Heir to the Throne

(Lucy)

I didn't go to sleep that night. I lay awake with Caspian's head on my shoulder and his arms wrapped around me. I ran my hand through his hair and listened as he sighed in his sleep while I watched the colors of the night change from deep blackish purples to soft, lush blues and greens as dawn crept closer. Tears pricked my eyes, and I was very moved and very afraid.

I knew this was what I wanted. I had been sure, and Caspian's touch was as wonderful as all I dreamed of. I didn't regret a moment, not even that first pain, but still. I wondered. My head started to teem with questions.

What will I say to Edmund when I see him? He will know, surely, for Caspian hasn't been in the tent all night. How will I answer Eustace's inevitable questions? What will Edmund think? If this was before, I would be surest of Edmund, that he wouldn't judge me. But now he feels as though he has to take on Peter's role, and he's a little different. And Peter. One day I'll see him again, and how can I look him in the eye? He would have laid down his very life to preserve my innocence, and I gave it away.

I sniffed and pulled Caspian closer to me. Guilt threatened to prick at me, but when I kissed his blond head I couldn't feel sorry for what I'd done. Still I was scared to be so exposed, so naked before anyone. No one had ever looked into my heart like that before. I got ready to cry for myself, but then I remembered his eyes. I hadn't expected his eyes. Even before I saw him that morning by the river I had known his body would be beautiful. He had held me close before and I could feel his strength. But when he took me in his arms and he looked in my eyes and he never looked away. I almost couldn't bear it, and yet I wanted him to look at me like that again and again, forever.

I shifted in his arms and kissed his forehead a couple of times. I wanted him to wake up and talk to me and soothe away my troubles as I knew he could, but I didn't want to wake him. I hoped the kisses would do the trick, but he slept on, and I went on staring into the darkness.

Edmund didn't say anything at all. I thought I caught the slightest raise of his eyebrows when Caspian came out of my tent the next morning as I was stirring up the camp fire, but that was all. When Eustace looked at Caspian as we ate and asked him "Where were you last night?" Caspian only said "I slept outside. You see my sleeping roll." Eustace shrugged in acceptance, and we all finished and packed up.

This was worse than if Eustace had asked a thousand questions and Edmund lectured me. Even Caspian went on exactly as he had before. He was kind and warm, but he seemed to think nothing had changed. The problem was that I felt completely different. I would look at Caspian's back as he rode ahead and chatted with Edmund, and I didn't know if I wanted him to sweep me into his arms and show me all that passion again or if I wanted to turn in the other direction and ride as far away from him and everyone as I could. Since everyone else seemed to think that all was fine, I couldn't say anything. That was the first time I really lied, because I pretended everything was fine too though in truth I had never felt more unsettled. I would lay awake at night thinking that if Caspian came to me I would hit him and tell him exactly what I thought, but hoping he would come all the same. He didn't.

We arrived at Miraz's castle, and as we sat looking up at the crumbling gates I saw the storm pass over Caspian's face. A moment before he had been laughing with Eustace, but he stopped all at once and glared at the castle looming before us. I started to reach for his hand, but thought better of it. He was the first to start his horse, though he went at a walk.

"Do you think this is a good idea?" Eustace asked, inching his horse between Edmund and me.

Edmund shook his head. "Hard to say."

"He feels he must, and that is all I know," I said, chewing my lip doubtfully.

When Caspian called us back to Narnia by winding Susan's horn, we found the ruins of Cair Paravel sad because they were so full of warm memories that no longer existed. The place shone still because it had been the home of great valor and the seat of the four thrones which were Narnia's best hope. There was something almost sacred about those ruins. Miraz's castle had no such claim. Instead of nature creeping back and splitting the stones, Narnians had come to use the stones for their own purposes and dragged them through the gardens. There was no love for this place anywhere, and though the castle itself was still mostly whole, it was quickly falling into disrepair.

We left our horses to the grooms and continued inside. Though the sun outside was warm there was a chill inside, and I rubbed my arms and drew close to Edmund. Caspian led the way, clipping the corners as if displeased that he knew this castle so well. He stopped in a hall with many pillars and a checkered floor. There were cabinets all around the outer walls, and down the center was a row of busts done in black marble. "All the Telmarine kings," Caspian said with a scowl. He strode down the length of the room until he reached Miraz. I assumed it was Miraz, for I had never seen him, but he was everything Edmund and Peter had described even when carved in marble. Caspian took one long look into the eyes of the stone Miraz then lifted it above his head and smashed it on the floor. The nose fell off as the statue rolled away, and one of the floor tiles was cracked in all directions.

Caspian looked at the head of Miraz, breathing hard. Then he looked at Edmund without a change of expression. "You want records? You want to know? Here." He strode over to the cabinets and wrenched them open. He yanked out several volumes. "The Telmarines loved their false power. Each of the kings kept chronicles. Have Miraz—though I don't know if it's a good read. It's unfinished, you see. Have my father. See if he was a good man after all, though whether one can be both a Telmarine and a good man is very questionable." As he spoke he tossed the volumes on the floor, and they landed with soft thuds that echoed dimly in the room of marble. I looked at the books and then at Edmund.

"Caspian, look here," Eustace began. "This is madness."

Caspian rose and looked at Eustace. He was very red indeed. "Don't you talk to me about madness! You don't know what it's like to grow up in a house that's like a prison, where no one cares about you—"

"Yes I do!" Eustace shouted. "I do! You think I come from a loving family like they do?" He indicated me and Edmund. "I don't have any brothers and sisters, and my mother—well, I don't know why she had me. She didn't seem to love me very much. Around her there were more lectures than kisses. I got to think I was more a social experiment than her son. I know what it's like, Caspian."

"But—"

"Now you're going to start whining about how Narnia's fall is your fault aren't you? I'm so sick of hearing it! You saved Narnia. You brought the country back to what it was—at least that's my understanding, and I only have it because others told me. Other Narnians. But fine—if you want to come here and wallow in your misery, then go ahead." He turned on his heel and stalked off.

"Fine!" Caspian yelled after him. "Walk away! I don't care!" He narrowed his eyes as he stared after Eustace. Then he turned to me and Edmund. When he saw bewilderment rather than sympathy on our faces, he made an impatient noise and stalked out himself.

Edmund bent to collect one of the volumes, muttering "All the same, I want to know."

I couldn't stay while he read, so I ran after Caspian. He was fast and knew the castle, though, so I was searching for a frustrated half hour before I found him curled on a bed in one of the upstairs chambers. He was surrounded by a boy's playthings and he was stroking a book of his own. This one was more crudely made than the leather-bound volumes downstairs, but his eyes were bright as he touched the pages. I made a soft noise of sympathy and sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked up and pulled me to him so that we were lying together. My head was on his chest and his arms were around me, holding the book.

"I think Nurse made this book for me because she knew that eventually Miraz would send her away," he told me. "I know she wanted me to remember Old Narnia. I found it under my mattress after she left. I could scarcely read, but I made myself learn. When I read myself to sleep I felt like she was still there. I could feel her kiss on my forehead."

I tucked myself closer, holding him as tight as I could. He let the book fall a moment as he hugged me with all his strength. Our bodies were pressed together; we were a tangle of arms, and I could scarcely tell where he began and I ended. After a moment he kissed my forehead and said "I want to read you my favorite story."

I nodded and we let go a bit to give each other space to breathe. He opened the book to nearly the first page and read in a quiet, almost boyish voice " 'Mr. Tumnus was a faun who lived in the Western part of Narnia during the Hundred Year Winter. His house was not far from Lantern Waste. He lived a very quiet life, and his favorite way to spend an afternoon was reading a book by his fire and sipping tea. He believed that people should live and let live, and his dearest hope was that the White Witch would just leave him alone with his books and his tea.' " He broke away and looked at me "That was exactly as she used to tell it to me. I can hear her voice as she sat on the bed with me. 'Sometimes he thought about the end of the White Witch and the fulfillment of the Great Prophecy, but never for long. What if he spent his life hoping and it never came to pass? So when the White Witch charged him with turning any humans he should encounter over to her he agreed, because he was not a faun made for wars. Though his conscience pricked at him, he reasoned that he wouldn't ever meet a human in the woods. After all, he had read a book called Is Man a Myth? which questioned the very possibility of such a creature existing.

"'Except one day he did meet a human in the woods. He was coming from shopping on an evening of thick snow when he passed into the pool of light from the lamppost and found himself face to face with a girl. Her name was Lucy, and though she was still very small at the time, she would later become Queen Lucy the Valiant. They were both surprised and a little scared at first, but soon they were walking back to Mr. Tumnus' cave while Lucy tried to tell him about the place she came from.

" 'Mr. Tumnus knew his promise to the Witch, and indeed he even started to keep it, lulling Lucy with a tune on his pipes. Lucy was a wise girl,' " Caspian paused to smile at me, " 'and she shook herself out of the dream. Then Mr. Tumnus was forced to admit what he was doing. Though she was afraid, Lucy did not scream or cry or fight him. She only asked to be set free. Of course Mr. Tumnus understood that he could not betray her, and so he guided her back to the lamp post. She went back to the place where she came from and when she returned she brought all her royal siblings with her: Peter the High King and Queen Susan the Gentle and King Edmund the Just. And so, although he didn't dare believe in the Prophecy with his whole heart, Mr. Tumnus was the first Narnian to help it come to pass.' "

He put the book aside and shifted so that we were facing each other. "I always hoped with everything I had, and it nearly broke my heart. But I hoped all the same."

Tears sprang to my eyes, and I touched his cheek and kissed him. There was a good deal I wanted to tell him about those days before I got back to Narnia with everyone, about how they didn't believe me and how I started to wonder if I didn't dream it all, but he started to kiss me. At first I wound my arms around him, relaxing to his touch, but his mouth became more insistent and he moved against me. I knew what he wanted, and I started to feel afraid. That delicate feeling like I was swallowing glass started to come back. He looked into my eyes and murmured in between kisses "Lucy. Lucy, please. I need you." He was more delicate than me, and he had the courage to ask for help. I couldn't tell him no, not when I half wanted him myself. Even if I thought it would break me.

Afterwards, when twilight's shadows started to creep through the room he fell asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I chewed on my lip and stared at the gilt peeling off the ceiling. I didn't know why I felt so raw inside. I loved him, didn't I? Hadn't I dreamed of him taking me in his arms? I asked him to when we were among the daffodils. But I didn't know what it would do to me. I felt as though I was bleeding and I didn't know how to stop the flow, or even where the wound was to begin with. I never wanted to talk to Susan so badly. She would understand. She would help me. But she was a world away. She didn't even know what I was going through.

Did anyone? Certainly not Eustace or Edmund or even Caspian seemed to understand. They just pretended nothing had happened. They were the only ones who would know, except for Aslan. Surely he was watching. I realized everything this meant and I sprang out of bed as if Caspian's skin burned me. Aslan knew what I had done. Perhaps he was angry. I felt even more naked than I was, and even after I had pulled my dress over my head I couldn't shake the feeling that eyes were clinging to my every movement.

I ran from the room and down the steps. I ran through all the close corridors until I was outside in a little back garden where there was a pool surrounded by large, flat rocks. Once the courtyard had been wonderfully paved in mosaics, but the tiles had fallen out or been chipped away and grass was growing between them. I could only just see this in the fading light. I tripped on a loose stone and fell to my knees by the edge of the pool. I looked into the water and saw my face, white and wide-eyed. I though I could also see Aslan over my shoulder, and he was looking at me with very grave eyes. When I turned my head, though, he wasn't there. That was when I began to sob. My chest heaved so I couldn't catch my breath, and I started to feel sick to my stomach, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't know how to fix what I'd done. All I could do was cry.

"Lucy?" a voice asked behind me. I looked up expecting to find Caspian and saw Edmund.

He knelt beside me. "Lu, what's wrong?" he asked urgently.

"Oh, Edmund!" I cried, throwing my arms around his neck. I wept into his shoulder even harder. He held me gingerly at first, but after a moment his embrace was sure, and that gave me enough strength to talk. I sniffed and looked up at him. "I think I've made a terrible mistake," I said.

"Come now, it can't be all that bad," he said, patting my back.

"I don't know, but I feel as though it is." I shook my head. "I don't know if I ever should have let Caspian…" I dropped my eyes. I couldn't look at him anymore.

Edmund's right hand left my back and I felt him reach for his sword hilt. He stopped himself, and though his lips were pressed together in a very fine line he asked "Has he hurt you?"

"Oh, no. Not on purpose anyway. I just—I think that Aslan's angry with me for being with him. I don't know. I'm so confused." I buried my face in my hands and tried not to sob.

"Hey now. Listen," Edmund said kindly but still in his practical way. He took my hand by the wrist and pulled it away so he could look into my face. "What's he got to be angry with you for?"

Susan wasn't there, so I had to confess to Edmund. "I'm not a maid anymore. I let him—I asked him—"

"Hush, Lucy. That's no worse than any of us have done. Aslan wouldn't abandon you for something as small as that. He saved me even though I did something much worse. You mustn't think Aslan so harsh."

I looked up at him. He never mentioned what happened when we first got to Narnia. I had only heard him refer to it twice before, and his making mention of it now made me freeze. He gave me a sheepish smile and hugged me again. "Don't take it so hard."

I squeezed my eyes shut and held onto him as tight as I could. I could have told him about how Caspian didn't seem to think anything was different when I felt like the whole world had been turned upside down, but I found I didn't need to. Edmund rarely let me hold him as close or as tightly as I wanted, but on the handful of occasions where I could, the beating of his heart alone soothed me. Peter made me feel safe and protected, but Edmund made me feel stronger, as if I could face the very thing I was afraid of. Though he probably wanted to, he didn't draw away. He held me a long while without saying anything.

Eventually, awhile after it was really deep night, he helped me to my feet. "Come on. It's freezing out here. Let's get you by a fire." I nodded and leaned against him.

Edmund took good care of me. He tucked me into an armchair and brought me my dinner and sat with me and told me stories while I ate, trying to make me laugh. I realized I hadn't spent an evening alone with him like that in some time, and I also saw that whatever happened with Caspian, I would always have Edmund.

He left to get some tea, and I stared into the fire. I was starting to feel a little warmer, but I still felt fragile, as if I were convalescing. I hadn't known love would make me feel like this. I didn't know if I liked it, or even if it was for me.

I heard footsteps in the passage and thought Edmund was returning with my tea. I smiled to myself until I heard the voices in the hall. "What is this about, Edmund?" Caspian asked, sounding trembling but defiant. "Have you read the journals? Do you find me to be my father's son?"

Edmund wrenched the door open before I could find time to hide myself. "Caspian," he said, rubbing his temples, "I do wish you would stop being so selfish."

"What!" Caspian roared. "I've never—I'm not—"

"Stop that. You don't have any righteous indignation. If my brother Peter were here, he'd be at you with his sword. I'm trying to give you a chance."

"So you think me a usurper too!" he cried.

"It's got nothing to do with that! You aren't the only person in Narnia."

"I know I'm not—" Caspian began to talk over Edmund, but Ed overpowered him.

"You promised you wouldn't hurt her," he said gravely.

When he heard Edmund mention his promise, Caspian froze. "I haven't," he said almost fearfully. "Have I?"

"Perhaps if you opened your eyes and looked at her, you'd know." He gestured to where I was sitting, and Caspian turned around. He came to sit before me on the Ottoman. Edmund gave me a brief nod before he left the room.

Caspian searched my face. "Have I?"

I shook my head. "I don't know."

"No, Lucy. No," he breathed, taking my hands.

"I feel so different," I whispered. "Everything's changed."

"Don't say that. Please."

I pulled my hands away and drew my knees to my chest. I wanted to be cold and angry as Susan was when she schooled her suitors, but I started to cry. "I feel like I'm falling apart," I said. "No one has ever—not in all the time we were here before. I was the virgin queen. And now—"

He turned a little pale. "I thought you wanted to. I never would have—"

I shook my head. "No, I'm glad—in a way. It was beautiful." I let go of my knees and leaned closer to him. "But so strong and so strange."

He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. "I know."

I looked into his eyes. "Then why did you act as though you didn't? Why did you act as though nothing had happened? I couldn't bear that. My maidenhood has been so fiercely guarded for so long—by my brothers, by my sister, by my country, by myself. I wouldn't ever throw it away. Yet afterwards, you made me feel as if I did. You didn't even care."

Caspian winced as I spoke, and when I finished he buried his head in his hands. "Lucy, what have I done to you?"

"Do—do you regret it?" I asked hesitantly.

He screwed up his mouth uncertainly. "I regret hurting you. I never meant to make you feel like that. I love you, and being with you is…"

"Shh," I murmured. I pressed on his shoulders so he would lay his head in my lap. I found I didn't need him to say anymore. "It's nothing that can't be fixed," I said softly, smoothing his curls, "If you love me."

"I do. Please know that I do."

"I know—now." I bent over him, still talking in a quiet voice. "But this is not like you. I feel…I feel like you're drawing away from me. You are not yourself, Caspian."

His shoulders sagged. "Maybe this is who I really am. Maybe I am nothing but a Telmarine pretender."

I set my mouth in a line, but I also wound my arms around his shoulders and held him close. "You can only be what you believe you are. I have been trying to tell you, but I see now that you can't hear it, even from me. You have to believe it. I can't make you believe, but perhaps I can help you."

He raised his head to look at me, but my arms were still around him. "Lucy, you are so strong. But who will be strong for you?"

"I want you to be," I said, kissing him. "I want to know you'll hold me if I feel alone or help me if I am in trouble or guide me if I feel lost. I want to do the same for you."

He stroked my cheek, and his eyes were dancing as they looked into mine. He didn't say anything, but I could feel what he was thinking—the same wide-eyed wonder of the last seas washed over him.

"Caspian," I urged gently, "Tell me who you are."

He dropped his eyes. "I don't know."

I too his hands so he would look at me and shook my head.

"Do you know who you are?" he challenged.

I drew in a slow breath. "I am Lucy, Queen of Narnia, sister of Peter the High King and Queen Susan and King Edmund. I was the first to find Narnia. When I love, I love with all my heart, and when I love I believe. That's why my faith—my faith in Aslan, in Narnia, and in my siblings—is so strong it's unshakeable. That's why they call me valiant. The only thing I'm truly afraid of is a life without hope. I know who I am, Caspian. This is what I hold on to when I got back to my world, for this is who I really am. I have to know."

He leaned forward and kissed me all at once, so quickly and so deeply that I was quite breathless when he pulled away. "Tell me who you are, Caspian."

"I am the luckiest king Narnia has ever seen. I am even luckier than King Peter, for blessed though he was he was not expecting his greatness. I prayed all my life to see Narnia restored, and I have. I even had a role to play in that myself." He lowered his eyes, thinking a moment, and when he raised them to meet mine, they were shining. "Yes," he said, "I am lucky indeed. Even though my life was sad at first, I have seen all my dreams come true, even the ones I thought most impossible. The woods awoke; Old Narnia thrives again. I have sailed almost to the very end of the world. I called the four monarchs from the past, and they answered. But…I carry my father's name, the name of almost all the Telmarine Kings. I wasn't raised in Cair Paravel by the sea, but here in this cold stone castle. I was taught to fear the ocean and the woods. I wonder if being raised Telmarine I can really be a part of Old Narnia as well."

"Do you not carry Susan's horn at your side?" I cried. "Did you not sail with Edmund? Didn't Peter knight you? Don't you love me? How could any true Telmarine lay claim to these things? Your fears are false, Caspian, and you are letting doubt deceive you."

He took my face in his hands, searching my eyes with his. I think that if could have spoken he might have said "I find myself with you," or "You show me what I ought to be," for there was that much wonder in his dancing eyes. When I lowered mine because seeing myself reflected so brightly was too much, he kissed me. He moved so that he was on the chair with me, holding me tightly. We were so close that I could feel his stomach rise and fall with his breath. He stroked my hair, then he kissed me again. I wanted to twine my whole body around him, but that old fragility rose up like bile. I pulled away, and I found that I was shaking.

His arms were sure, and he put his lips to my ear and murmured "Lucy, Lucy. Let me love you as I should have from the start. Let me show you." His whisper sent a ripple all the way down my spine. I realized this was the Caspian I had wanted when I kissed him in a field of flowers, and I had already arched my neck when he bent to kiss my throat. I sighed and touched his cheek, his hair. I felt dizzy, like I was falling. I knew there would be a moment when I hit the ground, but I could hardly think about that anymore. He was so close and so warm. "Just…go slow," I breathed.

He did. The first couple of times he moved with such urgency and such insistence that I didn't even have time to understand what was happening. He didn't even give me the chance to look at him properly, and I felt as though he scarcely looked at me. I certainly couldn't feel the pleasure that made him bite his lip and moan. But that time I started to feel it. I realized how soft his lips were, how strong his arms were. Some strange shudder passed all the way through my body, the beginning of something. I didn't want him to stop. He didn't.

Somehow we discarded our clothes and I could run my hands over the smooth muscles of his back. Now that I could see him properly I thought that Caspian's skin was golden. He was warm to the touch like gold as well. I was so fascinated I couldn't stop touching him. I was only thinking of my own curiosity, and so I was surprised when I made him say my name with a small moan. He moved his hands over me and I gasped involuntarily. "I feel I can't take much more of this," I whispered, brushing my lips against his as I spoke, "But I don't want it to stop."

He raised his head then and looked into my eyes. "The Silver Sea," he murmured, a smile of wonder blooming on his lips. "You know."

I nodded and drew him close for a kiss, smelled the salt and the Caspian-smell on his skin, melted into him. I knew all he did after that, because he showed me.

Afterwards we lay close together. His eyelids fluttered, but he didn't fall asleep. When I thought he might, he would kiss me gently or rub the small of my back and give me a lazy smile. I ran my hands through his hair, which made him stretch with lazy pleasure. "Now that you have made love to a Queen of Narnia, do you still think you are a Telmarine?" I teased softly.

He gave me a sheepish grin, and I kissed him gently. "Sometimes it is a good thing to admit you're wrong," I informed him.

"Then I shall say I have been sorely mistaken," he said. He looked into my face and added a little more gravely "On many counts."

I kissed his nose. "All is forgiven. What is the proverb? Only a wise man can call himself a fool."

He laughed a little and nodded.

"Edmund came up with that," I said, "And he first said it to Peter." I arched an eyebrow, and Caspian blushed honestly and hid his face against me. I held him to me then lifted his head and looked into his eyes. I reached behind me and found his tunic, which I pressed to him. "Come. We are going to clear all this up with Edmund and Eustace."

He took the tunic but squirmed a little. "What shall I say to them? I'm afraid I've behaved terribly. I never meant to yell at Eustace; he's been such a good friend. And I'm afraid Edmund is very displeased."

"If you made it up to me, you can make it up to them. They'll know you're sorry. Besides, I think there's work to do now, and we've got to do it together as always."

A/N: I am so, so sorry it took me so long to post this chapter! At first I thought I was on a roll. I started this chapter right after I finished the last one and made excellent headway up until Caspian and Lucy are together in his old room. I didn't think they would sleep together so soon, nor did I expect Lucy to be upset about it, but as soon as I took up her voice, she told me what was going on. A writer must obey the characters; we're merely chroniclers. I realized, however, that they were stuck fast in a bog and I had to get them out of it. That took considerably longer and a lot more drafts and some hair-tearing. All said, I hope this was worth the wait. Even if it wasn't I want to hear your thoughts. Hopefully now that I've got nothing to do all day but write I'll be able to churn out the next chapter (which I think will be in Eustace's voice, in case you were wondering). Thanks for following me and this story this far!