Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.
"Hey, Anming." Monkey spoke up as they sailed stealthily down the river on their boat. "Did you see a big coin called the Coin of Jao Ling last night? We really need to find it before tomorrow."
Anming paused to think as she stood on the rail next to the steering wheel.
"I do remember that baby Kuo was playing with this fancy looking coin while I was looking after him. He sucked on it for a while before stuffing it down his pants. It was far too big for him to swallow, so I didn't think anything of it."
"You mean that Kuo has the coin?" Crane stared.
"So that's why Fung and his gang kidnapped him." Monkey said. "They must have found out about the coin."
"Mei Ling discovered their location and tried to get her son back herself. She was outnumbered."
"How do you know this?" Mantis asked.
"I was wandering about in the forest, thinking about our engagement. I saw the whole thing."
Mantis once again went bright red.
"Keep quiet, everyone, we're almost there."
Everyone sealed their lips and gently ran the boat aground, taking care not to cause any noise.
"Anming, you stay on the boat." Mantis whispered.
"They're a hundred feet from our position, up north east." Anming answered back. "Be careful."
As the trio stealthily approached the croc bandits' camp, they could hear a pair of voices arguing.
"We've been at this all night! You do it!"
"No, you do it!"
"I'm the boss, and what I say goes!"
"But boss, this is so gross!"
"Look, if we wanna get that coin, Gary, someone is gonna hafta change this baby's diaper!"
"But why does it have to be me? Oh, and it's Gah-ri."
There was a crash as Fung shoved his subordinate.
"They're such idiots." Crane muttered and he and his friends slipped into the bushes.
"Mantis, take a look." Monkey said.
Mantis peeked through the bushes.
Several small tents surrounded a campfire in a large clearing in the middle of the bamboo forest. Snores could be heard coming from said tents. The only two bandits visible were Fung and Gah-ri. They were busy arguing over baby Kuo, who was sitting on a flat rock, giggling and sucking his thumb. Mei Ling was standing tied to a post a few meters from the camp, a gag over her mouth, her terrified eyes fixed on her son.
Mantis pulled his head back and told his friends what he had seen.
"Alright, here's the plan." Monkey said. "Mantis, you create a distraction south of the camp. Once they are far enough away from the camp, Crane, you free Mei Ling and I'll grab the baby. Then we all run back to the boat and get the heck out of here."
"No fighting?" Mantis asked.
"Not with a baby involved. It's too risky. Let's go."
Tak!
"What was that?" Fung asked, startled.
"Don't know. It came down south."
"Go check it out, Gary."
"It's Gah-"
Fung shoved him again. Gah-ri picked up his spear and headed down south to investigate the noise.
"Alright, baby." Fung turned back to little Kuo, who stared up at him innocently with wide eyes. "We're either gonna do this the easy way, or the hard way!"
The baby cooed. A foul stench emanated from his pants.
"Now you either give me that coin, or I'm gonna hafta take it from ya!"
Mei Ling let out a muffled snarl beneath her gag.
The baby stared up at the croc bandit in silence… and then screwed his eyes and stuck out his tiny tongue.
Fung felt the heat rise up in his face.
"Looks like we're gonna do this the hard-"
WHAM!
For an instant, Fung felt something slam into his face, and then he was flying across the clearing. As Monkey gently picked up baby Kuo (wrinkling his nose from the stench as he did so), Crane glided over to Mei Ling and cut her free with once slice of his wing.
The mountain cat ripped off her gag and grinned at her old friend.
"It's good to see you Crane! I thought for a minute there that…" She stopped talking when she caught sight of Crane's bare butt.
"Not… one… word." Crane said, and then he and Mei Ling rushed over to Monkey. The group was quickly joined by Mantis.
"Oh, Kuo!" Mei Ling grabbed her son from Monkey and hugged him close, too relieved to be repulsed by the stench of his soiled pants. "You had me so worried!"
"Come on, let's get outta here!" Mantis yelled.
The group took off into the forest.
"Darnit!" Fung got to his feet and flung his helmet down in anger. "Wake up guys, they're getting away!"
"We got them! Let's go!"
Anming grabbed the steering wheel as the group rushed onto the boat.
"Mei Ling!" Crane panted. "You have to change Kuo and get that coin!"
"What coin?"
"Kuo has this really valuable coin stuffed in his pants! You need to get it out quick!"
"Alright!" Mei Ling quickly took her son below deck.
Monkey and Crane pushed the boat back into the river as they heard angry voices coming closer and closer: the croc gang was up and after them.
"Anming, what are you doing?" Mantis asked in astonishment as the female praying mantis expertly swerved the boat round and sailed it down river.
"Don't worry, my father taught me to sail a boat!" Anming replied. She positioned herself on top of the wheel, leaning to the side so that the boat effortlessly swerved round the river bend. Mantis stared at her in surprise and… dare he say it… admiration.
Back on the river bank, Fung and his bandits shouted at them in fury. Fung could clearly be heard yelling "Darnitall!" And flinging his helmet once again.
"This route should take us straight to the Wu Dan Mountains!" Crane said.
A few minutes passed, and they sailed the boat in silence. Then Mei Ling emerged from below decks with her son in one hand and a large golden coin in the other.
"Here's your coin." Said Mei Ling. "Don't worry I gave it a very thorough clean."
Monkey took the coin gratefully.
"Thank you so much for saving my son."
"No, thank you." Crane said. "With this coin, we can finally get Po back!"
At Crane's words, a feeling of intense relief fell upon the trio. It was almost over. In a couple of hours, they were going to get Po back.
The sky was beginning to lighten as the boat ran aground on the bank of the forest just beneath the Wu Dan Mountains.
"You two wait here!" Monkey said as he, Mantis and Crane leapt off the boat and rushed in the direction of the mountain path.
The sun had risen into the sky by the time the trio reached the Pool of Sacred Tears. Jong and a dozen soldiers were already there, waiting for them.
"So you three made it." Said Jong. "Where's my coin?"
"We've got it right here!" Monkey held up the coin for the lord to see. Jong smiled, and raised his hand to receive it.
"Very good. Hand it over!"
"Hang on a second." Crane put a wing in front of Monkey and stepped forward. "Hi, it's good to meet you. And you son. Sorry about kidnapping him, by the way."
Jong's son scowled.
"But before we give you the coin, we would really… really like to know where Po is, and that he's alright. Could you please tell us where he is before we give you the coin?"
"He's fine." Said Jong. "He's down the mountain with the rest of my men. Once I get my coin, I'll have my men bring him up here and you can have him back safe and sound. If I don't get my coin in the next ten seconds, I'll have my men kill him, and then I'll have them kill every last one of you."
There was no doubt that Jong meant every word of that last sentence.
"Here you go!" Monkey said quickly, and tossed the coin across the clearing. Jong caught the coin in one hand and examined it closely. The trio watched with bated breath. Then Jong grinned, satisfied. The coin was genuine.
"Bring him up!" Jong called. Two soldiers rushed past him and down the mountain path.
Monkey, Crane and Mantis simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief.
That was when a hundred imperial soldiers burst from behind the boulders surrounding the pool.
"Whoa, what the…" Mantis ducked beneath a tiny rock as Jong's eyes widened.
The trio, Jong and his soldiers shouted in alarm as they were surrounded in seconds.
"What the heck is going on?" Mantis and Jong yelled at the same time.
An elderly orange lizard stepped out from among the ring of soldiers.
"Master Chao?" The trio gasped.
The head of the Sacred Onyx Council eyed Jong coldly.
"Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow," the lizard said. "You are under arrest for the theft of the Blade of Bao Ding, the Dagger of Denwa, the Shank of Shantou, and the attempted theft of the Coin of Jao Ling."
As a furious Jong and his men were led away in cuffs, Chao approached the stunned trio.
"Master Chao, what's going on?" Monkey asked.
"We've been investigating Jong's activities for months." Chao explained. "My spies were following Jong and witnessed the exchange between himself and you three on the river. Once I learned that the Dragon Warrior had apparently been abducted by Jong, I had my men raid the estate."
"You were spying on us?" Monkey stared.
"For crying out loud, where's Po?" Mantis yelled.
"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Crane snapped, his eyes filled with fury and despair. "Jong never had Po! He lied so we would give him the coin!"
"I'm afraid he's right." Said Chao. "We raided the estate, but we found no sign of the panda anywhere. I'm very sorry."
"So you have no idea whatsoever as to where Po actually is?" Monkey nearly shouted.
"No, I'm afraid not. Now if you don't mind, I have prisoners to transport."
Chao walked off.
The trio stared at each other in dismay.
There was nothing else that could be done.
Knock, knock!
The door opened to reveal both Viper and Tigress. Both looked half-relieved and half-angry.
"Where have you three been?" Tigress snapped. "And whe…" Her eyes widened at the sight of them. "What the heck happened to you guys?"
"Guys… we…" Monkey glanced at his friends, who stared at their feet in shame. "We screwed up."
"What are you talking about?" Viper asked.
"The party… the whole night… things just got out of control… and we…" Monkey closed his eyes. "We lost Po."
There was a long silence.
"What?" Viper and Tigress said at the same time.
"We lost Po."
"What are you talking about?" Tigress nearly shouted. "He's supposed to be at the festival in four hours for the ceremony!"
"I'm sorry…" Monkey sighed. "But that's not going to happen…"