Kurt

It takes less than an hour for Blaine to call his parents and work, for the kids to return, and for us to throw some clothes into bags and be gone. Blaine drives, and I am referee, since the kids decide now is the moment to bicker, gripe, moan and generally cause havoc. It means Blaine and I don't really have much of a chance to talk, but when Maggie is pulling Joshua's hair, and Alice is biting her big sister, it's really not all that easy to discuss thoughts, feelings, and imminent visits to parents.

"Sing along time!" Blaine declares, and promptly brings up a children's song playlist which starts with Puff the Magic Dragon. "Maggie, just you wait, my mama will play this for you, I bet."

Blaine is a genius. Alice loves to bellow, or sing. Maggie is quieter, but happy, and Joshua claps his hands and bounces up and down in his seat. We all sing along and then, when they're fully occupied, I turn to Blaine. "You call your mom, mama?"

"And?"

"Nothing, it's cute. As long as you don't still call your dad, daddy."

"I do, actually."

"You're kidding me."

"No." He laughs at my face, which must show my surprise. "Daddy or dad. Interchangeable. What can I say?"

"I don't think there's anything to say, really. You know that's a kink, right? Daddy kink?"

"Ew! No I did not. Now you've ruined it, Kurt. Get out!"

I laugh. "Not with your dad! I mean... guys...girls too, I guess? Calling the more dominant guy daddy?"

"It's never happened to me, I can assure you."

"Not exactly dominant though, are you Blaine?"

He looks across at me, feigning shock, and then he looks me up and down. "Wanna bet?"

"Yeah, I do!" I laugh, desperately trying to ignore the burning heat in the pit of my stomach. "You're wonderful, please don't get me wrong, but you wouldn't be the boss in the bedroom."

"Not in your bedroom, Kurt, no, because you'd never relinquish control for anyone."

"I might. If you asked nicely."

"Ha!" He laughs loudly at that, seemingly enjoying the flirtatious nature of the conversation. Swinging the car into a small street, he reaches across and squeezes my hand "Maybe one day I will. Okay, kids, we're here!"

Blaine's dad comes out of the house first, and Blaine is there in an instant, throwing himself into his arms and whispering something that I can't hear. His dad says something in return and then uses his thumb to wipe a tear from Blaine's cheek before tenderly kissing his forehead. He smiles brightly, then follows his son over to the car, where I stand with Joshua in my arms and the girls in front of me.

"Well hello there," he says, crouching down to the girls. "You must be Maggie and Alice. Blaine's told me lots about you. I'm Peter, Blaine's daddy." He holds out his hand for them to shake, and it's instantly easy to see where Blaine has got his impeccable manners from. So different from my own dad, but equally as kind and caring, I warm to Peter immediately.

He straightens up, chucks Joshua under the chin, and then offers his hand to me, pulling me into a hug as he does so. "Kurt. Wonderful to finally meet you."

"You too. And uh... thank you." I blush hard. "Thank you for letting us stay on such short notice. I..."

"Think nothing of it," he says, taking Joshua into his arms. "You're all welcome here. Come inside and meet Joanna."

Blaine is the image of his father, and the second I see Joanna I realize that Cooper has taken after her; she has the same eyes and light brown hair, and the same smile, too. Again, she is warm and welcoming; hugging and kissing both of the girls, taking Joshua into her arms, and kissing my cheek.

"So wonderful to have such an exciting weekend!" she exclaims. She hands Joshua back to Blaine and fetches a plate of cookies. "Peter and I were only saying this morning that we had no plans and now here we are, with a house full of people! Aren't we lucky? Now, girls, you sit there and have some cookies and milk, then I'll show you to your room."

They're immediately content, and Joshua gnaws on a cookie, smearing it all over Blaine, while Joanna takes us out into the hallway. "Now, about the sleeping arrangements," she says, glancing up the stairs. "It was all a little last minute, and daddy didn't have time to clear the fourth bedroom. So I have the girls next door to us, in Cooper's old room, and I put you two and Joshy in your old room, Blaine, is that okay?"

"Uh..his name is Joshua," I interject.

"Yes, dear." Joanna pats my hand. "Blaine said you'd say that."

"Mom, Kurt and I can't share a room," Blaine says quietly. "We just...can't."

"Why?" She looks between us. "You said nothing was going on."

"It's not! But..."

"Well then. I mean, of course, if something is going on, then Joshy can come in with us, but..."

"Oh my god," Blaine moans. Picking up a bag, he stomps up the stairs. "Nothing is going on!"

"Okay darling!"

I smile politely before following Blaine upstairs to a large and airy room, still decorated as it would have been in Blaine's teenage years. The walls are pale blue, the furniture white, the duvet and curtains are blue and red plaid, and there's even still a pinboard with photos attached.

"There's one bed."

"Yes there's one bed," he snaps. Setting Joshua on the floor to crawl about, he sits on it and looks out of the window at the yard. "You take it, I'll go down on the couch."

"Blaine?... Is it an issue to share a bed with me because I'm a guy, or because I'm gay?"

"What?" He turns accusingly. "I can't believe you're even asking me that! Do you think that little of me? My issue isn't either of those things. My issue is that we both know we shouldn't be this close. We said it. There's weird, and then there's fucked up, Kurt, and sharing a bed with you right now, given the fact that the entire WORLD thinks we're at it like rabbits, definitely borders on the latter. Jesus!"

"Okay." I kneel on the bed behind him, drape my arms over his shoulders, and kiss his cheek. "I get it. I do. But right now? There's you, and me, and our three, plus your parents. I'm pretty sure none of them, or us, are going to run to the press to reveal the fact that we shared a bed for one night. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then I'll go on the floor, but please, don't go on the couch; your mom and dad are just the sweetest, and I don't want them to feel that their hospitality isn't good enough."

I'm half expecting Blaine to shrug me off, but he doesn't. He rests a hand over mine, closes his eyes, and leans back onto my shoulder. "I'm scared I'm going to lose you," he admits, his voice cracking. "I'm scared of a lot of things right now, but that's the one that scares me the most. In the midst of it all, under all the pressure and stress, what if it all becomes too much, and we fall out?"

"We won't let that happen."

"I don't think I'd recover, Kurt. I wouldn't just lose you; I'd lose them, too, and I wouldn't cope without any of you in my life."

"I promise you, Blaine, I'm not saying goodbye to you, or letting go, or cutting ties, in any way at all."

"You called them 'our three.'"

"Did I? Huh. Well..."

I'm aware we're both waiting for one or other of us to say something, but I certainly don't know what to add without ruining everything, so I stay silent and settle for holding Blaine, instead, while Joshua stands at his knee, playing with his fingers. For now, it's enough.

"Blaine, mama said to... Oh. Oh, I do apologize. My bad."

We pull apart quickly at the sound of Peter's voice, but the door was wide open and he no doubt saw us wrapped up in our moment.

"It's fine, we were just talking," I say with a weak smile.

"Good, good. Here, let me take the baby for you."

"Really no need, dad."

"No, no, if you two want a...moment, then..."

"Dad!"

"Right. Well, mama was thinking we might all take a walk and get some ice cream, what do you say?"

It's the best possible idea, since the distraction of the kids, and Blaine's parents, means we don't have to be alone, or even talk to one another, if we don't want to. The forest at the back of the Anderson's house is beautiful, and the long, winding path leads us through to the other side of the small town, emerging by a cute little town square. The ice cream parlor is cute, antiquated, almost, and the girls love its pretty pastel colors. I feel like I've stepped back into the fifties, somehow, and when I tell Blaine, he shoves a quarter in the jukebox and sets Elvis to play.

"Well since my baby left me," Blaine sings along, much to everyone's delight. "I've found a new place to dwell." He even swivels his hips, which makes Alice scream with delight and Joshua clap his hands. "Dance?"

"No I will not," I say, pulling him into the booth. "We're not supposed to be drawing attention to our whereabouts."

"I forgot that."

"Nevermind, it was cute."

"That's not what I was going for," he says when his parents are helping the girls to choose from the menu. "I was trying to be hot."

"You don't need to try."

And there it goes again.

Blaine and I can flirt outrageously with each other, and it was always fun, silly, enjoyable and meaningless, but now, I am fast discovering, that's all changed. The flirty fun has turned into something that feels very much like a desperate, burning desire, and I have a feeling that Blaine might feel it too; which is why he's so scared and upset.

For his sake, I know I need to cool it, and so I make a concerted effort to focus on the kids and getting to know Blaine's parents. The ice cream is good, the walk back is fun, and for once, Maggie doesn't moan about the distance. How can she, when she's got Peter to point out all the different leaves on the trees, or to identify different bird calls?

When we get home again, Joanna unlocks a small summerhouse, and from inside she brings footballs, tennis racquets, and an old sit and ride horse that Blaine, apparently, calls Neddy.

"He was mine!" he says excitedly, and lifts Joshua from his stroller to have a turn. The toy is in impeccable condition; in fact, they all are. Even an old bike of Cooper's has fully inflated tires and clean brakes. When I point this out to Joanna, she blushes slightly.

"Well, I mean... I mean we might have been waiting for grandchildren to arrive," she says casually. "Not that... I mean, I know they're not our grandchildren, but it's nice to see the toys being played with again."

We watch as Blaine pushes Joshua around the yard. They're both laughing and stopping every few feet to kiss each other; their adoration clear. Maggie and Alice take turns in throwing the football to Peter; Alice has a surprisingly deadly and powerful throw for a three year old.

"Nice to see Blaine so happy," Joanna remarks, and even though I know it's a loaded comment, I still bite.

"I don't know if he is. Not all of the time. I want him to be."

"When do you think he's happiest?"

"When he's with us."

"What about when he's just with you?"

"I think... I think he could be. We both could be. Certainly that was the case, until..."

I stop. It was the case until I straddled him in his room when he was only wearing his underwear, is the answer. Things got weird from that point on. We'd agreed to forget it, to move on, but as it turns out, we've not been able to do that at all, and now it's even worse.

"I'm going on a chat show on Monday," I inform her. "To set everything straight, as it were. I didn't mean for this mix up to occur, so the least I can do is make sure the world knows Blaine is straight and single."

To my surprise, Joanna laughs. "Blaine isn't straight, dear. I don't know what he is, really, and I don't think he does either, but he's most certainly not only attracted to women." She looks me up and down, just to emphasise her point, and then goes inside.

I refuse to dwell on her remarks, and instead I help with dinner, and then Blaine and I bath the kids and get them to bed. In the evening, we all play cards, something I am very grateful for, because it distracts from what's to come, but it rolls around eventually, of course; Peter and Joanna say goodnight, walk up the stairs, and then it's up to Blaine and I.

"I wanna ask you to come to bed, but that'll be weird, so..."

"Everything between us is weird."

"Okay." Blaine sighs as he gathers our empty glasses and sets about turning out the lights. "No need to be a grouch about it."

"Well I am a grouch, because I don't like it, and I don't know when, or if, things will get back to normal. You're all flirty, Blaine, and it's not fair."

"You're flirty too!"

"But I'm not going to act on it, because I assumed you were straight!"

"Past tense?"

I trail him out to the kitchen. "Your mom says you're not."

He gives a little laugh. "Does she indeed?"

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

Closing the dishwasher, he leans against it and sighs. "No there's not. I have only ever had sex with women. I've never even kissed another guy, not even on a drunken night in college, nothing. Satisfied?"

"Not really. Why did she say that, then?"

"Let's just say, my mom can read me like an open book, okay?" He slides past me on the way out of the room, letting our fingers brush together. "Come to bed."

We are silent then, taking it in turns to use the bathroom to change into shorts and t-shirt, both pairs being mine, since Blaine hasn't been home to grab clean clothes. He gets into bed first, holding out the duvet for me, and after kissing Joshua, who is sleeping soundly in his travel crib, I slide in next to him, and turn out the light.

It surprises me that he reaches for me, but I find that I need his touch so much that I almost cry to feel his hands on my back. He holds me as you'd hold a lover; carefully, reverently, lovingly. I melt around him, bringing my leg up to his waist and letting one hand run up into his hair. Blaine lies on his back, his arms about me, and when I press my lips to his cheek, he closes his eyes.

"I just want to hold you, Kurt, is that okay? My head is a scrambled mess of everything right now, and I just want the chance to let all of that melt away."

"Of course."

There's nothing more to say, really, so we lie there in the dark and then, when I'm almost asleep, Blaine kisses my forehead softly. "I wish I was brave," he whispers quietly, but I don't let on that I've heard.

We both force joviality the next day. We're happy and upbeat, like the fucking Waltons, in fact, only underneath, both Blaine and I are paddling like crazy to stay afloat. When Peter and Joanna offer to take the kids to church, both Blaine and I decide to go with them, despite the fact I haven't been in years. He's putting off having a conversation with me, and I'm putting off listening to what I don't think I'll want to hear.

After lunch, we reluctantly make our way back to the city. I promise we'll return soon, of course I do, but the reality is I don't know whether Blaine and I will be in a position to do this again.

"I want that lady to be a grandma," Maggie declares as we drive away. "I love her. And I love Peter. Can he be a grandad?"

Neither of us answer.

There are press and fans waiting when we arrive back, which immediately sets Blaine on edge and his annoyance starts to panic the girls again. Everyone is tetchy, snapping at each other and generally bad-tempered, so of course it follows that Alice refuses to leave the car and then, when Blaine wrestles her out of her car seat, she throws herself on the floor.

"Not goin' inside!" she screams over the click of the camera lens. "Can't make me! Not gonna!"

"Get. Up." Blaine grits his teeth and tries to move her, then looks to me for help.

"Come on, sweetie, let's go inside."

"NO!" She kicks out, and hard, but I don't dare flinch.

"That was very bad," I say softly. "And I need you to stop it right now. We have to get inside, otherwise none of these people will go away, do you understand? So please, just let Blaine pick you up and we can go in, and close the door."

"Will there be pizza for dinner?"

"If you want." I know it's rewarding bad behavior, but I am totally past the point of caring. Alice lifts her arms up, and lets Blaine take her inside, and that's all I care about right now.

The tantrum only serves to make Blaine more withdrawn, and he barely eats dinner that night. He excuses himself at one point, then comes back and announces that he's not going into work for a few days.

"I'll come with you tomorrow."

"You don't need to do that."

"I want to."

"I'm on night shoots starting tomorrow."

"I know."

I was hoping he'd offer to stay here, but he doesn't, so I don't persist. We perform the usual routine of bathing and bed times, and then, the inevitable happens when Blaine sits me down at the kitchen table and says we need to talk.

"I think I've been really unfair on you," he begins, holding a mug of tea between his hands. He fixes his stare on this, and not my face. "I think that maybe I've given you false hope, and that was never my intention. I know how I've been, though, and for that, I apologize. I just... I need you to know that nothing can happen, here, okay? Because I think that maybe you want it to, and... well, it can't."

I swallow hard, and try to set my face into a neutral expression. "Of course. I understand that. You've not given me any false hope, Blaine. Don't worry."

"Huh? But I..."

"Ah, it was only ever harmless flirting. For me, anyway. Did you think I'd read into it?"

"Well, yes, I... Because I..."

"Look, we're best friends, right? Best friends comfort one another, have fun together... We've let the weight of the world bring us down, but I've never thought that we have a...a thing going."

"Oh." He looks momentarily stunned, as if that wasn't the answer that he was expecting or hoping for, but he recovers well. "Okay, well, good. I'm glad that's all cleared up. I'm um.. I'm going to bed."

"You're staying?"

"I had Cooper bring some clothes over to Quinn while we were away. I thought it'd be useful if I stayed here while you were on night shoots."

"Oh my..." I laugh. "Yes, that would be...amazing. Thank you, Blaine, just... thank you." I kiss his cheek quickly but pull back, and he seems happy enough with that.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Polly will be here at five. We'll need to leave by five thirty, if you're sure about..."

"Coming with you?" He shrugs. "Of course. People think that's all I do anyway. Trail you about everywhere."

"Oh, that's not..."

"I'm okay with it. Might as well give 'em what they want one last time, huh? I'll see you tomorrow."

It's only once Blaine has gone upstairs that I realize it's only seven thirty.

As ever, Blaine's support is unwavering the next day. Knowing I am full of nerves, he has the driver go by my favorite bakery, where he dashes in and returns with two coffees and a muffin to split. When we arrive at the studio, he steps back but stays close, letting Quinn do her job while also being my stalwart. He sits next to me in makeup, and then in the greenroom, as soon as we're alone, he hugs me close and reassures me that I can do this.

"Quinn said no questions about the kids ages, names, or where they came from," I tell him. I break from his hold to walk back and forth.

"I think that's sensible."

"Yeah. If I do move to adopt, I don't want everyone knowing how it all came about. She also said no questions about you, other than a leading one for me to refute all the allegations."

"Right. Good."

"I could've said you're a musician."

"I'd rather I wasn't mentioned at all. Listen, when this is done, it'll all be over. The press interest in us will die down once they know we're not together."

Blaine couldn't be more wrong. I don't dare explain to him the notion of real-life shipping, or fanfiction, tumblr, and all the rest of it. I just smile, squeeze his hand, and then turn my attentions to the door as it opens.

"Mr. Hummel, we're ready for you now. Your friend can watch from the edge of the set, if he wants."

Janae is nice enough, but she's a journalist and presenter and she has a job to do. We get the niceties out of the way; yes, I like living in New York again, yes, I went to college here, and so on. We talk briefly about filming; exterior shots right now, and I bemoan the imminent night shoots, and then, inevitably, the conversation takes a different route.

"So, Kurt, since I happen to have you here, I have to ask... There's been a lot of speculation in the press this weekend, over your personal life. Now really, that's rare, right? You're a notoriously private person and you've done a great job of keeping your personal life out of the news, so what's changed?"

"Uh, well, nothing, really," I say with a laugh. "I still want it to be that way. It's just, I guess there's an interest, and that comes with the job."

"So let's discuss this, first of all." A photo appears on a large screen behind me, and a monitor in front. It's of me in the park, with the three kids, and Blaine is taking a picture of us. "Are these your kids? Have you somehow managed to keep the birth of three children out of the public eye?"

"Not exactly, no. I'm um... caring for them. I don't really want to say any more on that, if you don't mind. It's a delicate situation, and for them, they're having to get used to a whole different life, so..."

"I hear you. Of course. Well, they look adorable."

"Thank you." I try not to laugh; their faces are blurred so heavily, on my insistence, that you can only really see their torsos and legs.

"Is there anything else you want to tell us? Would you care to... Oh, I don't know. Identify the mystery man in the photo?"

The audience whoops and cheers and out of the corner of my eye, I see Blaine standing there, waiting.

"That's uh... well..."

"Do you have a boyfriend, Kurt?"

More cheers.

A new photo flashes up, and after glancing at it on the monitor, I turn around to see it larger than life behind me. It's of us on Friday night, leaving the awards party hand in hand. We're both laughing, turned to face each other, and it's quite possibly the most beautiful photo I've ever seen, ever.

Blaine's beauty, his incomparable, heartfelt kindness, and wonderful caring, attentive ways seem to shine, to radiate out, and the photo, to me, captures everything that has made me fall so, so hard for the man who is now standing there, waiting for me to deny everything.

And I can't.

"He's uh... Look, I don't want to say too much, really. I just..." I look back at the photo, and smile. "I'm happy. I guess that's all I can say. He makes me incredibly happy."

"Can you define that a little more?"

"I don't really want to. I mean, I'm gay. That's not a secret, really. It's a known thing."

"And are you raising the kids together?"

"I guess um... I guess co-parenting would be a word I'd use, yes."

"And is it love?"

I laugh. "I think you've got enough out of me now. I'm happy with life, let's just leave it there and move on."

"Am I allowed to ask what he does for a living?"

"He's a musician and a music teacher. And he's fabulous at it."

The interview continues, with questions about my co-stars and directors, and how the series will connect to the comics. I assume I answer all the questions and smile in all the right places, but my heart is pounding and my throat feels dry.

I can't see Blaine anywhere.