A/N Hello, everyone, I apologize immensely for the delays.
Thanks to all Reviewers!
Dedication: To IHaveASiriusObsession for her amazing reviews. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than Marcas together with do i need a pen name.
May Edition
Key:
Bold- Sirius
Italicized- Remus
Underlined - Peter
Regular- James
Bold/Italicized – Brevis
Bold/Underline-Marcas
Italics/Underline-Marlene
Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie
Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).
Hello, and welcome to the May Edition of the Marauder's Monday Magazine, we will begin as always with the Prank of the Day, hosted by me, Peter Pettigrew, as Remus is too busy studying for end of the year exams, and Sirius and James are too busy gloating (more on that later).
Prank of the Day:
This week we're just going to go for a bit of a timeless classic. Steal Filch's cat and cast a color change charm on her, then frame a Slytherin for it and laugh as they get detention. This has been one of our favorites throughout our years at Hogwarts.
'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…), therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'
Normally, we would open with Advice from the Marauders as part of our ongoing attempts to make the Hogwarts populace as awesome as us, however today we would like to take a moment to say we don't care about your problems! We're going to talk about how great we are. Or rather how great the Gryffindor Quidditch Team is.
Me!
See this is why no one wants to date you two.
Is that you, Remus? I thought you had barricaded yourself in the dormitory not to be disturbed until after exams?
FYI, everyone wants to date me.
Plenty of people want to date Sirius, I mean he is pretty awesome, uh, not that I like him like that or anything, because I totally don't! We're just friends…but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate his awesomeness and what not!
Aww, thanks Mars! :D
…Okay then, whatever you say Marlene. And, Peter I do occasionally leave the dorm, we do have a responsibility to the Magazine, and I need to spread the importance of studying to the Hogwarts masses.
That's all well and good, Remus, well, no, it's really not, and it sounds a lot like brainwashing, but we have more important things to focus on! Like the amazing-ness of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I will now describe it to you and our readers in song:
We've paid our dues -
Hour after (agonizing and drawn-out) hour -
We've done our sentence (i.e. Time with Supreme Dictator Potter.)
But committed no crime (If you don't count when you put the whole Slytherin team out of commission). -
And bad mistakes
The rest of the team made a few (Hey! I resent that. I agree with Marlene.)
We've had our share of hexes sent our way -
But we've come through
we are the champions - my friends
and we'll keep on practicing - till the end – (the bitter drawn out end at James' hands).
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers (Slytherins!)
'Cause we are the champions - of Hogwarts! -
We've taken our bows
And our curtain calls -
Quidditch brought us fame and fortune and everything that goes with it
I thank you all -
But it's been no bed of roses (More like sick torture at the hands of a Devil's Snare or James. Either way).
No pleasure flight – (Unless you're James and think five hundred laps around the school in the rain at four a.m. is fun).
I consider it a challenge before the whole student body to try to be as awesome as us -
And we ain't gonna lose – (AREN'T! Not Ain't! Honestly, have I taught you nothing? Don't answer that.)
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on practicing - till the end – (the bitter drawn out end at James' hands).
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers (Slytherins!)
'Cause we are the champions - of Hogwarts! –
Vain, much?
No more than usual.
He does have a point there, Moony.
Not a good one.
A point is a point is a point.
Personally, I'm just glad to have on the match and be done with Quidditch for the year.
BLASPHEMY!
He just means that after training non-stop for weeks it will be nice to have a short break.
Break? Ha! The word break is not in my vocabulary! And if you people still think such a word exists I have obviously not been pushing you hard enough.
I don't think I'm going to like where this is going.
It's times like these where I'm glad I have no athletic talent.
Sure we may have one this year's match, but does that mean we can sit back on our heels?
Uh, yeah, pretty much…
No!
I was afraid he would say that.
We are going to begin practice for the next season immediately and get ahead of everyone! We will practice, practice, practice!
…Noo. No more practice. No more Quidditch. I can't believe I am about to say this: I would rather study. In fact, Remus please, please take me-
And me!
And Marlene, hostage, and make us study with you. I want to go to class, and learn and-and do anything but more practice.
Blasphemy!
I still don't understand how you got McGonagall to sign you out of classes for the entire week before the match.
After we failed to win that one match she began to see that we could actually-actually
Lose?
Thanks, Pete. Yeah, that. I can't say it; it's too dark and horrible. Yeah, so realizing that she agreed to sign us all out of class so that we could practice and win.
No matter, regardless, we cannot take any more practice, please have mercy.
Mercy, ha! Mercy is-
Not in your vocabulary. We know. We know everything!
I wouldn't go quite that far. Nevertheless, James, have you ever stopped to think that if they don't keep their grades up than they will not be allowed to play Quidditch? The year is almost over, Sirius lives at your house, you can make him practice all summer. Marlene will be home with her famous Quidditch player brother and grandfather, she'll get plenty of practice. Just let them study for now so they don't fail.
Fine. But only because I don't have time to break in a new team for next season.
That actually worked?
For now. You lot had better get straight outstandings in return for this break.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's just move on shall we? Now that James and Sirius have had the time to brag about their Quidditch victory over everyone they will hopefully be able to focus on brightening up the-
Sad, sad lives of the Hogwarts populace!
It is now time for advice from the Marauders!
Messrs MWPP, To explain it, the point is to force others to lose by making them think of the two words "The Game" together. If you think of it, you have to exclaim loudly "I LOST THE GAME." There's a thirty minute leeway after losing the game the first time, so you can't lose it before the 30 minutes are up. Moony: -poke- Padfoot took your chocolate! Wormy: But I live in your dorm too! Padfoot: -.- I'm a guy who is plain bored. Prongs: GAWD. I'm about to bribe Lily into going on a date with you.
(Above Letter credited to ElementUchihaMaster)
Did you really need to tell them that? I was hoping to happily pass my life without them ever learning about the game. And with James having just finished the Quidditch Season he will be looking for a new competition.
And, Sirius Orion Black, did you take my chocolate?
Did you take my coffee?
Well, yes, but that was for the betterment of society. Now, give me back my chocolate!
NEVER! Either give me back all my coffee or I will slowly and painfully torture your chocolate. Perhaps I will even melt it down and put it on fruit.
NOT FRUIT! THAT TAINTS THE CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS!
Then return my coffee, it's really quite simple.
I could kill you and get it back just as easily.
Did anyone ever tell you that you're really quite scary?
Yes. You three actually. Most people think I am quite delightful.
…most people don't share a dormitory with you.
Can we PLEASE focus on more important topics? Namely, my coffee. No, Remus you cannot just killed me, because I anticipated you would plan to kill me to get your coffee back so I have stashed it in a super secret place where you will never manage to get it back if you kill me.
With me!
Marlene what did I tell you about revealing the super secret place?
I don't see how it really matters, they can't get into the girl's dormitory, and besides that it is heavily guarded. None of the girls will approach it so bribery won't work either.
And you can't kill Marlene because she's a girl.
How rude. I resent the implication that I am somehow inferior because I am a girl.
Get revenge by returning my chocolate to me.
Nope. You see Sirius is my coffee supplier, so by taking away his coffee you take away my coffee which in turn makes me extremely unhappy.
Fine. Whatever. Return my chocolate, I'll trade you the coffee. Deal?
Deal.
Alright, my turn to reply: Um. I've totally lost the thread of the conversation and actually have no idea what you living in my dorm has to do with anything. Although, I'm quite sure I'd remember if you did in fact live in my dorm. To the best of my recollection only James, Sirius and Remus live there.
My turn:
Dear Dude-Who-Likes-To-Attack-Innocent-Spoinkles-But-Ends-Up-Getting-Totally-Pwned,
Conciseness at it's best, surely.
Thanks, Moony!
I think he was being sarcastic again, mate.
Eh, whatever. You would think that after six years of friendship he'd realize none of us notice his sarcasm so he might as well jus give up.
I live in hope.
Anyway, have you considered perhaps getting a hobby? Gobstones? Chess? Knitting, perhaps? Peter's mum is an excellent knitter, you could get some tips from her, I'm sure he'd be happy to put you in touch.
Sirius O. Black
P.S. You have Lost the Game. BWHAHAHHAAHA.
But I have not! Because I James H. Potter LOSE NO GAME! EVER! No matter what. Because I AM A WINNER!
Would you convince her to go out with me? That'd be great. I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks,
James H. Potter
I think you may have to accept the fact that Lily is never going to go out with you.
NEVER! Lilyflower and I are meant to be united forever! And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever.
Let's just move on to the next question before we're forced to listen to James rhapsodize about the perfection of Evans' eyebrows or something equally horrific.
They are rather perfect, aren't they?
MOVING ON!
Dear Messrs MWPP, I own a much-beloved spoinkle, but there are several people who keep trying to steal it. Who do you think they are and how should I get revenge for this? Where can I hide my spoinkle? Help! Sincerely, Spoinkle-Lover
(The above letter is credited to ariex04)
FINALLY A KINDERED SPIRIT!
Are you sure you aren't just writing letters to yourself?
Positive! Now be silent and let me talk to my fellow spoinkle lover. Well, where to hide it depends on whether you are a boy or a girl and who it is that is trying to steal your spoinkle. If you are a boy than I highly recommend hiding it in the girl's dormitory with a trusted girl friend, not girlfriend, but girl who's your friend, like Marlene, who is my friend and what not. Anyway, they can keep it safe from you and protect it from any male attackers because they cannot enter the girl's dormitories. Also, create decoy spoinkles so they will not realize that they have the wrong one. You can also carry your spoinkle with you at all times, or else transfigure it into a piece of jewelry or something similar so that people will be unable to find it. Good luck in your noble quest to protect your spoinkle.
Sincerely,
Sirius O. Black
Is it sad that the best advice he's ever given is on how to protect a spiky-purple yoyo?
All spoinkles are not purple, FYI, Moony, and also I would appreciate if you could refer to my spoinkle by her proper name: Miss Susan 'Susie' Penelope Spoinkle-Puff Black. Thanks.
Alright, based on Sirius' last response my best advice to you is to seek help immediately and without delay. You need to join a Spoinkle addiction support group and attempt to move on from this sad, sad addiction which seems to claim more lives and IQ points with each passing day. Get help!
Seconded.
Thirded. If that's a word.
It's not.
Ah. Well. The sentiment is the same either way.
You all just don't understand the magic of spoinkles!
Let's just move on before this get's anymore pathetic.
I wonder if he'll still feel that way when he find's out what's next.
On that note we urge you all to stand by.
…thirty minutes later…
Hello, everyone, we've just managed to restrain Remus and tie him to a chair in the corner. He doesn't look it but he is in fact freakishly strong. Anyway, Sirius and I have decided to return the 'favor' done to us a few issues ago and analyze the problems which cause Remus J. Lupin to be somewhat insane.
Or a lot insane as the case may be.
Which Brings us to 'An Analysis of the Sanity of Remus J. Lupin, the Story of A School-Obsessed, Sarcasm-Driven Wizard' by Sirius O. Black, James H. Potter, and Peter Pettigrew
I figure we have maybe ten minutes before he breaks through the ropes and kills us all. So, we had better hustle.
Remus is actually glaring at us rather scarily from the corner in case you were wondering. So, we may as well begin with what is one of his main problems: anger, Remus, in case you didn't know has a huge temper, very prone to angry outburst with little provocation-
He is so going to hurt you when he get's out of those bindings.
Eh. What else is new?
True, true.
Anyway, he gets angry at the slightest thing, he really needs to get some anger management therapy, honestly, you steal his chocolate, copy his homework, transfigure his books into Quidditch supplies, and he acts like you've committed some grave crime.
This is where Remus would usually make some sarcastic comment if he weren't bound and gagged.
Which brings us to his second main problem: sarcasm. Remus cannot even go one hour, or really ten minutes in our presence without feeling compelled to make some kind of sarcastic comment. It really is quite sad.
Plus, no one can even tell whether or not he is being sarcastic and he has stubbornly persisted in refusing to hold up a sign informing us as to whether or not he is being sarcastic.
Inconsiderate, much?
Definitely! And, don't get me started on the school work!
He studies for hours and hours, and forget about trying to convince him to pull a prank during exam season. So boring. Absolutely refuses to have any fun until after exams. I'm surprised we could even get him to leave the library to write this issue with us.
Seeing as how he is currently tied up, I'm sure he regrets the decision to leave said library and after killing us and feeding our entrails to the giant squid he will probably retreat back to his natural habitat among the books.
Meh. He'll get over it…you know eventually.
I dunno. Judging by the maniacal expression on his face I'm pretty sure he is planning to violently end us all.
Which only proves the point. He clearly needs to work on his anger.
Seeing as how the bonds have begun to loosen I think we had better wrap this up before he escapes.
Agreed! Remus' insanity stems from too much time in the library, deep-seated anger issues, and an inability to speak without sarcasm. Anger management, exposure to pranks and holding up signs proclaiming his true meaning can bring healing to his dreadful problems!
We encourage you all to write in offering your support for Remus seeking help. We know he'll appreciate it.
…or kill you all. Which will distract him from killing us which we would also appreciate.
Exactly right, Wormtail. And, now we had best get through the words from our sponsors as fast as possible so that we can run away and hide before Remus escapes.
Brilliant idea, Prongs.
I try.
Selling spiky yo-yos. 9001 Knuts! (IT'S OVER 9000!) Selling them at the Wabberdoodle Gym. Half price if you defeat all the Slytherins there! And by that I mean hex. They are very annoying, and also flabby... they are a sad excuse for members of the gym... so DO IT! :D
(Above ad credited to ElementUchihaMaster)
I can so defeat all the Slytherins there! As I just totally pwned them in Quidditch. It's no surprise that they are sad excuses as gym members especially after their humiliating defeat at our hands. Bwhahahaha!
YES! SPOINKLES! SPOINKLES! SPOINKLES!
…sometimes I feel like I'm the most sane one here.
It's entirely possible. Which begs the question, do you think Lily would love me if I worked out more?
Honestly, let's just move on in a blatant attempt to avoid answering his question.
Great idea, Padfoot.
TIRED OF STUDYING AND STUDYING AND STILL FLUNKING TEST? WE HAVE THE ANSWER YES WE DO "THE MARAUDERS TEST POTIONS" GUARANTEED TO HELP YOU PASS ANY TEST! IN ANY CLASS! Standard restrictions apply, if you pass or almost pass test DO NOT take the marauders test potions, if you are allergic to hippotoads, grass or peanut butter, do not take the marauders test potions. If test grades go down or stand still, stop taking the potion and run like #$% THANKYOU please see the marauders for details
We created this potion especially for people like our dear Wormtail who could use an extra boost, we encourage anyone tired of failing tests to seek out the potions to find rapid improvement in scores.
I can personally vouch for the effectiveness of these potions, they also have a pleasant pumpkin-y flavor.
REMUS IS ALMOST LOOSE! PANIC!
And on that note we shall conclude this issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine. Please hit the rectangular button send us any comments, questions, advertisements, jokes, pranks, and article suggestions that you may have.
Until Next time…
…This has been Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!
A/N Review, please. Update should be on Tuesday if I am up to it. Updating this story literally takes hours. But definitely at some point next week.