Disclaimer: Gundam Iron-Blooded Orphans is owned by Sunrise/Bandai. Mass Effect is owned by EA/Bioware.

Chapter 8

"Let's go over it one more time."

Vass rolled his eyes, but indulged Vorhess' paranoia as he shrugged into the chest piece of his hardsuit. He nodded as he began snapping the hard outer armor pieces into place around his arms. There was no denying that it had been years since he participated in an covert operation, never mind something of this magnitude, so he tolerated the Batarian's insistence on repeating equipment checks and going over the final phase of the plan.

"Alright," Vass said, sitting on the bed in his sparsely decorated quarters, one of the few perks of his position. Milena Dantius might've been an amoral businesswoman with no regard for life besides herself and a few chosen others, but she recognized that keeping crucial employees happy made them less likely to stab her in the back. If it weren't for the Thrill Seeker's limited amount of personal cabins, Vorhess would've likely gotten one of his own. "Are you sure that it won't trip the trap now?"

"It's on diagnostic mode for the next fifteen minutes and won't receive the signal," Vorhess replied, activating his omni-tool. "My omni-tool will though."

Vass sighed and pulled up his own omni-tool, scrolling through a list of files until he tapped on a seemingly random file. Vorhess' omni-tool began beeping immediately, while a green light began flashing. The Batarian nodded. "We're good so far."

"Excellent," Vass muttered as he snapped the arm plates into place. "Now, are the other arrangements complete?"

"Once you trip the trap, the control and sensor overrides will go onto active standby for two hours. Just use the same activation hot key on the bridge and they'll kick in." Vorhess picked up two squat cylinders that were only an inch or two thick. "These things should knock out everyone on the bridge in seconds."

"Excellent." Vass sat on the edge of his bed to put on the leg pieces, then looked up. "How did you get them out of the armory?"

His Batarian compatriot just laughed. "These are from my personal stash. I keep a few of these things around for when I go off-ship in rough and tumble areas. It's easier to get crooked cops to go easy on you when you just knock people unconscious."

"Well, I appreciate the sacrifice," Vass replied, securing his leg armor. "It'll be well worth it, should we succeed."

Vorhess raised an eyebrow. "If we succeed."

"Better to assume that there's a chance we'll fail, no matter what we do," Vass replied. "If we assume the plan's going to succeed, we might miss tiny little variables that could change the outcome."

The Batarian didn't buy it, but simply shrugged as Vass got off his bed and headed to the door. "Good luck with your dinner date."

"It's Milena's date, not mine," the Salarian shot back with a smile. "But I appreciate the sentiment."

And with that, he effortlessly walked to the waiting shuttle; at this point, his higher brain functions could no longer exist and he'd still be able to do it on sheer muscle memory. He was the first passenger in, giving him plenty of time to observe Milena Dantius and Hastia Iallis, who was joining them on this trip, as they boarded the shuttle; their guards were noted, but were ultimately irrelevant. Even in the most dire of scenarios, he wouldn't have to directly face them.

A quick, routine shuttle trip later and they were aboard the Hammerhead, where things definitely diverged from the norm. The usual suspects were there, namely Orga, Naze, and the usual guards, but there was one new addition: a brown haired, brown skinned human female in a tight red dress that showed an almost Asari level of cleavage. In fact, Vass almost swore he saw looks of envy from his Asari companions, but he might've been seeing things.

"Milena, Dr. Vass! It's a pleasure having you aboard again." Vass continued to be impressed by Naze's apparent sincerity. Keeping up such a façade when faced with such pressures was difficult, but he made it seem absurdly easy. He gestured to towards the woman. "This is my wife, Amida."

"It's such a pleasure to meet you," Dantius said, firmly shaking Amida's hand. "I'm not at all surprised to see that Naze married such a beautiful woman."

"He's always had good taste," Amida replied with a small smile, "except when it comes to liquor."

There was a polite smattering of laughter, but in a moment of unexpected unity, he and Orga just rolled their eyes.

"Milena," Naze said after Iallis was properly introduced, "you remember that I dinner offer we had to postpone?"

"Of course."

"Well, I've had my chefs make a meal worthy of the occasion," Naze continued, with a somewhat apologetic expression on his face. "The food isn't the best I've had, but it's the best I've had on a ship. If we were on Saisei, Mars, or Earth, we'd have the all the freshest ingredients available."

"Oh, that's fine," Iallis cut in. "After a year and a half of eating the same stuff, this will be a culinary revolution by comparison."

There was another smattering of laughter before the whole group began winding their way through the Hammerhead. Vass joined in the idle conversation on the way, but never let it fully occupy his attention. He kept his attention on Dantius and Iallis, watching their reactions. As far as he could tell, they suspected nothing… so far.

Their destination was a new compartment, roughly the same size as the room Naze usually met them in, and decorated in much the same way, with one major exception – the middle of the room was dominated by a long wooden table with accompanying chairs. The chairs were on rails, a subtle sign that the ship was a combat vessel – civilians rarely bothered to secure furniture on their private vessels.

As everyone settled into their seats, with Naze at the head of the table and Milena at the other end, various scantily clad women, all wearing white coats, blue shorts, and crop tops began laying out plates, glasses, and utensils. Vass was somewhat amused by how nonchalant the humans were about it, while his Asari companions were trying hard to not treat the women like Asari maidens. But he couldn't pass up an opportunity to subtly needle Milena and throw her off balance – she'd be dead soon enough.

Once the women filled out, probably to get appetizers and drinks, Vass asked, "During the vaccination process, I noticed that your crew is exclusively women. Is there some reasoning behind that?"

Naze smiled. "Well, it wasn't like it was hard to find a lot of women with experience working in space. In fact, I met Amida because I was looking to hire a mercenary with combat experience."

"Really? Do you go through phases like we do?" Iallis asked. The baffled expressions on the humans' faces led her to add, "We Asari generally go through three phases in life. The maiden stage, where we go out into the galaxy and do various jobs – such as mercenary work, the matron stage, where we settle down and raise families, and the matriarch stage, where we come sages and leaders."

"You could say humans go through something similar," Amida admitted as the other women returned with wine bottles and little blocks of meat and cheese. "But it mostly has to do with your job or how much money you have. If you're poor, you go where you can get work, and if you're rich, you can afford to start a family whenever you want."

"We've got white zinfandel, right?" Naze asked the serving girls. "I think our new friends would appreciate something a little sweeter."

"While I appreciate the sentiment," Milena said with a small smile on her face, "I think we can handle the best you've got."

Naze shrugged. "Alright, you heard her. Now, what were we talking about?"

"Your crew is all women," Vass replied as one of the women poured some wine into their glasses.

"Right," Naze nodded. "Did I mention that all the women on this ship are my wives?"

Milena, who'd been taking a sip of wine when he said that, started choking on her wine, forcing Iallis to slap her on the back a few times. What amused Vass to no end was Orga rolling his eyes when Naze shared that tidbit of information. He clearly knew about Naze's harem and how ridiculous it was, but kept his peace.

Vass, for his part, couldn't keep the amusement out of his voice as he asked, "I suppose this is another hold over from your Calamity War?"

"Apparently it is," Naze replied, once he was sure Milena was fine. "Or at least the legal precedent for it. I don't think anyone back then married as many people as I have."

The Asari politely nodded while sharing a glance usually reserved for when male Krogan boasted of their virility.

When the main course finally arrived, the conversation shifted towards the food (some cuts of meat from a creature called a cow, along with various vegetables) and its origin, Earth. Naze and Amida went on at great length about some place called Lanzarote, where they apparently did some business; Vass found that the wine barely numbed his senses enough to make this tolerable. His photographic memory, a blessing of the Salarian species, would ensure every bit of information would burn itself into his brain, whether he wanted it to or not.

Then came dessert – chocolate cake.

What started as a civilized conversation about the origin of chocolate quickly devolved into a grotesque spectacle. As soon as the Asari tasted the cake, they began shuddering and moaning in near orgasmic pleasure, to the point that all the non-Asari felt an uncomfortable amount of disgust and confusion. But Vass's brain was already plotting ways to use this newfound discovery to his advantage, even as Milena Dantius and Hastia Iallis raved about the chocolate.

"You know," he interjected, "it'd be a shame if our fellow officers couldn't partake in this incredible delicacy."

"I kkkkknnnnnnooooowwwww," Iallis replied, wobbling a bit as she turned to face Dantius. "We should totally bring this back for the rest of the girls."

Naze, to his continued credit, seemed to realize what the Salarian's angle was. "I could put that in a box for you…"

"That would be greaaaaaaaattttt." To her credit, Dantius at least managed to sit still in her chair, even if she couldn't keep herself sounding professional. "Hastia, you and Vass should definitely take this cake to the rest the girls. They'd love it."

"That sounds like a splendid idea," the Salarian said, just barely managing to keep his smile a polite one. "Although it sounds like you won't be coming along with us, Captain."

"No, I have some… two on one negotiations to make with Naze and Amida here," Dantius replied, smiling just enough to not look sleazy.

This is far too easy, Vass thought, taking another sip of wine. But it would be nice for everything to go according to plan for once.

Today was just like any other day for Fumitan Admoss. She was handling the communications station on the Isaribi's bridge, as usual. Eugene Sevenstark, the ship's XO and deputy boss of Tekkadan, was pacing on the upper level of the bridge, but that was a minor detail that didn't warrant much attention.

While Fumitan was supposed to be Kudelia's maid, she also served as the ship's communication officer, simply by virtue of having the proper training. The fact that no one on the crew thought it was odd that she'd know how to operate said equipment, in her estimation, boiled down to the fact that a group of child soldiers wouldn't think too hard about anything not related to survival. And so far, that had proven depressingly accurate.

In fact, there was a reason she had the proper training to operate this equipment – she was secretly employed by Nobliss Gordon to ensure Kudelia arrived at a certain location at a certain time. Her access to the comm system was crucial, and so she'd been trained to use it, but under the assumption she'd be a relief operator. Now she was the main operator, which made things much more convenient, but meant she also had unforeseen responsibilities, like training Tekkadan children on how to use the equipment.

Another one was whether or not to update Nobliss Gordon on the alien business. Her orders had been very specific – unless Kudelia's safety was at extreme risk, she was not to endanger her cover by making contact outside of scheduled check-ins. But she felt that the existence of aliens was something he would be interested in… and would probably penalize her for not mentioning it as soon as possible. She wrestled with what to do in her spare time, never finding an answer, just more reasons to put the decision off.

A beep from the console drew her out of her reverie. She looked at the console, and as soon she turned her head, Eugene was there, leaning over to look at the display.

"Is it Orga?" he asked.

"It is," she confirmed, slightly annoyed by the intrusion into her personal space. Not a bit of it showed as she tapped the speaker button.

"Hey, Boss, is it time?"

"It's time," Orga confirmed. "Are Akihiro and the others ready?"

Eugene snorted. "Are you kidding me? They've been waiting for you to get back and get this thing started."

Orga chuckled. "Yeah, well, I wasn't the one holding things up."

"Lemme guess, Naze was trying to impress the blue chicks—"

"No, that wasn't it, but they were part of the problem. I'll tell you all about it when this is over."

"Deal." Eugene's expression turned serious. "Don't get yourself killed, Orga."

"Right, like you don't want my job," Orga teased. Before Tekkadan's second in command could respond, he added, "Don't worry. If everything works out, we'll be in and out without a problem."

With that, Orga cut the connection.

"Goddamn it, Orga," Eugene growled, pulling away from Fumitan. "You just had to be the cool guy again."

When Fumitan just looked at him, eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer, he added, "Believe me, you don't want to know. Hell, I wish I didn't know."

He plopped himself in the captain's chair, and left her to her thoughts, which were more conflicted than ever. But for some reason, she felt like things would be better if Nobliss Gordon didn't know what was going on here…

Dr. Vass felt Hastia Iallis press up against his side, and for the fortieth time since he got the cake box, he rolled his eyes and mentally multiplied the first ten squares.

"Come on, Doc, just let me have a sliver of a slice," the Asari officer begged. She was trembling a bit, a symptom suspiciously like withdrawal from narcotics.

When Vass first received the box, he read the omni-tool's translation of the labelling, which read DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE FROSTING. He had no idea if this "chocolate" was some sort of human narcotic that they had immunity to/tolerance for, or whether it was just a narcotic for Asari in such heavy concentrations. But he could do without the negative side effects, especially since there was no way to escape chocolate – if a human transport captain on the edge of their territory could access it, it was likely to be plentiful closer to their homeworld.

"No, Hastia," he said, gently patting her arm with his free hand. "The Captain said we should let the rest of the senior officers have a taste. And we're just a few minutes away from having that happen, so all you need to do is wait."

Thankfully, the shuttle came to a stop a few seconds later, touching down in the hangar bay for the second since they made contact with the humans. There was a small crowd of crew members waiting to hear the latest gossip from the big dinner, but as soon as the hatch opened, Vass took Iallis' arm in his and politely pushed his way through them. He needed as much of that cake as possible intact, and if he stopped, half the Asari on the ship would stuffing their faces with it. He breathed a sigh of relief when he managed to manhandle his charge into the elevator and get it moving before the guards explained the power of the cake.

They managed to make it the wardroom without incident; thankfully, Irissa and Calis were already waiting there. As he settled the cake box on the table, Irissa took one look at Iallis and asked, "What the fuck happened to her?"

"Rija, you just have to try this!" Iallis motioned towards the cake. "It's so good… Goddess knows how we lived without it!"

"Uh huh," Calis replied, reaching into a small cabinet and pulling out some plates. "What's so good about this… what's it called?"

"Chocolate cake," Vass offered as he pulled some utensils out of a wall mounted dispenser.

"It's rich and delicious and… and… I don't think there are words to describe how good it is," Iallis leaned forward and pulled the top off the box. "Just look at it!"

"It's just a brown fucking cake," Calis groused. "What's so special about it?"

"You've got to taste it," Iallis explained. "Once it touches your tongue, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it."

Irissa raised an eyebrow and looked at Vass. "Is this true?"

He shrugged and moved over to the table, handing out the utensils. "I find to be quite delectable, but apparently it's not as good for Salarians as it is for Asari."

Calis served herself a piece of cake, then handed one to Irissa, deliberately ignoring Iallis, who was bouncing in her chair in anticipation. "By the way, where's Milena?"

"She's trying to get in a threesome with Naze and one of his wives," Iallis cut-in before Vass could explain, "or maybe she's going to fuck him and his entire crew."

"Uh huh." Irissa shot a look at Vass, who sighed.

"Naze Turbine's crew is all women and he's married to them all," the Salarian explained, moving over to the cabinets. He reached inside and pulled out the two grenades, which had some sort of Batarian food label on them. He found himself staring at them and wondered what the point was.

"Oh Goddess, Hastia wasn't kidding…" Calis moaned, before Vass recaptured her attention. "What'cha got there, Doc?"

"Vorhess wanted me to pick these up… whatever they are." He shrugged. "We're going to have a little celebration meal in my quarters."

Irissa, who'd just had her first bite of chocolate cake and was trembling uncontrollably, asked no one in particular, "We've had food in there this whole time?"

"I don't fucking know, we never eat in here," Calis replied, shoving a large piece of cake into mouth. "Whatever it is, it can't compare to this."

"I told you," Iallis butted in, finally getting a chance to cut herself a new piece of cake. "If we know how to make this, we'll be the queens of Thessia! No, all the Asari worlds!"

"I'll just let myself out," Vass commented, activating his omni-tool on the way out. He tapped the file as soon as he entered the corridor; several button taps later, he was pumping the room full of nitrogen and locking the door. If everything worked according to plan, then the Asari would die quick, painless deaths while stuffing their faces full of the addictive Earth food. If the situation wasn't so dire, it would've been bizarrely comedic.

Not even five steps out of the wardroom, he was confronted by at least a half dozen Asari, all maidens. They all looked at him with large, pleading eyes, as though he were their father and they were all waiting for gifts from him. It took all of his willpower to avoid sighing and to put a confused smile on his face.

"Now, what can I do you ladies?"

"Well, Doctor," one of them, who he assumed to be the leader, spoke up. "We were wondering… is there any chance of us getting "chocolate cake" stuff? We know you brought some for the senior staff and…"

Vass put on his best sad sigh. "Unfortunately, they've locked themselves in the wardroom with the cake, so no."

Grumbled complaints and profanities escaped the maidens' lips.

"But the human space station may have some, so if you're patient for little while longer, you should be able to get your own chocolate cake."

The maidens turned to each other and began talking about how great an idea that was, with occasional profuse thanks for the suggestion. As soon as they were out of Vass's way, he headed up to the bridge, stopping by an emergency supply box in a small, out of the way alcove for a breathing mask. After a quick check to see no one was coming or going on the same path, he put it on and primed the grenades. The Salarian took a few breaths to steel himself; so much could go wrong here, and he was already in too deep to back out.

Old STG training reasserted itself, his mind racing ahead, plotting contingencies. By the time he opened the bridge hatch, he already knew where to toss the first grenade for optimal gas dispersion. The handful of crew members situated around the galaxy map barely had time to register his presence before he raced passed them, tossing the second grenade down towards the cockpit. By the time he looked back, the first grenade's payload had already filled half the bridge with green mist and unconscious bodies.

A quick check of the bridge later, Vass locked it down and began securing his prisoners, dragging them to the periphery of the compartment. He took stock of the situation: No fatalities, 100% incapacitation, complete control of the ship achieved. Not bad for an out of practice ex-spy who never really specialized in this sort of thing. Once all the crew members were out of the way, he crawled under the galaxy map stations, pulling open control panels and sighing at the huge, heavy objects within.

Now all I need is for the humans to show up, and the final phase can begin.

Author's Notes: Well, that took longer than I wanted, and I'm not 100% happy with how it turned out. But hey, at least I delivered on the people dying thing!

Also, because people (rightly) asked what the hell happened to Fumitan, I figured I should acknowledge that she exists and her really complicated position on the ship.

The chocolate thing is a reference to the Mass Effect/XCOM crossover Psi Effect, and helped me get out of the writers' block that was holding up this chapter. It's kinda pushing the suspension of disbelief, but hey, I figure this fic is where Tekkadan and company get all the good luck that Season 2 stole from them.