AN: This chapter contains triggers. Reader discretion is advised.

Chapter 10

The air is like ice, and the ground is hard and uncomfortable. I open my eyes to see the sky is a shade of grey I love: not dark, but not too light. It means the sun is just starting to rise, but everything else on earth is still asleep.

I used to love this time of day when I was young. I would sometimes get up early just to see the color of the sky, if only for a minute, before I went back to bed. I think I like this color so much because it reminds me of my father's eyes (eyes that I inherited, but look much better on him), their smoky grey shade giving me comfort. This color always gave me comfort and made me feel safe and loved throughout my life.

Too bad it can't do that today.

I don't know how long I slept; it only felt like an hour at the most. All I remember is running into the woods and falling asleep under the tree I am now looking up at. I can see the morning light softly peeking through the leaves, casting faint shadows on the ground.

I didn't dream and I didn't have any nightmares. I think this was my mind telling me it's okay; it's okay to finally let go of everything and just exist for the next few hours before I carry out what I decided to do last night.

It has been in the back of my mind since the night of the attack, never completely going away. Always there, as kind of a last-ditch effort. But because of recent events, it has become my number one priority.

Well, no time like the present.

I stand up slowly, my legs wobbling a bit. I stretch my back, and it cracks loudly from sleeping on the forest floor. I start to trudge quietly out of the wooded area, taking my time to admire the beauty of the trees around me. I want to take in every detail and commit them to memory, so I won't feel so alone in the hours to come.

I make my way to the edge of the woods, looking up and down the highway for any sign of life. I don't see a single soul for miles, the gas station across the street completely empty and closed down.

Everyone is probably still in bed, warm and bundled under the covers, waiting for the new day to start.

I cross the highway and walk through the parking lot of the gas station, and enter the woods again from that side. I know exactly where I'm going; I have my dad to thank for that. He's been taking me on hikes through these canyons since I could walk, and taught me everything I need to know about wilderness survival.

It would be quicker to get to my destination if I walked through town, but I don't think that's a good idea considering people are probably there looking for me. None of my friends know these woods like I do, so it's unlikely they would think to check for me here.

I make my way deep into the woods, keeping an eye on the ground for a specific object I'm looking for. I'm about thirty minutes into my walk when I finally find it, and pick it up to examine it before I tuck it into the pocket of my sweatshirt.

Finally, something goes right.

There is no wind in the air, but the temperature outside has to be only a couple degrees above freezing. I can feel my nose turning to ice, and my cheeks are red from exertion but frozen at the same time. I concentrate on the puffs of air coming from my mouth, the air so cold it makes it look like I'm smoking a cigarette.

I'm plodding along when I hear something off to my right side. I freeze, thinking it might be a wolf or a bear, both of which are common in this area. I turn to look, slowing my movements as to not frighten whatever is there.

When I lift my head I see a beautiful deer, munching on some of the shrubs on the ground. She looks a little thin, probably from almost all her food being frozen. I look closer and see she has a little fawn with her, the baby deer a little pudgy and positively cute.

They are both trying to eat the frozen shrubs when the baby makes a complaining sound, and the mother snorts back at her.

Pretty much any mother-child relationship I laugh to myself. The action makes me chuckle softly, but when I do the mother deer hears me. She lifts her head up in alert, staring straight at me, trying to decide if I'm a threat. They're about twenty feet away, but I can feel the tension coming off of her. The baby lifts his head as well, looking at me, although not as alarmed as it's mother.

I see a rather fresh-looking shrub off to my left, and very slowly start to walk over to it, keeping my eyes on the deer. Once I'm there, I bend down and pull some of the weeds away from the ground, and turn back towards the pair. Even slower I hold out the plants, walking as quietly as I can towards them. Normally you're advised to stay away from deer, but at this point I figure I have nothing left to lose. The mother's gaze is so intensely trained on me, her black eyes sizing me up.

She lets me get closer and closer, eventually within a few feet of her and her baby. I squat down, and hold out the shrubs to them as a peace offering. I sit there for a few minutes, the mother deer never taking here eyes off of me. My legs are starting to hurt from squatting, and I'm just about to give up when the baby takes a tentative step towards me. I'm as still as I can be as she gets closer and closer.

When she's right in front of me, she stretches out her neck and takes the end of the shrubs into her mouth. I hold my breath so I don't scare her, and let her nibble on them. She begins eating them out of my hand, completely trusting me even though I've given her no reason to.

I hope she grows up not to be this trustful of people in the future I think.

Trusting the wrong people can ruin your life.

She finishes the meal out of my hands and slowly turns back towards her mother. We stare at each other for a few more minutes before I decide to move on to do what I came into the woods to do.

I stand slowly and turn my back to them. I walk in the opposite direction for a good amount of time before I stop and look over my shoulder.

Both the deer are gone, and I don't see any trace of them.

Maybe that was all in my head? I ask myself.

No, it felt too real. I have to have hope that it was real.

I continue my journey for about another forty-five minutes before I finally reach my destination. The air is even more bitingly cold out here, and when I see the small lake ahead of me I have as much relief as the situation can give me.

My father used to take Prim and I to this lake when we were just learning to swim. He took us here instead of the beach because the ocean's waves are rough and can make swimming difficult, but this lake is always so calm and clear, it was the perfect place. We would come out here and bring picnics, jumping into the deep end and sunning ourselves on the hot rocks. Some of my best memories have been made here, so I only thought it fitting they would leave here with me.

I walk up to the shore of the lake and see that about six feet in around the entire shore the lake is already frozen over with ice. Its not very thick right now, but as time goes on and the colder the weather gets the more it will freeze, until it's one solid block of ice.

I look across the lake to the other side, and to my relief the water under the big boulders we used as diving boards is not frozen yet. The water is grey, reflecting off the sky, but clear as always.

On a sunny day, this water is a brilliant shade of blue, kind of like Peeta's eyes.

Peeta.

The though of his eyes makes me realize I never said goodbye to anyone, or even left a note.

Not that I had the time I think as I walk around to the boulders on the opposite side of the lake.

They'll probably never find me. Maybe they'll think I ran away or got eaten by a large animal or something.

It's really for the best; I hope they don't find me. No one needs to see that.

I think about my family, and how much I'm going to miss them. No matter what has happened in my life, they have always been there for me, ready to help. They just couldn't help this time.

It's not even their fault they couldn't help. I've been a lost cause since that night, a ticking time bomb.

This end was inevitable.

I think about my mother and father, how supportive they've always been of me and how they've shaped the person I am today.

I'm sorry mom, I say to myself.

I'm sorry I let this go so far. But please know that I love you. I love you and dad so much, and please know that none of this was your fault.

I think of Prim. Sweet, innocent Prim who has her whole life ahead of her.

Please take care of her I pray. Please let her go on to go to school, become the nurse she wants to be, find someone who loves her, get married and have babies. Please help her move on from this to become the person I know she can be.

I can feel the tears starting to roll down my cheeks, but they're not violent, for once, just very calming.

I think of my friends. Friends I've had since the beginning of time, who have been there to make me laugh and make me feel wanted.

Gale, Madge, Finnick, Annie, Delly, Johanna, and even Thom.

They're going to move on and become amazing people; the types of people who can grow up to change the world.

I really hope I get to see them again one day.

The tears are still rolling down my cheeks when I reach into my pocket and pull out the object I found on my walk. I look at it, talking in the razor sharp edges and the smooth texture of the rock.

I look down at the water again, and notice it is getting lighter and bluer as the morning wears on and the grey in the sky is replaced by blue.

I think back to Peeta, his blue eyes always so kind, even as a child. I think about his blonde hair, a little shaggy but short enough to not be in his eyes. I think about all his facial features, which make him look so handsome. I grin when I think about his laugh, and the way his small dimples pop out when he smiles. I think about his soothing voice, and how just last night I finally felt comfortable with someone I barely knew.

I wish I could have gotten to know him better. I feel like he would have been someone I could get along with for the rest of my life. Now I'll never know if that would have happened.

I'm sorry, Peeta. I'm so sorry.

Slowly, I begin to remove my clothes: first my sweatshirt, and then the t-shirt underneath it. As soon as they come off, the icy air makes all my hairs stand up, my skin crawling with goose bumps. I take my jeans off, my teeth starting to chatter from the cold. I leave on my bra and underwear, thinking that in case someone does find me, at least I won't be naked.

I sit down on, the rock instantly numbing my butt, and dangle my legs out over the deep water. I lay my left arm, palm side up against my thigh and pick up my sharp rock.

Slowly, I bring the rock down to my wrist and push lightly, dragging it against my skin vertically. It hurts really badly, but the pain feels good. It feels my body is purging itself of an illness. I stop and examine my arm. Blood starts slowly seeping out of the cut, and a minute later I am bleeding heavily.

I look at it, satisfied, and do it again, starting another line on the same arm next to the original. I continue my work, thinking about everything leading up to this moment.

The night with Cato, the night I could have prevented

The sleeping.

The starving.

Hating myself because of what happened.

Feeling like my parents were disappointed in me.

Having to tell Johanna and Finnick what happened.

Feeling helpless, like I would never get my life back.

Last night.

The bonfire.

Talking to Peeta.

Clove telling everyone what happened and how it was my fault.

Everyone going quiet and staring at me- blaming me for what happened.

Falling asleep, thinking that it would just be better if Katniss Everdeen didn't exist anymore.

That everyone would benefit if I was just gone for good.

I look down and see the streaks across both my arms and thighs, the deep red of my blood a stark contrast to my now pale skin tone. Satisfied, I throw the rock into the water below me, watching as it sinks to the bottom.

I stand up on shaky legs and hang my toes over the edge of the rock. I let my arms fall to my side as I close my eyes, breathing deeply.

In the last moments, the faces of everyone I ever cared about flash through my mind, like snapshots of my old life.

This is right I tell myself.

This is what needs to happen, for everyone's sake.

No more fighting. No more crying. No more worrying. No more nightmares.

Peace at last.

With this last thought I jump out as far as I can, sailing feet-first through the air, plunging down into the lake.

The second the water hits my skin, it feels like a million knives stabbing me all over my body. The temperature knocks the wind out of my lungs; my new cuts burning like they're on fire.

And it all feels good.

I resurface, my hair already forming ice in it, as my teeth are full on shaking. I take a few deep breaths and force my body to move, making it so I'm floating on my back with my arms out to the side.

Once I'm laying belly up in the water, my mind starts to shut off. It shuts out the cold, the pain, and the anger. I focus my gaze on the leaves of the giant trees above me. I can see the sun finally peeking through, making the sky be half light blue, half light shades of pink, yellow and orange.

It reminds me of the colors of a sunset.

I've stopped shivering. My body has grown completely numb, and I can't feel my limbs.

The only thing I can feel is my heart beating against my chest, getting slower and slower until the beats are few and far between. I can feel the blackness creeping into my vision, but this time I welcome it with open arms.

Everything starts going blurry, and just before I close my eyes for the last time, I see two birds fly across the sky over the lake.

I think it is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, because that's how I feel in this moment.

I feel like one of those birds.

I finally feel free.

Ahhh this chapter was really hard to write, mostly because I wanted it to be sad but understandable at the same time. I hope you guys like it, please review! They literally make my day! :)