I don't think there's much in thic chapter that isn't angsty. So, prepare for a barrage of angst and sad/upset Dean. (Don't worry, it will get happier!)
In the darkness, I couldn't see anything. The land around me was pitch black – I didn't know where I was, or what was going on, or where anyone was. But I knew I was alone. I didn't want to be alone. I swung my head around, searching desperately in the shadows for anyone. Anyone, just someone to come out and make me feel like I wasn't alone.
"Sam?" I yelled "Dad?" But no one came. There was nothing; just the silence of the darkness. Not a sound except the echoes of my shouts. I ran, yelling every name I could think of. But still no one came. I ran, and ran, and ran, until I couldn't run anymore. My stumbled, as my legs shuddered under me. I didn't know how long I'd been running for. I didn't know what I was running to, or from, or what the hell I was doing at all. All I knew was that I had to find someone. I didn't want to be alone anymore.
"Sammy! Dad!" I shouted as my legs finally gave way and I fell to my knees. Rocks, shards of glass, needles and knives stabbed me as I dropped, tearing into my knees and ripping them apart. I could feel the blood rippling in a pool around my legs, the pain spiking as I steadied myself on my hands. Pain tore through them as well, so much pain. I felt like the darkness around me was closing in, surrounding me and choking. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move except to keep calling my family's names and hope that someone could hear me.
"Someone! Please!" I screamed, begging. Please, just someone come and not let me be alone anymore. I don't want to be alone, don't make me be alone, please, I'm begging you. Someone.
"Don't beg. Never beg, it's pathetic." I know that voice. Looking up, I see my father, staring down at me impassively. I try and scramble to my feet but my dad pushes me down again, back to my knees. I cry out in pain, and he gives me a look like he's disappointed. He doesn't let me speak, he interrupts. "You don't want to be alone?" "No," I whisper "I don't. Please don't go." He sneers, angry and snarling, "Don't go? You're the one who left." I looked away. I couldn't look at my father now, after what I'd done. I could feel tears stinging at my eyes and I tried to blink them away, force them to leave me alone. I wouldn't cry in front of my father.
"You broke everything up when you left, Dean," Dad continued "You broke up the family. Now you can pay the price." "Dad, please..." I was begging, on my knees, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go home and be with Dad and Sam. Be a family again, no matter how screwed it was. "Don't beg. You can suffer for what you've done." He started to walk away, and I reached out desperately for him, crying out for him not to go. But he just kept walking, his back to me, without a second glance.
"Dean?" Sammy's voice rang out loud and clear, and I saw him standing in front of me surrounded by a halo of light. Dad had stopped, was watching the pair of us. I stretched out a bloody hand, willing my little brother to take it and not leave me. He couldn't leave me, not after all I'd done for him. But he took a step back out of my reach, looking at me with hurtful, wide eyes. "I wanna go home." "Sam! I wanna go home too!" I yelled as he walked away towards Dad. My father took Sam's hand and they started off, away from me. The light started to fade.
"No!" As I collapsed on the ground, begging for them to return, they vanished into the darkness and left me there alone. Agony flashed through me as the sharp knives, the needles and the rocks, the shards of glass, all slashed at me, trying to worm their way inside and shred me from the inside out.
"Sammy, I'm sorry. I wanna go home. I'll take you home, just please don't leave me here alone." The darkness and shadows swallowed me, the light disappearing forever and strangling me until there was nothing left.
Dean started awake, wet tracks streaking down his face. He wiped them off, blinking away the last traces of tears. In the darkness of early morning, Dean could still hear the faint echoing of his own sobs, his father's voice and Sam's saddened plea. He breathed in deeply, keeping his mind from wandering back to the nightmare. He closed his eyes, but all he saw was his father's face, pushing him away. Dean sighed, a shaky breath, and slowly looked to his right. He half-thought Sam was going to be gone. Maybe his nightmare hadn't been a dream, maybe Sam had disappeared and left him all alone.
But there he was, asleep on the couch. His bangs fluttered with every even breath, and he was so peaceful when he slept. Dean stood up carefully from the pile of blankets on the floor that constituted his bed and slid up onto the couch beside his brother, being careful not to wake him. It was a small couch, but big enough to fit two boys side by side, one scared and alone, the other oblivious to it all. Dean wrapped an arm around his brother, feeling calmer almost instantly. The feel of Sam's steady heartbeat under his loose hand was comforting, and just having his little brother this close was enough for him to realise that he wasn't alone. Ever. Sam grabbed the hand resting over his chest, hugging it close to his body. He still didn't have Dino back, and Dean's hand was the next best thing. Dean smiled tiredly.
He wondered if this was how Sam felt when he rested his head on his big brother's shoulder. His big brother, who he looked up to and saw as a superhero. Who never got scared, was always brave. Dean wondered if the sense of security that he felt now, holding his brother like he'd never let go, was the same feeling Sam felt as he fell asleep on his shoulder, hugging him tight. Just thinking about sleep now was making his eyelids heavy again, tied down with lead weights trying to drag him into dreamland. He didn't want to go, he wanted to stay away from the nightmare that was taunting him at the edges of his mind. But he couldn't hold back from the wave of tiredness that washed over him, so he gave up and let himself drift off.
/\/\
"Dean?"
Dean awoke to the sound of Sam saying his name, softly and quietly. He opened his eyes slowly. Sam was looking at him over his shoulder, eyes curious. Dean smiled, shifting a little as Sam wriggled out from the arm hooked around him. The younger rolled over as Dean sat up, yawning. He looked down at Sam, who rubbed his eyes and pushed hair out of his face.
"Are you gonna call Bobby again today?" Sam asked, his voice sounding a little rough from all the use yesterday coupled with his illness.
Dean nodded, "Yeah."
Sam smiled and sat up, hugging Dean. The older boy couldn't help but smile in return as he hugged his little brother back. Sam mumbled something into Dean's shoulder. When his brother didn't respond Sam pulled back and looked up at Dean.
"Love you."
"Me too."
Dean didn't know why it was so hard to get the words out.
/\/\
For the rest of the day, Dean felt detached from everything around him. That is, until late in the afternoon as he sat watching Sam and Niamh fix Dino. Niamh sewed Dino up, shoving whatever stuffing she could find back into the tattered toy's body. Sam watched with interest, asking questions and helping the young woman in her work. At last she was finished. She handed the mended toy back to its owner. It was a little thinner than before, but Sam grinned, hugging the old dinosaur tight with an expression of pure joy. Sam looked at Niamh with a massive smiled, before launching himself at her and enveloping the woman in a hug.
Something shot through Dean at that moment, seeing Sam show so much affection to someone he barely knew. It hurt. He felt awful, like a horrible human being, a terrible person deep inside. A stab of regret pierced him at the happiness between Sam and Niamh, who was hugging him back with a massive smile.
He knew why he'd obeyed Niamh's request without a second thought. He knew why he felt okay with leaving Sam alone with her. He knew why he felt such regret at the pair's happiness. She reminded him of his mother.
He didn't remember her well, but what he did know was that she'd been beautiful, and gentle, and sweet and kind. She would have loved Sam as much as she'd loved Dean, and that if she were still alive then they wouldn't be hunting, or moving around constantly. They'd live in a proper house, and be a real family. They'd all be happy. It was childish, Dean knew, to want something he could never have, especially something as pathetic and dreamish as that.
Niamh was just like he remembered his mother. Save the appearance, Niamh could have been her, just as she was eleven years ago before she died. And just that fact was killing him.
Niamh and Sam were looking at him now, the redhead with curiosity and worry all mixed up in her grey-green eyes. Dean had to look away, he couldn't let her see how much she hurt him. He didn't realise he was holding his breath to keep back the tears until he felt Niamh sit beside him on the floor, put an arm around him.
"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.
Dean just wrapped both arms around her and buried his head into her shoulder, not crying but on the verge. Neither moved, Dean just trying to breathe properly, and Niamh holding him close.
"It's okay, it's okay."
Please review!