A/N: Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the read and reviews! It makes my day to see what you guys think about it (since this is my first HA fanfic)! So keep em' coming! Here we go.
Now where was I? Oh yes! After laughing at my dearest husband's expense, some other interesting event occurred that day. And by interesting, I mean pathetic and hilarious at the same time. What happened you ask? Well, before I go into that, I'd like to point out the top three rules that every man should know to NOT say to a pregnant woman.
Rule number one; never say "Can it wait till later?" when a pregnant woman is craving something in that instant.
Unfortunately, Geraldo found that out the hard way...
Things were starting to wind down at the Shortman's new residence, as the loving couple snuggled on their sofa watching TV. Well, one was trying to snuggle, while the other was trying to unsuccessfully deny her advances…
"Aw, come on Football Head! It wasn't that bad! You're not still sore from that little accident now are you?" Helga tried to console, failing to conceal her chuckles.
Arnold just huffed, and shook his head, trying to look away from her mischievous smile. "For the last time, I know that wasn't an accident. Knowing you, I wouldn't be surprised if you planned that!"
"Now would I ever be capable for something like that?" Helga asked while faking an insulted gasp.
"Yes." He glared.
"Well excuse me for thinking that my husband is the sexiest being on earth, and reveling in the fact that he's all mine…" She purred, while raking her nails on his chest.
"You're evil you know that…" He growled huskily, caressing her face gently.
She chuckled lowly, bringing her lips closer to his, but before the two could meet in a passionate embrace, the doorbell rang.
"Who the f-"She started.
"I'll get it." He chuckled at her irritated expression and bopped her nose softly.
He opened the door to see Gerald with a tired, yet sheepish facial expression. The two men greeted each other with their signature handshake.
"It's good to see you Gerald, but what brings you by at this time? Is everything ok?" Arnold asked.
"Yeah, yeah man, everything's great it's just-"
"GOOD. THEN GET THE F*** OUT OF MY HOUSE TALL-HAIR BOY!" An irritated voice shouted from the living room.
"Helga!" Arnold admonished, then turned to his best friend. "Don't mind her. You know how she can get…Especially in her condition."
"I HEARD THAT PASTE FOR BRAINS!"
"Anyways, what's up?" He asked.
"Well, I was kind of wondering… if you wouldn't mind me crashing over here for a bit…I mean, just until things cool off at my place…" Gerald rubbed his neck.
"HE** NO!"
"Helga! Cut it out!" Arnold reprimanded once more. "Cool off? What do you mean? Did something happen with you and Phoebe?" He asked with concern.
"Well nothing bad, per say, the woman's just…well…okay, I'll just say it. She's impossible. I mean I just got off from a hard day at work, asked her if she needed anything, she's all like 'oh no, honey, I'm just great!' So I get home, trying to chill, and then she's askin' me to go fetch her some eggrolls and ice cream from the store since that was her latest craving. So, I go to the store and get it, only for her to complain that it was the wrong kind, and that she wanted the one from a store that's on the other side of town! So I was just like 'Well babe, can it wait till later?' Then she goes kureiji (crazy) ballistic on me! So she kicked me ou-I MEAN, I decided to leave and blow off some steam, until things are chill…So-"
"YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN HISTORY YOU KOW THAT!"
"HELGA!" Arnold shouted.
"I mean seriously, why couldn't you just heed the girl and get her whatever the heck she wanted?" Helga glared, as she entered the doorway, ignoring her husband's rebuke.
"Why couldn't she just be grateful for the stuff I got her?! I mean this whole process isn't just hard on you women you know!" Gerald retorted.
"Guys-"Arnold started.
"Bulls***! You men have one simple job, and one job only: to keep us as happy as possible with no complaints! I mean look at Hair Boy here, he never complains when I send him to Timbuktu to satisfy my daily munchies!" She crossed her arms.
"Guys!" Arnold tried once more.
"Well duh! That's cause' you got him whipped! I don't expect any less from the way you got him wrapped around your finger!"
"Hey! Now wait just a minute! I am not-"Arnold complained.
"Da** straight I got him whipped! At least he does what it takes to make his wife happy!" She retorted.
"Oh! And you're sayin' I don't?!" Gerald snapped.
"If the shoe fits!" She spat back.
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Arnold roared, rendering both parties silent.
"First of all, I am not whipped!" he glared at Helga, daring her to scoff in reply; she didn't. "Second of all, yes I do my best to make my wife as happy as possible since this is a challenging yet life-changing process for both of us; and Gerald, I know you do the same for your wife. It's not easy, but self-centered thinking is the last thing that will help you get through these times. You both need to take each other's feelings into consideration. This is a team effort. Therefore, Helga you need to keep that in mind. And Gerald, you need to talk to your wife and reach some sort of compromise to settle your differences."
Helga and Gerald looked down as if they were scolded by a parent, until Gerald sighed. "You're right man…Guess we both should eat a slice of humble pie…But I don't know if she'll even want to talk to me after-"
His cell phone rang.
"Looks like you spoke too soon." Arnold smiled as Gerald answered his phone.
"Hello? Kirei? (Beautiful)…No, no it's not a bad time! I was just about to call you actually…Aww no. No I'm the one that's sorry…I should have taken your feelings into consideration…I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but we're in this together and I'll be by your side no matter what…Yeah. I'm about to come back now…But I'm gonna' go on that munchie run for ya first. No. It's not any trouble…You're worth it babe. I love you too. Ki o tsukete (Take care)." He hung up with a smile.
"Well, duty calls. I better get going before the store closes. Thanks for everything man, appreciate it."
"Anytime. Glad things worked out." Arnold smiled as they did their signature handshake once more.
"Yeah, yeah. Nuff' with the mushiness. Get out of here already, husband of the year." Helga joked, but with a smile.
"Yeah, you take care too, Hellgirl." He rolled his eyes with a chuckle.
After he left the house, the couple returned to their spot on the couch. Helga rolled her eyes at her husband.
"And there ya' go again, being a Mr. Goody-goody, spreading sunshine and peace everywhere you go…That's annoying you know that?" She deadpanned.
"But you love me for it…" He winked and tickled her sides, making her giggle uncontrollably. He then leaned down and met her in a tender yet passionate kiss.
OK, enough with the sappy stuff. You're probably wondering, "Alright, so what's rule number two?" Well, first I have to tell you about an event leading up to that point. It happened when I was going into 18 weeks, so about four months of my pregnancy and boy was I starting to show…Maybe a little more than normal? And unfortunately, I wasn't the only one that noticed…
"Oh Helgie! I'm so excited! This opportunity comes once in a lifetime! Aren't you stoked?! I can't believe we were even invited to one of THE most renowned fashion designer's exclusive parties! I'm so happy I can just burst!" Helga's overly perky publicist, Katrina gushed.
"Oh put a sock in it already Kitty and let's get this over with…" Helga glared as she tried to button up her long faux fur coat, but to no avail, the buttons near her abdomen would not fasten properly.
"Helgie! I do hope you're not going to carry that type of attitude around the one and only RLG! Such a standpoint will not draw the desired attention needed to promote your image or sales on your latest best seller!" Kat complained.
Helga scoffed. "Oh please. Do you even know what RLG stands for?"
"Uh duh! Of course I do! It stands for 'Real Luxurious Garments', the only title she ever wants to be known for that defines her status and very heart's passion for fashion!" Kat explained.
"Mm hmm. Try, Rhonda Lloyd Gammelthorpe. Also known as princess pain in the butt who once cried for one week straight when she broke a nail, and would rather keep her married to a psycho title in the shadows…Thus the lame acronym." Helga replied in a matter-of-fact tone.
"W-wait a minute! Y-you're talking like you know her or something." Katrina laughed.
Helga just rolled her eyes and continued to walk forward, seeing the huge mansion ahead.
"W-wait a minute…Y-you're saying that YOU know the prominent princess of fashion herself?!"
"Since preschool…Unfortunately. Now quit your drooling already and get a move on it!"
"What?!But-but-you mean-you-I mean-you know…WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HELGIE?!" She whined.
"Because then you'd start kissing butt more than usual. Now hurry up!" Helga answered back without looking behind her.
Once the two nicely dressed women reached the door, security was quick to scan them, as they presented a pass to Katrina.
"Welcome Ms. Stones. Mrs. RLG is expecting you. Enjoy the party." The guard nodded formally.
"Thank you! See you inside Helgie!" Katrina skipped along.
Helga rolled her eyes and tried to follow, only to be stopped by the guards.
"Not so fast ma'am. I'm afraid that your current state of apparel is not regarded as appropriate for Mrs. RLG standards."
"Excuse me? I'm wearing a dress aren't I? And how the heck does that even pose as a threat to safety anyway? What are you jokers, the fashion police?" Helga scowled.
"Affirmative. Although your array could pass as presentable, your footwear choice of worn out velvet loafers is something left to be desired, and compromises Mrs. RLG's dress code of conduct for this particular event." One of the guards stated in a monotone voice as they flashed their badges.
"Therefore, unless you have other accommodations for the appropriate footwear, we cannot allow you access." The guard finished in the same tone.
"Oh my deepest apologies!" Helga replied, an insincere sweetness dripping in her tone. She then reached into her bag and pulled out a set of black, bulky lace up combat boots, and slipped them on.
The guards stared at her incredulously.
"Really?" One guard raised an eyebrow behind his designer labeled ray-ban sunglasses.
"That's right officer dumb and dumber. Now let me the heck through, before I take your pathetic fancy ties and wrap them around your necks!" She scowled.
"She's playing hardball." The guard stated.
"Call it." The other commanded.
The guards then moved behind her and held her arms behind her back.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, or the way you dress will be held against you in the courts of mall. You have the right to a fashion stylist-OOF!" The guard was interrupted as the wind was knocked out of him from being elbowed. Helga then punched the other guard in the stomach, and took a fighting stance, as backup guards came on the scene.
"At ease boys! There's no need for hostility!" Rhonda smiled as she strutted upon the scene in her strappy stilettos. "Although I can't say that I'm surprised to see you causing such a ruckus, Helga darling. Though considering your state of condition, I guess that's completely understandable." She gushed observing her protruding stomach.
"Cut the cupcake greeting princess and let me in." Helga commanded.
"Now Helga, you can't possibly expect to go in wearing those atrocious boots! You must understand that like you, I have a reputation to uphold! Not to worry though, I have the perfect solution that just so happens to be your size." She smirked as she held up a set of black strappy stiletto sandals.
"Oh-ho no. Not a chance! There is no way that I'm going to wear those constricting, strappy 5 inch heeled death traps!" She crossed her arms in defiance.
Later after the Party…
"I CAN'T believe, I had to wear these constricting, strappy 5 inch heeled death traps!"
"Was it really that bad?" Arnold asked with concern, yet trying to hold in his laughter as his wife quickly loosened the straps of her sandals and chucked them into a nearby trashcan, as they continued walking on the sidewalk.
"Yes. Yes it was. But nothing a little embarrassing photo that I have of princess that I'm going to post on HillShare later can't fix." She smiled evilly. "How about you? How was your day?"
"Oh nothing too exciting; just had another encounter with grandpa…again." Arnold replied.
"My, my honey! Is that a hint of spite that I detect in your tone of voice hmm?" She teased.
"No. Of course not. I don't know what you're talking about." He deadpanned with a slight scowl.
"How bad was it?" She asked eagerly, as he sighed.
"As if grandpa's persistence wasn't bad enough…Dad made an offhand comment about the baby possibly being named after him instead, and grandpa challenged him to wager on that…He agreed." Arnold face palmed.
"Really?! How much are they going for? I gotta' get in on the action!" She smiled.
"Helga." He gave her his half-lidded look of annoyance.
"Oh, I'm just kidding with you, Love! Lighten up! They're probably just excited and can't find a way to contain themselves." She reassured.
"You're probably right." He shrugged.
Just then, as the couple passed by the butcher's shop, they heard a familiar voice.
"OH LOOK! IT'S HEEEEELLLGGAAA! WOW SHE'S SO FAAT! I COULD BARELY RECOGNIZE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE SO HUUGE! HAHAHA!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to our next rule.
Rule number two; never tell a pregnant woman that she is fat; even if she is. Cause, hell may have no fury like a woman's scorned, but when you mess with me, you risk bloodshed…
Good ol' Harold dumba** Berman found that out the hard way…
Surprisingly, after that comment, it didn't take long for Helga to jaywalk (run) across the intersection and jump on Harold until he was up against a brick wall, as she held him by the throat.
"YOU WANT TO SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN TO MY FACE PINK BOY?! HUH?! GO ON! I DARE YOU!" Helga grinned dangerously as she tightened her grip.
"I-I WAS JUST KIDDING! N-NO NEED TO BE SO SENSETIVE!"
Her grip tightened further.
"OKAY! OKAY! I'M SORRY! I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT BAD! YOU'RE NOT THAT FAT, LIKE OBESE OR ANYTHING!"
Her grip tightened even further.
"AH! MOOMMY!" Harold cried.
"Hey! What's going on out here?!"
Helga slacked upon her grip slightly as she watched her friend Patty approach them with a scowl.
"AH! BABE HELP ME! HELGA'S TRYING TO KILL ME!" He cried to his wife.
"What did he do this time?" Patty sighed.
"He said I was fat." She growled.
"Harold! What did I tell you about being an idiot?!" His wife scolded him.
"To not be an idiot…" Harold replied.
"Apologize!" She commanded.
"Sorry Helga…" He said begrudgingly.
"For?" Patty tapped her foot.
"For calling you fat…"
Helga scoffed, mumbled "Idiot", and released him, only for him to fall to the ground. Just then, Arnold ran up to them while trying to catch his breath.
"You-you shouldn't…run…off…like that…H-Helga!" He panted.
"You know you could have caught up to me a lot faster Hair Boy if you didn't wait for the stupid pedestrian crosswalk signal." She rolled her eyes.
"At least…I…didn't break the law by jaywalking!" He retorted, his panting finally coming to an end.
"I did what had to be done." Helga shrugged.
"So Helga, Arnold, how goes the expecting parent life?" Patty smiled.
"Meh, it's going." She grabbed her husband's hand. "How about you? How goes the mommy life?"
"Same. It's going…I was finally able to get to the boy to sleep!" She smiled triumphantly until the distant noise of a baby's cry sounded from inside the Butcher's shop.
"That is until now anyways…" She sighed.
"I'm sorry Patty. I didn't mean to cause a disturbance." Helga apologized.
"Oh don't worry about it Helga. I don't blame you…I blame him." She pointed to her husband.
"Me?!" Harold whined.
"Yes you! Now go get Ethan to sleep, or you're on diaper duty for the rest of the night!" Patty commanded.
"NOOO! NOT DIAPER DUTY! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Harold begged.
"Then you better get him snoozing! Now go on! March!"
Harold then stomped into the building, grumbling as he went along.
"Not to offend Helga, but I do see his point. I mean you're only going on 5 months, and you're showing quite…apparently." Patty said.
"Yeah. I've been getting that a lot lately…I don't know what's going on with me…" Helga frowned as she rubbed her protruding stomach.
"I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about…Besides, we have an ultrasound appointment coming up pretty soon. So whatever it is, I'm sure it's nothing to cause concern." Arnold reassured, as he put one hand on his wife's shoulder and the other on top of the hand rubbing her tummy.
"I hope you're right FootBall-Head…"
OK so I know you're probably wondering, what the heck was going on with me right? Well, I'll explain all in due time. But first, I need to get to rule number three. So fast forwarding to the future; well two months ago to be exact. To sum everything up, Pheebs invited me over for tea to calm our nerves when all of a sudden, she started yelling and moaning in pain, falling to the floor. Turns out, her water broke and by the looks of it, she was on countdown. I had to get her to the hospital fast, but Tall-Hair boy took the car. Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with him…
"GERALDO! GET YOUR SORRY, STUPID A** OVER HERE PRONTO! PHOEBE'S WATER JUST BROKE!" Helga screamed frantically into the phone.
"ALREADY?! WHO-WHAT-WHEN-WHERE-WHY! AW MAN! THIS IS SO SUDDEN! SH**! OKAY. I-I'M COMIN' NOW! D-DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! TELL HER NOT TO MOVE!" Gerald sputtered.
"IT'S NOT ME YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT! AAHHH! IT HURTS! I-IT'S COMING! HURRY!" Phoebe yelled, snatching the phone from Helga's hands, but dropping it to clutch her stomach in agony.
"OKAY! I-I'M COMING OSANAGO (baby)!" Gerald shouted back in panic.
"HURRY UP GERALDO!" Helga barked into the phone and hung up abruptly, trying to calm her best friend. "Breathe Pheebs! In and out. Okay? I-I can't imagine how hard it is, but you've got to breathe!"
"B-breathing! AH!" Phoebe replied, groaning in pain.
Once, Gerald pulled up, he helped his wife into the car, leaving the suitcases behind on the doorstep. Once all three were piled into the car, he burned rubber, trying to make it to the hospital. Unfortunately, the four o' clock traffic showed no mercy to the situation.
"CAN'T YOU DRIVE ANY FASTER?!" Phoebe yelled, trying to catch her breath.
"I'm trying babe!" Gerald grunted, honking at the car in front of him.
"I let Arnold know what's going on. He can't get a break, but he said he'll pop by on his lunch." Helga informed them, rubbing Phoebe's back gently.
"LUCKY HIM! HE'S ALREADY AT THE HOSPITAL! WHY CAN'T YOU BE USEFUL LIKE THAT GERAAAHH?!" Phoebe cried.
"We almost there babe!"
"WELL TELL THE BABY THAT!" She shouted.
"WELL CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT?!" Gerald snapped back in panic.
…Yep, you've guessed it. Rule number three; never tell a pregnant woman who happens to be going into labor to wait.
Once again, Geraldo found that out the hard way…
To say that Pheebs blew a gasket, would be an understatement…I mean I was rendered completely silent and maybe even a little scared as she displayed behavior that I never knew was possible for her...I mean I thought that maybe hanging around me finally rubbed off on her, but after threatening to set all of his Jordans on fire, threaten that their sex life would never see the light of day again, and shout a stream of curse words that I never even knew existed in one sentence…Well all I can say is that on the bright side, I learned how to say 'Fu** you' in about ten different languages!"
The good news was that the traffic cleared enough for Gerald to step on the gas and make it to the hospital on time. He bravely stuck through the process without a complaint, and remained strong through the entire delivery…That's not to say he didn't faint; the sap…Anyways, Arnold joined me as we waited with great anticipation in the waiting room. After what seemed like forever, we were called into the maternity ward. What we saw, was beyond words…
Both Arnold and Helga were speechless as they observed the wondrous sight of their best friends smiling down on the little baby bundled snugly in a pink blanket. A beaming Gerald and a tired, yet also beaming Phoebe lovingly gazed into each other's eyes and shared a tender kiss before facing their friends with tranquil smiles.
"Arnold…Helga…we'd like you to meet Jodi. Jodi Mitsuko Johanssen." Phoebe announced.
"Oh Phoebe…She's so beautiful!" Helga gushed with a teary smile.
"Yes she is! Congratulations to both of you!" Arnold smiled grabbing his best friend into a (manly) hug.
"It took a while to think of the right name, but I think I did a pretty good job." Gerald joked. Phoebe just giggled. "Yes, but remember, you kept insisting on a name that would roll off your tongue, while staying true to culture. Turns out Jodi actually means 'praise' in Japanese, while 'Mitsuko' means a bright child; a child of light that brings many blessings." Phoebe explained.
"Mhmm, it's perfect. I can tell she's gonna' be a bright one, just like her mother. The light of my life. My one and only…" Gerald stated lovingly.
This would have been the time for Helga to snap at them for being saps and command them to break up the mushy love fest, but she was too busy being in awe by the innocent bundle of joy as she snuggled closer to her mother.
"Congrats you two…I know you both will be wonderful parents. You're already looking like the picture perfect family. You deserve such a happiness and much more to come." Helga declared sincerely.
After Helga hugged both of them, she rubbed her now enormous tummy as she smiled at her husband who also returned the favor as the same thought ran through both of their minds.
"Hope we can be that lucky when it's our turn…"