Dreams of Love
Chapter 10: Wait
Derek woke to the delicious aroma of coffee brewing and and bacon frying. He smiled to himself. Meredith didn't cook. She still maintained that. Yet, with common sense, she was able to put simple meals on the table whenever she wanted. He strongly suspected if she ever really wanted to cook she could learn fairly easily. He stretched out his back and neck and groaned. He was still stiff from yesterday's surgery.
"Good morning," Meredith said hesitantly from the narrow doorway, shyly looking at him to see if he behaved differently towards her this morning.
"Good morning, it smells wonderful in here," Derek rolled out of bed and headed for the lavatory, kissing her on the top of the head as he squeezed by. She took advantage of the tight space by giving his naked rump an impertinent pat. Derek looked over his shoulder at her and grinned when she wrinkled her nose at him.
"Breakfast first, then a shower," she called through the door, "It's nearly ready."
"Okay."
Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't changed. He treated her the same as before, instead of keeping his distance from the crazy, caged girl. Mer rubbed the back of her hand over her face and sighed again. She'd been silly this morning, worrying about it. Unhappiness drained from her heart, lightening her load.
The timer dinged on the oven and Meredith quickly scrambled eggs and poured them into a hot pan. She gently scraped the eggs from the bottom and sides of the pan over and over as they cooked. She slid an oven mitt on and pulled out a pan of biscuits. Meredith made two plates up with bacon and eggs, biscuits and cantaloupe, and set them on the tiny table. She poured orange juice for Derek and water for herself before calling him to the table. He slid into his booth seat wearing only a ragged sweatshirt and equally ragged jeans. Meredith was amused that a man who could afford five star restaurants and brand new BMW's could still find comfort in ragged clothes in a ragged trailer. She poured coffee for both of them and seated herself. Derek smiled at how daintily she slid into the bench seat. One moment she was as tough as nails and the next she was as delicate as flower petals.
"So how are you this morning?" Derek asked, "You're up early. I thought you'd sleep in." He carefully did not mention that she had cooked breakfast for him – not just poured cereal – cooked. Inwardly, he smiled at her attempt to take care of him.
"It's the intern thing. We get accustomed to hardly sleeping," Meredith reminded him of what he already knew, "And I'm okay, considering. I called Tyler, Papà's night nurse, already. Papà Giuseppe had a good night. He'll be ready for the surgery. Then I spoke to Papà in person. Derek, he was making jokes on the phone! What is wrong with him?" She shook her head as she speared a chunk of melon. She knew that some patients reacted to pre-surgery jitters by becoming too jovial. She just didn't want to see it, Derek thought.
They stayed quiet through the rest of the meal, each occupied by his own thoughts. Then Meredith cleared the table and began washing the dishes. She waved aside his offer to help and urged him to have a second, more relaxed cup of coffee. Derek iced his sore neck and drank his coffee while looking out the window at the fabulous lakeside morning view.
Unbidden pictures of Meredith, a slender, budding sixteen year old girl, being forced to live locked in a basement for months, starving, surfaced in his mind's eye. His temper boiled again. He carefully kept his face averted from Meredith, not wanting to stir anything else up for her on the day of Guiseppe's surgery. Then he realized they'd slept through the night without a nightmare. A part of his tension relaxed somewhat. Meredith was feeling safer. Meredith finished her chores and then slid in next to him lifting his arm and ducking under it.
"Hey," he said softly as he dropped his arm around her narrow shoulders and kissed her soft upturned lips, "thanks for breakfast." She snuggled into his hug, loving the feel of his warm, hard chest, and just needing to be close to him for a minute.
"You're welcome." They stayed there, still and quiet, holding each other gently, letting the peaceful lake uplift them. Meredith sipped coffee from Derek's cup and let herself mentally drift. Finally, Derek turned and urged Meredith out of the tiny booth seat. He stretched out his neck and back again and headed for the shower.
o-o-o
They drove to the hospital while it was still quite early. Meredith was becoming anxious to see Papà Giuseppe in person. She needed to hold his hand, speak about Rome in Italian and, most of all, remember everything he'd taught her in the short time they had.
Anxiety was beginning to claw at her guts and choke her throat. Meredith knew the odds Guiseppe faced. She tried to ignore her inner negative voice and focus on something positive, but for the life of her she couldn't. She picked at the cuff of her sleeve absently, trying to distract herself.
Papà Giuseppe was in great spirits. He joked with Derek and teased the nurses. He gathered Meredith in the crook of his arm and stroked her hair. Derek lounged in a plastic chair and acted as if he had all the time in the world to visit with family. Between them Derek and Guiseppe managed to quiet many of Meredith's misgivings. When the time came for Guiseppe to be wheeled into surgery Meredith walked with him to the OR door.
"Papà, ti amo. Li aspetterò a destra qui, bene? State andando essere fini. State andando essere fini." Meredith assured him that she'd be waiting for him right there. She repeated twice more that he would be fine. She didn't want to let go of his hand. Finally, Guiseppe kissed the back of her hand and let go himself. The scrub nurses took advantage of the moment and wheeled him away leaving Meredith standing bereft in the hallway with the doors swinging shut in her face.
"Dr. Grey, what are you doing up here?" asked a familiar authoritarian voice.
Meredith turned slowly to face Dr. Bailey, "I wanted to walk with..."
"You are the family, not the doctor. Go wait in the waiting room. You stay away from these doors and this hallway. I mean it," Bailey was firm, not unkind, determined to protect Dr. Grey from her own folly.
Meredith wandered down the corridor looking down, blind to everything but her inner landscape. She stepped to the side when she realized she was about to run into a man in dark trousers and shiny black shoes. The man sidestepped with her, blocking her path. She looked up and stared into the dark chocolate eyes of Papà Giuseppe's father Nonno Armando. Flanking him were his two younger brothers, Marco and Paolo, Papà Giuseppe's uncles. Meredith froze and stared in shock. The horrible memories of her last encounter with these three men surfaced and danced in front of her eyes. She'd been a scared, confused, heartbroken sixteen year old. They'd been impatient and ruthless.
"Meredith Grey, dove è Giuseppe?" asked the hawk featured old man with no preamble.
"He... he's in surgery," Meredith's tongue stumbled over itself. Her numb brain tried for coherency.
"What? He has gone ahead with this madness?! He is throwing away what life he has left. You should have stopped him!" exclaimed Zio Marco, "You are a doctor yourself now, yes? He told us you were here when he phoned us yesterday."
"Why didn't you stop him?!" demanded Zio Paolo.
"He wanted..." Meredith, at a loss, started to reply.
"Dr. Grey, who are these gentlemen?" asked a firm voice. Meredith sighed in relief.
"Dr. Bailey, this is Dr. Giordano's father and uncles," Meredith said simply.
"You must leave this floor at once. No one is allowed on this floor except authorized personnel. Please come with me. I will show you to a designated waiting area," Dr. Bailey ushered everyone to one of the surgical waiting rooms. Even the Giordanos en masse were no match for Dr. Bailey.
"Please, can you explain to me what is going on?" asked Guiseppe's formidable father, "The doctors at home said the tumor was inoperable. Who is this Dr. Shepherd? Why does he think he can operate when no one else can?"
Dr. Bailey and Dr. Grey exchanged glances.
"Dr. Shepherd is one of the foremost, innovative neurosurgeons in this country. He believes there is a small chance that he can remove the tumor and save Dr. Giordano's life," Bailey's face softened at the naked anguish she saw on the old man's face, "I have seen what Dr. Shepherd has been able to do in the past, sir. I believe your son is in the best hands possible."
"If Papà Giuseppe just called you yesterday, you must have been traveling ever since. The surgery won't be over for many hours. There is time for you to go to a hotel and rest," Meredith added tentatively, "I can call you if we receive any news early."
"No, I wish to stay here," said Nonno Armando stubbornly.
"Come," said Marco, "We can do nothing now. We were too late. He refused to listen to our opinions on the phone and he wouldn't have listened if we'd gotten here earlier."
"Let's do as she suggests and rest at the hotel. I, for one, am exhausted," said Paolo.
Without another word to Meredith the three men argued amongst themselves until they'd reached a decision and left without a backward glance. Paolo strode back a minute later and handed Meredith a business card with his cell service number on it.
"If anything changes, call this number," he said coldly.
"Alright," Meredith said softly as he left before she could answer.
Dr. Bailey touched Meredith's knee as they sat diagonal to each other, expressing her support.
"It's going to be a long day," Meredith sighed.
"It is, that," said Bailey, rising to attend to everything else on her agenda, "Are you going to be okay here?"
"Yes, of course, I'm fine," Meredith hastened to assure her even though her insides were quivering with emotion and stress. Bailey eyeballed her up and down and appeared satisfied enough with what she saw to leave Meredith alone in the waiting room.
Meredith sat on a couch cross legged. Her hands rested limply in her lap. Her shiny honey hair lay in wings against her face as she stared down at her useless hands. There was nothing she could do. So much of her life there was nothing she could do. Depression swept over her. Nonno and her two zios hadn't even said hello to her. They hadn't really acknowledged her in any way, nothing had changed there over the last twelve years. What had she expected? Still, Papà Giuseppe had come to Seattle. That meant something.
"Mer, Bailey asked me to keep you informed," Alex Karev poked his head in the waiting room, "Your sister's baby is in distress. We have to go back in. Dr. Montgomery is operating in OR 5. I'm on my way there now. Gotta go." Alex ducked out as fast as he'd ducked in.
Meredith stared at the air where Alex had been. What? Meredith stood and paced hugging her arms around her middle. She paced to the window and then back to the coffee maker. Over and over, round and round. Guiseppe couldn't die. Please don't die. Please don't die. Please don't die. The baby was so little. Laura can't die. Please don't die. Please don't die. Then Mer remembered George's dad, who was also in surgery today for the removal of the esophageal tumors. Please don't die. Please don't die.
Meredith stopped, unable to endure any more. She determinedly headed for the OR 5 gallery. She edged to the front of the gallery and peered down on the surgery below. She watched as Montgomery and her surgical team rallied around the baby dealing with a small emergency.
"How is it going?" asked the Chief at her elbow.
"Good, they had a scare, but they handled it."
"Thatcher is pacing a hole in the floor out there. He'd probably like to hear how she is doing from you," the Chief commented quietly.
"No, he has never wanted to hear from me," Meredith replied in a matter-of-fact voice, "Did you operate on Mr. O'Malley this morning?"
The Chief nodded.
"How is he?"
"We did the best we could in the surgery. Mr. O'Malley is in critical condition and his prognosis is poor. George will need his friends over the next few days." Meredith stared at the Chief reading between the lines. Poor George.
Meredith headed for OR 1, Derek's OR, to check on Guiseppe. Cristina stepped in her path and deflected her into the nurse's substation.
"Where are you going, Mer?" asked Cristina.
"Cristina, I just want to see how the surgery is going for Guiseppe. I won't stay long, I promise," Meredith said earnestly.
"No, Meredith. You can't go in there. You can't distract Shepherd and you can't look inside your stepfather's brain. That is just too creepy." Cristina declared.
"I just want to see..."
"No, Mer."
"But..."
"No, come on." Cristina guided Meredith away from the ORs, "You have to wait with us until Shepherd pages you. You know that."
Meredith let herself be led away, knowing that Cristina was right. She went down the food court with Cristina and settled with hot tea and Izzie, Cristina and Tolliver at a table. Her friends kept up a lively banter helping Meredith relax. Meredith waited for Derek's page, anxiety edging her world.
I wrote this in answer to Cassie 1550's comment (and I thank her so much for making me think about this):
Yes, it is difficult to write. I think that is why I moved it away from Acts. It is an angst-romance rather than a romance-drama. It has a different flavor, yet it has been Meredith's back story for me from the beginning.
It is why I think she is my favorite. She reps all of the peeps who have been twisted by fate and outside forces and who go on to save lives and serve others, at great expense to themselves, in spite of long odds. Meredith is a wounded healer like so many healers.
This story is also about how Derek won't run away just because something hard comes up. He is a strong, grown man, darn it! Not a coward. Meredith trusts him with her secrets - even her secret shame. He is worthy of her love. Also, she loves him enough to be willing to get over her stuff – or to at least try.
It is about the beauty in life (like great sex, love, easy dinners, friendships) going on even when awful stuff is happening too. It is about how a privileged person like Meredith can also be a very underprivileged person and how those two opposing forces show up in her characteristics and relationships and self-esteem.