Dr. Snowden's office has not changed much since the last time Shepard was there. She dropped Raina and Mia off with Dara this morning so she could see the psychiatrist. The room she is in has one couch that sits three people along with two chairs. What is new this time is that she was given a code to enter the office and if the code does not work she is not allowed entry. It is for the sake of privacy the doctor told her. She remembers from her previous visits that when the appointment is finished she exits out of a different door that leads to a different room. So whoever is in the room right now with the doctor Shepard will never see. She is glad for the privacy. She doesn't really want to deal with the media if they find out she is seeing a psychiatrist. Though now that she is retired and the world seems to have left her alone she still cringes at the thought.
There is a table that contains coffee, tea and water. Shepard gets up from her chair to grab some water. She arrived about fifteen minutes early. She wanted to make sure she was not late and now she is getting restless. Her nightmares have returned. Every night she sees Rajanni huddled in a corner scared out of her mind. And every night Shepard tries to get to her but can't. Every night she is forced to see her friends die over and over while trying to save Rajanni. She doesn't know what her parents looked like so Shepard suspects her mind is just filling in the blanks with her dead friends. It may make sense but that doesn't actually help her.
Shepard is about to sit down with her water when the door to Dr. Snowden's personal office opens. She hears talking but cannot understand what is being said. Shepard looks up and sees the asari Rajanni staring at her with mouth gaping. Shepard freezes. She is not sure what to do. She had no idea Rajanni was here the asari obviously exited out of the wrong door. She sees Dr. Snowden behind her.
"Please come this way," says Dr. Snowden.
It looks as if Rajanni cannot move. Her eyes do not leave Shepard at all. Shepard notices a blue swirl around the asari's hand.
"Rajanni." Dr. Snowden is more forceful, placing a hand on the asari's shoulder.
Shepard stands her ground and does not move.
"Rajanni listen to me," says the doctor.
Rajanni never takes her eyes off Shepard. She stops the blue swirl around her hand.
"Good that's good. Now Rajanni I need you to exit through the other door okay?" says Dr. Snowden.
Rajanni finally breaks eye contact with Shepard and looks at the doctor. She looks a little dazed. The doctor signals to Shepard that she will be a minute. Dr. Snowden and Rajanni disappear into the office again.
Shepard can feel her heart beating fast and she is starting to sweat. She did not expect to see the asari. She sits down to try to calm her breathing not happy with the effect of seeing the asari has on her. She does not notice the doctor or hear her approach.
"Shepard are you alright?"
Shepard looks up, "Huh?" Shepard blinks at the doctor recognition finally coming. She stands and extends a hand, "Yes hello Dr. Snowden."
"I am so sorry about that Shepard. I was writing a few notes and I did not notice until it was too late that she was leaving through the wrong door. I apologize. I assure you it will never happen again." The doctor feels horrible.
Shepard offers a half smile. "It's okay. Honest mistake."
Dr. Snowden returns the smile and gestures for Shepard to enter her office.
The doctor's personal office is the same as Shepard remembers. She still has the same picture of her and her asari bond mate. Shepard was happy to find another human that was bonded to an asari when she first visited the doctor. It helped her to relate more to her.
"So how have you been Shepard?" asks Dr. Snowden. She sits in one of the two chairs that face each other.
Shepard sits in the chair across from her. Her leg is bouncing up and down. She does not answer the question.
"Shepard?"
"Huh?"
"How have you been?"
"I have been pretty good. I have two children now."
"Really? That is fantastic, congratulations."
"Thank you. They are great."
"What are their names?"
"Raina and Mia. Two and One."
"Wow you didn't want to wait long between kids it seems."
"Nah. I think we may have more but Liara needs a break. She started a new career. She is teaching at the University now."
"I heard that. Does she like it?" asks Dr. Snowden.
"Yes she does very much."
"And do you like it?"
"What do you mean?" asks Shepard.
"Do you like that she works outside of the home?"
Shepard furrows her brow. "Of course why wouldn't I?" her tone is a bit defensive.
"I was just wondering."
Dr. Snowden remembers that it takes a while for Shepard to open up. She feels the small talk is no longer needed. "So what brings you here?"
Shepard stands and goes to the window. She wraps her arms around her as if to protect herself. Dr. Snowden remembers this well.
"Shepard?"
"I am having nightmares again."
"What kind of nightmares?"
"The kind that involves your other patient I just saw."
Dr. Snowden has been treating Rajanni for only a few weeks. She knows the asari's parents died in the reaper war but she is not sure how Shepard is involved. "Can you tell me about it?"
Shepard turns to her, "Don't you know? Hasn't she laid it out for you?"
"Laid what out Shepard?"
"She blames me for her parent's death."
"How do you know that?"
Shepard narrows her eyes at the doctor. She cannot believe the doctor doesn't know. "Didn't she tell you about her incident at the docking bay?"
"Shepard what I discuss with my other patients is confidential."
"I understand that I just thought you might already know about it."
"I would prefer to hear it from you," says Dr. Snowden.
Shepard sits in the chair across from the doctor again. "Fine." Shepard looks at the doctor who is patiently waiting.
Shepard fills the doctor in on the incident at the docking bay. How Rajanni had some sort of episode or flashback and how Shepard helped by talking to the asari. She also shared what Rajanni told her that if Shepard had been faster in firing the weapon that killed the reapers her parents would still be alive. So the asari blames her for her parents death and this is when the nightmares began.
"So you feel somehow responsible for her parents death?" asks Dr. Snowden.
Shepard stands again and looks out the window. "There is a part of me that totally disagrees with her. The part that says I did my best and I did all I could do to save the galaxy. But then the other part of me says I should have been faster. If I didn't move so slowly when I was on the Citadel maybe I could have fired the weapon sooner. Then I think about all of the people I could have saved had I been faster." Shepard sounds angry as she opens up to the doctor.
The doctor waits for Shepard to continue.
"So in my dreams I get to see my friends who are dead die all over again."
"Can you be more specific?" asks Dr. Snowden.
"It always takes place in a rundown house. There are human husks everywhere."
Shepard falls quiet for a moment, the doctor does not speak.
"I hear screaming. It rips me apart that damn scream. It shakes me to my bones. It's Rajanni who is screaming," Shepard says as she glances over her shoulder to the doctor.
"How do you know it is Rajanni?"
"She was screaming at the docking bay it is the same scream. She was so scared. Her father told her to hide and she had to hear them die." Shepard fights the heat behind her eyes. Shepard turns to the doctor. "So now I get to hear it every single night helpless to do anything about it."
"You need to let it go Shepard."
"Let what go?"
"The feeling of responsibility. You are not responsible for her parents' deaths. You are not…"
"…how can you say that? Of course I am!"
The doctor waits until Shepard calms down. It takes a few minutes. "Sorry," says Shepard.
"No need to apologize Shepard." The doctor pauses to think of her next question. "Do you feel responsible for how well people are living today?"
Shepard sits in the chair across from her. "What do you mean?"
"When you walk the streets of Thessia do you look at the people and feel responsible for how they are living today?"
Shepard huffs, "Of course not that's ridiculous."
"Then why are you taking responsibility for how Rajanni lives her life?"
Shepard is at a loss. She never thought about it like that. "I just…"
"Just?"
Shepard shakes her head back and forth. "It just threw me is all."
"What did?"
Shepard looks at the doctor. "Usually people thank me for my efforts. But Rajanni, she's the first one I have come across who personally blames me for a loss. I don't know how to stop thinking about it. I mean I can't look at her and not feel some sort of guilt."
"So let's talk about positive thinking again. Have you been doing your daily sayings?" When Shepard visited Dr. Snowden years ago to help her with her post traumatic stress she was given homework to think of three good things she did that day every single night before going to sleep. This is to help with her negative thinking and negative self talk. She was supposed to say them out loud or the write them down no matter how big or small. Some nights she would lie in bed with Liara trying to fall asleep and she couldn't think of three things so Liara would help. She has not done it for well over a year now.
"No," says Shepard.
"When was the last time you did them?"
Shepard flashes her sly grin, "A year maybe?"
"I see." The doctor's tone is even.
"I know I know I should do it every night. I just got out of the habit."
"Well get back into the habit starting tonight."
"I will." Shepard feels like a scolded child.
"In the meantime please know that you are not responsible for Rajanni's parents' death. I know what she said affected you Shepard but you are not at fault. I want you to remember that and say that to yourself after you say the three nice things out loud okay?"
"Sure doc," says Shepard with a smile.
"Okay good. Anything else you need to talk about?"
"Nope."
"How is retirement treating you?" asks Dr. Snowden.
"Good so far. I love staying home with the kids."
"And your wife?"
"She's great. I am so proud of her. Why do you ask?"
"I am just curious is all."
"I am here for the nightmares and that's all."
"Understood Shepard. You do the exercises we discussed and I will see you next week, sound good?" asks Dr. Snowden.
"Sounds good. And thanks again."
"You are welcome. See you next week."
Shepard leaves the doctor's office. She makes her way to her sky car. She feels someone coming up behind her and turns quickly. She is fast enough to block the first blow. Something hits her arm sees a blue hand rise again. This time Shepard throws the person across the parking lot using her biotics. She sees that it is Rajanni and the asari is up quickly throwing something toward Shepard. Shepard dives to her right and throws a blue ball of energy toward the asari. It hits Rajanni and she falls again, this time she does not get up.
Shepard runs toward her to check on her.
"Damn you!" Rajanni yells as she tries to get up.
Shepard did not use her full power she did not want to hurt her. Shepard places her foot on Rajanni's shoulder. "I recommend you stay down." Shepard uses her 'Captain' voice.
Rajanni freezes. She looks at Shepard. "You going to kill me too Shepard? Go AHEAD! You killed me two years ago anyway!"
Shepard gets the feeling again, the feeling of being hit hard in the gut. She takes a breath in and out. She calmly says "I am not responsible for your parents' death Rajanni. I am so sorry they died I really am. But I am not responsible. I did not create the reapers." Shepard manages to keep her calm though inside she wants to scream at the asari.
Rajanni doesn't say anything. Shepard lifts her foot off of Rajanni's shoulder and extends a hand to help her up. Rajanni looks at it then at Shepard. She swats away Shepard's hand and gets up on her own. "This isn't over Shepard, you are …."
Before the asari can finish her sentence Shepard is on her fast. The human's left hand is around the asari's throat before she can flinch. Shepard pushes Rajanni against the building wall. "Don't you even THINK about threatening me Rajanni. You can blame me all you want if it helps you sleep at night. But make NO mistake, I will defend myself to the best of my ability the next time you try to hurt me. And if I see you anywhere near my family or my friends I will end you."
Shepard steps back and lets go of Rajanni after she realizes what she just said to the asari. She will never forget the absolute fear in Rajanni's face. Before the asari can say anything back Shepard turns her back on her and heads for her sky car.
"Hi Ori," says Miranda. The sisters are in the kitchen of their estate. Oriana is cooking dinner.
"Hi sis, what's up?"
Miranda sits at the breakfast bar to watch Oriana work her magic. "I have been meaning to talk to you Ori."
"Oh about what?"
"About our living arrangements."
Oriana stops stirring and looks up at Miranda. "What do you mean?"
"Well I was wondering if you are okay living here with me and Arelia and our baby when she is born. Or if you had other plans."
Oriana crosses her arms across her chest. "Do you want me to have other plans?"
"Not unless you want to," says Miranda.
Oriana rolls her eyes and stirs the sauce again. "What do you want to ask me Miranda? You want me to leave is that it?"
Miranda is already screaming at herself inside. She cannot believe how bad she is doing trying to talk about this. "No Ori look," Miranda lets out a deep breath. "Let me start over."
Oriana stops stirring the sauce again and gives Miranda her full attention.
"I was wondering if you wanted to stay. If you did then I want to suggest something."
"Like what?" asks Oriana.
"Like build a separate entrance for you that leads directly to your wing of the estate. Build a comparable kitchen in your wing replacing what you have now."
"You would do that?"
"Yes of course."
Oriana narrows her eyes at her sister. "You really don't care if I continue to live under the same roof with you?"
"I thought I would," says Miranda. "But after talking with Arelia we both agreed that it makes sense for you to stay. I mean you have your personal lab here. I know I don't want to give mine up and I certainly don't expect you to give yours up. Besides, our place is big enough that it won't feel like we are living under the same roof."
"That's true. Plus I would be nearby in case you needed me for anything like last minute babysitting," Oriana says with a smile.
"And we would not bother each other when we need alone time with our significant others," Miranda says with a wink.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"When are you seeing Mark this weekend?"
Oriana blushes then she turns her back to stir the sauce again.
"Are you embarrassed Ori?" asks Miranda.
"No."
Miranda is not convinced. She gets up from behind the breakfast bar to face Oriana. "I think that sauce has been stirred enough don't you?"
"No. Here you take over while I check the oven."
"What?"
"Oh my gosh Miranda seriously? Just stir it's not going to kill you," says Oriana.
Miranda takes the spoon and stirs like Ori was stirring it.
"So are you seeing Mark this weekend?" Miranda asks again.
"Yes," Oriana says with sarcasm
"What Ori, I think it's great. You two get along very well and I remember how much you enjoyed his company last year at the party for Raina."
"It is easy to talk to him."
"It's okay if you like him Oriana. He seems like a very good man."
"I know. I just don't want to get my hopes up."
"What do you mean?" asks Miranda. She continues to stir.
"What if he doesn't like me or my hours? I mean I work a lot Miranda."
"First of all, he likes you. Believe me he likes you. A person would have to be blind not to notice how he looks at you."
"Really?"
"Yes really. And second," says Miranda. "You do work too many hours so maybe this will be good for you and you will finally cut back on them."
"That's not the point Miranda."
"I suppose you are right. If he is the one for you then he will accept you for who you are and that means the hours you work. You will learn to compromise."
"Oh really?" Oriana lifts an eyebrow. "Have you and Arelia really compromised on anything?"
"Yes as a matter of fact we have," says Miranda.
"About what, which one is on top?"
This gets a slap on the arm from Miranda.
"Ouch! I was just kidding."
"Just for that I am done helping you," says Miranda. She walks out of the kitchen.
"Oh come on Miri, I was just joking." Her sister can no longer be seen. "You know you really need to learn how to take a joke!"
Shepard arrives home with the kids. She hid her injury from Dara when she picked them up. Her left forearm is throbbing. She didn't realize the damage she took until she looked at her arm after leaving Rajanni in the parking lot. She believes a blunt object was used because her skin was not cut but she knows she will have a nasty bruise. She already has a large red mark and it hurts to touch it.
With the kids inside and in the family room playing Shepard is in the bathroom with her first aid kit. She places some medi-gel on the wound and instantly feels cool relief. She hears crying in the family room and quickly makes her way there.
"What is going on?" Shepard asks. She sees Mia on her back and Raina holding a toy. A toy that Mia usually plays with. Shepard props up Mia onto her feet, she remains kneeling.
"Raina tell me what happened."
Raina does not look at her father. Shepard already knows Raina must have done something. Not making eye contact is usually an admission of guilt when it comes to the two little tykes.
"Raina."
Raina looks at her with her big emerald green eyes and pouts. It is hard for Shepard to resist the look her eldest daughter is showing her, but she manages. "What did you do Raina?"
Without saying a word Raina hands the toy she is holding to Mia. Mia holds it close to her chest.
"Raina Samantha T'Soni. You tell me what happened right now."
"I took toy."
"And?" asks Shepard thinking Mia got on her back somehow.
"Pushed her," says Raina.
"So you took Mia's toy and you pushed her down?" asks Shepard.
Raina nods, her lower lip starts to quiver.
Shepard looks at Mia. "Is this true Mia?"
Mia nods her head up and down, her lip too is quivering.
Very calmly Shepard says to Raina, "Thank you for being honest with me Raina. What do you say to your sister?"
Raina looks at Mia and says "Sorry." Then Raina moves closer to Mia and hugs her sister close.
It warms Shepard's heart. "Okay Raina thank you for apologizing. Please go to your room. You are to remain in there until dinner."
"Toy?" Raina wants to know if she can bring a toy.
"No toys now go," says Shepard.
Raina walks into her bedroom with her head hanging down and closes the door. Mia is close to tears. She raises her arms toward Shepard who gladly lifts Mia up into her arms as she stands up. "It's okay honey. She will be okay. She has to be punished for taking your toy and pushing you. It was not nice for her to do that was it?"
Mia shakes her head back and forth.
"You want to play with Da Da before your Ma Ma gets home."
Mia's face lights up.
Shepard puts her back on the floor and sits with her daughter to play as they wait for Liara to come home.