I really had an incredibly hard time getting back to FORCED, because I had just finished COLLARBONE P6, and clearly it's a complete 180. The transition from that fiction to this one was probably the reason why it took as long as it did to get this out. I really hate jumping between the two because it's insane—really fucking emotionally insane—but I did it anyway so you guys can be aware that I haven't forgotten about it. (Trust me. It's on my mind every day. I assure you, I can't forget!) It's also part of the reason why I was 'neglecting' COLLARBONE for such a long time and I kept posting FORCED. In order to get this chapter done I had to lock myself up in my room a few times and contemplate this to pieces—because I did put them in incredibly hard positions—I even questioned the merits of self-worth and entitlements of shame brought by guilt, just to see beyond that in hopes of doing justice to Annie's psychological conflict in this chapter. Which I find to be incredibly real and honest. Not to mention I'm also poking Mikasa's feelings and mental process in the BG that basically gave me an immense questioning moment that at this point has undertones of 'Social Psychology' to even 'Attribution'; which I'm starting to see is at the core of this Fiction. Because this is still an internal deconstruction of the two, and above all feeds off its hosts which are Mikasa and Annie. To put it in simple terms 'anything they do and feel, whatever the result is, that result makes another chapter', that's what keeps me going—that and I'm fucking curious myself—I really try to put myself in their shoes that I tend to go to such lengths in hopes of getting a better understanding to do a decent writing. I even went into an elaborate conversation my other psychological majors about what things mean in certain situations and what they could be interpreted under the wrong mindset, and the horrific results that came with it. Let's just say it blew my mind, at how clever this can be if done right. Which makes me really excited about FORCED's future. I'm really hoping you guys get to see it later on. The real trick here is to put it into words for everyone to understand. And not just understand it, but relate to it and make it have meaning and focus on what I'm really trying to say. And this is basically where my frustration is at its core as the author of it. Someone once asked me 'what am I trying to say, what do you want out of it' and I wasn't sure how to answer that. It wasn't a stupid question. What I can honestly say is that I'm trying to do something different that I don't think many writers are focusing on. And that's the building blocks of any relationship, how we get there. Answering the whys. Out of the few fictions that I have read on Tumblr, none focused whatsoever on their relationship, it's was just fan-service. And I have questions that aren't going to be answered by reading some of them, which is one of the reasons why I rarely venture outside my blog. And I think that's ultimately the reason why I'm writing this fan-fiction still. Because I still have questions. Once again my writing style shifted because of COLLARBONE, apparently it changes with each passing chapter of madness regardless of what fiction I'm working on, and none are ever the same. Hopefully it's for the best and it's more enjoyable. As usual, I feed off your comments.
Annie eyes bolt open gasping for air waking up rather violently than her usual calm demeanor. Bad dream? She's uncertain about it, but she won't allow herself to recollect any of it—if any—because waking up only to try to recollect fragments out of your imagination; is truly the worst thing you could do so early in the morning since it's just a perfectly good waste of a time. Annie has to seriously reconsider these words since they were parallel to her father's. To her knowledge, her father didn't have time for petty things, and laying about thinking about your dreams is definitely one of them. She remains frozen in place staring at the ceiling knowing full and well that her body isn't at the same speed as her brain is. It hasn't recovered from her deep slumber. Annie makes mild attempts to adjust her eyes to the darkness around her, knowing she has woken up earlier than anticipated, and wasn't going to make much of an effort to seek any sunlight coming in anytime soon.
Sleeping isn't an option. Annie knows that once she opens her eyes it'll cease to be. And the last thing she really wants is to waste time on twisting about inside her covers trying to fall back to sleep knowing that it was futile. Trying your best to deceive oneself that you're tired is as wasteful as thinking about dreams. Two crimes in one hit must never happen at once. Especially when you know better, Annie. She needed to remind herself of that.
I could just lay here, until then... Her mind trails off as the soft snores in the distance loom around the room, filling her ears as if it was a soft melody to sleep again. Only she doesn't mean to. Her eyes bolt open as she hears a loud snore capture her attention glancing to her side remaining in place still.
—or maybe not. She quickly makes that input sighing inside as she sees that it was Sasha who made that disturbance and a part of her envy her because she appears to be in complete utter bliss under her covers, perhaps the only trainee that actually enjoys sleeping. Annie never seriously wonders about that, she knew that people needed rest and that was it. Her mind didn't go beyond that. Whether people suffer or enjoy was foreign to her. Sasha's presence serves as a reminder that some things never change. Her whereabouts made yesterday non-present for a moment. But that's child's play. She makes a face to that and sits up finally, drowning all of the snores out of focus doing her usual routine of rubbing her eyes wide awake knowing that going back to sleep is futile. My mind won't let me. And I won't lie here listening to… this.
Annie had gone to bed with her clothes on, it had its perks, she didn't need to waste time getting dressed up. She didn't require vision for this procedure that she has performed hundreds of times. She knew exactly how they felt at this point, where the strings were, where the buckles are placed. Everything. She fastens them on being discreet as possible and allows herself to fully emerge from her bed blinking a few times noticing that her eyesight was getting better. Just as quickly, acting on reflect, she obeys her sudden urge that has built up inside her and focuses her entire attention to Mikasa's bed. Her heart starts aching as everything comes rushing back to her about the ordeal she had put her through yesterday. She walks slowly over to her and Annie isn't sure what to make of the cold beauty resting peacefully before her. Much like her, she sees that Mikasa did a poor job removing any of her clothes.
But Annie isn't going to disrupt her sleep, she isn't going to make a scene, and she utterly refuses to let her win.
That much she is certain. Mikasa's ripped scarf catches her attention the most. A message? Her expression peculiar all of a sudden focusing closely on it. I doubt he died. Is she trying to say something? She quickly dismisses those thoughts knowing they can lead anywhere aimlessly with no further Intel. The scarf ultimately isn't really any of her concern, it was what it was, and now that was ruined, any meaning behind that could only be her best guess. She was bothered by the way Mikasa had gripped on to it earlier, and she assumed that she was doing it because she felt weak, that she lashed out on her for it. Who would save you now? Annie wondered with her tone condescending, but masked with curiosity in her mind. She is curious about that. Not that Mikasa needed any rescuing. She knew that if Mikasa had shoved her off, Annie wouldn't had been able to straddle her long enough to lash out the way she did. For that she was also grateful. It delivered a good night's rest. I should thank you for that. She purses her lips a bit dismissing her latter assumption of his untimely death to be the reason why it's in shreds; for Mikasa looked very peaceful in her rest for anything vile to have happen to him. He was her family, and Mikasa wouldn't be able to sleep if it that was the case. But it isn't. He is very much alive, very much in your life.
She trails off feeling discomfort by just thinking of that actual fact and surrenders her stare to Mikasa, looking peacefully at her in utter silence allowing her chest to hum softly to the sounds of sleep around her. No one knows. No one knows what we did. Not a single soul in this room. All resting peacefully minding their business, sleeping away, wasting time chasing their dreams.
Annie scoffs at her inner monologue, that's more sinful than what I was going to do, she makes that input as her eyes trace Mikasa's delicate features.
—was going to. It starts echoing in her mind, knowing full and well that Mikasa prevented that from happening.
If only she'd let me.
If only.
A part of her starts to feel this rush because of the secrecy of it all, that they were in fact inches away from actually sleeping with one another, that's not even themselves could have guessed it. It was a little bit overwhelming for her. If only—She swallows hard as she pushes her bangs back looking frustrated and confuse once more feeling herself get flustered.
Annie peers into her secret, which took a manifestation in the form of Mikasa, passing her memories and secret life for everyone to see. Even her own secret didn't know about her other secret.
Tsk.
She bites her lower lips knowing that she's been troubled more than expected.
Staring at her, that's what this is. Staring at my secrets, watching sleep away. If only it was that simple. If only they were this quiet.
Mikasa's soft snore was the loudest secret she ever shared with her in this very room. Among all of these sleeping bodies full of life, not being aware of anything at all, not having recent collective memories of anything that happen before, if only if they knew—would I be judged? Her heart race quicken. Shame was something she never considered as a possibility of her recent actions. She had other things in mind that she couldn't back down on it anymore as much as she wanted.
Little by little, it was creeping up behind her back, up to her neck, sending shivers all over, and the reality of it all making her heart race at full speed. What this was really becoming as her feelings start intensifying as images of her advances start flashing across her mind feeling a mild daze. It was shame. And desire. The joy she felt to be near her once more. And she couldn't allow herself to enjoy it.
Am I not allow to? She questions softly feeling sorrow fill her insides little by little knowing the answer to it already. She swallows hard.
What should've been my greatest joy, has become my greatest shame.
—Shame. There it was. Annie wasn't shameful for what could had happen between them, she was shameful because she believed she could allowed herself to feel joy. She felt shame to think that she could be an exception to her crimes and be happy about it. It's shameful to think about when you don't deserve it.
This is what it was at her core. Her reality echoing in her head. Her vision becomes blurry knowing that she is staring at someone who gave her hope. Misguided feelings. Someone that has shown her genuine affection of kindness. Her ignorance, of not knowing the real me. She knows that's what it was. For Mikasa would never accept someone like her. Wasn't she just looking for some meaningless tryst? Annie wasn't certain, she had assumed she was the second time she grabbed her. But it was now so painful to think about. She bites down hard on any tears making their way out, feeling her legs fidget, her throat aching as she balls her fist trying to regain her former composure. The last thing you need is to be make a scene, wake someone up, and have them question you why you're here, standing next to Mikasa's bed, crying above all else so early in the morning, and you'd have to lie your way out of it to regain some of your dignity back.
What a wretched hassle. And it is. She quickly cleans out her eyes and sees that her thoughts are searching for something still. Unable to pinpoint her finger on it, one comes crashing at full speed. 'Annie'. Her eyes bolt open and takes a step back feeling her entire body shiver. Someone's calling me? She glances to her side hoping that she wasn't expose to this.
Annie.
There it was again. It sounded so clear in her mind that she could swear that Mikasa is calling out to her. She stares back at her once more and sees that it can't be. Mikasa was still peacefully resting before her.
Annie. She lets out a small gasp as she the realization of it all comes crashing down to her. It was the sound of Mikasa whimpering out her name that was ringing in her ears. No one was calling her. A reaction that slipped out of her mouth earlier. Why this thought? Why now? She parts her lips and lets her hand free fall to her side feeling her heart speed up at an alarming speed. Goddamnit.
She wasn't expecting to be reminded of something like that so early in the morning. She feels herself coming unresolved, her mind being ravel by impure thoughts, suddenly the noises around her became louder, closed eyes becoming open, feeling as if everyone is staring at her secret, at her desires, letting her know that they know everything. Her private secrets and thoughts exposed out in the open for all of these sleeping bodies to observe.
She parts her lips as she exhales feeling cage much like before, seeing images swirl around her head, and a step back. Then another slowly as she starts to ball her fist trying her best to gather herself.
—Annie.
Completely shaken by that thought piercing her mind, she quickly bolts out of the room. She knew that she had shown Mikasa affection, long enough to have her whimper out her name.
For that, she felt shame.
Final Note: I'm going to add this for now on in all of my future fictions, because I want to make a few inputs about what you just read for better clarification. Especially with the way I ended this chapter. I normally would make a post about it later on, but if you're not following me, you'd never know. So to make it less troublesome, I'm going to do it here. I like to think I do a pretty decent job at not spoiling anything specific in my 'intros' or 'Word of Gay', which I always type up at the end of each chapter. What I want to discuss is actually that final sentence. The way Annie feels about shame isn't exactly what many are thinking it means in this context. Nor the way that I'm using it. It's the most peculiar thing that I really find fascinating when I actually wrote it. Basically, she likes the fact that she got a response by her, in such intimate fashion; that it brings her joy. And because it brings her joy, she feels shame about it. Yeah, wrap your head around that for a minute. I did explained it earlier as you read along that it makes a little sense now. As much as I would love to discuss this from my point of view, I'm going to spare you the immense wall of text of why I did things in such fashion. I just hope it makes sense to you all. Because it does to me. Greatly for some reason. Thanks for reading.