Believe it or not I have a valid excuse for not posting. I haven't had internet since I last posted! A plus though is I got a head start on the next chapter. (It's pretty much finished)
And I know there isn't much arguing but it's building…
"Katniss are you limping?" Peeta asks sounding unnecessarily alarmed, looking down at my feet, which are shuffling along the blistering pavement at their own pace.
"No," I lie defiantly. "I'm just really hot and the boots were a dumb idea." I finish furiously, crossing my sweaty arms across my chest. I make a point to walk properly even though pain shoots up my leg with every step.
Gale's back quakes with silent snickers which no one else seems to notice but me. Or maybe I'm just imagining the entire thing. It seems doubtful but I want to kick him in the shin either way.
Just to confirm my suspicions I glance at Addalyn who's rummaging in her basket for something. Alexandreus is a kid so he wouldn't notice much unless it involved something exciting. And Peeta is still staring at me with unease.
Alexandreus who just seconds ago was content with bouncing alongside Peeta, much to Gale's distaste, has bounded forward and leapt onto his father's back. Clawing at Gale's backside to find a hold.
Gale swings Alexandreus up onto his shoulders and grabs his son's feet tightly. "Give a little notice next time. Your mom would kill me if you fell on your face."
Addalyn, who may be one the most prepared people I've ever had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting, tosses me a silver container of water from her wicker basket, hiding a small smile. She doesn't make a snide comment, to my relief, about my stupidity of the heat.
"Take off your shoes?" Peeta offers gently.
I nearly snap at him, unjustly it would be good to add, that if I were to take my shoes off and walk barefoot down the lane I'd burn the soles of my feet. "I don't much fancy searing the skin off my feet." I say as coolly as I can manage.
"Good point." Peeta says levelly, ignoring the edge, the temper, bubbling in my manner. "I could always carry you."
I chug back the water greedily, wiping my mouth with the cuff of my sleeve when I'm done. Leaning forward I ease the bottle into the dark folds of the basket. Hearing the dull thunk that confirms the bottle hit something, the leftover apples. "I think I'll live." I say aiming for tranquility and missing it by miles.
"Mommy?" Alexandreus says, charmingly. "Can you carry me? I'm tired." For good measure he yawns, rubs his eyes and looks at her pleadingly with his big blue eyes.
"Um…" Addalyn begins looking uncomfortable with saying no to her son. "I would…Aren't you comfortable enough where you are?"
Alexandreus shakes his head vigorously. "No."
"Here big guy," Gale bends down, allowing Alexandreus to scramble off him. Then he opens his arms in welcome.
It takes only a second for Alexandreus to debate. His young mind trying to shift through the options. Then he launches himself into Gale so hard that Gale rocks backward on his heels precariously.
Gale scoops him up effortlessly in his arms, glancing down to make sure his son is safe and secure. There's no need to worry, Alexandreus has his arms woven so firmly around Gale's neck an earthquake couldn't shake him off.
I wonder if Gales arms are like I remember them, warm, inviting and sheltering when they shouldn't have been because no one else's arms were like that when my world was crashing around me. Or are they cold and hard now from years of resentment? I almost hope they're like I remember them for Alexandreus's and Addalyn's sake, not mine. Never mine. That's forbidden of course.
Within seconds Alexandreus's eyes are clamped shut tight against the blazing, bleeding sun. Does he have nightmares? Are his nightmares terrifying the way mine are? I doubt they are too horrific, when in comparison to mine. His are probably like mine where when I was much, much younger. When I still had my father to comfort me after I returned to harsh reality, which at the time, was no better than my dreams. Just monsters under the beds. Nothing serious. Harmless, really when you see the gruesome world with older eyes.
Peeta pulls me in close and gives me a sweet, unexpected, kiss. Bewildered I hesitate before returning the gesture. I don't escape after leaning away despite the heat from the dying day the clings to the air. It promises for a hot night. He keeps me very close, my body melding into his.
Usually things like this are out of the question. Why the sudden affection? Peeta is always more willing to display affection so really it's not that surprising but we've barely touched since arriving here. Looking for an answer I search in his eyes. They look hazy, almost vacant but aware enough for a moment to explain what's happening. That right, now I'm a lifeline. The only thing tying him to the Earth and his sanity.
I squirm away, trying to break away to a safer distance. Being close to him with the possibility of an episode near is never safe. But he pulls me back with an iron grip, his fingers tight around my upper arm. His milky eyes pleading. "Please." He says looking at me desperately. "It'll pass in a moment."
Trying to calm my suddenly shattered nerves I breathe in deeply. "OK."
"Peeta trying to kill himself again?" Gale says insensitively over his shoulder. "Or Katniss?"
"Gale I swear I will…" Addalyn says in a cutting tone. "Don't upset a pregnant women." She finishes. "And you are this close." She holds up a fine strand of hair that glints and glitters in the dying day. "To crossing that very thin line."
It appears Gale's not the only one who enjoys making threats. Addalyn appears quite skillful in that department. You couldn't marry Gale without picking up a few things.
The only reply she gets is a murderous glare.
How can she stand to live with him? Put up with him all these years? I wonder how messed up she would have to be to even consider living with him. She must be as messed up as Gale is or more. The very idea makes me feel sick.
The grip on my wrist relaxes and I can feel the pent up blood racing to reach the numb fingers, surging under my skin. My fingers pulse painfully. Peeta has returned to our world, didn't hear the spiteful comment that spewed poisonously from Gale's mouth.
While, clammy and pale Peeta manages a wobbly smile and satisfaction clear in his voice says "I fought it off this time."
This is such a milestone for me, for us, that it deserves some kind of celebration or reward. Not here, not now but we'll save it for home. Where people will actually care.
I hold tight to his middle, grinning up at him like a little girl. I feel proud of him. Like an over nurturing mother. Right now I doubt he would care, it's not like his mother wanted him in the first place.
"Your family would be proud." I tell him quietly. "I think even your mother would be happy for you."
"That's saying something." He says shakily.
How I've changed in these past months is completely fascinating and baffling to me. No longer as afraid of love as I once was. I still am in a lot of aspects but I've let someone in and that's enough of a milestone for me. If that's all I achieve of this life that's enough. Only one person was able to gain any affection from me and that was Prim whom I've lost. We won, but lost her along the way. The entire reason I went through everything.
The sheer horrible irony hits me, full force. I went in the Games the first time to save Prim from certain death and in the end she died anyway. Much sooner than she should've. So in the end it was all for nothing. All I did was prolong her life for a couple years. And in the end what's a couple of years when you have another forty to look forward to? In the end it would've been almost easier on all of us if she had just died in the Games. No I don't believe that either.
Some people tell me it wasn't for nothing. I freed Panem from our oppressors and made sure 'our children' have a Hunger Game free life but it doesn't matter to me. I only did it all for Prim and she's not even here to celebrate it. I was the face of the Rebellion because when she was seven she told me she wanted a family one day but was terrified of what could happen to them. That stuck with me for a long time. She was the only reason I could think of to continue my fight when everything was hopeless.
In the end I was the reason she died. She wanted to help and there I was trying to keep her safe. Coin killed her and broke me. A broken Mockingjay without wings, which was her plan all along. When Peeta failed to kill me she did the next best thing.
"Home sweet home." Addalyn says loudly as she swings open the front door.
"Smells like vanilla." Gale comments dropping the wicker basket to the floor and kicking off his shoes. He helps Alexandreus wriggle out of his toes out of his boots and tosses them next to the pile of shoes by the front door.
"I was going to bake some cookies later." Addalyn says, easing out of her light sweater. "I took out the vanilla earlier."
"Like you don't make enough stupid cookies anyways." Gale mutters so that Addalyn can't possibly hear.
I wrestle my shoes off and toss them by the others. My ankle feels restored, finally being free from the tight confines of my boot. I cautiously look down and find it is too swelled up. Yet. Gale probably sprained it but I plan on doing nothing about it while I'm here. It'll heal on its own. Complaining about it and grabbing some ice would only give him satisfaction, knowing that he harmed me in some way.
"Put your shoes outside if they're muddy. I'll hose them off after." Gale eyes our shoes critically and finding them spotless, shrugs. He releases Alexandreus who goes nuts and runs around in hyper circles while Gale picks up the shoes he just dropped and sets them outside. He catches me looking cautiously at my ankle and his face twists into something of a cross between regret and delight.
"Dinner will be a while, sorry you guys. I can set out a snack if you want?" Addalyn calls, through the ruckus of clanging pots and slamming cupboard doors, from the kitchen as we congregate in the living room.
Tucking my feet beside me I lean into Peeta. My ankle is sore but I mask the pain. I don't want the questions from Peeta. He'll insist on seeing a doctor and that I lay low for a couple of days. I despise doing nothing all day. I like feeling productive.
The silence is awkward, none of us saying anything. The TV sits silently in the corner, untouched. Alexandreus plays silently behind me in the corner next to the kitchen. They've set up a little space just for him, filled with books and other toys. I honestly can't even guess what his age is.
"So Gale how is work?" Peeta asks boldly. It's clear he thinks this is all foolish and ridiculous. He'll make conversation whether we want to or not. He doesn't understand why neither of us is making an effort so he's making one for us.
Gale turns his head looking completely bewildered. Caught off guard for once he says. "Good, I guess. I'm off for a couple weeks. Because of Addalyn." It's the most I've ever heard him say directed towards us that isn't snide or rude. "Are you two working?"
"I am but Katniss isn't. Other than some sporadic part time work at the bakery." Peeta says looking almost as surprised as Gale did at how receptive he's acting. It won't last long though. The surprise will wear off and Gale will go back to how he was before.
I can see it set in now. Gale's face closes off, becoming reserved. But not before I catch the look of resentment as it flashes across his face as he realizes he's contributed to a conversation he doesn't support.
"Oh. How nice." Gale says, the surprise from the attack wearing off. He can't ignore a direct question but he can get away with clipped answers.
With a loud clanging from the kitchen Addalyn sweeps into the living room, looking over her shoulder, "That would be the rice." She says almost tripping over a stray toy. The platter she's holding jerks upward but she catches herself and the tray just in time.
"Alex you'll have to pick that up." She says in a calm tone, never once betraying a hint of a scolding.
Alexandreus looks up in alarm and scrambles forward to retrieve the children book left lying carelessly on the floor.
"Sorry mommy." He says in that annoyingly adorable voice. "Daddy was reading to me last night and we left it there."
"I wasn't sure what to give you guys but I thought this would do the trick. A little bit of everything." Addalyn says giving no notice that Alexandreus spoke other than to give him a reassuring smile. She places the large silver tray on the low table in front of us, displaying the fruit, vegetables, cookies and crackers, now set out haphazardly from the stumble. She grabs a slice of orange and sticks a spoon in a strange bowl of red seeds I've never seen before.
The seeds are the colour of blood but look oddly translucent. They smell almost citrusy.
"How long for dinner?" Gale asks biting into a cracker and looking up expectantly.
"I don't know." Addalyn runs her fingers through her blonde hair, mussing it up.
"I'll help." He says forcefully in a tone that begs her not to say no.
"No." She says firmly. "Stay with the guests."
"Well then I'll cook. You need to rest." I doubt that's his actual motivation. It's a good excuse but that's all it is; an excuse to avoid conversation.
Addayln smirks. "I don't like the idea of you burning our food. We have guests. Entertain them!"
"That was one time." He snarls.
"Mommy I moved the book." Alexandreus informs Addalyn again, evidently not satisfied with the gratitude he received before.
"Well now I'm hurt." I say feigning a casual tone, my words tumbling over Alexandreus's, drowning him out. "What you don't want to talk to us? We came all the way out here to talk to you." I'm torturing him and I love it. I finally have his hands bound tight.
"Mommy! I did what you asked me to!" Alexandreus says being to grow impatient from lack of attention. Why do kids need so much attention?
"Exactly Gale." Addalyn smirks. Finally becoming aware of her sons growing irritation she smiles and pats Alexandreus's head like he's an oversized pet. "Thanks honey."
Alexandreus stares after her, beaming from ear to ear, finally pleased with the results of his effort.
"That is a new all time low." Gale hisses as soon as Addalyn has disappeared into the kitchen.
"What?" I say feigning shock.
"The fact that you have to make underhanded remarks in front of my wife because you know I can't do anything."
"Well it's the truth. We came all this way to see you." Peeta says in a measured voice, taking in the conversation, the tension filling the room like a balloon.
It's quiet for a moment then finally Peeta once again breaks the silence. "What are the red seeds?"
"Pomegranate. We never got any in 12 before. Well if we did they were expensive. Although I'm sure some merchants' families got their hands on them." Gale's voice implies that he figures Peeta's just purposefully acting surprised. Peeta's family lived off stale bread their entire life which somehow feels even more depressing then what I used to live off.
"I don't think so. Even when I had the money I never found these fruits in the market." I counter.
I stay away from the pomegranate but help myself to the fruit slices laid out in a riot of colours.
"So Gale. What do you do for work?" I ask.
"I sit in an office all day wearing a suit and talk about something I barely understand. Is that good enough for you?" Gale asks in a clipped voice, implying that I've been hammering at him for hours. He sure exceeds in making people feel unwelcome.
Who would even think about hiring him to work on television? I can't see him having the personality to pull it off. Despite his 'camera ready face.' I suppose he can be charming when he needs to be.
I take a sip of my water, peering at Gale over the rim of my glass, trying to dissect the reason why he would be on TV, as if just looking at him will reveal the answer. I'm not sure what to say to his clipped response. Great? Interesting? A 'Good for you'? That would be pointless, we both know it would be a lie.
It's a very one-sided conversation. We're the ones asking the questions and forcing the conversation and he does nothing but answer. I didn't expect much from Gale in the beginning but even this seems to be a new low for him. And apparently I've hit a new all-time low too.
Eventually I give up, realizing that it's a vain, fruitless effort, and drop out of the conversation. Peeta however continues attempting at making small talk. Forcing, bit by bit, to pry civility out of Gale. In the end he's really just talking to himself.
"Have you been near the new school?"
No reply from Gale, but it doesn't faze Peeta in the slightest.
"It's actually pretty nice. They added a courtyard with lots of flowers and some tables for the kids when the weather is nice." Peeta says, stubborn as ever. Unable to understand why Gale insists on being disrespectful towards his guests. I can accept it better, maybe because I would do the same to some degree.
"How would you know?" Gale demands suddenly as Peeta begins his new attempt at conversation. "Do you have kids?" He looks at my abdomen intensely, as if trying to decide that I've had kids or I've just put on weight.
Looking taken aback Peeta begins in an almost wistful voice, "We've only been married a few months and Katniss is still opposed to the idea. No sometimes I deliver fresh bread to the school." The last part is a lie and I can see Gale raise his eyebrow slightly. We've walked Hazelle's kids to the school a handful of times when she's been busy.
I silently rise from the couch, slamming my water down onto the table so hard it sloshes over the wood. I don't apologize; barely even acknowledge it other than to meet Gale's eyes pointedly with a light sneer. "I'll be in the kitchen." I say brusquely walking onto the linoleum. The cold floors leaching the warmth from my socked feet in seconds. I make sure I put all my weight on my sprained ankle, though it protests. I cannot limp. I can feel their eyes boring into my back as I walk away.
"Oh, hi." Addalyn flashes a smile through the cloud of steam as she dumps the water from the potatoes'. "Do you need anything?"
"A towel." Peeta says ambling in after me. "We spilt some water. It may have gotten onto the carpet. I hope that's okay." Leave it to Peeta to fret over something as trivial as spilling water on the carpet. He cleans the bakery and is the only reason our house looks the way it does. The only thing I clean is game after I've shot it.
"It's fine. I've lost count all the times Alex has spilt something onto the floor. Just grab the one from the stove." She jerks her head in the general direction of the stove and curses under her breath when a potato falls into the sink, still steaming.
Peeta swipes the towel from its place, sneaking in a sly kiss as he comes up.
It takes all my restraint not to push him away. Gale has put me in a sour mood and I know I shouldn't be taking it out on Peeta, of all people.
"Are you coming back out?" Peeta asks catching my mood.
"No I'm going to lend Addalyn a hand."
Peeta chuckles. "That's a first. You never do that at home."
"Hey I kill the food." I snap.
Peeta raises his eyebrow but leaves, giving me a worried look.
"You know, I don't really need help. Everything is done. All we're waiting for is the chicken." Addalyn says leaning against the countertops and peering at me curiously.
"I thought I'd help anyway." I say lamely.
She must see the real reason behind me suddenly coming to help. Maybe she realizes that this is all too much for me to handle. How badly it's stressing me out. How defiant Gale is being and how it's affecting me. I've given up.
She sighs, "You can take out the forks and knives and set the table. They're in the drawer right beside the fridge."
I hastily yank open the creamy yellow drawer and grab a fistful of forks and knives, setting them on the countertops untidily, causing them to scatter and clatter.
"And Alex needs a dull knife. Sorry I should've said that before." She corrects her voice muffled and tinny as she removes the chicken from the stove and places it on a mat.
Holding back an irritated sigh I swipe a knife off the counter, almost slicing off a finger in the process, and jam it back in its little basket. Replacing it with the small, kid size knife right next to the others.
"Oh and I hope you don't mind but you left your pill bottle out last night and Alex loves getting into things so I put it in the cupboard with the other pills. They're in the last cupboard on the left."
I nod in confirmation and absently examine the heavy silverware on the counter. I scoop them up in my arms and walk into the adjoining dining room, setting them on the bright place mats, neatly.
"Napkins?" I ask, casting a quick glance around the room, looking for any sign of hidden napkins.
"By the silverware. In the little basket."
Once I catch sight of the gleaming silver wire basket, I feel stupid for not noticing them earlier. How could I have missed it, when it was less than a foot away?
I place the napkins in the dining room then go to retrieve my pills from where Addalyn says she's put them.
"What one is it?" I sound mystified as I peer expectantly in to the cupboard, as if waiting for my bottle to jump and dance in front of me. You'd think after taking them for so long I'd recognize the little clear bottle but amongst the other little bottles it looks identical.
"Just look and see."
I grab the first bottle and stare at the tiny print for a few seconds, not taking anything in. Finally the words meanings settle in; Anti-depressants. I drop the bottle to the counter, relieved when the cap stays on.
"Something wrong?" Addalyn asks, head shooting to look at me.
"No." I say immediately, wondering whose pills they are. Addalyn or Gale? Addalyn evidently has issues but are they bad enough for something like Anti-Depressants?
With the excuse of grabbing a loaf of bread, that's been sitting on the counter, she reaches behind me and whispers. "Look I know he can be difficult but he just doesn't know how to handle this." She took my word for it when I said nothing, whereas I would've been suspicious.
"He hates me." I hiss under my breath, watching as she thinly slices the loaf and places the bread on a plate. After rifling through a couple more bottles for my pills. I look past the kid vitamens and finally my hand closes around the white cap.
I watch her keenly for her reaction to my words, waiting to see if her face gives away any sign of confirmation but she keeps her face a smooth, clean mask that betrays nothing.
"You're free to scream at him if you want." She says, avoiding "He rants about you all the time.I would do the same."
I snort privately to myself, as if I was waiting for her OK to start dishing out everything I hate him for. I could do it anytime I want but I don't think anyone would take it well if I did it publicly. I'll have to do it in private. Just him and me.
Then she puts on her cheerful face and in a voice that sounds eerily like Effie Trinket's she chimes, "Time for dinner!"
This was such a weird chapter to write. I had absolutely no idea (well I had a loose idea it just took a while to get there) where I was going with this and instead of rambling on for another nine pages like it would've ended up, I ended it here.