Heyo!

Genre: Comedy

Characters: Zer0 and Gaige

The fic is a little bit further down, but first...

Just A Side Note

Let's just get this out of the way. As far as I'm concerned Zer0 is one of a number of things, and no, you can't prove any of them. Even that one head that shows Zer0 as a robot is called N0t Cann0n. So, nobody knows. Here are my favorite opinions on the subject of what Zer0 is...

1) Zer0 is a normal freaking human who happens to like haiku and is good at killing people. Deal with it.

2) Zer0 is actually a human who is mutated by slag, hence his apparent four fingers and two to, as well as his freakishly tall stature.

3) Zer0 is an Eridean. We don't actually know what they look like so it is a possibility. It would also explain why he's looking for the Vault. You know in case you didn't believe his Echo recordings.

4) Zer0 isn't really real. He could be a hologram that's more advanced than the one he uses to draw enemy fire.

5) Zer0's actually a woman. Just because I'd like to see the face of every fan of Borderlands when Zer0 takes off his helmet and he is actually a she with long flowing hair.

6) Zer0 is two midgets in a costume, because why not?

7) He's a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Which also explains the lack of five fingers and toes.

8) (My personal favorite) Zer0 is a Japanese Robot Ninja from the Future. Specifically built by an older Gaige and then sent back in time to help the Vault Hunters defeat Handsome Jack. Why? Because Gaige is awesome and obviously she would own a time machine. So fuck your logic.

Anyway like I said you can't prove any of those.

Zer0 and Gaige New-U

"Come on Zer0 let's go." Gaige half said half whined.

Zer0 ignored her and continued toward the Fast-Travel Station.

The two of them were headed to clear out a bandit camp. Gaige had wanted to go all day but she hadn't been able to find a partner to go with her. Maya and Axton were already out doing something, Krieg and Salvador had disappeared to god knows where, Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai were all busy doing something together and that had left only one choice; Zer0. After a little begging and pleading and a few death threats, Gaige had managed to convince the assassin to join her.

"Come on Zer0 let's go." She whined again.

Zer0 ignored her and selected the destination on the Fast Travel. There was a blur of light and the two Vault Hunters digistructed.

When they arrived at their destination Gaige and Zer0 noticed that something was wrong. They had both digistructed just fine, but apparently there was a mix up in the system, because the first thing that Gaige noticed was that she had a helmet on her head and that her clothes had gotten a lot tighter.

"Uhmm... Zer0?" Gaige asked. "Why am I wearing your suit?"

"I can't answer that/why am I wearing your skirt/it's a mystery." Said an oddly feminine voice.

It was at this point Gaige turned around and looked at the assassin. To say she was surprised by Zer0's appearance would have been an understatement. Standing next to Gaige was an incredibly tall woman, with blue eyes, and long flowing dark brown hair, wearing a perfectly scaled up version of Gaige's outfit. Needless to say it took a moment for Gaige to respond to that.

"Uhmm... Zer0, is that you?"

"Uh... Yes. Yes it is." She responded sheepishly.

"So... You're a chick?"

"Yes I am."

"And you didn't tell any of us why?"

"I didn't think I needed too?" She half answered.

Gaige just kind of gave her a weird look.

"So any idea what happened?" Zer0 asked.

"Why aren't you speaking in haiku?"

"Huh?" Zer0 said confused.

"You normally speak in haiku. You just sort of... Stopped."

"Oh... Well that's just sort of a part of the whole mysterious assassin thing. Plus it annoys the crap out of Maya. But since I'm no longer the mysterious seven foot tall, faceless harbinger of death I figured I could stop."

"Oh... I suppose that makes sense."

"So any idea why we switched outfits?" Zer0 asked again. "And why your clothes suddenly fit me?" She added.

"Well, my guess is that the Fast Travel glitched when reconstructing us. So you ended up with a scaled up set of my clothes and I have a scaled down set of yours."

"Makes sense I guess." Zer0 said. "Is there any way to fix it though?"

"Nothing that I can think of. At least, lot unless it glitches again when sending us back to Sanctuary. But I doubt it would happen twice."

"In that case can we head back now? I kind of want to change back before the others see me."

"It's not like they'd recognize you. You're not wearing your mask or your suit. Heck you don't even sound the same." Gaige paused a moment. "Why don't you sound the same?"

"There's a voice modifier in the helmet."

"Awesome! How do I turn it on?"

"Just select the setting on the heads up display."

"Cool."

Gaige then went silent for a moment presumably trying to turn on the voice modifier.

"Ok I think it should be working- Oh my god I sound awesome!" She said in a low robotic tone. "This suit is the best thing ever! Can I keep it?"

"No. I need that."

"But it's so awesome."

"Gaige I don't care how awesome you think it is. It's mine and I need it."

"Not until you pry it from my cold dead hands!" And with that a :P flashed across the helmets visor.

"Damn it Gaige! Alright I'll tell you what. If you help me get back to the HQ without being seen I'll let you keep that suit. It's not like I can fit in it anymore anyway..."

"Awesome! I'll help you out. But first I gotta try something. Hold on a second."

Gaige climbed to the top of a nearby shack and crouched down on the edge of one of the corners.

"I'm Batman. I am the night." She said holding the pose.

"Very funny. Can we go now?"

"Sure. I'm good."

Gaige hopped off the top of the building down next to Zer0. The two of them input the destination as Sanctuary and were digistructed by the Fast-Travel.

The two re-materialized in Sanctuary a few moments later.

"Damn it." Zer0 said. "I'm still wearing your clothes."

"Like I said it probably wouldn't glitch twice. Now come on, you don't want to be seen and that means we should probably get back before the others do."

"Good point, let's go."

The two Vault Hunters made their way to the Crimson Raider HQ without anyone noticing them. Gaige opened the door and peaked inside, it looked like Tannis was somewhere else at the moment.

"Come on, I don't think Tannis is home. We should be able to go right in."

They did exactly that. Tannis wasn't in her lab but they weren't going to wait around for her to show up. So they quickly made their way up the stairs. Zer0 quickly ran into her room to get changed and Gaige was about to do the same when Tannis came around the corner.

"Ah, hello Zer0 I was just looking for you I-" Tannis stopped mid sentence and simply stared at the Vault Hunter. "Did you get shorter?"

Rather than answer, Gaige quickly ran into her room and shut the door. Tannis stood confused in the middle of the hall for a moment before deciding that it wasn't worth her time to ask questions about it. She had more pressing matters to attend too. (Actually that depends on whether or not your definition of pressing matters includes ceiling chairs).

Meanwhile at Control Core Angel

"I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! All I had to do was make the Fast-Travel glitch itself. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Now I know Zer0's identity! This is the single greatest day of my existence as an AI unit!"

Handsome Jack's image flickered on the monitors in Control Core Angel.

"Angel, dear, what are you rambling about?"

"Nothing dad!" She said.

"Alright if you say so... I have to go save Pandora from the bandit hordes now, behave yourself."

"Yes dad."

The monitors flickered off again.

"Now..." Angel said to herself. "What am I going to do with the rest of my day?"

She thought about it for a moment and then got an idea. "I wonder..." She thought out loud. "It was easy enough to glitch it once... Maybe if I just re- route this..."

Meanwhile Back In Sanctuary

Maya and Axton reconstructed at the Fast Travel Station in Sanctuary. They had just gotten back from clearing bandit camps in Tundra Express. It had been a tough day and right now Maya was looking forward to going back to the HQ and relaxing. That was of course before Axton said something.

"Uhmm... Maya? Can I ask a question?"

"Yes?" The Siren said.

"Why are you naked?"

Angel: "Well I was aiming for Axton but close enough."

Author's Note: I cannot stress enough to you that these one-shots are unrelated. In other words, don't just assume that Zer0 is always a chick from now on. If it's a story with fem-Zer0, I'll let you know.