Amanda struggles with her thoughts and feelings.
(05Dec07)

(Previous chapter: Burdens)

Chapter 10:
Connection

Amanda!

Amanda woke with a start. She sat up, fully clothed, and looked at her bedside clock: nine-thirty. Once her disorientation passed, she lay back down on her bed and stared at her luggage. She had tried to keep herself busy since her awkward conversation with Kyle that morning and his call to her in the afternoon. She had played the piano, finished packing, spent some time with her mom then retired to her room to listen to some music, because it always relaxed her. This time it must have really relaxed her, she mused, because she'd fallen asleep for over an hour and the CD had finished! It was strange, because she had thought she wouldn't be able to sleep. Butterflies danced in her tummy at the thought of leaving for New York. She had never been away from home for so long before, especially on her own. Moreover, the Conservatory had high expectations of her, which added to her anxiety. Excitement blended with terror.

Thoughts of Kyle persistently knocked against her mind and she tried desperately not to think about him. They hadn't really had a chance to discuss in detail her going away. She'd sprung it on him that morning, and both of them were upset. She had no idea how he really felt about it. Come to think of it, she didn't know how he really felt about anything; Kyle had been acting quite strangely lately, more strangely than was usual for him. There was an air of anxiety about him that she couldn't quite put her finger on. He seemed distracted and tense. She wondered if maybe he was having a delayed reaction to his parents' death, and felt uneasy (or a little guilty) about coming back to live with the Tragers. Nicole had once told her that grief always affected people differently, and Kyle's life situation had been far from ordinary.

Amanda had asked him if he was having doubts about their relationship, but he'd promised her it wasn't that. Amanda didn't push him to talk, because Kyle usually opened up eventually without prompting, but now she wished she had. She worried that he always put so much emphasis on everyone else's feelings that he often neglected his own. It was one of the things she loved about Kyle. He really managed to touch people with the almost ridiculous simplicity of his unique point of view. It was strange that he always seemed to get so worked up about things that everyone else took for granted, and yet he never seemed to express his feelings about the major events in his life. But Amanda had given up worrying about whether that was normal or not…it was normal for Kyle. And he was very precious to her.

So why had he been so wrapped up with Jessi lately? That thought came from left field so suddenly it almost made her physically jump. An uncomfortable feeling undulated through her intestines and she tried to push it back down by rolling onto her side. Jessi had been a big problem for Amanda. She still got a horrible taste in her mouth remembering Jessi with her hand on Kyle's bare stomach after the charity event. And she had never confessed to Kyle what Jessi had said to her when they were in the underground tunnels in the woods, because she hadn't wanted him to see how insecure she really was.

Amanda had made it very clear that she and Kyle were together. She tried not to think about it, but the memory pushed its way into her mind anyway, along with the terrible insecurity. Jessi's words dug into her gut painfully. It's not supposed to be that way. Once we get to know each other he'll understand…Kyle and I have a connection…I don't want Declan, I want Kyle. The menace in her voice, the darkness in her face. Amanda thought she had dealt with her feelings, and Kyle himself had said that the only reason he spent time with Jessi was because she was troubled and he wanted to help her. If he had been anyone other than Kyle, she wouldn't have believed them for a second; after Charlie's betrayal, Amanda was painfully aware that even people close to you might lie. But not Kyle. Surely not Kyle.

They had always been close and when she finally realized that his deep and prolonged commitment to her happiness was genuine, something inside her opened up for him like a flower. But Kyle always hovered a breath away, like a butterfly afraid to land and taste the nectar. He always gazed at her as though she were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, and yet he never ever made a move to touch her. She pictured that gaze, deep and dark, and frowned at the realization. Kyle had never initiated any kind of physical contact whatsoever; it had always been her. What did that mean? It seemed to Amanda that the more intimately involved the two of them became, the more she realized how little she really knew about Kyle. Therein lay the dichotomy: Kyle was honest to a fault, she knew that, but he was also keeping secrets from her. She knew that too. And one of those secrets was Jessi. Kyle and I have a connection. What had Jessi meant by that? To Amanda, knowing how emotionally unpredictable Jessi was, any kind of connection with Kyle was not a good thing.

Discomfort reared its ugly head and Amanda rose from the bed to search out the sheet music that Kyle had asked her to download earlier. What did that piece of music have to do with him and Jessi? At the time, he'd said he was with Jessi and that they were trying to figure something out, that the music possibly held the key. The key to what?

"She Could Be You," Amanda read the title out loud and scanned the music.

Confusion washed over her as the insecurity grew uncomfortably large inside her. Was Kyle somehow trying to tell her through music something that he couldn't say to her with words? Or was the message in the song for Jessi? Could it be that Jessi and Kyle had a special song? Was this song the 'connection' Jessi had mentioned before? A flood of irrational jealousy squeezed its way to her hands and she scrunched them into fists, screwing the paper she was holding into a crumpled mess. She flung it away from her and sat hard on the bed with an exasperated growl. Was she already that much of a sucker for Kyle that she wasn't seeing the wood for the trees? Isn't that how Charlie had managed to get away with things for so long? The little white angel that sat on her right shoulder jabbed at her conscience and told her to look in her heart; she should know that Kyle wouldn't lie about his feelings for her. She should trust him. And surely he wouldn't let her leave for New York without saying goodbye!

As she wrestled with the inner demons that all seemed to have Jessi's face, she stared longingly at her phone. She really, really needed to talk to Kyle, because something just did not feel right.

(Next chapter: Orders)