Chapter Ten
In hindsight, maybe crying when he found out he was talking to a secretary wasn't the brightest move to have made, but he couldn't help it. He had no idea why he had been so highly emotional either, but it made him feel like an idiot.
The secretary made it worse by saying he had been on the line with other people crying before and that it was a part of his job. Was the lad supposed to say things like that? Was it supposed to make him feel better?
He wasn't really expecting it after the secretary, and it probably helped a bit to calm him down when the therapist himself was put on the line.
"Why are you crying?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.
"I d-don't know," he replied, because it was true. He had no idea why. One second he had been in a relatively good mood, the next he was a crying wreck. Usually he could feel his mood change slightly, but this he had no warning for at all. It had just happened.
"Take your time," the voice answered. It made him calm down even more to hear that it wasn't a stupid thing to do. He took a few deep breaths and coughed slightly in embarrassment. It was five minutes before he found his voice again.
"Sorry. I really didn't mean to do that. I don't know what happened," he apologised into the phone, rubbing at his eyes as he did so to try and clear them of the stickiness that he could feel from drying tears.
"You don't have to apologise for crying."
"No, but you could be with someone. I just...I suppose I didn't think of it."
There was a short silence form the other end. "Why did you call?"
The Doctor blinked. Why? Well, he knew that one at least. "Umm, trauma...I got myself into a bit of a situation and haven't been able to shake it off. I normally can, but this was...different somehow."
"Normally?"
He closed his eyes and sighed loudly. "Yeah, my...job for lack of a better word doesn't exactly mean much for settling down, and having a quiet life. Most of the time I might be bothered by the things that happen, but I learnt to adapt and deal with it a long time ago. This was...not something I can do that with. I don't really understand why. I've been in a lot of dangerous situations, but barely anything has caused a reaction like this in me."
Truth was important, Donna had said. Crazy or not, he had decided as soon as he was having this person listen to him that he would say the truth. He hadn't really spoken to Martha about this type of thing though and so only had one opinion to go by.
Psychology he wasn't very familiar in. The mind to him was an open book if he was allowed in. Talking about things hadn't really seemed normal before, especially when his people still existed. Back then he had been able to feel their minds in his own. Sure, he doubted they would have helped him if he had needed it, hell they had thought he was crazy anyway and shunned him because of it. He had thought of it before, what it would be like if his people didn't exist, or if they would just leave him alone. When it had happened reality felt like it had snapped.
"Hello?" the voice on the other line said, and the Doctor shook his head to clear it of the thoughts of his people.
"Yeah, sorry. Did you say something?"
"Do you do that often?"
The Doctor blinked. He was sure now that he had missed something. "Umm, do what exactly?"
"Zone out. One minute you were talking and the next silence."
A sigh of relief crossed his lips. He had thought he had missed something important. Apparently not. Probably only his name being called. "Not really, no. Usually people are more than likely telling me to shut up, cause I talk a lot. I have a bad habit of babbling on about nothing when I am excited about something, or nervous, or I think it's too quiet. It isn't my best quality. Well, unless you happen to be of a race who reveres people who can talk fast and long about nothing in particular. There are a few out there you know. They seem to like me. Well, unless they're also empathic and then they generally stay as far away as possible. I give them headaches...and I'm giving you an absolutely marvellous example of it right now. Sorry."
A chuckle was heard in his ear, and he grinned. This talking thing on the phone wasn't so bad, even if he was babbling utter nonsense because of how nervous he was.
"Why did you call?"
His mood shifted again so suddenly he had to sit down on the captain's seat to stop himself from falling. It wasn't even nerves this time, but pure, simple fear. Why was he calling? "Because I can't do this anymore. Martha gave me your number not long ago. Martha Jones. It was hard enough asking for that."
Silence was his answer for that, and he shifted slightly, wondering if he was even doing the right thing in calling in the first place. Sighing, he shook his head, even though he knew the man couldn't see it. "This was stupid. I don't know what I'm doing half the time."
"Do you find it hard to talk about?"
He huffed at that. "What do you think? Yes. I told Donna after it happened. I don't think I couldn't not tell her right then. I just...I was almost killed and in the circumstances involved, was unable to do anything to save myself. Four others had lost their lives. One to save me..."
"Have you told anyone else?"
He sighed. How much of this was going to be done over the phone. Wasn't this supposed to be done in person? And would this be considered something to add to a file. The thought of having everything he said written down made him fidget. "Yes. Jack a few days ago, and Martha earlier today. I owed them that at least. Both times left me embarrassed...for different reasons, but still embarrassed."
There was a pause for a few long seconds. "Can you tell me why?"
This time he snorted. "Oh, hell no. I really don't want to. It's...kind of personal. Both times."
"Alright. Do you know why it was embarrassing to you?"
He laughed then, the idea that he couldn't remember his actions either time was kind of funny, because he did remember, all too vividly. "Yes. Very much so. I think between what happened both times I've managed to embarrass not only myself but a few others with my reactions."
"Were you embarrassed with Donna?"
He shook his head, and remembered it couldn't be seen. "No. I was still in a shocked state. I don't really remember what I said for the rest of that day. I think since then, I've repeated several conversations."
"Forgetting things?"
"Not really forgetting as just...not really paying attention. Or paying too much attention. I kind of have a hard time with public transport now..."
"Panic attack?"
"Yeah."
"Anything else, worrying you?"
He jumped off the seat and started pacing, the TARDIS trying unsuccessfully to calm his suddenly racing mind. "Yeah. Yes. Umm, I have had a few bloody horrid flashbacks. I had four panic attacks on the first day. I'm worrying my friends because I'm not eating right. I'm sleeping too much and having nightmares. I've lost track of time. Me! I don't lose track of time. It's near enough impossible for that to happen. Umm, let me think..."
He didn't want to say any more. Not right now. He just wanted to hang up and go out where the others were and try to lose himself in idle conversations, jokes, and maybe if he was really lucky, a call would be given out for them to go hunt some alien beastie across Cardiff.
He was getting the nervous energy he got with staying in a place too long. He needed to do something, anything to make this all just go away. Move on and forget, like he was used to doing.
It might not be the best thing, but it was the only coping mechanism he had been able to employ for his life and what he did.
All he wanted was to just travel. Why did he always end up in a bad situation? He had taken Donna to Midnight to have a holiday from the monsters and the running. She had gotten that, and in return had to look after him, the mess that he was.
"Everything's so messed up and hard!"
He really hadn't intended on saying that last bit out loud, but he couldn't help it. The words had burst out of him without his wanting them to. He couldn't even control what he said anymore.
He fell to his knees on the hard grating that made up the TARDIS's floor. He couldn't get enough air into his lungs, even with his respiratory bypass.
"Sir, try breathing properly. You're hyperventilating."
It took 10 minutes for him to calm down. His chest hurt and he rubbed at it almost obsessively. His hearts were thudding terribly hard behind his ribcage. He had been afraid he was going to have a double coronary for a second.
"Ow. My chest hurts. And I didn't mean to do that. I really, really didn't."
"I think we can stop this now, yes?"
The Doctor nodded again. "Yeah."
"Would you like to set up an actual appointment? Or call back later?"
A light blush began to march across his face. He had forgotten to do that to begin with, and was probably the reason for the secretary to begin with. Of course. The man would be busy with his job. He was bound to have someone to write down messages and things like that. "Yeah, alright."
"Does 9am Friday next week sound good? I'm free most of the morning, so don't worry about time."
"Alright. Sure, any time really. You might have to call me though to say when. I might be...anywhere by then. If I'm lucky. I won't be late though, promise."
He glared at the inside of his ship and heard her send him warm feelings of love. She'd get him there on time, as soon as the call came. He didn't know whether to be pleased, or terrified at the prospect of it.
"What's your telephone number and your name?"
"I'm the Doctor." He gave his personal number, the one to the TARDIS phone. The one on the console. He didn't think anyone really had his mobile number since he didn't really use it very often, unless it was an emergency. The TARDIS would more easily tell him about the phone ringing too.
He was oddly grateful that the man didn't tell him Doctor wasn't a name but a title, or some such other thing.
"I'll see you Friday then. Goodbye and try to look after yourself."
"Alright, thanks. Oh! Umm, what's your name?"
"Jeremy, but most people call me Mr. Thompson, Doctor Thompson, or sir."
"Alright. Thank you. Bye."
He hung up before he asked any more questions.
Oddly enough, even after his panic attack, now that an appointment was set he felt a little better. A bit like he would shake in his boots come Friday, but rather less like he was alone in this. That Friday was a little over a week away. He could keep himself occupied until then, even if he was stuck on Earth.
All he was going to do was test it out anyway. If it didn't work out, then he'd just have to dump the idea, because there wasn't another therapist that could deal with an alien in this day and age. And as Martha had said earlier, he really was more comfortable in the here and now.
Donna decided at the beginning of the day, when Tom had been nice to the Doctor in a personal crisis, that she liked Martha's fiancé. He was calm, collected, and when he got to talking, rather fun. And he hadn't made fun of the Doctor, which made her feel better about him being around her, because she really wouldn't put up with anyone poking fun at someone she cared about.
The Doctor had shown her so much. The least she could do in return was to make sure he looked after himself and was as well as he was going to get for a while. For the last few days, he had definitely taken a turn for the worst. At least for the first few days after it had happened he had eaten anything she had brought in for him.
And then he had gotten the guts up to venture outside. Yet again, that had set off a flashback. How awful it must feel to not be able to open up a door just because it opened up to whatever was outside.
He had no problems with other doors. And the TARDIS was indulging him that one by opening her main doors outside for him before he entered the console room. She doubted somehow that that was good, but had no idea how to tell the TARDIS that, or even if it was the right thing to do.
She sighed loudly at that last thought. She'd have to have a talk with this psychiatrist just to tell him what she knew. It might help the man look after the Doctor better.
Would a psychiatrist know how to deal with those kinds of phobias, or would that be a psychologist.
She always got those two muddled up.
What was the difference anyway?
A hand fell on her knee and made her jump slightly. She looked over to Tom, who was watching her intently. It took her a few seconds to remember he was a doctor. He could probably see that this was not good for anyone, including her. Damn him for that. "What?" she snapped, moving her leg sharply away from him. He took the hint and let go.
"You care a lot about him."
She glared. Well, duh! Of course she did. "He's my best mate. Will never have another one like him, never had one like him to begin with. He's like...an annoying younger brother, except much older than me, and is a different species."
"Mate as in friend, or mate as in sexual partner?"
She let her head hit the wall behind her, but not hard, just to see if she was still awake. How come everyone looked at her and the Doctor and immediately thought they were lovers? "Just friends. We will always be nothing but just friends. I am in no way sexually attracted to him. He's not attracted that way to me. For one, he is far too skinny. And he talks too much. I like a boyfriend to be non chatty."
Tom nodded and grinned at her. "How do you know he's not attracted to you?"
"Cause the only person I know of who has ever gotten his attention that way is Rose, and he's still missing her way too much to even try to start another relationship."
Tom nodded slightly. "Martha mentioned a Rose."
Donna glared at him. "Oh Martha did, did she? Far as I have heard she wouldn't even let him speak of her. What he needed was a friend. Someone he could talk to. No wonder he's always trying to pretend he's alright. He's been taught time and again, by humans most likely, that he can't feel because he's alien."
The man beside her, damn him, smiled at her and nodded. "He does act human."
"Most of the time. Sometimes he acts so alien you wonder how you forgot he's not. He has these rules too, about time. I don't think they're personal rules though, just something to make travelling in time more safe, but sometimes they suck."
"What rules this then?" Martha asked, finished with her talk with Toshiko, and the two women joined them in the talk. "Don't wander off? He's fond of that one."
Donna stared and shook her head. "No. The ones of whether or not a point in time is fixed or in flux. Flux...I can't believe I just said that in a normal conversation..." Shaking he head she sighed. "I had to help him do it, he froze..."
"Do what?" Tosh asked, taking her computer chair and sitting in it.
"Time, an important event, one that can't be changed...was going to change. The only way to stop it was to kill 20 000 people. 20 000 humans, and I helped end their lives."
Silence fell upon them all, and the only thing that broke it was when the hub door opened and Ianto, Jack and Owen walked in. Owen with a look of irritated frustration on his face.
At spotting them, Owen went to join them, eager for a bit of silence by the look of it. After a few seconds, he got up again and made his way into the makeshift morgue. He didn't say a word the entire time.
Ianto and Jack didn't seem too worried though. Maybe there had been a bit of a scene, involving sex and two men together and Owen walking in on it...
Donna rolled her eyes at her own thoughts, before she got up and stretched. It had been a half hour now, and she didn't think it took this long to make a phone call to set an appointment. "I'm going to see how he's doing..." she stated out loud, before walking over to where the TARDIS was parked in Jack's office.
She saw him through the open doors, lying on the grating, not too far away from the door. He looked simultaneously relieved and worried. His eyes were slightly red, which made her think he'd been crying at one point, but not in the last few minutes, since his face and eyes were dry, and he looked too pale, even for him.
He looked up at her and a small smile formed on his lips. "Hello. I fell and don't want to get up, though this isn't the most comfortable place to be," he said in a way of a greeting, and she chuckled, closing the door behind her as she entered fully. She didn't want anyone else to see the Doctor like this than need be, because he wasn't being himself.
Well, he had a bloody good reason for it. She hoped he did actually make the call. "Did you set up a time?"
He nodded and the look on his face turned to relief and nervousness. "Yeah, Friday next week, bright and early. He wanted the morning free to get to know me. I think that's what he meant. He said he had time free so we could talk then. I don't know whether to be glad I finally called and that's over with, or throw up from nerves at the thought of going."
Donna shook her head and grinned, holding out her hand for him to take. Heaving him off the ground was easy, since he weighed practically nothing. "Keep your lunch in your stomach, and I'll put something else in there. You're having dinner tonight, I don't care what you say to it."
He looked at her with wide innocent eyes and grinned. "Yes mum." He wiped the innocent look off his face but kept the grin. "Can we have chips? I like chips. Haven't had chips in a while."
A little kid is what he was. If he wanted something that was exactly how he acted, but yet again, he was asking for food here, and it was something he had been depriving himself of lately. "Fine, chips then. I can have Ianto call and get them delivered to the information desk."
"I'll meet you in the kitchen then."
She should have guessed he wasn't up to company just then. Poor sod was still probably bashing himself up in his head for what happened earlier. He was like that. She'll try and talk to him when she got back inside.
"Want me to invite Jack and Martha in as well, or not?" she asked, just to make sure she had heard what he was implying properly. He might not let her back in otherwise.
"No. I just want a quiet night inside the TARDIS. Guess I was a little bit lost without her. Still, can't be helped, she has one of hers to look after now. Should be good when it's grown, but that takes hundreds if not thousands of years. It's just the jump starting now, making sure its growing right, that kind of thing. Should be able to go again soon enough."
She smiled and nodded. The Doctor, bless him, was getting itchy feet. He really did hate to stay in one place for too long. Hopefully their first trip after Midnight was somewhere that will make him feel a bit more like his normal self. Something involving running, but not terrifying. Hmm, shopping. An alien shopping place sounded good. Try different foods, different types of clothes, different drinks. "Alright. See you in a bit then, spaceman."
He smiled at her and went into the corridors of the TARDIS, hopefully towards the kitchen like he had said.
She had noticed his preference of trying to sleep lately. And apart from last night, which he had slept right through and whenever he was on moving transport, he never got enough. And last night was probably a fluke because his body had needed to repair itself.
Ah well, at least it was a true, proper sleep and he had been looking better in colour since then.
She exited the TARDIS and found Jack at his desk, gently running his hands over the piece of coral that was the beginnings of a new TARDIS. He was frowning at her. "How is he?"
She frowned right back. "He's better than he was. Wants chips of all things. I said I'd go get Ianto to get some for him."
"That was started by Rose, the chips. It's comfort food."
Nodding, Donna closing the blue doors behind her. She knew automatically that the TARDIS wouldn't let anyone but her in. She didn't know what to feel about that, but the Doctor did want a bit of peace and quiet. She'd do her best to let him have that at least. Just the two of them.
"Ianto's down in the morgue trying to calm Owen down."
Nodding again, she left the office and went down to where she could hear the loud angry voice of Owen.
"Bloody hell! No!"
"It would just be this once, Owen."
"I said no! I'm fine, I don't need it."
Silence filled the hub after that, and Donna had the odd urge to knock on the wall before entering the medic's area. In the end, she didn't bother, because after a few silent minutes, Ianto came out of his own accord, shaking his head.
He didn't look too angry, more worried than anything else. She doubted the worry was for the Doctor. "Yes?" he asked, seeing her standing there like a useless lump of a woman.
"Umm, yeah, chips. For dinner, you know. To eat."
A sigh left the man and he nodded. "For two I'm guessing?"
"Yeah. Thanks." She hadn't really thought that he might do more in this job than be an errand boy. Though he did make the best cup of coffee. And seemed to clean up after everyone. And had called for the pizzas.
She peeked into the morgue, to see Owen shaking his head, and furiously scribbling in a book. There was a sheet over what she very much thought was a human body. She left him to it, going back to Jack's office to wait.
"What the hell was that about, anyway?" she asked the man at his desk. Jack closed his eyes and shook his head.
"I told him that since Martha's here, he should be scanned and run through tests again, to see if he has lost any of his functions. He's not too thrilled with the idea. He wasn't the first time either. That's how he got the cut on his hand. It was a stupid accident which happened because he wasn't paying attention. Being dead it won't heal."
She nodded. She knew that Owen was dead, but not the how or why. It was mildly interesting, and a whole lot disturbing. "How'd he break the fingers? Was that an accident too?"
"No. He did that to prove a point. He wasn't thinking straight though. He also tried to drown himself."
They lapsed off into silence, Jack doing what oddly looked like paperwork, while she seated herself down against the TARDIS doors.
7 minutes later, Ianto was back holding a steaming bag of chips. Either there was a chip shop really close to the information centre, or Torchwood had a cook in Ianto too.
With a smile and a thank you, she stood, grabbed the chips and made her way back into the TARDIS.
She'd try to make this a good night for the Doctor.