A/N: *Grins sheepishly* Um well I've been neglecting this story for so long that I don't know if anyone is actually interested in reading it anymore, but I will continue. After I suffered from writer's block, I had lost interest in the story (BrainFogBetty gave me some good advice on how to get over my writers block, and it actually worked out quite well). However, I had a couple of people who were clearly frustrated with me for not updating it for so long, so I realized immediate action had to be taken, and I had to get back to work on it. I really understand how annoying it is when someone abandons a story half way through.
I have to admit that when I went back and read through everything I had written so far, there are a few chapters, particularly the ones from the beginning that I am not overly happy with. I kind of think that the writing seems to fall flat in some parts. At this point I probably won't do much with them except fix some grammatical errors. I did go through the first chapter and tried to make it flow a bit better, but I hardly changed it at all.
So, I dedicate this chapter to everyone who reminded me to continue with this fic, and to everyone who is still interested in reading it. :D
Here be the newest chappie:
Chapter 10
The walk home was mostly silent, and Leonardo was somewhat puzzled by this. He stole a few glances towards his hot headed brother, wondering what was clearly bothering him now.
Shortly before they left the bar, Raphael seemed to have taken a vow of silence. It was strange considering that they were getting along and actually having a good time. Raphael didn't appear to be angry or sullen, which was the mood that usually accompanied his silence. Rather, he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. In fact, Leo couldn't help but wonder if Raph even remembered he wasn't alone. Shaking his head to himself, he decided it was best not to try and figure out what was up with his brother. These things were usually best left alone.
Soon, the two of them walked into the entrance of their home, and after saying goodnight to each other, they both headed off in their own direction.
---
As he stood in the kitchen, looking for a late night snack, Raphael replayed the night in his head and mentally kicked himself for being so stupid and so careless. What the hell did he think was going to happen? That they were going to have a few laughs and suddenly Leo would realize how much he wanted him? Did he really think the key to Leo's heart was taking him out to a bar and drinking liquor? And then there was that fucked up moment when he stared at Leo with that love sick look on his face, like that night they were watching that movie. Leo saw him doing that both times. Yup that was just fucking brilliant, good old turtle luck running true to form.
Suddenly, Raphael heard someone standing behind him. He turned to find Donatello leaning against the doorframe with that look in his eyes. The one that said 'I know something's up and I will not rest until I have answers'.
Raphael sighed to himself. Donatello was literally unstoppable when he became like that. Once, Raphael had accidentally trashed his motor cycle when he was trying out some new stunts on it. He had tried his best to fix up the damages, and then stored it away to keep Donatello from seeing the evidence until he had the chance to get his hands on some equipment to completely overhaul the bike.
Right, like that ever would've worked.
Two days later when Don found the bike stashed away, he became like an unstoppable force of nature in his questioning Raph. One morning, Raphael had found his brother in his room, staring down at him in such a disapproving way that it even rivalled Leo's glares. He had actually gone as far as to remove the barricade Raphael had proudly installed in front of his bedroom door, complete with locks, bolts and chains. Of course, that left Raphael baffled as to how he managed to get past all of that. It was information that Don refused to give up.
"What's up Don?" Raphael asked tiredly, really not in the mood to get into it with his brainy brother.
"I don't know Raph, I was hoping you would tell me what was up." Don replied in a way that indicated he was in for it now.
"Fuck Donnie. What do ya want? Just spill it."
Don stared at his brother for a moment wondering the best way to approach the subject without Raph going off on him. "Look, I'm just worried about what's going on around here. Everyone is acting so strangely, and I think you know why."
"I don't know what you're talkin' about" Raphael mumbled, suddenly not so hungry any more.
"Raph I think it has to do with all this drama around the Marissa incident. You're keeping something hidden, and Mike is in on it."
Raphael felt the blood drain from his face. He had to get out of the room fast. Although he realized that bolting out of the room would, without a doubt, raise Don's suspicions even more, he couldn't stand being questioned on a topic that was so fragile to him at the moment.
"Jeez Don, just get off my back okay? I don't know what the fuck you're goin' on about, and to be perfectly honest I don't care, so I'm goin' to bed."
With that, Raphael brushed past his brother and started towards the safety of his room.
"I think I know what's going on Raph" Don said after him.
"Let it go Don" Raphael replied with a warning in his tone.
"Raph, wait" Donatello said urgently as he caught up to his brother and placed a hand on his arm to stop him.
Raphael shrugged his hand off, and continued on his way.
"Raph…do you have feelings for Leo? More than the brotherly kind?"
Right then and there, Raphael felt his heart stop beating in his chest as he came to a sudden halt. It was a moment before he could get his mouth to form words. "What did you say?" Raphael whispered without turning around.
He heard his brother cautiously approach him from behind. "Look, Raph I'm not going to say anything if that's what you're thinking. I would never say anything to Leo or anyone else, and I'm not upset at you, but are you after him?"
Raphael couldn't bring himself to face his brother. Now Don knew? Was there some fucking parade that announced his deepest secrets to the world? Fuck! Did Leo know?
"Raph" Don said softly, not wanting to damage the situation. "Please talk to me. You can trust me you know"
"Does Leo know?" Raphael asked quietly without facing his brother.
"No, no. Leo has no idea" Don assured him, shocked that Raphael was actually confirming his suspicions.
Raphael sucked in his breath and turned to face Donatello.
"Raphie, look" Don started unaware of how badly this was affecting Raphael. "I just don't want you to get hurt bro. I don't think that going after Leo would be a very good idea. He might not react well if you tell him."
At those words, he wanted to hit Don so badly, Raphael could feel his fist's shaking at his sides. What the fuck did Don think was going to happen? Did he think that Raphael saw a potential relationship with Leo? Did he not see that Raphael knew exactly how badly this could spiral out of control if Leo ever found out?
"Get out of my face Don. Now!" Raphael spat.
Don looked at him shocked. He didn't realize that he had pushed his brother too far. Without another word, Don nodded in understanding, and backed off.
Raphael turned on his heel and stalked off to his bedroom, where he shut the door and collapsed on his bed.
After awhile, Raphael finally gathered up enough ambition, and moved towards the edge of his bed where he sat and removed his weapons and eye mask.
He groaned to himself as he dropped his face into his hands. He couldn't keep this up any longer. He didn't have the strength to keep pretending he didn't have these feelings anymore, which he was doing an incredibly crappy job at anyway. Thank god Leo still appeared to be blissfully ignorant as to what was really going on. Mike knew, and now Don had figured it out. He wouldn't doubt it if Splinter knew all along, so it was only a matter of time before Leo put it all together.
The most important thing now was that he could never let Leo know what he was feeling. Not only did it scare him more than anything else imaginable to face the utter horror of his brother's outright rejection, but the thought of having to face him after the said rejection, knowing that their bonds of brotherhood and their new found friendship would be completely destroyed.
With a great shudder, Raphael raised his head out of his hands and stared blankly at the wall in front of him. He knew what he had to do. He had to gain control over his emotions and figure out a way to deal with his problem before he brought destruction to the rest of the family. He had to leave for awhile until he got his head straightened out. Raphael resolved to talk to his father in the morning about taking off on his own for awhile. He wouldn't reveal his reason for wanting to leave, but he would stress the importance of it in hopes that Splinter would realize how strongly Raphael felt about it.
-----
Raphael woke up the following morning, his head pounding from the tormented and confusing thoughts that refused to leave him, even in sleep.
With a sigh, he forced himself out of bed and put his gear back on for the day. He wanted to talk to Master Splinter before breakfast, so he hurried himself along, hoping to catch his father in his room before the day began.
As Raphael stood outside of his father's door, hand ready to knock, Splinter called out for him to enter before he made a move.
In spite of his foul mood, Raphael couldn't help but grin to himself at the trait that he use to find annoying in his younger days when he would try and sneak out of the lair without his father knowing. Of course, his dear old dad always seemed to know what was going on around him, and Raphael got caught almost every time. It was funny how something that use to piss him off so much, he now found endearing in the old rat.
Raphael opened the door and closed it behind him. He stood in front of his sensei and bowed to him.
"Kneel my son" Splinter gently ordered.
Raphael dropped to his knees in front of his father, realizing he had no idea how he should approach the subject.
"Something is bothering you Raphael?"
Raphael nodded his head, feeling nervousness and dread slither through his stomach. "I'm havin' some personal issues" he finally said after a moment of silence.
"What kind of personal issues?" The old rat inquired.
"I'm kind of goin' through something emotionally…well…I don't really know how to explain it, but I have some things that I have to work out on my own for awhile." Raphael supplied, praying his father wouldn't ask for any deep explanations.
"I see" Splinter said stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Were you thinking of dealing with these problems away from your family and home?"
Raphael lowered his gaze for a moment before meeting his father's eyes again "I think that it would be for the best Sensei"
"And how long do you think you will need to deal with your inner conflict?"
At this Raphael had no good answer. He had never been in love before, much less with his own brother. How long did it take to get over something like that?
"I don't really know. Two months. Maybe six, or possibly a year."
"A year?" Splinter repeated, his ears flattening back against his head. "Where were you thinking of going to resolve the problem you are facing?"
Raphael shrugged "I don't know. I thought I'd just travel around for awhile."
Splinter looked thoughtful once again. "How would you feel about going to stay with the Ancient One for awhile? I feel that he may be able to help you in your quest, as he helped Leonardo in his. He would also be able to provide you with further training in ninjitsu."
Raphael thought on this for a moment. It actually seemed like a much better plan than just roaming aimlessly around the country, brooding the whole time. "Yeah that actually sounds like a great idea Sensei"
Splinter nodded in agreement. "I will contact the Ancient One and make the arrangements"
Raphael looked at his father, relieved that he was so understanding, and not asking a lot of questions. "Thanks" he said gratefully.
Splinter stood up, walked to his kneeling son and placed a furry hand on his shoulder. "I understand that you need some time my son. I only hope that you have thought this through, and are looking to resolve your inner conflict, not run from it."
With that, the old rat hobbled out of the room, leaving Raphael still kneeling, as he thought about that for a moment. Yes he was running, there was no doubt about that, but he also wanted to get away so he could resolve the problem. That is, if it's possible to resolve something like this. But he had to leave. This wasn't the kind of thing you could bring up and talk about over a nice family discussion. Letting Leonardo know what was really going on inside would be a devastating blow. In fact, his brother would probably end up hating him for it. Could he blame him for it? No, Raphael wouldn't be able to live with the looks of disgust his brother would surely give him. He felt he had two choices. Either he did something to rid himself of these feelings, or continued to live under the same roof as Leo until he found out the truth. If it came to that, Raphael knew that he would have to leave permanently. He wouldn't be able to spend his life living under the same roof as Leo knowing how much he loathed him.
With a sigh, Raphael picked himself up, far from ready to face the day.
-----
Later that evening, Leonardo found himself actually bored. What did he use to do with his evenings before Marissa came along? He had done some light reading, meditated, cleaned around the lair, visited with his father, and helped Don out on his latest project earlier in the afternoon. A couple of hours ago, he had done some additional practice, showered, and now he was sitting in front of the television, unable to concentrate on the mindless babbling.
He really had to get out for awhile. "Hey guys" Leo said trying to get Mike and Don's attention.
"Uh" Mike grunted in response.
Leo rolled his eyes "Do you guys want to go out for a bit? Go for a run, or play ninja tag or something to get out of this place?"
"Na" Don responded, not really listening as his eyes stayed faithfully glued to the television.
"Oh for the love of…" Leo relented throwing his hands in the air. If there was one thing both Mike and Don had in common, was their utter devotion to corny super hero movies.
With a sigh, he got up and soon found himself standing in front of Raphael's room. With a light knock on the door, Leo waited for a response.
"Come in" a muffled voice called out.
Leo pushed the door open, and to his surprise, Raphael appeared to be cleaning his room.
"Feeling ambitious?" Leo asked with a teasing grin.
"Uh well, I'm just trying to get things in order." Raphael answered as he glanced back down at his belongings that were slowly finding their way back off of the floor and to their original spots.
"In order for what?" Leo chuckled "I think this is a first"
Raphael glanced at his brother, and then guilty looked away. He had to find a way to tell his brothers that he was going to be leaving them for awhile. Shell that was going to be hard.
"Hey so I was wondering if you wanted to head topside with me for awhile?" Leonardo asked, leaning against Raphael's door frame.
"Um yeah, sure why not?" Raphael agreed. He dropped his arm load of junk back on the floor and grabbed his sai. "Let's go"
-----
After awhile, the two brothers were once again standing on a rooftop after running for several miles.
Leonardo glanced at his brother who seemed to be unusually quiet that night. "Is something bothering you Raph" Leo inquired "You're so quiet tonight. Same as last night after we left the bar."
Raphael took a deep breath. He knew he had to tell his brothers he was leaving, but for some reason he felt he should tell Leo first in private. He didn't know if it was because Leo was their leader, or because it was Leo he had fallen for, or even possibly it was because Leo was the reason he was leaving. Whatever it was, he felt he at least owed it to his brother to let him know before the others.
"I'm leaving for awhile Leo"
"Leaving?" Leonardo asked puzzled as to what Raphael was talking about.
"Yeah, I'm going to Japan to stay with the Ancient One for awhile." Raphael said as he glanced up from the glittering city skyline to see the shocked look of his brother was giving him.
"Japan? The Ancient One? Why?" Leo asked, completely floored as to why his brother wanted to leave the clan.
"I have some complicated shit that I need to work out, and I just need some time away for awhile" Raphael replied, unsure if telling Leo right now really was such a good idea.
"For how long?" he demanded.
"That's the thing Leo. I don't know"
"Come on Raph, you must have some idea. How long have you been planning this? When are you leaving? Did you even talk to Master Splinter about it?"
"Possibly up to a year, but probably only a few months, I've decided this a few days ago, I'm leaving in a few days and yes Master Splinter has given me his blessing. He's making the arrangements." Raphael answered in one long breath.
When nothing but silence greeted his ears, Raphael looked up once again at his brother to find a look of pure hurt on his Leo's face. The look pierced his heart him much worse than he would have anticipated. He had to force himself not to reach out and touch his brother.
"A year?! Raph that's insane!" Leo finally exploded "What so complicated in your life right now? Things are better than ever between the family!"
Raphael turned away and glared at his hands tightly gripping the ledge of the building. Why did Leo have to complicate things so much? Master Splinter had been understanding, so why couldn't Leo? Shell, Leo had done it himself. Granted, Raphael hadn't exactly understood when Leo had to leave.
"Look, I can't explain why I'm going, but its something I gotta do."
"Fine Raph, if you've got to go, then you've got to go. But I think I deserve some kind of explanation." Leonardo felt his head swimming as he tried to sort through the wave of emotions he was feeling. His throat went dry, and he felt shaky inside. Why was this affecting him so badly? When he left for Japan, did his brothers feel this way inside?
Leonardo tried to swallow at the lump that was building in his throat. He didn't understand why he was reacting so horribly to the news, but he knew that the thought of Raph leaving for god knew how long was cutting him more deeply than he would have thought possible.
"I can't talk to you about this" Raphael said in a voice that indicated he was done talking about it.
"Okay Raph" Leonardo responded coolly, as he tried to push down the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. If Raphael wanted to start pushing him away again after the progress they had recently made in the way of their friendship, then there was nothing he would do to change his brother's mind.
-------
Once the movie ended, Donatello reached over and picked up the remote control. He really needed to talk to someone about what was going on with Raph. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, it down right freaked him out that Raphael had developed feelings for one of them, a brother. Shell, he knew how hard it was for normal human beings to find the right someone, but a mutant animal living underground finding love with a human? The odds were less than slim. Especially since they actually only knew a handful of people. It was sheer luck that Leo had found someone, but like most relationships, that one didn't seem like it was going to work out.
Donatello flicked off of the television and turned to Michelangelo. "I know what's going on Mikey" he said in the most even, serious tone he could muster up. He wanted his brother to grasp the seriousness of the situation, and not treat it like some joke.
"You know what?" Mike asked, poorly disguising the nervous look that flashed across his features.
"I know about Raph, I know that you know."
"What do you know? And how do you know that I know?"
"I know that you know what I know"
"Yeah but how do you know that I know that you know what…I mean…I know that…Shell, now I'm confused"
Don sighed in frustration. "Raph has feelings for Leo. Feelings of the sexual variety" he hissed lowly to prevent his Sensei from overhearing.
"EEP" Michelangelo squeaked as he glanced around for someone who could potentially be listening in.
"This is bad Mikey! What happens if Raph blurts it out someday when he's mad? You know he can't control his mouth when he gets all worked up. Leo might not take too kindly to the news, and that could drive a permanent wedge in their already fragile relationship. That would affect us all Mikey, as a family and as a team."
"Don, you might not have noticed, but Raph and Leo have been growing closer than ever. I don't know what I would classify their relationship as, but I wouldn't call it fragile anymore."
Donatello considered this for a moment as he stared intently at his brother. "Maybe you're right on that. I guess I've been more focused on finding out why everyone has been acting so mysterious, and I never really noticed that they've been getting along much better."
"See Donnie, I think Raph will figure out what to do. He's been pretty careful so far."
Don nodded his head in agreement, yet he still felt that nagging sensation in the pit of his stomach. "The other thing is…It's just…Mikey, we're brothers. Doesn't it bother you that Raph suddenly wants Leo?"
"Well I guess it a bit shocking at first, but Donnie think about it. If we don't have each other, then who do we have?"
Donatello let Mike's words sink into his head. Shell, what exactly was Mike implying here? He shook his head, clearing away the thoughts that threatened to linger and consume him. "Well I guess I don't really have to worry about it anyway. Raph can focus his sexual energy on Leo all he wants; because it's not like Leo is gay.
Mike shook his head. "It's not like that at all. Raph doesn't want Leo because he is attracted to him. I mean come on; you don't think that he's a virgin do you? He's been with different women." Mike explained "Don, he really is falling for Leo and if you don't think that all the fears you just voiced to me, hasn't been running through Raph's head every single moment since he discovered his true feelings, then your sadly mistaken bro. And besides, Raph still likes women to. Who's to say that Leo doesn't swing both ways as well?"
Don gaped at his brother momentarily. "Raph's bi?"
"Uh huh"
"Oh"
"Shit" Don muttered after a moment "I guess I never stopped to consider how hard this must be for Raph to deal with. I just assumed that he would jump into this without really considering the consequences of his actions. Jeez, I was kind of insensitive when I cornered him about it last night. Man I've been an idiot about this"
This time it was Michelangelo's turn to gape "Seriously, you cornered Raph about this and he didn't try and maim you? Wow he must be more deeply afraid of this hurting us than even I realized."
Don grinned sheepishly. "I guess I'll have to apologize to him"
"I'm sure he'll understand bro" Mike replied grinning happily. "By the way, how did you find out about Raph anyway?"
Don shrugged his shoulders "I just put all the clues together. When I asked Raph about it, I still had my doubts that it was actually true. I was pretty surprised to find out I was actually right."
Mike laughed "I can't believe you asked him that without him kicking your ass."
"Lucky I guess"
A sudden banging as the front door swung open in a hurry startled both turtles. They turned around to find none other than April and Casey rushing in.
"Guys, we've got a huge problem" April called out as she rushed forward.
"What's wrong April?" Donatello asked as he and Michelangelo left their seat on the sofa to join their friends. He was surprised to see how utterly pissed off, scared and upset both of them looked.
"Donnie, Mikey" April said sadly "You're secret is out"
"Secret?" Donatello asked puzzled as to what his friend was talking about.
April looked as if she was on the verge of tears as Casey handed them a copy of a tabloid magazine.
The two brothers glanced down at the headlines of the paper in Don's hand. 'I'm Dating A Mutant Turtle' the title read.
Don felt as if someone threw a bucket of ice cold water on him as he unfolded the paper to find himself staring at a huge picture of Leonardo asleep on someone's sofa, splashed on the front page.
Michelangelo gasped beside him and turned away. "Nonononono" he muttered to himself as he rubbed at his temples.
Don gripped the paper so tightly in his hands, some of the pages started to rip under the pressure. He quickly read through the article and felt his heart sinking in his chest. He knew who did this to the family, who did this to his brother. The girl Leo trusted and gave his heart to. "Marissa did this" he said out loud.
Michelangelo turned to face his brother, looking even more shocked than before. "Oh my god" he whispered. "Why would she do that to Leo? To us? What the hell are we going to do?"
"Mike" Don ordered "Go get Master Splinter"
As Mike turned and hurried out of the room, Casey placed a supporting hand on his friend's shoulder "I'm so sorry Donnie. You know you guys are welcome to use the farm house if you gotta get outta here for awhile"
Don nodded his head, unable to really acknowledge the presence of anyone else at the moment as his mind was racing with jumbled thoughts he couldn't even begin to make sense of.
"Don, where's Raph and Leo?" Casey asked.
He felt his heart sink even lower as he realized he had no idea where his brothers had gone off to. "Damn!" he exclaimed as he smacked his head.
Muttering to himself, he grabbed his shell cell and tried to reach Raph, as he knew Leo's phone was currently out of commission. Faintly, he could hear Raphael's phone ringing from his bedroom, where he had no doubt left it on his night stand. "Great. Just great" he fumed.
"Donatello" Splinter called out as he made his way from his room, with Michelangelo following closely behind. "What has happened?"
Donatello quickly briefed his father on what the article had said, then handed him the paper to see with his own eyes.
The old rat's ears flattened against his skull as he read through the paper. Finally, he lowered the paper, revealing the grave look on his face.
"Donatello, did you try and contact your brothers?" Splinter inquired.
"Yes sensei, but Leo's phone is broken, and Raph didn't take his." Don replied.
Splinter nodded in acknowledgement. "Casey, do you have your phone with you?
"Yeah, I got it right here" Casey replied as he pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket.
"Would look for them and bring them home? I fear we cannot wait until morning as people will be looking to find us. We will have to leave New York immediately.
"I'll find 'em Master Splinter" Casey promised as he jogged towards the main door and hurried out into the darkness.
"Donatello, you have taken extra precautions to ensure our home is well enough hidden from anyone who may wander through the sewers, have you not?
"I have sensei, but I will dispose of any evidence that may reveal our identities, just to be sure."
"I'll put out the albums and hang the pictures and stuff" Mike offered, referring to the pictures of people they had scavenged at the dump and kept aside in hopes that if anyone discovered their home, they would at least think that it was people who dwelled there and not mutant turtles.
"April, would you mind helping us pack up the belongings we will be taking?" Splinter asked.
"No, not at all. Whatever you need, I'll help you with" April replied.
"Donatello, Michelangelo, once you are through, please begin to pack up Raphael and Leonardo's more prized possessions and some essentials they will need. I am afraid they will not have time to do so."
"Yes sensei" they replied in unison.
"Master Splinter, what if we can't find Raph and Leo soon? I mean the article says that we live in the sewers, so won't that mean people will be down here looking for us? Even if the story does lack credibility being a tabloid and all?" Michelangelo asked.
Splinter nodded. "That is why we must leave immediately. Our home is no longer safe from the outside world as long as there are people out there that believe in our existence. If Casey cannot find Raphael and Leonardo, then I'm afraid we will have to go on without them. They know that if we are to become separated without the aid of communication, then the farm house is one of our meeting points."
Suddenly Donatello's cell phone started to ring. He wondered if Casey found them already. "Hello?"
"Don…" Casey panted on the other end "Ya ain't got any time left, the sewers are filled with people looking for ya's already. I'm sorry but ya gotta go now, there's no time for packin' up your stuff. I'll keep lookin' for Raph and Leo, and hope to god I find them before they venture back into the sewers."
"Okay Casey, We're leaving now" Don agreed as he hung up the phone. He quickly filled his family in on what Casey had told him, and in a few minutes they were all piled into the battle shell, with a few bare essentials grabbed on the way out.
Soon, they were headed out of New York, leaving their home behind. Donatello glanced from the driver's seat towards his brother sitting in the seat beside him. Silent tears were streaming down Michelangelo's face as he watched the city skyline fade into the distance.