Chapter Ten: Don't Take Faults to Heart
*"I just don't know Serena. I mean, aren't we… expected to show now?" Molly asked uncertainly.
"No, not in the least! We don't have any obligation to 'show' as you put it."
"But don't you, well, you know, feel guilty?"
"Why should I?"
"Because!" Molly cried out in frustration.
"Look Molls. I see what you mean, but honestly, I just can't go. So I have an idea. It's obvious that you want to go, so just go."
"That's your idea?"
"Yeah. Something wrong with it?"
"Gee, you think?" Molly was beginning to be a little more sarcastic as this conversation deepened. Lately Serena had been such a spas, and now with the lame ideas? Something was bothering her friend for sure. She just didn't know what, or where to begin.
"I really can't see a problem with my idea Molly. You want to go, you go. I don't want to go, I stay. It's simple."
"It isn't so simple! I can't just go without you! It's weird… just really weird!"
"Molly, it's dinner, not a blind date. Trowa will be there. And if worse comes to worse, you can always converse with Duo or Quatre."
"Um, Serena, what about Hiiro?"
"What about him?"
"Well, he usually sits closer than Duo or Qua… I know!" Molly gasped. Serena looked at her startled.
"You know what?"
"Why you don't want to go! This has something to do with Hiiro, doesn't it? Doesn't it! Serena, you can't avoid him forever. He's your friend for crying out loud!"
"Was. Molly, did you see those dirty looks he was tossing my way during class? I know he hates me. I don't want to go anywhere near him. Just go to dinner without me, it's not hard!"
"No way. You have to face this sooner or later, and for my sanity, it has to be sooner. Just ask him what's up tonight. Come on, I'll be with you, backing you the whole way." Serena shook her head.
"Nope, not interested."
"Well, tough luck Serena. You're coming, and that's that!" With that, Molly grabbed Serena's wrist and tugged at her hard, pulling her with her. Serena, being caught off guard, allowed Molly to drag her to the door of the mess hall. Then she put her foot down.
"Molly, I don't want to do this. I just want to…"
"Hello girls! A little later tonight hmm?" Quatre's smiling face popped out or the door. "Sorry. We heard Molly's voice and I assumed you were locked out." He explained.
"Oh, yes, thanks Quatre!" Molly beamed. "Come on Serena!" She smiled evilly, and then pushed Serena in. Serena, being the stronger of the two, caught herself in the doorway and refused to go in.
"No. Molly!" She hissed. Things were not going her way. She just couldn't face Hiiro! Even with all of her smart-alec attitude and style, Serena had never been good with confrontation. She usually ended up either lying or fighting. This could no bode well for the future of the night. No, she did not want to do this right now!
"Serena, Molly!" Duo yelled. "Hey girls! Come on Serena, we won't bite!" Duo grabbed Serena's hand and pulled her in, paying no mind to her resistance. And as much as she kicked and screamed, Duo was still stronger. Duo roughly plopped Serena down atop her usual table, right in between Hiiro and Trowa.
"Hello Serena, Molly. Late?" Trowa blurted out. He was at a loss, with Duo practically pinning Serena down to the table beside him. It just was such a weird scene.
"Hey Trowa. Yeah, but only because of a certain blonde." Molly smiled evilly.
"Molly. One more word, and you'll find out how much I learned in that gang of mine." Serena threatened darkly. But Molly just waved her off.
"Serena, you wouldn't hurt a fly." Duo laughed and let go of Serena.
"You're right. But the fly wouldn't do anything. I might hurt a person who did." She glared. See! Confrontation always brought out her worst moods. Here she was, threatening her best friend now. God she was a bad person.
"Anger is one emotion that will get you no where." Hiiro spoke up. He couldn't understand where all of her hatred was coming from. Was it his fault? Was he the cause of her sour mood? He didn't think he could stand it if he was the one to put the frown on her face instead of the stunning smile she usually wore.
"How would you know? You don't seem to have much of any emotion to go on." Serena spat bitterly. The room went silent. It was the first time Serena had said anything remotely cruel to Hiiro. She had always teased him, but this was different. She had meant her words this time.
Hiiro opened his mouth to speak, but found no words to say. So she was mad at him, this confirmed it. But why? "Serena…" He finally stuttered out. "You're right, I don't."
"Well then. Don't go giving me the typical 'glare' when you have nothing to back it up."
"Glare?" Duo asked, eyes wide. Hiiro never glared at Serena- it was forbidden, it was a sin that no one could get away with, much less Hiiro himself.
"Yes, glare. Just as he's been doing the last week during class every time I do something right! And I'm sick of it. You think you're so tough, Instructor Yui? Let me tell you something, you don't have anything on me."
"I glared once. When you beat a boy within an inch of his life."
"I had a bad day." Serena defended herself.
"No excuse. Killing an innocent because of your rage is in-acceptable."
"I didn't kill him, I severely maimed him. There's a difference."
"Not in class."
"Really? We were told to fight. If he didn't think he could take me, why did he try? We were only doing as told by our Instructor."
"You were told to spar, not fight to the death."
"It wasn't to the death. I would have stopped if that other kid hadn't jumped in. Then I had to take out them both."
"In a blind rage."
"What do you expect? What with Quatre breathing down my fricking neck with his stupid math and Wufei and his damned 'women are insufferable and weak' speeches?"
"If you can't handle it…"
"Oh, I can handle it. I can handle it just fine. How can you handle it? Can you take the pain Yui?"
"No pain, no gain." Hiiro smirked.
"Really?" Serena sat in silence for a moment. Tension rose ten fold in the room. The air was so thick and heavy that it seemed to add five extra pounds to the shoulders of everyone witnessing the high-staked argument between the star-crossed children. It became hard to breathe, no one wanted to move and disturb the scene that play before them. Then the silence broke, but not with sound.
Serena's hand ever so slowly began to move towards the table. As she reached the napkin, she bypassed it. She bypassed the fork and spoon, and then the plate of food. Her hand slowly crept all the way to the knife, and when she had a firm grasp on it, she brought it towards her.
"No pain, no gain, right Hiiro?" And she carefully slit her arm, between her wrist and her elbow. Molly gasped. As she made the incision, her red blood welled and then began to trickle from the thin slice. The thick rivulet soon poured down her arm, and dripped to her legs and the table below her. "I suppose now I have the pain. Where's my gain?" She smirked.
"Damnit!" Hiiro swore. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" He yelled. Pushing Trowa and Molly out of the way, he grabbed Serena's hand and the closest napkin. Holding the cloth to her gash, he glared darkly at her. "Why did you do that?"
"You told me no pain no gain. I just tried to take a short cut is all."
"Suicide is not pain for gain, it's a coward's way out!"
"Suicide. Suicide? Suicide!" Serena screamed as she realized what Hiiro was saying to her. "This was not a suicide attempt. As much as I hate my life, I would never do that. I was merely hoping to prove a point!"
"A point by slitting your wrist?"
"By giving myself a tiny cut."
"It's not tiny, and you've proved nothing."
"I proved you wrong. I have pain, but no gain."
"Then maybe that's you're gain, that you've proved me wrong. So you've really proved me right." Hiiro answered. Serena sat with her mouth in the shape of an 'o'.
"Whatever." She finally responded. "My arm hurts like hell Hiiro." She smiled.
"Serves you right."
"Make the pain go away?" He could see her eyes glaze over, but her voice never faltered, and her smiled never fell. Hiiro nodded, then gathered her in a gentle hug. Though she was unable to hug back in the position they were in, he felt her lean in towards him. When he pulled away, he decided enough was enough.
"Trowa. Take her and Molly back to their barracks. Make sure you tend to that wound properly." He said gruffly. No girl was going to make him soft.
"Yeah, sure Hiiro." Serena watched Hiiro turn and leave, but said nothing. Confrontations always ended poorly, after all. But for some reason, this one didn't feel resolved as the others usually did.
"Serena? Can you walk?" Trowa was asking her.
"Yeah, I'm not an invalid, I'm fine. Doesn't even sting." She smiled widely, but knew in her heart it was a lie. She stung all right, but nowhere near her cut. It hurt more in her chest, where she could feel a heavy pressure beginning to weigh down upon her heart.
Serena allowed Molly and Trowa to escort her back to their barracks. She let them scold her and make a huge fuss over her. She let Molly deal out a deck of Go Fish to show there were no hard feelings between them, and she let the others all eye her warily, none of them too sure what had happened, or why Trowa and Molly were so worried over her. She let everything happen easily. And then she let the lights go out.
Two hours later, Serena sat up in her bed. Sleep wasn't coming tonight. Her goddamned heart ached too much for sleep. She tried taking a sip of water from the cup Molly had left for her earlier. It didn't help. She tried counting sheep. Nothing. Then she tried to stay awake, and though trying to stay up usually knocked her out faster than anything, it didn't work tonight. Finally, she sat up and swung her bare feet over the edge of the bed. She knew what she had to do to be at peace with herself. Grabbing nothing but her locket, she looked around the room.
"No." She spun around to see Trowa sitting against the door to his room.
"Don't you ever sleep?"
"Later. My answer's still no."
"Trowa…."
"No."
"Hear me out. I need to do this. Please? I have to."
"Why?"
"That's the crazy thing. I don't know why. Please?"
"You owe me."*