Chapter 10: On That Day…
Shepard sat quietly in the wheelchair as Kaidan pushed her through the hallways. He had said their destination was in the far building and it was simply too far for Shepard walk. She was irritated, but she also admitted he was probably right. She also didn't want to be exhausted before seeing whatever Kaidan had planned.
Kaidan talked lightly as they went and it seemed to Shepard like the more distance they put between them and the hospital wing the more relaxed she felt. She told herself she was being fanciful, but she still enjoyed the feeling. She also felt better since she was wearing actual clothes instead of the hospital pajamas. Chakwas had brought her a few different items to choose from and she was wearing dark brown pants and a wrap-around turquoise shirt. Soft suede slipper shoes completed the outfit.
They came out of an elevator into a hallway that was thickly carpeted. There were two guards stationed outside the elevator. They briefly tensed as the pair exited, but they quickly relaxed and saluted Kaidan with the greeting, "Major."
Kaidan returned their salutes. "This is Captain Nicole Alenko, gentlemen." The two guards quickly saluted Shepard which she returned and greeted them with a smile. "She should be released from the hospital soon and she has full access," Kaidan informed them. The guards acknowledged the order and wished Shepard a speedy recovery.
As they left the elevator alcove Shepard noticed a nice door on the right with numbers on the wall beside it. Kaidan turned left into a small alcove that had an identical door with the number 1412. He locked the wheels and handed Shepard her cane.
"I thought you might like to walk inside," he said with a grin.
Shepard got out of the chair and used the cane to limp the couple of steps up to the door. Kaidan nodded at her and she thumbed the control. The door opened to a small foyer that opened to a large living room. Across the room were several floor-to-ceiling windows looking out on a balcony and over the bay.
"Welcome home, love," Kaidan whispered in her ear before kissing her temple.
Shepard hovered in the doorway and took a deep breath to get a hold of the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. "This is ours?" she said quietly.
"Yeah," Kaidan said with pride. He took her elbow and led her into the apartment. "This is just loaner furniture from the Alliance. I thought we'd pick out furniture together."
Shepard slanted him a look over her shoulder and saw his brows furrow at the slight grin on her face. "You're assuming quite a lot, Major," she said teasingly.
"How's that?" Kaidan asked in confusion.
"I don't recall you asking me to marry you, nor do I remember giving you an answer. You told me to start considering marrying you on the day the war ended. That's not actually proposing." Shepard didn't have any doubt that he had asked her and she knew what her answer would be, but she enjoyed teasing him.
Kaidan blinked in surprise and Shepard had to work hard to keep from laughing at his expression. "You actually did say 'yes', Shepard," he said quietly.
It was Shepard's turn to be confused. "When?"
Kaidan seemed a little uncomfortable. "When you first woke up. You said 'yes'."
"Hmmm," Shepard considered this for a moment and then turned to him again. "I don't think that counts. Plus, you never actually proposed."
Kaidan stopped looking confused and gave her a cocky grin. "Let's go inside and maybe I'll rectify that later."
"Ohhh, I like the sound of that," Shepard said with a laugh and moved slowly into the apartment.
Once they were in the living room, which contained one couch and a coffee table, Shepard saw the dining area and kitchen to the right. Beyond the kitchen was a hallway with one door on the left and one door at the end.
Shepard looked around with a smile as Kaidan led her out to the balcony. The apartment had high ceilings and was bright and spacious. The balcony was beautiful and the late afternoon sun glinted on the water.
"Wow," Shepard whispered.
Kaidan gave her a quick kiss. "Dinner's ready. Are you hungry?"
Shepard smiled at him. "Starved," she purred and chuckled as he blushed.
She followed him inside to the small table in the dining area. Set out was steak, potatoes and corn. There were two candles on the table. "Kaidan," she breathed. "This is wonderful."
Kaidan helped her sit and they ate and talked about possible furniture for the apartment. Shepard felt like it was all a little surreal. She enjoyed the wonderful dinner and the thoughts about the apartment, but some piece inside her kept her from completely believing it would happen. She kept that niggle of fear buried deep and just enjoyed the moment.
Kaidan picked up their dishes and moved the candles to the living room. Shepard limped in with her cane and sat down on the couch. Kaidan looked at her for a moment with a grin pulling at his mouth. "Stay put, I'll be right back." Kaidan turned and headed for the hallway beyond the kitchen.
"What are you up to, Alenko?" Shepard called after him suspiciously.
"Be patient, Shepard, and you'll see," Kaidan called back to her without turning. He went into the door on the left, which Shepard assumed was the bedroom and emerged a minute later with one hand hidden behind his back.
Shepard craned her neck as he came and joined her on the couch, but he kept the item hidden. Kaidan sat there and looked at her with a grin, but he made no move to show the object.
"Well?" Shepard asked impatiently. "What's behind your back?"
"Guess," Kaidan said devilishly.
Shepard scowled at him. "A free pass for an ass kicking unless you show me now."
Kaidan laughed at her fierce expression. "You really need to learn to be patient, Shepard."
"Not tonight, Alenko," she responded quickly.
"Fine," Kaidan said without losing the smile. He brought his hand around and he was holding a small box wrapped in blue paper. "I know it's not actually until tomorrow…but, happy birthday, Emelia," he said brightly.
Shepard was frozen by surprise. She hadn't realized it was even close to her birthday and she never would have expected a present. Shepard was suddenly overcome with emotion, which was happening far too often lately for her comfort.
Kaidan sat holding the box out to her and his smile faltered when he saw her fighting back tears. "Em?" he said quietly. "Don't you want to open it?"
"I-" Shepard's voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "I didn't know it was my birthday and I – I wasn't expecting a present." She gave him a trembling smile, but didn't reach out for the box.
Kaidan looked down at the small box in confusion and then back at her. "It's not much really. Certainly not anything good enough to cause this reaction."
Shepard took a deep breath and reached out for the present. Kaidan placed it in her hands with a smile. Dr. Kallestri had told Shepard to be more open about her emotions and she didn't want Kaidan to misunderstand her reaction. She reverently turned the present over in her hands and spoke quietly. "I haven't received a present since…Mindoir," she finished lamely.
Kaidan leaned over and gave her a hug. "That changes starting now," he whispered in her ear. "Open it," he coaxed as he sat back and watched her with a little half smile.
Shepard ran her finger over the paper reverently for a moment before finally starting to remove the paper. She was very carefully peeling the tape off one end when an exasperated sigh from Kaidan made her look up.
"You know you can just rip the paper, right?" he said impatiently.
"You said I needed to learn patience," Shepard smirked at him.
"Now's not the time, Shepard," Kaidan said reproachfully. "Open the damn present…Ma'am."
Shepard laughed and quickly finished peeling off the tape and removed the paper in one piece. She waved it at him in triumph before setting it down on the coffee table. She looked at the small white box and carefully opened it. Inside was a pendant. Shepard made a sound of surprise as she took in the beautiful piece of art. It was made of Black Hills gold, which was very hard to find anymore and was very expensive. It was a tree where the roots tangled together to form knotwork that ran around the piece and went into the branches at the top. "Oh, Kaidan," Shepard breathed as she turned the pendant in her hand.
"It's called the 'Tree of Life'," Kaidan explained in a whisper. "Never ending. It made me think of you. Of how much I love you."
"It's gorgeous, Kaidan," Shepard whispered and blinked rapidly a few times. "I love it…and you." Shepard leaned over and kissed Kaidan reverently. Kaidan wrapped his arms around her and the kiss quickly escalated to passionate.
Kaidan ended the kiss and pulled back slightly. He looked at Shepard lovingly as he gently stroked the side of her face. "Will you marry me, Em?" he whispered.
Shepard felt a tingle of elation run through her, but it was accompanied by a feeling of dread. She had a feeling that if she answered him out loud it would all fall apart. Instead she carefully put the pendant back in the box and set the box on the table. Turning back to Kaidan she ran a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him back in for a deep, passionate kiss.
Kaidan eagerly returned the kiss and put a hand in her short hair. Shepard slid her hand down his chest and was thrilled when she felt him shudder with a silent groan of desire. Her hand moved to the waistband of his pants and began to undo the clasp.
Kaidan pulled back and his hand grabbed hers, stopping her. "Em," he groaned. "We can't…not yet. The doctors –"
Shepard squeezed his hand in desperation as she interrupted him. "are not here and I need this, Kaidan. I trust you. You won't hurt me." She sucked in a deep breath and sighed, looking at him earnestly. "I'm tired of feeling broken. I just want to feel…normal. Kaidan," she said sadly.
Kaidan looked at her longingly as he placed a hand on her cheek. Shepard nestled her head against his hand as she closed her eyes.
Kaidan leaned forward and gave her a lingering, gentle kiss. Shepard knew he was warring with his desire and his concern for her. Kaidan ended the kiss but kept his face close to hers as he stood. With swift grace he picked her up and held her close to him as he strode to the bedroom.
Shepard felt Kaidan get out of bed, but she was still wonderfully worn out from their lovemaking and didn't open her eyes. She was almost back asleep when she heard Kaidan speaking in the hallway.
"…everything's fine." There was a pause as the other person spoke, but Shepard couldn't make out what was said. "Karin, she needs this. We need this." Kaidan continued softly. "I'll have her back in the morning."
Kaidan returned to the bed and pulled Shepard to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly. Shepard sighed in contentment and started drifting off again as she felt Kaidan kiss the top of her head.
Shepard stood next to Kaidan, both in their Dress Blues. Their friends from the Normandy were gathered around and Admiral Hackett stood smiling next to Kaidan. Shepard felt the reassuring presence of Admiral Anderson next to her. She smiled at Kaidan and he beamed back at her, his brown eyes full of love.
The preacher began speaking and Shepard suddenly felt her legs tremble. She leaned heavily on the cane that suddenly was in her hand.
"You should have listened when you had the chance, Shepard," the preacher said and Shepard looked up to find the Illusive Man standing there. "Now you'll lose it all."
"No!" Shepard yelled, but it was a silent hiss of sound. She felt her feet start to leave the floor. In a panic she looked up and saw the emptiness of space above her. She turned terrified eyes to Kaidan only to see him looking at her in disdain.
She floated weightlessly up into the black of space as she reached for Kaidan. He stood unmoving and glared at her with the same contempt he'd shown on Horizon.
Shepard woke with alarm and it took a second for her to register Kaidan sleeping next to her. She was stiff with fear as the nightmare faded, but she made no noise or move for several long moments. Finally free of the effects of the nightmare she snuggled closer to Kaidan. The nightmare was gone, but the fear remained. She knew it was stupid and she tried to ignore it, but deep down the fear laughed at her and told her she would lose it all.
Kaidan turned and pulled her against him. "G'mornin'," he whispered sleepily.
"Mmmm," Shepard replied as she buried her face against his chest. Kaidan's hand ran up and down her back idly and she soaked in the feel and smell of him.
They lay like that for several long minutes before Kaidan finally kissed her head and pulled back. "Time for us to get moving," he said reluctantly. "I need to get you back and I've got work to do."
"No," Shepard mumbled and tried to pull him back to her.
Kaidan chuckled and lifted her chin so he could kiss her. "We both need a shower," he said as he kissed her nose.
"Mmm, shower…together," Shepard said seductively as she looked up at him. She batted her eyelashes and he laughed.
"Minx," he said as he got out of bed. He looked down at her as she stretched. "How you feeling?"
Shepard looked up at him and saw the concern in his eyes. "A little stiff," she said casually.
Kaidan's brows knitted as his concern deepened. Shepard sat up in the bed and stretched again. "It's not as bad as physical therapy, Kaidan. Don't be so worried. I'm fine," she gave him a big smile. "I'm feeling very, very good."
Kaidan grinned at her and pulled her up to stand next to him. "Yes, you are," he growled as he nuzzled her neck.
"Did you mention a shower?" she asked innocently and was rewarded with a chuckle.
They took their time and enjoyed each other again in the shower. When they finally dried off Shepard started to pick up her clothes from the night before.
"Traynor gave me some clothes she picked up for you," Kaidan said and indicated the closet.
"Really?" Shepard asked in surprise as she went over to look at them. She chose a long burgundy skirt and loose linen shirt. After she was dressed and pulled on a pair of black boots she went out to the kitchen to find Kaidan setting out breakfast.
"You're going to spoil me," she said absently as she dug into the oatmeal.
"And I'm going to enjoy it," he responded as he ate his own bowl.
They finished eating and cleaned up. Shepard went to the living room and put the box with the pendant in her skirt pocket. She felt a tickle of fear as a hint of the nightmare came back to her. You will lose it all.
"So," Kaidan said from the kitchen as he finished up. "What kind of wedding do you want?"
The casual question caught Shepard off guard. She looked down at the cane gripped tightly in her hand as she tried to fight back the fear that welled up.
"Em?" Kaidan said in a tight voice.
Shepard looked up and saw him standing in the kitchen doorway watching her reaction. His face was set in concern. Shepard tried to give him a smile, but his brows just furrowed more.
"Let's wait and see what happens before we start making plans," she said in what she hoped was an easy tone.
"What?" Kaidan asked and moved into the living room.
"Kaidan," Shepard said in a placating tone.
"Em," Kaidan said in a low tone. "You never answered me last night. Will you marry me?" He stalked a couple steps further into the living room.
"I love you," Shepard forced a light tone to her voice. She really didn't want to have this conversation after such an exquisite night.
"I know that, but you didn't answer me," Kaidan said as he stared at her.
"You know the answer, Kaidan." Shepard tried to keep her voice even.
"I thought I did, but I want to hear you say it."
Shepard tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She wanted to say 'yes', but couldn't bring herself to do it. "I think it's a little early to make plans."
"Early?" Kaidan said in surprise. "Just how much longer are we going to wait to get married?"
"We, uh, should wait and see what happens," her voice trailed off.
"What do you mean 'what happens'?" Kaidan said in a tight voice. "What the hell could 'happen' that would have any bearing on us getting married?"
Shepard felt like her stomach had dropped through the floor. "I don't know," she said defiantly. She was messing everything up, but couldn't seem to help it. The fear was starting to overwhelm her. "I don't know if I should stay in the military. I don't know if I'll ever get off this cane. The relays could be fixed," she said in a rush.
"And that matters how? How!" Kaidan yelled and moved to the other side of the couch.
Shepard couldn't stand the look of hurt and anger on his face and looked down at the floor.
"What the hell is going on with you, Em? Just tell me you'll marry me," Kaidan said angrily, but he managed not to yell.
"And is this how'll it be when we're married?" She hissed at him. She wondered where her sudden anger had come from. Just an hour ago they were making love in the shower and now they were yelling at each other.
"Is what how'll it be?" Kaidan asked mirroring her tone of scorn. "I thought we were doing pretty damn good."
"I can't even stand without this damn stick holding me up! I used to run a mile in 4:45 and now I can't walk a hundred yards without sitting down!" She stared defiantly at him.
"You have a small fist worth of muscle missing from your left thigh, Em! The doctors didn't think you'd ever walk again. You've achieved the impossible. Again. Isn't that good enough?"
"And you're okay with this?" she spat as she indicated the cane. "With following me around treating me like a china doll that'll break at any moment? Cause I'm damn tired of it!"
"I'm trying to protect you from yourself! Give up trying to be Commander FUCKING Shepard and realize you have limitations! Ask for help when you goddamn need it!"
They stood there for a long moment staring at each other with blazing eyes. Kaidan turned toward the door. "Fine. I have to get to work. I know you can get back to the hospital wing," he flung at her and left without waiting for her reply.
Shepard stood there for a moment more her breath coming in little gasps from the emotion. She realized her thigh was killing her and plopped morosely on the couch. She looked around the apartment and felt a longing come over her. She wanted to pick out furniture with Kaidan. She wanted to live here. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked herself scornfully.
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch. She wanted to be with Kaidan, but when she imagined it she was whole and healthy. She didn't feel like herself in her current state. Her body was a stranger and she didn't know how to deal with it. She didn't want to be saddled with these new limitations, so how could she expect Kaidan to do it. She didn't want to lose him.
With a heavy sigh Shepard realized that Kaidan wasn't going to return and she would need to get herself back to her hospital room. "I'll show him that I CAN do it," she muttered defiantly to the room and heaved herself to her feet.
Outside the apartment Shepard looked at the wheelchair and wondered briefly if she should try to wheel herself back. With a parting look of distain at the wheelchair she walked toward the elevators.
"Good morning, Ma'am," one of the guards greeted her and they both saluted.
Shepard had to switch the cane to her left hand, but returned their salute with a quiet greeting.
"Do you need any assistance, Ma'am?" the guard asked gently.
It made Shepard want to grind her teeth, but she managed to keep a pleasant expression on her face. "No thank you, Sergeant. I'll be fine." She noticed the look that passed between the guards as she entered the elevator and realized Kaidan must have asked them to help her.
"Bite me, Alenko," she whispered after the doors had closed. "I'll be the judge of when I need help, not you."
A/N: Sorry for the extra long delay in getting this published. I was having some difficulty with it and then had to go home for a funeral. It's taken me some time to get back in the groove.
Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed and added this story to their favorites and alerts. It really does help keep me motivated to know others are enjoying the story.
As always I appreciate your thoughts on what I've written and any corrections that might make it better.
P.S.: I'm hoping the Extended cut DLC will make the ending a little more palatable. I still hate the star-child, though, and don't know if I can stand him even long enough to get to the added content.