Chapter 10: I Want to Die as Myself
I look down at my feet, avoiding Katniss' eyes and embarrassed. I sneak a look at the screen and see Katniss with her mouth open with surprise and protest. My heart sinks. Of course. I was stupid for thinking she might actually love me too. Great. Now she hates me. Why did I follow Haymitch's advice anyways? She stares at the floor when I look at her.
"Oh, that is a piece of bad luck." Caesar says with actual pain in his voice. I know that the Capitol citizens are humans too, but I'm surprised that he feels sorry for a tribute.
"It's not good." I agree lamely. Of course it's not. The girl I love hates me, I'm going to die, and I have to join the Careers. My damned life sucks, I know.
"Well, I don't think any of us can blame you. It'd be hard not to fall for that young lady. She didn't know?" Great, more questions about my love life.
"Not until now." I shake my head. I look at Katniss and her cheeks are bright red.
"Wouldn't you love you pull her back out here and get a response?" Caesar asks and the audience screams with assent while I think, No! I'm scared he might actually let Katniss come up here and hurt me more than she knew. "Sadly, rules are rules, and Katniss Everdeen's time has been spent. Well, best of luck to you, Peeta Mellark, and I think I speak for all of Panem when I say our hearts go with yours." I sigh quietly with relief and the crowd roars, making my sigh inaudible. The audience settles down and I feel a lump in my throat. Katniss hates me now. I choke out a thank you and head back to my seat. We stand for the anthem and every camera is trained on Katniss and me. After the anthem, we go back into the Training Center lobby and onto the elevators. She makes sure she avoids me and goes into a different car than me. I sigh and go into an elevator, riding up to the Twelveth Floor. The District Two tributes are in there, glaring at me.
"Hey Lover Boy, why don't you tell us how your girlfriend got that eleven?" I don't bother correcting him because I didn't think it would matter.
"I don't know."
"Really? C'mon Lover Boy, out with it." He glares. The doors open before I could answer and Cato and the girl (Clove, right?) walks out, with one last glare at me before the doors close. I finally arrive on the twelfth floor. I step out and I feel someone pushing me. Hard. Taken by surprise, I lose my balance and crash into an urn with fake flowers. It shatters into millions of pieces and I fall into the shards. I feel a stabbing pain in my hands and I see the blood splattered on the floor. Injured before the games, great. I look up to see Katniss, who is absolutely enraged.
"What was that for?" I ask her.
"You had no right! No right to go saying those things about me!" She shouts and I'm astonished. I knew she would be mad, but not this mad. The elevators open again and everyone steps out.
"Did you fall? Did you fall?" Effie asks two times.
"After she shoved me." I say as Effie and Cinna help me up.
"Shoved him?" Haymitch asks, turning to Katniss.
"This was your idea, wasn't it? Turning me into some kind fool in front of the entire country?" Where the hell did she get that from? But I have to defend Haymitch who had helped me gain sponsors for Katniss and me.
"It was my idea." I say, wincing as I pull the spikes out of my palm. "Haymitch just helped me with it." Haymitch looks at me curiously.
"Yes. Haymitch is very helpful. To you!" And surprisingly, I don't feel mad at her. But Haymitch is a different story.
"You are a fool." He says, disgusted. "Do you think he hurt you? That boy just gave you something you could never achieve on your own." Haymitch defends me.
"He made me look weak!" Katniss argues.
"He made you look desirable! And let's face it, you can use all the help you can get in that department. You were about as romantic as dirt until he said he wanted you. Now they all do. You're all they're talking about. The star-crossed lovers from District 12!" Haymitch shoots back.
"But we're not star-crossed lovers!" Katniss yells. And my heart breaks right there. What did I expect? Did I really expect her to love me back?
"Who cares? It's all a big show." Not for me. I think bitterly. "It's all about how you're perceived. The most I could say about you after your interview was that you were nice enough, although that in itself was a small miracle. Now I can say you're a heartbreaker." Tell me about it. I think. "Oh, oh, oh, how the boys back home fall longingly at your feet. Which do you think will get you more sponsors?" Katniss looks uncomfortable and shoves his hands off her shoulders. She steps away.
Cinna walks over and puts his arm around Katniss. "He's right, Katniss."
"I should've been told, so I didn't look so stupid." She says.
"No, your reaction was perfect. If you'd known it wouldn't have read as well." Portia tells Katniss.
"She's just worried about her boyfriend." I grumble, not sure why I said it. But the words are out.
Katniss blushes and says," I don't have a boyfriend."
"Whatever. But I bet he's smart enough to know a bluff when he sees it. Besides you didn't say you loved me. So what does it matter?" I don't know why I said this but it was true. And it will always be true. She'll never love me. Her anger fades away and it's replaced by worry.
"After he said he loved me, did you think I could be in love with him, too?" She asks. Why does she want to know?
"I did." Portia says. "The way you avoided looking at the cameras, the blush." Everyone agrees.
"You're golden, sweetheart. You're going to have sponsors lined up around the block." Haymitch says.
Katniss turns to face me, embarrassment on her face. "I'm sorry I shoved you."
"Doesn't matter. Although it's technically illegal." I shrug.
"Are your hands okay?"
"They'll be all right." I say, but they're throbbing, and I think numbness was starting to spread. There was a silence and then a delicious smell fills the air.
"Let's eat." Haymitch says. My hand really does hurt but I don't want anyone to worry too much about me. But soon, my hands hurt like hell and it's bleeding all over the place so they take me for medical treatment.
"Ah, the boy in love." The doctor grins as I walk into the room. "What can I do for you?"
"I tripped and fell into an urn." I say. "And my hands are bleeding. The doctor nods and gets to work and I wince once in a while. He wraps my hands in bandages.
"All better?" He asks and I nod. "Good." Then he lowers his voice. "I'm cheering for you and Katniss." He says.
"Thank you." I say.
"My pleasure." The doctor says and I walk to dinner. They have finished dinner and I see guilt cross Katniss' face. I eat dinner and we watch the replay of the interviews in the sitting room. My heart pounds as I watch Katniss up there. Everyone (including me) assure Katniss that she is charming but she doesn't seem to believe us. I watch my interview and after I confess that I have a crush on Katniss, I see her. She's blushing and she looks confused but she is beautiful as always. The anthem plays and after it's finished, the screen goes dark. The room is silent. I ponder over whether I should or shouldn't join with the Careers. I sigh. Haymitch hasn't been wrong yet, so I guess I'll do it. Effie takes Katniss and me by the hands with tears in her eyes and wishes us well. She thanks us too, for being the best tributes she's had. And she adds, "I wouldn't be surprised at all if I finally get promoted to a decent district next year!" She then kisses us both on the cheek and hurries out. Haymitch crosses his arms.
"Any final words of advice?" I ask him.
"When the gong sounds, get the hell out of there. You're neither of you up to the blood bath at the Cornucopia." I feel slightly confused, but the message is clear. Get away from the blood bath and Cornucopia. "Just clear out, put as much distance as you can between yourselves and the others, and find a source of water. Got it?" Haymitch says.
"And after that?" Katniss asks.
"Stay alive." He says like it's the easiest thing in the world and we both nod. We go out and I go to see Portia while Katniss heads to her room.
"Portia?" I ask. "Can I talk to you?" Portia turns.
"Sure Peeta, what is it?"
"About the interview. Do you really think that Katniss loves me?"
"Deep down, an unconscious part of her does. I can tell." She says and my heart flutters.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. I'm rooting for you, boy in love." She winks and heads off. I feel so much better but tomorrow that'll all end. Instead of heading to my room, I head to the roof. I stare at the crowd. I think about Katniss, home, Katniss, Padric, Katniss, Erik, Katniss, star-crossed lovers, Katniss, the Hunger Game, and Katniss. I just couldn't get my mind off of her. Then I start thinking about my inevitable death, and I worry that I'll be a monster that the Capitol created when I die. And more than anything, I want to stay true to myself.
"You should be getting some sleep." Katniss says. I hadn't noticed her and I start but don't turn.
I shake my head. "I didn't want to miss the party. It's for us, after all." She sits beside me and she squints to see the outfits.
"Are they in costumes?"
"Who could tell? With all the crazy clothes they wear here. Couldn't sleep either?"
"Couldn't turn my mind off."
"Thinking about your family?" Or Gale? I think.
"No. All I can do is wonder about tomorrow. Which is pointless of course." My hands are in an awkward position and she seems to notice. "I really am sorry about your hands."
"It doesn't matter, Katniss. I've never been a contender in these Games anyway." I sigh.
"That's no way to be thinking." She says.
I think about what my father told me when I was younger. Don't let the Games disgrace you or change who you are, if you are Reaped. Fight, but don't change son. "Why not? It's true. Mt best hope is to not disgrace myself and…" I hesitate. Should I tell her? Will she understand?
"And what?" She presses.
"I don't know how to say it exactly. Only… I want to die as myself. Does that make any sense?" I ask and she shakes her head. Of course not. But it's too late to turn back. "I don't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not."
She bites her lip. "Do you mean you won't kill anyone?"
"No, when the time comes, I'm sure I'll kill just like everybody else. I can't go down without a fight. Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to … to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their Games."
"But you're not. None of us are. That's how the Games work." She argues.
"Okay, but within that framework, there's still you, there's still me. Don't you see?" I insist, wondering why I brought it up in the first place.
"A little. Only … no offense, but who cares, Peeta?" And this gets me angry.
"I do. I mean, what else am I allowed to care about at this point?" I stare into her beautiful grey eyes, waiting for an answer.
"Care about what Haymitch said. About staying alive." She says, taking a step back.
I look at her, sad that she doesn't understand. "Okay. Thanks for the tip, sweetheart." I don't know why I called her that but the damage's done. She looks like she's been slapped.
"Look, if you want to spend the last hours of your life planning some noble death in the arena, that's your choice. I want to spend mine in District Twelve." I want you to go back to District Twelve, too. I think.
"Wouldn't surprise me if I do. Give my mother my best when you make it back, will you?" She doesn't notice my mistake of saying when not if.
"Count on it." She says as she leaves. I turn back but as I do, I see a shadow move.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Lover Boy." Cato sneers.
"What do you want?" I sigh, exasperated.
"Your girlfriend's secret." He growls. "I know you know it."
"I'll make you a deal." I say, avoiding the topic. "You let me join and I'll help you find her." I say. And Cato thinks about it for a while.
"Fine, Lover Boy. But one wrong move and you're dead." He snaps before leaving. I hope Haymitch is happy. I head to my room and get 4 hours of sleep. I wake up and Portia comes in and gives me a simple outfit to wear.
"Morning, Peeta." She says. She walks with me to the roof, where a hovercraft like Katniss described appears. I place my hands and feet on the ladder and I'm frozen, glued to the ladder. A woman in a white coat comes in, carrying a syringe.
"Hello, Peeta. This is your tracker. Please hold still as I place it." She inserts the metal device and I feel a sharp, but quick, stab of pain. The ladder unfreezes me and the woman smiles sadly.
"We wish for the best for you and Katniss." She says before she disappears. An Avox comes in and it's the girl. She takes us to a room with breakfast and I sit down and eat. Later, the windows darken and I wonder where Katniss is. The hovercraft lands and we go to the Launch Room, a.k.a. the Stockyard. I don't notice much, as I worry for Katniss. I get dressed in the clothes I'm to wear into the arena. Portia tells me to walk around, see if it fits. I follow her instructions.
"Yeah, it's fine." I say.
"Then, let's wait for the call. Hungry?"
"No, thank you." I say as I sit there. A long time later, a woman announces it's time to launch. Portia looks at me.
"Good luck, Peeta." She says with tears in her eyes. "You'll do great, I know it." And I stand on the metal plate, waiting for my death. "Remember what Haymitch said. And always know that I'm cheering you on."
"Thank you Portia." I smile gratefully. Then a glass cylinder lowers and I'm confined. There's no way out. The cylinder rises and my eyes are blinded by the sunlight. I feel a strong breeze as Claudius Templesmith announces the beginning of the Games.
"Ladies and gentlemen, let the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games begin!"