Alternate Earth: Season Two

by A. Nonymous III esq

After the grand finale of the first season, Rachel and Laura return back home, but with little expectance the entire crew would be here. As difficult as it was living in the FF7 world, can the Cloud, Tifa, and the rest survive normal living to us,that is?

10. Chapter 9: High School Girls

Chapter 9: High School Girls

A/N: Funny, I get a bad feeling just from the title of this chapter. Oh well. You know what? Final Fantasy 7 is owned by Squaresoft, and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Betcha didn't see that one coming. Hah. Ah. . . ha. . .ick.

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"You know, I don't see why I have to honestly do this," said Yuffie, walking into Rachel's school counselor's office. "I do NOT have to go to school! I never have, and I never will! Honestly, WHEN will I use algebra!"

"If you're a mechanical or chemical engin-

"In a job that I will be likely to HAVE," Yuffie implied to Rachel.

Rachel blinked. "Oh. Heheh. Yeah, good point. It's kind of like a way to shave off time in purgatory here on Earth."

"Oh, how religious for a Catholic school. Just, I'm not a Catholic," Yuffie, said, with as much resistance as possible.

"Don't need to be," Laura shrugged. "There are lots of different people here."

Yuffie clasped her hands together and tilted her head downward.

"Uh, Yuffie?" Rachel asked.

"Shhh. . .," whispered Yuffie. "I'm praying to the god of kick-ass to smite you and let me go."

"You'll be FIIIINE!" said Rachel cheerfully, shoving her in the office. "GO AND WORK YOUR NINJA MAGIC!"

"NOOOOO!" Yuffie complained, squirming. "AHHHH!" She toppled, as gracefully as a ninja can, into a wastebasket.

"Uh, heyhi there, but I can assure you, I don't live in a trashcan," said a woman's voice.

"AHH!" shouted Yuffie. "BLINDFOLDED BEFORE THE ENEMY!"

The wastebasket was gently lifted off her head, with a few scraps of wadded paper tumbling out. "Enemy? I don't bite," said the woman, in a casual blue shirt and khakis, with small, round glasses. "Now, your name is. . .err. . ." She didn't know how to pronounce it. "Yuhffy?"

Yuffie grumbled. "Yuffie. Yooooo-feeeeee," she pronounced, exaggerating.

"Oookaaaay, Yoooo-feee. . .," said the woman, "tell me, why do you think you should come to this high school?"

"Because, I'm being forced against my will to rely on intelligence instead of instinct by mad, cultists expecting me to believe in only one god," Yuffie mumbled, exasperated.

"Excuse me?"

"Eeheheheheh. Because, um. . .I'm someone who likes to, er. . . 'attain great things with my own hands'," she said.

"Oh, a regular achiever, huh?" said the counselor. She nodded positively, "Good, good, it's always great to have motivation. So, how would your friends describe you?" said the counselor, writing a few things on her notepad.

Yuffie tapped the floor nervously with her toes. "My friends, eh? The ones I stole from, or the ones I'm plotting to?"

"Huh?" asked the counselor, confused.

"U-um. . .They'd say I'm. . .unpredictable with a great laugh?" Yuffie guessed. "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. . ."

"Okay. . .," nodded the counselor again, writing a few things. "Hmm, it's kind of rare we get so many students coming in at different years. . .So what are you expecting to get if you come to our school?"

"Materia. Preferably red," said Yuffie.

This time, the counselor just blinked.

"Oh, I mean. . .uh, great academic credentials!" Yuffie feigned, laughing. "And lots of friends! Did I mention I very amiable?"

"Before I talk to you, maybe. . .," said the little voice in her head.

"Shut up! I HATE YOU!" Yuffie replied back to the little voice. "Stupid conscience. . ."

"I can tell," said the counselor, smiling. "What kind of hobbies do you have? Maybe some sports. . .?"

"Uh, I helped run my father's dojo. . .," said Yuffie.

"More like, ditched out on it," said her conscience. "Do you wonder how your old man can handle it? He's not so young anymore, and with that BLOOD PRESSURE. . ."

"I'LL PRESSURE YOU, IF YOU DON'T KEEP QUIET. . .," Yuffie thought back. "Oh, and um. . .I'm trained in martial arts and ninjitsu."

"Even though you never paid attention in class, ESPECIALLY rope-escape class. You know, if Cloud hadn't saved you, you'd probably be a rape victim."

"YEAH, WELL IF I DIDN'T KNOW CLOUD, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THE SITUATION, HUH! LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!" she whined. "Um, does tea ceremony and flower arrangement count?"

"Very Japanese, aren't you?" said the counselor in an encouraging voice, looking up from the clipboard, brushing some brown strands of hair from her face.

"Um, yes, Japanese. . .," replied Yuffie.

"Liar," said her conscience.

"Finally, what are some of your grades like? Any particular averages?"

"Aaahahah! A-student!" Yuffie said victoriously, with the "V- for victory!" sign.

"CoughD-averagecough!" went the voice.

"Thank you," said the counselor. "That's all. Send your essay in the mail, and you'll get the notice whether or not you've been accepted. Have a good day!"

"Eheh! You, too!" said a very nervous Yuffie on the way out of the office.

"Sooo. . .," said Rachel, happy. "How well do you think you did?"

"Terrible, you liar," Yuffie's conscience grumbled.

"SHUT UP! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" Yuffie screamed at Rachel, talking about her conscience, storming off.

". . .L-Lauraaaa. . . ," Rachel sobbed. "YUFFIE HAAATES MEEEEE. . . ."

"No. . .no. . .no. . .NOOOO. . .," said Tifa, rummaging through some newspapers over at Rachel's house, at the kitchen table.

"How's it goin'?" asked Chikara, low to the ground, head poking up next to Tifa, eyes just above the table. "Find an apartment yet?"

"Noooo. . .," said Tifa, flipping another page. "But that's because first things first. I need to get a job."

"A job?" asked Chikara, putting a multitude of little, cute figurines on the table, still only head above the table. "What do you think you'd be good at?"

"I think I'm qualified for just about anything," said Tifa. "I mean, considering I'm the one with the most sense out of all of you combined, no offense. . .What are you DOING!"

Chikara placed a chocobo plushie on the table and smiled. "Aiding your search!"

"With toys?"

"They'll put you in a better mood!" said Chikara. "Besides, aren't they CUUUUUUTE! Oh, I think I have something else to take care of. . .Yeah, my essay for school! See you later, Tifa!" Chikara stood up and ran off.

Tifa grumbled, and looked back down at the classifieds, but couldn't help notice the chocobo grinning dumbly back at her like Rachel would. ". . .What are YOU lookin' at?"

"WAHOO! I think that one's in the bag," said Cloud, walking away from the school office.

"What were you doing? There are NO women in there under thirty," said Rachel, leering at him conspicuously. "You have a thing for older women? Or in that case, just plain old women?"

"Nooooo. . . ," said Cloud, adjusting his tie, wearing a formal flannel shirt and black pants. "I just applied for a job."

". . .Teaching?" asked Rachel.

"Mmhmm. . .," said Cloud.

". . . .This doesn't have anything to do with stripper poles and lights, does it?" Rachel inquired.

Cloud blinked. ". . .Is that what you do in drama class?"

"NOOOOO!"

"Oh, because if so, I would've applied for that," said Cloud. "No, I applied to be math teacher."

"B-but. . .," said Rachel, teary eyed. "YOU CAN'T BE THE ENEMY!"

"Huh?"

"I HAAAAAAAATE MAAAAAAAAAAATH!" Rachel sobbed. "I would've loved you if you were an English teacher. . .b-but. . .but. . . NOOOOOOOOOO!" She grabbed onto Cloud's side. "AND YOU'RE SO HOT, TOO!"

Vincent came strolling from the opposite hall, some girls even trying to follow him. "Hello," he said, very formally. "I've come to apply."

"Yeah, we can see that. . .," said Rachel. ". . .But, you look like a Turk."

Vincent was standing in a black suit and tie, with a white shirt. "It's the only thing that suits me, really."

"Yeah," said Laura, giving the thumbs up. "You can see how round his ass is in that!"

The girls behind Vincent were fixated.

Vincent blushed and scowled. "H-HEY NOW, THERE CAN BE NO RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN A TEACHER AND A STUDENT, BEYOND THE RELATIONSHIP OF A TEACHER AND A STUDENT!"

"Whooda, whatta whatta?" asked Rachel, confused by that.

Mars sniffled. "Damn all-girls school. . .Hey, Con, am I old enough to teach?"

"No," Condrugon said flatly. "And if you call me 'Con' again, you'll be wearing your tongue as a necktie."

"Whatever you say, CONNIE. . .," Korus snickered. "You know, I'M old enough to teach here."

"Yeah, CONNIE. . .," said Mike, slapping him on the back. "Too bad you scare the daylights out of chicks with your face."

Condrugon was boiling. "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, ASS-FACE! YOU KNOW, I CAN ARRANGE TO FIXING THAT!" He reached around for his sword, realizing it wasn't with him. "Why did I have to disarm myself before coming?"

"Aww, because you're so sweet, Connie!" Korus said in a 'goo-goo' tone, pinching Condrugon's cheeks.

"HIIIISSSS!" Condrugon bit his hand.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Korus yelped, sobbing. "HE BIT ME! HE BIT ME! ANYONE SEE THIS! HE'S BITING ME! AW, ()(!"

The staff looked out of there offices and stared.

Condrugon let go and coughed. "It's his fault."

"Huh!" asked Korus. "N-NOOOOO!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Chikara screamed, seeing the charred cinders and black spot to where the chocobo doll was. "WHAT HAPPENED!"

"He looked at me funny," Tifa growled. "Like. . .LIKE THE IDIOT GIRL. . ."

Chikara sobbed. "BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL HIM!"

"YES! YES I DID!" Tifa protested, then had a bit of deranged look on her face. "It's, it's like. . .you can close your eyes and not see her, but you'll never get her STUPIDITY out of your head. . .," she said, covering her ears. "I had to destroy it! IT WAS JUST LIKE HER!"

"YOU OWE ME A CHOCOBOOOO!" Chikara kept sobbing. "AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER SO MUCH, JUST TELL HER THAT!"

Tifa looked back at Chikara with the most beguiled look. ". . .I've smacked her and hit her and kicked her to near death, and yet you've never noticed?"

Chikara sniffled and sprinkled the ashes. "I'll spread your ashes to the wind, Captain Boko!"

Tifa grumbled again. "I now understand how surrounded I am by these people. . ."

"Don't you people need credentials. . .?" asked Rachel, sitting around in the lobby, waiting for Vincent. "Like, when they hire you, you need paperwork. . .?"

"Dooon't worry!" said Cloud, giving a slightly reassuring, slightly dumb grin. "We have those in our endless item bags!"

Rachel was confused. "You mean. . .like when you have 99 phoenix downs, but they're all individual, but you STILL have room?"

"Yeah, kinda," said Cloud, fishing around in his pocket, then pulls out a tuft of golden-orange feathers. "Annoying how they all stick together, though. ANYWAY. . ." He started fishing around again, then neatly pulled out a picture frame.

"Eh?" asked Rachel, stunned.

"BEHOLD!" said Cloud, holding it up proudly. "MY MASTERS IN EDUCATION!"

"What were you teaching?" asked Rachel, blinkingly. "Was it really math? Or was it gym? Maybe strip dancing?"

"I wish. . .," Cloud grumbled. "But some other bastard got the job, not me."

There was an awkward silence for a minute or so.

". . . .Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight," said Rachel. "I can't believe you really PASSED something in school. I thought maybe the fumes from your hair gel did something to you."

"Ha, ha, very funny. . .," said he, sticking the frame back in his pocket. "Hmmm. . ."

"What?" Rachel asked.

"I can't find my wallet."

Rachel promptly fell over. "Owwww. . .Oh, hihi V-kun!" She waved to Vincent, who just got out of his interview.

"V-kun. . .?" he asked, puzzled. "Anyway. . .," he said, "I think we're all done, here."

"Oh, really?" said Rachel. "I think there's something left."

"Like what?"

"That." Rachel pointed to the girls of their normal group.

Vincent stood for a moment, then blinked. "What about that?"

"They're all applying for this school," said Rachel.

". . . .What?" asked Vincent.

"Yeah, they're all applying."

". . . .What?" he asked again, in disbelief.

"THEY ARE ALL APPLYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Rachel shouted.

"SHHH!" Random faculty stuck their heads out of their rooms and hissed.

"SAVE ME!" shouted Korus, from one of them. "THEY'RE MAKING ME DO SUMMER SCHOOL!"

The door slammed shut and silenced him.

The entire group stood wide-eyed. ". . .Whoa."

"There goes a brave man. . .," Mars sniffled. "Stole more panties than all of us combined. . ."

"AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. . .," Condrugon grumbled. "Can we go now?"

Konoshi wandered out of the counselor's office, and sat down next to Rachel.

"Helloooo. . .," said Rachel.

Konoshi looked like she was in a state of withdrawal.

"Huh?" Rachel asked. "Hello?"

"All. . .all-girls school?" she asked, her voice cracking. "How can this be!"

"Hey, hey, don't worry 'bout that. . .," said Rachel, waving her hands in front of Konoshi's face. "If Vincent is hired, you get to stare at him for 75-minutes every other day. Or really, you could do that any time you want because of your stalker-ish tendencies."

She sniffed. "I know. . .But. . .THE LACK OF TESTOSTERONE!"

"There'll also be CLOUD."

Konoshi sat there in silence for a moment. ". . . . . . .LACK OF TESTOSTERONE!"

Cloud sort of just rolled his eyes and scowled.

"Okay then, um. . .you're screwed?" said Rachel.

"I'm a virgin. . .," said Konoshi, then glared. "Tell nobody that."

Mars did a characteristic shuffling over. "Ahem. . .I can fix that."

Konoshi then leered up. "LACK OF TESTOSTERONE!"

It was Mars' turn to roll his eyes and scowl. "Well. . .you wouldn't say that if you saw it yourself."

Rachel was very wide-eyed. "CAN I SEE!"

Vincent and Cloud looked incredulously at her. "What!"

"Sorry," said Rachel, sniffling. "Sex Ed class was the only class I managed to stay awake in. Call it something like a second nature to be curious about. Hey, I AM a teenage virgin, ya' know."

Mars shuffled over again. ". . . . I can fix that."

CLUNK!

"No you don't. . ." said Mike, pulling Mars' unconscious carcass away with Condrugon. "Seducing the virgins is MY job."

"And, I get them after you," said Condrugon.

". . ." Again, Rachel was silent. ". . . .Hey, Steve. Want sex?" she asked.

"E-eh!" asked Steve. "W-why!"

"Ahahahahaha. . .You turn RED!" Rachel laughed. "Yeah, you can go now, I wouldn't have sex with you." Then Rachel got depressed again. "BUT NOBODY WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME!"

"Hellooooooooooooo. . . ," said Kiro, snuggling up to her out of nowhere.

"Oh, I forgot something. . .," Rachel sighed. "Kiro's applying, too."

"Great," said Konoshi. "No girl is safe."

"Hey, no male teacher, either," said Kiro. ". . .As long as they're not OLD. Ewwwwww. . ."

By the time everyone got home, it was 5 o'clock, and Tifa was sobbing into the classifieds.

"WHYYYYYYYYY!" she cried. "WHYYYY!"

"Why what?" asked Sky. "Oh, I know! She has newspaper ink all over her face!"

Everyone nodded.

". . . .WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Tifa shouted all over again. "I need a job."

"THEN. . .," said Cloud, "you should've COME with us!"

Rachel laughed nervously. "Cloud, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to re-institute corporal punishment in the school systems."

"But, I don't want to be a teacher. . .," said Tifa. "And after that, I need an apartment, too. I think it was much easier when I had my HOUSE, which paid off the MORTGAGE, and the TOWN where we could all live with EASE. . ."

"Hey, it's not my fault we all got sucked into another dimension where taxes are high, morality is low, and not only is the president stupid, but certainly NOT hot like Rufus," sighed Rachel.

"Vote Rufus in '08," he said, sitting down at the table. "I think I'll uphold the goal of high standards in education. . .Remember children! Stay and school! Knowledge is power! Power corrupts! Be evil, like Rufus!"

"Yaaaay! I'll vote for you, Ruffy!" shouted Keily, grabbing onto his coat again.

"Ew. I have cooties," Rufus grumbled.

"That's not nice. . ."

"You know, it's awfully nice of Kiako to make these fake records for us. . .," said Christina, on the couch, playing with her supposed, "medical information", "DOB papers", and "social security". ". . .Won't we eventually need real ones?"

"We don't have time for that. . .," Tifa sighed. "We need to establish lives that never existed in this world JUST to live here. . ."

The front door opened and shut.

It was Rachel's brother, who saw the massive crowd around the table. ". . .I need to get used to this," he blinked. "I'll go now." He trudged up the stairs, heavily.

". . .I forget that Rachel's family lives here," said Tifa. "I must be used to my own house. DO YOU HERE ME, RACHEL! MY HOUSE! MINE!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUULT!"

After another uncomfortable night in a packed house. . .

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" shouted Rachel, trying to slide past people in the bathroom. "THIS HOUSE HAS THREE BATHROOMS! WHY IS EVERYONE IN MINE!"

"Beshus ish conveenent," said Kiako, brushing her teeth, then spitting. "Very convenient you have spare toothbrushes in the cabinet."

"Although. . .," said Christina, sticking her head out of the shower. "It's very morally degrading to have to SHARE a shower. . ."

"Not really," said Mike, sticking out his head, too.

"That's because you're ENJOYING it. . .," she sighed. "Turn around, I'll scrub your back."

"Share showers are FUN," he said, then stuck his head back inside.

"Wow. That's one thing I don't like waking up to," said Rachel, groggy.

Mars walked past in his boxers.

". . .And THERE'S the second," said Rachel.

"Hey, you know you want me!" said Mars.

"Riiiight. . .I'm just trying to get my uniform on! MOOOOVE!" She plowed everyone out.

"AAAAAACK!" screamed Christina, scrambling to find a towel. "TOWEL! NAKEDNESS! INDECENCY!"

"HOT," said Korus, with a thumb's up.

"Yes. Indeed," said Sky, looking at Mike, who had yet to find a towel.

Rachel ran back out, fully dressed in the uniform which consisted of a white dress shirt, black sweater, and plaid skirt. "This makes me look like on of those Love Hina girls when they dressed up like school girls in that one picture. . .," Rachel grumbled. "But, with a sweater."

". . .You look like Laura," said Korus, blinking.

Rachel's hair was down. "OH, FINE! YOU GUYS SUCK! I NEVER GET TO HAVE A COOL COSTUME CHANGE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE ELSE! AND MIKE! PUT ON SOME PANTS!"

"I was gonna say you had TIFA hair. . .Or, the front, at least," said Kiako. "Anyway. . .CHARGE!" Now, they plowed back into the bathroom, running Rachel over.

"O-owie. . ."

To the car. . .

"You know, it's definitely going to be fun having to drive you people everyday. . .," said Vincent, cramped over with four people up front, and a random assortment in the back, the car being a mid-size Saturn. ". . .Isn't that the winter uniform?"

"We spent forever in the summer, you know," said Rachel. "Time flies when you're having fun. . ." There was a snap. "OW, MY SPINE. . . ."

"Is that why we're automatically accepted as long as we have the right credentials?" asked Nyow. "And. . .I have a bad feeling about going to this high school. . ."

"Why? Is it that whole, 'dear God it's an all-girls high school, so creepy men will only be around' deal?" Rachel asked. "Is that the only thing people worry about? A lack of the opposite sex will lead to a lack OF sex?"

Nyow gave her a very skeptical look.

"Okay, okay, perhaps the only reason I don't have a boyfriend now is because I go to an all-girls school, and that greatly decreases my chances of shacking up," Rachel admitted.

"Or, it could be because you're weird," said Cloud, squeezed with his knees to his chest in the front.

"You know, sometimes your hotness doesn't keep my anger at bay," Rachel sighed. ". . .AAAAAHAHAHAHA! Okay, that's a lie. Keep on talkin' stud muffin."

Everyone sighed.

"Yes, well. . .," said Cloud, "just that, maybe that's why you don't have a boyfriend."

Rachel sat there and plotted. ". . .What if I had a snare?"

"What?" Cloud asked.

"A snare."

"What good'll that do?"

"Well. . .," she continued, ". . .if I had a snare, there'd be a pretty good chance I either get a guy, or maybe a pet if an animal walks in it. And, maybe both."

The rest of the car ride was silent.

Into the estrogen jungle. . .

"So. . . .," said Christina, seeing her locker. ". . .this is it? I'm assigned a locker?"

"Yep!" said Rachel, smilingly. "You can keep your belongings and most personal items in this combination-locked cell of solitude!"

". . ." Christina was silent. ". . .So, it's my locker. This rusty tin-can that the faculty may break into if they suspect I have 'illicit' materials in."

". . .Yeah that, too," said Rachel, calmed down. "Yep. That's it. Enjoy."

Christina glared at the barfish color. "I'm jumping for joy. . ."

"Don't be so sad about the color. . .," Rachel said. "You can put wrapping paper over it. That's kinda like a tradition here, when you have a friend or something willing to put up with that crap. But, if you doooon't. . .The color certainly suits your personality. AHHHH!"

Christina jumped Rachel. "WHAT DIDJA SAY!"

Cloud was watching with wide eyes, and a traditional bag of popcorn. "Dude, Vincent. . .WATCH," he said.

Vincent was staring. "Cloud, we should REALLY stop this. . ."

"AHHH!" Rachel screamed. "NOT MY FACE! IT'S UNATTRACTIVE AS IT STANDS!"

"It's pretty hot. . .," Cloud continued. "but it's still creepy to think that one's my daughter. . .By the way, I bet ten bucks on her."

Vincent sighed and broke the two apart. "NO fighting in schools, ladies. . .If you want to fight, let Tifa moderate it."

"OOH! I WILL!" said Lucrecia, popping up out of nowhere.

"AHHH! DAMMIT, LUCRECIA!" shouted Cloud, surprised. ". . .Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Me? I'm the new biology, chemistry, and physics teacher. Mainly bio. . .but I sub for others," she said. "Isn't it great?" She had a huge smile on.

"Errrrr. . . .," said everyone else.

"Do I really belong in high school?" asked Chikara. "Aren't I a little young?"

Rachel blew that right off. "YOUNG! PFFFT NAWWW! And even if you arrre. . ."

Everyone ganged up. "IF WE SUFFER, YOU MUST SUFFER, TOO!"

Chikara was wide-eyed, and cowered. "Meep."

"Anyway, I have a computer class!" said Kiako, skipping off. "First, I'll hack into the system and remove all the firewalls. . ."

". . .I wonder about that child," said Holly. "Anyway Jessie, we have World Cultures."

"Yippee skip," Jessie muttered. "Is it lunch yet?"

"NO!"

"Yep!" said Rachel. "I have. . .Religion." She suddenly looked very depressed. "Religion class is for communists."

Vincent blinked. "But in communism, don't you-

"COMMUNISTS. . . .," Rachel grumbled again.

"Riiiight," said Vincent. "Well, I'm off." Vincent went up the left stairway, of the dulled tile floor, aluminum sided handrails, through the white painted hallways to his upstairs classroom.

"Heheh. Yeah me, too," said Cloud. He went marching, until he was stopped by a teacher.

The woman stood in a two-piece business suit and must have been forty.

Rachel didn't know her, considering she doesn't even know half the staff. Too many classes, too many teachers. Sad, huh?

"Excuse me. . .," said the woman. "Concerning you, you were not hired as a full time teacher," she said.

"Eh?" asked Cloud, surprised and hunched over, nearly dropping his suitcase. "What now?"

"Yes. . .," said the woman. "You're a SUBSTITUTE."

"Aw, poor Cloudy-kun," said Rachel, putting on a band-aid on her arm, over a bite mark. "Learning won't be the same without you. . . .If learning had you in it."

"Gee. Thanks," he sighed.

"Here you go," said the woman, handing him a list. "There's your schedule, and don't worry about your paycheck. It's the same as a regular teacher's salary, just that you might not have a job every day." She smiled politely, and walked back to her office down the hall.

". . . . .Hah," said Vincent.

"What?" asked Cloud.

"I'm smarter than you, 'cause I got a job," he said.

"Vincent, if you don't shut up now, my buster sword with bust itself up your-

"See you at lunch. . .," said Vincent, walking up the stairs.

First period, Introduction to Physical Science. . .

"Yep yep, welcome to the new school year, blah blah blah. . .," Rachel yawned, sitting at the elongated science lab desk. Each desk was a lengthy table that sat about six, facing the front to the blackboard, and having the same number of gas nozzles for experiments. Most of the time, you'd expect from Rachel's delayed reaction time that she was playing with these. Well, not exactly. It's just that everyone else does, and she gets to smell it, anyway. "Ewww, I smell gas, and. . .and. . .everything's wooooozy. . ."

"Hey, ya' know what?" asked a classmate, leaning over to Rachel, who was hunched over at her desk. "They hired a bunch of new teachers this year."

"Yeah, I can understand why," said Rachel. "The old teachers quit because you'd have to be out of your mind to teach here."

"HELLOOOO, STUDENTS!" Lucrecia exclaimed, bustling into the lab room. "I'm your APS teacher!"

"IPS!" the class corrected.

"Riiiiiight. . .," Lucrecia continued, setting down a stack of paper she carried in. "I was just checking on the bio experiments in the other lab room, and oh, I forgot to introduce myself! I'm Professor Lucrecia!"

A curious student raised her hand.

"Hm? Yes?" Lucrecia asked.

"What's your first name?" asked the student.

"That is my first name," said Lucrecia.

"Then. . .what's your second name?" the student asked.

". . . . .Your guess is as good as mine," said Lucrecia, blinking cluelessly.

The class was both silent and bewildered.

"Well, you were right. . .," said the student speaking to Rachel. "She certainly IS out of her mind. . ."

"Oh, hello there, Rachel! Haven't seen you since you pummeled my daughter this morning! Nice right hook!" Lucrecia congratulated. "Seems you took the most damage, though. I can see aiming isn't a strong suit."

The class decided to stare at Rachel now.

Rachel was extremely self-conscious by now. "Lucrecia, uh, the LESSON. . ."

"Oh! Right!" Lucrecia remembered. "Yes! To the PMS lesson!"

"IPS!" the class corrected again.

"UPS?"

"IPS!"

"IMS?"

"IPS!"
"OHHHH! IRS!" said Lucrecia, finally after the class had given up. "Yes, well, today's lesson will be a little brush up of last year. You had. . .?"

"Biology is for freshman, so since we're sophomores, it's IPS. . .," Rachel said with emphasis, "or chemistry if you're advanced."

"Right-o," said Lucrecia, flipping open the biology textbook from last year. "Okay, so let's do some basic points before the lesson, all right? . . .Hello?"

The girls in the back of the class were focused on something a little more interesting that IPS. . .

"Lucrecia, I can't seem to find my classroom. . .," said Vincent, poking his head in the doorway.

"Lord, have mercy on this high school. . .," Rachel grumbled.

There were a number of whispers going around the classroom, ranging from, "Look at his hair!", "Look at his face!", and "Look at his ASS!" (predominantly the latter), but it definitely didn't give one a good feeling about his new job here.

"It's room 213," she said.

"Oh! Just go straight in the opposite direction on your left," said Lurecia. "Bye, Vincent!" She blew a playful kiss and winked. "Just kidding."

Vincent smirked and waved, leaving down the hall.

The girls stonily turned back towards Lucrecia. ". . . . .Is that your. . .BOYFRIEND!"

"Yeah, well, he once was. . .," Lucrecia sighed. "Hormones and whatnot. . .Even though, I WAS 25. . ."

"How old are you now?" asked a girl, with a few snickers accompanying.

Rachel knew this question was a very deadly one.

"I'm about forty to mid-fifties. Hard to keep time in a stasis chamber. But I still look like I'm-

Rachel made a cut-throat motion with her hand. "EX-NAY ON THE TORY-SAY. . ."

"Say what in the whoozat?" asked Lucrecia. "Oh well, I'm 26."

The class was again confused and silent.

"Okay! Back on target!" Lucrecia exclaimed, excited to start class.

Second period, Religion class. . .

"Excuse me, I think I'm going to die now," Rachel sobbed, now in the religion room.

"It's all right. . .," said Nyow. "Last class wasn't weird. . .For Lucrecia, anyway. Nothing else will go wrong."

"RACHIE!" Kiro sprang in from the hallway. "GUESS WHAT! I'M A JUNIOR! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!"

"Kiro, this is an all-girls school. We lack large amounts of testosterone, and thus there is no "superiority" among students. Next of all, WHAT THE HELL, AND LEMME GO!" Rachel sobbed.

"Silly!" said Kiro. "There's ALWAYS superiority. . ." The she began stroking Rachel's neck. "IN THE BEDROOM. . ."

"OKAY! OKAY! GET AWAY!" Rachel said finally. ". . .Don't you have a class?"

". . .Dammit," Kiro grumbled. "I have chemistry."

"Good luck with THAT one. . .," said Rachel.

"Huh? Why?" asked Kiro, confused.

"No reason!" said Rachel. "Go! Scoot!" She escorted Kiro out the door. "Don't be a stranger! Okay! Yeah! Bye-bye! Uuuuugh. . .," Rachel sighed, back into her seat. "Is the day over, yet?"

There was a light tap of shoes on the floor of the religion room, followed by a black briefcase, pants, coat, and tie, only contrasting with his white shirt. "Hello, class," Vincent said, pleasantly enough as he could. "I am your new religion teacher, Mr. Valentine."

The girls' mouth dropped open. Some, almost drooled.

"LORD, HELP US. . .," Rachel grumbled again.

"Ah, good work, Rachel," said Vincent, overhearing her. "Yes! Pray to the Lord to forgive your sins!" The room went dark and there was this singular beam of light from the ceiling projected on him. "PRAY FOR THE ABSOLUTION OF YOUR SOUL! ONLY GOD MAY FORGIVE YOUR SINS AND PREVENT THE FIRES OF HELL LICKING AT YOUR VERY SPIRIT AND BURNING YOUR SOUUUUUUUL! REPENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT! . . .Who turned off the lights?" he asked.

Somebody tripped over the light switches on the wall. And the light? There's a sunroof in the ceiling there. Weird? Yeah, I know, but there is one.

"Sorry. . .," a girl apologized, getting back to her seat. "I miss something?"

"No, not really," said Vincent, continuing to be pleasant after that little candid moment. "Remember girls! God loves everybody! . . .Except maybe you," he said, pointing at Rachel.

"Me!" asked Rachel, in a tight, scared voice.

"No, God loves you. . .," said Vincent. "So, the religion department has given me my list of topics to cover this year. . .Anyone want to help me pick?"

"What is there to choose from?" someone asked.

"Okaaay. . .," said Vincent, browsing the list. "We have the option to do some bible study and passages. . .or, we could cover lessons of "life", "judgment and decision-making", "love-

"YES! THAT ONE!" a girl exclaimed. She turned pink. "Uh-mmm. . .Sorry. . ."

"No, no. . .," said Vincent, understandably. "That ought to be an EXCELLENT topic for teenagers now. How you should include God in decisions like premarital sex and morals along those lines."

"Nyess, nyess it ought to be. . .," said one girl in a droning voice.

Only now was it that Rachel noticed that half the class propped up on their elbows, staring fixatedly at him, with some smiles even dumber than hers. "Dear God. . ."

"Right," said Vincent, continuing with the lesson. "Tell me, how do you think of love. Yes?" he asked, pointing to a student.

"Well," she said, "it should be with somebody you not only find attractive, but. . .has a nice personality."

"Good," he said, nodding. "And you?"

Another girl spoke. "He should have a good ass, Mr. Valentine!"

The class chuckled, but some were still staring.

"Eheheh. Yes, a nice ass might just help. . .," he said, for a moment picturing Laura's. "Ahem! Well, uh, one last comment?"

"Enjoy long walks on the beach!" someone called out.

"Like animals!"

"Vegetarian!"

"All right, all right, I see. . .," he said, conclusively.

"What do YOU think of love?" asked an enamored girl.

"Um. . .," he said, blushing a little. "Love comes in a lot of different ways. . ."

"Like with the SCIENCE TEACHER. . .," someone barely audibly muttered.

"But," he continued, "if it's the kind of love we're talking about this lesson, I'd say that. . .First of all, when you fall in love with someone, it may feel as if you'd do anything for this person. Just one thing."

"Yes?" a few scattered people went.

"You shouldn't have to give up a part of yourself to do so. Be yourself. Got me? And if you don't want to upset them about their own opinions and you change your answer to make them happy, well then they're either not the person for you if this is a belief you hold strongly, or that you really did sell yourself short."

"So then, Mr. Valentine. . .," said Rachel, getting a jump into this. "If you're such a 'dating master', what do you have to say about older boyfriends? I mean. . .considering SO many girls have a boyfriend a year or so older. . ."

He scowled at her, but knew he had the answer the question, because so many girls nodded. "Age shouldn't even be considered a factor. If age is something that bothers you, fine. Pick someone your own age and be done with it. But if you like someone older or younger, that's your own opinion. There's no real right or wrong with this, just your opinion. Does THAT answer your question, Ms. Distler?"

"Hmph," Rachel grumbled. "Okay, then what if there's a really BIG gap? You don't want statutory rape, now do you?"

Vincent grumbled at that. "Next idea here. Statutory rape can even happen between a seventeen year old and an eighteen year old, BUT. . .in the case of a large gap, say if you're younger, don't be mislead by older guys. And RESPECTFUL older guys will respect you. If there's no respect, you've got a problem, but remember Rachel, statutory rape only happens with SEX. No sex, or at least not yet," he insinuated in his answer about Laura. "Happy?"

"Very," said Rachel, satisfied. "No touchy-touchy, Vampy man."

Now, NOOOOOBODY could find the train of thought in that statement.

"Riiiight. . .One last question? Anyone?"

"You dating anyone, Mr. Valentine. . . .?" asked a girl in a dreamy voice.

"Mr. Valentine, is that your real last name, or what your girlfriends nicknamed you. . .?"

"WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE!"

"This is gonna be one tough class. . .," he sighed.

Lunch time!

"Ah. Lunch," said Rachel, sitting down at her usual spot at the back of the cafeteria.

Her friend, Angela, was already sitting down. "Rachel?" she sniffled. "Do you have. . .A DOLLAR!"

"Uhhh. . .," said Rachel. "Happy first full day of school to you, too. And no, I do not have a-

"What's this?" asked Yuffie, holding up a dollar. "It has a funny picture on it. And it's GREEN. Plus, the guy on it isn't even hot."

"Yuffie? This isn't your lunch period. . .," said Rachel.

"Free period for me," said Yuffie. "What is it?"

"It's MONEY, Yuffie. . .," said Rachel. ". . .Wait, if you don't know what it is, why do you have it?"

"Stole it from the people next to us."

The table was in an uproar. "WHERE IS ALL OUR MONEY!"

"See?" asked Yuffie, holding up a fistful of money. "There's LOTS of this funny paper stuff."

Rachel groaned and sighed. "Yuffie? Just give Angela a dollar. . ."

"Huh? Okeedokee," she said, handing Rachel's blonde friend a dollar. "Enjoy!"

"YAAAAY!" shouted Angela, hugging Yuffie. ". . .My my, you look awfully familiar. Yuffie? Like, the GAME Yuffie!"

"Noooo, noooo. . .," said Rachel. "NOT like the game Yuffie."

"But, she looks just like-

"NOT like the game Yuffie. . .," Rachel repeated.

". . .The movie Yuffie?"

"NO. Forget it," Rachel sighed. "You know, it's really tough knowing famous people."

"What makes you say that?" asked Angela.

"No reason."

". . .You're strange," said Angela. "Cute, but strange."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MINE!"

"OW!" Rachel was bowled over, and realized something. ". . .Kiro, when she says 'cute', she doesn't mean that in a sexual manner."

"SHE BETTER NOT. . .," said Kiro, still on the ground with Rachel.

". . .Kiro, this looks terribly wrong," said Rachel. "Perhaps you could. . . .GET OFF!"

"Temper, temper. . .," said Kiro, wagging a finger in Rachel's face she they both stood up. "But, you're sexy when you're mad."

" . . . . . . .Kiro, you're a junior, so-

"I have a free now, too!" said Kiro. "I'm gonna sit next to ya'!"
"Sorry. No can do. We have a seating chart," said Rachel.

Kiro stared. ". . .This is one freaky school."

"NO, we always sit in our same spots, and become homicidal when we do not have that spot," Rachel stated. "Now, begone and-

"OOH, THAT SPOT NEXT TO RACHEL IS OPEN!" said Angela, coming back with her food from the Canteen. "But first. . .do you like. . .ANIME?"
"Yup," said Kiro.

"OKAY, YOU SIT!" said Angela, enthusiastically.

Rachel pulled her over to the side. ". . .Angela?"

"Yes, Rachel?"

"I hate you."

At Rachel's house. . .

"AHAHAHAHA!" Tifa cackled. "I DID IT!"
Mars' voice called from upstairs. "What?"

"I FOUND A JOB!" Tifa triumphantly hung up the phone.

"Are you a stripper? I'll visit you!" he shouted.

". . . .No," said Tifa. "I work at another dojo now. I just need to show my credentials and I get paid thirty dollars an hour. Not bad, huh?"

". . .Do I get to watch you stretch?" Mars asked curiously.

"No."

"Oh, FINE your meanness."

Some tall, short-haired girl hopped down the steps in a school uniform, coughed like she had a cold, and in a very feminine voice asked, "What do you think?"

". . . .Eh!" asked Tifa, not understanding what's going on. "WHO ARE YOU!"

The girl mussed up her hair, added on a red bandanna, and coughed again, straightening up. "It's me. Mars," he said in his normal voice. "I'm gonna sneak into the girls' locker room even if it KILLS me."

"Oh, it won't kill you," said Tifa, like nothing happened.

"You think?" asked Mars, with tears of hope in his eyes.

"Naaaah. . .," said Tifa. "I WILL IF YOU DON'T TAKE THAT OFF RIGHT NOW!"
Mars smiled. "Strip, huh? I KNEW you wanted me."

"HIT ON ME WITHOUT THE SKIRT! Ugh, that's so creepy. . .," said Tifa, shuddering. "GO! GO!"

Mars slumped and trudged up the stairs again. "FINE. . .BUT CONQUEST WILL BE MINE!"

"GO!"

"Doesn't the black sweater bring out my eyes, though?"

"GOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Waaah. . ."

There was this uneasy silence from Rachel at the lunch table.

But, Christina was doing just fine.

"DAMN YOU!" said Angela, picking at Christina's hair. "NOBODY IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE PRETTIER HAIR THAN I DO!"

"Eheheheheheh. . ." Christina was nervously laughing, trying to be polite. "You're Rachel's friends? I somehow pictured something a little more. . .Barbaric, really."

Angela stopped picking at Christina's hair. ". . .Ahem."

"Riiiight. . .," said Christina. "Anyway, who are all of you?"

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. . .," said Rachel, trying to usher her away from the table. "What IS important is that you get your OWN set of friends. All righty? Good."

"HEYYY, STOP SHOVING!"

"THEN START MOVING!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE-

Again, they jumped into a fight.

"Oh dear," said Corinne, Rachel's friend, standing only slightly taller than Yuffie, which STILL wasn't very good. "I think she's lost it again. Can I annoy what's left of her?"

"Eh. Sure," said Kelsey, blonde and even shorter than Corinne, shrugging.

Cloud again strolled over, with some popcorn he bought from a vending machine. ". . .That's still kinda hot."

Vincent growled and pulled them both up. "WHAT are you doing!"

"Bleeding. . .," said Rachel.

"Winning. . .," Christina grumbled.

"Cloud, is THIS how you raise your daughter? Cloud?" asked Vincent.

"RIGHT punch! RIGHT! Keep up your guard!" said Cloud enthusiastically, coaching his daughter.

"Yes, I agree! You need a little help there," said Lucrecia.

". . . .That leaves me with one thing left to do," sighed Vincent. ". . .Rachel, you need to dodge more, and try putting her into a headlock."

"Gotcha," nodded Rachel. "I was also thinking about just letting Corinne sic her."

"HEYYYYYYYYYY!" Corinne whined. "I only do that to you. Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. . ." Suddenly, Corinne went into this extreme poking rampage.

Rachel, stood sobbing, bleeding, slumped over, and bruised. "Welcome, to the story of my life."

Back with Tifa. . .

Tifa sat in the office of a nearby karate dojo, sitting in front of a man who looked pleasant enough to work with, the owner of the place.

"Sorry, I wasn't able to change into something, er. . .nicer," said Tifa, remarking about her normal attire. "I guess it's not something somebody would show up to for a job offer."

"That's all right. You didn't need to be very formal," he said, sitting.

Tifa looked around. It was full of awards, pictures, and behind him, he had a set of Japanese swords in a black case with red/purple designs, and shifted a little, feeling self-conscious.

"Anyway. . .," he said, moving off the subject. "I'll just start with some basic information. What's your name, first of all?"

Tifa laughed a little and so did he, after realizing the lack of introductions. "I'm Tifa Lockheart."

He started laughing a little more. "Really, now? I mean, seriously."

"Uhhhhhhh. . . .I AM Tifa Lockheart. . .," she said, a little freaked out.

". . .Honestly?" he asked, puzzled. "But, I thought that was only a character from-

She pulled out a birth certificate, with her name on it out of a portfolio. "Yes, I'm Tifa Lockheart," she sighed.

". . .Oh."

In Gym Class. . .

"EYAHAHAHAAA!" Cid said. "I can't believe these people would hire a MALE gym teacher in an all girls' school!"

"Ciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!" Rachel cried. "GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM!"

A group of scared/weirded out girls were giving him looks.

". . .Oh. Yeah," said Cid, blinking. ". . . . ."

Rachel stood there. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .GET OUT!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The girl mob angrily shoved him out, and started opening their lockers to change. "CAN I HAVE A PICTURE!" He went without reply. ". . . .Damn."

"Ewwww, that man is CREEPY. . .," said Mary, putting some black sweatpants on. ". . .And kinda familiar. Why was he hired!"
"Well. . .," said Rachel. "I'm guessing since we have male COACHES. . ."

"Ah. . .," Mary replied. ". . .He smells like smoke. Can he REALLY be a coach?"

"MEH!" shrugged Rachel, Christina, and Keily.

". . .Why am I here?" asked Keily. "I already graduated high school."

". . . . .MEH!" Rachel and Christina shrugged.

"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY!" Cid announced, in gray sweatpants, a white t-shirt, and a whistle around his neck, wearing his traditional goggles, and disregarding the smoke-free campus rule by blatantly accessorizing his smokes. "WHO'S LEADING THE STRETCHING!"

Everyone was too scared by the crazy blonde man to respond.

". . . .RACHEL! CHRISTINA! MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES!" he bellowed.

"Oooooooooooh, the teacher said 'asses'. . .," echoed the class.

He glared. "What! None of you say the same shit! What are you, kindergarten kids! Must I hold your hands!" He held onto two random girls' hands, until they scowled and elbowed him in the stomach and walked off. ". . .Ow. . .MOVE IT!"

Rachel and Christina briefly glanced at each other, shrugged, and started stretching out their arms behind their head, while the rest followed.

"One, two, three, four. . .," Rachel counted.

Cid sighed and watched. "Yep. Piece o' cake. Can't believe people actually get PAID for this."

Then, as for leg stretches, they all bent over to a running position to stretch.

Cid stared at the young flesh. "These are indeed the rewards of Catholic education. . .," he drooled.

After sealing the deal. . .

"Doot, duh dum, doo, dum. . ." Tifa was humming to herself while she walked down the street, reading a copy of the contract she had signed for her job.

"BEEP, BEEEEEP!" A car that ran by started to honk at her, when a guy stuck his head out the window.

"HEY THERE, GIMME A CALL SOMETIME!" he shouted, tossing his number out the window. "SEE YA' LATER, BABY!"

Tifa blinked. After that, she looked around at a few other people around her.

Many more than half were staring.

She grumbled. "I don't like this dimension. . ."

Off to gym class. . .

"That's right, ladies!" Cid yelled, in the middle of the gymnasium floor. "We're playing basketball today! Get into two groups of five, everyone else is a substitute, got it!"

"B-basketball!" asked Rachel, sobbing. "I'M TERRIBLE AT BASKETBALL!"

Christina stood and thought. "Basketball. . .basketball. . .I've heard of it, but I've never seen it before, other than in books mom showed me."

"Well, sheltered, freakishly moody child, you shall see the pain and horror that is basketball," said Rachel.

"I am NOT moody!" said Christina. "NEXT of all, the pain and horror you speak of must only be from a LACK OF PHYSICAL FITNESS. I can hear your arteries screaming."

"RAAAARGH!"

"WAAAAUGH!"
You guessed it. Another catfight.

"HEY! HEY!" shouted Cid. "I SAID WE'RE DOIN' BASKETBALL, NOT WRESTLING!"

The two were tearing at each others' clothes and hair, flipping each other over, straddling as they fought.

". . . . . . . . . .Call the computer lab. I need video equipment," said Cid, simply watching. "The tape'll sell."

"CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!" shouted Kiako. "STOP THE FIGHTING!" She made a very "come-hither" look with her eyes, batting them cutely. "Pwease, Ciddy-pie?"

"After that display, no," he concluded. "You're a technical genius! GET THE CAMERA!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"STOPPIT! STOPPIT! STOP IT ALL!" Keily yelled.

Everyone sat still.

She coughed. "Ahem. Thank you."

"You're welcome!" they shouted, before jumping back into a frenzy.

"HEY! HEY! HEYYYYYY!" she yelled again. "STOP IT OR I'LL NOTIFY TIFA!"

A very bloodied and beaten Rachel jumped up and stood up straight and stiffly, looking very, VERY afraid. "YES, MADAM CAPTAIN! ALL IS RIGHT IN THIS SECTOR!" she yelled, saluting.

A very similar looking Christina brushed herself off, trying to stem the bleeding from a bite in her arm. "Ouch. Got a band-aid?"

"Phew," Keily sighed. "That's better."

"Damn. I was gonna make more money off that tape than this job. . .," Cid mumbled. "All right, dammit! Let's play some basketball!"

Math class. . .

Konoshi sat impatiently at her desk, feeling a tad self-conscious, regarding her hair.

Everyone was staring at it.

"You know. . .," someone said. "You can't color your hair that at this school."

"What?" she asked. "This is natural."

The class blinked. ". . . .RIIIIIIIGHT. . ."

"Nooo! REALLY!" said Konoshi. "I CAN PROVE IT! . . .And I would too, but I don't swing that way."

Some people were confused; others just blushed and became freaked out.

"Hellooooo, my students!" said Cloud, stepping into the class, schedule in hand. "I'm your teacher, Mr. Strife! Who here like pre-calculus?"

Nobody raised their hands.

"Yeah, me neither," he sighed. "But hey, I was never any good at English. Oh, hello Konoshi."

"HELLO, CLOUD!" she waved happily.

The class was a little confused.

"You were the first one I noticed," he smiled.

"Reaaally?" she asked.

"Of course! Your silver and pink hair makes you stick out like a sore, freakish thumb!" he laughed, cluelessly and tactlessly as ever.

"Gee. Thanks," she grumbled.

"Anyhoo. . .," he continued, "I hope we can all get along! . . .Considering I'm only a substitute. Math can be fun, when applied properly."

Konoshi raised her hand.

"Yes?" asked Cloud.

"Mr. Strife, when in real-life will I use pre-calc?"

He blinked. ". . . .In real life, there is no such thing as algebra. So, never."

"Yaaaay. . .," everyone grumbled.

Getting sweaty with your teacher. . .

Rachel sobbed. "I hurt. . ."

"Oh, suck it up," said Christina. The two were sitting beside each other on the sidelines, made substitutes because of their injuries. "Damn, you bite hard."

". . .That sounds hot," Rachel blinked.

"Damn pervert. . .," she sighed. "Okay, while we're here at school, we'll have a truce. Shall we?"

"I dunno. . .I'm not accustomed to making peace with the enemy. . ." said Rachel, cautiously. ". . .Will this truce have pie?"

"Uh. . .sure," said Christina. "Whatever."

"WARM pie?" asked Rachel, looking at her very intensely.

"Eeeeyeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . .," said Christina. "WARM PIE. . ."

"YAAAAY!" Rachel clapped. "I'M IN! WHERE'S MY PIE!"

"In a vending machine."

"Wha?"

"You never specified where it came from."

". . . .WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

English class. . .

"You know. . .," said Jessie, in English class, "I sure like prepositions. . ."

"Uh. . .sure you do. . .," said Holly, trying to comprehend where that came from. "Why do you say?"

"Because, if we all had better grammar, the world would be a better place," said Jessie. "Don't you agree?"

"What?" asked Holly. "I didn't think you LIKED English class. WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS!"

"Aww, isn't that great!" asked the English teacher, standing right behind Jessie. "You love English! YOU GET AN 'A'!" She walked off.

Jessie smiled widely. "Heheh."

"You know what? You're such a kiss-ass," Holly grumbled.

Back at home. . .

"You know Mars, at this rate, I can get my own apartment soon," said Tifa. ". . .Mars?"

He was in the kitchen, trying to use a mixer, wearing a an apron. "Yes, Tifa?"

". . .Mars, what in the name of the Ancients are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to peak these egg whites, but it just won't work. . . .," he said, looking into the bowl. "You know, baking is a lot harder than it seems. . ."

". . . .You're bored, aren't you? At least, I HOPE that's the case for this," Tifa said. "You know Mars, I think I have man problems. Can I ask you a question?"

Mars dropped the mixer and ran over. "WHAT IS IT I CAN HELP YOU WITH!"

"Eeehhhh. . .Maybe I should just ask Mike instead. . .," Tifa blinked.

"NO! NO! YOU KNOW HIM! USE YOU AND LOSE YOU! YEP!" Mars stated. "NOTHIN' GOOD ABOUT THAT GUY!"

"Do you want a .32 calibur round up your ass, mister?" said Mike from the other room. ". . .I'd shoot you now, but I'm too lazy. Boredom really saps your strength. I think I need a job."

". . .Riiiiight. See? He's probably too lazy to give you advice," said Mars. "Come, come! Tell me your problem!"

"Well. . .," said Tifa. "On the way here, it seems I was once again objectified as a lust object from sex-loving men. Why is that? I mean. . .," she picked up her laptop and opened the screen, crammed with hentai of herself. "Why is this as such?"

Mars had a nosebleed. "UH-UM, WHY IS THAT ON THERE!"
Tifa sighed. "I was doing research on myself, after my name being almost considered a joke, because of the videogame. When I put in my name, all this popped up."

"And. . .you didn't spaz out?" asked Mars.

"I did, kinda. . .," said Tifa. "But hentai or porn doesn't freak me out like Aeris. I'm not as censored. It's just sex."

". . .I think I love you," Mars sniffled, tears in his eyes.

"Eh?" Tifa blinked.

He coughed, trying to be serious. "All right. Tifa, sadly in this place, you and people like you, are obviously SEX IDOLS," he said. "Tifa, among all things, that is what you are. Men love you. Women want to be like you. You cook, you clean, you have a pleasant disposition, and. . .THAT RACK. . ."

"I think I'm gonna hurt you," she grumbled. "Do you think I'm gonna hurt you, because I think I am."

"HEY! HEY! HOLD ON! YOU JUST WANTED THE TRUTH!" he shouted. "YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT!"

She sighed and slouched. "Right, right. . ."

He coughed, and leaned back on his side of the couch. "Look, Tifa. The point here is that you're most likely the most attractive woman on the planet, but you don't realize that, nor did stuff like this happen back in the previous world, PROBABLY because those damn lucky sons o' bitches see attractive women all the time, because it just works that way in videogames and movies," he grumbled, shaking his fist, wondering why he was still a virgin. "Men there didn't really point you out, because you were stuck in a SEA OF SEX APPEAL. . .," he said, starting to make weird hand gestures. "EVERYONE was pretty. . .Thus, you stand out less. Here, there's less of that. That's what we call REALITY. Not everyone's a model. Then, you walk outside, with that shirt, and the skirt, and the boobs, and the butt, and the perfectly toned arms and stomach that any woman would kill you over, and you're the center of attention. You're really a good person, Tifa, so you really shouldn't have guy problems. You're essentially perfect. At least, I think you are. . . . .Tifa?

Tifa's eyes were all googly, and she sniffled. "YOU'RE SO NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!" she sobbed, glomping him. "I THINK I LOVE YOU, TOO!"

He blushed. "Reaaaaaaaally?"

"YES!" she sobbed. "NOW, MY LOVE! SWEEP ME AWAY TO THE NEAREST BED! OR, WE CAN DO IT RIGHT HERE, OR IN THE SHOWER! ANYWHERE!"

"EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH. . ." he laughed, giving a thumbs-up.

She looked deeply in his eyes. "Mars. . . .Mars. . ."

"MARS! DAMMIT, YOU PRICK!"

"What?" he groaned. The world suddenly seemed foggy, when he realized he was lying back, looking straight up into a very cranky Tifa. "T-Tifa!"
"Mars, stop muttering when you sleep! Did you know you make hand motions when you sleep, too?" she asked. "You said my name. What were you dreaming about? YOU FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT MY DAY!"

He started sweating bullets. "Oh, nothing! I was just baking a cake! YUP! I WAS DREAMING ABOUT CAKE! Uh. . .THE CAKE YOU MAKE! THAT'S WHY I SAID YOUR NAME! GOT CAKE!" On his face was a very innocent yet nervous smile.

She leered. "Sure. Cake. Then what's THAT!" Her finger pointed to an obvious rise in his pants.

"EH! AHHHHH!" He started to freak out. "Uh, well, you see, about that. . .Um. . ." Looking down, he saw Hype, in cat form, picked her up, and placed her in his lap. "Do you see anything! I don't see anything! NO, NADA, NOPE!"

"Meowww. . ." Hyped mewed, licking her paws. "Myou?"

From far away. . .

"Myou? Dammit, I think someone used my noise. . .," Rachel glared.

"What? What noise?" asked Christina. "And did you meow?"

"MYOU!" Rachel shouted. "MEE-OH! NOT, MEE-OW! . . .OWWWW!"
Christina smacked Rachel on the arm. "Shut up. . ."

On to Mars!

"PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME!" Mars whined, strung up by his toes on the ceiling. "WHY DON'T YOU EVER PUNISH RACHEL LIKE THIS!"

"Because, Rachel doesn't have the HOTS FOR ME. . .I hope," said Tifa, a little disturbed by the thought. "Ew. . .Anyway, STOP HAVING DELUSIONS OF ME!"
"I CAN'T HELP IT!" he sobbed. "IF YOU DID THIS TO ME BECAUSE OF A STUPID DREAM, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ALL THE MEN ON THE PLANET WHO HAVE DONE THAT! AND THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE TO STRING UP!"

"I really, REALLY don't like this world. . .Not because it's strange and foreign, or has even more pollution, an even more corrupt government, and its customs are strange, but because I DON'T ENJOY BEING STARED AT! DON'T THINK ABOUT ME THAT WAY!"

Mars grinned slyly. "Well then, why don'tcha let me get it out of my system. . .?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP!"

SMACK!

"Owwwwwwwwww!"

End of the day. . .

"Ahhh. . .Wasn't that fun?" asked Rachel, walking back out of the gym. "I didn't have to play!"

"No, you COULDN'T play. . .," said Keily. "You know, I'm just not gonna ask about how you derive more fun bleeding than from a game."

Rachel blinked. "I think Tifa made it a game for me."

"Rachel? She doesn't make you bleed. . .Often," Keily shrugged. ". . .That was the last class, right?"

"Mmhmm. . .," said Rachel. "We can go home now! How was it for everyone?"

"It was all right. . .," said Nyow.

"Fun," said Holly flatly, standing next to a knocked-out Jessie on the floor.

"Stupid. Where's my testosterone?" asked Konoshi.

"I feel. . .so REJECTED. . .," Kiako sniffled.

". . .Riiiiiiiiiiight. I'm too impatient to ask everyone else, soooo. . .," Rachel started to walk out the door. "I'm gonna go."

"Good idea," said Nyow. "Getting away from school as fast as possible is always-

"NYOW-CHAN!"

"AHHHH!"

GLOMP!

"Nyow-chan. . ." Some strange, dark-haired girl had knocked Nyow over in a frantic tackle. "It's ME! Beppi!"

". . .Eh?" asked everyone. "Who name their child 'Beppi'?"

"Well, it's really 'Bethany'. . .," muttered the girl. "BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT! I MISSED YOU, NYOW-CHAN!"

"AAAACK! BEPPI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" asked Nyow, flailing. "And please, I think all these girls believe I'm a lesbian now because of you. . ."

"So?" asked Beppi.

BONK!

Beppi was clearly knocked out.

"Sooo. . .," Nyow continued. "We going home?"

"Ehhhhhhhh. . ." Everyone was a little speechless. "Who was that. . .?"

"Hm? Oh, that's Beppi. She's my best friend. Any other questions?"

They blinked and stood quietly. ". . . No, I think we're good."

"All righty!" Nyow exclaimed. "Who's picking us up?"

The silver Saturn pulled up, but who came out first was Aeris, stumbling out cluelessly. "Oooh, so this is the school?"

A lot of the girls were quiet, muttering, "Who is that! She looks like model," "Is that metal on her jacket?", and "How long did it take to grow her hair that long, because it must have taken it longer to braid."

Next of all, Tifa climbed out, too. Her hair, though, was peculiarly up in some hairsticks, a coat, and (dare I say it!) a long, merlot-colored skirt. "Where's the moron, and why am I here?"

"Oooooh. . .," went everyone.

"Hiii, Tifa!" shouted Rachel, walking up. "The unconscious girl is Beppi!"

"I thought that was Jessie."

"No, the OTHER unconscious girl!"

"Ohhh. . ."

"AHHH! RACHEL!" Angela walked up. "People are asking, 'since when did you know supermodels?', and I would like to know, too!"

Corinne had wide eyes. "AHHHH! AERIS COSPLAY!"

GLOMP! (yes, ANOTHER one)

"Ooh. Feel the love," said Aeris. ". . .Who is she?"

"LET GO OF THE AERIS, CORINNE. . .," said Rachel, trying to pry her friend off.

"NEVER!"

Rachel sighed. "Sooo, Tifa. . .What's up with the clothing change?"

"Remember those clothes Kiro bought back in England? Yeaaaah. . .," said Tifa. "I scrounged around in those clothing bags until I picked something I like. How do I look?"

"Like a supermodel off a runway."

". . .Will men stare at me now?"

"And women."

"Dammit," she grumbled. "That's the last thing I need."

"LOVE MUFFIN!" Kiro decided to suddenly start huggling Rachel. "Loooove muffinnnn. . ."

Rachel leered back to Tifa. "And you think women eyeing you is bad?"

"Oh. I see," Tifa said. ". . .Ha, ha."

"SHUT UP!"

During the car ride. . .

Beppi was fully conscious. "OHHHHH, NINETY-ONE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! NINETY-ONE BOTTLE OF BEEEEEEEER! SHAKE ONE FREE, PASS IT TO ME, NINETY BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL! NINETY BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, NINETY BOTTLES OF BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

"Her friend is annoying. . .," said Tifa, driving while Aeris sat on the passenger side. "I say we have a rear-end accident and take care of the dumb one as well."

"Tifaaaaaaa. . .," Aeris scolded. "She seems nice."

"EIGHTY-EIGHT BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL, EIGHTY-EIGHT BOTTLES OF BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

Aeris sat quietly for a bit, until she scowled.

And glared.

And her eye started twitching.

But, it all stopped as soon as she raised her finger.

"Huh?" asked Tifa. "What happened?"

"I cast Silence," said Aeris. "I'm back in my happy place. . ."

Quality time. . .

Mars was finally untied, sitting on the couch, face down. "Oww. . .," he grumbled. "I can't feel my toes."

"Sucks to be you, dude," said Condrugon, sitting on the opposite side, watching what seemed to be a porno. "Whipped."

Rolling over, Mars decided to watch the video. ". . .Dude, that's hot."

"Hey, nothing better to do around here. . .," Condrugon said. ". . .Whipped."

"HEY!"

"WHIPPED!"

Mars tried attacking Condrugon, and soon they were just this random blur of punches.

"WHPSH!" said Condrugon, making a whip noise. "NYAHAHAAA!"

Mike just wandered in and sat on the couch, while the two punched each other on the floor. "More porn for me."

At the same moment, the girls walked in and stared. ". . .Men are WEIRD."

Negotiation. . .

"Whaaaaa…?" went Rachel's parents. "We know all your friends have to TRY and stay here for a little while longer. . .But ANOTHER one! I don't think we can do this. . ."

"Awwww. . .," said Beppi, with googly eyes. "Pwease?"

Rachel's father shook his head. "I don't think we can afford all this."

"IT'S ALL RIGHT!" Beppi said happily. "I KNOW AN ALTERNATIVE!"

Everyone looked at each other and shrugged. "What is it?"

The alternative. . .

Beppi was lying contentedly on the lawn. "LAWN!"

Eveyone stood back and watched. ". . .Nyow, your friend is WEIRD."

"Meh, she's probably just eccentric," Christina shrugged. "Although, people are gonna wonder why there's some stranger out on the lawn. Rachel, take her place."

"YOU take her place," said Rachel.

"YOU take her place!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"BLAAAAAAAARGH!

Yay, can you say, "catfight"?

"Dammit. . .," Tifa sighed.

"WOOOO! LEFT JAB! LEFT JAB!" Lucrecia cheered.

Cloud was munching on some popcorn, when Reno floated over, and watched at the two bite and tear at each others' clothes. "Dude. . .that is one of the most sexual things I have EVER seen," Reno said, eating some popcorn.

"Dude," said Cloud, "calm down. It's just popcorn."

And thus, Beppi got to sleep on the lawn.

---

AN3:standing around with a simple smile:

Tifa: Wellllllllllllll. . . That had NO plot, whatsoever.

AN3: So sue me. Very little time. Must write, chop-chop. You get the idea.

Tifa: No, not really.

AN3: Shut up. ANYWAY. . .

Tifa:grumbles:

AN3: With the renewal of the AE cult, I have a present.

Everyone: Does this have anything to do with baked goods?

AN3: NO! WE GET OUR PERSONAL MASSEUSES, RIGHT HERE ON THE SET!

Cloud: I'LL be Tifa's masseuse. :grins:

Aeris:sighs: Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Cloud.

Cloud: HEY, EITHER ONE IS FINE!

Aeris:storms off:

Vincent: Smooth. Hey, I have my own holiday?

Fangirls:SQUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE:

Vincent: Haven't heard that one in a while.

Condrugon:getting a back rub: Ohhh yeah baby, this is what I've been working for.

AN3: Yep! I hope to have myself felt up in such a way it relieves me, A.K.A: a massage! I don't have a lot of time for this, because I need to make dinner. And I have the flu. Let's see, any updates/mentionings. . .Um, I try out for my duet on Wednesday. . .But I think I'm sunk because I LOST MY VOICE! DAMMIT! I WAS GONNA SING, "EYES ON ME":sobs: I think I let my partner down. I hope the music teacher let's me postpone the date. Um. . .I'm still working on all the chapters. . .Maybe one or two more to give you the general idea, then I'll be caught up with the Christmas one, then New Year's, perhaps a general one, get to Valentine's Day, a certain few special ones, like Aeris' birthday (it's more of an essay) CHRISTINA'S birthday (wow, she's a year old), and finally, some plot elements. Sound like fun?

Everyone: No. Now hand us the lavender oil.

AN3: Hopeless. Oh well, I need to go make my dinner. Bye!