THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF

Chapter 10 — TOBIAS

"What do you plan to do with the rest of the day off?" Zeke asked as he fell into stride alongside him.

Tobias shrugged back casually, "Maybe spend some time with Tris. I don't know. There's a writing convention in town for this week only and I was thinking about taking her out there. I know she likes writing, though she never tells me what she writes about. She says its personal and I never press her on it, but this is such a great opportunity to meet local writers and I think this will be good for her. "

He could feel Zeke smirking at him, "Dude, you are so whipped." He said with smug laughter. "So it's a date…?" Zeke suggested with a small playful nudge.

Tobias rolled his eyes at him. "Possibly, but it's not like I'm going to tell you even if it was." He said stubbornly, "Besides, I don't think it's any of your business."

Zeke snorted. "Anything that happens around here is my business—well, at least I make it my business. There's so little to do around here so this is just about the only form of entertainment I have. I expect a full debrief tomorrow morning." He said with a wink.

"Ugh!" Tobias groaned, "You're starting to sound like a girl! And no way in hell dude… There is no way I am going to tell you about me and Tris," He shuddered, "That's just weird."

Zeke opened his mouth to object but someone beat him to the punch. A voice interjected itself into their conversation and Tobias froze up.

"What about Tris?" Shit. It was Caleb, Tris' brother.

Tobias slowed his pace immediately, and turned his attention to Caleb, letting Zeke continue to hum softly to himself. Caleb jogged to catch up to them, his windblown hair clinging to his forehead from the sweat. Tobias gulped, taking the time to run his tongue over his lips as he racked his brain for an answer.

"He's taking Tris on a dat—" Tobias had to elbow Zeke in the guts to stop him from talking. "Hey!" He began to protest, "Why did you hit me… Oh fuck—" Zeke had turned around, and had obviously realized his mistake because his eyes widened and he immediately shut his mouth. Tobias wanted to scream internally and he gave Zeke a stern look to warn him to remain silent but it was already too late, Caleb had caught on.

Caleb's eyebrows knotted together as he watched Tobias and Zeke. "On a what?"

Tobias racked his brain for something to say. He couldn't exactly say: Oh nothing much. Just taking your sister out for a date… and by the way, I slept with her the other night. Just thought you'd know. He would surely get a punch if not a pummeling. He shuddered, would her parents react the same way? Tris was twenty-two and her own person. So surely her parents would not have much to say in the matter… right? Zeke cleared his throat and that snapped Tobias back into reality.

"She said she needed to run into town to grab some stuff so I offered to drive her." Tobias blurted out quickly, trying to smooth over his voice but he was sure it wasn't very convincing.

Caleb squinted at the two of them, eyes darting back and forth. Although Tobias was clearly physically bigger and stronger, there was no denying how much anger and rage can do to a person. Tobias gulped uncomfortably, feeling small beneath Caleb's stare. He seemed to open his mouth to say something but shut it close immediately. It didn't seem like he was very convinced by the lie, and it wasn't the best excuse from Tobias but he had been pressed for time. As if too tired to argue, he gave a firm nod and walked off in the opposite direction.

Tobias let out a massive sigh of relief and spoke once Caleb was far enough not to overhear, "That was a close one."

Beside him, Zeke let out his own sharp breath, "Tell me about it. I'm sorry dude, I didn't mean to—I should've just shut my mouth… I didn't realize—"

Tobias interrupted him with a headshake, "No it's fine. I should've known better to watch my mouth around here. I mean you're just about the only one I can trust here with this secret." He dragged his fingers through his knotted hair and tipped his head backwards, "I want to tell them… her parents, I mean. I just don't know how they'll react… Would I get kicked out? I can't afford to be jobless." He groaned and kicked a nearby stone, "I feel so bad because they invited me into their home, and practically welcomed me into their family and now I just feel like I'm taking advantage of them—but I'm not," he added hastily, for fear of what Zeke might conclude from that, "I'm honestly head over heels for her. I just—I don't want them to think badly of me." He muttered a little softer.

He felt Zeke's demeanor change, and the air grew gentle around them. "They won't. I've seen how they treat you, and they love you! Natalie especially. Just look at how much she's warmed to you over the past week. Heck, she was the one who offered you the job and a place to stay in their house… Look, during the years I've been working here, she hasn't done that for anyone. Tobias, you've got two Prior women wrapped around your finger."

"I wouldn't go that far. Actually, I think I've got none. I think they are the ones that have me at their beck and call." He let out an exasperated sigh, "As for Natalie, I'm sure she just felt sorry for me. I'm new to town, and obviously the only place to stay is at the inn, and we both know that place is ratty." He shuddered from the picture in his memory, "There's nothing more to it."

Zeke let out a small laugh, "You sure are blind. You have eyes but you cannot see. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how you can walk around so oblivious to the world. Natalie loves you like family, regardless of whether Tris is in the picture or not, and I've seen the way Andrew is with you. He goes on about you ever day, and let me tell you now, he doesn't ever stop talking about how good you are, and how much difference you've made around here. It's true, but sometimes listening to that for twelve hours per day can be a little exhausting." Zeke pretended to be faintish. "Caleb will probably be the one who you have to watch for. He's protective of his little sister, but when you show him, and them, how much you care for Tris, he'll be fine too. They already love you like family, Tobias. You have nothing to worry about. Although I do have to warn you, if you plan on staying with Tris, I wouldn't recommend keeping it a secret for long, secrets have an awful way of coming out around here. And the last thing you need is for them to hear it from someone other than you."

Tobias nodded to Zeke's words. They rung true in his ears and he knew he would have to spill sooner or later but he was afraid—he was afraid of the rejection. He knew though, if he was serious with Tris—and he was—then he would have to tell them sooner or later.

It was Tobias' turn to let out a chuckle of his own, "You know, I've never had a brother but I feel like you're starting to become one… become my brother that is. It's strange for me to have these sorts of conversations but I like it… I like that you can be honest and straight with me. So thank you, Zeke. Thank you for everything, but most of all, thank you for being family."

…

They had just arrived back at the house a few minutes ago, and were currently sitting in the truck, letting comfortable silence wash over them. He had known she was still fidgety from earlier, having met a lot of people, but he also knew that her nervousness was soon replaced by excitement as soon as she began to talk. He could see her anxiety slipping away and she fell into ease, floating around effortlessly as she chatted with the other writers. He loved watching her interact with other people. She was a wonder to watch. He noticed the way her excitement bubbled beneath her skin; the way her eyes lighted up like a beam and the way her lips would not stop tilting into a smile.

He found himself not being able to wipe the wide smile from his mouth that afternoon, as he trailed behind her like a lovesick puppy dog. He stood there silently, giving Tris a nudge or a squeeze, while listening to her talk. Her voice was laced with amazement, and she would often return his squeeze of the hand with one of his own when she got a little too carried away.

Tobias found that he was happy, content with doing nothing but watching her, by just being beside her, knowing that he was the one who had brought so much joy to her. He was humming along most of the day, letting Tris drag him left and right. He didn't miss the skip in her step when she bounced around the hall, chatting to every single author. Once she had warmed up to one, she couldn't stop talking—not that he wanted her to. He felt happiness like he had never before, not since his mother, but that was years ago and another story for another time. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to be actually happy, not needing to fake a smile before it became real. It had been so long since he had last smiled so much, and he owed it to the girl that was beside him for the rest of the day—and that alone made his heart jump a few beats.

Thinking about it left a hint of a smile on his own lips. Tobias turned to look at her, taking in the way her eyes still glowed with happiness. He liked seeing her like this, carefree and happy.

"Thank you for taking me today." She said quickly, her excitement still not dimming. Not that he minded.

"It's my pleasure." He gave her a warm smile, and leant over to grab her hand. "I can see that you had a great time today."

The smile on her face grew. "Oh, I did! I loved it so much today. It was," she puckered her lips, thinking probably, "it was magical." A drowsy smile spread across her face. "I can't believe you brought me to that… I didn't even know they even had that sort of stuff in town. Where did you learn about it?"

He shrugged his shoulders casually. "There was a flyer floating around town when I last went it, and I nabbed one, thinking it would be a good idea."

She placed a quick peck on his cheek. "It was." Her cheeks turned a crimson colour. A brief shadow of a frown crossed her face, "Oh god! I didn't even think about you… I was so excited that I got a little carried away… I'm so sorry I dragged you around everywhere. I should've asked you—"

Tobias simply shook his head, "Today was not about me. Besides, I didn't mind one bit. Seeing you happy is reward enough." He didn't miss her cheeks flushing a deeper red. "I took you there because I knew how much you loved writing, and I knew that you would love it. Did you know some of the authors even have their own books published?" He paused, and she shook her head, "Well, that's another surprise." He chuckled.

"I took you out there because I thought listening to them and their own experiences would inspire you to write—and even to publish a book of your own. I know you told me you only write for yourself, that it's personal, but I thought maybe if I showed you how some of them began to write as a career, you'd be more open to it. Tris, I've seen some of your work," he didn't miss her wince, "and you're brilliant. The way you write, it's breathtaking. It's mesmerizing. I wanted to show you that a little faith in yourself would take you a long way. And also, I thought it would be a good way for you to rediscover the parts of you that you thought you had lost. Being around people with similar interests and hobbies could only remind you that you love writing, and now you won't ever lose that again."

He watched her closely, waiting for a response. Her eyes flickered between his own and her lap where her fingers toyed with the hem of her dress.

A tiny smile painted her face. "Oh, Tobias… Thank you for doing that for me."

"I promised you a summer of self discovery. Remember?" He injected a little humor to lighten the mood, and it worked. Tris' laughter rung through the car, and it left tingles fluttering through his body.

"That you did." She agreed as she closed in on the gap between them.

Her lips touched his gently, and he had to hold back a moan. He had almost forgotten how heavenly it felt to kiss her. Her mouth was as sweet as daisies and her scent alone was enough to drive him mad. He leaned back, pulling her across his lap, and he kissed her with all the passion and emotion that he had built up inside from the moment he first saw her. Each kiss, no matter how many they had stolen, felt just like the first one. He felt her fingers knot into the hair at the base of his neck as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. She clawed her fingers deeper into his skin as their tongues danced. When he felt blood rushing to places he would rather not think about right now, he knew, he would have to stop this soon. Slowly he pulled away, gasping for air.

"Can you be completely honest with me?" Tris whispered once she had caught her breath. He could feel her hot breath on his neck, and he had to pull every control not to kiss her into oblivion once more.

He nodded.

She looked up at him hesitantly and her eyes met his. There was something hopeful about them, but there was also something darker inside, something more reserved, careful, distant.

"Do you regret that night?" He winced at the question. "I know you said you didn't but you've never brought it up since. Are you having second thoughts about it?" He didn't miss how quiet her voice had gone.

He sighed as he turned to face her. "No, I don't regret it. I would never regret anything with you. It's just… I don't like talking about it because I hate thinking about how I took you when you were upset. I'm angry with myself because I got carried away—heck, I got a lot carried away. I'm just—," with a groan, he pulled his fingers through his hair, "I'm angry at myself because I couldn't control myself. I was supposed to be to protect you, not to take advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

She shook her head firmly, "You didn't take advantage of me though."

He took in her expression before continuing, "There's something about you that just ignites me. This fire consumes me like nothing I've ever felt before and the ache… it itches beneath my skin. I think I just let my guard down for a second, and next thing I know, I'm waking up beside you."

Her eyebrows knitted and he could see her thoughts ticking. "So… you don't regret it?"

He shook his head. "No. Of course not. But I should've known better… I should've stopped it. I didn't. And do you know why?" He paused but he didn't wait for her reply, "Because when I saw you there, so lost and scared, something inside me just snapped, and when you told me no one would ever love you, I just had to show you that it wasn't true. I needed to convince you that you were beautiful and capable of being wanted, so when you said you wanted it, I didn't think it through. I didn't think that maybe you were just saying it because you got caught up in the moment… I didn't think." He pulled away slightly from her, needing to put some distance between their closing bodies.

Except she didn't budge when he tried to shy away. "I wanted it, Tobias. I wasn't caught up in the minute. I knew full well what I was thinking and what I was saying, and when I told you that I wanted you, I meant it with my whole heart. In that moment, I wanted you, Tobias. I didn't care about anything else… I just wanted you." She admitted softly with a sigh.

He let their bodies touch once more, pulling her chin into the cup of his palms, as he looked her gently in the eye. "You're a mystery, Tris Prior. You're so beautiful, it actually kills me. You're in my dreams every night, like an angel that had fallen from the sky. I tried it the other way—I had tried to treat you like any other girl, and forget you, but I can't. I can't because you're not like those girls. Everyday I'm with you, every moment I spend with you, I fall further into you. Your essence, your being, your soul, it captivates me. I think—I think I love you." He said softly.

A tear rolled down her cheek and his whole body froze. What if he had said too much? He pushed down the ugly thought. "What's wrong?" He whispered softly, not wanting her to answer.

He saw her swallow thickly. "I'm scared, Tobias… I'm not used to being loved. Yes, I was loved by my parents but not by anyone else. I've never felt this way before… I feel like I'm so vulnerable. Each time you look at me, it's like you're seeing me completely naked, and every kiss, I come further undone. And the thought of you seeing all my insecurities and all my hidden secrets terrifies me."

"I've never really been loved either, so all this," he gestured at themselves, "is all foreign to me. But we can figure that out… together. We can learn to love each other." He whispered into her ear.

She gave a small laugh. "I like the sound of that."

He leant down and kissed her, chuckling into her lips. When he felt tingles rushing down his body yet again, he knew it was time to pull away… again. He instantly missed her touch, and when he caught the fleeting sadness on her face, he knew she did too. He had to remind himself that now was not the time or the place to do all the things he wanted to do to her. He had to control himself… or he would lose control… again. He gently released her and placed her back onto her seat, reaching over to buckle her into the seat before doing his own.

She giggled at his act. "Where are we going now?" She asked. "It's like the middle of the night!" She exclaimed, as he pulled back out of the driveway.

He shook his head, laughing. "You're overreacting. It's barely ten o'clock. Besides, the night is still young, and I promised you a summer of adventure. I guess, you'll just have to wait and see." He said simply and he had this strange feeling that he would be saying that a lot this summer.

He turned to catch one last glance of her before the lights from the house faded into the background, and he would no longer be able to see her face light up. "By the way, did you know I ran into your brother today?"

"Oh?" Tris raised an eyebrow "What did he say?"

Tobias chuckled as he traced his fingers along the steering wheel. "It's a funny story actually. I was talking to Zeke about you on the way back to the house and your brother just happened to overhear. Long story short, I had to tell him I was driving you into town to grab some stuff. So if he asks, that's how we spent the afternoon. Okay?"

Tris let out a laugh. "Of course." Just as the last light began to dim, he caught a smirk on her face and a twinkle in her eye. "Tell me Tobias, what were you doing talking about me?"

A/N: Apparently FFNET stuffed up on me (… like I should be surprised) but fingers crossed it works this time!As always, I hope you liked this chapter and leave me your thoughts down below. See you in the next update :)