"Adam." Kim cried out in the middle of the night. She'd woken suddenly and reached for him but his side of the bed was cold and empty. "Adam." Her breathing was becoming shallow and rapid as she started to panic.
The room was dark and it freaked her out, it hadn't been this dark for days. The quiet they could handle but neither of them wanted to be in the dark so they always left a light on. Slowly she eased herself out of bed and her legs wobbled a little when she took a shaky step and she suddenly hit the floor with a thud when they gave out. She felt weak and pathetic. "Adam." She sobbed. Where was he? He promised not to leave her. Suddenly the door opened and the room was flooded with light.
"Kim." Will Halstead was at her side. "Lie still." He pushed her shoulders down gently as she tried to get up. "Are you hurt?"
"No? I just got dizzy. Where's Adam?"
"He's asleep downstairs."
"Why?"
Will helped her up and sat her on the edge of the bed. He checked her pulse, blood pressure, which was a little low but not alarmingly so and her IV site. "He needed to sleep. He's running on empty."
"He doesn't want to sleep with me anymore?" Kim started to hyperventilate and she pushed Will out of the way and reached for the bucket that was beside her bed and emptied the contents of her stomach. Again she was vomiting from a combination of anxiety and the anti-biotics. It was starting to worry Will at little but Kim begged him to let her stay home and not tell Adam.
"Kim, just listen." He handed her a damp washcloth. They had a few handy because she had vomited a few times throughout the evening. "Adam was pretty upset. Today was rough for him and may have been the straw that broke the camel's back; he just needed to sleep. Jay came over to sit with him and they had a few drinks."
"So he's drunk." It was hard to miss the bitterness in her voice.
"No, he had a few drinks that's all. He's barely eaten all day and it knocked him out. We put him in the spare room to get him to give himself a couple of hours sleep. Jay said he hasn't been sleeping much."
"I need him."
"And I am guessing that when you wake up in a few hours time he will be here. He's so desperate to help you and be with you but he is not looking after himself." Will helped Kim up and into the bathroom. "Adam can't help you if he's sick too." He left her in there while he emptied and rinsed out the bucket in the main bathroom. It had been a long time since he had to do this and he hadn't missed it.
They had been worried about Adam most of the evening. He was barely in control and Will had lied a little to Kim because Adam had probably had a few drinks too many but he was going to blow a gasket if he kept going the way he was. It got him to release the pressure at little and as long as it didn't become a habit or a crutch one night wasn't going to hurt.
Jay had copped the brunt of it and was feeling it the next morning as he trudged into work. He placed both hands on the bench and leant forward, letting his head sag forward. What he really needed was a long hot shower and a nice long run to clear his head but instead he'd barely got home for five minutes and he was back out the door and into work.
"You walk into a door?" Kev nodded in Jay's direction and held out his coffee cup to fill.
"Ruz's fist actually."
"Ruzek?"
"Yeah, yesterday was rough. They had a really crappy day." Jay topped up his own mug once he'd filled Kevin's.
"They doing alright?"
"Not really. Pretty shit actually." They had obviously all been with them two days ago for the funeral and that was tough, really tough on Kim and Adam and on the rest of them but they all felt they were hanging in there though. "Kim's sick with some infection due to her milk or something…" those details were still a bit confusing for him. "…and he had to take her into Med. There was a huge fuck up and someone bought a baby into Kim's room. Ruz had just gone home to get some things for her because she had to stay for a few days."
"Jesus. What the hell?"
"It was a huge fuck up. Ruz, as you can imagine lost his shit and he called me in a panic. He was going to take her home AMA so we got Will to agree to look after her with a few of the guys from Med. Ruz took her home and I went over last night, he was pretty wild and he knocked back a few then took a few swings at us before we calmed him down and got him into bed and to sleep it off." He pointed to his bruised cheek and forced himself to laugh. "I didn't duck quick enough."
"I know everyone is all over Kim, Ruz included but I'm worried about him too."
"Me too! Look it's only been a week, it's still so raw and they are trying to deal with things as they come up. This was nothing they were prepared for."
"How the hell does this even happen?"
"No idea." They headed back out into the bullpen when everyone else started wandering in. "Apparently it was pretty horrific and Kim was hysterical. You can imagine how Ruz handled it?"
Kevin shuddered a little. "Not well I am guessing."
"He's beside himself." Although nothing about this was even mildly amusing Jay chuckled. "I think more than a few people are still cowering in corners after Ruzek went at them."
Jay had a few rough hours last night. When Adam finally stopped sobbing and wiped his face he thought the worst was over. "We got you bud." Jay patted his back.
"I need a drink." He pushed himself up off the couch and came back with two glasses and a bottle. Jay wasn't sure this was a good idea but surely one glass wouldn't hurt. It was the fourth and fifth ones that did him in.
"They were holding her down, like physically holding her down and she was screaming." Adam threw back another shot. "What the fuck is that?" Jay sensed he was getting angry and he couldn't blame him, seeing Kim being held against her will and so distressed would have sent him off the edge too. Jay knew that this was all part of the process but he wasn't sure how far they could let him go. "These fucking people who bought her a baby to feed, a fucking baby and all they said was sorry, it was a mistake."
"It was a mistake." Adam cut his eyes at Jay and Jay had to admit it made him cringe just a little. "A big fucking mistake that never should have happened. You have every right to be angry."
"They keep kicking man, they keep kicking Kim, she's down and it just keeps happening. I don't want this for her, I can't help her."
"Oh Man, you are. You have been with Kim every single minute."
"And I left her and this happened."
"Mate, you didn't know. You were doing your best and now she's home and we are going to help you and we are going to help Kim."
Adam barely seemed to hear him. "She had a dead baby inside her…inside her." He poured himself another shot. "She had to give birth to a dead baby, my dead baby." He downed it and threw the glass against the far wall, shattering it like his heart was shattered. "Leo is supposed to be here with us. I want my baby, I want my son."
As he stood up he wobbled a little and Jay realised that he was pretty drunk and Jay did his best to stop him dragging himself upstairs and disturbing Kim. He was in no fit state to be with her right now. The anger was peeling off him in waves, he was drunk and Kim would freak out. The smashing glass bought Will flying downstairs and they both wrangled with Adam to try and control him and it was no easy feat. Adam wasn't some small little weakling and he was currently fuelled by hurt and anger and alcohol.
"Adam." Will rested his hand on his chest. "Kim's asleep. Let her sleep."
"Get your hand off me." He pushed him away and when Jay stepped in that's when Ruzek clocked him.
"Come on Adam. You know Kim needs to sleep, she doesn't need to worry about you right now." Will continued to try and placate him.
"She's my wife, I want to see her. You can't stop me. Let me see her, please."
"She's asleep, she's safe. Trust me, if you want her to stay home then Kim needs to rest, she needs to stay calm and that's the best thing for her. You know what happens when she gets stressed, she vomits and if she does that then the drugs won't work and then I can't help her here. You want me to take her back in?" It was probably a step too far to threaten to take Kim back to hospital but at this stage they were willing to do anything.
"No, you are not taking her away. She's not going back there." He shoved Will in the chest and Jay wrapped his arms around him to stop him charging up the stairs.
"Okay, okay. Then let me do my job and do what I think is best for Kim." Will didn't take a backward step but he was glad his brother was here. "That's what you asked me to do, to take care of Kim so that you can keep her here at home. Let me do that."
Jay felt the precise moment it sunk in when his body suddenly relaxed and after a couple of minutes he agreed to let Kim sleep and they convinced him to just lie down for a little bit himself. It had been like trying to herd a mob of rabid cats but he actually sighed when his head finally hit the pillow. "When you have a few hours sleep then you can go up and stay with Kim and if Kim needs you we will come and get you, I give you my word." Adam nodded and Jay slept on the couch and left the next morning before Ruzek had even stirred.
When Adam woke up he certainly felt like he'd been hit by a truck. Taking just a moment to gather his bearings he flew out of the room when he realised, by the amount of light flooding through the open blinds that it was later than he expected. He did remember going to bed, he also remembered being a bit of an asshole but it was the realisation that he'd been down here for hours and that meant that he wasn't with Kim and he hadn't been away from her for more than an hour through all this that pissed him off.
He was surprised to see April sitting on the couch, Will had a shift to get to so she had come over to sit with Kim until Adam was awake. "Hey sleepy head." She smiled at Adam who wasn't looking exactly cheery.
"Where's Kim? Is she okay?"
"She is, she's asleep." April nodded her head upstairs, not that he was likely to wait for permission. Will had certainly filled her in on the whole saga of last night and keeping Adam away from Kim any longer wasn't in anyone's best interest or for the faint hearted.
He sat on the edge of their bed and ran his hand over Kim's hip. He felt her forehead and he was relieved to find that she was not as hot as yesterday. There was a half drunk coffee and some left over toast beside her bed and he was pissed that he'd been left to sleep so late. "Hey, Darlin.' How you feeling?" He stroked Kim's cheek as she opened her eyes.
"Better."
"You've eaten?"
"Yes."
Adam frowned a little at her short answers. "That's good. You've had your Antibiotics?" He noticed the bucket beside the bed. "Have you been sick?"
"No."
"Do you want to get up and have a shower? I can check with April?" Kim shook her head. He ploughed on, it wasn't the first time in the last few days that their conversations were short and terse but fortunately they generally didn't last long. "I'm going to grab a shower? Is that ok?"
"Do whatever you want."
"Well that's more than a one word answer, I guess I should be grateful."
"You were drunk last night?"
Adam nodded; there was no point in denying it. "I had a few, yes."
"Did it make you feel better?" She certainly wasn't asking him that in a way that made him feel like she was concerned about him.
"Oh okay. You are pissed." Adam sat back a little but his hand was still sitting on her hip and he made circles with his thumb. "No, it didn't actually. I still feel like utter shit, I am still worried about you, I am still heartbroken." He dropped his head a little. "I was an idiot. I hit my best friend."
And just like that it was over and the conversation shifted. "Adam."
"What? Kim, I know yesterday was tough for you but it was no walk in the park for me either. I hated what happened at the hospital I was so angry, I'm still angry and seeing you so devastated, seeing people holding you down, do you have any idea how that made me feel? I am angry at myself because I left you there and that happened. I know this isn't about me but I hate that you are sick, I hate it, I hate all of it."
"I was scared." Kim felt the need to explain what happened last night to help him understand why she was angry with him. "Last night I woke up and you weren't here. I know it's stupid. I can't do this without you. I tried to come and find you and I got up and I fell."
Adam thought he couldn't feel any worse than he already did, but he was wrong. This was like being kicked in the balls. He pulled back the sheets and ran his hands over Kim. "Are you hurt?"
"No. Will checked me over. Your over protective house guards did their jobs."
"Good. Kim I'm sorry."
"Adam, it's okay. I was just panicked a little, it was stupid." She smiled a little. "I don't think Will appreciated cleaning up my spew though. He's going to send you a bill."
"You were sick again?" He ran his hand over her cheek. "This morning, you ate and you are okay right?" He had no idea what he'd do if Kim had to go back to hospital.
"I am fine now. Please stop worrying."
Adam helped her sit up a little and shook his head. "No can do."
"You know what I'd like? I'd like you to help me have a shower and then maybe we can sit out back for a bit. I need to feel the sun on my face. I feel like I am suffocating in here."
"Your wish is my command." He leant forward and kissed her softly. "I love you."
"It's a feeling that we still have in common."
He checked with April and they covered her IV site and Adam helped her shower. For a tall, fit and strong man who did everything at a million miles an hour and was not known for wearing kid gloves Adam was surprisingly gentle with Kim when he needed to be. Initially she hadn't wanted Adam to see her post baby body, it was a constant reminder of what they didn't have but he never even commented on it, he just didn't see it, all he saw was his wife and he thought she was beautiful. He rubbed her back lightly as she expressed off some milk from her still painful breasts and even let him feel the lumps in them, which had shocked him. "God Kim." He was horrified. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."
"I didn't want to deal with it. I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. It's embarrassing."
"What?"
"I can't even do this right."
"Please don't say that. You are doing the best you can, its not pretty, none of this is and I can't imagine how horrific all this is for you. I want to help, anyway I can. Just promise me you will tell me next time."
Then they sat outside. Adam liked having the weight of her on his chest as she shuffled back between his legs and he tucked her head under his chin. The sun was calming for both of them. Adam's hangover had been pushed way back in his mind but it was still there so lying here for an hour or so was as perfect as their lives were going to get right now.
"Are you still going to take leave?" Kim asked him suddenly.
"Huh? What?" His eyes had been closed and he wasn't really paying attention to anything. Adam had booked two weeks leave for when Kim had the baby. He wanted to spend the first couple of weeks at home with his family. "Of course. I don't want to think about work just yet."
"Okay."
"What about you?" It was always their plan that Kim would take a year off. They thought that they could manage that and it was something Kim really wanted to do. "Have you thought about what you want to do?"
"No." Kim was a little short.
"Kim, whatever you want to do you know I will support you."
"I know." He felt her relax again and snuggle into him. Right now, it was where she felt the most calm, when Adam was with her and she had no idea how she was going to cope when he wasn't around once he went back to work.
"About this party?"
"You've changed your mind?" Kim was always worried that Adam was not going to want to do it. The funeral had been really rough for him and while he put on a brave face in the hours before and after he let Kim see how much he was hurting and how much he was trying to push people away.
"No, but I don't want to think about it until you are better."
"It might help me take my mind off it."
"I am sure it will but at the moment I can see how even the effort of walking downstairs tires you out. Right now I can see how exhausted you are; I can feel it." He tightened his arms around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. She'd lost weight, in a few short days he could see it when he helped her shower and she was weak. Despite being vastly improved from yesterday Kim was still unwell, she tired easily, slept a lot and had no energy. "You don't need the stress and I don't need the stress of worrying about you more than I already am."
"Just say it Adam, you don't want to do it." Kim struggled to get out of his arms and sit up and despite not wanting to let her go he released his grip. "You want to forget him."
"Don't you even go there." He snapped. "How can I forget him? How can you even think that?"
"Sorry, I'm sorry." Kim rested a hand on his chest. "I'm sorry Adam. That was unfair."
His voice trembled. "That's my son. He will always be my son and I miss him."
Kim leant forward and kissed her husband gently. "I know you do." She leant her forehead on his and she could feel that he was still angry. "Forgive me."
"I worry about you every single second of the day."
"I worry about you too." She lay back down. "I just need to do this, say goodbye for the last time and then figure out what's next."
"Okay, okay." Adam brushed her hair back from her forehead and pressed a gentle kiss to the smooth skin as she drifted off to sleep again. If it made her feel better, or take her mind off things she could do whatever she wanted. He wasn't going to stop hovering over her though.
He pulled a rug over her, shifted slightly so that he was a little more comfortable and closed his eyes.