Chapter Ten:
Bella took a heavy breath, trying to calm the ache in her chest. She leaned into Edward's hug, trying to feel any sort of comfort she could muster, but receiving none. His arms felt stiff to her, not quite right.
"We have so much to do," Edward said, pulling away from her and sitting back against the couch, his eyes never leaving her. "We'll need to pack, to buy plane tickets, to arrange for somewhere to stay…"
"Calm down a bit," she told him softly. "We have plenty of time."
"No, I would prefer to leave now; the sooner the better."
His face remained blank, but his eyes rapidly changed emotion. Bella knew his studied calm and his willingness to accept what had happened couldn't last forever. She hadn't even fully accepted it. She waited for the other shoe to drop.
"I think you should slow down and deal with this Edward…you can't really be so okay with it."
"I don't need to slow down, Bella. I'm fine."
"I don't see how you could be," she replied skeptically.
He remained thoughtful. "Well there is one thing," he said, sitting forward and taking her hands in his. He locked eyes with her. "You have to swear something to me."
She nodded numbly.
"Swear to me that it didn't mean anything, that it was just lust, that it was just a big mistake," he said with building urgency.
Looking at him with a dumbfounded expression, she remained quiet for a moment. She knew she couldn't rightly say that it was just lust or that it meant nothing, she didn't know those things herself. Perhaps it was a mistake, but even admitting that aloud felt awkward and untrue to her ears.
"Bella, please," he continued, his eyes large and filled with sadness.
She knew he needed to hear it, and though she didn't want to she said, "I swear it was just lust."
"And it meant nothing?" he prodded, causing a painful stab in her chest.
"It meant nothing," she said quietly, her eyes falling away from his.
He hugged her close again, more tightly than before as if he were releasing pent up emotion in the embrace. She hugged him back, and yet she couldn't find the same release as he seemed to, instead she thought of Jasper.
"Edward," she said slowly, pulling back. "I need to do something."
"Anything, love."
She swallowed hard. "I need to go to Jasper and tell him it's…over. Tell him goodbye."
"No," Edward said sharply his eyes blazing. He recovered himself slightly before continuing more softly. "No, I don't think it's a good idea."
"But Edward…"
"No," he repeated firmly. "While I arrange for our trip, you can stay here with Emmett."
She let out a breath, worried about fighting it. "Fine."
He gave her a long look before smiling, though it never quite reached his eyes. "Good. I'll be right back."
He got up, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead before going downstairs to inform Emmett of their plan.
Bella sat back against the couch feeling helpless. On one hand she wanted to go along with him, to not argue because she felt that agreeing was what he deserved after her betrayal, but on the other hand she wanted to yell and remind him that she didn't need to be babysat, that she wasn't the young girl running off to see Jacob in La Push.
When Edward came back into the room she tried to manage a smile, but couldn't feel the enthusiasm for it.
"Emmett is waiting for you downstairs, I shouldn't take long," he said in a breath.
"Okay," she responded quietly. Edward ignored the meekness in her voice. She stood up to go downstairs without really looking at him.
Emmett watched her as she came down the stairs, shocked at the deadened look in her eyes. She sat down next to him on the couch, barely turning to acknowledge his presence. Edward gave him a quick nod as he went out the door, but the room remained silent.
"So…" Emmett said after a moment, garnering no response from Bella.
She stared into space for a minute, trying to untangle the web of emotions she could feel building up inside of her. Her eyes darted to the door, surveying the large crack in the pale wood that had been left from Jasper's departure. She watched the door a minute longer, half expecting him to come into the room at any moment, half hoping for it, but he didn't.
She couldn't imagine a house without him in it, her life without him there, but the possibility of him being near her again was slim. The idea of it struck her, filling her with unhappiness. Edward came to mind and she reassured herself that she was making the right decision.
And even though Edward said he didn't think she should see him, she knew she had to. She couldn't leave things the way they were without feeling sad and uncomfortable with the situation. She wasn't sure if talking to him would do anything; she had so much and yet so little to say all at once. If anything, she needed to say goodbye, to see him, to do something besides sit there and feel so wrong inside.
She stood up quickly, surprising Emmett. "Emmett," she said slowly, "I have to do something. You can try and stop me but I promise I'll fight back."
"I can't let you leave…" he hedged, thinking of Edward's anger if he did.
Turning to look at him, her black eyes surprisingly filled with raw emotion, she said again, "I have to do something. I promise you I will come back…I just…" She paused, taking a deep breath. "I didn't get to say goodbye."
The sadness in her words overwhelmed him. He watched her still form for a second, knowing she wouldn't wait for permission. Edward would be angry, but something told Emmett that this was the right thing to do. He hated seeing Bella the way she was, her face drained of everything that made her, her. Maybe it would help her to go. Everything else was so screwed up; there could be no harm in letting her go. "…Okay."
She darted toward the door, but he called her back. "Bella?"
One foot already out the door, she turned to face him.
He let out a deep breath, "Can you tell him…tell him that if he doesn't plan on coming back…I'll miss him, and I don't hate him."
A sad smile tugged at the corners of her lips, "Of course, Emmett." She turned to go, and without looking back at him, whispered, "Thank you."
Bella didn't wait for anything more, she flew out the door at top speed, somehow knowing where she would be able to find Jasper.
The air was crisp with cold and she could smell the impending snow without having seen a single flake. Somehow fall had come and gone when she wasn't looking. A lot had passed by without notice.
She tried to think of exactly what to say while she ran, but her mind could come up with nothing but goodbye. She began to hate the word.
She came to a skittering stop in the clearing, ten feet from where Jasper sat staring into the distance. Without looking at her, he stood as if to go, taking one step in the opposite direction of her.
"Jasper wait," she said, reaching out her hand in protest.
He stopped, taking a deep breath and pushing down the sadness he felt at the sound of her voice. Closing his eyes tightly, the memory of her conversation with Edward replayed itself in his head and he clenched his fists to stop from running. He could feel her emotions pressing into him and something about her mixed feelings, her sorrow and unease, touched him and made him want to stay. He waited for her to speak without turning around, afraid to look her in the eye.
"I…" she began, but no words came out. She stared at him with wide eyes, her chest swelling with familiar feelings.
The silence lingered between them, bearing its weight upon them.
"You're leaving," he stated and his tone was colder than she had ever heard it before. The lack of emotion in his words reminded her of Edward's calm demeanor and she almost shivered.
"Yes," she choked out.
Bella stood staring at his profile for a long time, willing him to look at her, but frightened of what she would see in his expression.
When he finally turned to look at her, she saw nothing of the coldness in his voice, his dark eyes were merely sad.
She took a step forward and he stepped backward automatically. "Jasper…I'm sorry."
His jaw clenched together. "For what? It was just lust right? A mistake?"
Biting her lip, she closed her eyes. He had heard. "Jasper…" She almost felt unable to say anything more; a tearless sob shook her body. She wasn't sure if it would be easier to lie and say it was lust or to admit that she didn't think that it was but that it didn't matter.
The tenor of her emotions as they flooded his system did not match her words to Edward. He felt cautiously hopeful. "Bella," he began, his tone softer than before but somehow more intense. "Look me in the eyes and tell me it meant nothing."
She looked down at the cracked twigs beside his feet. The same suffocating silence fell upon them, and her lack of an answer made Jasper's hope build higher. "Just tell me like you told him."
It was his turn to take a large stride towards her, leaving less than a foot of space between them. Jasper's hand went to her chin, tilting her face up from the ground to look at him. She closed her eyes and a ragged breath left her lips, "I can't."
Tension buzzed between them, and Bella could feel his breath on her face. For a moment she wanted him to kiss her, but before she could fully release herself to the feeling, she pulled back and looked away, remembering her purpose.
"I came here to say goodbye," she said as dryly as possible.
Jasper's hope crashed. "So you're going to let him take you away?"
She nodded, unable to speak or to look at him. She loved Edward, she did. So why wasn't this easier?
A tiny white snowflake fell to the ground in front of her and she looked up to see more following. They landed on her, clinging to her hair.
Jasper watched her for a long time. "Is this what you want, Bella?"
She finally looked at him, trying to muster up the conviction to end their affair once and for all. "It's the right thing to do."
"Maybe it is, but I didn't ask that Bella, I asked if it was what you wanted." He brushed a tiny flake of snow out of her hair.
Turning her face away, she sighed. "It doesn't matter what I want, it has been thirty years. He's right, I can't throw that away. I was just going through something Maybe once I'm gone it'll be all right, I can go back to being myself and not…this stupid impulsive person I don't recognize."
Jasper furrowed his eyebrows in a mix of anger and confusion. "Bella it does matter what you want, how can you say that? That confident woman you've been these past weeks is you, you've changed and grown, you told me that yourself. You weren't going through something, you're just not that young human girl anymore and he can't see that. You can make your own decisions. Please, don't let him make them for you."
His words hit her, and though she could recognize truth in them she fought it. "Jasper, I can't do this…I'm sorry I can't. I have to do what's right; I have to stay with him."
"There's nothing I can say to keep you here?" he asked, staring at her intently, saying exactly what he felt, not caring anymore about keeping it inside.
Everything, nothing, just ask me to stay, ask me, ask me, her mind swam. She stopped herself from thinking such thoughts. Eventually she'd get over him, she would be with Edward and everything would go back to normal. It had to, she couldn't possibly stay and still make things right.
"No," she said finally, her voice shaking.
The sadness he felt enveloped him and he could hardly rein it in. He hadn't ever thought he'd know what it was like to feel his own emotion above all else, with her he did, always; but to feel it at that moment he wanted nothing but to give it away.
"Okay," he said simply, swallowing hard. "If that is the decision you have made, I will respect it."
She could feel herself spiraling downward with nothing to grab a hold of. She clung to whatever she could. "Maybe one day, after everything dies down we can be friends again…"
He shook his head sadly. "No Bella, this is it. When we're done here I'm leaving and I'm not coming back."
Despair filled her at the words, but there was nothing she could do. She had made her decision for better or worse.
"Oh," she responded lamely. "Where will you go?"
He sighed. "For now I'm going to visit my friends Peter and Charlotte and from then who knows. Alice invited me to come to Denali, but I think I'll give it time."
She nodded, trying to think of something to say that would keep him longer in her presence.
She thought suddenly of Emmett. "Emmett wanted to say goodbye, that he'll miss you and that he doesn't hate you."
Jasper's posture softened at the words, glad to know he would always have his best friend if he needed him. "Thank you."
The snow began to come down harder, blanketing the ground around them. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and she closed her eyes.
"You should go," Jasper said quietly.
She looked up, meeting his eyes for the last time. She felt she had more to say, so much more that she never would.
Jasper took a deep breath, trying to push out the words he never wanted to say. "Goodbye Bella."
The finality of his tone pierced her. When she replied her words barely escaped her lips. "Goodbye Jasper."
Before she could move he stepped forward, putting one hand around her waist and the other on the back of her head, pressing his lips against hers with a passion mixed with sadness. She stood stunned for a moment, her knees feeling completely weak beneath her. She could feel the tearless prick behind her eyes, as she put her arms around him, kissing him back with force for the final time.
She almost sighed against his lips, the feelings building inside of her coming to an impossible crescendo. It felt perfect, like home, like she should be doing it always. But it wasn't, it was goodbye and she knew it.
When she pulled away she was breathless, gazing at his dark eyes that could no longer meet hers.
Her phone buzzed again in her pocket and she knew she couldn't linger any longer. With one final look at him she ran out of the clearing, pushing herself to her top speed.
As soon as she was gone, Jasper let out the only words he had ever held back from her, the ones he had never said aloud. "I love you," he whispered. Maybe she would hear, maybe not, he didn't feel it mattered anymore.
She heard his whispered words and she stopped in her tracks, putting her palm against her chest as if the pain she felt there was physical. He was speaking the unspeakable, but she was glad for it.
Though she had never admitted it, she knew it was true. She loved him.
"I love you too," she whispered back before she took off running toward the house again. She wasn't sure if he had intended for her to hear him, but she hoped despite everything that he had heard her response.
A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews, I know this chapter was pretty heavy emotionally, but it always gets worse before it gets any better. Let me know what you think!