Chapter 10: Maybe
"Nervous?" Rachel asked as they stood outside the door to the choir room.
"Nope," she lied. "You?"
"I never get stage fright. Except for that one unfortunate occurrence when I was four before a dance competition, but I still don't know if it was from butterflies or the three bags of cotton candy I indulged in earlier that the day. Since then, there have been no such recurrences, so I'm likely to believe the latter."
"Why would you anyway?" Quinn grumbled, glancing in through the window quickly before moving back out of sight. "You have nothing to worry about."
"Neither do you," she said perplexedly.
"Sure I do. It's a lot harder for me. You sing effortlessly."
"It's hardly without effort, Quinn. My years of training-"
"I'm just gonna try not to make a fool of myself singing with you."
"What does that mean?" she asked, looking hurt.
"Just that…" She rolled her eyes and almost stomped her foot. "Fine! I'll admit it. I'm nervous. You're incredible, Rachel, and I just want to keep up. Okay?"
The brunette's eyes misted over with unshed tears. She looked around them carefully to make sure there was no one within hearing distance, before stepping in a little closer, turning their friend bubble to something else.
"I wish we were alone right now so I could kiss you senseless for that," she said huskily.
"Later. Let's just get through this first," Quinn replied tersely and pushed open the door, leaving a still glowing Rachel behind.
Sam/Mercedes, Mike/Artie, Santana/Kurt, and Finn/Brittany had already performed earlier that week. Today it was Puck and Tina then Rachel and Quinn before the final judgment where Miss Pillsbury, Mr. Schuester, and Coach Beiste would name the winners. Mr. Schue said he couldn't leave it up to them again because they had all just voted for themselves last time.
Puck and Tina did much better than expected, considering the two of them had barely engaged in the spoken word with each other before this. They had everyone clapping and singing along. Quinn knew that her duet with Rachel was going to be better though.
"Alright, girls," he clapped his hands together. "Best for last?"
"Need you even ask, Mr. Schue?" Rachel retorted confidently which earned her several nasty under the breath comments and groans.
Quinn vainly tried not to glare at them all for being such whiny brats.
The music started and she felt the butterflies start up even worse than before. She just hoped she could get through this song without screwing up. What was she thinking suggesting it? To sing with Rachel? The whole club was going to know the truth before they were halfway through!
The two of them had agreed beforehand not to look at each other too much during the performance, so as not to accidentally give themselves away. It had actually been Rachel to bring it up.
"I might possibly moon over you, so if we just focus our attention on our audience, everything should be just fine. If not, we can probably pass it off as part of the performance."
"You're going to moon over me?"
"It's a possibility, yes. I'm just being honest. I know myself, Quinn. My feelings tend to be on the surface for all to see during a performance. It's part of what makes me good! I convey a dramatic, but sincere sense of raw emotion. I cry during practically every solo."
"I noticed."
"So just focus on the audience and the judges and we'll be just fine."
"I can't believe you said you were going to moon over me. Who says that? Who admits to that?"
"POSSIBLY! I SAID POSSIBLY!"
The music started, then it was her cue, and there was no going back.
"I'm strong,
But I break."
Thank God! Her voice didn't crack. She could do this. Just focus on the audience, like Rachel said.
"I'm stubborn,
And I make plenty of mistakes.
Yeah, I'm hard,
And life with me is never easy,
To figure out, to love,
I'm jaded but oh so lovely."
She found Sam's gaze up in the back row and smiled at him. Though the offer of friendship still stood solidly, they hadn't really spoken to each other since that morning at her locker. Quinn understood. She wanted to give him space and it was okay because she knew if ever she needed it, there would be someone on her side. It didn't matter that they weren't talking much right now, just knowing that the support was there was enough. If she had to fall, Sam Evans's arms were one of the safest places she knew.
"All you have to do is hold me,
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be,
If you'll trust me, love me, let me,"
She turned to see the brunette stepping up beside her and her heart slammed into her throat.
"Maybe, yeah maybe."
Rachel tucked her hair behind her ear shyly and kept her eyes purposefully on the people before them. There was a distinct red blush on her cheeks that she couldn't hide though. Quinn stepped aside and listened as the diva opened her mouth to sing flawlessly and beautifully as always.
"Someday,
When we're at the same place,
When we're on the same road,
When it's OK to hold my hand,
Without feeling lost,
Without all the excuses,"
Their agreement not to look at each other was being broken more times than Quinn could count. Rachel ducked her head and smiled at her as she sang the rest of the verses, forgetting the others, forgetting the rules. She was singing to Quinn, and as bad as that could have been for them, Quinn just wanted to hear it.
"When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me,
Then maybe, maybe."
They sang together:
"All you have to do is hold me,
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be,
If you'll trust me, love me, let me,
Maybe, maybe."
Quinn took a few steps back as she realized how close they had gotten and looked towards the adults sitting off to the side in the front row.
"I don't want to be tough," she sang, breathing a little harder than she should be.
Rachel's voice came from behind her. "And I don't want to be proud."
"I don't need to be fixed," they harmonized, "and I certainly don't need to be found."
Quinn went back over to the center of the room, looking out at the faces and seeing none of them. There was only one face in her mind right now.
"I'm not lost,
I need to be loved,"
Rachel was beside her again and though there was plenty of distance between them, Quinn could just feel her there, heat radiating off their bodies as if they were just about to touch.
They sang together again.
"I just need to be loved,
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe,
That maybe, yeah maybe,
Maybe, yeah maybe."
Each and every time they got to this part in rehearsal, a solo for Rachel, it both thrilled and broke Quinn's heart. There was just something about the way she sang it, so sweet, so perfect, so honest. This time was all those rehearsals, times a thousand.
"I should know better than to touch the fire twice,
But I'm thinking maybe…
Yeah maybe you're mine."
To hell with the rules seemed to be their shared thought as their eyes met and they sang the last verse.
"Maybe, love, maybe."
Everyone applauded and cheered, especially the judges. The brunette bounced up and down happily, knowing they had won for sure. Quinn didn't care about any of it.
All she saw was Rachel.
It was a mistake though, to be as thoughtless as that, because had Quinn been more attentive, she would have seen the dark gleam forming in Santana Lopez's eyes.
Mr. Schuester, Miss Pillsbury, and Coach Beiste left the room to 'deliberate' which Rachel thought was unnecessary and told Quinn as much. What was there to think about? But she checked herself and admitted that of course it was prudent to look as though they considered all the options in the spirit of fairness for the other competitors. She wasn't certain, but Quinn suspiciously looked like she was trying not to laugh.
In truth, Rachel had been nearly out of her mind with worry about the song selection and it took every ounce of willpower she had to let Quinn handle it. If it were anyone else, she never would have tolerated such a thing, but it was so out of the ordinary for the other girl to make such a demand that she had to find a way to deal with it. Quinn was the powerhouse cheerleader that ruled the school with an iron fist, but in Glee, she seemed much more content to sit back and let others take the wheel. That is, she didn't protest it anyway.
Quinn had always been surprisingly accepting of Rachel's assumed position of hierarchy in the club and was, for the most part, at ease with sitting back and allowing others to lead the way. She never had much to say when it came to their song selections or performances, she mostly just went along with everything.
Which was so unlike her! Then again, when in Glee, almost all of them changed. They weren't the same people outside of that choir room - different talents were respected and valued – which changed the status quo. Rachel was the leader in Glee while Quinn was the leader in school. She'd loved the opportunity to stand up and make herself heard, even if the reception was lukewarm at best, because this was something she truly excelled in and none of them could deny it.
It was the one thing Quinn had never insulted or taunted her about over the years. She talked about Rachel's clothes, her looks, her personality, and just about every other possible part of her, but she never said a thing about Rachel's talent. Even back then, Quinn recognized it enough to know that she could never take that away.
So naturally, Rachel assumed that Quinn would sit back and allow her to lead their partnership in the competition and she was utterly taken aback by the blonde's sudden insistency in choosing a song. She couldn't fathom the reasoning for it at first, but as soon as she saw what Quinn had chosen, it all came together. Hope came bursting through like never before. She'd truly wanted to cry, but it wasn't the right time, or place, and she was sure it would freak the other girl out to see such a powerful reaction.
That song was Quinn's way of telling her what she wanted and that meant more to Rachel than anything. Especially that she was so willing to get up there in front of everyone and sing it with her. It was painfully difficult to keep her emotions in check while they performed, she could feel the tears about to overflow every time Quinn looked her way. There was so much happiness inside her that she could hardly stand it. When they finished and Quinn looked at her, just looked at her that way, Rachel knew how far she'd fallen. It wasn't ever going to stop.
The judges came back in and Mr. Schue announced the winners, but she didn't even wait for him to finish before bounding up to snatch the prize and started to make a small speech to the group about how deserving the win was even though everyone tried admirably and should be applauded for doing so. Quinn was shaking her head pointedly from where she still sat, not getting up with her. At the look on the other girl's face, Rachel relented, and cut the speech short. Everyone promptly got their things together and started to leave. Santana bitching about the unfairness of Quinn winning twice just because she's blonde was clearly heard over the shuffle.
Rachel looked around for Quinn, who had suddenly disappeared, and was disheartened. Why did she leave already? Rachel had really hoped to have the chance to talk with her and revel in their win, but it looked like that was going to have to wait until later. She wondered where Quinn was on the possibility of them using their winning coupons to celebrate at Breadstix together, as in, at the same time, at the same table even?
"Hey, Rach."
She tried not to wince at hearing his voice.
Finn was… well, Finn was complicated. Correction: her situation with Finn was complicated. Finn himself was fairly simpleminded and easy to figure out. He was a boy who had no idea what on earth he was doing…same as every other teenage boy in existence.
"Hello, Finn!" she chirped politely.
"Congratulations on the win. You guys were good. I was kinda worried cause I thought you two might end up clawing each other's eyes out before you got through it, but no crazy stuff."
"Um, thank you," she said uncomfortably and cleared her throat. "That's…kind of you to say."
It was odd. For so long she had obsessed over this boy now towering over her. He filled her thoughts night and day. He could say clumsy, but lovely, well-meaning things, and he could also be an enormous jerk.
It had taken her some time after their break up to actually admit that to herself, that he could be a jerk, because before she had always tried to pass it off as unintentional and chalked it up to his youth, immaturity. Surely, he never understood how hurtful some of the things he said and did were. Otherwise, he wouldn't have done it! Finn was a good guy, just obtuse at times…a lot of times.
Yet, after being with Quinn and her Finn-warped world slowly began to fade, she started seeing a lot more about their relationship that she hadn't wanted to see at the time. Finn always seemed embarrassed by her. He hardly ever stood up for her. He complained endlessly about never getting past second base. She'd always ignored those things before, in favor of the good, because she loved him and that's what you do when you love someone. At least, that's what she had thought.
Quinn changed that. Not only was her physical connection to Quinn unparalleled in any previous relationship, but the way she felt about her was so vastly different from what she had with Finn, Jesse, and even Noah. She thought she had loved them, well, Finn and Jesse anyway, but she knew now how sorely mistaken she was. What she felt for those boys wasn't love at all. It paled in comparison. She'd felt attraction, affection, and an intense need for a connection with someone else, for someone to want her, for someone to love her. She'd thrown herself headfirst into her relationships with them because she was desperately searching for that. She'd even convinced herself that she'd found it. Instead, she could see now that it was hardly at all what it should be.
Friendship mixed with mild attraction swirled with desperation, that was Finn. Add in a diva-off and then it became Jesse. Noah was merely a mild detour for sexual experimentation purposes...a very mild detour.
At least she'd been able to come to this realization now and not much later in life after she made too many mistakes she'd regret. That was something to be grateful for. While she would always feel something for Finn, whether it be friendship or perhaps something slightly more than that, it was so far beyond over for them. Her time with Quinn had effectively erased the boy from present day thoughts and it was only in moments like these, when they found themselves in a room together, that she would remember what it was they shared. She hoped Finn could find a way to forgive her for hurting him and that they could move on as friends. They always seemed to work better as friends. If she hadn't been so set on making it mean more, then maybe that's all they would have been. Too late for that now.
"Haven't seen you around much lately."
"I'm in school every day," she replied, puzzled. "And in Glee. We see each other all the time."
"Ah, yeah," he shrugged, "well, I just meant, you know, like, we don't talk much or anything."
"You're right." She nodded. "We haven't talked very much since everything that happened… I guess I thought you weren't quite amenable to speaking with me right now."
"Huh?"
Right. She'd forgotten how often she had to stop and explain things to Finn. He was never able to keep up with her very well. Probably the only time he ever did was when they were singing and barely even then. Over time, she found herself second guessing certain words and thought processes for the sake of the boy being able to understand her.
"You weren't up for it," she simplified.
"Oh, hah, yeah. Well, I wasn't at first, but I-I think I'd be cool with it now."
"Are you saying you'd like to be friends?" she asked hopefully. "Because I'd like that too."
"Friends?" he frowned, looking confused. "Uh. Sure. Friends. But that's not what you were asking for in the song though."
"Excuse me?"
"The song you picked. It was cool, you know. I really liked it. Look, I was majorly pissed at you for the thing with Puck, but I dunno… I feel like I haven't actually seen you for months and it kind of sucks. So I realized that it sucks not being around you. I think I wanna give us a second chance. I messed up by not telling you about Santana and then you messed up with Puck, but I don't care anymore. I want to get past it. Actually, I've been wanting to say this for a few days now, but you looked like you'd kinda moved on and all, but when you sang that song for me… I knew we could make it work."
"S-sang that song for you?" she stammered.
"Yeah!" He nodded eagerly. "It was totally obvious. I mean talking about being stubborn, making mistakes, life isn't easy with you, and all that stuff. It was totally about you and your issues. I think it's really awesome that you admitted to it like that."
Rachel had never experienced a stroke before, but she was sure whatever was happening to her right now was a lot like one.
Finn thought it was about him? Her song with Quinn was about him and performed as some misguided attempt to win him back?
Brain. Not. Functioning.
"F-Finn, I don't, I don't-"
"Come on, Rach," he grinned dopily at her and took one of her hands. It was strange how foreign it felt now. His enormous paw dwarfing her. It was so different from when she held Quinn's hand, every single thing about it, right down to the butterflies. "What do you say? Let's try us again. I missed you."
This was not happening. This could not be happening. Where did everyone else go? Why were they alone now? Dammit!
"I don't know what to say."
"Just say yes. I forgive you, Rach. I love you and I want us to be together. I know you want it too."
At that, she seemed to be able to break out of the daze and regain her bearings. She found solid ground once more and took her hand away from him. He looked surprised.
"I'm sorry, Finn, truly. But you have the wrong idea. I didn't pick that song for you or whatever it is you may believe."
He scoffed. "You don't have to deny-"
"Listen to me," she said firmly. "It was not about you, but I am genuinely sorry that you took it that way. Look, you broke up with me and it did hurt, but I've moved on. We don't belong together; we never did. I would love to be your friend, but I-I can't be your girlfriend."
"What are you talking about?" he asked in bewilderment. "You told me you loved me!"
"I-I thought I did," she said dolefully. "Maybe I did! But whatever the truth was then Finn, it's not how I feel about you now."
"Is this some chick game where you're playing hard to get? Cause that's not cool, Rachel."
"It's nothing of the sort and I'm insulted by the mere insinuation of it!" she snapped indignantly and then tried to calm herself. "We just don't work together. You lied to me for months. I ended up feeling desperate enough to kiss Noah. We always hurt each other more than we make each other feel good. You have to see that. Relationships shouldn't be that way."
"That's not true! We're awesome together! We make a great team. Why are you shooting me down like this? Is there someone else? There's someone else! Who?"
"Finn…" she said sadly, "I care about you and I will always care about you. You were the first boy I ever really liked. I'll always remember you for that, but we have to be able to move on and I hope that we can do so as friends because I meant it when I said that. I believe you're a good guy and I would very much like to have you as a part of my life. I just can't be that girl for you anymore."
There were tears welling in her eyes, but it wasn't because she was sad or because she regretted what she was doing. Even though this felt absolutely right, in every sense of the word, she couldn't help but feel a permanence settling in. She was really saying goodbye to this chapter of her life that had been both so sweet and so painful. She wouldn't change her past with Finn. He would be a part of her no matter what, but she no longer wanted him for her future.
"I-I should go now. I'll see you around, okay?"
"Rachel? Wha- Wait!" He shook his head angrily. "You're actually trying to tell me you sang that stuff about second chances and it had nothing to do with us?"
"I'm sorry," she offered helplessly with a sad shrug and walked out of the choir room.
Once out, her head was still reeling. Also, she was slightly nauseated.
Never in a million years did she expect that to happen. How could he think that song was about them? How dare he! That was about her and Quinn, and NO ONE had a right to step all over it and try to take-
No. Stop. He's never been all too bright. You just hurt his feelings. Don't be mad at him; feel sorry for him.
But there was a part of her that still really wanted to be mad at him. He could be so self-centered sometimes! How could he not see that she had moved on? And to just assume that she would go running back into his arms at first chance? Well, if she were brutally honest with herself, she'd given him enough reasons to believe she'd do that, but still!
She'd thought they were over…really, truly over. Why did he have to go and do that? Just bring it all up again when they could have kept moving forward. Now things were going to be even more awkward in Glee and they still had to sing most of the leads together… Her stomach churned at the thought. Glee was supposed to be her refuge, her time to shine, not to feel uncomfortable and tense because she'd rebuffed her ex-boyfriend's attempts to rekindle a doomed relationship.
Why did he have to be so dumb?
Someone grabbed her hand and before she knew it, Rachel was forcefully yanked out of the hallway into a dark room. The door shut behind her immediately. She couldn't see in the black and tripped over something, but a pair of strong arms wrapped round her waist steadied her before she fell. All in the same movement, hands whirled her around and she yelped when she found herself trapped between something solid and the person holding her.
Lips attacked her roughly without pretense. A tongue plunged into her mouth, searchingly, desperately, demandingly. Rachel moaned, eagerly succumbing to the onslaught, and caught the other girl's face in her hands as she kissed back with every ounce of passion. Their bodies melded at every curve, she could feel both their hearts racing wildly out of control. She flushed with a heat that went streaking down to the wetness pooling between her thighs. A hand hooked behind her knee and hitched her leg high up around her waist, grinding hard into her. Then she was at her throat, nipping and sucking fervently while rocking against her throbbing core. Rachel whimpered. It was all she could do to hold on.
"Tell me you don't want Finn," she demanded harshly.
"I don't want Finn."
"Tell me you want me."
"I want you," she gasped. "Only you."
"My name, say my name." Her hands went so high up Rachel's legs she was gripping her ass.
"I only want you, Quinn."
"You're mine," she growled against her lips.
"Yes, yes, I'm yours."
They were sitting on some boxes or maybe they were crates, Rachel didn't know or care. Her head rested against the wall while her body was warmly entangled with Quinn's as they came down from the highly charged encounter. They were wrapped up as comfortably as they could be, Quinn's arm around her waist, Rachel's cheek against her shoulder, her leg draped over Quinn's who had her hand on Rachel's knee, her thumb tracing absent circles across the sensitive flesh of the inside curve.
It was soothing. She liked being with Quinn like that. There was something inherently intimate about being this close, just to be close, while engulfed in darkness. She couldn't see her, but she could feel her.
Eventually, Rachel explained what had happened with Finn, what he thought, that he wanted them to get back together, how she turned him down. Quinn never said a word, just listened.
"How did you see us?"
"I was waiting for you outside in the hall," she said quietly, "but you never came out. When I went back to check…"
"Oh," Rachel murmured, feeling twinges of guilt. "I didn't mean to make you worried."
"You didn't. I mean, it wasn't your fault. You shot him down, right?"
"In flames," she admitted with a tinge of sadness.
"Are you sorry?" she asked so softly, Rachel wasn't sure she heard it at first, but she had.
Instead of reprimanding Quinn for even considering such a thing, she took her hand from her knee and squeezed it tightly so that the other girl would understand.
"Never."
Quinn exhaled heavily and so she nuzzled further into the crook of her neck, keeping their linked hands in her lap, pressed against her stomach.
"So…it's safe to assume this arrangement of ours means being exclusive?" she ventured lightly.
"Yes."
"For both of us?"
"Do you have a need to be a free agent, Rachel?" she shot testily.
"I was referring to you."
"I broke up with Sam, didn't I?"
"And there won't be anyone else?"
"Who else would there be?"
"This would be you avoiding answering the question."
She sighed exasperatedly. "Yes. It means both of us." There was a pause and Rachel could sense that she wanted to say something more. Quinn searched for her in the darkness before finding purchase on her cheek and she urged Rachel to turn to her. "I-I don't want anyone else," she said shyly, her lips brushing against Rachel's ear. Her breath was hot and sweet on her skin.
"Good," she murmured. "That's all I needed to know."
With that, she disentangled herself and stood up, attempting to rectify her disheveled appearance by smoothing down her hair and clothes.
"Wait, you didn't answer the question!"
"Sure I did."
"Wh- Get back here!"
Rachel just giggled and opened the door, flooding the janitor's closet with light momentarily before shutting it again, leaving Quinn to count to five hundred before feeling safe enough to go too.
She hadn't expected it, but was over the moon to get a text from Quinn saying they should use their prizes tonight after she finished Cheerios practice. Rachel quickly agreed and suddenly there were plans set for Quinn to pick her up at her house so they could go out to dinner together. She spent the rest of the day skipping, dancing, and singing under her breath, until Kurt elbowed her to stop making a fool of herself (and annoying him). That only curbed her impulses until she got home and she danced around her room, singing at the top of her lungs as she got ready for the evening. Rachel was riding on a high and nothing was going to bring her down.
Quinn was still in her Cheerios uniform when she picked her up, but she was pleased to note the reaction to her outfit for the night. Rachel had caught on rather quickly to the blonde's penchant for her barelegged in mini-skirts. Quinn didn't say much other than "hey," but Rachel giggled when she caught her glancing sideways several times throughout the car ride.
It was perfect.
"So I thought dates weren't allowed," the brunette said, eyeing her menu inconspicuously as they sat in their booth and Quinn looked at her warily.
"That's not what this is," she said warningly, pulling out the coupons they won. "See? No one's paying. Not a date."
Whoa. Déjà vu.
"Just two friends…sharing a meal…in public."
"Right."
"Does that mean we can't play footsie?"
Quinn looked around in a panic. "Can you not?"
Rachel smirked. "I'm simply trying to ascertain how the rules work. You don't seem to mind it being known that we're friends, so I assume if it's acceptable for friends, we're allowed to partake in it, yes? What friends do, we can do?"
"If you want…" she mumbled, not comfortable with where this was going.
"So we could go to the movies, go shopping, bowling, go to dinner together? Just as long as I keep my hands to myself?" she grinned mischievously. "A friend, not a girlfriend."
"Yeah…sometimes, I guess."
"Even though that's what I am?"
"What?"
"Am I your girlfriend?"
"Would you stop? Shut up!" she hissed. "Not here!"
"Just nod yes or no."
Quinn nodded almost imperceptibly, praying that she would stop now. All it took was one wrong person in the right place at the wrong time and it was all over. Rachel didn't understand that and Quinn wasn't about to make her understand. There were things about her life better left unsaid.
Rachel, however, seemed extremely pleased with herself and the waitress came over to take their order. Quinn frowned at Rachel ordering only a small salad.
"You're not hungry?" she asked as the woman walked away.
Rachel shrugged noncommittally. "They don't offer very much here that's vegan friendly."
"You don't like coming here, do you?" she said in sudden realization.
"It's fine," she waved her off, "I'm just happy being with you."
"We could go somewhere else."
"Then we wouldn't be able to use the coupons. Defeats the purpose, don't you think? This is our celebratory meal!"
"I'll give them to Santana," she argued. "Let's just go."
This wasn't a date in any sense of the word, but that didn't mean it couldn't be somewhere Rachel could actually have food she would enjoy.
"I'm perfectly all right here, Quinn." She smiled. "But thank you for your thoughtfulness. Besides, if we went anywhere else, it would be more like a date."
"What?" Her brow furrowed. "Why?"
"Because you'd want to pay and by your reasoning, that qualifies as a date criterion."
"Stop talking about this!" she hissed, feeling at the end of her rope.
Her nerves were already frayed as it was with having to perform that duet this afternoon, then her momentary loss of sanity in a jealous rage over seeing Rachel and Finn. Now she was out in public engaging in something that could very well be a dangerous situation for them if they didn't play it right and Rachel seemed determined to send her over the edge with constant innuendos and harping on sensitive subject matters that were hard enough to deal with when they were alone. And she chose to do it in one of Lima's most popular restaurants!
While it was actually slow at the moment, seeing as it was a weeknight and they actually didn't have anyone sitting close to them, it was still a very public, very exposed, very potentially volatile situation, and the girl didn't seem to get that in the slightest!
It was like any minute now she was going to jump up on the table and start shouting about how they were together and giving a play by play of their earlier closet session. Rather, considering it was Rachel, she'd start belting out some blatantly Sapphic love ballad and dedicate it to her lesbian lover, Quinn Fabray, Captain of the Cheerios, and then add in her phone number, home address, and social security number just to be absolutely sure everyone knew who she was.
Alright, so that was an overreaction, but she was at her wits end. Why couldn't Rachel just leave it be and talk about something not so frenetically charged and doom-worthy? The weather? They could talk about the weather! Glee club? Regionals? Hell, at this point she'd gladly take an hour long rambling about the infallible talent of Barbra Streisand!
"Come on, just admit it, you'd at least feel the need to. You even picked me up tonight. Who knew you had such chivalrous intentions?"
"It was because your Dad had the car!" she cried. "What is your point here?"
"No point."
"So you're just being difficult for the hell of it?"
"No one ever said I was easy."
"No, they definitely don't say that," she huffed.
"So if it isn't a date, do I still get to kiss you goodnight?"
Dread flooded her body. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to hide. She was certain she went cross-eyed for a moment there.
"Are you stupid?" she shouted angrily, looking around at who could have been close enough to overhear. "I told you to shut up! God, Rachel! If you're just going to treat it as a joke, then this can't happen. I told you how it was going to work and you agreed! You know what, forget it, we're done here."
"No, no! Quinn! Wait, just sit down!" she implored, tugging on her arm and then quickly releasing her at the frightened look at their physical contact on the blonde's face. "I'm sorry, okay? I am. I didn't mean to upset you, I was only teasing."
Quinn looked around at the sparsely populated restaurant, seeing the eyes on her. Now she was the one causing a scene. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid tonight. It was all going so terribly wrong… Rachel looked so upset. Big brown eyes stared up at her, desperately pleading for her to stay, not to leave her. Well, how could she just leave her? She couldn't.
Quinn sat down again reluctantly and leaned forward to speak barely above a whisper. "You can't talk about stuff like that around people." Her voice cracked fearfully. "Someone will hear. That was the deal, Rachel. If you can't handle it, then-"
"I can! I promise. I'm sorry," she said again. "Please. Don't let me spoil our night. We're celebrating. I just…I'm kind of amazed by all of this. I'm more than content with our current arrangement. I'm really very happy, Quinn."
"You are?" she remarked with genuine surprise. "I thought…I thought it would bother you…having to…"
"It's mostly because I never thought I'd get even this much. I suppose I got a little too excited. We've gone from you terrorizing me on a daily basis with slushies, derogatory nicknames, and hurtful comments, to spending a pleasant evening out to dinner together, after having just performed a wonderful duet in Glee, and I'm sure I'm promised a certain something at the end of the night."
"Can we leave this discussion for a place that isn't completely public?" she said through gritted teeth.
Could her nerves take anymore of this? A person was never meant to exist so continuously and relentlessly on edge, with fear, to fret over every turn. The stress of it all had her trembling with weariness. Quinn felt a sudden wave of exhaustion. All she wanted was to put her head down on the table and sleep right now. Maybe burrow down somewhere far, far away, and take Rachel with her.
"Of course," she said tenderly. "Again, I am sorry I made you feel uncomfortable."
"It's okay. We just have to be careful."
She nodded dutifully.
"And…you're definitely promised something at the end of the night," she muttered.
Rachel glowed with happiness, ducking her head down to fiddle with the silverware, but couldn't hide the enormous grin on her face. It made Quinn feel a little better despite everything.
The night still didn't go too well.
It actually bothered her a great deal what Rachel said, about being content with them, about thinking she'd never even get that much.
It bothered her so much she didn't really talk for the rest of dinner or on the ride home. Rachel didn't try to question her about it, just looked increasingly dejected as the night wore on.
Quinn should have been happy to hear it. She should have experienced relief to know that Rachel wasn't feeling bad about the secrecy. Instead, she felt worse. Rachel shouldn't have to settle for this. She deserved more than just being the secret behind closed doors. It made her want to cry to think that this girl, this beautiful, incredible, talented girl, thought so low of herself that she wasn't even bothered by being a dirty secret. She should be bothered! She should refuse! She should have told Quinn to go to hell!
Yet, she couldn't help but be ever thankful that she didn't. Because she couldn't give Rachel anything else. It was the only way for her. Did the brunette truly understand that? Is that why she was okay with it? Or was it because she was just...settling for content?
In the last hour, Quinn had really started to hate that word. It was repeating in her head far too much.
"I'm so sorry that I ruined our night," Rachel's quiet voice broke into her self-induced fog of doubt.
She blinked, realizing that she had parked already in front of the Berry house. It was dark in the neighborhood. They didn't have streetlights. Added to the charm? Quinn barely even remembered leaving the restaurant.
"You didn't."
"I was foolish to act the way I did. I upset you. I should have known better than to behave like that."
"Rachel…" she started uneasily, "if this ever makes you unhappy, us I mean, promise you'll tell me? That you'll end it? I don't want you to be just be content. I want you to be happy. You deserve that. I don't want to hold you down. I can't be the person to do that to you. I did it for so many years. I don't want to be-"
Rachel unbuckled her seatbelt and was across the divide on her lips in a matter of seconds.
She kissed her deeply, thoroughly. There was no urgency in this. It was as if they had eternity at their disposal. She sucked in her bottom lip, then the top, before her tongue licked out teasingly, playing as though it was seeking approval for entry when it knew it already had it. Quinn moaned softly at the taste of her, she could never get enough of that. Their lips came together again and again, fitting in just a way that was so right, like they were made to do just this, only this, only with each other. Blood coursed through her veins, her temperature rose, heady with the sheer bliss that always was kissing Rachel Berry.
Like all good things, it came to an end, and Quinn's heart broke ever so slightly as it always did whenever they stopped.
"That's what was bothering you tonight?" Rachel whispered heavily against her face.
She nodded, unable to do anything else.
"Well, you're stupid."
"Excuse me?"
"You ruined what could have been a perfectly lovely evening with all this brooding. I'm rather annoyed with you right now."
Quinn's mouth opened and closed several times, utterly at a loss.
"Do I wish you felt safe and confident enough about who you are to proclaim it to the world? Of course I do. But I don't begrudge you for it, Quinn. I can only imagine what difficulties you're experiencing. I know very little of your upbringing, but from what I do know… It's okay. You have to believe me when I tell you that. Because I am happy. I get to have you to myself. I get to kiss you and tell you things and sing with you and play games with you and laugh with you. I don't care if it's behind closed doors or on a stage for all the world to see, as long as I get you."
"You're not always going to feel that way," she protested miserably. "You'll want more."
"Sure I will…someday. But we can cross that bridge when we get to it. For right now…this is where we are and this is how it is."
"Rach," she croaked, "I can't ever-"
"We'll cross it when we get to it," she said firmly, not letting her finish the rest of that sentence.
They both knew what she was going to say.
"But-"
"Are you really going to spend the rest of the night arguing with me? Because I must warn you, I am fully prepared to camp out here if necessary. I have excellent stamina due to my healthful lifestyle and years of strategic training for the fast paced, grueling schedule a Broadway star must endure while performing with high energy on the stage night after night."
Quinn huffed in exasperation, but her lips curled upwards into a tiny smile nonetheless.
"Excellent stamina?" She quirked an eyebrow. "Guess we'll be putting that to the test someday…"
Rachel promptly blushed.
"Okay," she sighed, giving in. It's not like she was in any position to be arguing right now anyway. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch tonight."
"You weren't a bitch. I've dealt with that side of you more than I care to admit. I know it well. You were just moody tonight, not a bitch."
"Then I'm sorry for being moody!" Quinn retorted a bit testily, eyes flaring.
Was she going to pick everything apart?
"Oh, well, now you're getting a little bitchy."
She had to laugh at that. It was getting a little easier to breathe now. She rested her head against the seat.
"Alright…so I do have one more thing I need to get off my chest about what you said earlier tonight."
"Yes?" Rachel shifted, trying to be as attentive and compassionate as possible.
"Do you think I'm the guy in this relationship?"
She stared at her for a moment, brow furrowed. "I beg your pardon?"
"Do you?" Quinn pressed. "I don't know how these kinds of relationships work! You made fun of me for picking you up tonight. And not that it's any of your business, but if we were to go on dates, which we're not, I would want to pay for you. I don't know why! It's weird! Does that mean I'm the guy?"
Rachel collapsed in a giggling fit, curling up in the passenger seat as she clutched her belly.
Quinn was hardly amused. It really wasn't that funny.
"Rachel!"
"I'm sorry, Quinn!" she gasped. "It's just…of all the things I thought you might say…"
"Stop laughing!"
"Alright, alright." She took some deep breaths and attempted to compose herself. "I'm going to be serious now."
That didn't work because the minute she looked at Quinn again, the giggles started all over.
"For God's sake!"
"Quinn, surely you understand the absurdity of your question?"
"No! I don't know. It's not like I've ever dated a girl before. With boys, I always knew how everything was going to go. I knew what they were supposed to do, how they were supposed to treat me, who was going to pay, where the lines were drawn. I don't know any of that now!"
"Aw, sweetie."
She ignored the skip of her heart to hear Rachel use a term of endearment with her.
"I swear if you're going to be condescending, I will drop kick you out of this car."
"Threats don't work on me, Quinn. Have you not discovered that yet? Now, since you seem to need an answer: no. I do not think you are the male equivalent in this relationship. There is no male equivalent, seeing as how we are both female. However, that being said, you do enjoy having the control, Quinn. So perhaps that is what you're mistaking as some sort of masculine alternative."
"You think I'm controlling?"
"No," she said pointedly, "I said you enjoy having the control, not that you're controlling - two very different things. You like being in charge, Quinn. You feel better knowing that the decisions lie in your hands. You are Captain of the Cheerios after all. You thrive that way. It's understandable considering how out of control you must feel in other parts of your life. Why not attempt to hold on to what you can? While I have issues with being actually controlling myself, it is rather freeing, if not terrifying at times to relinquish the reins to you. Case in point, our fabulous duet this afternoon! It doesn't mean you're the guy, just that you tend to be the aggressor in certain matters because that's what makes you the most comfortable right now."
"I'm too aggressive with you?"
"You're not getting it," she shook her head with a laugh. "No, everything's fine, Quinn. You're not the guy. I'm not the girl. We're just…us. Besides, wanting to take me out to dinner and pay for it has nothing to do with being masculine or feminine. It simply means that you want to do something nice for me. And that's..." she took a deep breath, smiling, "wonderful. I bought you a rose, didn't I? Is that not typically ascribed to the male's role in heterosexual relationships? To give flowers? Yet you're not calling me the guy."
"I didn't even think about it like that…"
"Exactly. Stop worrying so much. You're going to give yourself wrinkles and you are far too young for lines."
She took a deep breath, feeling the last bits of heaviness that had plagued her this evening vanishing into the dark. Rachel was surprisingly good at making her feel better about these things. How did she do that?
"I'm also too pretty for wrinkles," she pointed out.
"Much too pretty," Rachel agreed with a completely straight face then bit her bottom lip flirtatiously. "Can I have my promised something now?"
"We already had a goodnight kiss."
"No we didn't!" she protested. "That was a 'you're-being-stupid-let-me-show-you-how-much' kiss. A goodnight kiss is different."
"I don't see a difference," she said casually. "It was a kiss at the end of the night, therefore a goodnight kiss."
"Is this your way of saying that you don't want to kiss me?"
"Well, we just did," she reasoned. "Do we have to again?"
Rachel looked absolutely crestfallen and it took everything Quinn had not to break the façade right then and there.
"No, we don't have to," her voice trembled, "but there's absolutely no limit on the number of kisses allowed at the end of the night."
"You're the one being such a stickler about the goodnight kiss rule."
"You're being ridiculous!" she huffed, folding her arms across her chest.
"And I have you this close to begging me to kiss you," Quinn smirked, holding up her thumb and forefinger to show her just how.
Maybe she really should look into this desire she had for making Rachel crazy…it couldn't be healthy.
The brunette glowered at her, obviously not finding any amusement in this game. "It's not nice to toy with people's feelings."
"It's called teasing."
"It's mean is what it is."
Quinn snorted. "Just let me kiss you already."
"No. I'm upset now. I don't very much feel like it anymore."
"Seriously?"
She didn't say anything.
"Rachel?"
"I should get going," she said flatly and reached for the door handle. "See you tomorrow."
"Rach!" she exclaimed, worried she had taken it too far. "I-I was just joking! Please?"
The brunette suddenly turned around and settled back into the seat with a victorious grin on her face.
"See? Told you it was mean."
Quinn's eyes narrowed. "You were messing with me?"
"You deserved it," she sang unapologetically.
"You're a pain."
"And you have yet to kiss me."
"So demanding!" she mocked.
"How else do you get what you want?"
"You could say 'please'?" Quinn suggested.
She rolled her eyes. "When have you ever used the word 'please'?"
"We're not talking about me!"
"GET WITH THE KISSING ALREADY, FABRAY!"
"IF YOU SHUT UP LONG ENOUGH, I WILL, BERRY!"
They attacked each other in a flurry of lips, teeth, and tongue, giggling throughout. She practically climbed over the divider just to share the seat with Rachel. They were lucky the Berry's lived on a street that only had a slight incline because Quinn knocked the gearshift into neutral and the car started rolling back ever so slowly. They almost passed the Berry house entirely before one of them noticed or maybe they both noticed at the time, because they screamed in a panic before Quinn slammed safely it back into park.
It took them ages to stop laughing.
"That still wasn't a goodnight kiss," Rachel said when they finally calmed down again.
"You know how you said you were controlling before?" she reminded her, tongue-in-cheek.
"Yes, yes," she rolled her eyes, "it's a work in progress. No one's perfect."
"I'm definitely not," she said with an odd note of forlornness that contrasted with the exuberant spirit of only seconds ago.
"Quinn?" Rachel questioned softly.
She shook her head, looking forward through the windshield at the darkened street.
"I don't want to do it."
"Don't want to do what?"
"Kiss you goodnight."
"Why?"
She still couldn't look at her. Her voice caught in her throat. "I don't want to go."
Quinn couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to happen, that something would go wrong, that tonight was going to be their last night like this. She never wanted to let it go. She wanted Rachel to stay with her in that car forever, just so it wouldn't end.
"It's only 'til tomorrow," she reassured her.
"I still don't want to."
It was stupid, unreasonable, and entirely illogical, but there was still that foreboding feeling sitting heavily in the pit of her stomach…taunting her, warning her. Was it just her fear that good things never lasted that got the best of her? Or was there something more to it? Maybe Rachel's claimed psychic powers were rubbing off on her. She shook her head at the absurdity of that. Her girlfriend was intuitive at times, but hardly psychic, not that she would ever try to argue with her on that point. Pick your battles and all.
Jeez…did she just refer to Rachel as her girlfriend?
Her head was swimming.
"Y-you could…sneak in for another sleepover?" Rachel offered unsurely. "Would you want that?"
Quinn didn't care if she was joking or not. "Yes."
"Oh," she said breathlessly, "then…"
"But I can't. My mom's expecting me home. It's a school night."
"Right, of course." She nodded jerkily, looking disappointed.
With a deep breath, Quinn resigned herself to what she had to do and gave Rachel exactly what she wanted, a perfectly sweet, loving good night kiss. The brunette sighed happily and licked her lips. She closed her eyes at the sight of that tongue on those perfect, full lips.
"Good night, Rachel," she whispered.
"Good night, Quinn."
"Thank you for singing with me today."
"Thank you for the song."
"Maybe" by Kelly Clarkson