A lot of dialogue in this it's two chapters joined together. Thank you all for reviewing.
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Whenever I'm alone with you
You make feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I'm whole again
- The Cure- Lovesong
She knew something was up Kozik had been acting all kinds of weird since yesterday. First she put it down to the pain med but now she knew it was something else. Every question she asked he answered with a question. It was really starting to piss her off. The boys had relatively stayed away due to the fact Tacoma never had a dull moment. She had sat with Kozik every waking minute of the day until he would jump down her throat about getting some sleep. She didn't like his new found attitude not one bit. It reminded her to much of when Jax used to try hiding something from her.
She walked down the corridor of the hospital leading to Koz room. What she saw when she opened the room was something she never expected.
"Jax,Gemma" Tara smiled weakly. So this was why he was acting all shady. Kozik saw the mix of emotions in her eyes. He was fucked.
"Tara." Jax sighed walking towards her.
"Whatever Kozik told you it's not as bad as it sounds" Kozik scoffed and Tara gave him a death stare most outlaws couldn't pull off.
"He didn't say anything" Jax pleaded. He knew her well enough to know when Tara gets spooked she clams up and runs. It had been like this since he knew her.
"Tara, baby Koz is just worried about you. He thinks you might need some help. I think he's right judging from this" Gemma said turning her cheek into the light looking at the nasty bruise that has now developed along her cheek.
"It's my problem Kozik had no right calling you" Tara shock her head. It was her problem and she didn't need all of them getting inside her head. She had trusted Kozik with the information and he fucking ran and told Jax FUCK. She didn't know to laugh, cry, be pissed this was all too much.
"Tara we all want what's best for you" Jax tried to reason. "Are you going to tell us what happened?"
She wanted to say no. Instead she used the line she fed Kozik and Gemma. "I don't want this shit coming back on you or the club."
"That was our choice to make Tara not yours" Kozik informed. Oh yeah so much for taking her side traitor. It was three on one now and she could feel her tough exterior dropping by the second.
"It is my fucking choice to make. It's my life Kozik not yours" Tara informed him. No she wasn't going to let him bully her into telling Jax.
"So you coming running here because you don't want that shit coming back on me or the club huh?" Tara knew Kozik pain meds were starting to wear and now he was getting plain bitchy. Bitchy is what she needed because if he was being a bitch so could she.
"You are a grade A asshole you know that. I came here because you rang me and told me you were shot not to drag my shit here."
"Do you want us to just go?" Jax asked.
"No" Kozik informed him. "T I'm sorry my shoulder is killing me. I know you would never do that to me or the club"
"So why are you trying to bring you and the club into my shit?"
"Because Tara you are my old lady and if someone has hurt you or threatened you it's up to the club to take care of it." Jax informed her perfectly sure that is what she needed to here.
"Jackson you are married to that croweater. I am no longer your old lady" Tara said. She wasn't not anymore she was that girl.
"We got divorced Tara. Just tell me what's going on?"
"I can't"
"Why?"
"Because Jax you will never look at me the same. I can handle the looks from Gemma even Kozik but not from you ok?" Tara said with tears in her eyes.
"There's a room down the hall maybe you to would like to talk there?" The nurse asked. Neither had noticed her arrival but that was normal for them. They usually never noticed what was happening around them. Without saying anything more Jax took Tara hand and lead her down the hall.
"You think those two will be alright?" Kozik asked.
"They always are" Gemma sighed picking up the magazine she was reading before.
"Tell me what happened Tara? I've never seen you act like this before." It was true he hadn't not when her father laid hands on her or when they had one of their longer fights.
She stayed silent for a long time going over where to even start. How to tell the man who held her heart what another man had done to her. So she just did what she thought was best skimmed over the details from the start he had slapped her around, stalked her and she got R.O. that's all he needed to know. That's all she could tell him. She couldn't tell Jax he had raped her, she couldn't. She was scared of what he would do and the way he would look at her.
"Jesus, Tara why didn't you call me?" Jax couldn't understand why she wouldn't come to him. He knew they hadn't been on good terms but she was still his old lady.
"You had someone else Jax I'm not your problem anymore" Tara sighed running her hands over face.
"Tara you were not and never will be a problem for me got that? You were one if not the best thing that ever happened to me." Jax said taking her hand in his. She had been, he wasn't the same person since she left.
"You mean it?" Jax simply nodded. "I regretted leaving Charming the minute I left Jax, leaving you. My life just seems incomplete without you." Jax doesn't know what to say so he acts, he kisses her. He takes it as a good sign she doesn't stop him instead intensifies it. It was like they're sixteen again but now there was so much baggage attached. They could forget in that moment. He locked the door pulled the blinds and it was just them.
"We shouldn't be doing this here" Tara sighed into a kiss.
"I need you" Jax said kissing her again. That was she needed to hear nothing else mattered.
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"You two sure took your sweet time?" Kozik said as they walked back into the room.
"We had some thing's to catch up on" Jax smiled. Kozik rolled his eyes Tara shirt was buttoned up wrongs and Jax fly was open, catching up my ass.
Gemma smiled from the corner knowing what had happened. "Does this mean your returning to Charming baby?"
"Jax told me you're having some problems I don't want to drag ATF there. Kohn thinks I'll run there he doesn't know about Tacoma so I'm going to stay here with Kozik. If that's ok with you Koz?"
"T you can stay as long as you want. I'll take care of your old lady prince" Kozik smiled widely
For the next two days Tara and Jax were inseparable exploring each other's bodies, the bodies they both new so well.
"I'll see you soon Teller"
"Yeah soon Knowles" Jax said pulling her in for one last kiss.
Gemma pulled her into a hug. "See you soon Baby. Don't leave coming back to long this time"
"I won't" Tara said simply. She watched them leave wanting nothing more than to go with them, him.
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"Where is he?" Tara snapped walking into the clubhouse. She was pissed she didn't know who more at him or her. She should have seen it coming, she was a god damn doctor. It had taken one of the brothers to notice. She wanted to cry, hit the wall or preferably his face. She hadn't felt this frustrated in a long time. She walked through the clubhouse to the backroom. She looked at him for a moment saw the sorrow, the guilt and the frustration in his eyes.
"How did it get this bad?" Tara said leaning against the door. Scared to get closer to him unable to trust herself fully on what she would do if she got closer to him.
He looked at her slummed against the counter top. He saw the way she looked at him pain, fear and guilt in her eyes. He felt a new pang of guilt overcome him.
"I don't know!" He honestly didn't. It was fine the first week but then it got worse. He had gone back to soon. He should have listened to her. Listened to the advice she had offered him but he brushed her off told her he would be fine. Now he knew he wasn't fine that it was stupid of him to ever think it was a good idea. He was in too deep AGAIN.
"You could have come to me. We could have done something, I could of"
"This isn't on you Tara. This is my fault my own stupidity."
"Let me help you. We can deal with this together" Tara sighed taking a step closer. He hadn't looked at her since she walked into the room. She wanted to go and hug him tell him they would get through this.
"I just thought it would be ok. Thought I was over it. Didn't think it would still affect me the way it does."
"Koz it'll always affect you. Prescription meds are tricky you should have told me you were in pain. I should have picked up on the signs. Why didn't you tell me your shoulder still hurt? It's been two months!" Tara said firmly. "Your going to do this cold turkey you got me?" Before he could even agree to anything Tara was walking out of the room.
"What's the news Doc?" Bones said walking in step with her. Bones was the Tacoma president taking over his father's position in the club.
"Cold turkey" Tara simply said.
"Cold turkey?" Mike said finally coming to stand at the other side of her.
"I think it's the fastest way. He has done it before he knows what it entails. Just lock him in a room and let it leave his system. Giving him more meds could fuck him up worse than he already is." Tara sighed. Both the men nodded before giving instructions to various members standing around.
"Hey Doc" Happy said. "This isn't on you. Remember that."
Tara looked at Happy giving him a weak smile. It was short and sweet and very Happy but it was just what she needed to hear.
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Jax sat waiting at Stockton. It had been a three months since he last saw his best friend. He was still pissed at Kyle for what he had done. He would never see him as a brother again. Ops five years were nearly up and Jax couldn't wait for his brother to be a free man.
"Brother" Opie said taking his seat across from Jax. Jax had to admit since Opie had gone inside he had bulked up not that he wasn't big before but now he was more toned and defined.
"Good to see you Op" Jax smiled. It had been rough without him. Since they were in diapers they were inseparable and then he ended up in here. It wasn't like he hadn't done his stint or two in here. He didn't think they were going to be his last either.
"Donna told me you've been seeing Tara" Op said casually. It had been no hidden fact then when Tara Knowles left Charming she left with Jackson Tellers heart. Opie had witnessed firsthand at how fucked up it had left him. He thought he would never have his friend back to the way he was. Looking at him now he saw that familiar glint back in his eyes, that oh so mischievous grin now played on his features. He was glad to have his best friend back.
"Yeah we've been kind of seeing each other the last three months. It isn't serious" Jax added. He didn't really know who he was trying to convince himself or Op.
"You and Tara could never be not serious, I'm happy for you man. How's your crazy wife taking it?" He had never had the privilege of meeting her but from what he heard he didn't really want to. Opie thought Jax picked the most fucked up croweater he could find to try forgetting the calm and collect Tara Knowles.
"Ex-wife" Jax corrected. "Divorce finally came through last week. She doesn't really know about it. Tara is staying in Tacoma. That's some shit I really don't want to get into man."
"Tacoma?" Opie said. "Whatever man! You two just get your shit together by the time I'm out. I don't think I can listen to you pinning after her again"
"Yeah Bro. That gives me what 5 months? I think I can handle that" Jax grinned. "So how's life in the big house?"
"Otto and Lenny are keeping a watchful eye over me along with the rest of the Big House Crew." Opie said.
They continued on with their conversation until the guards started rounding them up to return to their cells.
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Jax walked calmly into the Tacoma clubhouse. He was all too happy club business had been crazy between Tacoma and SAMCRO. He watched as a two prospects played cards outside a room door. He saw Tara talking calmly with Mike, Bones and Happy all not noticing his presence.
"Yo Teller" Randy said slapping his back playfully. Randy was VP of Tacoma was a bit smaller than Jax but was a lot more built.
"Hey Randy, anything I should know about?" nodding his head in the general direction of where Tara stood.
"Oh you don't know" Randy said with a raised brow. "It's Kozik got himself fucked up on his pain meds. Doc sure is beating herself up over it."
"Ah I see. How bad is he?"
"He's been locked in that room for three days. I honestly don't know whose worse Koz or the doc. She won't even go to her shifts at the hospital. Mike, Bones and Happy are trying to talk some sense into her." Jax looked over at them again. He didn't notice the first time but now he could see the dark circles under her eyes, the pain in her eyes.
"I'll talk to her Bro. Juice, Chibs I'll talk to you guys in a minute" Jax said making his way over to the others.
It took her a moment to realise it was him. So much shit had happened in the last few days that her body and mind were having a hard time keeping up. Her body ached all she wanted was a long hot bath preferably with Jax in it to. Bones was now issuing his case that he needed Kozik to do a run. Carefully told her that he was in fact sergeant of arms and he needed him. Tara argued her case that Kozik wasn't ready for a run yet and it may take a while before he is. Happy and Mike had made their way over to play referees and to try convince Tara to go back to work. When she saw him she didn't know if she wanted to run into his arm, demand that he tell them to leave Kozik recover or to just break down and cry.
"Hey guys mind if I steal Tara for a minute" Jax said leaving no room for argument. He brought her outside for privacy they now sat on the wall. She hadn't said anything he didn't know if he should take it as a good or bad sign. "Randy told me about Koz. I'm sorry Tara. You know this..."
"Don't even say this isn't on me. I'm a fucking doctor Jax I should have seen the signs. I let him get like this."
"He let himself get like this"
"I should have seen it coming. I knew about his past giving him those meds, I should have thought." Tara said violently wiping the tears that had fallen onto her cheek away.
"Hey, Hey" Jax said cupping her face. "This isn't on you. Kozik had a relapse which a lot of addicts have. It's not uncommon Tara. You can't keep beating yourself up like this. Kozik doesn't blame you"
"But I blame me Jax"
"You shouldn't. Look at me." Jax said gently wiping the tears away with his thumb. "You are the kindest hearted person I know. Kozik will get through this. Now you need to get back to work and sleep Tara. I'm sorry babe but you look like shit"
"Thanks Teller. You really know how to make a girl feel special" Tara smiled weakly. She knew herself she looked like shit.
"Babe you look like you haven't slept in days"
"I haven't" She hadn't not since they locked Kozik into the room. Whenever she closed her eyes it haunted her, his begging her to give him pills. It broke her heart her best friend was in such pain yet she couldn't do anything for him.
"Knowles you and I are going to bed. I'm not taking no for an answer." Jax said leading her up to the apartment. It wasn't long until they were both stripped down Jax to his boxers, Tara to his SOA t-shirt and underwear. Jax pulled her close to him whispering in her ear telling her of what was happening in Charming. The comfort of his voice finally lulled her off to sleep. Jax sighed happily before falling asleep himself. It never ceased to amaze him how her presence made everything else seem like nothing.
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