Thursday 24th March
Uhh man, I feel disgusting. Like I went on a 3 day binge or something. You know when you cry and then you get a headache and feel like shit? That's me right now. My body feels so heavy, like someone filled me with sand.
I slept at Zaraki's last night.
Oh, and as it happens, he's got a fucking 7 year old daughter with pink hair, who insists on calls him Kenny.
As soon as Zaraki picked her up from her child-minder on our way back from Las Noches, she tapped my shoulder and asked me if I could draw a pink SpongeBob on a skateboard, being pulled by a wolverine.
She's the fucking cutest little shit I've ever seen, and that's coming from someone who hates kids.
It was kind of scary waking up in a strange house this morning.
Zaraki let me sleep on a squishy sofa bed in a room that lead off the dining room. Yachiru called it the Snug. The decorating was all dark browns and reds and there was TV in the corner with an Xbox. When Zaraki said I could play on it, I had to hug him then. I had to. He looked pretty horrified.
I woke up at half 1 in the afternoon and the house was empty.
I felt awkward.
I was wearing my school clothes from yesterday and my head hurt. I wanted to shower, take some aspirin and sleep in a house that felt familiar.
But then I noticed a load of crudely written sticky notes around the house. Things like: 'Eat what you like, but even dream of touching the Jaffa cakes on the top shelf and I will kill you.' on the fridge. 'Put the toilet seat down (or Yachiru will fall in)' in the bathroom. 'Put your uniform in the washing machine, you dirty fucker' on a door into the utility room.
I even found some sweat pants and a shirt folded up on the table with a pink note from Yachiru: 'Wear these, Kitty! They shrunk in the wash because Kenny is stupid!' She had drawn a demented picture of Zaraki throwing a washing machine across the kitchen with beeped out swear words.
Underneath Zaraki had written in harsh black pen: 'Dramatisation. '
I felt like crying again.
I took a shower, got dressed into the clean clothes left for me, made myself an omelette and played CoD for three and a half hours.
I didn't do it because I thought 'I'm not going to miss a good opportunity to spoil myself', I did it because, not only did I want to feel at home here, but they wanted me to feel at home here too.
For some reason, that meant the entire world to me.
Zaraki and Yachiru got home at about 5 and she joined me in the snug. She surprised the shit out of me by picking up a controller and joining in; selecting a gun and making animated noises as she screeched about how she was totally kicking my stinky butt.
An hour or so later Zaraki called us to the kitchen for dinner and made me eat everything he put on my plate. I could hardly complain.
As he drove me home he told me my attendance at school was fucked. He told me to take tomorrow off as well but I should make up some bullshit about family problems or whatever. He said I should probably write a letter of apology to the head just to play it safe and suck up.
"Sort yourself out, but Monday morning come into school and be prepared to do some serious ass kissing."
When I got home I found mum sleeping her bed. I let out a sigh of relief. I rang her on the way back from Las Noches and told her I was staying with a friend. I'm not totally unreliable or stupid enough to just spend a night away from home and not tell my own mother where I am.
I was sort of worried about her but Zaraki insisted I stay over and I didn't want to explain everything to him. She can look after herself well enough for one night; she's not stupid, just a little unhinged. There is a difference. If there was a huge problem she would have rang me.
I paused.
Shit. My phone. I yanked it out of my pocket but it wouldn't turn on; dead battery.
I ran into my room and plugged it into my charger.
Suddenly hundreds of missed calls and messages flashed across the screen; I actually had a mother fucking heart attack.
What had happened?
But not a single one was from mum. They were all from Ichigo.
Where the fuck were you today? Was this about the kiss? Where do you live? Can I come over? We need to talk. I want to see you. Do you hate me? Do you regret it?
And 50 more all exactly the same.
Then suddenly my phone lit up, but it was on silent so it didn't buzz or make a noise. No wonder I didn't notice I had so many missed messages.
'Incoming call: Ichigo Kurosaki'
I accepted the call and pressed the receiver to my ear.
His voice filled my head with angry questions about where the fuck I've been for the past 24 hours and how come I didn't reply to his messages and how could I do that to him, he was so worried...
My eyes filled with tears. I'm such a pussy.
"Fuck you!" I yelled, feeling proud of myself when my voice came out strong and loud. "Fuck-You! I saw you and Nnoitra getting all close by the fucking bike shed, for Christ's sake! You fucking user! I didn't even like you anyway-"
"Grimmjow." Ichigo's calm voice cut through me like steel. There was a pause in which he sounded like he was trying not to laugh.
"WHAT?" I screamed, stopping my foot and hating my heart for lurching at the sound of his voice.
"If you really saw me and Nnoitra by the bike shed, then did you see me kick him in the balls and break his front teeth?"
There is a long ringing silence.
"Didn't think so."
Then, as if to mock me, he gave me his address and demanded I come over and apologise for disappearing for 24 hours.
I can't tell you how stupid I felt as he hung up on me.
I checked on mum who I woke up with my screaming and told her I was going over to visit a friend.
"Take a torch." She told me, pointing to the darkness outside her bedroom window.
I smiled at her.
"Will do."
Now, you might think this is really, really gay advice, but I can see her logic; there are street lamps, but not on every inch of road, and if I fell over in the darkness or something equally stupid, then I wouldn't be found until morning.
I bundle a torch, my phone charger and some clean clothes into a rucksack because its late and Ichigo said I'm sleeping over.
I try very hard not to think about that last bit.
He was waiting for me outside his house when I arrived thirty minutes later, wearing pajama pants and a thick knitted jumper. I swallowed. He looked adorable.
"What's with the torch?" He asked, smirking.
"Fuck off." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
Ichigo's face immediately turned into a scowl. "Don't be such a girl." He spat at me. "I wasn't gonna hold the whole disappearing thing against you, just don't do it again. I was worried."
Then his face fell slightly.
"Did you really think I was using you? Did you really think I actually liked Nnoitra?"
I clenched my mouth shut because opening it and confirming everything he had just said as true would be just too pathetic.
"Is that why you ran away?" He whispered, lowly. "You were hurt?"
I felt like I was standing on a cliff.
Someone was behind me, a hand on my back, pushing me towards the ledge. My body was shaking; my jaw was tensed, my eyes were rapidly filling, and I'm pretty sure there was a sob building in my chest.
I was literally a step away from totally falling apart.
"I'm so sorry." He told me, before pulling me into a hug.
I don't want to write it.
I don't want to write about how I completely and utterly fell apart in Ichigo Kurosaki's arms, on his motherfucking doorstep. I don't want to write how his warm smell and tight grip on me only made me cry harder.
It's a moment of my life I wish I could forget.
Why is everything so intense? Why does it hurt so much but feel so good to finally cry and let it all out? Why can't I just live in a flat with my mum and not give a shit about Zaraki or Yachiru? Why can't I stop liking Ichigo so fucking much?
I'm not in control anymore.
Ichigo later let me restore some of my masculinity by resting his head on my chest and snuggling into my side. We were stretched out on a sofa in his basement. I vaguely remember Tatsuki telling me how they all come down here on weekends when Ichigo's dad is working late and watch TV, order pizza and hangout like normal teenagers.
"So you punched Nnoitra?" I asked Ichigo, once the second episode of Family Guy had finished. "What the fuck happened?"
"I told him I was in love with someone." A smile started to split his face.
"You told him you were in love with someone," I repeated stupidly, trying to process this. Ichigo was biting his lip. I could tell he was thinking twice about what he had just said.
But I found I wasn't intimidated.
I was relieved.
"Wait," I frowned in mock concern. "It's me, right?"
He rolled his eyes, lips twitching. "Yes, it's you, Grimmjow."
At last, everything was absolutely fine and I grinned, grabbing him and pulling his face towards mine. I'd like to say the kiss was sexy and bone melting, but it's sort of hard to focus when we were both grinning so widely and Ichigo kept collapsing into giggles.
It still melted my bones, though.
I pulled away, looking at him with a sort of dazed expression.
"Just checking," I said, before kissing him properly.
His lips were just like I remembered and he tasted like toothpaste; it made my mouth feel cold.
Ichigo was an amazing kisser. I don't have loads of experience at kissing, and I've never asked anyone if I'm any good or not, but Ichigo didn't seem to give a flying fuck as his hands gripped my sides fiercely.
I ran my hands across his jaw, one sinking into his hair, the other sliding down his back, feeling the bumps of his spine. I gently traced my fingers up and down the area between his shoulder blades and he shivered.
"Feels nice." He mumbled and I slipped my hand under his shirt, touching the skin on his back and groaning at how smooth and warm and good he felt under my finger tips.
After a few minutes of this, his shirt began to annoy me so I tugged it over his head. He grinned back at me and reached for mine, crawling onto my lap and throwing my discarded shirt over his shoulder. I laughed as it landed on the TV.
As Ichigo straddled himself on my lap, I felt something hard brush against my leg. He groaned quietly and I stilled.
Oh my god.
Ichigo is a guy.
Guys get boners.
In other words his dick is in his pajama pants and it's hard.
I made him hard.
I wasn't sure what to make of this so I grabbed his hips and held him very still, determined not to look down at his crotch.
"Grimmjow?"
Ichigo's face looked puzzled and I hated myself for being such a coward. I did want him, I even had a fucking erection to prove it but I just didn't think...
What? That he'd get hard too?
Will I have to touch it? Another boy's penis? Will he want it in my mouth? Will he want it up my ass?
"Hang on." My voice comes out high and panicked.
I don't feel ready for this.
"Just wait a second." I told Ichigo, who was rapidly looking more and more worried.
I am ready, I have to be. Well, I don't have to, but I want to be. I want this.
It's just...
"Grimmjow, we can stop. We don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing."
I exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"We don't have to have... sex... right now, do we?" I choke out.
"No, Grimmjow. You don't even have to think about that if you don't want to. Being gay isn't about liking anal, its about liking other guys. Some gay people have, you know, proper relationships, but never have sex because anal isn't for everyone."
"Really?" I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise and I really wanted to know more, but I realised that we had forever to talk about this, to disect it for what it really was and explore it.
But in that moment I had a shirtless Ichigo on my lap with a boner, who didn't want butt sex from me right away and I suddenly felt infinitely better about the whole thing.
In an instant my hands were all over him, pulling him close to me and pressing our torsos together. I felt Ichigo gasp into my shoulder and his breath against my skin made my hips twitch slightly. Ichigo wriggled against me and the oddest thing happened.
Ichigo groaned loud and long as our chests rubbed together and the friction on my nipples was so surprising, I bucked upwards and bit my lip in an effort to hold down a growl.
I felt it again; the unmistakable hardness of his cock pressing against the buckle of my belt.
But that was ok. The fact that I knew we weren't going all the way made me feel a bit more confident. We would kiss, and see where that'd take us.
I decided to explore Ichigo. I kissed a wet trail down from his mouth to his neck and took my time licking and biting him there. He groaned my name; humming and sighing at every touch.
He was beautiful.
He braced one hand on the back of the sofa behind my head and his other one was in my hair, tugging ever so gently. It felt fucking incredible.
I placed a hand on his chest and rubbed my rough palm against a hard nipple; Ichigo's hips jerked and he grinded himself onto me, swearing loudly. I immediately reached down and grabbed his ass, pulling him against me again and we started a slow, twitching rhythm.
"Fuck, oh fuck..." Ichigo chanted over and over into my hair.
I ducked my head and lead my trail of kisses down his collar bone to his chest.
When I took one of his nipples into my mouth, he let out a shuddering sigh and cupped my head in his hands, holding me there. I used my tongue to flick against the sensitive area and he stuttered out my name and suddenly streams of curses were flying from his mouth and he pulled my head away.
I thought for a moment I had done something wrong, but the look in Ichigo's eyes told me very differently.
His brown eyes had never looked darker and his lips were pink and swollen. I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight.
I wanted him.
Suddenly I groaned as all the blood in my body went to my already painfully hard cock. Why was I wearing fucking jeans? They felt so tight.
Ichigo was watching me with his black stare.
"Unbutton your pants." He commanded.
Fuck, this is too fucking hot.
My fingers were trembling as I undid my belt and the front of my jeans; Ichigo slid off my lap and onto the floor, tugging them down my legs.
Suddenly something clicked.
"Are you giving me a blowjob?" I asked, my voice thick and not my own.
"Do you want one?" Ichigo asked me, suddenly worried.
"Fuck yes." I whispered and Ichigo smiled up at me, settling himself between my thighs.
"Good." Ichigo said seriously, grabbing the elastic of my boxers and pulling my cock out. I wanted to throw my head back and roar at the feel of his hands on me, but I didn't want to look away so all I did was inhale sharply and flex my hips.
"Because even if you didn't want one, I would have held you down and done it anyway. I've wanted to do this to you since I first saw you." He told me, never breaking eye contact.
He pressed his lips against me and I nearly came right there. They were so soft and so wet; I felt my stomach clench and we both watched a bead of cum roll down my shaft. Ichigo licked it up before it could escape and I felt myself become frantic.
"Ichigo..." I gasped, gripping the fabric of the sofa tightly in my fists.
I watched for a long agonizing second, as my cock disappeared into the wetness of Ichigo's mouth.
"Fuck!" I could feel a growl building in the back of my throat and I finally closed my eyes, biting my lip and trying to steel myself against the tightening coil in my stomach.
I could feel Ichigo bobbing up and down on me, his tongue wet and probing, his hands holding my hips down.
An instant before it happened, I opened my eyes.
His black gazed tipped me over the edge.
My orgasm ripped through me, every nerve ending and cell in my body sang; my back arched off the sofa, my fingers went numb and whiteness flickered behind my eyelids like a strobe light. I let out a strangled moan followed by a long, shuddering sigh as I came inside Ichigo's warm, wet mouth.
My chest was heaving as I tried to calm down and I closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted.
Once my brain was working properly again, the first thing it registered was a wet noise.
I looked down and Ichigo had his head buried in my thigh, gasping against my skin, arm working frantically as he touched himself.
"Ichigo, come here." I told him, my voice dry and low. But as it happens, he was shaking so badly he could hardly stand.
I lowered myself onto the floor, between him and the sofa and pulled him against me. My hand reached deftly for his swollen cock and he immediately lost control, his hips thrashing, his arms locking around my neck as he buried himself into my shoulder, sobbing my name, his voice almost hysterical.
He came seconds later, his whole body twitching violently, his come splattering onto my stomach and fist.
We sat there for what felt like hours, the come drying on my skin, the cooling sweat on the back of my neck making me shiver.
It should have all felt too fast. I mean I just had my hand on Ichigo's penis.
His PENIS. P-E-N-I-S.
But it didn't bother me as much as I thought it might. I did feel sick but it wasn't out of disgust or revulsion at what we had just done.
I laughed nervously.
"What?" Ichigo croaked, smiling up at me sleepily. "What's so funny?"
"I've got butterflies." I said incredulously, feeling them doing loop de loops and cartwheels in my stomach, their tiny wings tickling my insides.
Ichigo threw back his head and laughed, his eyes were bright and I realised there were tears in his eyes.
I genuinely don't think I've ever felt more glad to be alive.