1 June 1612
We finished the bridge today! Planning and hard work have paid off and it's a fine, usable bridge. I can't wait to explore the other side.
It's funny. When I see him these days, I feel like I'm full of bubbles. I feel like floating, but I also feel how fragile this whole situation is. Any second, needlelike news could pop every single bubble and I would sink again, after letting my hopes and dreams getting so high.
But against all odds, I like the feeling of bubbles. I like feeling light and free and happy. I like seeing him smile and I like hearing him laugh and I just like being around him.
I must be losing my mind.
2 June 1612
Mother was upset today about Father, I think. I can't remember running into a single woman besides Dolora who didn't carry around some burden of sadness. I don't want to be an adult woman because I know I'll have to get married at some point and then I'll be my husband's property. I don't find that fair at all and I certainly don't want to be owned. I am a person, not a possession! I will not be owned!
If I married Sigmun, would he treat me that way? Honestly, I don't think so. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I know him better than most and I don't think he'd treat me like his property.
Oh, and we explored some on the other side of the river today. We followed a deer trail for a bit until we had to head back to get home before dark.
3 June 1612
My entire mind feels like lint. I'm so tired because I didn't sleep a wink last night after I woke up from a nightmare and I couldn't move, I couldn't even open my eyes. I was too afraid to open my eyes. When I did open my eyes, I thought I felt a person in my room, a thief or a murderer or worse, and I couldn't move and I was terrified. After a few moments, I was finally able to move, but I was too afraid to fall back asleep. So I stayed up sewing until dawn. I can't even think straight, and though my friends agreed to stay inside and rest today, I'm still scared to fall asleep.
4 June 1612
I couldn't help falling asleep last night and though I had one of my nightmares, the drowning ones, I woke up and I could move and everything. I'm glad of that, because I don't function well without sleep and I know it.
We crossed the bridge again today and followed a different deer path to a clearing full of berry bushes. They looked fine, but then we took a few back to Dolora and apparently they're nightshade berries. We won't be eating those anytime soon.
5 June 1612
Mother and I had an argument today over some man called David Cooper she wants me to marry.
"Mother, he's ten years older than I am!"
"He'll support you and you can get out of my hair!"
"I can support myself, thank you very much!"
"No you can't! You could never find a job!"
"I have a job, remember? Remember?"
"So you can have a halfway decent dowry, because no man would ever choose you for any other reason! Remember that?"
"How do you know that? Maybe a man will fall in love with me, and not my money!" Which they won't, but Mother doesn't have to know that.
"Don't kid yourself, you useless girl! No one could ever love you!"
"Then why do you bother with me?"
"Because I have no choice, that's why!"
"You could throw me out on the streets! I'd be happier that way!"
"And then where would my reputation be?"
"Nowhere, exactly where being the village drunk woman gets you!" That might've been a little harsh. Or a lot harsh.
"Excuse me?" She slapped me across the face and shouted, "Go to your room! Go to your room and if you dare come out for the rest of the day, you'll get worse! I mean it!"
"I don't want to see you anyways!" I stormed up to my room and slammed the door and now I'm just trying to get this awful weight off my chest by writing. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.
6 June 1612
Tonight we head into the woods to stay the entire night there, or at least try. It's incredibly frightening in the woods at night and I don't want to panic and run away this time. I have a bag packed and everything, but I'm honestly kind of nervous.
7 June 1612
That could have gone a lot better.
It started out not so bad. It was dusk, and we set out bedrolls and everything, and we were going to just sit there and wait out the night, and take turns sleeping.
Then it started getting dark.
It's warm out these days, so we weren't cold, but it was scary and I was shivering.
"You scared?" Simonn whispered.
"No," Sigmun said.
"I'm not," I added. "Not at all."
"Me neither," Simonn said, nodding. "Not scared at all."
We sat there, perfectly still, for a very long time. Until I thought I heard something move.
"Did you hear that?"
"What?"
"Something moved."
"No it didn't," Simonn said. "You're paranoid."
"Am not."
"You so are."
"Sh! Guys!" Sigmun interrupted. "I heard it too."
"What?" Simonn asked. "That's impossible."
"There it was again!" Sigmun shouted.
"I heard it too!" Simonn blurted. "Oh my goodness, oh my—"
I heard a loud, loud noise and shrieked. Sigmun screamed and ducked behind me and Simonn ducked behind him and then we all heard it again and screamed louder. "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Sigmun yelled.
"Agreed!" I shouted, grabbing his hand and running for my life. We ran about halfway home before I realized it. "Wait—our things!"
"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Simonn shouted. We stopped and stood in a circle.
"Not it, not going, I am not going," Sigmun said, shaking his head and tightening his grip on my hand. My heart was already pounding, and now it got ten times worse.
"I sure as hell am not going back there," Simonn said. "Dianna?"
"I hate you, I hate the both of you."
"I'll—I'll go with you," Sigmun offered. "If…if you like?"
"Thanks," I said gratefully.
"And I'll just wait here?" Simonn asked. "Are you crazy?"
"Stay here or come back with us," I said.
"I'm staying here."
"Fine." I ran back with Sigmun and we both grabbed everything we could and then I heard another noise and he screamed and clung to me and I screamed and clung to him and we had everything so we ran back to Simonn, who took his fair share of things from us and ran.
When we got back to Dolora's, we were all out of breath and scared and Sigmun was clinging to Simonn and I and I said, "What the hell was that?"
"I don't know!" Simonn said, panting. "I'm not leaving the house for the rest of the night."
"Me neither," I said. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch."
My friends went upstairs to sleep in Sigmun's room and I collapsed on the couch because I was afraid and exhausted. I'm writing because it was horribly frightening and though I'm certain it was nothing, it was scary.
Dolora sighed and smiled and rolled her eyes rather fondly when we were all home in the morning. Then we went to the place we camped and there was nothing there, except some coyote footprints. So I guess it was a coyote.
I feel incredibly dumb.
9 June 1612
I had the nightmare again last night. This time, he taunted me for hoping, because what was the use in having hope if I was hopeless and everything I'd ever try to do would fail? I don't want to admit how much that hurt, even in a dream. Dreams are awful messes for me, except the very good ones I don't like to think about.
We explored the other side of the bridge today again, even though it was a hundred degrees in the shade. The forest is usually pretty cool.
10 June 1612
I almost died today.
We went swimming because it's burning hot out all the time. Like always, we just dove into the river with our clothes on (because what else do you wear to go swimming) and we were swimming around and Sigmun was doing all sorts of crazy tricks like he can do. He lives right near the river, so he's had the most practice. Simonn likes to jump from the tree branch into the water and splash Sigmun and I. I really prefer just swimming around, though admittedly I can't do any fancy tricks with a skirt on. Sigmun's clothes were all flattened to his skin and I know it's wrong but I couldn't help sneaking glances at him! He's really strong, but not in a sailor sort of way with bulging muscles, just sort of…strong. I hope he didn't notice.
Anyways, I don't know how it happened, but the river can have a pretty strong current some days and today was one of those days. I'm a decent swimmer, but Simonn jumped in and I was treading water by the edge and I got pushed out of this little eddy we swim in and right into the current and my head slipped under and I couldn't stop it. I just remember everything turned shades of blue and gray and I couldn't breathe and everything was shaped funny and I was kind of cold and dizzy. I remember I broke the surface a couple times and I flailed around, looking for something to hold on to, and I tried to scream out so someone might help me. My ankle hit something and it hurt really badly and I tried to scream again but there was water in my mouth and then I couldn't breathe and I fainted.
Sigmun told me that he and Simonn chased me down the river and finally he dove in and pulled me into another eddy he knew about and then he and Simonn got me out of the water and Simonn ran back to the house for Dolora and Sigmun said he thought I wasn't breathing, but I had a pulse, so he kept trying to get me to breathe. The exact opposite of that awful nightmare.
Well, I woke up with my head on someone's lap and someone was screaming and I coughed because there was something in my throat and I blinked my eyes open and I tried to figure out who was yelling. It was Sigmun and he was shouting, "Dianna! Don't be dead! Breathe or…something!" I blinked again and I tried to sit up but I couldn't and I coughed again, but harder. He hugged me tightly so my head was close to his chest and he said, "I thought you were dead…" I wanted to say something reassuring, but I just started coughing yet again. He didn't let me go until Dolora ran up to us and she made him let me go and had me sit against a rock so she could check me for injury. I was fine (save a twisted ankle), so she made Sigmun help me back (I don't know why, I could walk. Sort of. Not really) and we sat inside for the rest of the day because I couldn't really do much. Sigmun looked very distressed and Simonn kept apologizing because he said it was his fault I fell into the current. I told him not to worry, but he has a habit of worrying a lot. I think it's because of his siblings. Sigmun just kept looking upset and asking me if I was alright. I think it's sweet the way he does that, but I don't know why. Why would he worry about me?
Anyways, I'm feeling better now, but Mother was suspicious. She told me that swimming leads to all sorts of horrible things, and I suppose it's because some people don't wear anything when they go swimming. I'd never do that, though. It's a river; I'd freeze. I just don't mind my clothes getting wet on these hot days. So I told her that at work, we were dyeing fabric and someone splashed water on me. I hope this never happens again. It was horrible.
11 June 1612
Sigmun kept asking me if I was okay again today. I told him I was fine, because I am fine. He's such a sweetheart.
I can't stop thinking about my nightmare, though. This whole thing has been the exact opposite of that particular nightmare. I mean, I did start drowning, but it wasn't because of my inability to swim. And though I couldn't breathe, and everything was blurry and distorted and confusing, Sigmun pulled me out of the river instead of holding me under. And on top of that, he didn't taunt me over some worry of mine (though he wouldn't, anyways), he seemed upset because he thought I was hurt. Everything was the opposite of my nightmare.
This is embarrassing to admit, but his arms around me were so nice, even though I was limp and soaked and coughing. I really liked feeling someone holding me so close, and I liked that he was so gentle when he helped me home. He acted like I was one of Dolora's vases, all fragile and crystalline and delicate. I'd like to believe he was trying to be gentle because he loves me, but on the other hand, I've done the same before (except now of course he's grown much too tall for that) and I meant nothing by it. His touch just felt tender, and kind, and maybe even loving.
But then, I'm wishing it so hard that it's becoming real for me.
Anyways, we read some of my favorite book today and I'm grateful that my friends were there because I felt rather awful. Almost drowning makes one feel awful no matter the circumstances.
12 June 1612
Oh my goodness. Oh my…I can't seem to say anything else. I can't. I can't believe it.
Simonn was busy with his family today because two of his brothers caught chicken pox (thank heaven it's not smallpox), so Sigmun and I walked to the clearing without the pine tree in the middle. There's a log just the right size to sit on, so we sat there and just talked about things. We talked about Neolla going to school, and Patrik making machines (he wants to be an engineer), and about history and books and poetry and just all sorts of things.
And then he started talking about me. Except he framed it different.
"There's this girl in the village, and she's gorgeous."
"Oh?"
"Mm-hmm. She's got chestnut-colored hair and green eyes like no one else and she's short, but that doesn't matter. And if you look at her from the side, she's got the most perfect profile, especially when she puts her hair behind her ears. But she usually walks with her head down and her hair covering her face so no one can see how lovely she is. And if she's walking like I wish she would, confident and happy, it's because she's with her friends and she's laughing and pulling them along to see something new and amazing."
"She sounds really beautiful." I honestly had no idea who he could be talking about, but I was so jealous (the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. How ironic) and I would've been jealous of her even if Sigmun didn't clearly love her.
"She is. But she's also really clever. She can read and write and do math and understand things. She sees the world different from everyone else. She sees things that need to be fixed and she sees that it doesn't have to be the way it is. She's also the kindest girl I've ever met. She always thinks about everything she does in case it hurts someone. And on top of all that, she has no idea that she's that amazing. She has absolutely no idea how wonderful she is. She thinks she's nothing. And she couldn't be more wrong."
"Sounds like someone you really like."
"She is. And you know what the best part is?"
"What?"
"She's one of my very best friends."
I sort of stared at him for a while, because who could it be? And he sort of fidgeted and I realized he was talking about me!
"I've never kissed anyone. Except Neolla on a dare," he said kind of suddenly.
"Me neither."
"Do…do you want to kiss?"
"I…uh…sure." I decided I had something to say, too. "There's this boy. He's got hair the color of almonds and eyes that flash red in the sun and skin gone tan from all the time he spends outside. He has the most beautiful face and the best smile. He's growing like a weed and he doesn't wear shoes because none fit him. And he walks like he's excited about everything, always with a spring in his step, and he's always smiling. He's brave and strong like there's nothing to be afraid of and he's curious like everything is new every day. He's kind and he always puts other people before himself. He always looks out for his friends and even people he doesn't know. I don't think he's got a clue how amazing he is, either. And…"
"And?"
"And he's about to be my first kiss."
And I leaned in and I was going to kiss him but we both missed and his nose bumped into mine and I giggled a little because I was just so nervous! And then I kissed him for real and his lips were soft, just like I imagined they'd be, and he didn't wrap his arms around my waist or touch my hair or anything like that, and it lasted all of five seconds, but it was even better than I ever thought it would be.
And then of course I could've kissed him again (I certainly wanted to), but Dolora shouted for Sigmun to come home for dinner and I had to go home, too, so I left.
I can't believe it.
13 June 1612
That kiss didn't help me stop the dreams at all, like I hoped it would. Instead, it made them worse. I had three last night! Picnics and swimming and dinners and walks and kissing, always kissing. Actually, I don't want to talk about other things that happen in my dreams. I can't control them and it's humiliating. Mother would kill me if she found out. Thank heaven she can't read! But Sigmun can, so I can't risk this journal leaving my house. I wish I could just kiss him again and then I could stop thinking about him all the time. I hope that's how it works because this is driving me crazy.
I can't stop doubting things nowadays, most of all myself. I wish there was someone I could talk to. I obviously can't talk to Mother. I can't talk to Dolora because she's Sigmun's mother and I can't tell her how I feel about him. I can't talk to Sigmun for obvious reasons. I can't talk to Simonn because I'd be too embarrassed to talk about love. I can't talk to my friends in the village because they gossip (which I guess I'm guilty of, too) and I don't want rumors spreading about me because Mother will find out. I'm going crazy like this!
14 June 1612
Mother's been suspecting I have a suitor she doesn't know about and has decided that I'm not to leave the house. How long will she keep this up? Not forever, obviously. But maybe long enough for Sigmun to find another girl in the village, a prettier girl with money and a sweet mind who's not outspoken and so unfeminine like I am. He's so handsome, he could have any girl he wants. Why am I the one getting flowers? I'm nothing special. There is no reason for him (or anyone else for that matter) to love me! I'm not pretty and I'm certainly not one of the girls who listens to her husband and bears him children and does not question him. I'd be a horrible wife! I'd do what I do now: call him out when he's being stupid, do what I like when I want to, and I'd certainly bear him children but because I want to.
I must go, though. I think a squirrel is outside my window.
14 June, later
It was Sigmun, throwing a pebble. He looked so worried! He asked me if I was sick, probably because I have come over almost every day for the past ten years without fail and I swore up and down I'd come today to work on the clearing. I told him I was fine, and he…I can't believe what he said.
"Dianna?"
"Sigmun? What're you doing here?"
"I came to see if you're okay."
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Cuz…" (He scratched the back of his leg with his other foot). "You didn't come today so I thought you might be sick so I brought you something I was gonna give you today." (He said all that in one breath; I barely caught it.)
"Thanks. Uh…how're you gonna get it up here?" (My room is on the second floor and my window is tiny.)
"I guess I'll have to throw it…"
(I ducked and he threw it.)
"So…will I see you tomorrow?"
"Mother won't let me leave the house."
"Oh…" (His face kind of drooped.)
"You can come back and this time I'll have something for you!" (I tried to sound perky.)
"Really?" (I guess it worked because he did perk up.)
"Of course! But…maybe you should go before Mother finds you."
"Okay. See you tomorrow!"
"See you!" (He ran away into the woods and his cloak made him look like a romantic knight…)
15 June 1612
I fell asleep with his letter in my hands. I guess there's no more doubt that he loves me, though heaven knows why. He wrote me a love letter. I'm kind of embarrassed to paste it here, but no one else reads my journal except me. So here it is:
Dearest Dianna,
I've never written a letter before to anyone besides my aunt who lives in the city, and that's only because Mama tells me I ought to. This is different, I think. So…I suppose I should just begin.
First of all, I just wanted to say that I think you're beautiful. I mean it. I know you don't think you're really "anything special" as you put it, but I completely disagree. Your hair is like spun bronze, except it never corrodes. And your eyes are deeper than the night and more luminescent than the moon. You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen; you light up the entire room when you smile with those bright eyes. You are…I don't have the words to express how gorgeous you are.
But I'd be horrible if I just told you you're pretty. I'd be shallow and you'd probably hate me. You're also clever in a way most people don't bother to be. You challenge people and you don't care what other people think and you're…you're just so smart and you work for it. You read and study and write and that's just so amazing, especially considering everyone who tells you you shouldn't. And you're not afraid to talk back. You don't back down from people and…and that's just amazing. So I guess what I'm trying to say is…
So I've been bringing your flowers for about a year now. And that's because I…because…(you have no idea how much I'm shaking right now) because I love you. And I just thought I'd tell you. I've written more than twenty versions of this letter and I threw them all out because I didn't think any of them were good enough for you, but here I am, giving you a letter that still isn't good enough.
So…I just wanted to tell you that I love you with all my heart.
Love,
Sigmun
I've just read it again and now I'm shaking too hard to write anymore.
16 June 1612
He's coming back tonight. I can't believe it. He loves me! He actually loves me! He likes me the way I am, outspoken and clever and everything! He loves me!
I need to calm down.
I'm writing him a letter to tell him I love him, too. So far I've written three drafts. He should be coming soon, so here's a copy of my final draft.
Dearest Sigmun,
I don't know how to start a letter, either. So, like you, I guess here goes.
I love you, too. (I thought I might as well tell him right away.) I've loved you for so long now and I never even dared to dream I could tell you. I can't ever hope to tell you how much I love you, even in this letter.
You're amazingly handsome, too. Your hair is exactly the color of leaves in November and it looks so perfect, no matter how messy. Your eyes are like chocolate, and when the light shines just right through the trees in the clearing, they look a beautiful shade of crimson. You're the single most handsome man I've ever met.
There's this smile you have. It's a sweet, earnest smile that you give me when you bring me flowers. And it's the most beautiful expression I've ever seen on anyone's face because you are happy and kind and…everything you are is written on your face. You're brave and you're clever and you're kind and you're compassionate and you're strong and…I could go on, but you're about to arrive and I'm running out of paper. So I'll tell you more when I see you next.
I love you.
Love,
Dianna
17 June 1612
He looked terrified when he arrived today. I suppose something came up yesterday. I wanted to climb downstairs to see him, maybe hold his hand, or maybe…kiss him, but Mother was awake making a cup of tea, so I had to talk to him from my window. This is how it went.
"H-H-H-Hi Dianna…I…uh…" (He looked down and I could tell his entire face was scarlet). "Did you read my letter?"
"I did." (I couldn't say anymore at this point because my throat just completely closed off and he is far too perfect and I am far too imperfect for me to consider the possibility that he loves me.)
"Uh…I…what…wh-what did y-you think?"
(I didn't respond, I just tossed him down my letter and tried to force my mouth open.)
"Oh. Uh…so you don't…um…reciprocate?"
"No, no, I do!" (Oh, there's my voice.) "I love you a lot and I really—" (I stopped because I wasn't going to say out loud that I wanted to kiss him. My mouth does not always have a filter.)
"Wait, really?"
"Why else would I have been accepting the flowers for the past year?"
"I…I guess I didn't think about that…"
"No, don't say that…Hold on."(I jumped out my window, against better judgment.) "Ouch!"
"Are you okay?"
"Fine, I think." (I had to sit down on the ground because my ankle hurt.)
"Oh. Okay. Good." (He sat down next to me and he looked down like the perfectly awkward sweetheart he is and I felt faint.) "Dianna…so…Iloveyou."
"I love you too." (He kind of leaned in then and I thought he was going to kiss me but he pulled away.)
"I…I have a weird question."
"What?" (I was losing my voice again.)
"Does the time we kissed in the clearing count?"
"I…I don't know. I thought you just wanted to have your first real kiss over with…"
"No!" (He sounded actually kind of afraid, besides of course the "I wouldn't do that!" tone. I don't know why.)
"Oh…"
"So…I guess maybe we should make sure we've had at least one kiss that counts?"
"I guess so…"
So he leaned in and I leaned and our noses bumped but then his lips were soft and smooth and I was kind of anxious but…it got so much better. I know this sounds odd (how can a person taste like anything), but he tasted like mint. His lips were pressed so tight against mine, and I was closer to him than anyone else, ever in my life. And everything just felt so…warm, and real, and there. I don't know, he's the only boy I've ever kissed and my first-and-a-half kiss. But it was amazing. And his hands were combing through my hair and I'd sort of flung my arms around his shoulders and…I don't know. There has to be a word for this, this shaky feeling that made it next to impossible to climb back up to my room, this utter happiness that makes me want to stay up all night and faint to the floor at the same time.
Anyways, we finally broke apart because I had to breathe and he looked about ready to faint so I asked him if he was alright.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm…"
"Are you okay, though?"
"I'm perfect." (His mouth was sort of half-open in shock.) "I mean…you have no idea how perfect that was."
"I think I do."
(I heard Mother finishing her tea.) "I've got to go in. She'll check on me soon."
"Oh. Okay."
"Help me up?"
(He blushed even redder than he already was and I was sure he was going to faint this time.) "I…sure."
"I've done this a million times before with trees."
"Yeah." (He stood right next to my house and locked his fingers together and braced his hands against his leg.) "Okay, go."
(I put one of my feet on his hands and he lifted me up so I could reach the window. I grabbed onto the ledge and he moved his hands.) "Thanks, Sigmun."
"You're welcome, Dianna." (He paused and fidgeted while I climbed up to my window and into my room.) "I love you."
"I love you too." (Mother was about to come in and I gave him a look and he ran again while I covered myself with a blanket and snuffed out the candle.)
18 June 1612
Another letter today. I don't have enough room in my journal for them, so I think I'll keep them in that jewelry box Mother got me when I was six and she loved me. He couldn't stay long because Dolora had someone to care for, but he dropped off the letter and he smiled that sweet, awkward little smile and though it's insane and illogical, I wish he could've stayed a bit longer.
19 June 1612
Sigmun came again today and he smiled all sweet and nervous like he does and he asked me something odd. "Why do you bother with all this just to see me?"
"I could ask the same thing of you!"
"I mean, you're risking running into your mother and getting in a lot of trouble with her if you get caught and I know that'd be pretty bad for you."
"I don't care. She can't do anything to me once I turn eighteen anyways."
"Still."
"You leave your house late and walk all the way here in the dark and risk the guards and the night watchman just to see me! Why bother with me?"
"Because I love you."
"Well, I love you too. And I have something for you."
"What?"
"Catch." I tossed him down my letter (because I wrote another one).
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." I was going to climb out my window again, even though I still have to wrap my ankle, but I heard Mother. "I have to go. See you tomorrow!"
"Bye. I love you!"
"I love you too."
He is so romantic! Most of the men in the village only marry for lust that lasts for all of a year or less before they've married someone they don't love and who doesn't love them and then they're stuck. If I'm…oh my goodness. I'm the girl he was talking about all those times I got to his house too early! I'm the girl he liked since he was twelve! I'm that girl! I…I can't believe it. How could anyone think of me in that light?
It's very startling to realize that the boy you've loved for more than a year has loved you for even longer. It's equally bizarre to realize that he was too shy to tell you for most of that time. I just can't believe it. I'm shaking too much to write; I really ought to just go to bed.
20 June 1612
I'm going to lose my head if Mother makes me stay inside much longer. I grew up in the forest! I grew up with books! I don't belong inside with a pair of knitting needles! Mother doesn't have any books except a Bible, and I don't know where she keeps it. And she doesn't know I can read, so I couldn't even read that. And she doesn't do anything besides needlepoint. She's been doing the same one for three months! While I admire the patience, I do not have the ability to sit still that long unless I'm reading or do needlepoint without jabbing myself repeatedly with the needle.
21 June 1612
I've been stuck here all of a week and I've already knitted a whole scarf. By the time I get out, I'll probably have knitted enough for the entire village. I was restless today and the only thing I did that had any worth was write a letter to Sigmun. I hardly ate anything because I wasn't hungry and I haven't been sleeping so much. I've been avoiding Mother as much as possible, but she is everywhere, it seems.
I must be losing my mind.
22 June 1612
I started a needlepoint today of my friends and I. I can't believe I'm actually doing a needlepoint. Mother must be rubbing off on me. Either that or sitting inside for a week has driven me insane. Probably both. I treasure his letters both as sweet and loving and romantic as well as my only contact with the outside world. I wish I could climb out my window, but my ankle still aches and I think another eight-foot drop wouldn't do it much good. I think I have a right to be upset with my mother this time.
23 June 1612
I tried sewing something today, I'm not sure what. I gave up almost as soon as I started and paced the house because I can't stand this! I'm hardly hungry anymore and though I'd much rather be asleep, I can't fall asleep, even with chamomile tea. Believe me, I've tried.
24 June 1612
I found Mother's Bible today and I started reading it because I need to read something. I don't mean to criticize Mother for liking sewing, but I can't stand doing it for long. And I really can't stand needlepoint. I just don't have either the patience or the skills. I'm sure I'd be good if I practiced, but I'm too restless to practice anything. I need to get out of my house. I have to.
25 June 1612
Genesis is extremely eventful. It's in Latin, of course, so I've been reading a bit faster than I would in English or Italian or something, but it is very dense literature. Anyways, I found out why people treat women so badly. They probably blame Eve for everything. Yet another example of how internalized the whole mess is. And poor Joseph and his brothers! That must've been one hell of an adventure.
Maybe I should ask Sigmun to bring me a book in one of my letters. Interesting as reading the Bible is, it's also got some very, very dull parts. (And someone son of someone else son of someone else…)
26 June 1612
I was so restless today that I started running laps around the inside of my house. Mother yelled at me for it, but I needed to burn energy. I haven't been eating much, though, because I don't feel hungry. I have been sleeping more, though, luckily, so I can sleep the long, dull days away.
27 June 1612
Mother and I got in a fight yesterday because she was drinking and she threw a bottle and it shattered all over the floor. I couldn't move without stepping on broken glass and I noticed Mother's feet bleeding.
After what might've been forever, Mother stormed to her room and I did, too, leaving the glass on the floor. I'm not cleaning up after her ever again.
28 June 1612
His letters seem to be the only thing keeping me sane right now. I'm losing it trapped in the same house as my mother, and it's only been two weeks. How am I going to manage if she keeps me here much longer? What am I going to do? I asked him if he could bring me a book, because I need to read something that'll let me escape to another world just for a little while. He said he'll bring one in a couple days, because he ought to ask Dolora first. I hope he brings a good book; I need to escape.
29 June 1612
I feel sick, physically sick. I don't mean mind-sick, like before, though I feel mind-sick too. I keep snapping at Mother and forgetting things and losing track of my thoughts. I also feel sick to my stomach and I have a horrible headache and on top of all that, my eyes (of all things) ache. What's wrong with me?
30 June 1612
He brought me a book today, my favorite book too! I read the whole thing ravenously like it was food and I hadn't eaten anything in years and I'm probably going to read it over and over until I can't stand to even look at it. But it's a book and it's interesting and I don't feel quite so crazy anymore.
But I still feel trapped. I feel like I'm never going to be able to escape. His letters to me and my letters to him are my only contact with anything outside this miserable house. I feel tense and irritable and I'm glad I write my letters to him because I'm afraid I'd snap at him if I just talked to him. But I want to see him face-to-face, despite the risks. I want to feel his lips pressed so tight against mine again. I want to feel his warmth and see his chocolate-colored eyes. I want to know for sure that he's real. But I can't. My ankle wouldn't survive the drop.
What am I going to do?