10

...hi. Remember me? Yeah, I'm that bitch who hasn't updated in...two months. Shite. I'm sorry. I was going to write a load while I was away in Minehead at the end of October, but I got really really ill and spent Halloween worshipping the Porcelain God, and then it was my birthday (sweet 16, bitches!), and then I had two weeks of mock exams, and then I had to spend AGES making Jen's birthday video (nice Gangnam Style parody...search Llama Style TheExplodingLlamas if you wanna see me making a fool of myself), and then asdfghjkl. I'm really sorry, and I know I'm just making excuses, but I do feel bad.

In any case, today I broke up for Christmas, and have got over two weeks until I need to be back at school, so I have no reason not to write (what's that? Homework? EFF THAT!). Also, I had a shite day, so imma take my angst out on the characters. Namely, Loki. Enjoy his POV for a bit. And thank you for over 100 reviews, that makes me very happy – I can't believe the reception this story (and Jailbait) gets even when I neglect you!

Happy holidays!
Saskia xxx

~Loki POV~

I disliked cars. They were unnatural and unnerving, and I felt trapped like a caged animal waiting for slaughter. The tension in the vehicle was palpable, and I couldn't wait to get out of there, but from the disjointed conversation between Romanoff (who was driving) and the beast (who was navigating), I gathered we still had another two or so hours before we reached our destination. I stretched out across the backseat, wishing that the machine wasn't so claustrophobic for someone of my stature. Bruce turned around in alarm at my sudden movement and I held my hands up in exasperation.

"What, I'm not allowed to move at all in this infernal machine?" I snapped, my patience wearing thin. It was risky, talking like that to the doctor, but he clearly had more patience than I.

"Loki, you know the precautions we have to take around you, and for good reason. Please don't make this any more difficult than it already has to be, if we cooperate I'm sure we'll be finished here sooner." I scoffed, but lay back in my seat again, glaring at the strap that was jabbing into my neck. This mortal body would drive me insane – so sensitive to every slight discomfort, so easy to damage. I recalled the day Lily had taught me how to use the cooker, and I'd burnt my hand on the heat. Such an injury would heal within hours for my Jotun body, but I had to keep it bandaged for nearly two weeks.

I had come to understand why the All-Father (damn him to hell) had made the decision to send me to Earth in a human body, to live with humans for twenty years (barely any time at all in the grand scale of things), but that didn't mean I didn't resent it for every second I spent here. Since my exile, questions had arisen in my mind that I had no way of answering; would my body age like a human's would over twenty years? Would I revert to how I was before my exile after I was through with my spell here? And what of Lily? I had found that time passes excruciatingly slowly as a mortal, and I knew that my attachment to her would only grow...would I be able to leave her behind?

This thought naturally brought me onto thoughts Lily and I as a unit, and I shifted uncomfortably. I would be lying if I denied my fondness of her, and I would be lying if I said that it didn't scare me. The only people I had cared for on a scale close to this before were Thor, Frigga and Odin, and all three had betrayed me in some way. My faith in their love for me had made me blind, and it was a constant worry for me that Lily would break my trust in her in the way my family had. Everyone I have ever cared for had thrown it back in my face, and I was wary of it happening again.

But I couldn't help but care for her. She had befriended me when I was at my most vulnerable, when everyone else treated me like bilgesnipe, and continued to believe that I was capable of goodness as I wreaked havoc upon her world. And now, being away from her after being in her close company for months...I missed her. There was a dull ache in my stomach that I had only ever experienced once before: on the roof when I killed her. I had seen her just this morning, and yet it felt like we had been parted for days. I wondered whether this was what love feels like. Then I became aware of what I was thinking and shook myself. I could not love her. True, I had become dependant on her company in anticipation of making it through these years of exile, and I certainly enjoyed the intimacy we had established, but that wasn't conducive to love, was it? She was just a...friend, a very good friend. Who I kissed a lot. And fantasised about. Curse these human emotions.

I returned to my original question: would I be able to leave her behind after my exile had ended? If I felt this way after just a few hours away from her, how would I feel if I was a few worlds away? In my immortal body, I could suppress human emotions fairly well, but what I felt for her seemed to far surpass any other human urge I had experienced. I asked myself why I hadn't slept with her...and by slept I of course mean had sex. We had slept together many times, but never gone further than a few wandering hands and flirting with nudity. In all my relationships before (none as emotionally weighted as this one), sex had been a matter of course, usually within days of meeting, but for some reason I was holding out with her. My mind wandered back to Frigga giving me life lessons, and one such lesson stood out in particular.

"There are some decisions that have to be made quickly; decisions like the ones your father makes all the time. These are the decisions that are based upon instinct, and that will have an immediate effect on you and the people around you, or the people you lead. You, my dear Loki, are very good at these instinctive decisions, but you tend to rush the other sort – the decisions that need time and thought. You think of something and you say it; you have an idea which you carry out instantly. This sort of behaviour will not treat you well in the future, when such decisions carry more weight than whether you fill your brother's bed with ants or honey. Decisions of the heart carry more meaning the longer they are considered. If you do something and you have waited to do it, and you have longed to do it, and you have thought carefully about why you are doing it and what it will make you feel, that action will be so much more rewarding and special than any impulsive action. This is also true for the way you treat other people; treat them with careful thought and consideration, afford them respect, and in turn you too will be respected.

This, I realised, was the reason for my abstinence. I wanted sex with Lily to be meaningful and significant – to be emotionally rewarding as well as physically rewarding. I...damn it. I wanted to make love to her, not to have sex with her.

I wanted to love her.

This revelation arrived just as we came to a stop, and I couldn't get out of the damn car fast enough. I turned my face towards the light breeze coming from towards the setting sun and exhaled slowly. In actuality, the epiphany shouldn't come as so much of a surprise to me – subconsciously, I think I'd probably known ever since the rooftop. I turned around back towards the car and saw Romanoff and Banner heading towards a smallish motel, carrying bags over shoulders and dragging suitcases behind them. I looked back towards the sunset, appreciating how easily I could run; even as a human, I was fast, and they weren't paying any attention to me. I sighed, turning my back on my freedom, knowing that if I had any hope of returning to immortality, I had to cooperate. Bah.

~X~

"This will be yours and Bruce's room. Sorry you have to share, but it was short notice booking us in here, and S.H.I.E.L.D can't go pulling rank over little businesses like these – word could travel very easily into the wrong ears in exchange for a few hundred." I followed the Widow into the small but clean room and surveyed the two neatly made single beds and furnishings, keeping my face stoic as I inwardly longed for the luxuries I was surrounded by in Asgard. "The light's almost gone, so we're going to head out to the Bifrost site in the morning rather than go now...Bruce is calling up for a takeaway now." At the mention of takeaway food, I perked up a little – it was delicious in a disgusting way, regardless of what type it was. "I'll leave you to get settled in." The redhead was already edging out of the room, her discomfort around me just as evident as ever. She clearly hadn't forgotten our encounter aboard the Helicarrier...or forgiven me for controlling her precious Barton. I wasn't going to apologise. I had done enough grovelling to people over whom I should lord. The door swung closed behind her and I slumped on one of the beds, the one nearest the window, dropping the bag Lily had packed for me on the floor next to it. I glared a new pattern into the ceiling while I waited to be called through, wishing that I could talk to Lily but knowing she'd probably be busy...working or flirting, either was a possibility with her. I'd always had a jealous streak a mile wide, and here it reared its head, causing a tightening in my chest as I imagine her batting her eyelids at Stark or her gaze sliding down to Rodgers' rear. I closed my eyes and thought of the way she looked at me, recalling the warmth in her eyes that was so foreign to me in the past, and my chest loosened. I heard someone stop outside my door and sat up expectantly.

"Food's in, Loki." Banner called mildly, and I took a moment to appreciate how controlled he was...it was admirable, even I had to admit it...then again, I was hardly a poster boy for self control. I sat on the sagging couch alongside...Bruce...and accepted the plate of Indian food from Romanoff with a polite nod. Lily had told me there was no harm in being civil, and I'm sure it would help convince the All-Father of my 'good intentions' (aka, give me back my magic please and I promise I won't use it to destroy Midgard). I noticed the two agents exchanging looks, clearly surprised at my ability to be polite, and rolled my eyes – I could be positively charming if I wanted to, but I didn't want to further their suspicions.

That night, when the doctor was snoring gently in the bed next to mine, I opened the window above my bed and jumped out, landing with an 'oof' but on my feet. I straightened up and centred myself – I'd discovered that while I couldn't use magic, I could sense it, and the Bifrost site held residual power that was as obvious to me as a shining beacon of light. I set off at a jog, accelerating as the pull of the magic became stronger. By the time I reached the site, there was a thin gleam of sweat on my forehead and my breathing was coming fast, but I stopped and once again exhaled slowly. I turned a half circle and raised my head.

"Heimdall! I know you can hear me, and that you know what I request. You know I will not beg in front of the humans, so hear me beg now. Please! Have I not proved my worth here? I live amongst those who should be beneath me, and I do so with minimal complaint. I assure you, my intentions towards this planet and its people have changed, and you know why. The Valkyris must be stopped, and I cannot help the so-called Avengers as I am. Please. Do not shun me now when I am trying to do good, regardless of how much animosity I have faced here." My calls echoed in the dark night and I sighed. I could practically hear the gatekeeper ignoring me.

The next morning, I was woken by Banner groaning as he rolled out of his bed, his mouth stretching in a yawn as he stumbled through to the bathroom. I sat up, reaching for a large t shirt to pull on over my grey sleeping trousers (Lily called them tracky bums...some things I would never understand). I ran my hand through my hair, feeling grains of sand rub against my fingers as a reminder of my shameful pleading last night. Today would mark the beginning of the focussed petitioning, consisting of messages to Thor, guilt trips and not so subtle hints that my magic would be of great help. I walked through to the communal area between my shared room and Romanoff's room and filled the kettle up at the small sink next to a cabinet (I swear it was positioned just for me to hit my head on). I found three chipped mugs and put them on the work surface. No one could say I wasn't trying. I made a cup of tea for myself (cursing the fact that I wasn't as good at it as Lily was) and left enough water in the kettle for my two companions to make themselves whatever they wanted. I drank my hot drink quickly, and informed a wet-haired Banner of the full kettle as I passed him on my way to the bathroom. I showered, thinking that such a device was certainly one of Midgard's redeeming features and dressed in my more low-key Asgardian regalia (trousers like none on Earth and the breastplated tunic that only looked a little out of place). I couldn't summon my helmet without magic, and I wished I had its reassuring weight on my head, but I knew that if all went to plan, I would be able to wear it again with pride by the time the week was out.

~X~

Once again, I found myself almost admiring the two mortals I was with. It was blisteringly cold, and we had been calling for hours. Their stamina was astounding – even I was beginning to tire, but the Black Widow continued to shout the names of the missing and the dead, while Banner monitored the activity of what I knew as magic, but what he knew as something more scientific in the area. I interjected with recollections of how well Thor had fought the Valkyris before, and how ineffective the Avengers would be against them without a little help, before saying how much of a shame it was that I could not help. It was demeaning, and it was only the thought that I would be able to protect Lily if our petitioning was successful that prevented me from giving up and walking away. By nightfall, we admitted defeat for the day, and agreed to return tomorrow. I glared up at the sky as we trudged back towards the damned car, certain that Odin was being obstinate just to aggravate me and observe my reaction, but I was determined not to rise to his challenge. I was also (begrudgingly) bonding with Natasha and Bruce...bah, even calling them by their forename made me realise how far I fallen...but we still made a few uneasy jokes, and they both relaxed around me, lessening their constant suspicion. Damn it all to hell, this was mortifying.

The same routine continued for the next day, and the next, with me pleading in solitude by night and our joint tactical blackmail in the light of day. It wasn't until the fourth day that we began to see some results. After a few hours of calling – our shouts becoming more and more short tempered – I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as a slight wind swept around us. Bruce excitedly pointed out the spike in whatever energy he was monitoring and we continued our lobbying with renewed enthusiasm. An hour later, it happened. My power returned.

"Bruce! Natasha!" I drew myself up to my full body height and then transformed into my usual state, the helmet appearing on my head and my body growing by a few inches. They saw me and took a few steps back, instantly wary. I ignored them and began testing myself. Even after creating a dozen doubles of myself, I was barely taxed. I laughed out loud, revelling in my return to my true form and rose several metres in the air, creating a sandstorm in my joy. I had no idea it would feel so satisfying to be back. I remembered my company and looked down on them, seeing that Romanoff had levelled her gun at me and Banner's fists were clenched. I sighed. Can a God not have his fun after being shackled by human constraints for so long? I slowly descended, returning to the human appearance with more than a little reluctance. "Put the gun away, Agent Romanoff. After all, this..." I gestured to myself, "...is what we were hoping to achieve." I smirked, the smirk that was filled with self-assurance and smugness.

"What about Thor?" She asked tightly, her gun not wavering. I sighed.

"You people are never happy." I closed my eyes, reaching out with my mind across the realms, finding the beacon that was the remains of the Bifrost and then locating Heimdall. With a grunt, I burst into his mind before retreating enough to not be imposing on his thoughts, merely receptive to what he was transmitting.

"Will Thor be joining us, Gatekeeper?" I asked drily. In truth, now I was returned to my power, my arrogance began to overwhelm me, and I looked for the restraint that I had been forced to exhibit for the past few months on Earth.

"Loki. Your father-"

"He's not my father."

"Your father has asked me to remind you that should you abuse the power he has so generously returned to you, the consequences will be severe." Heimdall's voice boomed around my head, causing me to wince.

"Yes, I know, I know, 'Be a good boy or Daddy will be angry and make you stay on Earth for an extra ten years', blah blah blah. Where is Thor?" Even in my head, my voice was derisive.

"The consequences will be weightier than that." His voice was steely, and I composed myself.

"Where. Is. Thor?" For a man of few words, the gatekeeper of the Bifrost certainly wasn't being very direct.

"He is making preparations to return to Midgard. He will arrive within three Earth hours, directly to your lodgings." Abruptly, I was shut out of Heimdall's mind and opened my eyes with a jolt. I swayed unsteadily for a moment, the effects of communicating across Yggdrasil suddenly taking their toll. I shook myself and addressed Banner and Romanoff.

"Thor is returning to Earth. He'll transport straight to our motel." The relief upon their faces was excessively obvious. The doctor and I began packing up our supplies and loading them into the car while Romanoff contacted S.H.I.E.L.D to inform them of what had transpired. Banner looked at me as I dusted my hands off, his gaze steady and unafraid.

"Can we trust you?" His question drew me up short.

"I'm sorry?" I asked disbelievingly.

"You've got what you came for, your magic is back. What's stopping you running off and going for world domination again? What evidence do we have that proves that we can trust you?" I glared at him.

"I have one word for you. One word that is evidence enough; one word that keeps me here willingly; one word that will answer all of your questions regarding my intentions. That word is Lily." I hissed. He studied me carefully, and then nodded. I turned my heel, suppressing the urge to blast a hole in the fabric of the universe with my newly regained powers.

~X~

An hour later, I was walking through the streets of the small town in order to get adequate food to satisfy my brother's ridiculous appetite. Agent Romanoff had been uneasy about letting me out of her sight, but Banner had pointed out that he could use the same technology he had used to monitor the Bifrost to track me, so she begrudgingly agreed. I sauntered down the narrow alleyway with a confidence I hadn't felt in ages, an arrogance that blocked my mind from sensing the supernatural presence behind me until a knife was held at my throat. I froze, sniffed, and sighed.

"I should have known." I commented, turning slowly to see my assailant. The woman smiled, her lips already forming the words to the spell that would effectively blanket me, making my power untraceable to Banner. Resistance would be futile.

Duh duh duuuuuuuunnnnn. I was originally going to split this into two chapters, but my sister said it would be better to upload it as one bigger one to compensate for my long absence. What do you think? Shorter chapters more often, or bigger chapters every couple of weeks? Also, ASDFGHJKL;LKJHGBKFLGHIJGFD WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS CHAPTER I WAS ALSO ORGANISING GOING TO MEET JOHN AND HANK GREEN WITH JEN AND AMBER AND OHMIGOD I'M MEETING THE VLOGBROTHERS IN FEBRUARY AND I CAN'T AND WHAT IS AIR. Excuse me. Reviewers win a Christmas tree decorated with Tom Hiddleston's face, and the more I get, the more likely I am to update again before Christmas. I love your face, and DFTBA! x