How much time had passed before Grillby came to fetch you?
You hadn't a clue. But the blanket made you feel hidden and safe, and Lucifer's careful watch over you brought a sense of protection. Feeble little things, but just enough to gain some degree of control over yourself again. At least, you thought you were in control, but when the fire elemental knelt down to pick you up like a child, tears immediately began to fall. He tensed for a moment, though the bartender swiftly straightened up, holding you against his hip and issuing a series of crackling sounds as you wept openly with your face nuzzled to his shoulder.
Each word you tried to form through the emotional onslaught was an incomprehensible sputter, coughing and rambling without any sort of coherency. Though it didn't seem to bother Grillby in the slightest, mutely carrying you back out into the dim and empty bar with your service dog hot on his heels. With a sort of gentle regard you weren't accustomed to, he set you down in a booth, disappearing from your side for a few moments. When he returned, he had two glasses and a bottle of bourbon in hand, sliding into the bench across from you. Silently pouring both of you a glass, he waited with his fingertips caressing the rim of one til you calmed into shivers and snuffling, sliding it over to you.
Managing a shaky murmur of thanks, your trembling fingers curled around the glass, pressing it to your lips and taking a healthy swallow. Now, you rather liked bourbon. It was naturally sweet, and you couldn't help but allow your lips to faintly curl into a smile. This one was rather cinnamon forward in flavour, it oddly suited the bartender who brought it to you—perhaps he was sharing a favourite. After all, you'd yet to see this particular bottle anywhere behind the counter for the patrons to order. Another long drink was taken, your tumbler glass nearly emptied, before you set it back down with a soft clink on the table. Gaze flicking up at him, you noted with a twinge of confusion and ever present guilt that Grillby hadn't even taken a sip from his own.
"I'm...sorry. For the meltdown. For, uh...still kinda...I think this would be called a crisis." Adverting your gaze down to Lucifer, one of your hands lowered to lovingly stroke over his head. "Everything just kind of hit me all at once, I didn't mean for it to happen at work or...anywhere, really." Some part of you was screaming at yourself to shut up, but as Grillby nodded in an understanding fashion and refilled your glass, you couldn't. "Just my life has been a whole bucket of fuck. I won't...go into detail about my past. But there was...God, there was...so much done to me, and it wasn't just one man who did it, there was...and..." Shoulders quivering for a moment, you stopped petting Lucifer to pick up your refilled glass, taking a much smaller swig this time around and savoring the bright flavour.
"The memories alone are so hard to live with, Grillby...but the scars it all left. The scars, the damage, what I've become because of it. I just...I don't even know if this person that I am is really me. I don't know if I'm me, if that makes any sense. I've been trying so hard for so long to just...pretend to be normal. Pretend I don't have violent flashbacks or episodes of anger, pretend I don't have this emptiness eating away at me inside my chest. Pretend that I'm not so mentally fucked that I hear voices and hallucinate and have delusions and..." Realizing you were starting to rant and cry again, you lowered your face, taking yet another drink. You just fell silent, trying to bite your tongue, but when his hand reached over and squeezed yours, it began again.
"...hey, you know... I've always been attracted to people who abuse me. Two exes of mine, I...the first, he just treated me like some social token. I was just a partner he could show off. I wasn't sexual enough, I had too many problems. He...cheated on me a few times. And every time I tried to leave, suddenly he was the same guy I first met, and he'd put on this big act to guilt me into staying. Five years later he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and that's the end of it. Which was fine, I mean...he pushed me into my first serious suicidal breakdown, and I slowly began to fall out of love with him because of it." You didn't bother moving your hand away from the fire elemental's, opting to drain the rest of your glass before you continued.
"After him there was this girl...I loved her. More than anything in this world, I loved her, with every fiber of my being. And I gave her all of me, every bit of me. But she treated me so cold sometimes, and I'd tell myself, it's okay. It'll get better. I believed with everything I had things would always get better. And then she'd start to blame her problems on me. Say I was self centered for the very few times I truly opened up and vented to her. Told me I was abusive because of my mental illnesses, because I loved her too much. Y'know...she left me eight times, each time blaming me. And she'd come back, saying it wasn't me, that she did something wrong. I'd forgive her, tell her not to be sorry, that she was looking out for herself. And each time I would break myself apart and put myself back together to try and be the best possible person for her, to try and be what she wanted. I kept telling myself if I just tried hard enough, she'd think I was worth staying for, and she wouldn't keep throwing me away like garbage."
Grillby refilled your glass, and you drained half of it in one go, starting to feel warmer and hazier.
"There was this other girl that liked her, too. That constantly told her that she was in love with her and shit talked me. That girl would harass me and borderline stalk me online. But when I got upset and felt threatened by her, when I was afraid she would leave me for this other girl, I was the wrong one. Because they were friends, even if that girl constantly disrespected our relationship, disrespected me, and did horrible things and I had proof it was her...I was the wrong one for being angry and upset. I was wrong for being upset that some other girl was being put before me."
Eyes half lidded, you took another sip, vaguely aware of your dog nosing at your knee.
"I have feelings for Gaster. And I don't know if it's because I really am interested in him. Or if I'm just trying to go back to something familiar. I don't know how to be happy, Grillby. Everything...is so empty inside of me, and I've gotten very good at pretending otherwise. All I ever feel is sadness and anger and hurt, it's all I've ever known. Ever since I was a child, with everything that was being done to me for so many years...grew up and I went straight to people that only hurt me more. Hey...am I fucked up? Tell me, am I?" A slightly hysteric laugh bubbled from you, setting your glass aside and holding your face in your hands.
"Of course I'm fucked up. I hear shit. I see shit. I want people to hurt me because I don't like it when people treat me kindly. I hate it, did you know that? I hate it when people are nice. People are only nice when they want something. At least when people openly treat you like shit, you can't be surprised when they stick a knife in your back, you can't feel betrayed by it."
Pulling the tumbler back over, you drained it again.
"Hey, I want to die."
"...I know, [Y / N]." Grillby had drank his own at some point, though he quietly got up again, wrapping you back up in the blanket. "There are things that...I suspect you have gone through that...I would not wish upon my...worst enemies." Again, you were hoisted up, held bridal style. The motion caused a sense of nausea, though nothing too serious, and something at the back of your mind reminded you that you shouldn't be drinking at all on all the medications you were on. But it didn't really matter much to you, anyways. You'd drank before, and far more at that. Eyes closing and limply resting against the bartender, you didn't pay much mind as he carried you out, Lucifer once again following along.
"I wanna go back home, Grillby. I miss Gaster. I miss Sans and Papyrus...I miss my house...and I haven't even been away that long...they...all of them, as soon as I met them, they made me...Grillby, they make me feel happy. Even if what Gaster was doing was wrong, I was..."
"I know."
The next morning was oddly hangover free and met with coffee after Fuku had been seen off to school. Grillby sat across from you at the dining table, and you awkwardly avoided his gaze as you sipped on your drink. Your hair felt kinda gross, and you felt disheveled in general. A shower seemed like a pretty good idea. Though there was obviously things that needed to be talked about, despite your best efforts to try and forget how easily you'd broken down in front of him the night before. Awkwardly clearing your throat, you glanced out towards the balcony, fingertips twitching towards your pocket. Man did you want a cigarette. As if reading your thoughts, Grillby got to his feet, silently gesturing for you to follow him outside.
Sheepish at how easy to read you seemed to be, you obediently followed after the fire elemental, stepping outside and slightly shivering at the cool note the early morning air carried. Sliding your pack and lighter from your pocket, you quietly leaned against the guard railing and stared out over the city as you lit your smoke up, held without regard between your lips. "...hey, I am sorry for last night. I really am. It's just stress, a lot of stress, I guess. But thank you for listening and taking care of me. I don't...people don't do that for me, and I know I said I don't like it when it happens. But I don't think I mind it very much from you, you kinda put off a dad vibe in everything you do." It was a soft tease on your part, albeit genuine. His flames gave an amused flicker, coming to stand beside you.
Whatever silence had fallen between the two of you was comfortable, though eventually broken by the man. "I am going to assume you suffer from...a form of PTSD, among other things." Reaching over, Grillby tugged your cigarette from your mouth and placed it in his own, ignoring your pouty sort of whine. "I understand. While the causes and...perhaps even forms of it may differ...between us, I didn't live through the war between...our kinds without scars of my own. Trauma is...something very difficult to live with. I have...lived a very long life, and I have yet to...overcome a lot of mine. Many of those who served...under the king and myself are in the same boat." As it didn't seem like he was going to be handing your cigarette back to you, you listened in silence as you took another out for yourself—and you smiled just a tad when Grillby reached over with his hand to light it for you.
"Our society has always been a very accepting...and open one. Regardless of disabilities or...life style, beliefs, and orientations. But I...understand that humans haven't quite caught up...to us yet in that regard. While Gaster has done very...dangerous and wrong things in his life, I believe if...we both were to sit down with him and you were...to tell him more of your needs and requirements for your...safety and health, you may be surprised by how much...he is willing to work with you. To be frank, the fact that not only...he is living with you, but he allows his sons to be around you...speaks volumes of whatever impression you left on him. Gaster...hates humanity as a whole. Humans killed his wife, humans...imprisoned us, though even that was the least of...the horrors monster kind was subjected to...during the war."
A twinge of shame made its way through your system, along with disgust. Honestly, you'd always been very pro-equality in every aspect of life. For everybody, everything. It was just how you were, and it hurt to know you were part of a race that could do such evil things—even continued down such cruel and twisted paths today. But this wasn't about you, not entirely, and Grillby was trying to help you. So you would listen, even with how little he had said, you were slowly starting to understand a bit more. Taking another drag and flicking ash away from the end of your cigarette, you turned your body a bit more to watch the other.
"The fact he is living with you and...you mentioned that you were happy around him and his sons...before speaks volumes of whatever opinion Gaster must have...of you. You are quite the extraordinary...human. The only other I know of that he truly respects and can tolerate...being around is Frisk. But we all owe them quite...a lot. You have a heart similar to them, I think...not your soul, no. I imagine you have very different...souls. But your capacity to love and care for others...is the same. Don't try to tell me otherwise. You had only...worked a day with me when you told me you...would help me with my bar so that I wouldn't have to do...so much on my own. There are very few beings like you and Frisk...in this world, even among monsters. You have a natural warmth about you that draws people...in. Don't ever let someone make you into something cold, [Y / N], you have a heart...that is worth protecting and you deserve to be...happy."
Reaching over, his free hand gently clasped your shoulder.
"Someone like you won't hurt forever...I can promise you that. This world...rewards kindness and gentleness in due time, no matter...the circumstances you find yourself in. Good things come to good people, even if sometimes it doesn't...look like it works that way. I cannot say your mental illnesses will ever just...disappear. But I can say that you will find ways to cope...and that the pain will lessen with time. And that you will always have...at least one person who will support you." When Grillby squeezed your shoulder, you dropped your cigarette, turning to hug him tightly. Burying your face against his chest, you felt the elemental tense momentarily before relaxing, his arm moving to rest comfortably around your shoulders.
"I'm here for you, too, Grillby. If you ever need to talk or if you end up in a bad place, too, you can come to me too, okay? You can, you always can." Your arms tightened around him, and he seemed to briefly get just a touch warmer. "...thank you so much. I'm sorry I've been such a bother, I really am. And I'm sorry you'll have to help me talk to Gaster...but thank you. I don't really know what I would've ended up doing without you. I don't. And...I still...what I said last night hasn't changed any. I've felt that way for a very long time, but I haven't just given up yet. I promise I'll do my best not to give up." His own cigarette was put out, glowing fingers gently stroking through your hair. What did you do to deserve having someone like this enter your life? Someone you barely knew, someone who barely knew you, and yet this was coming naturally and easily. Having a friend like this...was going to help keep you alive, you could feel it somewhere inside of you, that he was going to be a new reason you held on whenever you found yourself spiraling out of control again.
"...thank you."
It took close to a week before you'd worked up the courage to pack your things back up and talk to Grillby about going back home. There was a lot of upset on Fuku's part, though you gave her your number and promised you'd come to visit often. And that she could always text you or call you if she wanted to talk about anything, or maybe just needed help with her homework. From what you could understand, the educational system in Underground hadn't been the best, but Fuku was doing her best to catch up to everybody on the surface. She was doing a pretty good job of it, too, and you could tell Grillby was proud of her for it. As he should be, she was a wonderful young woman, it was easy to see she'd be going places in life.
Still, the car ride back home brought a sense of terrible anxiety, and you found yourself frequently reaching towards the back seat just to rest your hand on Lucifer's head. You didn't expect the talk with Gaster to be anything but difficult, however necessary it may be to keep moving forward in your life. Quite frankly, you were still scared of the guy. He'd radiated nothing but bad vibes before, and then he proved he wasn't the best kind of person around. You were the one hurt for it and pushed into another meltdown. Though with any luck, Grillby was right, and setting clear boundaries may help the two of you get along better so far as his research went. Possibly even in your casual lives, too. But part of you was still beyond worried that it wouldn't work, that Gaster would be angry with you, and that things would get even worse. You didn't want things to get worse.
Though as Grillby pulled into your long driveway and you stared at your home, you knew you would PERSEVERE regardless of what came. You'd lived through things that could have, and should have, killed you. But you were still alive and breathing. Just a talk wouldn't bring you down, you knew you could do this. An odd sort of confidence took over, straightening your shoulders and taking in a deep breath, slowly exhaling as your friend parked and killed the engine. It was now or never. Giving Grillby a quick sideways glance and nervous smile, you unbuckled and slid out of the passenger seat, turning to open the back to let your service dog out. Pulling your cane from the back seat as well and bracing your weight on it, the bartender escorted you up to the front door, waiting patiently as you pushed it open.
"I'm home!" Looking around the foyer, your cane clicked softly over the hardwood flooring. You barely had enough time to brace for impact when a sudden blur rushed you, squeaking and dropping your cane as Papyrus eagerly lifted you off your feet. "YOU HAVE RETURNED!" Spinning around with you in his arms, the skeleton happily bumped his forehead against your own, giving one of his usual laughs. "I have. I missed you." Sighing, your arms wrapped carefully around his shoulders, returning the little head bump. Maybe that was how skeletons expressed affection? It had to be, seeing as the monster squeezed you tightly and gave another "NYEH HEH HEH!" Man, you missed his hyperactive mannerisms and personality. Peering over his shoulder, you offered Sans a smile as well, the short stack having lazily meandered his way over as well.
"Is your father down in the basement? I need to talk to him. Smooth things over again." Wiggling a bit to signal you wanted to be put down, the skeleton holding you set you back on the floor. Patting his hand in thanks, neither of them had a chance to reply. No, because Gaster was the next to enter the entrance hall, coffee in hand and expression cold.
He looked pissed.
"...I...uh. We need to, erh, we need to talk. Right now. Uhm, immediately, uh—Grillby is gonna help me talk. Uhm." You didn't like the look he was giving you, but as you made to step back to hide behind the fire elemental, a set of disjointed hands abruptly grabbed you and roughly brought you to his side. It was then you realized the look was directed at Grillby, as the hand that wasn't occupied by coffee sharply clutch you shoulder, arm resting against your back. Was that...jealousy? Seriously? This asshole really had the audacity to be jealous that you were spending time with someone else after what happened. Groaning, your hand would come up and drag down over your face. Figures, the mad scientist was just being clingy because someone else took his new pet project away for a while.
This was probably going to be the most awkward talk of your life.
[an] : awkwardly fingerguns at all of u. im super bad at updating which doesnt make much sense at all since i tend to write each chapter in like. one sitting. but i am going to try a lot harder to keep the updates coming. my health is still in murky waters right now, but i just wanted to be able to give you guys another chapter while i am feeling well enough to write. as always, please do leave a review! i know it seems fairly attention-grabby, but seeing feedback from all of you really does motivate me to keep writing and to keep updating this story. i look forward to moving through this story with all of you and getting to the eventual end! i have the plot all figured out, and ive actually got the storyline for another fic ready once this one is done (though it will be quite a handful of chapters before the end)! a grillster one, actually. my otp. my goopy void daddy and hot cheetoh puff man.