Beep! Beep! There's mentions of sex! But not boy on boy, just plot constructive, so don't get too excited, dirty fangirls. JK! Just playing with you.
Please enjoy and review:
"Matvey? What's wrong?" Ivan asked, wrapping his thick arms around Matthew, who had tears running down his cheeks.
"No-nothing. Listen, Ivan, I'm really sorry for earlier-"
"Don't be. I understand. You have a tender heart. You went after him because you're so kind you won't even consider treating your enemies like the scum they are," Ivan said reassuringly, almost jokingly. Matthew smiled, snickering a little. "I'm too nice, huh?" he sighed, his grin a little bitter. "Another reason I'm such a weakling."
He gasped as he felt hands gripping his stomach, interlocking with each other into an inescapable mesh. He felt Ivan's chin in his hair.
"Don't ever mistake kindness for weakness," Ivan murmured. "You are a good person. And that's not a flaw."
Matthew blushed, suddenly warm and flattered and a tad embarrassed.
"Um thanks," he said.
"There is something I'd change about you, though. But it's not a flaw. It's just something that frustrates me deeply. Your need to protect people who don't deserve it. What did Beilschmidt do? I know he said or did something because you were crying. I hate to see my Matvey cry. Remember, you can trust me."
"No really, it's nothing," Matthew insisted.
"Matvey, to me, it's not nothing. Now what did he say? What did he do?" Ivan's voice grew menacing.
"He-he just kept talking about himself and his glory and how much lower I am and how pointless my existence is. I just got so frustrated and tired of it, so I ran away. Like I always do," here Matthew sighed. He was trying to make his lie convincing. Honestly, he couldn't say he didn't know why he was lying to Ivan. He knew exactly why. Something about that moment he wanted to keep to himself. The kiss. He wasn't sure what to make of it yet. It hurt, but not physically and that was what confused him. He wanted to think about it later, but right now, he didn't want Ivan to be upset.
But was Ivan seeing passed the cover?
"Hmm. Gilbert Beilschmidt. That asshole. Why can't I kill him for you? It'd be so much easier without him around."
Matthew laughed, half in relief, half in amusement and half in uneasy tension.
"Right. But we're not going to do it, right, Ivan?" he asked, only half joking.
"What? Oh sure, sure, absolutely," Ivan said, only half kidding. He was a little suspicious, but... Matvey wouldn't lie to him, would he?
No, no, his Matvey loved him.
And maybe feared him a little.
But that was alright.
Everyone did.
As long as he knew he was loved, it didn't matter if fear was present too.
If anything, it was better.
Gilbert exhaled deeply.
Then inhaled.
Then exhaled just as deeply.
Damn! That kiss had spun his head around! He felt like he was flying. But not the kind of drug-inhanced fantasy flying. Like every molecule of his being was suddenly happy and satisfied with his life. Like his being was justified. Like every drop of his blood was electrified. Like he'd finally done the one thing he'd always wanted to do! Like his life was complete! Like he was finally as awesome he always believed and told himself he was!
But like a drug experience, once it's over, that after-buzz feeling fades and everything looks boring again. He gradually calms down.
And he stops feeling like a dork.
Why was he reacting like this?
He wasn't some little girl who'd had her first kiss.
No, he was Gilbert fucking Beilschmidt! He wasn't even a virgin anymore!
So why did a silly little kiss have his head spinning and throbbing? Why was this the best kiss he'd ever had, the best intimate moment he'd ever had, when it was just a kiss and it had lasted a second?
That kiss.
Gilbert touched his lips, a little bemused.
Amazing. He even thought Matthew had started to respond before coming to his senses.
Gilbert sighed dreamily, feeling like a teenage girl with a crush.
Well, it was no crush.
He was in love with the Canadian.
Always had been, but now, things were-
Suddenly his thought process froze.
What the hell was he thinking?
In love? With Matthew?
No. He couldn't allow it. It couldn't happen.
What had changed?
Nothing, his inner voice told him.
Exactly! Nothing's changed! Nothing's different!
You're just saying that because you know that nothing's the same anymore. And you're scared of change. The moment you kissed him like that, you knew there was no going back! And that scares you! So what now? You're in love with someone you're afraid is better than you, right? And that makes them better than you, doesn't it?
Gilbert tugged at his white hair, his outward appearance not revealing the insanity within.
But he himself doesn't believe it, right? So why is your "awesomness" threatened? Why so angry, Gil? Why so upset? You love him and you know it. Why deny it? What, you think by denying it, you can make it not so?
A girl walked passed him.
She has a nice ass, he thought absentmindedly, as the girl walked by. Throwing a coy look over her shoulder, blond hair cascading down her back into graceful curls, she flutters her deep blue eyes.
Blue.
It was a lovely color, but it didn't make his heart flutter.
No, those eyes didn't capture him.
You never even used to care about people's eyes before him. Eyes are the doors to the soul, right? Every time you looked into those eyes and saw pain, you knew him, inside and out, because the person he was, is what you made him to be. He's the way he is because of you. The person he is now, is Ivan's. He was yours before, wasn't he? But now he's Ivan's. And you're going to lose him. He's not yours anymore.
He was never mine! Gilbert replied.
He does her, of course. Gilbert would have sex with any girl who offered herself to him. And this girl? She was clearly looking for a good time and he would deliver.
Even if he was never yours, you thought he was, didn't you? And what you think, is right, right Gil? If you believe it's so, then it is. That's your theory.
They had sex in her car. It's not very original (Gilbert had had sex in crazier places), but Gilbert feels excitement well up in his chest. It's the thrill, the fear of being caught that excites him. Not this girl. She wasn't what he wanted. She was just something he'd mess around with until he was done.
She wasn't something he'd get to know, care about, hold close to him in the night, come to love.
But the awesome Gilbert couldn't love anyone, could he? He can't care about anyone but himself.
His inner voice is disgusted with him. And he is disgusted himself.
He feels like he's cheating on someone.
Matthew was not his! They weren't dating, they weren't in love and they absolutely hated each other.
The girl groaned. Gilbert Beilschmidt! Other girls had told him how rough he could be, but this was just intense! He was rough and he was wild and crazy and she just loved it!
Gilbert was a little disgusted by how much she was enjoying this.
Slut.
But really, could he say he was any different? Just having sex for the sake of having it?
He wasn't even enjoying it. Just doing it to spite himself.
You may not be cheating on Mattie, but you are cheating on yourself. You know this isn't what you want and you're still doing it anyway. That feeling of betrayal? It's you, betraying your own feelings. It's you, Gil. And that's a problem.
With a jolt, Gilbert realized it was Matthew's voice.
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H...O...L...Y...S...H...I...T
I'm so sorry for the lag! I wasn't going to update today because I've had nasty writer's block for the passed week, but then I saw Hetalia: Paint it White! on TV and suddenly, I realized I was awful! How could I leave this story off for so long? I'm so sorry.
And I'm worried about my writer's block and all the homework that requires all my creativity and life and saps all the stuff that should be going into my writing.
So right now, I'm a ball of stress sitting on stresss, surrounded on stress. My eyes are literally bulging out of my head right now.
But those are my problems. They aren't really yours, so I'll stop whining.
All you really need to know is that I might be slow in updating.