Spin

Chapter Ten

It was a little embarrassing that the girls at work noticed she was in a much better mood, and Sakura had to evade all sorts of personal questions all day and night long. It seemed the world was conspiring against her; every time she tried to stop thinking about Kakashi, and the time they'd spent together, someone would come along and ask her about her "mystery man" and get her started all over again.

Ino's mouth was legendary. She should've known that, one way or the other, her friend was going to find out.

Ducking around a corner, hoping to find some peace for at least a few minutes before she went home, Sakura pulled a candy bar out of her pocket and began to eat it on the sly. She was technically off work, but it would still look bad if someone caught her shoving candy in her mouth as she walked down the halls. The candy bar also didn't help her personal goal of losing weight from her thighs, an area of her body that she had never been happy with.

And she really didn't care that her thighs were muscular and mostly appropriate to her body shape and size. She thought they were gross.

Passing by the front desk, she offered a small wave to the girl working there, a young kunoichi still in training to be a medic nin that she'd grown fond of. "Good night, Mina-chan."

"Oh, Sakura-san!" Looking excited, Mina glanced from side to side and crooked her finger, beckoning the older woman forward. "I have a message for you."

Mina was always so pleased to be given specific tasks that she really overdid it when it came to delivering them. Still, Sakura smiled politely despite how tired she felt, and walked over to be presented with her note with great flourish.

"I didn't read it, I thought that would be inappropriate." But clearly, this had been the highlight of her night. "Maybe it was your boyfriend? He was really good looking," she added, pressing one hand to her cheek and looking into the distance dreamily.

Sakura's pulse scrambled, but she shook her head. "That's impossible, Mina-chan. I don't have a boyfriend."

Still, she took the small note, quickly unfolded it and read the lines like an eager schoolgirl. Instantly she realized the handwriting was all wrong, and she couldn't help the disappointment that crashed over her.

It was just a note from Kiba, telling her to stay put until he got back, because he was grabbing take-out and he wanted to catch up. Normally she would've been pleased, but because she'd let herself think, even for a second...

Well, no. That morning he'd been gone when she woke up once again, but this time, there was no reason like groceries. He hadn't left a note, hadn't been back, and she'd accepted that she would just have to get used to that. She just wished he could make up his mind, sometimes; one day, he was impulsively making her dinner, the next, he was gone before the sheets went cold. But that was the kind of man she'd chosen to spend her time with, so she would be grown up and adapt to it.

Tucking the note inside her pocket, Sakura tried for a smile. "Thanks, Mina-chan. It's a note from an old friend, that's all. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Oh, okay.." After Sakura had turned to leave, Mina leaned over the counter, watching her with concern. She'd thought Sakura seemed happier lately, but that had been a sad look.

Stepping outside, Sakura rubbed her hands together briskly and looked around to see if Kiba was waiting. Sure enough, he was coming up the path with two boxes of steaming take-out, and he grinned at her, holding them up.

"Hey, Sakura! I got those gross noodles you like."

Accepting the package, she popped it open, sniffed. And then she grinned. "They aren't gross. And thanks. It's good to see you, Kiba."

Already digging into his own, Kiba talked around a mouthful of steamed vegetables. "Yeah, we've both been pretty busy... missions left and right, especially since so many of our shinobi are down."

Sakura felt a little guilty, mostly because she'd confined one of their most active and skilled shinobi to low-class missions, but she didn't voice that. Instead, she swirled some noodles around her chopsticks, blew on them to cool them down a bit. "Well, don't get it in your head to do anything reckless. I'm pretty busy myself, and the last thing I want to do is come in for extra hours to take care of you."

He grinned at her, showing just a hint of fang. "I'll try. But it's been a while since you had your hands all over me, Sakura." He drew out her name, making it almost musical, and she punched him in the arm.

"You're shameless. When are you going to ask Hinata-san out, anyway? Everyone knows you like her."

Kiba shook his head, raised his chopsticks with a piece of broccoli clamped between them. "A woman like Hinata requires delicate timing."

Narrowing her eyes dangerously, she asked, "And I didn't?"

All innocence, a look he had perfected over the years, Kiba exclaimed, "That's not what I meant!"

Sakura smiled, pointed at him with her chopsticks. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood."

Seeing his opening, Kiba pounced. "Why are you in such a good mood, anyway? Finally getting some?"

A moment passed in silence, and then Sakura stomped down on his right foot, hard. He screamed, partially from the unexpected nature of the attack, and danced away from her. "That was mean! Ow! I was just asking!"

Offering him a glare full of promise of dark, unpleasant things, she asked sweetly, "Why do you ask?"

Nervously, Kiba laughed, scratching the side of his nose with one finger. "Well, that's..."

Sakura stepped forward, he stepped back. "Well?"

Holding up his hands defensively, he rushed, "Okay, okay. See, I was hanging out with Shikamaru and --"

She'd heard quite enough. Face heating with temper, she snarled, "Ino. If she wasn't pregnant, I would beat her senseless."

Since the bulk of her ire seemed to be directed away from him now, Kiba inched forward hesitantly, rubbed her shoulder in a comforting, companionable motion. "Hey, hey. She's just worried about you. And I've gotta admit, I'm a little concerned too."

Mutiny in her eyes, Sakura jerked her shoulder out from under his hand, considered dumping her hot noodles all over him. Instead, she scooped more out, filled her mouth with them before she spewed profanities at Kiba and ruined a surprisingly solid friendship.

Used to her temper fits, as he'd provoked many of them while they were dating, Kiba reached out and caught her chin between two fingers, arched an eyebrow down into her wrathful face. "We're your friends, Sakura. That's what friends do. How're we supposed to check this guy out and see whether or not he's a jerk if you don't even tell us who he is?"

Pulling her face back, Sakura swallowed, burning her throat. "Why does everyone think that I'm incapable of figuring out for myself if someone is good for me or not? I don't know if you remember, Kiba, but I was perfectly adept at making those kinds of decisions before and after we dated."

"Hey, it's not that we think you can't handle it yourself." Making a face, wondering exactly why he'd allowed himself to be roped into this again, he continued, "It's just we know you, and-"

"Apparently not very well." Lips turning downward into a sulk, she demanded, "So while you were all having this pow-wow about my personal life, did any of you stop to think that maybe I want to keep it a secret, too? Maybe I don't want all my well-meaning but completely out of line friends to just back off for once?"

A little bit hurt, and covering it with a gruff tone, Kiba shot back, "It's hard to back off when you won't let us close enough to begin with!"

"That's not fair." Wondering when what should have been a simple and pleasant walk had turned to something heavier, Sakura tossed the remains of her noodles into a trash can, massaged her temples. "I'm really glad that you care. Please don't think I'm ungrateful. It's just..."

Doing the same with his carton, though it was empty, Kiba forced his temper back into submission and slung an arm around her shoulders. "Just what?"

Leaning into the embrace, allowing herself to be comforted by a pair of friendly arms, she sighed. "I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I can't give answers that I don't know, and in some cases, the questions haven't even been asked. He makes me happy, Kiba, so isn't that enough? Right now, I'm happy."

Rubbing his hand up and down her arm, Kiba muttered, "You don't sound too happy to me."

Turning her face into his jounin vest, she chuckled, but it was strained. "It's tough to be happy when everyone keeps telling me all the reasons I shouldn't be."

Somehow, they'd arrived at her house, and Sakura reluctantly turned away from the comfort of the hug. She took a deep breath, wiped her hands down the front of her pants, and smiled. "Thanks, Kiba."

Reaching out, he tweaked her nose, snickered. "Just be careful. As your first serious boyfriend, it's my solemn duty to beat the snot out of any guy who treats you badly."

She swatted at his hand, let herself into the house while he walked away with his hands in his pockets. Watching him go, Sakura was amused at how easily they fell into old habits, and Kiba turned around at the end of the road, waved one last time before he would be out of sight. She lifted her hand, oddly peaceful after the simple gesture, and then went the rest of the way into her house.

The lights went on one by one, and as she went through the rooms, she began to tidy. Kakashi was probably on a mission, and goodness only knew how long he would be gone. One day? A few days, a week? It didn't really matter. He would come by when he wanted to, or she would stop by his house if the time stretched out enough. They hadn't made any promises to each other, and it wasn't as though she was exactly the person he came back to the village to see.

Walking over to a window, she opened it and propped her elbows up on the frame, looking out over her tiny yard. There was an herb garden that she tended each day, but aside from that, she'd done little with the place. Ino was constantly harassing her to plant some flowers and liven it up, but she was hardly home enough to justify that. And maybe that was one of her problems.

She'd become so focused on her work that she'd carved away any semblance of a personal, or home, life. She used her job as an excuse as to why she didn't have a steady, committed relationship, but it had been her choice to fill her time with extra shifts and voluntary clinic hours. Maybe she'd just been hiding from the reality that she didn't want to be in a relationship. She didn't want to give of herself again, like she had before, and find that something in her came up short.

Every relationship she'd tried, in the end, she realized she wasn't feeling what she should and so she backed away from it. At first she'd blamed it on herself and lingering feelings she might have for Sasuke, try as she might to get rid of any regard she had for her former teammate. She knew now that it was impossible, because she had loved him, and when you felt so strongly about someone, nothing could ever completely erase it. Not time, not betrayal, and certainly not will power.

But she couldn't keep holding the memories of Sasuke responsible. Maybe the problem was with her. Though she gave as much of herself as she could, and really tried to love the people she dated, something always held back. Was she incapable of a second love? Had Sasuke really been her only chance to feel that intensely, to give her entire heart and mind to someone? She didn't like to think so, but more and more, she thought that it could be the case.

And God, she didn't want Sasuke to be her only chance at love.

Stretching her arms out, she held her fingertips up and was surprised to feel the beginning of rain splatter down on top of them. It seemed even the weather was complying with her stormy and confused mood.

Withdrawing her arms, she closed the window and wiped her palms dry on her pants. There was really no point in thinking about it. As a child, she'd always thought love was something that came naturally, and there was a soul mate out there for everyone if only they were willing to look for and accept that person, virtues and faults, and love them in spite of themselves. For some people, that seemed to be true, but maybe she just wasn't one of them.

God knew Sasuke hadn't been meant for her. She'd thought so, and she'd loved him with everything she had, but in the end, love couldn't survive one-sided. And so she'd learned to let him go, and with him, most of her childish dreams.

Brushing her hand along the light switch, casting the room behind her into darkness, she decided not to think about the state of her life anymore that night. Since she was going to bed alone, there would be no one to distract her from getting too deep in those thoughts, so it was better to stop while she still could.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she headed to her bedroom, and wished that it was as easy to do as it was to know that she should.

---

Thank you to everyone who is faithfully reading as I update the chapters. It really encourages me to write more (not that I have much else to do while I wait to be able to fly back to school, but...) and it has me thinking about this pairing all the time. For those who have commented that Kakashi seems to care a lot more than he's willing to admit, and that's he perhaps being hypocritical - the answer is yes. The poor man doesn't know to deal with real emotions, and so he hides away the tender parts of himself, but he's cared about Sakura a lot longer than even he realizes. Now to get her to notice that... that's the hard part. ;)