A day early because RL with be real trouble tomorrow :/ ... Enjoy

Ana and I are both sitting on the floor, eating the stir-fry she made. This reminds of when we were in college. Our dining table was always covered in books and papers, so we never ate there. We always ate on the floor and used the coffee table instead. The television plays in the background, but I couldn't tell you what crap was on. I've been watching her- talking about her day, the way her cheeks redden when she laughs, how every time her eyes look into mine with a smile on her face I remind myself how lucky she's mine again.

"This is nice. I missed this." I kiss the top of her head as her head falls on my shoulder.

"I missed it too." She sighs heavily. I know she's thinking about something. She places a kiss on my shoulder and pops her head back up, looking at me thoughtfully.

"I think we should talk," Ana says chomping down on her lower lip and I drop my fork to the plate.

"Talk?" My voice cracks.

Isn't that all we've been doing is talking. But the way she's looking at me makes my heart start beating out of my chest. I couldn't tell you why I'm shaking like a whore in a church, but with everything going on with the blonde and the threats just today alone, has me worried.

She shakes her head and grabs my hand, placing it to her lips. "Yes, talk. I told you last night I think we need to clear the air. Settle every past demon. That way we can move on. Remember no more secrets?"

I breathe out a sigh of relief. I nod the conversation of the night before coming back to me.

"Yeah, of course. Usually, when you would say we have to talk, I was in trouble." I chuckle.

"Not this time." She smirks, "but just another ground rule… we can't get mad at what we tell each other about what we share and after today it stays in the past. I know last night you were still beating yourself up about what happened to me after you left. I don't want that. No blaming ourselves or each other anymore... we clear the air now. Unless one of us remembers something later that's important and we need to share that's different... Agree?"

"Agreed. Ask me anything. I'm an open book this time." I brush my hand through her hair, pushing it off her shoulders, exposing her neck. I hide my smile when I notice a little purple bruise from last night, I didn't mean to, but it was just so hard stopping enjoying the taste of her skin.

"I'm just going to come out of the gate running…. How many Subs did you have after me, and where did you do that in your apartment? So I make sure I never go in there and did you ever give them… More?"

"The big guns huh?" I sigh. In college I told Ana that I had been with other women before, just not how or how many exactly. Only that they weren't anything to me than one or two-night stands. That I never gave a girl more before, gave them a part of me. If I think back, I had that working for me if I had just been honest in the first place.

"Four, well five, but one I never did anything with. She was the first one and I couldn't get up. She's was a masochist and used her to get my pain out, to try and gain a part of me again."

"Only four?"

Four too many if you ask me. Though I'm wondering if she was expecting a larger number.

"Only four. It was almost a year after, I did that. It was a means to an end. They never meant more to me. You were my more. I wasn't willing to give that away. I didn't even kiss them. As terrible as it sounds I used them, and maybe it was in part that I wasn't alone sometimes. Have a meal with someone even if there was never a conversation. I tried to fill the void, but I always knew it was a mistake. I never really belonged in that lifestyle. I knew it. I wasn't a proper Dom, I never did anything to hurt these girls, but my lack of caring for them isn't how a Dom should be and I regret it. I didn't really enjoy it, it was a void filler and there was no way I wanted a relationship with anybody" I sigh and remember just feeling I had nothing to lose and wanted to have some kind of companionship without the love and feelings. "At first I went to this club. It was a huge risk, but they had a good anonymously clause. That's where I ran into Elena. She convinced me after a while that a club was no place for me and would be happy to bring me girls and for a fee."

I see her nose wrinkle at Elena's name, but she doesn't say anything.

I know Ace, she was a pimp and I fell for it all because I stopped giving a shit about everything and myself.

"You had to like something…" she mutters.

"You want me to be brutally honest?" She nods, but I can see her jaw click. "Remember you can't get mad."

"Depends on the words you use…" she grits softly. I grab her chin and have her look at me.

"They were good looking and willing. That's how far it goes. They liked the pain I infected, I could take my pain out on them. I know it makes me this dark monster that uses women, I knew that. But for most men, it doesn't take too much to get going, and honestly, I hate to say it – because they weren't even close, but I would think of you. I think the huge picture on my wall shows that." I release her chin and she nods. "Nobody could compare to you. I tried damn it. But until last month I never saw us here again. Do you believe me?"

"I do."

"Really?"

"Yes…" She says softly. I kiss her gently and her eyes search mine. "What about the rest? The… where?"

"I had this room made up, I called it a playroom. It was pretty basic, I had enough stuff, but not overdone, considering the amount of money I could've put into it. Do you want to know what was there or can I spare you that for now?"

"Spare me, but maybe another day we can talk…" She pushes her hands through my hair and bites down on her lip. "Talk about adding stuff that you like. That we like. I know we tried toys and we both got a thrill with you spanking me in college. I enjoyed all those things and I would want to do them again with you." Her cheeks blush and I don't know if it's from embarrassment or excitement. "I did a lot of searching on the lifestyle when you explained some of it to me. Like I wouldn't mind some things. Maybe you can show me the room, then explain it to me."

"I got rid of the room Ana. After I kicked Haley out, that weekend I had it dismantled. I want you, I don't need anything associated with that room. And the place they slept I also had that completely re-done. They never slept in my bed. Not only because that's way too fucking personal, but they couldn't touch me. And they weren't you."

"I guess they couldn't either with that large picture of me hanging on your wall." She quirks her eyebrow at me a sly smile appearing on her face.

I chuckle, "I couldn't sleep with you...but at least you felt close to me. It helped with nightmares." I tell her honestly. "It's gonna have to come down isn't it?"

She nods, "you might need my face to fall asleep, but I don't."

"I happen to love it." I say and kiss behind her ear "I guess I can put it in my office now."

"It will certainly give the clients something to talk about." She laughs.

"Okay, now, it's mine turn…" I brace myself wondering do I really want to know this.

I don't.

I just know it will haunt me forever if I don't ask. I have this possessive need to know and no clue how I'll handle the information. Owen is already one too many.

"How many guys have you been with?"

Ana scrunches her face at the question, which does not help my worry.

"Twenty…" She answers quickly then looks away from me, picking up her glass of water.

"What?!" I shout, my voice ringing through the apartment. I can't even look at her.

"Twenty? Twenty?" I question a lot softer. My heart stops and my face twists. That many men have touched my woman?

Mine.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I try to steady my breathing, but it's not working and I think I'm hyperventilating. I know I shouldn't be mad….I can't get mad…

But I'm pissed.

Her arm touches my shoulder and I finally look at her again. A growl leaves me when I notice her smirking trying not to laugh

"Oh, Christian. ...I'm kidding…"

"Are you trying to kill me, woman!" I feel as though my heart just exploded in my chest from the sudden stress and relief.

"Maybe." she falls into a fit of giggles.

I tackle her to the ground and start tickling her sides. She's in hysterics, giggle snorts and all.

"That wasn't very nice Anastasia." I nuzzle her neck, "why would you be so evil?"

"Because I love watching you about to explode in jealousy." She says between laughs. "It turns me on…"

I stop my attack and start kissing the sides of her face. "You will pay for that. I don't know how yet, but you will."

"I'm sure I will." She smirks and lifts her head up to kiss me, but I back away and sit back up against the couch, crossing my arms, pretending to still be put off. Though she still answered my question.

"You're denying me kisses?" she playfully huffs and manages to sit back up. She makes loud kissing noises coming at my face, the glint of humor dancing in her eyes. I lift my hand to stop her attacking lips. Her eyebrows snarl in response but her eyes are still dancing.

"No kisses till you tell me the real number."

Anything at this point would be better than twenty.

She curls her arm around mine and lays her head on my shoulder. "You're sexy when you stew too, you know that?"

"Stop stalling…" I give her a pointed look and kiss her forehead, to let her know I'm not mad.

"Two," she answers simply.

I sigh in relief. I can deal with two.

Who am I kidding?

No, I can't.

But I will.

"Well, two in that way. I went on a couple dates, but they never led anywhere. Before Owen I dated this guy, he was alright, but like Owen, I couldn't give my heart to him." She shrugs. "Bit like you I didn't want to be alone and become this old maid with twenty cats."

"Now you don't have to worry about that…I hate cats."

She snorts and elbows me in the ribs.

"Anything else you want to know. This is the time to ask…" She pushes, her arms still wrapped around mine.

"I really don't think I have anything. We already talked about the time after your dad died and how I was an idiot again for not telling you how bad I wanted you." I pause, "I know you lusted after me from afar like I did you… that we were hopeless souls…" She shoves my arm again, almost knocking me down and laughs.

"The both of us have always been complete messes when it comes to our feelings. So, nothing? You sure?"

"I'm sure…do you want to take this to the bedroom now?" I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

"Not yet, I do have a couple follow up questions. That way I can put every nagging thought to rest."

"Shoot…"

"In college when you talked to Elena how much were you sharing with her? And what the heck could you possibly be talking about once a week?"

"I ignored most of her calls, the most I had with her were in front of you. I told you before. As for what we talked about is she would check up on me. Once in a while...okay often - she would ask if I was satisfied. I shut her up and never gave away details of our life besides I was happy with you. Near the end it became about the business, you know she knows many prominent business owners, spread my name around. She wanted to help because I said saw this great potential in me. Kissed my ass whenever she could about it. When she said she would give me the money I took it and I shouldn't have. I should've waited for my trust or my parents. It was what I wanted, and I thought I could have you and GEH. I guess I should've known."

"You know she's going to try something. I feel it. She hates me and especially now that I've taken her away from your clutches again."

"I have someone watching her as well, but you're right I wouldn't put it past her. I hate myself for contacting her again. I was just going down a dark path again, losing all control, Ros was threatening to quit because I became more and more impossible to work with, and much like you, liquor was a drink of choice. I figured in some weird way of thinking it helped once, it could help me again. So, I went to a club, just to watch, and that's how Elena found me. I was extremely drunk, belligerent, and she listened as I blamed her, blamed myself. She didn't bad mouth you once. It was just nice to have someone to talk to again. Then she started reminding me how much the lifestyle helped and I fell for it."

Ana's hand caress my cheek and I rest into it.

"I know. I'm not going to hold it against you. It doesn't make you bad. Just please if I ask will you just promise to be honest with me about it? That way there can't be any surprises and no one can use it against us again."

"Yes, I swear. Back then I was so ashamed, disgusted. Seeing that you saw what kind of monster I was…." She puts her thumb to my lips and cuts me off.

"I don't think you being in that lifestyle makes you a monster Christian. I wanted to understand. The hardest thing was seeing you with these other women, loving it, I didn't think I could be enough for you. I wanted it to all go away as much as you did. But learning Elena was still trying to pull you back, with the money and the company. I knew maybe if you went back, it would be simple for her to play mind games with you. Then you automatically saying it wouldn't work if we were apart kind of fed into those thoughts. Also, I had Elliot telling me how I was going to destroy your dreams, hold you back, threatened me on top of it, and I didn't think you would ever believe that. It was too much. I needed to know everything, so I could understand."

Fucking Elliot. I still can't figure out what his problem was with Ana. I asked him a hundred times why he would want Ana out of my life, and I got nothing more than an 'I just fucking did', or 'she was going to fucking ruin you' and 'We had plans to be great together and she held you back because you couldn't think about anything else than her pussy'." - After that comment, I punched him in the face and cut him out of my life. But something tells me his warped thinking had to do with Elena. I just really have no idea how they got connected, I never saw them together till me and Ana started dating. I don't think about it anymore when Ana starts talking again.

"Okay, my last question. I know you explained some of this before when you told me everything. But I have a clearer mind now, and I guess need to hear it again." She takes a shaky breath "What was it about me that made you stop with the bdsm? Because you were in it, then you weren't. I guess I don't get how I did anything to make you want to stop?"

"It really was because of you. You loved me for me. You touched me and I didn't freak out. It was a sign that I needed you. Sure, sometimes it was hard, or I would tense up, but you made me feel at ease. My mind instantly trusted that you wouldn't hurt me. You're the only one besides my family that can touch me even now and with my family, I still have a hard time. The whole lifestyle at the time I met you was losing my interest. I barely thought of it. I was at college having fun, being in control wasn't a worry. I was getting drunk and doing dares. I went to Harvard and by sophomore year there wasn't a draw for it. Elena was annoying the shit of me and then you came into my life and only you mattered. You were my world. You showed me a different way, showed me I could be loved. I felt human for once. I wanted to forget that I ever did it. I was ashamed. I didn't want you to know because I didn't want you to know that person. I hated him, but at the same time I thought Elena at least cared about me and I could trust her enough." I roll my eyes. "When you found out, my world ended and- I just hated that you knew because then you would always think about it. I knew in that moment I would never be good enough for you…and I already hurt you so much with taking the loan and those pictures Elena gave you. You might have said if I told you it wouldn't matter, but there was no way I thought you could look at me and not hate me."

She nods and moves it my lap and wraps her arms around my neck.

"You made me not care about control, I felt powerful in a different way. Then when you left it all fell apart and maybe it was a nothing to lose feeling. But I was out of control and I needed to get a hold of something…."

"I wouldn't have hated you if you told me. I would have asked a lot of questions and made you give up Elena and the loan. I think that was the hardest part too because I would have asked you to stall your dreams more, even if it was dirty money. That's why I think everything happens for a reason and who knows what would have happened if you told me, but…"

My hand moves to her cheek and brushes the tears falling from her face.

"There's not a day that goes by I wish I stayed naive, maybe stayed with you and broke you down. Followed you to Seattle. I don't know…" she sighs and leans into my hand. "but what I do know is we have our second chance and know what mistakes not to make."

"Never again." I close my eyes tightly, pained by the memories of that December. "I only wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the head, tried harder. I really didn't think you could ever forgive me and when you came back, I proved to you again what a fuck up I was."

Ana grabs the sides of my face, squishing my lips to keep me from talking. "Okay. That's enough. No more going backwards on the what ifs. It's the past and the past is over. I want to go forward with you and I understand a lot better now." I nod.

There's nothing more then I want to do is go forward. I only wish the people trying to keep the past alive would go the fuck away.

She grins and kissing my fish lips.

"I love you…" I tell her through my squished cheeks, so it comes out more like 'I luw ooo'

She laughs letting go of my cheeks, "I love you too."

The both of us lay comatose, wrapped in each other's arms. The only sounds are our heavy breathing. I take this time to look around her room. She has a picture of her parents that's surrounded by some paintings of flowers. I instantly remember those hanging in our old place, her mother had painted them when Ana was a kid for her room. In the corner of her room on a chair, I spy the stuffed dragon I gave her on our first date. Along with what looks like the photo booth pictures, tucked in its hands. I can't believe she kept it after all these years, after everything that happened.

"You kept it…" I'm murmur

"Hmm…." She hums as she snuggles more into me…

"Exhausted, Miss Steele?" I chuckle…

"Yes, you wore me out…" She places a kiss on my chest.

"Good… you need the sleep…" I brush my hands on her shoulder and stare back at the stuffed animal. "Ana?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"The Dragon… you kept it…Why?"

I know I shouldn't have to ask why, but I do. She has it on display, not tucked away and my curiosity wanting to hear her reasons.

Her head pops up and she looks to the corner and a smile graces her lips. "Why wouldn't I keep it? You gave it to me."

"I don't know, I guess I had visions of you burning my stuff because you hated me."

"I never hated you, Christian. I've told you this. I was hurt, but there was never a single moment that I hated you." She brushes her hand in my hair and down my face. "The time away from you sucked, but I think it might have ended up making us better."

"You might be right,"

"We're going forward… not backwards, remember? Now go to sleep. I have this tyrant that I work for, and I need to be well rested to handle him…" She slyly smiles before sinking back into the bed.

"Tyrant huh?" I roll myself on top of her. "That's not what you were calling him earlier…" I wiggle my eyebrows and kiss the side of her neck. She falls into a fit of giggles.

A/N: Let me know what you think...

And l I know most of you are waiting for Elliot's reason to hate Ana. I think most of you have already guessed a reason and yes it does come down to Elena. We might never have allll his reasons- there was some reasons here but more in chapter 12 as well. This is a talk these two need to have I feel. Next chapter takes our couple to New York and something will happen in relation to who ? is... and more fluff- Chapter 12 will bring us Dinner with the Grey's... Thank you to everyone who is following and reviewing. :) it means everything and really helps push me to keep going.

Also as you might know you can find Watching you on Amazon for pre-sale- Link in profile... :)