.
"I love you too, Kappei-san."
… This.
The following day, when she arrived at his house after school, she found him collapsed on the floor of his apartment, feverish and drenched in sweat, clutching his left leg in agony.
Osteosarcoma, they identified it as. In other words, bone cancer.
And it had been diagnosed almost a year ago already.
Author's notes: I feel horrible. With one hand, I give Ryou some happiness - and I take it away with the other a hearbeat later. The future chapters are going to be such a pain to write...
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