Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass

Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up.

Jacob: It will when you're moving.

browniechadowes: Tee hee, that's what she said.

Jacob: Don't use the back brake, that's for later. Throttle? Gearshift? Ice cube? – Wait, Bella, why did you put that on the list?

Bella: *hums to self*

Jacob: Okay, Don't let go of the clutch. Clutch is a grenade. It will blow you up if you let go. *Jumps up and down on motorcycle looking like a bizarre jack in the box.*

Bike: Snnnarrllll

Jacob: Ease up on the clutch.

Bella: You want me to let go of the grenade? But I'd blow up! Shows how much you really like me.

Disembodied!Edward: *ruffles hand through hair, whipping out mirror to check teeth, blows kisses at self, and takes a deep breath* This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella. Listen to my velvety voice of doom!

Bella: Oh! *crushed under motorcycle*

Disembodied!Edward: *sticks out tongue* I told you so.

Bella's inner monologue: Must hear more. Edward, my lover love, my popsicle of sizzling sexiness was talking to me.

browniechadowes: In your head…

Bella: Beggars can't be choosers. Woo hoo, let's go again.

Disembodied!Edward: Do you want to kill yourself then? Is that what this is about? Goddamnit, Bella, you kill yourself and I won't be able to come back into the story… hmmm, that is a tempting thought.

Stephenie: *tazes Edward and prods Bella*

Bella's inner monologue: I was flying. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. Yesss, speak to me, you sexy multiple personality disorder of mine.

Disembodied!Edward: No, Bella! Watch what you're doing! God, she really was a freaking dense stumblefuck, and yet I love her so.

Bella: Brakes, brakes. *slams foot down on brake Jacob told her under no circumstances to use* Yaaaaa, that was smart.

Jacob: Bella! Are you alive?

Bella: No, Jacob, I have died and an evil spirit is now living vicariously through my corpse, allowing it to breath and talk to you. I'm great. Let's do it again.

Jacob: Um, Bella, you're gushing blood.

Jasper: *comes out of deep brooding and sniffs the air* Blooooooooooood.

Stephenie: *knocks Jasper out and drags him into the pit of discarded characters*

Bella: I'm so sorry, Jacob.

Jacob: Why are you apologizing for bleeding? That's right, Bella, get on your knees and beg my forgiveness for bleeding your own blood. How dare you.

Bella: Don't you want to drink me? No? Well damnit it's not my fault. Old habits die hard, and it was kinda flattering to have everyone want me so badly. I'm fine. It's just a little blood.

Jacob: Just a lot of blood. And I can't fantasize about you properly when you look like a zombie out of 28 Days Later… well, I could try, but bloody sexcapades are just a little too kinky for me. I draw my line at the Rabbit.

Bella: I'm an easy bleeder. It's not as dire as it looks. What in the hell type of teenager uses the word "dire" in her normal vocabulary? Do I look like I tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer.

Jacob: Suuuure…

Bella's inner monologue: So for no reason, since I am merely friends with Jacob Black, I am going to describe his muscles: Looks older than sixteen, long wiry muscles under smooth skin. Skin so pretty, makes me jealous.

Jacob: *trying to figure out creepy stare* What?

Bella: Did you know, you're sort of beautiful. Because I in no way want to lead you on at all. You just are damn gorgeous.

Jacob: Hey, I'm supposed to be the one that gets slightly obsessed.

Bella: I know, I'm just making sure your obsessiveness is complete with unfounded beliefs that I reciprocate said obsessiveness.

Jacob: ? Thanks. Sort of.

Bella's inner monologue: So I drop Jacob off after getting stitches and cook Charlie dinner, shocking. Have some more nightmares a la Disembodied!Edward.

The Next Morning:

Charlie: Keep close to town, okay? *strikes almighty superman pose*

Bella: Oh, the big bear. Do you think there's really some mutated grizzly out there? We all know how fun irritated grizzlies can be.

Edward: *pokes head in and groans* Did you really try to bring that joke back? Just stop while you're behind.

Charlie: Something like that. Keep close to town.

Bella: Sure, sure.

Jacob: *bitch slaps Bella* That's my catchphrase.

Bella: Alright, sheesh. Just thought it was cool. I get sick of repeating masochistic and "It will be as if I had never existed". I mean, those aren't exactly catchy or fun to say.

Jacob: True

Bella: What are we going to do today?

Jacob: Whatever you want. Me. Sex. Rabbit. Garage. Now.

Bella: Let's go to the meadow where I first saw SunSurprise!Edward. It will be fun in a non-creepy, non-stalker, am so over ex-boyfriend way.

Jacob: Cool. We'll find it. I am going to ignore all hints about undead ex-boyfriend and try to be happy and enthusiastic.

Saturday Afternoon:

Jacob: Maybe we'll see the super bear.

Super Bear: Highly unlikely. I am just a clever ruse thought up by Stephenie to hint to readers that a big animal is out there that will in no way be integral to the plot at any time.

Billy: You should take a jar of honey, just in case.

Jacob: Hmmm, honey might come to some good use later. Hope you're fast Bella. One jar isn't going to keep a hungry bear occupied for long.

Bella: I only have to be faster than you. Oh god, I would be the one to get eaten by Super Bear.

Super Bear: Yup, most likely. *takes jar of honey out of Jacob's hand and goes to share some with Emmett*

Emmett: *high fives Super Bear* You fucking rock.

In the woods:

Bella's inner monologue: Okay, I continue to be Miss ClumsyWhore USA traipsing through the wilderness. Jacob whistles, I trip, shadows don't seem as dark as usual. Not with my – okay, Stephenie, are you positive Bella doesn't have a little thing going on with Jacob?

Stephenie: *mock surprise* Bella, whatever can you mean? *taps her behind* Scoot, just move along with the novel.

Bella's inner monologue: Not with my personal sun along.

Bella: How are things… with your ass? Still intact? with Embry? Is he back to normal?

Jacob: No.

Bella: Still fucking Sam?

Jacob: ?

Bella: Still with Sam?

Jacob: Yup.

Bella: Still looking at you funny?

Jacob: Sometimes. *shudders* Sam asked if I wanted to go cliff diving yesterday, sans swimming trunks. We'll save hiking for Sundays from now on. You are really fucking slow. Hope we see the bear tomorrow. I'm sort of disappointed about that.

Bella: *bathing self in sarcasm* Me, too. Maybe we'll get lucky tomorrow and something will eat us!

Super Bear: I'd tap that.

Jacob: Bears don't eat people.

browniechadowes: Bears… beets… Battlestar Galactica. (Sorry, Dwight Schrute was threatening to kill me with num chucks if I didn't put that in there).

Jacob: We don't taste that good. Of course, you might be an exception. I bet you'd taste good. Mmmmm, Bella, nom nom nom. Can't believe I just said that out loud.

Bella: Thanks so much. Why does everyone want to eat me? Why?

Edward: Well, I'm a vampire, but I also love you, so I guess me eating you would have double meaning?

Jasper: You smell like rank strawberries and for some reason that makes me want to drink all of your blood.

Alice: I would never eat you, jut caress you oh so tenderly.

Mike: I just want to eat you out or bite your ass, whichever you feel more comfortable with.

Jessica: I'd eat you to get you to go away and disappear forever, but then I'd probably die from an STD afterwards… If I cooked you all the way through, would that kill the germs?

Everyone: ? Little far, Jessica.

Jacob: I'm pretty sure I don't want to eat you. I was just being facetious…