X. This is when I need you
"Calm down Willie," He tried to tell her. "I can hear you hyperventilating from here."
"Calm down? How can I ever calm down? You have no idea." She exclaimed back, still breathing hard. This actually saved her, because in her throat there wasn't enough breath to shout – the thing she was about to do – and all that came out was a shrill sound.
"Oh, that was terrifying." He commented at the sound he heard through the phone. "So, what did you dream exactly?"
Wilhelmina gulped. She only now realized that had to actually admit to Marc, she had imagined having sex with Daniel. "I… You know what? It really doesn't matter."
Not a word more, she just closed the call. She was sitting on the bed, her legs crossed on the sheets, holding the phone in one hand with an empty stare. She almost laughed, thinking that anyone were to see her in her current state, would liken her to a girl after her first kiss, not knowing whether to tell everything to her BFF.
She got out of bed, and threw the phone on it; she went toward the credenza in the lounge. Once there however, she realized the door was locked. For a long moment she hated Amanda deeply, who with the excuse of still breastfeeding Leah and the still present memory of living with a former alcoholic, had asked all the places holding alcohol to be kept under lock and key.
Grumbling, she returned to her bedroom and reached for the first drawer of her dressing table. Grabbing the key, she was about to leave the room, when her eyes fell on the phone again. She needed to talk with someone, or she would go mad; and Marc was the only person on this earth she would trust with her dream.
Finally, she gave up and brought it, still holding the key tightly in the other hand. Yes, she definitely had to find the courage to tell Marc everything, she realized: taking the bottle of whisky she clearly saw her hand trembling. That's also why she decided against using a glass – she risked breaking it into a thousand pieces.
She quickly opened the bottle, and took a big sip, hoping it would help her in the difficult undertaking of the task ahead. Sighing again, she resolved to redial Marc's number.
As soon as he picked up, he asked. "Who?"
"What?"
"Who you dream you were having sex with?" He immediately clarified.
"How the hell did you know that?" Wilhelmina exclaimed, surprised. She wasn't used to it anymore; Marc's ability to read her moods so accurately.
"You hardly breathed, you babbled and refused confrontation. Spicy dream, I bet you anything."
She took another sip of whisky from the bottle she still held, and with both bottle and phone she went in the corridor, covering the floor up to the entrance, and leaned against the door.
"Daniel." She finally admitted in a whisper.
She really couldn't decipher the sound that came from Marc. It was something like a laugh, but a scream too, all mixed up with a gulp. "THAT Daniel?" He asked, genuinely amused.
"Ok, it was a mistake telling you this." She answered, ready to close the communication again.
"No, please don't hang up." He begged her. "Come on tell me. He… was he good?" He questioned artfully.
Wilhelmina's finger slipped to the red button, but he stopped her again. "I'm sorry. Are you ok?" He asked, suddenly serious again.
Her back still rested on the door. She slowly let herself slide down to the floor. Once sat, she admitted. "No, I'm not."
"It's that disturbing?"
"No… it's not the dream itself. I… I felt guilty, somehow. Damn, it's all Amanda's fault, her, and her stupid insinuations."
"Amanda? What's she got to do with it?"
"She was convinced something was going on between me and him," She briefly explained, "and so she sabotaged a photo-shoot so that we would go back to being at each other's throat."
"Huh? Ok…I've totally lost the thread of this argument." He confessed.
"Never mind." She tried to make the situation clearer. "The point is… I've never had dreams of this kind since… since then."
Marc perceived her fear, even when there was an ocean in between them. She was afraid of a dream, but this didn't surprise him completely: he could only imagine the mess in her heart. He decided to help her, at least try.
"Willie, it was only a dream." He said sweetly. "You really shouldn't attach all this importance to it."
"And what if things become more real?" Wilhelmina asked back, and immediately regretted saying it. The simple idea of her and him reaching that kind of intimacy was… just wasn't thinkable.
"Do you honestly think there's a danger of that happening?" Damn it, exactly what he shouldn't have said.
"I don't know." She felt forced to admit. "That's what scares me the most."
"And would it be that bad? What is it that scares you so much, the fact he's Daniel Meade, or that he isn't Connor?"
"What? That's not the point, I-"
"Willie, you know you can't lie to me. And I can be honest, because I'm thousands miles away." He insisted, the last sentence actually made Wilhelmina smile.
"I assure you this is not about Connor. I don't owe him anything, not anymore." She firmly declared.
"Then…I suggest you go back to sleep and try to forget what you dreamt tonight."
"Thank you."
Wilhelmina was sure that on the other side of the phone line, he was blushing. "You're welcome. Nice talking to you anyway. I think this is the longest call we ever had."
"Yes, that's because you're gonna pay me back all the money I'm spending now." She joked.
"Say hi to Amanda and the bab-"
"Yes, yes," She interrupted, "now don't get too soppy."
He chuckled. "Yes, ma'am."
They said goodbye, and closing the call she stood up from her angle near the door. She still held the whisky bottle, and with it she moved toward her bedroom. On the threshold though, her stare ran to Amanda's door: she couldn't help but ask; how would the girl react if she ever found out of her nightly fantasies.
xXx
Arriving at the Meade building, Daniel looked around, searching for Wilhelmina, Amanda and most of all Leah. He had only been back a week, but h was already accustomed to starting the day holding and playing with his niece, and squabbling with Wilhelmina, under the amused stare of Amanda.
He kept on scanning the lobby, hoping to find his girls. He chuckled, when he realized he had included Willie in the definition. The chuckle however became a wide smile, when he finally located Amanda. He thought he had seen a glimpse of Wilhelmina, Lily and Leah too, but as he reached his supposed sister-in-law-to-be he found her alone.
"Hey, hi!" She welcomed him.
"Hi Amanda." He answered. "You're alone?"
"Al- Hey," she exclaimed, noticing only then that the others had left. "Where the hell has everyone gone?"
"It almost seemed they rushed away when they saw me." Daniel joked.
"They took Leah too!" She said back, turning all around. She was worried, and angry too: it hadn't been nice to disappear with her daughter, without even alerting her.
"Don't worry," He gently told her. "It's not like she's been kidnapped. And Lily's with her." He added, when he understood that actually it was the idea of the baby alone with Wilhelmina which seemed to upset Amanda.
"Yeah, right. So," She reprised, after taking a big breath. In the middle of everything she still had to make her apologies to Daniel for the photoshoot. "We haven't talked since… well, the Dollhouse thing…"
"Yup. I have a couple of things to ask you about that…"
"I'm sorry." Amanda shot. "I made such a mess of everything."
"That's not true. Wilhelmina kinda explained your position, and … I understand you, really."
"Really?" She shyly asked. "You know, you have every right to blame me."
"I won't." He reassured her. "Just… don't mess with the photoshoot next time."
Amanda tensely laughed. "Ok, I learned my lesson. And if you're interested, I won't mess with... well, your private lives either."
"Did you really think that... you know, that Wilhelmina would have searched for comfort with me?"
He wasn't that sure he wanted to know the answer. He wasn't even sure if it was the right thing to ask that question, sincerely. However, somehow he hoped Amanda could help him resolve the doubts she had been the one to raise in him.
Despite the delicate nature of the predicament, or maybe because of it, she chose to answer frankly. "I did, and I still think so. I saw her stare that night, before you left: her eyes weren't lying, at all."
She had spoken plainly, trying not to expose the anger she still felt about it all. The fact that she had agreed with Wilhelmina not to intrude anymore didn't mean she agreed with Willie's behaviour. Somehow, Daniel understood what was behind Amanda's sudden silence.
"This annoys you, doesn't it?" He asked.
She nodded. "But I told you, I'll keep my nose out of...whatever," She heavily gestured, moving her hands in circles. "Whatever is going on here or...wherever, with her."
"Yeah, but it's not enough. You... You have to move on. For real. Aren't you told so everyday?"
She bitterly smiled. "At least a thousand time per hour, yes. But this doesn't mean my answer will ever change."
Daniel didn't actually expect such determination Amanda. He knew that when she loved, she did it fully hearted - he had been a clear example - but he would have never suspected it to that point. It wasn't humanly possible, really; and surely his so called brother didn't deserve it.
"I can smell your skepticism." She continued. "Look, what if I tell you the whole story once and for all?"
Daniel gulped. "There's still something I don't know?"
Amanda smirked. "Most of the people who keep on telling me to move on haven't even noticed any of them. So, tonight at your mom's?"
"Why there?"
"I'll be there anyway, Mrs. Meade invited me and Leah for dinner. Guess she feels guilty for spilling the beans to Wilhelmina about the photoshoot."
"Ok, deal. See you tonight then, and say hi to the baby."
She nodded again, and left. He observed her still for some moments, now even more curious about these so-called unnoticed facts she had promised to tell him.
xXx
Leah smiled lazily, waking from her brief, after lunch, nap. Lily noticed the baby was now awake, and left the documents she was arranging on Wilhelmina's desk to return her attention to her.
The young assistant liked spending time with the little girl, so everytime she was asked to look after her she happily took the task. Today, it was better than usual: Amanda had asked her to stay with her daughter the whole day, so that she could finally finish her work for the upcoming issue. Yes, this request had come after a furious telling-off about not disappearing anymore with her baby without saying a word, but Lily was used to the, definitely more sudden, mood changes of her boss to find Amanda's behavior too strange.
Reaching the cradle, she found Leah sat up, waiting for someone to lift her out. Lily welcomed the silent request, and grabbed the baby in her arms.
"Oh dear, you woke up early today." She said, once she had the girl. "Are you hungry?"
The baby didn't react in any particular way, letting Lily think she was good for the moment.
"Lucky girl, I'm starving."
She hadn't left for her lunch break, wanting to finish work, and because of Leah. Her biscuit supply was depleted, and the fact Amanda still hadn't shown up suggested to her that the other blonde hadn't finished her work yet.
Holding Leah, she grabbed the documents she was working on from Willie's desk and returned her own, where she found a pleasant surprise.
"Edwin! You're here!"
The young man smiled sweetly, and Lily saw his eyes shining behind the glasses.
"I brought you lunch." He said, showing a small box wrapped in a vivid colored tissue. "Meatballs and spaghetti, courtesy of my grandma." He explained, and left the box on her desk.
Lily sat and Edwin held his hands out towards Leah. "Wait, I'll take her. I... I've already eaten, so I could look after the baby while you ate."
Lily smiled up at him, surprised. She had only known him for a couple of weeks, and she still wasn't used to his kindness. Not to mention how cute he was when smiling at her.
She let him take the little girl, and started unpacking the lunch box.
"This girl is so pretty, and sweet." He commented, looking at Leah peacefully staring at him and kinda smiling.
"Yes, she is." Lily agreed, spearing the first meatball with the fork. "It's a pleasure looking after her, she never behaves badly."
"You could say she's not her mother's daughter." He joked, remembering the Amanda from his Mode days, about three years before, and of the little joke she played on him, pretending to be Lily in order to sabotage the photoshoot.
Lily chuckled. "Well, I don't know, but Amanda says Leah takes after her father for being so good-natured."
"Good-natured? Didn't that guy leave her when she was still pregnant? You told me so."
Lily tried to debate despite her mouth full of food. "Yeah," She finally swallowed. "But it's more complicated than that."
"Why do you say that?" He asked, truly curious.
"I told you, she says he was sweet, kind, full of attention for her and their daughter. The picture she paints of him is definitely not of a man who would leave this way."
"So, what's happened? You told me he was with your boss's boyfriend when he vanished. Maybe it's the latter's fault."
"Who knows?" Lily commented bitterly. Her job had given her a privileged spot to be witness to all those singular events, and most of all, to both Amanda's and Wilhelmina's personal hell. She tried to do her best to help her boss and her young friend, but even she knew the only thing which could really help them was the truth - the real one.
They remained silent for a couple of minutes; the only sounds heard were Lily's eating and Leah's casual noises.
Someone soon came to break the quiet. Hearing Wilhelmina's stilettos on the floor, Edwin felt terrified again.
When she reached Lily's desk, her look immediately fell on her lunch. "So, the pallor is not because of malnutrition." Wilhelmina said. Then, looking at Edwin, added. "Instead of babysitting, please alert your boss I'm coming to his office to checking the Dollhouse shots you did yesterday."
She had tried to sound determined, and emotionless. She hoped it worked, because meeting Daniel simply terrorized her. She had avoided him all day, like that morning when she had run away with Lily and Leah as soon as she had seen him approaching.
"Yes, ma'am!" Edwin confirmed.
But Wilhelmina hadn't heard. She was focusing on what he was holding: Leah. An idea immediately struck her, and so she ordered: "Give her to me."
Lily and Edwin looked at Willie, and then each other, perplexed.
"What if Amanda comes back and doesn't find her?" Lily cautiously asked.
"Tell her she's with me, it's not that difficult. So..." she referred to Edwin, "give her to me."
This time Edwin obeyed without hesitation, and let Wilhelmina grab Leah. The idea was simple and genial: arriving with the baby, his niece would allow her to distract him and avoid embarrassing questions and conversations, not to mention Leah was a good physical barrier between the two of them.
Taking the baby girl, she left, sighing heavily. Lily could't help but think she seemed like a general about to fight her biggest battle.
xXx
During the whole journey to Hudson's fashion department, Wilhelmina walked holding the baby so tightly that on a couple of occasions she feared she may actually hurt her. As much as she would never admit it, she had bonded enough to that little monster to want her to live 'til the adult age at least.
She felt an unhealthy nervousness, and this annoyed her. She simply hated the feeling of having her mind so messed up she ended up having dreams of that kind. She could find plenty of men to vent her lowest instincts with; surely she didn't need Daniel Danny Meade. But she had kept her instincts to herself these past months, and she couldn't help but think that, after all, it wasn't that wrong.
She finally saw him, at the end of the corridor she was heading through, and shivered. Despite this, she went to him.
"Oh, you brought a visitor today." Daniel exclaimed with a silly voice when he saw Wilhelmina approaching with Leah.
"You know, I had the idea to distract you with her while I check the shots." She said, pretending to sound relaxed.
He smiled. "Yeah, right, I should have thought of that. Can I hold her?"
She stopped moving, and breathing, for a couple of seconds. "No, she's just woken up," She dryly answered, "she gets nervous if she's not next to me." No way, she wasn't about to give up her little, milk-drinker shield.
Daniel looked at her, dubiously. "Sure." Her look was different from any he had ever seen on her. Something was wrong, and he didn't understand what exactly. His mind went inevitably to the possibility it could be regarding Connor and Tyler's theft and getaway.
"Willie… is something wrong?" He asked. Right after, he wondered if hadn't overdone it, calling her that way.
"Yes, of course. Let's go, we have some work to do." She announced, moving toward the table where the photos were lying.
He reached her there, and looked at the photos. "It seems to me these are really good. Vincent is always the best."
Wilhelmina raised her eyebrows, not even turning to him. "So, if they are that good why did you ask me to come here? Waste my time?"
"Hey, I'm only giving my honest opinion."
She had flown into a rage all at once. Definitely, she was nervous, really nervous, and he couldn't stand not knowing why.
She stayed motionless for a few moments, uncertain of what say or do. Meanwhile, Leah stretched her hands to the magnifying glass resting on the table. Wilhelmina noticed it, and let her grab it.
"She likes it." Daniel commented sweetly. "Look, she wants to check the photos too."
Willie smiled almost imperceptibly. "Yes. Guess the fashion in her blood is struggling to emerge. I mean; after all, she's Fey Sommers's grandchild."
"Oh, I can imagine even her blood corpuscles have sunglasses and blonde hair."
Wilhelmina let a slight laugh come out.
"Ha! I managed to make you smile!"
"Oh, shut up." She answered back, but still smiled. Suddenly, the idea to relax at least a little didn't scare her so much.
He let himself to observe her with a little more attention. He was getting used to Wilhelmina being, well, nice with his niece, but a kid-friendly Willie and truly smiling one at the same time… that was huge.
"Why were you so nervous when you arrived?" This slipped out without thought, he couldn't stop it anyway. In the days before, he had had the impression she was the strong one, who got mad because Amanda wasn't strong enough.
"It's because of you." She sincerely answered. The truth was, in that moment, something in her had raised its head to yell at her to stop being so timorous.
Daniel felt surprised, or so he pretended to be. "It's still because of Amanda's insinuations?"
"I can't battle alone, not anymore."
Her face had turned sad, fearful, begging. He really couldn't say what exactly was in her eyes, or her voice. Was she asking him to help? It sounded so odd.
"Can… can I help?" He asked.
She didn't answer him. At least, not with her voice. Her lips crashed into his, so quickly all he could do was kiss her back. She was still holding Leah, who was now between the two of them. For a brief moment Wilhelmina was vaguely amused that the supposed shield was instead binding them.
He raised his right hand to her cheek, gently brushing it. He wasn't exactly sure of what was happening, except for one thing: it was good. For her part, she felt sure that the previous night it hadn't been just a meaningless dream.
The kiss didn't last long enough to let him explore his feelings. As fast as she had kissed him, she pulled away from him, and took a couple of steps backwards.
"I have to go." She murmured. "Amanda must be looking for Leah."
Before Daniel was able to move any limb or express a single word, she turned and walked quickly, practically disappearing in a few seconds.
xXx
Amanda usually didn't like walking long distances pushing Leah's stroller, but the day was so sunny and fresh that not doing it would definitely be a pity.
Plus, she was in a good mood herself; she couldn't say if it was because of the possibility, that night, that she could eventually persuade Daniel of her version of events, or because of the armistice with Wilhelmina. Maybe it was simply that she finished her article, or even better; because her baby was quiet and smiling, and these days, that was a miracle.
She was going through Central Park, letting the slight wind refresh her. At a certain point, Leah made a sound, and Amanda stopped to check if she was ok.
She was, but she was also moving her little arms as if asking to take a little more air.
"Ok dearie, I got it, it's time for a pause." Amanda sweetly told her daughter. She grabbed her and lifted her out the stroller, and raised her up enough to look directly in her little, green eyes.
"Are you happy about going to grandma's tonight?" She said. "I know you are, she spoils you more every time."
"Oh my God! Amanda?"
A male voice came from behind. A really familiar male voice, actually. Amanda turned around; curious.
The person in front of her was definitely the last person she thought she would have met. In front of her, smiling but surprised, stood Matt Hartley.