You decide not to 'come out' (as Kankri keeps calling it) until the end of the school year. It's only a few weeks away, and both your dad and Kankri agree that it'll give the entire summer for the hype of your revelation to wear off so by time you enter Middle School next year it'll be old news. Hopefully that means you won't get harassed quite as much. You're a bit disappointed this means you don't get to cut your hair for a while, but you agree that it's probably the best plan.
In the meantime to try to figure out how to tell Dave. You want to. You really do. So badly, but every time you're about to, it's like an invisible hand closes around your throat, and you think, no, it's not the right time. I'll tell him later. I don't want to ruin our fun right now.
And now that your family knows, it's glaringly obvious that Dave doesn't. Doesn't know or see you that way. He still hands you dandelions, face turning red so his freckles stand out. It makes an unknown snake inside your guts curl in on itself uncomfortably. Would he still treat you the same if he knew? Would you want him to?
At home your dad and brother are doing their best to support you. Kankri does a bit better than your dad, but they both slip up sometimes and still call you 'she' but you don't mind. The fact that they're trying means the world to you. It feels so right when they call you 'he.'
Because you are he.
You've always sort of known, but now that they treat you that way, you know.
When the evening before the last day of school does come around, you still haven't told Dave, and the snake in your gut coils around your intestines with guilt as you walk with your dad to the barber shop.
As you sit in the barber chair, you tell the hair lady that you wanna cut off all your hair to donate. She smiles and says that you're very generous and begins asking if you'd like a pixie cut or a bob. You flounder, try to explain that you want a boy's cut, and when she gives you a confused stare, your dad jumps in and says that it's only for now since you have a costume party at school to celebrate the end of the year. Immediately, the lady's expressions clears and happily begins showing you different boy cuts that you might like.
The fact that you have to lie to even have your hair cut the way you want hurts. But you hope once you actually look like a boy, people will just let you cut your hair like you want because then you will be a boy.
In the end you pick out a medium length boys cut - you're not sure if you could handle the shock of losing all your hair in one go. Your heart sputters in anticipation as the lady braids your hair to prepare if for donation, your lungs still as the scissors slick open and draw up to your braid.
You're kind of surprised at how quick it's over. Snip and the weight falls away and then the lady's moving to start styling what's left of your hair.
It's a bit of a shock to see how your face transforms as your hair takes its new shape. You're face looks rounder, softer like this and you balk, because you want to look stronger, harder. It takes a lot of convincing on your own part to keep that pesky little snake in your gut to come lunging forth with a vengeance.
Instead you focus on the way your hair stands up chaotically on end, no weight to hold it down anymore. You shake your head, and hold back a grin as you hair swishes lightly around you, and a bizarre, wonderful warmth builds in your chest as you think, this is a man's cut.
Your chest feels too small for the way your heart swells, and your eyes feel too wet for how happy you are.
You feel sick.
Dear God, what made you think this was a smart thing to do? Your stomach roils vengefully, your knees shake. You beg your bother to take you back home, you can't do this, you can't. He sighs, sad, and kneels down to stare at you eye to eye. He runs a hand through your short, fluffy hair, places his other hand on your new sweater.
(Old sweater. It was Kankri's. Yours now, your dad can't afford a whole new wardrobe for you. You don't complain. Most of Kankri's old clothes are big on you now, but you'll grow into them. It's fine.)
"You'll be fine," Kankri says. I'll be at the High School on the other end of the building. If anything happens, just go to the office and ask for me." He smiles at you. He's trying to look reassuring. He doesn't, but it's the thought that counts.
You nod and walk shakily towards the front door or the Elementary end of the building. It's your last day of Elementary school, your first day as a boy.
You think the snake in your gut bit you from the inside. There's poison in you now, but there's no going back.
Your dad already talked to the school. You'll be referred to as 'he' from now on. You'll be sorted in with the guys when separated by gender. You're lucky that your name was pretty gender neutral, enough so that you didn't feel the need to change it, so you won't have to worry about that like a lot of trans kids do. You'll be treated just the same as any other guy.
Well, almost. You'll have to use the single handicapped bathroom now. You'll have to change in the coaches' room during gym class. But it's better than nothing.
All you have to do is let your principle announce it at the end of year auditorium meeting. That's it. You don't have to say anything.
The day goes like any normal end of the school year day. All the kids are riled up, heads bloated with enthusiasm at the coming vacation. Dave is just as wound up, literally tackling you in the hall and excitedly asking if you can come over today or tomorrow. He says you can stay all week, and Bro might even drive you to a lake to go fishing, with actual worms and leeches.
You try to sound enthusiastic, but a knot of guilt builds behind your throat. You haven't told him. You should have told him.
It's too late now. He'll find out with everyone else. It's fine.
(No it's not. You still have a chance early in the day when he asks about your haircut. You don't take it.)
A part of you is glad that you don't have your last class with Dave, so you don't have to sit next to him in the auditorium as you all gather in. Part of you wishes he was sitting next to you, if not to hold your fingers tight to stop their shaking.
Most of the meeting has nothing to do with you. It's the usual, have fun over summer, make good choices, awards for attendance or student of the year. But you don't hear most of it, your thoughts are too loud to take in anything else.
The second you hear your name everything zooms into painful clarity. The way your principle flips the paper in front of her over, the way the student in the seat next to you looks curiously at you as your name is announced, the way your heart throbs painfully in your temples.
The actual announcement is brief, no more than a few sentences as the principle gives a simplified version of your situation, and that students are expected to treat you like any other male classmate. And then she's moving on to the next topic, which you of course don't hear over the roar of your blood pounding in your ears. You do manage to hear the confused whispering going across the audience when she finishes your part of the announcement.
The meeting ends with a cheer as kids impatiently make their way out of the auditorium so meet the sweltering summer heat outside.
You feel a bit numb, your insides buzzing with leftover nerves. It wasn't as bad as you thought it'd be. It was worse than you'd hoped.
You know you need to find Dave, you know it, but you still end up at the place you meet Kankri to bring you home instead.
Your heart nearly stops when you see Dave standing there instead.
"Hi, Dave," you say nervously, wrap your fingers painfully tight around the straps of your backpack as you walk up to him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Dave yells, before you can try to say anything.
"I wanted to!" You attempt defensively. "I was just scared-"
"Of what? Don't you trust me?"
"Yes!" You shout back, face burning, stomach churning. "I do!"
"Then why?" His voice cracks. Your heart does the same.
"I don't know!" You say, your own voice breaking around a sob. "I meant to! You're my best frien-"
"Apparently not!" he shouts and pushes you hard in the shoulders, hard enough you stumble back a few feet so you won't fall over. "Best friends mean we're supposed to tell each other everything."
"I'm sorry," you say brokenly.
"No, I'm sorry that apparently I'm not good enough for you. That I'm not your best friend!"
Your lungs die. Your voice is nothing more than a whisper. "Dave, please."
"No! You know what? Fuck you!"
You're frozen, immobile, numb, overloaded. You can't manage to do anything as he stomps the ground, then turns on his heel to run away from you.
You can't stop sobbing even when Kankri arrives. Not even when you get home. Not ever when your dad wraps his strong arms around you, rocking you like he did when you were a baby.
...I really didn't want to write this part. But it had to happen.