Disclaimer: I don't own Sonny With A Chance.
Warning: Bad language used in this chapter!
I apologize to anyone in advance who may take offence
I didn't want to use it but it seemed appropriate for the situation.
& as this chapter is based on a real life situation, this is actually what that person said..
Sonny's Point Of View
I lay here waiting, waiting for somebody to save me or for someone to realize that I don't belong here. I am waiting for someone to notice that I don't want to be here. I never wanted to be here, I tried my best to get over this, but it all got too hard, everyone just expects me to get better all of a sudden and I did try, I just wanted to make everyone proud of me. I don't care now though, nobody even comes to see me any more, nobody cares about me at all. It's just me and the voice inside of my head right now, the one who is doing the exact opposite of what the doctors want – she's getting stronger and stronger every single day. She is the only thing keeping me going right now, she is the only reason I have to live.
I have been refusing food since I got here, I stupidly believed they would send me home if I carried on. They would get fed up of me like everyone else has and send me away again, but no. I woke up this morning with a IV tube pumping food into my body. I felt like crying when I saw it, the sugary solution inside of it finding it's way to my rolls of fat and only trying to make me fatter.
I stared at the simple device, thinking about what would happen to me if I pulled it out. Nothing could happen, I didn't think it would any way. Just a little pull, it wouldn't hurt anyone would it?
Pull it out Sonny, just think of all those calories going into your body right now. They are breaking everything we have made for ourselves, they are going to shatter our world into tiny pieces. And then you will be obese again! Do you want that?! Do you?!
I shuddered, silently agreeing with that voice. I knew she was right, it was wrong to keep this thing inside of me for as long as it has been, I had to do something about it. I looked around, making sure that nobody was around before quickly yanking it out, I smiled to myself as I watched the blood drip down my arm as the needle fell to the floor. I had done something good and worthwhile for once, if only they could all see my strength, how much it had taken for me to make so little of myself. But no, all they could see was this fat girl who needed to be fatter, nobody wants me to be happy. They all wanted me to be 'normal' whatever the hell that was, I don't want to be fat any more. I just want to free, I just want to feel loved.
Slowly my world faded to black, I could hear voices around me and I smiled, maybe it was my time now. Maybe I could be free now, free to live the way I wanted instead of being stuck in some hospital who believed they could make everything better, they thought they could make everything go away. I laughed inwardly at this, they can never help me, I don't even need help. I just want too be alone, I just want everything to be okay again. I just want it to be a secret again.
When I woke up I noticed the IV tube again, I groaned loudly, after all my hard work to get that thing out then they ruin it?!
Pull it back out, they can't do anything about it. They will get fed up soon, they will give up on you like everyone else and let you go home.
I nodded, trying to lift my arms to pull it out once more, I stared at my arms in shock when they wouldn't move. I froze when I realized why. Stupid restraints, how dare they? I didn't even do anything wrong, I don't deserve this. I cried out for someone to get them off of me, I just wanted the horrible tube out, why won't anyone help me?
I gave up in the end, lifting up my head to bite it off, I had to stop it getting into me, I was only thinking about that. As long as I didn't have the solution being polluted into my blood then I wouldn't gain weight and I wouldn't get fat again. Simple.
"Don't." I heard someone speak up from the door, I looked up at the person standing there and shook my head, tears ran down my face as I pleaded with her to help me,
"Just leave it alone." Tawni whispered, walking into the room, I noticed she had been crying, I looked away quickly, not being able to look at anyone else after knowing the pain I was putting them through,
"Why should I?"
"Because we all love you and we don't want anything to happen to you."
"Nothings going to happen to me." I whispered,
"Just leave it alone." She repeated,
"It hurts too much, please get it out, please help me.." I noticed the look in her eyes, how dark they were and how much pain was evident in them. Was it all because of me?
"Please..." I whimpered, she shook her head and sighed,
"No Sonny, just don't pull it out." I lost it then,
"I can't fucking pull it out, can I?! I hate you! I hate all of you! Just get out of here, leave me the fuck alone! Just get this stupid thing out of me and let me go home. I don't want to be here. Just fuck off!!" I shouted as loud as I could, my throat felt dry and sore when I finally calmed myself down,
"You know what, we will leave you here all alone if that's what you want but you're not leaving here until you're better."
"I want to die.." I whispered,
"At the rate you're going Sonny, that will be pretty soon." I watched her run out of the room as tears ran down her face, I looked away from the door and refused to allow myself to cry. Good, I told myself, I want to die. It was the only way out of this thing I call a life. I just want to be alone, I was never alone. If it wasn't 'her' then it would be one of my friends, or family or Chad. I just want to be safe.
Half an hour after Tawni had run out a doctor came in, I took one look at him before turning away again. I didn't want to see anyone, and he was at the bottom of the list. He was one of those people, the ones who forced feed me with lies, the one who wanted to make me eat again just so I could fit into a society they had deemed as normal. I didn't care any more about anything or anyone.
"Sonny look at me please." I rolled my eyes, turning around to glare at him,
"You need to start eating, you don't want to die do you?" He asked me gently, I shrugged,
"May as well." He started to look at the tube of fat, yes, I had renamed it.
"You're putting too much pressure on your heart, the weaker your body gets then the weaker that vital muscle gets. And then one day it's just going to give in." I shook my head, not even caring,
"And? Your point being?" I replied, sarcastically. I tried to sit up, finding it too hard, so I finally gave up.
"You have lost more weight, you're lighter than when you came into our care, we don't know what to do any more."
"So I can go home?"
"No... if you carry on like this then you will be constantly sedated while we force feed you through an NG tube... do you want that Sonny?"
"What's that?"
"NG means NastroGastric. It's a tube that is inserted into your nose, giving you the essential nutrients you need to stay alive. That way, all the food goes straight to your something, helping you gain weight." I felt my heart beat faster, I was panicking, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want that, I just want to be alone.
"You have to try and eat." I shook my head,
"You don't understand, none of you do. I want to, really I do but I just can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know, I guess I don't want it enough..." He sighed, shaking his head,
"We want to help you, but you need to get this into your head, we are not the enemy." I felt hot tears fall down my face as I nodded, I didn't want to be force fed but I didn't want to die.
"Please help me..." I whispered,
"How can we do that?"
"Make her go away..."
"Who is 'her'?" He pressed me gently, never losing the patronising smile on his face,
"The voice in my head... she won't leave me alone. I just want her to go away. I just want to be happy again."
"We can help you with that, but you're going to have to help yourself as well. You need to start eating."
"But she won't let me. I am so scared." I sounded like a child, I sounded terrified and I knew for once he believed me.
"We will start with that then, okay? We will work on the thoughts first before even thinking about the eating side of things. Does that sound safe?" I nodded, trying to stop the tears from falling, then I felt it. I cried out in pain, grabbing my bed sheet that lay underneath my hands, I tried to think past the pain, a constant beeping in my ear making it hard.
Then I realized what it was.
My heart machine.
I could feel my world going black, then nothing. No voice, no little girl, nobody. I was finally at peace...
I was finally alone, just like I had always wanted...