SM Owns
Oh, The heartfail is strong in this one...
Chapter 10: Cherry Bombs
BPOV
As soon as Edward notices my tears he ends the phone call with Kate.
"Listen, Kate...now isn't a good time. I'm with my girlfriend...Very happy...Sure..." He hangs up in a rush, not even saying goodbye.
"Iz?" He comes over and kneels in front of me. "I'm sorry..." he begins. This is the moment I see how truly screwed I am. It plays out like a movie in my mind.
"Bella," I blurt out, raising my head to look him in the eye. "I hate being called Isabella. Just Bella, please." He looks at me in confusion.
"I'm Bella Swan. I live at the Twilight Hotel with my mom. I have an older brother named Emmett. My birthday is September thirteenth, nineteen-ninety-three." He shakes his head and backs away, a look of disgust on his beautiful face.
"Izzy...I'm sorry," he repeats. I haven't spoken to him since before the phone call. I made no big revelation. None of those words left my mouth.
They should. I should force them out but the thought of that makes my stomach feels queasy. I don't have the guts to say those words. The truth. It will set me free, right? Unfortunately, it will also doom me. I can't believe this is happening.
When he goes home...he will call me and I will be the one to ignore him. To break his heart. I already have, he just doesn't know it yet. I realize now that I have to let him go.
I stand up, looking only at my feet as I back away from him. "I need space," I say barely loud enough for him to hear. Then I slowly raise my eyes to his.
"Space?" he questions.
I don't trust my voice so I just nod.
"Why? Because Kate called? Because of my mother?" he asks, rising from the ground and stepping toward me.
I lift my hand, palm forward, to stop him from coming any closer. "I'm afraid of what I have done."
"You haven't done anything, Iz." I can tell he is trying very hard to keep his voice calm.
I laugh darkly. "You have no idea."
Edward throws his hands in the air, probably in exasperation. "I can't keep doing this with you. It's like a roller coaster! Are you ever going to let me in?"
I drop my eyes back to my feet. "It would only hurt you more if I did."
"Why don't you let me decide if that's true?"
The words play over in my mind. Words that would explain who I really am. I'm Bella Swan. I'm seventeen. Just say it out loud, Bella. No matter how much I try, I just can't.
"Because you'll hate me," I choke out.
"I'm not playing games here, Isabella. But you..." Edward trails off shaking his head.
"Just...enjoy the rest of the summer. Go back home and live your life. All of this here," I wave my arm in a sweeping motion around our surroundings, "it isn't good for you. I'm no good for you," I finish, pointing at my chest. Every word is the truth. I can ruin him. I may have already.
Edward looks defeated. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
Again, I can only nod.
The drive back to the town house is silent. I stare out the window so I won't be tempted to confess my sins. When we reach the house, I head directly to Edward's room in order to pack up my things. In a last act of preservation I allow myself to take his high school t-shirt. I may be letting him go but I desperately need something of his to hold on to.
Just as I finish packing Edward walks quietly into his room. "Why are you doing this, Iz?" It comes out as barely a whisper.
I feel my chin quiver and my eyes sting as they fill with tears. I swipe at the moister with my hand before I look up at him and answer. "So you won't hate me. I can't bear the thought of you hating me, and after all that talk about it not being the right time with Kate...well, it's not the right time for us either."
"When will the right time be?" I still my movements when he comes to stand close to me. He takes my hand and places it over his heart. "If you tell me then I'll wait for you."
"I have a lot going on this year, with school, with family, and I wanted to do more." Like go to college, I think to myself. "I can't get out of my commitments this year, but I'd give up the rest of next summer for you." The rest, as in the portfolio I have been working on for the past year to get into an awesome art school.
"You don't have to give up anything for me, Iz," Edward pleads.
"I do. It wasn't right to let myself get so involved. There are reasons I didn't want to fall in love." I put a few more things in my bag before turning quickly to head into the bathroom. I need to take a few deep breathes and collect myself. Once in there I see the toothbrush Edward bought for me. I'm sure he doesn't want to wake up and look at it the rest of the summer, so I toss it in the trash.
I sit down on the edge of the jacuzzi tub and look around, remembering all the tender moments I shared with this man. All the love he showed me. All the love that I sabotaged with the lies that I told from day. I remind myself that he is going to be a high school teacher. He can't date a high school student. I can't ruin him before he even begins.
When I gather the courage to go back into the bedroom, Edward isn't there. The green shell is resting on top of my bag.
Edward's family looks at me sadly when I finally walk down the stairs. The way Alice looks makes me want to cry even more. What can I say after today's fiasco? "It was really nice meeting all of you. I'm very sorry..." I say while looking down at the floor.
Edward's mother walks to me, places her hands on my arms and sincerely tells me she didn't mean to upset me by talking about Kate. I give her a small smile. "Thank you, but this has nothing to do with Kate." More tears sting my eyes, but I continue my explanation. "This is about who I am right now." I know it makes no sense to any of them. Not even Edward.
Esme gives me a weak hug before I turn to look at Edward. His jaw is tense and his hands are shoved in his pockets. He holds the door open for me and me outside. "Izzy, whatever it is, we can talk about it and figure it out. I'm not fucking Alex..."
"Shhh," I say as I gently place my fingers over his lips. He looks away as a tear slides down his cheek. "It's more than Alex. It's so much more that I don't even know where to begin." I know it's selfish of me not to tell him even though I am ending our relationship anyway. I just can't bear the thought of him looking at me in disgust, even though I do deserve it. It's better this way. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have.
"Just be happy," I tell him.
He finally looks back at me. He pulls me into a tight hug and says, "That's not going to happen without you," and he sobs against my shoulder. I claw at the back of his shirt, holding on as tight as I can for this last moment. He pulls back and takes my face in his hands as if it's the most precious thing in his world. He brushes his thumbs over my wet cheeks, and then he leans down and kisses me. Hard. His tongue is rough in my mouth. I cling to his sides as I feel the wetness of his tears slide from his cheeks onto mine.
I have to break the kiss as my emotions become more than I can control. I fling open my car door as Edward steps back. He puts his hands back in his pockets, and watches from the side of the road as I drive away.
I cry the entire way home but I try to compose myself before I go inside our apartment. Just outside the door I stop to take a few deep breathes, trying to work up the nerve to walk inside. I only need to make it to my room then I can fall apart again. Drawing on ever last bit of strength I have I clutch my bag, hold my breath and I walk inside, head down.
"Well, hello young lady. I just had a very nice chat with Melanie," my mom says in mock sweetness. I realize she knows. Jessica's mom has told her that I haven't been spending the nights at her house. In other words, I'm busted, but right now I couldn't care less.
I look up at her and the smug smile drops from her face. She can see I have been crying. "Bella? Oh, no!" She comes to me and wraps me in a hug. Once I feel her comforting arms I can't stop myself from sobbing openly. After a moment, she pulls me to the couch and holds me, soothing me but also letting me cry.
I don't understand why she is behaving like this, why she isn't yelling at me for lying. As we sit together I manage to mumble, "Don't tell Em. Please."
"I didn't want you to get hurt like this, Bella," Mom says as she softly strokes my hair. Neither did I. Of course, I never imagined I'd actually fall in love.
I spend the next few days are curled up in bed, crying and feeling sick to my stomach. I finally unpack the bag finally after three days, leaving the green shell on my dresser with a pile of other shells Edward picked for me over the summer. He knows how I like to use them to make the picture frames.
I decide that's what I should do to pass the time so I open my phone and flip though the pictures. I come across a picture of Edward that takes my breath away. His smile is big and his eyes are alive, full of love and laughter. It's one that I took when he was being all goofy outback of his house. The boys were drinking beers while Alice and I had wine coolers. Edward had just changed the ring tone on my phone to "Just the Way You Are" to alert me whenever he called. I snapped a picture of him with the phone when he tossed it back to me. I print out the picture, place it a frame, and start to decorate it with Edward's shells. When I get to the green one, I can't bring myself it put it on the frame. I sit it right beside the framed picture though.
My mom notices the picture but she doesn't say anything. I can't tell her how much I appreciate the fact that she doesn't try to cheapen my feelings for him.
Later, as I flip through my phone to pass the time, I come to the picture of the cherry blossoms that Edward painted on my side. Next thing I know, I am standing on the boardwalk outside Oxygen Tattoo. It wasn't easy getting there. My heart aches with all the memories I hold of Edward under the boardwalk. I could only make it here for him...or us. Me. I just don't want to ever forget the beauty he created on my skin, inside my soul.
The fake ID works again like a charm, and it takes two very painful sessions to complete the cherry blossoms that Edward created down my right side. The guy tells me the rib cage is the most painful place to get a tattoo. Better the physical pain that the hurt in my heart and mind.
The finished product is perfect though. I kept it covered until it was complete but then I gave up trying to hide it from my mother. What was she going to do? It's not like I can get rid of it now.
She always surprises me. Once she gets over the initial shock, she loves the tattoo, admires it even. She remembers I had something similar painted there before. I tell her I was trying it out to see if I wanted to make it permanent. She doesn't need to know Edward painted it on me. In the end, she likes it so much that she goes to get one of her own, a small butterfly on her shoulder.
Emmett. Well, he thinks I have lost my mind. He doesn't like the placement, especially since it's obvious that the tattoo covers part of the side of my breast, all the way to below my hip bone. He doesn't like the permanence either. He thinks I should have just pierced something, like my tongue or my eyebrow. Holes will close, but this isn't going anywhere.
I try to act normal when Emmett and Rose are around, which isn't too hard with Emmett bitching about my tattoo every time I put on my bikini. I always know when they go hang out with Alice and Jasper. Rose doesn't speak to me about Edward anymore. I'm sure she knows I ended things and doesn't want to pour salt in the wound.
Riley comes over one day to try to cheer me up. He wants me to go to the beach with him, but I can't do that. We sit at the hotel pool instead.
As I squint against the sun Riley asks, "Have you heard from him?"
I don't really want to talk about this but I guess it's unavoidable. "No. He hasn't called or anything."
What he says next doesn't surprise me. "His sister came to the cabana...said he went back to Chicago with they're parents." I knew he was gone. I could feel it. Riley only confirmed it for me.
"It's better this way, Bells. I know it hurts, but at the end of the day you can't change the fact that you are still in high school. Sometimes the only solution is to wait."
Does he think hearing it out loud makes it any easier?
UtB
The summer passes and I slowly begin to laugh again. I still haven't gone back to the beach but Riley comes over every day. It's one of these days, when we find ourselves horsing around, that things come to a head.
Riley jumps in the pool, canon ball style. My mom is all strict with the no jumping rule, but for Riley, she looks the other way. He lands close to me, and I hit him for splashing me with water, then send a spray of water toward his face with my hands. He grabs my hand and pulls me closer. The smile leaves my face, as his lips tentatively meet mine. I pull away.
"I'm not...over him," I warn quietly.
He looks wounded. "You weren't over Alex last summer either."
"I didn't love Alex."
He doesn't kiss me again during our time together. I know he wants to. I've known Riley long enough that I can read it in his eyes. He tells me all I have to do is ask, let him know when I'm ready, but I don't think I ever will.
Labor Day weekend comes and there are plans for a huge bonfire…on the beach. Riley makes me go even though I'm really not up for it.
We hold hands as we walk onto the beach. We are greeted with hugs and red cups full of beer. The keg is under the boardwalk. Everyone is excited because it's the last party before senior year. They are excited for the year to begin and I just want the year to be over. Maybe once it's over I can tell Edward the truth. I won't be a high school girl anymore and if he can forgive me, then maybe we can find a way to make things work. It's the only hope I hold onto.
When the atmosphere becomes more than I can stand, I leave Riley and walk to 'our' spot for the first time in almost a month. Once there I gaze the heart, then trace the letters. The I. The E. I really shouldn't be down here, but I need to find some way to be close to Edward.
After a short while I return to the party with the intent to lose myself. I'm going to live it up and take my mind off my heartache. I chug beers and take gulps off the bottle of vodka being passed around. I dance by the fire with Jessica and Lauren as the buzz takes over my body. I feel someone press up against me as I dance. I quickly glance over my shoulder and smile as I realize it's Riley.
"The summer is over," I slur, leaning into my friend.
"Yup," is his only response.
"School starts in like five days," I announce, holding up four fingers.
"Something like that," Riley chuckles.
I walk sideways and bump into him. His hand reaches out and steadies me. "Time to stick a fork in you Bells. I think you're done for the night," Riley says as he leads me away from the chaos.
As he helps me in his car I decide the night it too young to end. "Take me to Keenan's."
"Bella..." he starts to protest.
"They know me. They will let you in. Let's go." I see his hesitation. "Now, Riley," I demand.
"Okay, Bella. Whatever you want," he says, sarcasm clear in his voice. He doesn't believe they'll let us in but he thinks he is appeasing me anyway.
When we do arrive at Keenan's the bouncer, whose name is Felix, lets us in with a smile. I turn and give Riley a look that is supposed to convey a 'told you so' attitude. Then I look around the room, almost expecting to see him.
Riley gently places his hand on my arm. "He isn't here, Bella." Why does he look heartbroken?
"I know," I snap at him. I know he doesn't deserve it, but I can't help myself.
I notice Jasper behind the bar, pouring drinks, and walk toward him. "Can a girl say goodbye or do you hate me?" I ask him.
"Izzy! Shit, I didn't expect to see you again." He gives me his signature smile and comes out from behind the bar to hug me.
"When do you leave?" I ask as he lets go.
"Tomorrow night. Alice is at the house packing," he states matter-of-factly.
My smile falters. "She hates me, doesn't..." I trail off.
"No one hates you, Iz. Why don't you let me buy you a drink," Jasper offers politely.
"Thanks, but Bella's had plenty to drink," Riley cuts in, putting his arm around my shoulder.
I shrug him off. "If I want another drink, I can have another drink," I reply curtly, glaring at my friend. I turn back to Jasper with the smile back on my face. "Captain and Coke?" I ask sweetly. I'm starting to think I might have a split personality.
"Sure thing," Jasper answers with a small nod before he walks back behind the bar to pour my drink.
I turn to the touch screen jukebox on the bar top and start pressing through songs. I steal a dollar from Riley's pocket and play the one song that can break my heart. I see him in my mind's eye, playing and singing to me under the boardwalk. I hum along until the last verse. Hearing the words makes me want to curl into the fetal position and stay like that forever.
"We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun you're mine all mine. Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love. When the moon is low, we can dance in slow motion and all your tears will subside. All your tears will dry and long after I've gone, you'll still be humming along and I will keep you in my mind. The way you make love so fine. We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun you're mine all mine..."
"Why do you do this to yourself, Bells?" Riley asks, wiping a few tears from my cheeks. I can't believe I've just become the drunken crying girl at the bar. This is a new low for me.
Jasper sees my tears and comes over. "Edward?" I finally eek out.
Jasper just shakes his head. "If you want to know, call him. He'd want to hear from you," he encourages.
I nod and avert my eyes to the bar top. I think Jasper knows I won't call. I suck down the drink and ask Jasper for another.
Soon Jasper and I start downing what he calls 'cherry bombs'. It's made with Red Bull and Cherry Vodka. They are so good.
"I'm really mad right now. Edward never made me this," I say, downing the third, or is it fifth shot. Eh, who's counting?
"Please, flag her," Riley pleads.
"She seems fine to me," Jasper says with a shrug. "Izzy, you okay?"
"Bella," I answer, jerking my head up to look him in the eye. He looks confused. "My name is Bella. That was the first lie I told him. I hate being called Isabella or Izzy." I stop and will the tears to stay at bay. "I miss him calling me Izzy though." My voice cracks.
Jasper looks at me sadly and I suddenly feel the need to leave. I turn to Riley. "We can go. Let's go," I say as I hop off the bar stool. Well, it's really more like I fall off the bar stool. Riley has to catch me before I hit the ground. I'm so drunk I can hardly stand.
I notice the glare that Riley sends Jasper. "What's the damage?" he asks Jasper, holding me up and awkwardly trying to reach his wallet in his back pocket at the same time.
Jasper waves him off. "It's on me."
"Please, don't do me any favors," Riley bites at Jasper's response. Riley's being sarcastic because he asked Jasper to cut me off. Now my buddy is stuck with a very drunk Bella.
Riley finally fishes out his wallet, takes out a wad of money, and throws at least a hundred dollars down on the bar. As we move toward the exit it becomes clear that I can't walk a straight line so Riley picks me up and slings me over his shoulder. I feel him pull down my short skirt to protect my modesty. This is what a friend does for you.
"WAIT!" I hear Jasper call when we get outside. Riley stops and waits. "Is this how she's been since she broke up with him?"
"If by this, you mean a sloppy drunk, then the answer is no. It's usually more like the walking dead. Tonight's the first night I got her to come out and socialize. I thought it would be good for her," Riley answers, again heavy on the sarcasm.
"You thought bringing her here would be good for her?" Jasper questions, shocked.
"No. This was her idea, but I can't argue with her sober, let alone when she's already drunk."
Everything is spinning. I don't feel well all of a sudden. "PUT ME DOWN, RILEY!" I yell. Luckily, he listens because the minute my feet hit the ground I start to throw up in street.
I should say things to Jasper. Good things like…have a safe trip home…tell Alice...well, I don't know what to have him tell Alice. The problem is that I'm way too plastered to give them a proper goodbye, so I just wave him off as I throw up again.
When I finally straighten up it's just Riley and me. "Bella, you know I love you, girl, but if you puke in my car..." Riley warns helping me into the car seat. He hands me a bottle of water, and I chug it down.
I make it home without violating his car but I don't stop throwing up. Not just that night, or the next day, or the day after that either.
"Bella, are you going to be okay to go to school tomorrow?" my mom asks. "You have been awfully sick."
"I'm fine. It's just stress..." I trail off. This isn't new to me. My mom made me take dance classes as a child. Whenever I had a recital, I would throw up because I was so nervous.
She looks at me like she doesn't quite believe me, hands me some money, and tells me to get whatever I need for school. The money is usually for new clothes but I don't have the will to get a new wardrobe this year. Shopping usually helped me get over people like Alex, but a trip to Atlantic City was not going to help cure my aching heart this time. With the beginning of senior year looming on the horizon, my encounter with Jasper, and realizing just how much I still love Edward, I have been an emotional wreck lately.
I'm surprised when the doorbell rings a bit later. I open the door to find Lucas, whose family runs the Mango Motel, on the other side. He graduated with Emmett but they weren't very close. Emmett was a jock while Lucas was more of a stoner. I haven't seen him in a long time and I'm confused as to why he would be here now.
"Bella?" he asks. It would appear that I'm not the only one who is surprised.
"Hey," I greet with the best smile I can muster.
"This package came over to Mango for you," he says as he blatantly looks me up and down. "Wow, Bella. You sure have grown up," he leers.
"Oh...thanks. I guess the mailman screwed up." I shrug and take the package.
"Yeah, or the person just had no idea where you lived, 'cause it was hand delivered to Mango." He explains.
In that moment I know the package is from Edward. I thank Lucas again before I quickly shut the door. I feel sick to my stomach again and no one should be subject to that.
I open the package and CD with the words 'PLAY ME' written across its face falls into my hand. What comes next doesn't even qualify as a letter. It's more like a note.
"Iz, the last month has been hell. I want to figure this out. Please come to our spot tonight at nine. I love you. Edward"
The note is attached to a sketch. Of me. I have never thought of myself as beautiful, but in this picture, Edward makes me feel like I am.
I put in the CD in the player. The voice that drifts from the speakers is Edward's, not Bruno Mars. It's not the whole song either, but I guess it's the part that means the most to him.
"She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same..."
EPOV
I watch Izzy's car as she leaves. I actually continue standing beside the road long after the tail lights are gone.
"Edward," Alice says, putting her hand on my shoulder. She takes one look at my face, and wraps herself around me in a comforting embrace. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she says.
After a few minutes, her arms loosen just a bit and she looks up at my face again. "What happened?"
I shake my head. "She...she needs time."
"So give her time, Edward. She loves you, I know she does," Alice reassures. I nod because I know she does, too. I just don't understand why she's fighting it.
I resolve that if time is what Izzy needs, then time is what I will give her. It's not easy though. I have to numb myself and try not to thinking about anything for the next few days.
I work a couple nights at the bar; almost praying she'll come in while I'm there. It takes everything I have not to go to 'our' spot. I know if I break down and do that I'll definitely want to call her. I resist the urge to do anything that will remind me of her.
Esme thinks Izzy's reaction has something to do with her, so Mom obviously feels guilty. My parents do their best to help me and offer advice during this time. I decide the best thing for me to do is to go back to Chicago with them. I leave the day after them.
It's weird being back in Chicago with my parents. I go through all of the motions of daily life. I even call a few of dad's friends and contacts who teach looking for an opportunity. Mostly, my days are spent drawing and trying not to think of chocolate eyes and soft skin. I always fail miserably. I wonder if she still thinks about me, and if she does then why hasn't she called. Then I wonder if I should call her. I miss her so much.
I'm out taking care of some errands one day when I run into Peter and Randall, two of my best friends from high school. They tell me about the bar they own and I almost ask for a job. Ultimately, I don't because I'm not sure I could make a captain and coke for any other girl.
I start hanging out with them every night just to break the monotony. I turn down every offer I get, whether it be for a phone number, a cup of coffee, or a flat out invitation to go back to their place and have 'fun'. It isn't the same. All I can think about is what will happen when Izzy and I do get back together.
It's during one of these nights I find Peter laughing at me. "Dude! You turned down that! Did you see the tits on her?" He hits me on the chest as the second girl of the night walks away. Her hair was too curly, too red. Her tits, though nice, were too big.
I just shrug. "Not my type," I say, downing my beer and reaching for another one.
"You have a type, E?" he asks curiously.
"Not really. There's only one person I'll ever want." He doesn't push the topic, which is for the best. I'm wasted so I'd probably sing like a canary, and I really don't want to talk about my failed relationship.
By the end of the night I'm too drunk to even walk the half of mile home, so Peter invites me to crash at his apartment. His wife Charlotte is there to greet us. I remember them dating in high school, so they've been together forever and I remember thinking she was really nice. I missed their wedding because I was in Europe, but she hugs me like no time has passed at all. I notice her full, round stomach and ask about her due date. She tells me how excited she is to meet their daughter, Maggie. I drunkenly mumble out that I'm happy for them and I can't wait to meet Maggie either.
I fall asleep on the pullout couch. Well, pass out might be a better descriptor.
I wake up at eight in the morning to the sound of my phone ringing. It's is too early to be awake when it feels like something has died in my mouth but I grab for the phone, trying to answer. I'm too late and the call goes to voice mail.
It takes a minute for me eyes to adjust. I'm immediately awake when I recognize the New Jersey area code. My heart swells at the possibility that Izzy is calling. I'm pretty crushed when I realize it isn't her…until I hear the message.
"Hello, Edward. This is Marcus from Wildwood High School. After careful consideration, we have decided to offer you the position. Please call me back as soon as possible."
I listen to the message, once...twice. I call Alice and Esme for advice.
Alice just yells at me. "Call him back stupid! He'll want to know when you can get there."
I call him back and tell him I'm in currently Chicago, his first question is how soon can I get back.
"A week," I reply eagerly. "I can be there in a week."
Carlisle is ecstatic. Esme keeps telling me that it's a wonderful opportunity. All I can think is that I hope once Izzy finds out that I'm staying in Wildwood permanently, that she'll let me into her life.
Jasper and Alice call to say they'll be home three days before I leave for Wildwood. Alice asks if I've heard from anything from Izzy. I tell her no and listen to her disappointed sigh. Alice shares that she has a bad feeling and encourages me to contact her.
"I know how to get her attention. You should make some grand gesture," Alice teases. "Send her four dozen roses. Oh, I know. Send her a flock of pigeons."
"Pigeons?" I laugh.
"Fine. Doves, but that a bit more predictable," she adds.
"Thanks for the ideas Alice, but Izzy is better than roses or some silly gesture," I say.
"It was just a thought," she mumbles.
I spend the next two days packing and working out all the details. I don't have much other than my clothes, my guitars, and art supplies. My dad and I also work out monthly rent for the townhouse. He lost three thousand dollars a week letting us stay there this summer. I don't expect free housing, but knowing that I will have to pay almost three thousand a month is a hard pill to swallow. Thankfully, my salary is enough to cover it; otherwise I'd be looking for an apartment.
I constantly try to think of something that will make Izzy see just how much she means to me. Peter and I are on the way to his house when inspiration hits. Just the Way You Are is playing on the radio, and I happen to glance up at the rear view mirror and see my sketchpad in the back seat.
Instead of hanging out with Peter, I offer my most polite brush off. He can see that something big is running through my head and lets me go without a fight.
I rush home and pull out my old recording equipment. Back in high school I would record myself singing or playing the piano in hopes of sending it off to snag a record deal. Peter, Randall and I even tried to form a band. I get a good laugh over the memories.
One thing I never thought I'd use the equipment for was to win back the love of my life.
I don't realize how late it is until Esme comes to my room. She knocks on the door before opening it and leaning in. "What are you doing holed up in here?" she laughs as she walks toward me.
I shrug. "I talked to Alice about Isabella the other day and she mentioned something about a grand gesture. I guess that is what I'm doing." I wave my hand in the direction of the recording equipment.
She gives me an encouraging smile before asking, "Are you okay? I mean, really okay, Edward?"
"Some days I am, some not so much. I miss her so much, Mom. I just feel like something is gone and I need to get it back."
"I hope you do," she whispers, kissing the top of my head. "I'm so proud of you. Always have been."
I'm moved by her warm words so I lean over and hug her. "Thanks, Mom."
"Now, the real reason I came up here." Mom takes a deep breath before continuing. "I wanted to warn you that Alice is convinced that you need a party."
I groan. Alice's parties are always too big.
Mom runs her hand through my hair. The gesture always did soothe me. "Shush, now. I told her I'd help so you'll have to humor us. You're not just going away for the summer, you know."
"Yes, I know. I also know I'm not shipping off to the Antarctic, either."
She gives me a smile and squeezes my hand before leaving the room. Once the door closes I start recording again. I'm frustrated because I can't quite get the song right. I suddenly picture Izzy rolling her eyes, hitting me in the arm, and telling me I'm perfect at everything so I should stop trying so hard.
I finally get what I feel is good and burn it on a CD. Next I grab my sketch pad and look through the numerous pictures I've drawn of her. I find the one I like best, the one I know she'd like best, fold it, and put it in an envelope with the disc.
Alice calls a bit later to double check that I'm still picking them up from the airport tomorrow. "Oh, Jasper has something to tell you. Hang on one second." I hear Jasper's muffled curse through the line and then Alice whispering.
"Tell him," I hear demand. Then grumbling as Jasper picks up the phone.
"Hey bro," he say, stalling.
Unfortunately, I don't feel up to dancing around things tonight. "What's going on? Just tell me, Jasper."
He takes a deep breath and begins. "I saw her last night, at the bar. She was a wasted mess, man." Of course I know who he's talking about even though he doesn't say her name.
I run a hand through my hair in worry. "What happened? Who was she with?" I ask.
"Uh, that Riley guy..." he answers. I growl into the phone. Of course he was there. "To his credit, he was trying to get her out of there. He was pissed that she kept drinking. She looked sad and I didn't know what to do, Edward. I feel like I should have talked her into calling you or something."
"It's okay, Jasper." I don't know what else to say to him. A million different things run through my head. She was with Riley, and she was drunk. She has to be spending more time with him now. She thinks she's safe because she's with someone who will always be there for her.
If only she knew that I was coming home for good.
Jazz and I finish our conversation and say bye. Before I can hang up, Alice gets the phone again.
"Don't forget about your party tomorrow," she reminds me in a bubbly voice. She emailed me all of the details so I don't need to ask any questions. The party will be at a local restaurant, my favorite in all of Chicago actually. She didn't invite many people, but so far thirty had responded that they would attend.
Before falling asleep I wonder what Izzy will say when she finds out I will be staying in the area. What if this is a mistake. Not a very pleasant thought to end the day on.
UtB
I head to the airport at around noon and I'm waiting for them when their plane lands at one o'clock. Alice throws herself at me and hugs me like she hasn't seen me in two years instead of four weeks. We chat in the car and I drop them off at their apartment before I head back to my parents' house.
Later that evening I find myself dressed and wait for my parents so we can head to the party. Dad comes downstairs and stands next to me by the bar. I look at him; really look at him for the first time in days. I haven't seen much of him recently. He's been working crazy hours at the hospital and he looks tired tonight. "You need to take some time off. Your schedule has to be wearing you down."
"You sound like your mother. I'm fifty, son. I'm supposed to look tired and worn out," he laughs.
He's always been carefree. "I'm serious, Dad. Take care of yourself, and Mom." My dad is great. He's been my best friend and my mentor.
He notices my demeanor and lack of humor. "You okay, son?" he asks seriously. I just nod.
Dad steps over and gives me a tight hug. As he holds me he says, "I know you're nervous, but you'll do great . Call us if you need anything and we'll be there as fast as we can."
"Thanks, Dad." It's good to know people love you and support you, even into adulthood.
The clicking of heels on the tile floor alert us to Mom's entrance before she can see our moment. She'll be upset if she cries, and we don't want any part of that.
"Ready?" she asks, kissing Dad on the cheek. Seeing my folks together like this gives me hope for my future. Maybe forty years from now Izzy and I will be just as happy.
We reach Excalibur and I'm blown away by the way Alice has the event room decked out. She's definitely outdone herself this time.
Two hours pass and the party is winding down. Alice made a speech and Mom cried, just like I knew she would. Randall and I head out to the back patio so he can have a smoke. I tell him all about Izzy while we enjoy the evening and he wishes me the best of luck.
"When you get her to pop out a kid, you better name it after me," he laughs.
I punch him in the arm, but his words make me stop and think. I really hope going back to Wildwood doesn't blow up in my face.
We're the only ones on the patio, but the door suddenly opens and I hear a familiar voice. The voice belongs to a person I haven't seen in months. I didn't expect to see this person tonight either.
"Hey," Kate says in greeting.
"Hey," I answer. She looks different than she did the last time I saw her. Her hair isn't as blonde as it once was. It actually has a hint of red now. Loose curls frame her oval face. I watch as she tucks a curl behind her ear, and her hazel eyes glance between Randall and I.
Randall takes the hint. "Uh... I'll just be..." he says pointing toward the door before slipping inside.
"I don't want to keep you long. I know you don't want to see me, but I wanted to say that I'm happy for you, Edward," she says, grabbing my hand. It's a touch that used to set me on fire.
Of course, that was before she burned me for good.
"Thanks, Katie." She smiles at the old nickname. She hated being called that. I may have used it specifically for that reason.
She raises her hand to my cheek. "Just be happy, Edward," she says, and then she slips back inside.
I give myself a moment and then walk back inside. I didn't want to deal with Kate tonight, but I feel lighter after our brief encounter.
Alice runs over to me immediately. I can tell she's in a panic. "Are you okay? I had to invite her, but I never thought she'd actually show up. It's hard with Mom being so close her mother, ya know?"
"Breathe, Ali," I chuckle. "It's okay and she's gone now."
She smiles at me. "Really? That's awesome!"
As the last people filter out at the end of the evening, my family and Jazz sit to enjoy the quite. As predicted, Mom is a complete crying mess. The fact that she's had a lot of wine doesn't exactly help the situation.
"One last toast, and then we can go home," Alice exclaims.
"You sure, Ali? Your last one made Momma Es lose it," Jasper laughs. Esme playfully hits him on the chest and laughs along.
"You've worked so hard, Edward. You're the best at what you do, and you're going to teach some kid how to be the next Picasso. I love you, big brother. Here's to you. I hope you get your Izzy back." We lift our glasses for the last time, and without warning Alice flings herself at me for a huge hug.
I smile, hoping I manage to get Izzy back, too.
UtB
I say goodbye to Esme and Carlisle in the morning, promising to call them often and to see them for Thanksgiving. The fourteen hour drive is excruciating, but worth it. I get there at about ten pm, driving straight to the house. I park my car in the garage and head straight to my room, calling my folks and Alice to let them know I got in safely on the way.
I head to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As I look around I notice Izzy's shampoo is still in the shower. That sight makes me want to call her. I even contemplate going to the hotel to see her, but I'm completely exhausted. I finally convince myself to wait and follow the plan. I crawl into bed and pass out almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I wake up at eleven the next morning and start unpacking. After several hours of work I spot the package for Izzy sitting on my desk. I grab a pen to write a quick note, which asks her to meet me in our spot at nine. It's four right o'clock right now. I need to leave now if I want to make sure she gets the package in time.
I drive to the hotel, trying to contain my pent up energy. As I pull up to the hotel I feel so close to her. I don't see her car so I just drop the package off up front.
I'm very restless as I wait for the day to pass. I look at the clock countless times before I finally decide to get ready for the evening. I'm showered and ready by eight so I go ahead and set my plan in motion.
On the way I stop at the florist and grab a cherry blossom branch. I'm still there five minutes early, so I use the wait to think about all the good times we've had here. I give the bad moments a little reflection, too. I hope she comes and I pray that tonight will be added to the good times.
I let my eyes scan the surroundings and find the post where I carved our initials. After I trace them both, I lean my head against the post and try to control my breathing. I realize she hasn't tried to call me, text me, or contact me at all today. I'm suddenly filled with anxiety.
I feel her before I see her and the emptiness that I've carried in my chest for the last month is filled with peace. I turn to look over my shoulder and there she is, so close I can almost reach out and touch her.
"Izzy." I breathe, turning my whole body toward her.
She closes her eyes. "Edward," she answers, so low that I almost don't hear it.
Three steps. That's all it takes and I'm standing right in front of her. I want to touch her but I notice the tension in her body so I hold back. Her hands are clenched in fists at her sides.
"How have you been?" I ask, barely above a whisper.
"Horrible," she answers. "You cut your hair." For the first time in a month reaches up and runs her hands through it. Her touch sends warmth through my whole body.
"Yeah." I grab her hand, because I can't be this close and not hold some part of her.
"And you? How have you been?" she asks, softly. It's like the atmosphere is so fragile that talking at a normal volume will destroy it.
"I missed you," I say as turn her hand and place a kiss in the palm. She smiles, even if it's only a small one, for the first time since she arrived.
I pull her to me in a hug. Her arms slip effortlessly under mine, and I feel her clutching my shirt.
"I'm sorry," she says weakly against my chest.
"Don't."
We stand there, enjoying the feel of being wrapped around each other. Her tears soak into my shirt and I realize I'd do anything to make them stop.
After a moment I simply say, "I love you."
She lets out a sob, and steps back. "No, you don't. I told you not to. You're not allowed." She won't meet my eyes.
"It's too late. I'm a stubborn person," I say, lifting her chin. She won't look at me, but I still see it. I see the very second when it becomes too much.
"I can't. This is for the best. I love you, Edward. I really do."
"Wait, you can say it but I can't? That is such bullshit. Isabella Swan, I love you."
"No!" she yells, stepping back. I grab for her hand before she can get too far away.
"I. Love. You." I emphasize each word before I kiss her, desperately. She doesn't respond at first, and then her hands push against my chest. It seems half-hearted as she doesn't actually pull away from my lips. Slowly, she stops resisting and her lips begin to move with mine. Her hands move from my chest and wander into my hair. It's wonderful to feel her like this again, like no time has passed. When we finally break away, I lean my forehead against hers because I can't stand to be any farther away.
Her hands slip from my hair, run down my shoulders and arms, and stop to clasp my hands. "I love you," she whispers, gently squeezing both my hands. She kisses me once on the lips.
"I love you," I say again.
She chokes back a sob and drops my hands. "Goodbye, Edward."
I don't even try to stop her as she turns and walks away from me. I know her well enough to know that she has made up her mind and it will just be harder for the both of us if I continue to fight. All I can do is drop to my knees and watch her leave. Even after she's gone and I can no longer see her, I can do nothing but stare into the distance.
Love you guys. Everyone of you.
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