February 5, 1999
Dear Mom,
Dad and I had our first shouting match today. I say first because I'm sure it won't be our last, the way things are looking now. I told him I was changing to criminology and he accused me of not being able to let you go, that your murder was the only reason I am going to become a cop and that I'm making rash decisions based on "extenuating circumstances." Apparently you're a circumstance now, Mom. He told me I needed to start letting you go instead of fixating, and I yelled at him right back that he was a fine example, not having worked in weeks and drinking packs of beer out of the fridge. I told him you would have trusted me to make the right decision and slammed the door.
I haven't been back since. I spent the night in Lanie's dorm, although we didn't get much sleeping done. I don't know how she puts up with my instability, but I am so glad I have her to lean on.
He screamed at me, Mom. And I screamed right back at him. We always knew I'd inherited his stubbornness and your tenacity, but the combination reared its ugly head yesterday and I don't know what to think. I know he didn't mean to belittle your death. That's not what this is even about. It's just...he and I have always seen pretty eye-to-eye on everything except boyfriends and parties, and I used to value his opinion more than anything. I still do. Maybe. I think.
I'm not making a mistake, right? I know I'm headstrong, that I like diving into things without realizing the full complications. I also know that I'm persistent enough to push through any sticky messes I get myself into. But this is the rest of my life, and there's no safety net now. Not that I ever used one before, but just knowing it's gone puts a sharp edge on things. But I also know myself, and I don't think this is a snap decision. Being a cop is dangerous, but it's also rewarding. It's knowing that at the end of the day, you're making a difference. You're protecting people, maybe even saving their lives. The schedule might be erratic, but Dad and I are the only ones left to plan get-togethers and I don't see any of those happening in the near future.
I could be a really good cop, Mom. I want to do this. For us.
Love,
Kate