Authors Note: Here come the ships! Sorry it's late, I blame illnesses, comicon, and shitty interweb connection. I also regret that shitty last chapter. Sorry about that.
Chapter ten: of pranks, the nile, and even more spies.
Okay, something weird is going on here. Something really, really weird. Everyone is acting strange now! Well not really everyone. It's actually just Dave and Cassidy. See, Dave's been spacing out a lot and when you ask about it he just grunts or says that "You should stay outta this Egbert." but that doesn't tell you anything! And then there's Cassidy. She doesn't hang out with you nearly as much anymore and won't even let you come see her in her new house! She's also been speaking in fish puns for some reason. Come to think of it, it's like Rose is acting strange too. Well, stranger than usual. She's being even more secretive, and she just starts laughing for no reason at all! She's also been disappearing a lot too. Where's she going? It seems like your friends don't even care about you anymore! But your probably just over reacting to it. Oh, but where are your manners. You haven't even introduced yourself yet!
Your name is John Egbert and you are currently on duty. You are part of FARA, or Foreign Affairs Response Agency, even if you're still in training. Your partner Dave Strider is also in training and is patrolling the troll side of your territory while you patrol the human side. Can't let any crazy trolls get through and start killing people. In other news you are the youngest of your group of friends and just turned seventeen not too long ago. You are also completely heterosexual and have never had any wet dreams about your best bro Dave. Your preferred weapon is your hammer. You have black hair and need glasses. You've been described as a derp. And... um... Your name is John Egbert and that's really all there is to know about you.
Now what were you doing? Oh right! Finding out what Cassidy is up to! You figured that since she never invites you over anymore you'd give her a surprise visit. But since you're working you can't do that right now, so you're just going to scope out the place for prime pranking spots. You brought a few buckets along just for that reason. You hope she's not home right now. It's still morning-ish so she really shouldn't be home, but if she is then you'll add it to her recent weirdness. Maybe you'll talk to Rose about all this later. Okay, it doesn't look like there's anyone in the house so the coast is clear. Now just walk casually over to the house, no pranking going on here, and open the window and then crawl in and you're in.
"Hehehe, no one can out sneak John Egbert." You say aloud. You have a bad habit of talking to yourself. But it's not like you do it when there are other people around! That would be just plain creepy.
You look around and see that you're in the livingroom. You could have just walked through the door. But you didn't because you are a super sneaky prank master and went through the window instead. You stealthily sneak over to the bedrooms and only hit something with the buckets twice. You try to open one door but find out that it's locked, so you move onto the next one. You open the other door and see that it leads to your goal, Cassidy's bedroom. Which is not creepy at all because you're pranking her.
After successfully setting up many amazing pranks you decide to go back to the door that was locked. There's probably something amazing in there! And she must have locked it to keep everyone away from it. Or maybe it's so dangerous that she's locked the door to keep it away from everyone! No that's pretty stupid. Cassidy wouldn't have something so blood thirsty in the first place. You stroll through the house one more time to make sure all your pranks are in place and accidentally spring a few you forgot about, but also to get your curiosity back under your control. By the time you come back to the locked door you have only done one of those things. You have got to know what behind that door. You go outside and to where you think the locked room is. Yes, there's a window there! Double yes, it's not locked! You go in the window, because that's what cool stealthy guys do and that's what you are: cool as winter and stealthy as... as... um, something really really stealthy!
You drop to the floor and roll on the ground only partially because you fell. You get up and take stock of the room only to find that you can't see anything. It's so dark in here. Wait, is it because there's a killer creature in here that'll wake up if it sees light? No, you already said that Cassidy wouldn't keep something like that. You open the curtains, but only a little bit just in case. Curtains. Dresser. Recouprecoon. Vanity. Doesn't look all that interesting. Really it just looks like-wait recouprecoon? You look at it again just to make sure that you aren't seeing things or dreaming. You touch it. You look inside it. Shit there's a troll in there!
You get out of there as fast as you can and you swear you were flying out the window. Shit shit shit shit shit! Okay, you have to calm down. Dave. He'll know what to do! Dave, Dave, gotta find Dave. You run around crazy-like for a bit before you realize that Dave's on the other side right now. You head there and fail to spot a certain cerulean troll sneaking around. You continue cussing in your mind because this is a big deal! Cassidy has a troll living in the same house as her! Wait... Holy shit Cassidy is willingly living with a troll! Gotta find Dave, gotta find Dave, gotta gotta gotta gotta, shit! You trip on a tree root you didn't see. Well hey, it's not your fault that the troll world is so dark all the time! Now back to finding your best bro, except more carefully this time. You check out every place you think he could be but he's just not there! You start aimlessly searching for him until you hear someone grunt near by.
You walk in the direction the noise came from to see if anyone needs help. It's Dave! But he's pinned against a tree with some type of blue and red stuff around him! Then that Sollux troll walks up to him and gives a sadistic grin. Your friend is in danger, and you will help him! You're about to charge at him with your fists swinging, because you forgot your hammer. You stop and stare at them once they start... kissing? Yeah, they're kissing alright. You think you saw some tongue in there. You duck down behind the small wall of plant life and hope that they didn't see you. God your face feels like it's on fire... out of embarrassment! Okay you are getting out of there right now!
You sprint back to the side your supposed to be on and try to forget what you saw. You slump against a tree once you're too tired to continue. Okay, so, Dave's gay. And was just making out with Sollux. A troll. Dave was making out with a troll. We're not supposed to do that. It's one of the set-in-stone punishable-by-death type rules. And Dave broke it. And you saw him. You could turn him in. You should turn him in. He broke one of the biggest rules there are, he went against everything you two've worked for, he broke your hea- No! You are not gay! And you are not crushing on your best bro! There is absolutely no way that's true. The pain in your chest must be something else. And you're crying because he betrayed FARA and by extension you. You should turn him. What he's done is wrong! You should turn him in... but you know you won't. You don't think you could live with yourself if you did that.
Some time later, whether it's been minutes or hours you can't tell, all the tears are gone and you just feel numb. You stand. You should get back to patrolling. Make sure that no trolls are here. You hope you don't see Dave for the rest of the day. You don't know what would happen but you know it would hurt. He betrayed you... and all his other teammates, and the entire organization! You don't even remember why you wanted to see him in the first place. To tell him something? To warn him? Doesn't matter anymore. It'll probably just fix itself. You find a troll on your side. It's that one... Vriska, that's it. She sees you. She's not attacking, so she must know at least something about humans.
"Excuse me ma'am, I suggest you go back home now. Before something bad happens." you say.
"Woah hostile, much? I just came for a visit, blue boy." she says. Gosh she's rude.
"Doesn't matter you still need to go." you say, all business.
"Why? What happened? Does mr. Butthurt need a bandage?" She says with a wink.
"It's my job. I'm one of the ones that keep our worlds separate. And keep you alive." You say.
"Well too bad. I'm not leaving. Unless you want to tell me what's on your mind...?" She asks. Why does she want to know? She must be a meddler.
"So you're saying that if I tell you what I'm thinking you'll leave without a fight?" You say. Well you've had worse jobs.
"Why yes, I am." She says. A meddling meddler.
"Who am I to turn down an easy job? Alright, right now I'm upset because my long-time partner just pretty much turned his back on everything we were working for and endangering us all. And now you leave." You say. Yeah that's it. Not because he left a gaping hole in your chest. But it's that other thing, because you really aren't gay.
"Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, how hilarious! There were eight laughs, by the way. Just for you and your misfortune! Fine. I'll leave. Bye Mr. Butthurt." She says and walks away, still laughing at you.
"The name's John Egbert!" You yell after her. She's so mean! ... But then again, you do feel a tiny bit better for telling her. Isn't she the telepathic one you were warned about? Maybe she knew and was trying to help you, in her own weird way. Okay, you guess she's not that bad. If what you think is true. You should go talk to Rose about... everything. Yeah that'll help.
You follow her to the portal just to make sure she did go back. Once she's gone you go back to patrolling and nothing much happens. You walk. You hide. You investigate noises. You pretty much dink around and try not to think about Dave for a while. Then it's sundown. About the time the two of you are supposed to switch with Dirk and Roxy and go dink around like normal kids do. But that means you'll have to see Dave. You don't think you can face him quite yet. So you stay out for... a while. After sundown you're still out wandering, when you hear a noise. Your night vision isn't very good so you go slowly until you barely see something in the shadows. Another troll. This one's smaller than Vriska. He's about at tall as you. He notices you and immediately scowls. You should have brought your hammer.
"Excuse me, what are you doing out here?" You ask as non-aggressively as you can.
"I could ask you the same, wriggler. But since you asked I might as well tell you. I'm fucking living here you ass-flipping meat head." He says. Wow, his voice sounds bad. Like he's been doing a lot of yelling lately and now his voice is all messed up.
"Wait, you live here?" You ask. You didn't think that this was even allowed.
"Yes. Some human nook-licker put my life on the line back where shit actually makes sense and now it's either live in the backward world said nook-licker brought me to or die. So far I am seriously considering death at the hands of my moirail. Which is exactly what I'll get if I try to go back there!" He says.
"Wow. That's really sad. Well I guess since you're living here already I can't just kick you off to your death. Just, uh, try not to let anyone see you, or else I will have to kick you out." You say. Poor guy, it sounds like he's been through a lot.
"Fuck no. You are not pitying me. I am not being pitied by a fucking human." He says, almost spitting his words at you. Why is he so upset about it? It's not like you're doing anything wrong. Isn't pity like a really good thing to trolls? ... Oh shit!
"No no no no no! Not like that! I just don't want to cause you any extra stress is all." You say.
"Right." He says and he just doesn't believe you. "Now what the fuck do you mean kick me out? You don't look like you could rule a pile of dirt so how the hell can you rule a world?" Why does he keep insulting you?
"I don't rule this world. I'm just part of an organization that keeps our two worlds inhabitants separate so Her Condesce doesn't try to conquer our world and kill us all. Well, we're supposed to but some people prefer to suck troll face rather than do our job." You say with your voice getting bitter at the end.
"Red or black?" He says.
"What...?" You say. Aren't those part of their weird romance system or something? Why would he be asking about that?
"Look, I am the master of the quadrants, and it couldn't be more obvious that you have a crush on who ever you were talking about if you had scribbled it all over your fucking face. So is your relationship with them red or black? Unless you're a moron and don't want amazing advice from me." He says.
"I... Yeah I could use some advice. I'm not to sure about your romance system. But I think it's red. See, I've felt like this for a really long time now but never told anyone. And now, well, there's someone else. That's pretty much all there is to it." You say.
You already decided to tell someone, and he wanted to know. Also it's not like he's going to tell anyone you know. Right? Right. And... okay, maybe you are the tiniest bit gay. But only a little! You obviously aren't going to fall for any other guys. It was only Dave, and Dave alone. No one else! He'll be the only guy you ever fall for.
"Well that sucks almost as much as my shitty situation does. Who ever the fuck this person is they sound like a massive nook-chaffing shit-bag not to have noticed this kind of shit. Unless they did notice. If that's the case then they get the title bulge-whiffing bucket-licker instead. In any case this person doesn't seem fit to have wriggler piss as a matesprit. So get over them and move on or you're going to end up pissing off all your other friends. Assuming you have any that is." He says. You end up giggling at the weird names he calls Dave and even if he did insult you at least he wasn't insensitive about it.
"Thanks, I needed to hear that. Anyway, I hope living here isn't actually as horrible as you make it seem and that things get better for you! Oh wait, I don't even know your name! I'm John Egbert, it's a pleasure to meet you." You say and stick your hand out for him to shake. Wait, do trolls shake hands?
"... Karkat Vantas." He says shaking it. You guess they do. Hey you were right!
"I hope we meet again Karkat!" You say and walk off.
You don't think you'll be seeing anymore trolls tonight. But that's okay! It gives you time to think about your new friend! Karkat, he's mean but he means well. He's not like Vriska, who's mean and leaves you wondering about her motives. And he's strong! Like, emotionally. It sounds like he's been through a lot, but he's still trying. And he has piano hands. You wonder if he knows how to play. Probably not, the few times you've actually looked at their world you noticed a disturbing lack of musical instruments. Maybe you can teach him! Yeah that's a great idea, you'll get to spend more time with a new friend and teach him something new! Maybe he can teach you some new things too! You wonder when you'll see him next. He said he lived here. But where exactly is "here"? The only place that you think no one would notice a new person is in that circle of houses you saw before. The same one you saw that other troll in. Maybe they're living here too! You suppose you were a bit hasty in thinking they were dangerous. Hey if Karkat lives there then maybe you can go visit him!
When you get back to the village the moons already gone down. You decide that you can postpone your talk with Rose until tomorrow. After all, even someone like Rose needs her sleep. As you fall asleep, you realize that you aren't afraid to face Dave anymore. As you wake up, you realize you were dreaming about Karkat and Vriska. You realize that you really, really need to talk to Rose today.
Why is everything so dramatic lately?