Ten

Today is the anniversary of Nathan's death. I can feel it- or maybe Nathan is reminding me. Either way, I shouldn't tell Peter.

I mentioned the time off-handedly once and he didn't protest with his "this isn't real" argument. More recently, he asked how long we've been here. Months, I told him. He didn't disagree.

I really hope he doesn't ask me now. But I still think I should do something for him. Peter doesn't smile or laugh nearly as much as he should. If I can get him to smile, then maybe we can both make it through the anniversary.

Peter isn't at the wall when I get there. It's nice to see he's finally taking a break. I work quickly so the surprise will be ready when he returns.

When Peter comes back he bears witness to the most creative graffiti New York has ever known. On one part of the wall I've written the words "Kafka was here". Another part reads "All work and no play makes Peter a dull boy". But my favorite part takes up a large section of the wall, centered where Peter keeps hitting it with his sledgehammer.

"I will not beat senselessly against a brick wall" it reads, over and over. Until finally at the very bottom, in big letters: "FU WALL! UR GOING DOWN!"

I can hear him laughing and I smile. It's a wonderful sound. He smiles at me and I give him a little nod.

On Peter's birthday, I find a Doc Savage comic book for him and a stuffed toy dog that reminds me (or Nathan) of Izzy. As we sit together on our roof I ask Peter to tell me a story about his dog even though I know them all.

We don't celebrate New Year's eve. We can't get drunk, so what's the point?

I keep looking for ways to make Peter smile. I don't know if it's Nathan or me who works so hard to see Peter happy.

His apartment is so empty I decide to fill it with Star Wars memorabilia. That gets a smile to flicker on Peter's lips. I put the statue of Rocky Balboa next to the Brooklyn Bridge and Peter's smile gets wider. His laughs are harder to come by, but I have plenty of time to coax them out.

Later I find the plush Izzy in my apartment. Peter must think I need the company more. The gesture makes me smile.