A/N - Apologies for the gap
XxXxX
''How long does it take?''
''The box says 3 minutes.''
Quinn groaned and flopped forward so that her head was between her knees. She was perched on the bathtub in Rachel Berry's bathroom, anxiously awaiting the results of the pregnancy test that she had taken.
She knew, but she couldn't logically know until she had seen it for herself. That's what Rachel had told her when she had blurted out this whole messed up situation at Finn's party yesterday. Because Sam had been hovering by her, there had been an obnoxious amount of people there, and Santana had been pointedly ignoring her the whole time. It had all just been far too much.
Mary Evans, the bane of all Mother-in-laws, had joked about Quinn being pregnant, and not so subtly asked when her next grandbaby was to be expected. So of course the night before Finn's birthday party Sam had suggested that maybe they should think about it. Oh the evil twist of cruel irony. He had stated it logically, differently than he had ever reacted about their daughter's – differently to the times he used to talk about having kids together one day, back when they had still been very much in love and she hadn't been some adulterous heathen.
Sam had said maybe they should consider it because it might help the way things were between them. Like having a baby would be the cure for all – meaning that he knew exactly what was going on between them, and that was his solution. Sam wasn't the kind of man to suggest having a child for any other reason than because he wanted one, which was an indication about how he thought their marriage was right now.
Quinn had told him she didn't want to talk about it and he hadn't brought it up since.
She had tried to talk to Santana, but the Latina had given her a warning look to stay away, so she had. Quinn supposed that she did deserve her space, and after all she did have to sit through that party watching her be a family. She could see the jealousy in her eyes all the way across Finn's garden, she could see how deeply it cut into her to watch them be the perfect little family unit – smiling and behaving like everything was hunky dory.
So when she had found herself in the kitchen that had been surprisingly empty save for Rachel, who was miserable because her fiancé wasn't due back to town for another week because she was touring with a musical, she had blurted out the whole truth.
She had dissolved into fits of tears and Rachel had just been her friend and listened, wrapping her arms around her and herding her off to a more secluded room where it wasn't likely anyone could overhear.
''How long has it been?''
Quinn mewled rather pathetically. It felt like a freaking lifetime.
''A minute.''
She huffed at the response and sighed as she pulled herself back up. Briefly, she looked around the spacious bathroom, drumming her fingers on the side of the tub before she sighed again and looked at Rachel.
''When does Tina get home, next week?''
Rachel sighed too but nodded, she was sat across from her on the lid of the toilet, her elbow perched on her knee so her hand could prop up her head.
Rachel was the second person she had met in this little self-made family that had developed over the years. Santana had been the first of course, they had attended Pace University together and met during orientation – and not much longer after that the Latina had introduced her to Rachel, who was a freshman at NYADA. They had been friends from high school – a fact that Santana pretended to be reluctant to admit, claiming that she was only friends with Rachel because she felt sorry for her extreme looser-hood. Nothing could be further from the truth, though.
Anyway, they were close. Three girls new to New York? Yeah, they had bonded very quickly – it didn't hurt that they all shared their sexuality in common. Kurt Hummel had been their token boy, but he was kind of like a girl given how damn camp he was. He was another friend from their school and though he hadn't gotten into college with Rachel, he had gotten into Tisch instead. That was great school too, and so they made fast friends, having the creative arts and some kind of LGBT about them.
Tina Cohen-Chang had come into the 'family' the next year, when she began at AMDA. She had been introduced via freshman filmmaker Artie Abrams, that had met Brittney who had been helping him out with a music video project of his. Brittney and Santana had been together at the time, and the blonde was a dancer at Julliard because she was just that good, and that's how they all met Mike Chang too.
It was all so odd how they all just came together; it was like they were somehow supposed to be this little hub of friendship. Quinn had technically met Sam via Rachel's cousin, Noah Puckerman – who had known him and Finn because they roomed together. Sam was part of their band but was studying at community college too.
When you added Mercedes Jones, Blaine Anderson, Sugar Motta and Lauren Zizes into the mix – all of who had been freshman's that knew either Tina, Artie or Finn, then you had their little group. Of course they had other friends and such, but this was the core group – the little family. Or really, The Family, because Artie liked to joke that they were like the mob, just made up of different races and sexualities.
There were three 'in breeder' couples. Of course her and Sam were one, the next one to happen was Brittney and Mike, who had gotten together just around the time that Quinn was pregnant with Carly. And then three years ago, coincidently when she was at the end of her pregnancy with Isabelle, Rachel and Tina had finally done something about their not so secret love for each other.
Finn was married to Sugar, but they weren't classed as in breeders because Finn had 'brought in' Sugar when they started dating, so they escaped Artie's lovely label for the rest of them. Anyway, it did occur to Quinn momentarily that every time she got pregnant a couple was formed. Weird.
''Next Friday. They're right across in Oregon now. Worst six weeks – ever.''
Quinn chuckled lightly at Rachel's miserable pout. She had missed Tina being around, obviously not as much as Rachel – but right now she was actually a little bit thankful that she wasn't here. Quinn didn't think she could handle anyone else knowing her dirty little secret right now. Not until she wrapped her head around it herself. But she knew that when all of this came out then their group would definitely change somehow – maybe not in a huge way, but definitely somehow.
''Just think forward, Rachel. A month after she gets home and you'll be getting married.''
That perked Rachel up and she grunted happily and smiled, wiggling on the toilet seat. The 'event' was all set, the whole thing had been planned out and things were very organised. It was news, two lesbian Broadway stars getting married? Yeah, it had kind of caught the attention of a lot of people. But the ceremony itself was actually going to be relatively small. Relatively small for Rachel Berry, that was.
Obviously they were all going, Rachel's parents and a handful of family members were attending. Tina's sister and brother were going but her parents had refused, which sucked but it wasn't about to stop her from getting married. There were some friends, and some co-stars from the stage; a couple of notable names and that were about it. Not the masses that Tina had been expecting Rachel to come up with, she had been relieved. Hell, they had all been relieved.
''Although, you may have to replace me as a bridesmaid, considering.''
Quinn added pitifully. Rachel scoffed.
''No way. I'm not trading you; we can have your dress altered accordingly at the time. You're one of my best friends, Quinn. None of this changes that, or the fact that you've been there since freshman year, helping me through all my drama – telling me to be honest about my feelings for Tina in the first place. So no, you're still a bridesmaid, don't think this is an excuse to get out of it.''
Okay it was hard to feel crappy when Rachel said things like that, even if it only briefly lifted her spirits. Underneath Rachel's craziness that could sometimes get the better of her, was that – the real Rachel that came through for everyone when they needed her, that was her underlying essence and why people just ended up loving her.
She hadn't judged her, she hadn't spoken a word of admonishment or disapproval or disappointment. Rachel had held her, let her cry and let her talk. She had told her that first things being first, they had to make sure that she was pregnant. So here they were – making sure she were pregnant.
Rachel hadn't known which was the best test, so she had bought the 10 that the store around the corner had to offer. She had stated that lesbians didn't have to deal with that kind of crap so she thought it wise to purchase them all – but the clerk had given her a curious look. She didn't care in the slightest.
The timer that Rachel held in her other hand pinged, and immediately Quinn paled. She paled and didn't move and stared right at the brunette, fingers gripping the tub.
''Do you want me to look?''
Quinn nodded quickly and Rachel stood up and walked over to the sink, she picked up the little stick that the blonde had peed on because well, who the hell was thinking about that right now – and looked at the result.
''It's positive, Quinn. You were right.''
Not that there was much chance she was going to be wrong, but still. The reality of having a test say she was right set in and hazel green eyes quickly filled up with tears and a hand moved to clamp over her mouth.
Rachel sighed sympathetically as she knelt down in front of her and ran her hands through blonde hair before she leant forward and placed a kiss on Quinn's forehead before pulling her down so she could rest her head on her shoulder.
''We could do another test?''
She suggested weakly, knowing it wouldn't make any kind of difference.
''I can't…I don't…I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?''
Rachel pulled Quinn's head back again and started to wipe away her tears.
''Just breathe, for starters. And I think…I think deep down, you know what you have to do.''
Quinn sniffed and looked right at Rachel, the truth of the situation passing between them. She did know what she had to do, and it sucked. But she had to; it was the only way that any of this was going to resolve itself.
''I guess I deserve this.''
Rachel shook her head immediately.
''No, you don't. You've made some mistakes, okay? You're human, Quinn. There may have been a different way to handle this, but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or you intentionally set out to hurt anybody. You were hurting too – and you fell in love.''
''She's going to hate me, Rachel. This will kill her.''
Rachel sighed and swallowed, wiping some more tears away before she cupped Quinn's face and got her to look at her again when her gaze dropped to the floor.
''If she loves you like I think she does, then she'll come through for you. She'll know that you need her, just as much as she needs you. Right now though, you need to take care of yourself – because there is a baby to think about now.''
The brunette didn't actually need to see Santana with Quinn to understand what was between them, somehow it just kind of made sense. It had been right in front of her, and she had seen it already, but she hadn't known. But it did make sense, and she hoped that eventually things would work out.
But the most important thing right now really was this baby that was now in the middle of everything. And knowing Quinn like she did, she would but it and her daughter's first. This actually might be the very thing that gave her the strength to do what she needed to do; because if there was just one thing Quinn valued most in life it was her children. She was such an amazing Mother.
''Is it wrong that even though I'm about to tear apart 4 people's lives, that I'm happy about this?''
Rachel smiled and shook her head.
''No, of course it's not. You are a wonderful Mom, Quinn.''
''Don't say that. If it were true then I wouldn't have messed up like this. They're going to hurt because of me, and it's my job to protect them from that. I'm a crappy Mother.''
''Hey. Don't – okay? When the time comes, if I can be just half as good as you, I'd take that to the bank. You make it look so easy, Quinn. They'll be okay because you'll make sure they're okay. They have a Mom and a Dad that love them, and won't let anything get in the way of them being happy. And at least maybe you have a shot at not turning out like Santana's parents, because that is just…brutal.''
Quinn looked up quickly at Rachel's sad grimace as she mentioned what Santana herself had. Rachel had been there, she had seen it and from the look on her face Quinn could tell that there was a lot that Santana couldn't verbalise about it.
If she could avoid that, if she could make her daughter's understand that they hadn't done anything wrong and that they were loved just as much, and they didn't see their parents fighting – maybe it really would be okay. Maybe they could do this. Because she'd do anything for them, she really would. She knew Sam felt the same way too.
They could do this – they had to do this.
''It was really that bad?''
''Whatever she's managed to tell you? It's about 50 times worse than that.''
God, no wonder Santana thought she wasn't worthy of anything. Its not like Quinn's parents had been saints but in relation to the Lopez's, it was kind of feeling like they were.
''Quinn, whatever happens you always have somewhere to come – you can stay here, okay?''
''Thank you, Rachel.''
''No problem. I love you.''
''I know, I love you too.''
XxXxX
Things had turned out quite differently than she had anticipated. Santana had actually been a happy little girl – full of merriment and sweetness and sunshine. She hadn't been mean or sarcastic or guarded of her feelings. She had enjoyed life – lollipops in the sun, her Papi reading her bedtime stories, playing dress up with her siblings and baking with her Mami. She had adored them so much that of course it had shattered her whole tiny little heart when she had found out it was a lie.
That realisation had been sudden and hard hitting, when she had caught her Papi fucking the maid over his desk at the tender age at 6. From there she had figured certain things out – how cold they were to one another when their children weren't looking, how her Mami acted around other men – even her teachers. How they had slowly but surely used her as a pawn in their war.
Naturally, she vowed not to be anything like them, assumed that love was a pure and utter myth, and to avoid being hurt she should make herself into a bitch. In her mind, it was better to dish it out than to take it. Gone was the sunshine girl and there appeared the girl full of rage and hurt and raw emotion that she could barely contain. There appeared the bully and the evil cheerleader with little empathy and fewer morals – the girl that kept people at arms length. She watched her happy life disappear around her as her parents engaged in long years of the most gruelling, cruellest and spiteful behaviour. All of her siblings had been shoved into the middle of it, but particularly her. She thought she had done something wrong, taken all their sins unto herself.
Maybe it had broken her – maybe that was why she never got what she was searching for. Sex was her weakness and she had torn her way through too many girls to even count, stopping briefly every now and then to try her hand at a relationship. She always fucked it up somehow though – pushed too hard and withdrew too much. She ran hot and cold to the extreme, desperately wanting that love and connection but believing she wasn't worthy or it wouldn't be real.
And now she was kind of just like her parents, so it was somewhat mortifying/satisfying to know that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Her hero hadn't actually been the latest pop star or hot actress of the week. It had been – and still was – Rita Moreno. Santana had secretly been obsessed with her like Rachel had been obsessed with Barbara Streisand. See, Rita Moreno was not only the 3rd person to win the 4 awards required for an EGOT, and the second woman, but she was the first Hispanic. West Side Story was like crack to Santana and she was pretty much all over anything Rita got herself into.
She had met her once and she had practically died on the spot. Then she practically died again because Rita liked her music. Seriously, winning a Grammy for her music was nothing compared to getting the thumbs up from Rita Moreno.
Santana had always wanted to be like her and somewhere along the trying to get there she had become somebody that slept with her godchildren's Mommy instead. She became somebody that ruined her relationships – because seriously, Brittney? The most loveable and easy to be with and affectionate girl on the planet? She'd even managed to screw that up.
Meeting Quinn at Pace was just one of those damn twists of fate and now here they were. The thing was Santana couldn't pull away even though maybe she should have. She wanted to be with Quinn – she wanted to be able to love her for all the world to see.
''So, you know huh? She told you?''
''Yes, she told me. By the way – were you aware that it's 3am?''
Rachel sleepily asked as she looked at her best friend – the sister she had never had – through squinty eyes that had been forced awake due to a persistent ringing of her doorbell – then persistent banging on her door followed by persistent calls and chants that were slurred and some sort of weird 'Spanglish' concoction. So she had known very quickly that Santana was drunk.
''You had a show tonight – you're always wired after a show.''
Santana dismissed as she pushed passed Rachel and through into the apartment.
''Apart from those times when it's draining and I barely make it back before falling asleep.''
Rachel reminded as she pushed her door closed. Well, at least she had gotten a little bit of sleep. She had done her show, it had been spectacular – signed some autographs, taken a few pictures and chatted for a few minutes – come home, had a light snack and half a glass of wine – engaged in some pretty damn good phone sex with her absent fiancé and then fell into a fucking coma. A really glorious fucking coma – that was until she got awoken and of course it was about the lesbian drama that was transpiring.
The brunette had been waiting for Santana to come to her because she knew she would eventually. Eventually she would have anyway whether Quinn had done it first or not. Anyways, Rachel knew she was going to be awake for a little while longer so she shuffled toward the kitchen where she found Santana sat on a stool and haphazardly slumped over the island.
''Coffee?''
''Got anything stronger?''
''I have a baseball bat I could hit you with, does that count?''
''No it has to be liquor.''
Santana scowled across at her like a grumpy puppy. Rachel sighed again and rolled her eyes.
''Fine, but you have to drink some coffee too. You smell like a brewery Santana, where've you been?''
The Latina shrugged and made a soft humming noise in the back of her throat.
''Out partying with Britt-Britt – Mike, Kurt and his Wonder Twin, Sugar and Puck all came too. I had that lounge gig tonight.''
''How'd it go?''
''Like it always does when I do a gig – flawlessly.''
Rachel simply nodded as she went about putting the coffee on before she ducked down to glance into the liquor cupboard. She reached in and grabbed some Irish cream and after a minute or two had poured out two – because to hell if she wasn't having some now that she was awake. Santana lifted her glass and cleared her throat.
''To becoming your Father – man whore extraordinaire.''
The Broadway actress sighed softly and tipped her head in empathy.
''Santana…''
The Latina pointed a finger at her.
''Don't say I'm not like him.''
''You're not.''
Santana huffed.
''I caught the bastard fucking the maid over his desk when I was 6 and lost count of how many women I caught him with after that until they got divorced at graduation. And you just know that my Mom was banging half our teachers. For christ sake I'm just like them. The only thing that the Lopez family knows how to do perfectly is fuck up families.''
Rachel reached across the island and grabbed the irate woman's face and force her to look at her. She had been there – she couldn't count how many times Santana had cried and yelled and thrown something because she had seen what she wasn't ever supposed to see. She had known things about her parents – the parents that had gone from wonderful to immoral in the blink of an eye. The parents that didn't care about fighting in front of their daughter – burdening her with knowledge and guilt and blame. Rachel had lost count of how many nights Santana had spent at her house because she just didn't – couldn't – go home to that.
''You have to tell her the truth, Santana. You have to let her in. You're not like them; you're a good person. And yeah this is a mess but if you really love her, if you say that you can be everything for her – then do it. She needs to know, and you need to let yourself be happy. It took Brittney away from you, don't let it take Quinn.''
It was the last part that broke Santana and made her really cry – because it had been the thing that had stolen Brittney away from her. It's what slipped in and killed any chance of a successful relationship that she wanted. And she had wanted Brittney – so much, she had loved her and it was so easy to see a long and happy future with her. Brittney had been there completely willing and loving and Santana had done what she had always done when she realised just how serious something was. She had sabotaged it and broken not only Brittney's heart but her own. Now the other girl was married and yeah they were great friends but it had taken some time to make that happen.
''I don't want to lose her – but I don't exactly have her, do I? I know it's complicated but why can't she…why is it so…''
''Say it.''
''Why can't she just fucking be with me? Why am I never good enough? I mean I know I pushed Brittney away and everything but…I just feel like I'm so fucking damaged that I'm not worth it.''
Rachel moved around the island and straight to Santana who was already a weepy kind of drunk but add to that the stress and the emotion and all the years of actually believing that shit in her head and a breakdown was inevitable. So she held her tight and she rubbed her back and whispered that it would be okay while she hoped that it really would be. She hoped that all of this mess would get sorted out and her friends would get the happiness they deserved.
''I know she wants to leave him – I'm just not sure if she ever will. And it hurts, but I love her so much that I won't walk away. And I hate myself for hoping that she'll go through with it, because I know how it feels when your family falls apart.''
Rachel didn't know what was happening at this point, Quinn had been here too nights ago and there was no official word yet on whether she had made any concrete decision one way or the other regarding either Sam or Santana. She didn't know what to do, whether Quinn had decided to stay with Sam and was thinking how to let Santana down, or whether she was getting up the nerve to have the talk with her husband. Rachel certainly didn't envy her position. But it was difficult for her because Santana was in so much pain.
But then the next few minutes became like a series of events that she could only watch and do nothing about. Santana sniffed and looked up and zeroed in on the stupid plastic grocery bag that she had stupidly left sitting on her damn kitchen island.
''Rach, why do you have a shit ton of pregnancy tests? Are you having a baby?''
Rachel panicked and spluttered guiltily and Santana eyed her suspiciously.
''Uh…''
''Is Tina having a baby?''
''Uh…''
Rachel couldn't get her brain to engage or to get the expression off of her damn face. She was an actress damnit why was it so hard right now? Santana looked right at her for a moment and instantly Rachel knew that she knew.
''Oh.''
''Santana…''
Santana held up a hand.
''N-no I…it's fine. I'm fine. Whatever. I gots to go.''
''Santana don't, stay and talk to me about this.''
Santana was already snapping the self-locking bolts at the door back so she could leave.
''I uh…no I gotta get home…got another show tomorrow.''
Rachel cursed herself and shut the door when Santana practically ran out of it – there was no way she would've been able to stop her but she felt shitty that she couldn't. That was probably not the way that Quinn had envisioned Santana finding out that she was pregnant. Now the Latina thought that there would be no hope whatsoever of being with her.
XxXxX
Santana didn't know exactly how she got to the house, but somehow she ended up there anyways. Banging on the door like she had Rachel's, in a state of pure…she didn't know, panic? Rage? Desperation? She felt pretty desperate.
She felt pretty out of control too, like something was being drained out of her and if she didn't get it back then she would die. Add to that the fact that she was still pretty damn drunk off her ass, and this was not her best night.
Finally the door opened, and she came face to face with the man that she both loved and resented. He looked so fucking boyishly charming and sweet standing there with a dishevelled and sleepily confused look that would have been comical at any other time. All his stupid perfect blonde hair was sticking up, and even though his face was still screwed up a little – eyes squinting because they were barely open – he still looked freaking cute.
Santana wanted to hate Sam, she really did, but she just couldn't bring herself to do so. But it didn't stop her from being as angry as shit at him.
''Santana, are you okay?''
The gruff but lethargic voice asked, snapping her back into reality. What caused her to reach out and give him a good shove – enough to make him step back a couple of steps – she didn't exactly know, it just felt like the thing to do.
''I hate you! In that I really don't because I can't…but I hate that. You have no idea how lucky you are. You're so god damn clueless, Evans. Do you know what I'd give to be in your place? Do you know what lengths I'd go to to make sure she's happy?''
''Santana…''
''No!''
Santana shoved him again, scowling and panting and never forgetting for a second that she was in their house.
''This is all a lie, she doesn't love you and you can't make her stay here. Please. I have no right to ask you but please, let her go Sam. I'll do anything. Anything.''
''Quinn already left me, Santana.''
Well fuck. She hadn't been expecting that. Apparently she had come here to beg for Quinn, because apparently she really was that desperate. She hadn't really been focusing on what poured out of her mouth but she certainly hadn't expected to hear that come out of his. It gave her pause, and she just stared at him in utter disorientation, not really knowing what to do now. She didn't even know what it meant, Quinn had left Sam but she hadn't said a freaking word to her.
''She sent the kids to my Mom's and she told me everything. She told me she didn't love me anymore, that she had been trying for the girls – and that she had fallen in love with you.''
Santana had the good grace to look extremely guilty. Sam sighed softly and ruffled a hand through his hair, it had been a long night and the last thing he had been expecting was for Santana to show up drunk and in a state of what looked like blind panic that Quinn was choosing him over her.
''I knew there was someone else, I didn't figure out it was you until the party. I may be dense but I do see things. But Quinn was trying so I did the same; I thought that was what she wanted. But I have no intention of making her stay with me when she loves you. And she has no intention of making me stay with her now she knows I feel the same way. Or I guess…I don't feel the same way.''
''Wait, what?''
He shrugged simply, a little sadly but also with no small amount of relief that they had finally put all their cards on the table.
''I'm not in love with her either anymore. It kinda sucks, and it still sucks that you two did what you did, but I get it. Tonight we talked like we used to talk, and it was really cool. We laughed again and connected again – but it was a friendship. She's not mine anymore, she's yours.''
Santana really didn't know whether she wanted to barf, scream, cry or just plain old pass out. Her mind actually just broke, like it had fallen out of her head. Quinn had told Sam everything and he was…okay? He was being reasonable and understanding, and god he even felt the same way. He had been playing along the same as Quinn because that's just how much they loved their children.
She felt dizzy. Dizzy and hot and like she had just had a huge weigh both lifted off of her and dropped down onto her. She staggered back and practically fell into the lone seat by the door next to the cabinet. Her heart struggled to function properly in her chest and all of a sudden she had to really concentrate on how to breathe, body tilting forward a little.
This was all she had wanted for so long, it's all that she hoped for and thought about and dreamed and breathed. she didn't even know if she was getting it but the thought of that she could be terrified her now. Could she keep her promise and be everything? Because being everything meant not being not being like her Father. It meant not copping out like she had with Brittney. It meant standing up to be the person Quinn needed her to be, because it wouldn't just be them, it was the kids too.
God, the girls. Sure they loved her now, she was just their cool Tia Santana - what would she be when they realised that she was the woman who had stolen their Mommy from their Daddy? What would she be when they had to live the reality of this whole mess? they would hate her, it would be awful and maybe Quinn would realise that it was just too hard.
''Santana, look - you know I love you and all, but I've never really known you. Not like Quinn, Rachel and Brittney do. But I know you enough. If Quinn is going to be with someone else - if another person is going to be involved in raising our kids - then I'm happy it's you. I'm happy that it'll be somebody that loves them, and that they love, than some stranger.''
She looked up at him, stared at his earnest face, and it made tears swell in her eyes. It was a feeling she couldn't describe to hear that from a man that she had betrayed, yet he still seemed to believe in her.
''And what if...what if I'm not good enough? What then?''
Sam sighed slowly and crouched in front of her. It was ridiculous how adorable he looked in the mixture of wise and sleepy. Part of her wished that this wasn't happening, because he was so amazing. Even in this moment he was being kind to her. How could she possibly top that?
''Do you love Quinn?''
''So much.''
''Then stop worrying so much. I know that all this is messed up, but I'm just as sure it'll work out fine. At least she and I have our friendship back. And the way she talked about you...you're good enough Santana. Everyone has always seen something in you that you won't let yourself see, I hope Quinn gets you to see it for yourself. You'll be fine. Besides, we're about to be family - it doesn't need to be conventional, maybe the unconventional kind is the best way.''
Maybe he was right. Maybe the haphazardness of family for them would be the very thing that made it would - distinguish it from the family she had grown up in. If Quinn and Sam were friends, like they used to be, then maybe this could all really work - somehow they could convey to their children that it would be the same, and not let them miss a second of love and security.
What they could do for their kids apart, were things that her parents could never do together. Santana would have easily have lived with this scenario than the one she had survived.
''I'm so sorry. I swear, Sam - I'm just...I'm so sorry. It should never have happened like this, and I at least have to take responsibility for that.''
She stated earnestly. Whether it was connected to the mess of unresolved issues in her gut or not, she was still an adult and she had still made a choice to have an affair with a married woman. She had still chosen to be deceitful and lie and look him in the eyes when she was doing it. For that she really was sorry. It always felt like you couldn't stop yourself but really, at the end of the day, you could always stop and put in the effort to do things the right way.
''I shouldn't have, but it's done so there's not much I can do about it now. It might take some time, but I will ask you to do something, same as I asked Quinn.''
''Name it.''
Santana nodded eagerly, ready to carry out this duty whatever it should be.
''I don't want anyone to know about the affair. When we tell everyone we're going to tell them that it wasn't working, not that Quinn cheated. If everyone knows things will be different, and if they know the girls will know, and I don't want that. It's my choice, not hers and not yours.''
It would be difficult to keep that a secret, she knew Quinn would find it hard because she would be compelled to be honest about it and not let anyone cast any blame Sam's way. She would feel compelled to do it anyway as some attempt to punish herself and apologies to him. It would mean that any move they made, they would have to wait for a certain amount of time - but maybe that would be a blessing in disguise. Maybe that would help them into fitting into a relationship as a real couple, without any of this, and simultaneously they could ease the girls into what was happening and let them adjust slowly to bits at a time.
Santana really did respect Sam, he was willing to let the blame go for the sake of his children. Willing to really work on moving forward, and not dwelling on what he couldn't change but putting effort in what could still be. He was a man apart, and that's exactly why Quinn had married him - it's what she had seen in him from the start, and it would be the saving grace of their friendship she thought. It would be nice to see them with that spark back, actually.
''Of course.''
Sam nodded tiredly, and awkwardly Santana stood, wavering a little but managing to keep her balance. She blinked, glancing around the entryway a moment before looking at him again. It would probably take some time before they didn't feel like this around one another.
''I should uh...go.''
He nodded, seeing her to the door but not saying anything as she hovered for a moment before making her way down the path. It seemed that she had told the cab she took to wait, and with a bigger sense of exhaustion she climbed into it and muttered her address.
It was a peculiar night. A peculiar few days and few months - maybe a peculiar lifetime. She had a lot of baggage, and she had been avoiding it for a long time. Now thought Santana was resolute in working through it because she didn't want to be like this anymore. She didn't want to avoid love she wanted to embrace it - she wanted to fight. Fight for Quinn, fight for a family - she wanted to fight for herself. It was time, she had been broken for far too long and she needed to put herself together and start living how she wanted to, not how she thought she was limited to.
XxXxX
She knew her apartment was occupied when she walked into it, the air was different and it smelt like Quinn. It felt familiar and it smelt more like home than anything ever had. It brought her comfort, but it also brought overwhelming fear that Quinn would tell her that they couldn't be together.
The Latina walked through into the living room, it was quiet so her footsteps were unmistakable so Quinn was already looking her way when she walked through the archway. The blonde was sitting in the loveseat near the window, lit by the lamp that was next to her.
''Hi.''
''Hi.''
''I uh...I let myself in, I didn't...I didn't want to disturb you after your set. You were amazing, Santana, like you always are.''
Santana's eyebrows lifted in surprise at the softly spoken praise, an almost sweetly shy compliment that would be offered by somebody you were only just getting to know. Quinn bashfully looked down for a moment, lifting from her seat as she rolled her tongue against her lips and cleared her throat. She looked back up at Santana after a moment, finding that the Latina had only moved to register her shock.
''You came?''
''Of course.''
Santana didn't say anything she simply swallowed and hovered where she stood, her eyes ripping away from Quinn's to gaze anywhere else as they began to sting with reality. She couldn't bare the tender tone in the blonde's voice – she couldn't stand to hear another 'I love you but I can't' type speech where she told her that she would find somebody that she could be with and all the rest of that bullshit. She had heard that speech too many times to count now.
''Are you here to end it?''
She whispered hoarsely, though it was barely a question rather than a knowing.
''Yes.''
Santana's head snapped up – the wave of emotion had swept her up now and she frowned at the blonde, eyes glistening and challenging and pleading.
''Don't. Quinn, please don't, not now...''
''Santana you don't understand...''
The brunette nodded as she took a few steps forward, desperate to get everything out all at once.
''I know you're pregnant - I don't care about that. Quinn I can be everything you need me to be, I can do all of this with you. I'll share everything with you, everything - just give me a chance. Give me a chance to prove to you, and to me, that I don't have to walk in anybody else's shadow, I'm starting to understand that now. No one has ever made me see that, no one has ever made me feel the things that you make me feel. I just...I love you so much, and I'll fight for this. Please don't give up now when we have the chance to be everything we want to be, that we can be - together.''
There was that desperation again, but it was different this time. She felt a strength well up inside her chest, a feeling that made everything surge through her, that pushed everything else out of her mind. This was everything to her so she wasn't about to stand down.
And she cried, she let every single emotion pass through her, let it pour into her words and flash through her eyes, refusing to pretend or guard herself or be anything other than who and how she was in this moment. This was the first step.
''I just pissed all over the heart of a man that would take my adultery to the grave, that wants to be friends and laughed with me like we used to laugh even though he knew I had been unfaithful to him. I broke the heart of one of the purest souls I know - why do you think it's you that isn't good enough for me? It's the opposite Santana. Even in our best hour, you make me feel things Sam never could, and if I did that to him...''
Santana shook her head, having stepped close enough to take Quinn's face in her hands, her thumbs stroking across her skin to wipe away the tears that rolled down her cheeks.
''I did it too. I gutted Brittney, I don't think she's ever been the same since. I forced her out of my life, I broke her heart, and I practically destroyed myself in the process. We have to live with that, we should live with that. It doesn't mean we can't let ourselves be happy. You brought me back to life, and when I think about the future we could have...baby, my fucking heart feels like it could burst.
The one thing I've learnt through all of this, was that history can be left as history. The past won't go away, but it doesn't have to dictate our future. I love you. I love you with everything I have, and I'm not going to fight that anymore. I'm going to fight for it, for you and a future with you - and being a family with you.
A very decent man told me tonight that maybe the unconventional is the best way to go. And I think he's right.''
Quinn blinked, and sniffed, and frowned a little because how did Santana know all of this anyway - how did she know about the baby, and had she talked to Sam? But it gave way to everything else, to the change in her dark eyes, to her smell, to her tears, to the fact that her hands were shaking against her face and her warmth - and the sheer ferocity of her love.
She had been here to end things, believing that it would be kinder for Santana. There was so much to sort through, she had so much more talking to do with Sam, they had to plan their moves. They had all kinds of decisions to make, and news to break and it was so much. And in the midst of that, they had to prepare for a baby - a baby that would be born never knowing its parents as a couple. A baby that would be received in separation.
Santana deserved to be happy, to have somebody better and without so many complications. That's how she had seen it, anyway - but she wanted her so much. And here she was, fighting, willing to be with her during all of that. telling her she could be there through it all, that they could be a family for real - that she wanted to change her life.
She was being her everything.
''Why have you never told me about what really happened in your past?''
''Because it was too difficult to admit how it makes me feel.''
''Which is what?''
''Ugly. Ashamed. Haunted. There are these demonic little voices in my head, making me believe that I'm never going to be good enough for anything or anybody. And talking about it – talking about what I saw, and what I lived through? I makes me feel vulnerable, and exposed and bare. It's not that I try to keep secrets from anyone its just…it hurts so much.''
Quinn swallowed, understanding and empathy resonating through her. Santana was fractured, maybe she was too - maybe everyone was.
''We'll be different. Better.''
The blonde stated confidently, a decisive nod emphasising her determination. Santana blinekd, and it took a few seconds for the words to really make it through her brain before she widened her eyes with a questioning, hopeful look.
''Do you...do you mean..?''
Quinn bit her bottom lip and nodded, a soft, loving smile moving across her emotional features. Santana actually shrieked, adn she wrapped her arms around Quinn and spun her around in a circle making them both laugh. A release of tension and the break through of actual joy - of excitement and happiness.
''I was seriously worried there Q, I honestly thought you were about to leave me.''
''I don't think I could ever leave you Santana. I love you.''
''I love you too, baby.''
Their kiss was not a coordinated one. It wasn't smooth or perfect, but it was everything. A little bit sloppy, salty from their tears, full of raw emotion that was still coursing through them - it had a neediness about it, but also excitement and hope, promises for the future.
They had come so very close to losing something - to sabotaging something that was special, and unique and profound. it had taken years, it had taken pain and it had taken opening up to hurt and vulnerability - but they had finally gotten there. To a point where things seemed to finally fit into place. It wasn't perfect, and it would be hard, but at least they had stripped everything back and managed to wade through the shit to connect. To understand each other, understand there was more crap to come - but to understand they could, and it was okay to, navigate through it together.