Xena and Gabrielle had become much more comfortable around one another in their time together. It came to be that a sort of powerful friendship bonded between them in the spaces of their self-doubt and caution. Within the uncertainty of their feelings toward one another, they pushed it all aside to comfortably coexist. It went without saying that if things became overly complicated that Gabrielle would pull herself away.
As it turned out, words weren't always necessary anyway. Gabrielle's nods became a token of appreciation toward the darker warrior, and Xena's smirks became a sassy appreciation of her own.
Over the weeks, Xena would toss Gabrielle a smile among the crowd for Gabrielle's selfless acts of charity. Gabrielle, in her turn, would send a very subtle nod over to Xena at the warrior's tendency to be kind to children along their way.
There was a silent understanding that kept Xena silencing her attractions to Gabrielle. There was a bond much stronger than the way Xena wanted to hold Gabrielle. Even the thought of kissing the blond warrior could be forgotten with an elaborate tale from the budding bard at her side.
There were strong feelings that cooled with Xena's need to be around the strange and wonderful warrior keeping her company. Even in the dull or empty moments next to Gabrielle on cold nights, the soft blond hair brought a smile to Xena in more ways than one. Gabrielle was comforting. Her presence was settling, and the very sight of her grounded Xena and righted injustices of the past. The fact that Gabrielle's existence could change so much for her had Xena struggling at night with the immensity of her bond with Gabrielle. Each day, it grew. She worried one day how strongly she might feel for Gabrielle - regardless of the category of affection. If anyone were to threaten Gabrielle's safety, Xena wondered how she might react. Gabrielle - being the strong and independent woman she was - was not the type of damsel to find herself in distress. In fact, she was no damsel at all. Instead, Gabrielle was a hero.
Gabrielle laid those nights with thoughts of her own. She and Xena had travelled around small villages with a lot of weight to their conversations along with whatever crude but infectious humor Xena contributed. The tall, observant woman had grown so effectively on Gabrielle that she felt bonded with Xena on a level she had never felt before. Whatever the basis of her companionship with Xena, Gabrielle knew that what she felt for Xena was very different than any other bond she had known. There were moments where she admired Xena for the attractive woman she was, but Gabrielle never leered. There were even moments when Gabrielle wondered if she had ever had so close a friend, but she didn't talk about her feelings. Either way, she could feel that being so close with Xena was changing her. It was changing them both.
There were things Gabrielle began to understand about herself the more she spoke with Xena. Questions also came to light; the more she heard about Ares, the more Gabrielle wondered what kind of a role he had played in Xena's life.
Knowing the distaste Xena seemed to feel for Ares, Gabrielle hadn't brought it up before, but one evening as they were sitting in an enjoyable silence together, she did.
Gabrielle was thinking about the bonds that had formed between them in the past few days, and smiled fondly at the way Xena had watched her aid a young's man's journey back to his family. Gabrielle had set his leg properly, and glanced back to Xena to see the curious interest in those impossibly blue eyes. They had spoken on their way to camp of healing practices, and Gabrielle smiled all over again when she remembered Xena's hand at the back of her neck - comforting her and expressing their closeness.
Xena leaned forward on the log to inspect her sword for nicks when Gabrielle laid onto her back as if to symbolize her harmless intent. Gabrielle looked up to the darkening sky with fingers interlocked over her abdomen, and asked with humbled patience: "... How do you know Ares?"
Eyes sliced through the space between them, but when Xena noted Gabrielle's body language, she dropped her eyes again. "You've never asked about him before."
"That's right," Gabrielle smiled.
Xena smiled down at her sword, but it disappeared just as quickly. "If you really wanna know ... he met with me when I was young and determined to fight." Xena tossed another less threatening glance over to Gabrielle to ensure the woman was still looking up to the sky. "He liked my attitude, I think."
"He wanted you to be Goddess alongside him?" Gabrielle asked carefully, always having wondered where Xena had come across the immaculate strength she had. As they spoke, she was beginning to put things together.
"He traded me-" But then Xena stopped, and dropped her sword to the ground at the accidental share. She picked it back up and cleared her throat. "Enough stories for today."
"Xena-"
"I'm tired, Gabrielle," Xena finished with such power behind her tone that Gabrielle simply stared at her retreating figure.
Gabrielle watched Xena step away, and waited for her return. They each needed their space at times, and neither pushed to keep close.
When Xena finally made her way back, Gabrielle was lying on Xena's bedroll. It was a habit Gabrielle had come upon as Xena's was much warmer and thicker, and the fur Xena used to cover herself were comforting to Gabrielle. She also quite enjoyed the feigned annoyance Xena showed upon being so inconvenienced. It was a simple and satisfying game they shared they would never have shared with company.
"So. You're not getting up until I talk, hey?" Xena estimated, resting her hands on her hips with the comforting sight before her. Gabrielle could be so unpredictable at times. Xena observed the unmoving body under her furs, and rolled her eyes just like Gabrielle was wont to do.
"Xena ... I just want to know," Gabrielle sighed, slowly sitting with the fur still up around her chest when Xena admired the precious care of her companion. Given that simple inquisitive look from her friend, there wasn't much Xena could deny to Gabrielle. Understanding defeat had sunken in, Xena exhaled and sat across from the sleepy blond.
"I don't like to share these things." But even as Xena spoke, she realized how similar her choices were to Gabrielle's - shutting herself off from others. No other time had Xena found such a connection to another, feeling what her companion felt before thinking. She dropped her head. "I mean ... Gabrielle, things are so ..."
Gabrielle was looking at her when Xena picked her eyes up to the patient blond. In darker light, Gabrielle's hair seemed to have a sort of honey tone that complimented the green of her eyes. Xena blinked, and then looked to her again.
"Gabrielle ... I'll try to tell you. But if I tell you ... I want you to tell me about your past, too."
"Are you bargaining with me?" Gabrielle smiled in a peculiarly soft way.
Xena wrung her hands together: "Yeah ... I guess." She trusted Gabrielle, but she needed something in return. She needed to understand Gabrielle's past vulnerabilities to admit her own. As strong and sure as she seemed to be, she had her own weakness and self-consciousness.
"You don't want to hear about that. No one cares about my family," Gabrielle admitted all at once, pushing the subject from her mind.
Xena tried again, getting to her feet. "Gabrielle-"
"No. Everyone knows they were bad to me, and Ephiny always understood that."
Xena stopped just two feet from where Gabrielle sat, halted. She couldn't combat the words of a dead woman, but she knew Gabrielle needed to hear what she would say, so she said it regardless of her own hesitance. "Gabrielle ... family means the world to you."
Gabrielle scoffed openly: "Excuse me?"
"From what I've seen of you ... I see that you hold this subject away from yourself. Why do you think you do that?"
"I'm not talking about my family right now," Gabrielle insisted - as rational as ever, she convinced herself. She stood on unsteady feet, and willed them to be strong.
Xena stayed strong, appearing emotionless although her emotions were threatening to get the best of her. Anger, sadness, sympathy, and fear were all mounting inside of her as she expelled an even breath with cold, trained eyes.
"Gabrielle ... I know it upsets you, but-"
"No! ... No, I'm not talking about them. I'm not talking about anything."
"Just tell me why you ran away. Tell me-"
"No! I can't! They don't even love me!"
"I know they do!"
"You don't know anything!" Gabrielle growled, panting with anger and sorrow. Her eyes were swimming with the emotions of her heart for once in a very long time. Somehow, the conversation had burrowed its way into her heart. "You don't know what you're talking about!"
Xena's stiff form relaxed when her eyes retreated to the ground. She couldn't seem to stand that look from Gabrielle - even for a moment. She closed her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Gabrielle."
When Gabrielle pivoted on her right foot and took off into darkness, Xena lowered herself to her knees, and cried silently into her hand. She and Gabrielle had so much to sort through, and neither seemed entirely capable of doing so. From what Xena knew about being tender with another, she did the best she could, but even she had bouts of insensitivity along their journeys which Gabrielle always handled much better than their conversations of the past.
Could it really be possible to sort through any of it together? Xena doubted her abilities, even being as experienced with hardships as she was. She could get into the mind of any enemy, but with Gabrielle, everything was different. She didn't know how to help her painful memories.
The emotion Gabrielle had showed to her was more than Xena could take. The sadness and anger she had pulled from the smaller fighter had Xena hurting, too. All she wanted to do was console Gabrielle, but she didn't know how. A woman in Gabrielle's still-troubled state didn't want to be held. A woman insisting to do everything for herself was insecure, keeping herself at a distance from others. At times, Gabrielle reminded Xena of herself.
When Gabrielle had given herself a sufficient amount of space from her travelling companion, she reached a tall tree that her hands immediately touched. Her palms ran up the coarse bark until she found a pocket to pull herself up with, reaching a larger gap that had housed a small animal at one point in time. She tightened her hold, and pulled while her feet expertly braced against the bark - toes and the balls of her feet taking the brunt of the harsher textures.
Before long, Gabrielle had found a large branch to grab onto, wrestling herself up onto it before reaching for the next, and the next after that. She sat up on the highest branch that would support her, looking out to the pale moon in the sky. She let one foot dangle off the branch as she stared out away from the thinning trunk at her back. She took in the cool air that swirled more freely among the tops of the trees and closed her eyes.
Gabrielle thought to Ephiny, and their talks - long before they were lovers - about her parents. Ephiny had understood so long ago that Gabrielle was estranged from her parents. Ephiny had been estranged from her own parents. It was never something that was pushed, and Gabrielle sat up in that tree wondering why the subject had affected her so terribly. She knew Xena hadn't meant any harm. Xena had no idea how it would affect her - with cold eyes that had been staring toward her, Gabrielle figured Xena had no idea the trauma that could accompany a bloodline. Gabrielle wondered how she could possibly explain her past to Xena, seeing for once in a long time that such upsetting items should be confronted. She breathed and simply thought about her pain while admiring the dark blue of the nothingness above her.
It took about another hour for Gabrielle to sit, think, and then climb down from the tree to find her way back at the camp site she had set up earlier with Xena.
The sight Gabrielle was met with upon her return had her waiting among the bushes to watch. There before her sat Xena by a slow-burning fire, wiping a tear off her cheek. Gabrielle frowned at the image of Xena so distraught about another's pain. Was that another part of her emotional upset? Gabrielle waited in silence while Xena roughly wiped a hand over her face and blinked all of the sadness away, leaving Gabrielle to wonder if Xena had done it often in moments alone. Gabrielle had never guessed Xena was a woman with such honest emotion.
Humor had always seemed a defense for the strong and mighty Xena. Suddenly, it seemed to be more. The humor was a companion for the woman who had never had any trusted company before. Gabrielle watched the open struggle on Xena's face before she noticed her own reaction to the display. Her eyes were filling with tears, too.
Having worked very diligently to keep herself from revealing any emotion she felt, Gabrielle was shaken that it had come rushing back so quickly. She blinked it all away in denial, but her emotional states had swarmed her for that moment. Her old state of mind had taken her over quite unpredictably. At that, Gabrielle stepped her way out of hiding, and stood facing Xena.
"I'm sorry ... I was watching you."
Xena turned to her, and tried her best at a smile. "I know."
"Xena ... I'm sorry I took off. It's just that making things right with my family ... it wouldn't be easy."
"Easier than if they're dead," Xena muttered, stilling her expression as she focused her eyes on the embers of the fire.
Attributing the strange comment to Xena's dark sense of humor, Gabrielle took another step closer: "I hope you're not threatening me?"
Xena's frown deepened, not daring to look up at her friend: "It's easier to fix things while they're still alive."
Gabrielle's taunting was cut short when she realized Xena was speaking from experience. She dropped to one knee, and rested her hand over Xena's back. "Your family ...?"
"They're all dead ... So, I DO know, Gabrielle."
Instead of questioning Xena about the details, Gabrielle instinctively got to her knees beside Xena, and held her. It was an instinct so basic that Gabrielle didn't doubt her tender approach. She put her arms around Xena's shoulders, pulling the larger warrior close to comfort racing thoughts. "I'm here," Gabrielle whispered, holding her. "You're okay."
Xena had never felt so comforted. Through those simple words and Gabrielle's tight embrace, Xena allowed herself to feel the sadness she often buried away.
Eventually, as the fire flickered down, Xena pulled herself up to sit again. She looked over to Gabrielle who was her support in every sense. That a woman so petite could support her so fully amused Xena. A subtle smile found its way behind her eyes.
Gabrielle easily caught it, returning the sentiment with her own parts of enthusiasm: "And what is that for?"
"You're just different, that's all."
"Than who?"
Everyone.
With all Xena couldn't say aloud, she sighed and smiled fully with a shrug of her shoulders. "I don't know, Gabrielle ..."
They each sat upright, turned to each other in the dark, cold evening's air.
"I'm sorry I took off," Gabrielle said, watching the rise and fall of Xena's lashes as eyes roamed around the comfortable site they had found. "Xena?"
"I'll never be able to compete with Ephiny ... She was your greatest ally and now all you've got is me."
Gabrielle felt the statement weigh heavily on her chest. She hated that she had thrown Ephiny's words at Xena, but it was something that had been on her mind. "I'm sorry about that too ... you're both very different ... well, were ... are ..."
"I don't know what happened with Ephiny's parents, but Gabrielle - I won't ever let this go. I don't know who your parents are, but if you don't make it right ... before you know it, they'll pass ... and you'll be left with an empty piece of your heart."
It felt as if they were moving closer, but neither moved an inch. Gabrielle laid back and gazed up at the speckled sky. "Sometimes ... I feel like that's all I have."
"An empty heart?" Xena asked, curiously leaning on one elbow as she adjusted her hips to lay on her side. The black hair draped over her arm, and her bangs tickled her eyes.
"Yeah ... I feel old."
Xena was taken aback with the open honesty accompanied by what looked to be raw emotion. Gabrielle was vulnerable there before her - lips relaxed instead of their usual, tight state.
"Gabrielle ... if I came with you ... would you visit them again?"
A heavy sigh dragged its way through the air. "Xena ... I don't feel like they want me ... some nights, I wish I had never breathed at all."
"This world is a better place with you in it, Gabrielle."
Sharp eyes cut to Xena who remained confidently in place. Her pose and her tone told Gabrielle she was interested in her past. Her eyes were so gentle in their approach that they softened Gabrielle's haunted gaze.
"I was supposed to be married off. Did I ever tell you that?"
It was obvious she never had, but Xena just shook her head. Gabrielle had always had a knack for storytelling.
Gabrielle was staring up at the sky as she spoke: "Perdicus ... he was a nice boy, but I didn't want to be with him."
Xena wanted to lie on her stomach for comfort, but she kept very still so as not to scare Gabrielle's openness away.
"I had always known I liked girls," Gabrielle said, letting her thoughts out with each comment to the dark warrior off to her side. "I always knew that ... did you always know that?"
Xena smiled: "I always was a little curious ... but I wasn't with a woman until I was a woman myself. How about you?"
"I knew I didn't want to be with any boys since I was a little girl," Gabrielle smiled at last, certainly thinking to some embarrassing story from her childhood that she didn't choose to share. "I always knew it ... I even told my parents, but they told me I was wrong, and that things would change. I needed to marry. I needed to marry and have a child. That was what they told me."
Xena had been brought up in the same way. She understood.
"There was this one girl ..." Gabrielle grinned shamefully. She brought her arm up to cover her lips. "She was ..."
"What was her name?" Xena asked lovingly, admiring Gabrielle's younger interests.
"Oh what was it? ... Elga." For a long moment, Gabrielle let those feelings of first love flow through her, blessing her with a radiant glow that simmered and faded as they laid out in the open night air. "Gods, you must think I'm so foolish."
"Not at all." Xena was fascinated.
Gabrielle rolled her head toward Xena, and then back up at the sky. "Well ... I loved her."
"I can see that," Xena agreed with a tender affection she couldn't disguise.
Gabrielle was too lost in the memories of her past to notice.
"I loved her, but no matter what I said, I couldn't be with her. I had to be quiet about any of my feelings for women, but when I was promised to Perdicus, I couldn't be quiet any longer ... I told my mother that I would never marry a man, and she told my father who sped up the arrangements to teach me to speak my mind, I'm sure."
Xena cringed, but listened silently as Gabrielle continued.
"It was such hell - imagining a life with a man. I didn't want to be with a man. It would have been like forcing my father to marry another man - he wasn't interested in men. It just ... it was Tartarus. I thought about what I could do, and there only seemed to be one thing I could do. Run."
"And you did?"
"I snuck out, but I was spotted by others who knew my situation, as we were a small village ... and thank the gods I had trained myself to run, or I wouldn't be here today to tell you all this ..."
"What do you mean?"
Gabrielle smiled at Xena's child-like curiosities. She smiled, she frowned, and she spoke to the icy blue eyes connecting with hers.
"I was worried I might be seen, and even after I was, I wasted no time. I held the front of my dress clutched in my hands, and I ran. Others saw me, called out to more, and before I knew it, there were some of the young men chasing behind me. I knew they would hurt me - kill me probably - if they caught me. I was running for my life with one foot planted in front of the other, even among all the tall grass. One trip, and I would be beaten. One misstep and I would be as good as dead. My heart was pounding in my ears ... that sound that reminds you you're still alive - barely so."
Xena held her breath as she listened with rapt fascination, imagining a much younger Gabrielle with long hair and a long dress - flying through a grassy field as the wind whipped through her hair. The vision appeared to Xena in a slower motion than would be humanly possible - her mind slowing the image so she could take in the dramatic effect of the situation. She thought of the vision and the meaning of the story as Gabrielle went on.
"I ran and ran, and eventually we reached the forest just beyond the fields. They were calling out to me, but they couldn't catch me. They chased me with a taunting confidence, but I knew those woods. After helping my mother with the chores, I would slip off to the woods to learn them - to run through them - and it paid off when they chased me right into the thick of the woods."
"Gods - were you hurt?"
"I was scratched, but it was nothing compared to what might have happened to me if I was caught ... I ran like I had never run before. I knew exactly where I was running, and I had memorized parts of those trees ... I ran and ran even after most of the boys had slowed. I kept on going even with pieces of my dress torn and my face all scratched up on the left. I guess I shielded my right, but forgot about the left ... I wasn't thinking. The only thing that was on my mind was to escape. I just wanted to get away."
"And you did ...?" Xena ventured, uncomfortable imagining what might have happened to Gabrielle had they caught up with her.
"Well, some of the boys knew those woods, too ... but for the most part, I was safe. There was one very scary thing I did, though."
"What was it?!" Xena whispered, on her stomach just an arm's length away from her companion. She was so intrigued with the story Gabrielle turned onto her side to watch the many expressive reactions staring back at her.
"I jumped off the riverbank."
"WHAT?!" Xena squealed, covering her mouth when she realized the uncharacteristic noise. "I mean ... Gabrielle! ... You can't swim!"
"Exactly," Gabrielle grinned, for once enjoying pieces of her story through another's eyes. It made her feel brave and fearless when all she had felt at the time was fear and shame. "I couldn't swim, but I also knew those boys couldn't swim."
"Well what in Tartarus happened?" Xena scoffed, shoving Gabrielle's shoulder when all that met her question was a knowing smile. "Gabrielle! What happened?"
"I leapt in, and I just nearly drowned."
"Do I have to ask? Come on - how? How didn't you drown in some big dress with the current pulling you under?"
"I frantically tried clawing my way to the surface of the water as it pulled me along - it was the worst experience of my life. It ripped me across rocks and logs that were too small to hold onto. I'm sure the boys were laughing to themselves, thinking I would die for sure, but when I finally hit onto a boulder, and managed to hold on for dear life - no one was around. I had floated away from sight."
Xena let out a very large and very exhausted sigh.
"Yeah ... I was glad, too. I coughed up the water, vomited, and nearly froze. If it weren't for the sun warming my hands, I don't know that I could have held on for as long as I did."
"Did you swim to shore?"
"No ... a very nice man and his son found me. They terrified me at first, but then I could see this sort of kindness in their eyes, and my body gave in. The older man - the father - expertly managed the current from just up the river, and tied a long rope around the boulder. His teenaged son had it hitched to their wagon as he steadied it himself, and the father helped me across the rope to the shore."
"Gods - they saved your life! ... Gabrielle, I wish I had been there."
"I was such a mess, Xena ... I was shivering, terrified, and bleeding all over the place ... The father saw that I was going blue, and ripped the corset off of me to help remove the thick material of the outer dress only to cover me with a coat from his wagon. The way he covered me and ran his hands over my arms ... I cried like a baby, Xena ..."
Xena watched as Gabrielle's eyes filled with tears at the memory, and she slid over to try holding a woman who didn't want to be comforted just then.
"Not yet ... just ... I want to finish."
"So what happened? They brought you back with them?"
"No ... but gods, that man was like the father I never had. He didn't seem concerned with why anyone had chased me off like they did. He only cared that I was suffering ... it was the most beautiful thing I could have imagined."
"Gabrielle, I'm so sorry ..."
"When the color was finally coming back to me, they offered to bring me back with them, but I graciously declined. I told them I was going to find a friend, even though that was a lie. I just wanted to find my own way ... I knew I needed to be on my own."
"Weren't you scared?"
"Terrified. But after all I had been through ... I needed to. And when I stumbled across Amazons, I felt so comfortable that I begged to go with them."
"Gods, Gabrielle ... that's ... quite a story."
"I know. When you talk about my parents, Xena ... who thinks so little of their child? I just can't imagine what I might ever say to them."
"But you care what happens to them. You did everything you could to save your father from the unforgiving sea."
"Sometimes actions are meaningless."
"And sometimes it's all we have."
Xena and Gabrielle locked eyes, and then quite unpredictably, Gabrielle rolled closer to tuck herself into Xena's arms. She cuddled so close that Xena wasn't sure which action to take herself.
"I'm glad I could share that with you, Xena ..." There was uncertainty in her voice along with the comfort and release of sharing a troubled past.
"Me too, Gabrielle."
"And ... maybe soon you'll share what Ares means to you?"
Xena's slanted smirk touched the top of Gabrielle's head. "Whatever you wish, Gabrielle."
The night seemed calm and easy as Gabrielle rested her face on the leather covering Xena's breast. The two had never been so intimately close, but in that moment it was comforting above all else. Gabrielle was able to close her eyes at the feel of Xena's arm over her back, releasing the tension of her tale to the piqued interest of another. No matter what she shared with Xena, she had support. No matter where she had faltered, Xena showed care and affection. Gabrielle closed her eyes to the realization that she felt the same way for Xena in return.