Authors Note: Well, remember the question from last chapter? The answer is in, with 4 votes for yes and 1 vote for maybe, you guys have said yes, Sasuke should show up and lose a few points on the pride meter. Sorry about the wait for this chapter, the internet in my area was messed up and we were without internet for a while. It was a bad time.
I still don't own Naruto or Naruto Shippuden.
-Midnathething
Watching the shadows dance on the walls, created by the candles that lit the secret base, Zetsu hummed thoughtfully. "It looks like the walls are designed like this to cause confusion and to make it difficult to navigate, interesting. You couldn't figure that out from all the circles we walked in, the pointless rooms, and the distortion seal back there?" The darker half of the plant man sounded incredulous. "Well, those were helpful hints..."
Zetsu's darker half shushed his paler half when the sound of a quiet voice drifted up the hallway to their ears. The plant man vanished into the wall, carefully masking his chakra. Eventually the person they'd heard speaking came into sight.
It was a boy (Teenager? He didn't look old enough to be an adult but he was certainly too old to be a boy.) of average height. He was pale, no doubt a result on living in the underground bases and traveling with Orochimaru, and had silver hair. The boy adjusted his glasses, shaking his head.
"... still don't understand why Sasuke-Kun thinks science is completely useless, some of the things that can be done with the proper chemical combinations or the right DNA mixes are just absolutely..." The boy walked out of earshot, still talking to himself, leaving Zetsu behind him, confused.
The plant man slid out of the wall. "Well, that was more confusing than the distortion seal. Itachi's brother is here. Great, just great. On the bright side, we know Orochimaru's here too? When has Orochimaru ever been a bright side?!" Zetsu's paler half hummed thoughtfully.
He continued up the hallway, casting his chakra out to look for either Orochimaru or an Uchiha. The plant man forgot one thing as he did this.
Orochimaru wasn't an S-Ranked missing ninja for no reason, he noticed Zetsu's chakra shortly after the plant man cast it out to look for him. The snake Sannin appeared behind him silently but Zetsu still noticed the man. "How nice of Akatsuki to sent me a visitor... And one with so much scientific potential too!" The Sannin laughed.
The paler half of Zetsu shuddered. "So much for the element of surprise. Why does he have to be so creepy?"
The snake Sannin sighed, he'd forgotten just how... Odd Zetsu was. He'd have just killed the plant man a while ago but the spy's DNA was sure to be fascinating and it was rare to see people who could merge into one body like the two halves of Zetsu did. Orochimaru had once had a pair of ninjas who could do something similar, but they'd died getting him his Uchiha.
That meant as, far as the Sannin knew, Zetsu was the only thing he had to use to research the effects of a shared body, and he technically didn't have the plant man yet. The Sannin sighed. It was a pain to capture a normal ninja, and though Zetsu was technically not a ninja, the plant man was hardly easy to capture. There was also the fact that capturing ninja alive was far more difficult than just killing them.
Still, not killing the plant man didn't mean Orochimaru couldn't hurt him quite a bit. The snake ninja pulled a sword from his mouth - Zetsu shuddered, making a face - and pointed it threateningly at the plant ninja. Zetsu simply pulled a storage scroll from one of his sleeves.
. . .
As Itachi waited for the snickering to die down he passed a fragment of the time by reading the next rule on the list. "#9: Itachi is a boy, do not imply otherwise." Itachi forced himself to not make a facial expression and hoped desperately that he wasn't blushing. He could remember the incident that had created the rule and it had been mortifying.
"I refuse to have anything to do with the explanation of the next rule" The Uchiha said, shoving the list into Kisame's hands before reclaiming his seat.
Kisame was confused for all of five seconds, the amount of time it had taken to uncrumple the list and look at what it said. After he'd read the list Kisame was amused. Sasori smirked. "Is that the rule I think it is?"
"Yes." Kisame said while Itachi hid his face in his hands.
Tobi was bouncing in his seat. "Kisame-San, what's the rule? Tobi wants to know, Tobi wants to know, Tobi wants to know!" The masked ninja actually began bouncing up and down as he said this.
Groaning, Deidara shoved Tobi back into his seat. "Calm down un, they'll tell the story behind the rule but they can't while you're bouncing like an academy student on an sugar rush!"
The masked ninja gasped as if Deidara had just told him some sort of huge secret. "Tobi will remember that Deidara-Senpai!" He shouted excitedly, hurting the ears of the various missing ninja in the room without thinking about it.
Multiple people shushed him while Hidan's hand twitched in the direction of his scythe.
Tobi 'eep'ed and sat back down quickly.
Sasori stretched and, with a chakra thread, swiped the list of rules from Kisame's hands. "I'll go over this rule, I actually quite like the story for this one." The puppet ninja said with a smirk.
From his hiding place behind his hands, Itachi groaned.
The red haired puppet ninja cleared his throat.
Rule number nine: Itachi is a boy, do not imply otherwise.
There was a good deal of snickering when the rule was read, but surprisingly, Deidara was not one of the people snickering. "The struggle is real un." Said the blond, patting the Uchiha's back comfortingly.
Itachi groaned again.
The Akatsuki had recently moved to a new base, the last base of the missing ninja group having been destroyed by one of Kakuzu's temper tantrums. The missing nin group had picked up a new partner for said missing ninja along the way to the group's new base. He was, while not the smartest, still smart enough to know better than even thinking about stealing the possessions of other missing ninja.
Unfortunately, he wasn't smart enough to be able to tell someone's gender by looking at them. This was discovered shortly before his death when he attempted to flirt with the wrong person.
Itachi was sitting in the kitchen sipping his tea silently, wondering how Kakuzu had broken a whole base by himself. He'd debated asking the former Taki ninja directly but had decided it would be rude to ask. As the Uchiha was silently coming up with increasingly strange and crazy ideas about what had happened to the base, Kakuzu's partner entered the room.
Sanchō (1), a missing ninja from Kumo, definitely hadn't been one of Kumo's brightest. The former Kumo ninja, who was humming a cheerful tune Itachi knew was actually to a song about killing people, failed to notice the Uchiha as he got himself a cup of coffee. When the ninja turned around and saw Itachi he swore, dropped his coffee cup, and jumped at the same time.
Itachi simply rose an eyebrow and sipped his tea. Sanchō stammered something and attempted to subtly fix his hair by running a hand through it nervously. Itachi blinked in silent confusion. Just what was the former Kumo ninja up to?
"E-excuse- I mean- Uh, Sorry about my language, it's just, um..." The Kumo ninja seemed to have become a stammering wreak, which Itachi found odd considering that the former Kumo ninja had been fine a few minutes ago.
The Uchiha brushed his hair out of his eyes and answered, "It's fine, I've heard worse when someone stubs their toe." He was quite confused, Sanchō was giving him a strange look.
Sanchō, who had turned an unflattering shade of pink, cleared his throat in an attempt to recompose himself. "So, do you come around here often?"
The Uchiha gave the former Kumo ninja the 'what-do-you-think?' look. "The kitchen? You could say I come here often considering that this is where the tea is kept and I have to come here to get some."
Sanchō turned and even darker shade of pink as he realized how stupid the question he'd asked sounded. "I mean, um, I'll just go." He said quickly as he fled the kitchen.
"What was that about?" Itachi muttered to himself as he finished his tea.
"I think you may be the most oblivious person ever un." Deidara told Itachi, looking quite amused.
"Shut up Deidara." The Uchiha muttered, turning a light shade of pink. How had he been supposed to be able to figure out Sanchō had liked him from just that conversation?
. . .
Absentmindedly nibbling on a stick of Pocky, Itachi turned the page of his book. He ignored Kakuzu and his Sanchō entering the room, signaling that they'd returned from their mission.
"You go run ahead and report to Leader, I just remembered there's something I have to do." The former Kumo ninja said to Kakuzu, glancing over at Itachi and blushing.
Kakuzu looked at the Uchiha, then at his partner, then at the Uchiha. "Right... Leader will still want you to give a report later."Kakuzu said, deciding not to tell his partner that Itachi was in fact male.
"Mmhm..." Hummed Sanchō, clearly having not heard whatever it was Kakuzu said.
The bounty hunter let his face fall into his palm before he left the room.
"So, Itachi-Chan, what are you reading?" Asked Sanchō as he sat on the arm of the chair Itachi was in, leaning into the Uchiha's personal space.
Itachi leaned away from Sanchō and rose an eyebrow. Itachi-Chan? He was fairly certain the Kumo missing ninja wasn't that much older than him, and the Uchiha knew for a fact he was male.
"The Traveling Swordsman, it's a play." He answered.
"So you like plays?" The former Kumo nin leaned closer. "Would you like to go to one some time then?"
Itachi felt his cheeks turning pink, "A play- Wha- But I'm- But- What?" He'd been caught off guard by the question and couldn't quite from a proper response, even though he had quite a few in his head.
"A play!" Sanchō said again, flashing what he hoped was an encouraging smile.
Slowly, Itachi closed his book, hoping to buy himself some time to gather his thoughts and find a polite way to turn down the former Kumo ninja. "A play... With you... That sounds..." Itachi desperately wanted to flat out turn down the missing ninja and tell him he was a boy, but the Uchiha was certain that Sanchō would take it poorly.
Suddenly, Itachi remembered the girl he'd been arranged to marry before he'd killed his family. She'd been awful, disliked Sasuke, and been extremely bratty but she could work as an excuse, even if she was dead. "I would love to go to a play with you but..." Itachi turned away dramatically, "There's someone else. I'm sorry." He put a hand over his chest as if he felt physical pain at being forced to turn down the Kumo missing nin.
Itachi had thought that would be the end of it, he really had. Itachi had been far too hopeful.
. . .
Sanchō felt like he'd been slapped. There was someone else? But who? Who would his Itachi-Chan have been spending enough time with for there to be a someone else? His Itachi-Chan had sounded genuinely apologetic, like she'd have gone with him if there hadn't been that someone else too. Whoever it was, did Itachi-Chan not really like them? But who would spend enough time with her to be in an almost relationship...?
Suddenly, the former Kumo ninja remembered Itachi-Chan's partner. Itachi-Chan traveled with Kisame, a large shark like man who'd come from Kiri. Could he be the one Itachi-Chan had meant?
He gently turned Itachi's head so they were looking each other in the eyes and cupped his hands around her face. "I will get that person to leave you alone then, Itachi-Chan, for us!"
Itachi's face was warm in his cold hands as her charcoal-black eyes stared into his dark brown eyes with what he thought was affection.
Itachi was in fact, embarrassed and disturbed. The Uchiha was fairly certain that if Sanchō tried kissing him there would be one less Kumo ninja in the Akatsuki.
Sanchō let go of Itachi's face and ran out of the room, calling something about how he'd show that Hoshigaki what happened to people who hurt his Itachi-Chan. Itachi was confused. Hoshigaki? What did Kisame have to do with anything? With a jolt of horror Itachi realized that Sanchō thought Kisame was the 'someone else' he'd mentioned.
The Uchiha jumped to his feet and ran after Sanchō, hoping to stop the former Kumo ninja before his pride was destroyed forever.
. . .
Humming cheerfully to himself, Kisame chopped fish into smaller pieces that would be bite sized and began wrapping them. He had decided to try a new sushi recipe he'd seen while he'd been in town and it was turning out fairly well. At least, it had been until Sanchō suddenly ran into the room screaming.
Kisame put down the knife and turned to face the former Kumo ninja with a slightly raised eyebrow. "Sanchō, are you feeling alright?"
Sanchō straightened his back and took a deep breath. "I have come to free Itachi-Chan from you see that we can be together! You have no right to her, and she shall be mine!"
"...What?"
"That's right, you heard me! Itachi-Chan shall be mine, so give her up peacefully or I'll be forced to take her from you with force." Sanchō shouted.
That was when Itachi got to the doorway of the kitchen. He looked horrified when he saw what was happening. "No, Sanchō stop!" Itachi yelled, surprising Kisame. It was rare for the Uchiha to raise his voice.
Completely unphased by this, Sanchō turned to Itachi. "Do not fear my Itachi-Chan, I will be fine, but I must defeat Kisame if we are to be able to be together."
The color drained from Itachi's face. Kisame, who was barely holding back laughter said, "You do know Itachi's a guy right?"
"Lies! You just wish to keep Itachi-Chan from me so you can have her for yourself!" Sanchō shouted.
Kisame, after seeing Itachi's horrified expression, finally let himself laugh. "You think that Itachi and I- You think he's- Sorry, but no."
Sanchō glared. "Are you saying I can't have my Itachi-Chan?" He drew a knife.
"But I'm-" Itachi began.
"Later my love, I must first free you from this fiend."Sanchō interrupted, smiling at Itachi.
Kisame shook his head. "He's serious isn't he?" When Itachi nodded in answer the shark man sighed. "So he's not going to let me say we're not in a relationship is he?" Itachi shook his head. "Why is Kakuzu always stuck with idiots...?"
Kisame reached for Samahada before remembering that he'd left her in the hallway because of Sir Leader's rules. Next Kisame reached for the sword that he always kept on hand in case something happened to Samahada. It was gone too, sitting in the hallway next to Samahada. "Oh come on." Kisame muttered, grabbing the sushi knife off of the cutting board behind him.
A few minutes, a lot of knife waving, and a few jutsu later, Kisame had killed Sanchō.
"I know you don't like people dying Itachi, but he just wouldn't stay down, and he started freaking me out when he started screaming about the Power of Love or something like." Kisame said as he left the kitchen, his sushi in hand.
That was when leader showed up. "My kitchen senses were tingling and... What have you people done this time?! And why is there a dead body in the kitchen? Again?"
"Itachi had a boyfriend who thought I was Itachi's boyfriend." Kisame said, leaving before Sir Leader could demand more explanation from him.
Sir Leader spun to face Itachi. "Explain, now."
"Well, Kakuzu's partner, Sanchō, apparently thought I was a girl and... I think he had a crush on me? He somehow reached the conclusion that Kisame was between him and myself and in order to be with me," Itachi shuddered here, "He'd have to beat Kisame in a fight."
"And so, the kitchen died. Again..." Sir Leader muttered. "Right, would you like me to make a rule to keep this from happening again?" He asked, looking almost concerned under all of his piercings.
Itachi sighed. "I suppose so."
And so, the next time someone looked at the list of rules, it read;
Rules:
#1: Samahada is not allowed in the kitchen.
#2: Snakes are not to be left around the base to see if ninja are paying attention.
#3: Poisoned traps are also not to be left around the base to see if people are paying attention.
#4: Swords aren't allowed in the kitchen.
#5: Zetsu must clean up after his meals. Snacks included.
#6: Sasori is not allowed to use poison to teach people. Exception: If the lesson is on how to use poisons it is acceptable.
#7: Everyone must wear clothing when not bathing.
#8: Do not steal Kakuzu's money… Why does this have to be a rule?
#9: Itachi is a boy, do not imply otherwise.
"I'm noticing a theme in all these stories." Hidan declared. "The kitchen dies a lot, being a kitchen for this group is shit."
Itachi, who was sulking, had to silently agree. They did break a lot of kitchens didn't they?
Deidara laughed. "It's not like anyone here can cook anyways, what's the point of a kitchen in the first place un?"
"Ramen nests in the kitchen." Nagato answered, giving Deidara The Look.
"Right..."
1: Sanchō means Mountaintop.