Chapter Ten
..
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
-Sylvia Plath, "Mad Girl's Love Song"
..
Jacob Black was too tired to be scared. His latest hideout was a small fishing shack in Costa Rica. He'd done everything right: used a fake passport, rented the place with cash, tried to make sure there was no way his name could be tied to anything. And Edward had still managed to find him. He honestly couldn't understand it. It was like the son of a bitch could smell him from two countries away. Every time Jacob had been sure that he left no clues, no electronic trail, nothing, Edward would show up and Jacob would have to take off again. He was pretty sure that Edward was just toying with him, allowing him to flee and feel safe for a couple of days before showing up and starting the cycle over again.
But this was it. End of the road. He was exhausted. He was broke. And everyone else was dead. It might have been funny: he was probably now the president of the Vampire Union, simply by process of elimination. Even the lower-level guys were dead. Anyone who had signed the Declaration: dead. President of nobody.
Christ, he'd never bought into Laurent's anti-monarchist crap. He'd just joined the rebellion to impress chicks. He'd believed he could become somebody important by getting in on the ground floor of this new government, and for a while there, it really seemed like the rebellion could win this thing, or at least establish themselves as a legitimate nation.
Until Edward Masen got involved. Edward, a one-man army hell-bent on destroying anyone who had been even loosely associated with the rebellion. Jacob was a dead man walking. It was only a matter of time before his number came up. He'd had a while to come to grips with that. Death had always seemed an abstract concept, something that might happen to other people, but never to him. Until he was staring it in the face. And then concepts like "inevitability" were suddenly, starkly palpable.
He had no friends left. No one would help him, no one would risk becoming an enemy of the man rumored to be the oldest vampire on the planet. Jacob felt like a rabbit in the middle of a football field with hawks circling overhead, exposed, too spent to run, no place to hide, simply waiting for death to swoop down upon him.
He didn't even flinch when Edward kicked in the door.
Edward stood there, his body still greyed with the ash of the vampires he'd slain, a bag slung over his shoulder, a sword held loosely in one hand.
Jacob stood. All he had left was to meet death calmly, with dignity.
"Hello, Jacob," Edward said.
Jacob said nothing. He tilted up his chin and waited.
"I made a promise to you last time we spoke. Do you remember it?"
Jacob blinked. "No, can't say that I do."
Edward set the bag on the table and his smile chilled Jacob to the bone. "I promised you that you would die screaming. And I'm here to keep that promise."
Alice flipped through her journal and tried to remember where she'd been for the past three days.
It was happening more and more now and Alice was scared. She was losing large chunks of time, hours, sometimes days. She had started this journal to try to keep track, but some of the entries she didn't remember making and they didn't sound like her, disjointed, filled with rage. It was like there was Another Alice who was slowly taking over her life and she had no idea who this woman was who wore her skin.
Dr. Carlisle had once told her that vampires didn't usually go insane. She was pretty sure he was wrong about that. Her hallucinations of Edward were frequent, but she was careful to tell no one about them, afraid they'd stop. She couldn't have the real Edward, but she could have this one, and she didn't have to worry about Fantasy Edward breaking her heart.
A few days after the fire, she'd felt him slip into bed with her, his cool, naked skin against hers. "Hey, Doc," he whispered. His mint green eyes seemed to glow in the dim light as he looked down at her, his hair tousled as usual. Alice put her arms around his neck and that's when Rose came into the room, stopping short when he saw Alice embracing air. Alice dropped her arms, but Rose had already seen and was giving her an odd look that Alice couldn't decipher.
"Alice, Victoria is here to see you." Rose spoke slowly.
"Okay. Give me ten minutes," Alice replied. Rose backed out and shut the door. Alice rolled over on her side and smiled at Fantasy Edward. "Time to get dressed," she said.
"Pity," he replied. He traced her lower lip with a fingertip and Alice shivered at the sensation. She reluctantly rose from the bed and pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a hoodie. She glanced in the mirror to make sure she was presentable and saw him standing beside her, lowering his head to kiss the side of her throat. Alice tilted her head back with a sigh, giving him better access. But he was gone. Alice blinked and looked around for him. Gone. Goddammit.
She left the bedroom and headed for the stairs. She didn't like this house. It was cramped and grim, the carpets worn flat in paths. It was temporary, the first furnished house they could get on such short notice. Rose was looking for a better place, but one they could afford, especially considering they had to replace all of their furniture. Alice's salary from the Queen was the only income they had.
Another benefit of the situation was that it forced Bella and Emmett to move into a place of their own. Bella would go bonkers living in a dingy place like this. Emmett had tried to get Alice and Rose to come live with them in the pretty little townhouse they had rented, but Alice refused. Living with a couple so obviously in love was painful. She secretly wished they'd go back to Italy and leave her alone, but Bella insisted she had to keep her promise to Edward to "take care" of Alice for him.
Victoria was in the living room, siting on the remarkably ugly couch, white with big chartreuse flowers. It sagged sadly, as if the weight of the memories of the people who had used it were too much to bear.
Alice shook her head. She had to be going nuts. Now she was anthropomorphizing the furniture. "Hi, Victoria," she said.
Victoria was wearing another of her dead mate's sweaters. (Alice wished she had something of Edward's to wear. It would be lovely to be enveloped in his scent.) She was far too pale, as though she hadn't fed recently and had dark smudges under her eyes.
"Hi, Alice," she said. She didn't ask how Alice was doing, probably because it was obvious from her own pallor and dark circles. "I have a job offer for you."
"What is it?"
"The Tower is back in our hands. Edward-"
"Stop," Alice snapped.
Victoria cringed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"I know," Alice said. "Just, please ... don't ..."
Victoria nodded. "I'm moving back into the Tower. You remember that the rebels burned the Council archives?"
Alice did. It had been a terrible loss. Thousands of years of vampire history, gone in one moment of thoughtless destruction. It reminded her that she'd lost her own library and all of her research. She'd had a back-up thumb drive that she stored the computer data on which she usually gave to a friend for safekeeping, but she'd had taken it home to update it and with everything that had happened, she'd forgotten it. Gone. And it was hard to bring herself to care.
"They put it all in a large pile to burn, but luckily, they were careless about it and just lit it and left it. There were some things on the bottom of the stack which survived. We've also found numerous scraps of text here and there."
"That's good," Alice said.
"I want you to come to Italy with me and work on piecing together what's left," Victoria told her.
Alice nodded. She had nothing to keep her here. "I'll do it."
To her surprise, Rose was strangely reluctant to leave London. She argued against it until Alice finally put her foot down and said she was going whether Rose came with her or not. Emmett and Bella, who still stayed with Alice, were delighted to go "home." They had a villa not too far from the Tower, and Bella felt she could fulfill her promise to Edward with frequent visits.
And so Alice found herself pending her nights in the basement archives room below the Tower, carefully piecing together bits of texts. It was tedious, exacting work, but it kept her mind occupied. She was given an assistant, Tyler, a polygot who had been changed for much the same reason Alice had: his brains. Since the majority of the texts weren't in English, it was necessary to have someone who could read the ancient Greek, Latin and Italian in which they were written to confirm that various pieces did, indeed, belong together.
Tyler was sweet and very kind to Alice. He'd been changed in his mid-twenties and had the kind of average looks and quiet demeanor which made him fade into the background. He was staying in the Tower, too, and slowly, Alice found herself spending more time with him, discussing the myriad of topics which interested them in front of the fire in the parlor, or even just reading in companionable silence.
It never dawned on Alice that he might have a crush on her until the night he suddenly leaned over and kissed her.
She gasped and recoiled. "Tyler! What on earth ...?"
"I really like you, Alice," he said.
"Tyler, listen, I don't think you understand. I ... I'm broken." I hallucinate every day that my ex-mate is with me and I think I may have a split personality.
"No, you're not," Tyler replied with a shake of his head. "You're hurting right now, but you can be happy again. I know it."
"You don't understand."
She thought of what Edward had told her when she'd first agreed to help him. "I know you can't understand if you've never felt it, but it feels like there's a massive, gaping hole in my chest. It never heals. And every day, something happens to tear at it a little more. On the street, I will see a woman who has her hair, or see chocolate in a confectionery's window and think of her eyes, or catch the scent of freesia as I pass a flower shop. I can't escape it and I can't live with it." Unless you'd actually experienced it, you couldn't understand. It was like an amputee trying to describe phantom pain to someone who had all of their limbs, or trying to explain colors to the blind.
She felt a surge of irritation. She didn't need to deal with his shit on top of everything else. "It's not going to happen, Tyler," she said.
"I'll wait," Tyler said.
"You'll wait forever," Alice said bluntly.
"Do you like me, Alice?"
She looked away. "It's not that-"
"Please answer me."
"Yes, I like you, Tyler. As a friend."
He smiled. "That's a start, then."
She tossed up her hands. "It's your heart. I tried to warn you."
The good thing about Tyler was that he didn't push. He made is feelings clear, but didn't expect or demand any reciprocation from her. What scared her, though, was that there was a small, evil part of her that wanted to break his heart the way her own had been broken, soothing her pain by causing it in others. What was wrong with her? Why was she changing this way?
Tyler entered the room. Alice put her journal down. He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist, pressing a kiss to the place where her neck joined with her shoulder. "Last night was wonderful," he said.
Holy fuck, she hadn't ...? Alice felt tears sting her eyes. She jerked away from his touch, fighting down a surge of fear and nausea.
"You were gone when I woke. I would have loved to wake up beside you."
Oh my God. She had. And she didn't remember any of it. he really had gone mad.
"If you're crazy, you'll see me more often," Fantasy Edward pointed out. He was lounging on the sofa, his feet propped up on the arm.
Alice pulled her eyes away from him and said to Tyler, "I shouldn't have- I'm sorry ... It was a mistake."
Tyler looked disappointed but determination shone in his eyes. "Last night proved that you can be happy again, Alice. We could be so good together."
Alice swallowed back a whimper. "Tyler, please, I'd ... I'd like to be alone right now."
He nodded. "All right, honey. Just know I'm here if you want to talk."
"Sure," she smiled at him, and it felt like a grimace.
Edward waited until he'd left. "It's no big deal that you fucked him, Doc. I don't care. I know you're mine."
Alice clutched two handfuls of her hair and pulled. Edward rose to his feet and came over to her, untangling her hands from her hair, gently but firmly. "Stop it, Doc."
"Edward, I'm scared. The hallucinations are one thing, but losing time like this? Where do I go when that happens?"
"You're in there," he said, brushing his lips over hers. "You're just ... asleep."
"Can anyone tell?"
He shrugged. "I can, because I know you so well. I don't think other people notice, though, except for Rose."
Rose always had been very observant. The silent ones usually are.
"You ought to get rid of her, Doc. Pretty soon, she's going to start insisting you go see Dr. Carlisle, and he'll try to make me go away."
Alice whimpered. She'd put up with being crazy and even losing herself for long periods of time, as long as she could still see Edward. This Edward was completely hers. This Edward would never leave her. This Edward would never break her heart or abandon her in her time of need. "What should I do?"
He shrugged. "I dunno. Pick a fight with her or something. Tell her you don't want her here. Tyler is your best ally in this. If she thinks you're happy with him, she might believe you're moving on."
"I don't want a relationship with him, even a fake one."
He shrugged again. "Your choice, Doc. But pretty soon, she's going to take that choice out of your hands."
Tyler was delighted when Alice moved into his rooms. Rose was not. As it turned out, Alice didn't need to pick a fight with Rose. One sprang up organically when Alice told Rose of her decision.
"You don't love him," Rose said.
"He says he loves me enough for the both of us," Alice replied, shoving books into a box.
"This is wrong," Rose snapped. "You're using him."
Well, she couldn't argue with that. "It's none of your business."
Shock and hurt pinched Rose's features. "Of course it is, Alice. I love you like my own daughter."
"Then back the fuck off," Alice retorted. "Your little girl is all grown up."
"If you were thinking like a grown up, you wouldn't be moving in with a man you don't love."
"Again, it's none of your goddamn business. Go back to London, Rose, and leave me alone."
"I'm not leaving," Rose said. "There's something wrong, Alice. This isn't you."
"Maybe I'm just sick of your shit," Alice spat.
Rose flinched, but set her jaw. "If you're going to act like a child, I'll treat you like a child."
Alice slammed the last book into the box. "I don't need this and I don't need you." Without looking back, she marched from her room, slamming the door behind her.
Tyler was at his desk when she entered his room, a pair of magnifying lenses perched on his nose. They had discovered that some of the burnt pages still had traces of ink, and if they encapsulated them and studied them with a magnifying glass, they could make out at least part of the text. "Hey, babe," he said. "You okay?"
"Yeah, fine," Alice said, slamming the box down so hard that the books inside jumped.
He rose from his seat and came over to put his arms around her. A surge of panic rose up in her, as it did every time he touched her. She heard that taunting voice "... Mary Aaaaaaalice ..." in the back of her mind. "Another Alice" didn't seem to have that problem and Alice was grateful, for once, when she felt herself slipping away.
The church Bella had chosen for her wedding was a Gothic gem with an ornately carved altar and beautiful stained glass window. Too bad none of the guests would ever see them in the day time when sunlight set their jewel tones on fire. Bella had set up powerful flood lights outside, trained on the windows, but it wasn't the same. But tonight, filled with candles, flowers and ribbons, the church was magical.
Alice came down the aisle, her dark blue bridesmaid gown making her pale skin glow in contrast, the light from the thousands of candles that filled the church lending her a warm, golden cast. Instead of a bouquet, she carried a white leather book, embossed with gold, trailing ribbons. Bella knew her well.
Rose followed as the organ music swelled, drawing a chorus of male sighs at the stunning beauty of her tall, statuesque form. She carried in her hands a single white rose. She and Alice stood side-by-side at the altar, opposite of the groom, but did not even glance at one another.
As the music swelled, Bella started down the aisle and the audience rose to its feet. Tonight, she was beautiful, the radiant joy of a bride elevating her somewhat ordinary looks into exquisite loveliness. Her embroidered silk dress fanned out behind her in a sweeping train. The bodice was deceptively plain, with a sweetheart neckline and smooth long sleeves. Her dark brown hair had regrown in the past few years, now reaching past her shoulders. She wore it loose, curled and covered with a fine net of pearls.
Emmett, standing at the altar, smiled so hugely that it looked like his face might crack. The spot beside him, usually filled by the best man, was vacant. The only person who might have filled that spot had not been invited and Emmett could not bear to occupy it with a less meaningful substitute. When Bella reached his side, Emmett could resist the temptation to lean in and kiss her smiling lips. The priest cleared his throat and said in a stage whisper, "Sir ... we haven't got to that part yet."
A ripple of chuckles rolled through the audience. Emmett clasped Bella's hand and they turned to the priest together.
From the back of the church, a pair of mint green eyes watched, focused not on the bride and groom, but on the tiny, dark-haired bridesmaid.
There was no reception afterward. Vampire weddings rarely had one since the traditions involved, a wedding cake no one would eat and champagne no one would drink, seemed pointless. The guests filed by the bride and groom, giving their congratulations as they exited the church. Rose was one of those who filed through the line and then left, after giving Alice a long, sad look. Alice turned away from her. When the line dwindled to nothing, Emmett and Bella prepared to leave, the guests outside waiting to pelt them with rice (Organic brown rice, of course. Even though she wasn't going to eat it, Bella always bought organics.)
Edward emerged from the shadows and Bella saw him first, her eyes widening. Emmett turned and froze as well when he saw what had stopped his bride in her tracks.
"Bella, you look lovely," Edward said, giving her a small smile. "May I speak to your husband for a moment?"
Bella nodded, releasing Emmett's hand. She went over to stand by the doors, taking Alice with her, Alice whose face was stormy anger and pain.
Emmett still wouldn't look at him, Edward noted.
"Emmett, I wronged you," Edward said softly. "I betrayed you, the man who had stood by me for centuries, my dearest friend. I know that you will probably never forgive me and I understand that. I won't forgive myself either. But I need you to know how deeply, deeply sorry I am for what I did to you." He took a deep breath. "I love you, Emmett. I never realized it until after I'd destroyed our friendship. I truly am happy for you and Bella and I wish you nothing but the best. Congratulations."
He turned to go.
"Wait," Emmett said. He strode to Edward and searched his eyes for a long moment. He must have found what he was searching for because he threw his arms around Edward and engulfed him in a hug. Edward closed his eyes and returned the embrace.
"I'm glad you were here," Emmett said. He paused. "It- it may take me some time."
"I understand," Edward replied gently. He patted Emmett's back as they released each other and then walked over to to Bella. She looked a bit nervous. "Be happy," he told her, and dropped a quick kiss on her upturned forehead before exiting the church.
The people outside pelted him with a few handfuls of rice before they realized their mistake. Edward chuckled and went to stand under a small tree by the church to watch Edward and Bella race for their car, their arms upheld to ward off the stinging rice. Bella stopped at the car door, her eyes searching the crowd, rice caught in her curls. She saw Edward and smiled at him. She turned and threw her bouquet straight at Alice who had to either catch it or be hit in the face. The crowd clapped and offered teasing congratulations which died away when Alice did not respond with laughter of her own. She waited until Bella had driven away, until she could no longer be seen, and then dropped the bouquet to the pavement. A woman who had eagerly reached for the bouquet when it was thrown snatched it up and clutched it to her chest, as if its next-to-be-married magic could transfer with possession.
The crowd dispersed. Alice slipped back inside the church. Edward found her wandering around the sanctuary, blowing out the candles one by one until the room was plunged into darkness. Edward waited until she had taken a seat in one of the pews. He slid into one behind her.
"What do you want?," she asked without turning to look at him. She had imagined this scene many times, running into Edward on the street, perhaps, or seeing him at one of the annual balls given by the Council and she had played out many scenarios in her head, from pretending not to recognize him, as if he had meant so little she couldn't recall his name, to plotting elaborate revenge scenarios. Mental rehearsal hadn't prepared her for the reality of seeing him in the flesh again. It hurt. It hurt so badly that she couldn't even breathe.
"I wanted to speak to you, but you wouldn't take my calls."
Jesus Christ. She rubbed her hands over her face.
"Alice, I had to do it. I knew if I told you I was leaving, you'd beg me to stay and I wouldn't be strong enough to refuse and do what had to be done."
She said nothing. She stood and walked back down the aisle toward the doors. Edward grabbed her arm to stop her and Alice swatted away his hand.
There was an edge of desperation in his voice. "I was the only one who could do it, Doc. Victoria, bless her sweet little liberal heart, wanted to treat it like a criminal matter and be all civilized with trials and whatnot. And she was losing."
"Edward fucking Masen, making the world safe for monarchy," Alice mocked.
"Doc, please, I'm sorry I hurt you," he said, his eyes searching her own. "I know you must be angry at me-"
She cut him off. "You don't have the first goddam clue how I feel." She closed her eyes, hoping that "Another Alice" would take over for her, rescue her from the agonizing pain of standing there before him, breathing in his scent (which her hallucinations never had). Where was she when Alice needed her? Bitch had gone on lunch break or something. It just proved that Alice couldn't count on anyone, even her own fucking split personality.
"I love you," he said and rage gave Alice's vision a sheen of red. She hit him so hard that he fell against the pews, splintering a couple of them like matchsticks. A broken shard of one of the arm rests pierced his back, sticking up through his chest. He gave achoked gasp of pain.
She smiled. "Now you know how I feel."
She left the church and walked through the gravel parking lot to where her rental car was parked. She had intended to drive back to Italy tonight but now she didn't have the energy. She'd get a hotel room in Cannes, she decided. It wasn't far. Maybe a walk on the moonlit beach with her Fantasy Edward ...
Edward caught up with her as she was inserting the key into the door. He pressed his hand against the door jamb so she couldn't open it. "Alice, please. You don't know how hard it was for me to leave you, but I had to. You'd never be safe as long as the rebellion was still ongoing. Two women I care about had been almost destroyed by those people. I had to do it because I was the only one who could. Don't you see?"
"Are you done?" Alice asked, her voice sharp and cold.
"Dammit, Doc-"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she screamed. The birds which had been sleeping in the nearby trees startled awake at the noise and took flight.
"Okay, okay, Alice," Edward said soothingly. "You may not want to hear it but I do love you. It took me time to realize it, but I-"
Alice cut him off. "It doesn't matter. I'm with someone else now."
He seemed shocked. "With whom?" he demanded.
"None of your fucking business," Alice said succinctly. She shoved his hand away and climbed into the car, slamming the door. She shoved the key into the ignition and barely gave the engine time to start before flooring the gas, spaying Edward's legs with gravel as he stood there, stock-still, his expression one of stunned pain.