Sorry for the wait, with computer troubles and finals week, it's been a bit hectic. Thanks so much for all the follows and reviews, though!
"And I've been saying that you
You're always holding onto stars
I think they're better from afar
'cause no one is going to save us..."
-Fun.
Joker couldn't remember the last time he'd had so many people in his cockpit, probably because he'd never had that many people in his cockpit before, each of them yelling, talking over each other, clamoring for his attention.
"EDI, five hostiles have entered my space, can we neutralize them?"
"As they are vital to the mission involving entering the Omega-4 relay and stopping the Collectors... no."
Joker sighed. He spun around in his chair, glaring at everybody there. Miranda was at the forefront of the angry mob, her hands on her hips; behind her stood Garrus, Mordin, Doctor Chakwas, and Jacob.
Naturally, Miranda spoke first. "Joker, what the hell is going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"Shepard's gone."
He made a skeptical face, waving a hand at her. "She is not. Where would she go? She's in her cabin, doing...Shepard things."
"No, she isn't. And you know, I would really appreciate less sarcasm from you right now."
Fat chance of that happening. "I'm telling you, Shepard is in her quarters. Or she was, at least, the last time I talked to her. Have you thought maybe-"
"EDI," Miranda snapped, looking at the blue sphere to Jeff's right.
"Despite Mr. Moreau's claims, I have scanned Shepard's cabin and found no signs of organic life present. Whatever has been speaking to you, affirming the impression that it is Shepard, is not human. It is-"
"A VI," Miranda finished, looking back at Joker almost smugly. "Tell me, didn't Engineer Kenneth Donnelly bring an illegal Shepard VI aboard?"
"How should I know? I hardly ever leave this room."
"Look, Joker," Garrus suddenly spoke up from behind her. "We know Shepard is gone. We just want to know where and why."
Joker spun his chair back and forth, eyes on the ground. It shouldn't matter if he told them. In fact, it didn't matter. What he, Donnelly, and Daniels had done was done, and there was no higher up - not even the Illusive Man - for him to be afraid of, not anymore. It was for everyone's sanity, for everyone's sake, and he was tired of being sorry.
He sighed, looking up. "Pragia. I remember Shepard mentioning she needed to go there, but not why. Damien dropped her and Kaidan off so the two of them could work out what was going on between them. And before you get all snotty on me," Joker said, pointing at Miranda, who looked on the verge of exploding, "I did it for the good of the mission."
"But of all the-"
Jacob reached out a hand, touching Miranda's shoulder. "Nobody on this ship can deny she's been emotionally compromised." When Miranda looked ready to burst again, he shook his head. "You didn't see her last night in the shuttle bay."
"Probably because I am the only one focused on this mission and doing my job," she replied, teeth clenched.
"Yeah, maybe you are," Joker spoke up, Garrus looking at him with surprise. "And that's why I did it. Nobody is focusing, not on this mission or anything else vital to this fight we have ahead of us. Since you people brought her back-"
"Has it escaped your notice that you're Cerberus, too?" Miranda snapped.
"Oh, bite me. Ever since you people brought her back, she doesn't know up from down, and every conversation ends up being about Shepard, about what she's feeling, how she's doing, when it's clear that she's barely hanging on by a finger. And then of course Kaidan shows up, and it's like just when she was starting to be okay again, he knocks her off course."
"Which is why he shouldn't have even been allowed onboard."
"Not your call, Miranda," Garrus said. "And I think Joker has a point here."
"What, Shepard's heartbroken so it was right to dump her down on Pragia?"
Garrus shook his head. "It's not even about Kaidan, not really. Everything had just been building to this point, and I honestly think she would have broken down anyway, even without him around. Like Jacob said, you didn't see her last night. She's an animal. Yeah, you brought Shepard back, but you brought something back with her, something that wasn't there before. Yeah, she's always been a hell of a thing when it comes to fighting, but she's always been controlled about it; she's always had a grace. There was nothing graceful about her last night." He looked around at everyone, half-shrugging. "She's different, whether anyone wants to admit it or not."
"Structurally, Shepard is sound, Garrus. There is no malfunctioning, even of her biomechanics," EDI said.
"Yes, she's the picture of health," Chakwas said dryly. "Except for everywhere it counts."
"Actually, even scientifically speaking, different," Mordin piped up. "Biomechanics take toll on many patients. Not real issue, however. Real issue is Shepard's soul."
Miranda looked around at the salarian doctor in disbelief. "Excuse me?"
"Sense your skepticism, Miranda, and once might have agreed with it, but Doctor Chakwas and I have spoken. Have come to conclusion that wholeness is not simply physical but also mental, spiritual. Need all three." Mordin looked around at everyone, black eyes blinking slowly. "Damaged. Have had several patients code, come back after resuscitation, after several minutes. Different, like you said, Garrus. Not just physically, though yes, some changes. Cells die without oxygen, systems take strain, but all those repairable in time. Strain to soul, however, much more detrimental. Much harder to fix."
"What exactly are you saying?"
Joker scowled. "He's saying something is very wrong with her, and it started with what you did!"
Miranda cocked an eyebrow. "Are you saying you'd rather we hadn't brought her back?"
"No, of course not! But what you did…" Joker shook his head, not even finishing the sentence.
Chakwas nodded. "It's against the laws of nature. Once something is dead, its brain and heart stop. Systems fail, and the soul vanishes; to where, none but the dead can tell. What makes a person who they are leaves them, and what is left is simply a body that no longer functions. The life has gone from it, in its entirety."
Joker looked at Miranda. "Sometimes what's dead was that way for a reason. Maybe some things in this universe should just stay dead."
"Even if I believed all of this - which I don't - then in what universe did it make sense for you to drop her off on some forsaken planet where she could get killed?"
Joker strongly resisted the urge to roll his eyes; so strongly, in fact, that he was starting to think he might have just burst a blood vessel in his brain. "That just shows me how well you don't know Shepard. This is the woman who held off ten thousand batarian slavers almost single-handedly. She'll be fine. Besides, Kaidan is with her."
"And Jack," Garrus added.
Joker stopped spinning. "What?"
"Yeah, Jack's gone too. Her blood work came back and Mordin wanted to give her the results, but she wasn't responding. He asked for my help finding her. We looked everywhere." Garrus shrugged. "Unless she decided to take a nap in one of the air ducts, she's nowhere on this ship."
Joker frowned. "Did you ask Damien?"
Everyone was silent, staring at him. For a second, he was almost convinced he hadn't spoken aloud, or if he had, he'd done it in another language. He was about to repeat himself, wondering if it was possible he'd spoken in another language and if so, he was curious as to which language it was, when they finally began to stir, shuffling their feet and exchanging looks. That seemed even worse than the sudden idea he might no longer speak a common language they could all understand.
"Damien hasn't come back yet," Jacob said, the unwilling volunteer of information. "The shuttle's still gone."
A chill crawled up Joker's spine. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. The plan was for Damien to drop them off and come back, so they couldn't return before their problems were sufficiently talked out. And if Jack had gone too… Suddenly, all of this seemed very, very bad. And it's looking like it's my fault. Great.
"Has anyone tried reaching the shuttle?"
"I will attempt it now." EDI's sphere hummed, before glowing a moment later. "The only response I receive is static. It appears the shuttle is offline."
"Meaning what?" Garrus took a step forward, standing beside Miranda. "It crashed?"
Jacob held his hands up. "Well, we shouldn't jump to conclusions-"
"That is the logical explanation."
A weighty silence followed EDI's news. Joker was about to try and contact the shuttle himself, even knowing it wouldn't do any good, just to do something, when it hit him.
"Her comm link. Try directly contacting Shepard."
"One moment."
"Let's hope she actually took it with her," Miranda muttered, folding her arms over her chest.
EDI pulsed brightly. "I have reached her, though the signal is very weak."
Garrus looked relieved, as Chakwas audibly sighed. Miranda, however, looked furious anew, like she couldn't wait to start yelling at Shepard to let her know precisely how much she didn't like the situation. Joker had a feeling that if it came to that, Miranda wouldn't be the only one yelling; Shepard had always been good at giving as well as she got.
Miranda stepped forward, towards EDI, leaning against the console to Joker's left. "Shepard, do you read me?"
There was static, but underneath it, some garbled words. Everyone leaned forward to hear.
"You're cutting out, Shepard. Do you copy?"
Suddenly, there was a crash, the sound of something enormous falling over, followed undeniably by a scream – and then static.
There was a split-second of pause, where what they had just heard seemed to sink in to everyone's mind, registering in their brain's as bad bad bad, before the cockpit was in a sudden uproar, everyone talking and yelling all at once, just like when they had arrived.
Garrus lunged forward. "EDI, get the signal back."
"Her comm link is not responding. I will run a diagnostic on our communications and see if there is anything I can do to repair it." Her sphere hummed.
Meanwhile, Garrus turned on Joker. "I backed you up, but if anything happens to her or Kaidan, I am going to choke you until—"
"Forget him," Miranda snapped, looking between the two of them. "What about the Illusive Man?"
"Nobody gives a rat's ass about the Illusive Man," Joker fired back.
"Oh, right, only about half the people on this ship." Miranda rolled her eyes. "What is it with you Alliance types? You're all so thick-headed."
"We get the job done," Jacob said, glaring.
"Do you? Or do you just maroon your commanding officers on a remote planet and hope they make it out alive? Stupid!" Miranda slammed her fist down against the console. "You were stupid and reckless, Joker, and believe you me, the Illusive Man is going to hear all about this little stunt—"
"Who cares? The important thing is bringing Shepard back," Garrus said, looking agitated. "We need to send someone after her."
"I agree," said Miranda. "We need Shepard here; otherwise, this entire operation has been for nothing."
"Can't," Mordin piped up. "Shuttle gone. No other means of transportation."
A sudden silence descended over the cockpit. Everybody peered around at each other, their looks turning from anger to trepidation. Joker drummed his fingers against the arm of his chair, but on the inside, he was shaking; had he just done something colossally stupid under the impression that he was right? He had never imagined there might be danger. Trouble, sure, maybe an explosion or two, because that was what happened when Shepard was involved, but never outright, life-threatening danger. It was Shepard. She was practically a one-woman army. She had gone to hell and back, returning from the dead, just to complete her mission. But what if this time was for real?
"So Shepard is stuck there," Dr. Chakwas finally said. "She's stuck there with a possibly damaged shuttle and, unless Damien is safe and sound, no one to repair it."
More silence, until EDI pulsed. "Mr. Moreau, I am currently upgrading the communications drives. It will take time, but when it is finished, the range of the Normandy's communications will be broader, and we should be able to reach Shepard, provided her comm link has not been damaged." She paused. "While we are waiting, would you like me to scan Pragia?"
Slowly, Joker nodded. "Yeah, EDI, that would be great. Look for any signs of settlements or buildings in particular, and maybe hone in on the shuttle's beacon, if you can."
"It will take me a few moments."
"Yeah. Uh… Thanks, EDI."
"Of course, Mr. Moreau."
Miranda leaned in close to Joker. "Let me know the minute you know something." She stalked away, Jacob several seconds behind her. Mordin, too, mumbled something about research and scurried back off to the lab, leaving only the people who had known Shepard longest and best. Neither Garrus nor Doctor Chakwas said a word. They simply leaned or sat down and prepared to wait, a silent vigil at Joker's side for the commander that might not-
No.
She had to be alive. She had to be.
Shepard felt like a lumbering fool, crashing through the undergrowth like some sort of beast. She had fully intended to run to Kaidan, but that was starting to seem impossible: She tripped over roots that threatened to injure her other ankle, and was smacked in the face repeatedly by leaves and branches, her hair tangling on rough bark and spiny surfaces like cobwebs. And through it all, the rain fell.
She hadn't felt rain since before she died, and once, she might have missed it, might have reveled in the chance to dance beneath it, to let it wash her clean. But this was something else. Normal planets had normal rain, thunderstorms with lightning and the rain coming down in a steady downpour. Whatever planet they were stuck on was not one of those planets. This was a gale, the winds picking up even as she thought about them, sending stinging nettles of cold drops lashing against her skin and into her eyes. She held up an arm to shield herself, but it didn't do much good. Soon enough, she'd be slogging through ankle-high mud, her visibility next to nothing. How was she supposed to find Kaidan in this?
She was just starting to regret going after him when she heard the shot from somewhere to her left, ahead of her. She didn't even consider that it might be anyone else; who else would be there with them? She hobbled in that direction as best as she could, breaking through a line of trees into a thickly overgrown clearing. Through the veil of rain, she could just make out Kaidan. For a split second, she was relieved, before she realized he was trying to fight something off.
She reached for her pistol.
She had just started forward, gun raised, when her comm beeped and someone's voice filled her ear.
"Shepard – read me?"
Shepard pressed hard to the in-ear link. "Normandy! I, uh, don't have time to talk right now."
The voice buzzed in her ear again, the words nearly undistinguishable. She couldn't be sure, but it sounded like an accent, and that meant...
"Miranda? Look, the signal is shit. I can't hear you."
"—cutting out Shepard, do you copy?"
Suddenly, there was a shout. She turned in time to see a thick vine wrap around a nearby tree, the trunk large, the branches heavy with rain. The roots groaned as it was ripped from the ground with a great tearing crash. The thick vine swung it around twice, before throwing it in her direction. She screamed and jumped out of the way, rolling through the mud and the undergrowth, as the tree landed in an explosion of splinters that made the ground shake.
The comm in her ear played back only silence, before beeping off.
She pulled herself up on what was left of the trunk beside her, gritting her teeth at the splintering pain in her ankle. Her pistol had fallen beneath her; she reached for it, nearly falling again in the process. She pulled herself up and over the tree, landing on the other side in time to see Kaidan dive into a bush, dodging another wildly swinging vine. She fired two shots at it, and the vine retreated into the undergrowth, disappearing. She didn't give a second thought to where it might have gone, limping to Kaidan.
She nearly fell on top of him in her haste to reach him. "Are you all right? Kaidan?"
He rolled over, looking up at her. His eyes went wide. "Shepard, look out!"
There wasn't time. Something slammed into her, wrapping around her uninjured ankle and ripping her into the air. She almost dropped her pistol, but held on tight just as her fingers began to slip, shrieking instinctively as she was upended, her wet hair in her eyes and rain filling her nose and mouth. As best as she could with her free hand, she shoved her hair aside, squinting down into the clearing below her.
Suddenly, there was a great roar all around her, and a dozen vines stretched into the air from what felt like everywhere, whipping around through the rain, whistling dangerously. Below her, she could see it: an enormous Venus Fly Trap, its spiny teeth easily as long as her arm. Its mouth was red and wet, dripping some sort of viscous fluid, as it roared again, and began hauling her in like a freshly caught fish. Her mind numbed to bright white panic, blocking out all sensible thought. She screamed again.
There was a shot from below, then another. Shepard's mind eased up a bit, as she twisted around to look down. Kaidan. She scowled, however, when she realized he wasn't shooting it, but merely creating noise. He shot into the air again.
"Yeah, hey, over here!"
The plant stopped, its vines twining aloft in the air. Its mouth opened wide, hissing, almost like it was listening for Kaidan, trying to pinpoint his exact location.
This is my chance. She took a deep breath, trying to clear the dizziness from her head, though it was difficult to do upside down, but if he wasn't planning on shooting it, she would. Her gun was wet when she adjusted her grip, her fingers still slippery as she pointed it at the creature, sighting her target. She was starting to get dizzy, and there was still hair in her line of sight, but she had to do it, she had to move.
She took another deep breath, squeezing the trigger. A round shot off, piercing the back of the plant's mouth in a flash of bright red. It didn't die immediately, groaning and shrieking, fighting to hold onto Shepard, the vine slipping. Barely keeping aim as the vine started to lose its hold on her, she fired six more shots, until it was dead, and the vine went absolutely lax, letting go of her, sending her falling through the air.
She landed on something, or rather, someone. They both went down with simultaneous yelps, and while was she in a world of pain, shards of hot pain radiating up both her legs and throbbing intensely, she couldn't help but feel a kind of glee, a kind of justice, knowing that she had just fallen on Kaidan. He deserves it.
She wanted to just lay there in the rain and the mud, until the pain fizzled down to a dull ache again instead of a roaring inferno, but suddenly Kaidan was climbing out from under her and standing, just as soaked and trembling as she was. He reached out a hand to help her up. "Come on," he said loudly over the thrashing rain. "We've got to get out of here."
She followed him numbly, not even caring what direction they went in, stumbling blindly, each step harder than the last as they put the clearing far behind them. The rain pounded down, her hair plastered to her skin, streams of water falling into her eyes. She was shivering so hard she thought she might break a bone, muscles tensed, lips turning purple. The longer they walked, directionless and alone, the more she began to panic. What if nobody comes for us? What if we're stuck here forever? No, we won't be. But for now… Her mind was whirling, occupied with her more immediate concerns - food, fire, shelter, water, civilization, a way off this moisture trap - when Kaidan spoke.
"Shepard, look."
They were standing in a groove of mud, a section of the jungle torn away, the plants scattered, roots upturned. Areas of the jungle were blackened, as though they had been on fire; if they had, the rain had made quite the effort to put them out. The area smelled acrid, like it had been gassed and torched. Pieces of metal, the paint seared off and dulled by the flames, were everywhere.
"What happened here?"
"Crash, looks like. Wait." Kaidan pointed ahead of them. "Isn't that…isn't that your shuttle?"
Shepard peered through the clumps of her sopping hair as they stopped just feet away. Sure enough, there was a hunk of metal rising from the jungle floor, buried deep into the ground, twisted onto its side. As Shepard edged closer to inspect it, she saw the barely discernible Cerberus logo on the side, half the paint scratched off. She swore, her teeth chattering.
"Come on," Kaidan said, stooping to offer her a leg up.
She stared at him. "Come on what?"
"It's pouring rain! We need to take shelter somewhere."
"Here?"
Kaidan's expression darkened. "You have somewhere better in mind?"
"Obviously not. I just think the crash may have attracted unwanted attention. It's not safe."
"Who knows how long ago that was? Look, it's just for right now. When the rain stops, we'll move on. Until then, we can get out of this downpour and maybe even find out how we got here – and why."
Shepard sighed. "Fine."
Stepping into the cradle of his hands, she pulled herself up onto the side of the shuttle. Mustering what little strength she had left, she forced the door open, wincing at the horrible screeching sound it made. Looking around quickly to make sure no other horrible creatures were about to come charging out of the undergrowth, she dropped inside.
It was strange to see her shuttle from the inside when it was on its side, but even more so when she saw the blood splashed across one wall. It still looked damp, some of it idly dripping into a small puddle on the floor. Stomach turning, she decided not to investigate the helm, instead heading for the footlockers kept at the back, the ones with the emergency supplies. She heard Kaidan drop inside a minute later, reaching up to pull the door shut, heard him moving around, his footsteps echoing hollowly.
She threw up lids and yanked open drawers, finding only one canister of medi-gel, one blanket, and several more rounds of ammo. When they got back, she was going to have a very stern talk with Damien about keeping the shuttle stocked for situations like these. A thought entered her mind, unbidden and chilling. If we make it back. She made herself keep moving, pocketing the ammo, before wrapping the blanket around herself and limping back out.
Kaidan was just returning from the helm when she arrived. She stopped, staring at him. "Was there-?"
He shook his head. "Nobody there. The, ah, nose is broken open, though, so he may have—"
"Been thrown. Yeah."
Kaidan looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry."
She shook her head, her earlier thoughts of Damien already echoing hollowly. "Damien knew the Omega-4 relay was a risky mission. Everyone knows it. Maybe when the rain lets up, we can try to find him. I don't want to just leave him here in this."
He nodded. "I pulled some of the broken pieces of metal over in front of the opening so we should be okay."
She might have once relished in the fact that they were not only having a conversation, but working together, but now, after everything, it just didn't even seem to matter. Damien was dead and the situation was beginning to seem even more bleak than it had when they'd first woken up. Finding nothing worthwhile to say, she decided against replying, sitting down instead. She rolled her pant leg up, untying her boots, gingerly untying and pulling one off the injured foot. It was already swollen, the skin of her ankle tinged with purple and black. She loaded up the medi-gel into her omni-tool, before swiping it over her ankle. It tingled uncomfortably. Seized with a sudden idea, she tried to reach the Normandy via her omi-tool, but it beeped at her in annoyance, informing her that recipient was out of range. She leaned back and closed her eyes, sighing through her nose.
"I'll take the first watch," Kaidan said, as if he'd been watching the entire thing. "You can go back and get some rest. Maybe take those clothes off and wring them out before you do."
If she had been the way she was before, she might have cocked an eyebrow, making some sort of joke or innuendo. The clinical quality with which he spoke, however, let her know that any sort of reaction would be completely unwarranted – and she didn't feel the urge to do so anyway, swamped only with the throbbing of her ankle and a deep tiredness that went all the way into her bones. There was no point, to this or anything. If there was some sort of battle she needed to win to get him back, to prove that she wasn't what he thought, she knew it then: She was losing.
"Shepard?"
She didn't open her eyes, just shook her head yes. Inside, however, she was screaming as loud as her voice would allow her.
How did we get here? How did we come to this?