AN:Disclaimer I do not own any characters from Glee.
Thanks for everybody reading and reviewing.
Ok so here's a stick to hit me with for lying to you again. Once you're done beating me read this.
Chapter Ten: The Cardinal Law
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I ripped my hands from the table to thrust them into my purse for my wallet. Dropping a five on the table, I waved bye to Cassidy from across the diner and collected my things.
My phone flashed 12:46 and I shoved it into my pocket. I pushed through the back entrance, the bell clanking angrily as I threw open the door. Stepping out on the wooden stair case the sun blazed down onto me. I flicked my sunglasses down over my eyes to block out the bright light. From the elevation of the steps to the back of the diner I was able to see the entire parking lot and inadvertently searched the lot again for Brittany's silver Honda.
Even after my revelation that I would never love another person as strongly as I loved Brittany. Could never find someone like Brittany, and I blamed her for this.
I still sought her out.
Desperately so.
Despite my boiling rage, I could never stay mad at her. Just scanning the parking lot in hope to see her car, or a flash of her hair; froze the heat behind my eyes. I unclenched my fists and took hold of the metal railing.
Brittany may have kicked my sorry ass to the curb, but at least she made me true to myself. Without her I would still be milling around with guys, hopping from one to the next. At least now I was doing that with my preference and without feeling ashamed for it.
Even if I was happy with who I was, there was still a hole in my heart.
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I spent a lot of time thinking about how this would go down. I played out every scenario that I could think of. I thought about telling them together and separately. The combination of my father's most probable indifference and my mother's potential freakout didn't appeal to me.
Definitely separate.
I didn't want them to join forces and drag me out of the house by my hair and toss me into the street. I hoped they wouldn't do that, but I always plan for the worst. I wasn't pregnant like Quinn was, but it just felt like I was letting them down somehow.
My planning led me to the one person that I trusted, someone that would still love me when they found out. When I told them that I was gay, super gay, and in love with my best friend.
It was early in the evening when I set out on the short drive to Lima Heights to visit my Aunt Sonia.
I didn't remember the drive, nor did I remember feeling my legs climb the steps of the porch. When my brain finally caught up to my external world I was standing under the dim light in front of Sonia's door. It was an unusually hot day in late July and I was sweating from more than just the heat. At least I had made the correct decision with my thin shirt to counteract my unwise choice of jeans.
My arm was heavy and trembling as I lifted it to press the illuminated door bell on the side of the door. It wasn't but a few seconds before my aunt greeted me at the door. Her smile dropped from her face and she pulled me into a crushing hug.
"Tana, what's wrong baby girl?" I squeezed her back, pressing my face into her shoulder. Holding onto the few precious moments I would have if she rejected me.
I answered her question with a shake of my head, faintly feeling the tears roll down my face.
"Hey, come on now. Why are you crying?" She pushed away to brush the tears off my cheeks. I couldn't tell her standing in the door way. It wasn't a part of the plan.
Well neither was me crying, but I had to allow some room for deviation.
Sonia placed a kiss on the top of my head and pulled me into her living room sitting me on the couch. She sunk into the overly fluffy couch next to me, pushing my hair from my face.
"Hey is Santana here?" A tall tanned man with a goofy goatee stumbled into the living room and collapsed into a recliner.
"Yeah, she's right here." My aunt gestured to me as if he hadn't seen me yet. "Brad can I talk to Santana alone?" Brad waved at me and popped the top to her beer bottle.
"Sure thing baby. One request, you have to give me a kiss." The man pointed to his forehead, "Right here."
My aunt rolled her eyes, but stood and planted a kiss on his forehead. "Why don't you practice darts? The boys are coming over tomorrow right? You gotta prepare yourself."
Brandon, my aunt's live-in boyfriend of seven years, took a long pull from his bottle before standing and shuffling over to the steps down to the basement. "You don't need practice when you're this good."
"Uh huh, I thought being good meant winning." Sonia teased him and he slurred something I couldn't understand from the basement steps. She returned to her seat on the couch, slightly turned towards me with her arm propping up her head on the back of the sofa.
I leaned back into the cushions and stared at the muted television. It was a baseball game, two teams I didn't know or care about. Brad was originally from St. Louis and kept his crazy fandom after the move.
I tried to zone out and ignore my problem. I didn't want to tell my aunt. I knew I needed too, because I needed to know that someone had my back on this. Someone other than my teenage friends.
But what if she didn't. My hands clenched around each other in my lap at the thought. What if she was repulsed by me, what if she hated me?
The only sound was the soft thump of darts hitting the board downstairs. After a few more minutes of prolonged silence between my aunt and me, she sighed and spoke.
"Is it boy problems?" By the tone of her voice Sonia meant it jokingly, breaking the ice to get me talking; but I visibly flinched from her words. Which probably spurred her next question and her hand clamped over mine.
"You're not pregnant are you?" She rushed out in a whisper.
I tried to laughed, but it came out as a broken sob.
"Tana do you know for sure?" Sonia raked a hand through her hair hastily. "Sometimes you can just be late. I mean it might not…" She was darting her eyes all over the room, probably looking for her purse and keys to drive me to the pharmacy and buy a test.
"No." I shook my head and wiped the tears on the green bandana tied to my wrist. "No. That's not why I'm here."
"Oh, thank goodness." Sonia immediately settled down, relief flashing across her face. "What's on your mind then honey?"
"I dunno." I dropped my gaze back to the TV.
For some reason I couldn't do it. All of my courage left me. I had built up my confidence before driving over to Lima Heights, but sitting in my aunt's living room everything felt out of control.
It was just two words, three if I didn't want to use a contraction. But they were so… scary.
"Santana, you asked to come over. You told me you wanted to talk. I'm not going to push you, but I can tell that my lil Sanny is upset." Sonia placed a hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed.
"You know I love you, right? You can tell me anything?" She searched my eyes, begging me to spill.
I stiffened. "Do you really?" I stared at the glass coffee table collecting myself; taking inventory of the water rings, opened mail, and magazines littering its surface.
If she was going to reject me, I didn't want to cry. I would rather scream and tell her that she was terrible one, than have her kick me out of her house in a sobbing mess. I had to test the waters first, protect myself from all the hurt she could cause.
"Of course. You're my favorite, but you can't tell anyone else. They'll be even more jealous of you." Her voice was light, but I could feel her eyes bore into mine searching for the prompt of the question.
"But what if… what if I did something you didn't like." I fidgeted with the hem of my thin grey shirt. I was quickly losing the small amount of confidence I still had. I didn't know how being gay was 'doing something'; more like 'doing someone', but words tumbled from my mouth in a mess.
"I like everything you do, especially the bad stuff." Sonia smiled at me, combing her hand through my hair. I was thankful that she was so lighthearted, but I needed her to be serious with me.
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. Sonia's hand dropped down to my arm to pull my hand into her lap.
"I would be disappointed, but I wouldn't hate you. There's nothing you could do to make me hate you. I love everything about you."
It was like she said the magic words. I launched myself onto her chest and crumbled. I wanted so badly for her to stay true to her words. For Sonia to be honest. Not be the liar I knew she could be hiding.
"Please don't lie." I cried into her shoulder. The material of her shirt was quickly becoming damp from my never ending cascades.
"I would never lie to you Santana." She ran a hand over my back to console me, pulling me closer.
"You'll always love me? No matter what?" I managed to be somewhat coherent between my broken gasps and tears falling over my lips.
"Always and forever. Thick and thin. Whoever you are and whatever you do. Nothing could stop me from loving you."
I pulled away from her. Swallowing my sobs, forcing myself to be strong and get it over with.
"I… I'm." I took a deep breath. After the buildup, there was no turning back.
I reached out for her hands and held them tightly, letting them fall to the soft fabric of the couch between us. I held my chin up, blinked away the water lingering in my eyes, and spoke as evenly as I could.
"I'm gay."
Sonia was silent for a moment, her eyes softened but she didn't look away. She squeezed my hands and smiled.
"Are you sure?" She pushed strands of hair sticking to the side of my face behind my ear.
"Yes…" I looked up to her face before I continued. "I'm very sure."
Sonia eyes skittered around the room finally resting on our joined hands. "I'm happy that you told me. But Tana, this isn't something bad. You're not bad."
"Everyone else thinks it's bad." Fresh tears pricked at my eyes, but I managed to pull them back.
"Well everyone else can screw off. Nobody messes with a Lopez." She gave me a soft smile. "So who is it?"
This wasn't the response I fathomed. I planned from anger to a version of 'it's ok'. I didn't think that she'd be asking who I was gay for… no, who I loved.
"My… best friend." I looked away, suddenly embarrassed for some reason. What if she didn't like Britt?
"That little rich blonde girl? The one pregnant last year?" Astonishment flashed over Sonia's face, followed closely by confusion.
"No, no, no. It's Brittany that I fell for…" I waved my hands to stress the difference between Quinn and Brittany.
"Oh, the tall one, Brittany right? She's got those pretty blue eyes." Sonia nudged my shoulder. "I can see why you'd fall for her. I remember her from your competitions."
I nodded to confirm that it was indeed the tall blue eyed blonde that stole my heart. Though there was so much more to Brittany than her hair and eye color. There were a million things that made her beautiful, from the freckles on her shoulders to the wrinkles on her fingers. They all came together to make a masterpiece.
There was a silence over us for a few seconds. With each tick of the clock I could feel myself grow a little lighter. Like a small weight lifting from my shoulders, a wall cracking around my heart, finally getting a breath of fresh air.
"You know…" Sonia grinned at me. "Ed had a thing for blondes during his undergrad years. Like father like daughter I suppose is the saying now." I scrunched my face to show my displeasure to the information. I didn't want to hear about my father's conquests. I didn't even like to think that my parents were ever intimate. Not even twice to conceive me or André.
"So you're not… mad?" I fidgeted with my bandana, tightening it.
"Honey for a second you had me thinking you murdered someone and you were asking me to help you hide the body." I smiled. Sonia was always a lighthearted person. She could never stay serious for very long. "No, I'm not mad at you. Why would I be?"
I shrugged. I had just thought that she would be. That everyone would be upset.
"Let's get a drink." She pulled me up from the couch and into the kitchen. I sat at the breakfast table in the corner as she brought over two sodas from the refrigerator.
"Have you told your mom and dad? André?" She sat the drink in front of me and I quickly popped the top and took a sip as she took a seat across from me.
"No. Not yet. I plan to, but I just wanted… I wanted to make sure I had somewhere to go." I looked away ashamed of myself. If my parents did kick me out, I wanted to be sure I had somewhere to go. I'm sure Britt's mom would take me in. I was like a third child to her. Under the circumstances, however, I think that both she and I would have to reconsider.
Sonia scoffed at me. "Like Ed would kick his baby girl out on the street." It made me feel better, knowing that my dad wasn't going to kick me out. But I was still very unsure. My mother was a much different animal than my father. One with stronger Catholic guilt.
"What if they hate me?" I wiped at the condensation on the can with my finger, drawing an S and a little heart next to it.
"They can't hate you." Before I could draw the next letter Sonia stilled my hand with her own.
"Well what if they get mad." I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes again. Sonia sighed and stood to come behind me, giving me a hug.
"I can tell you that I highly doubt your father is going to be mad. And you know how you're mother is. Give her a day or two to cool off and she'll be back to her snobby self." She planted a kiss to the top of my head.
"I don't want them to be mad." She tightened her grip around my shoulders before she released me.
"Neither do I Tana, but this is something that gets worse with time. You've gotta tell them. You can't spring a girlfriend on them. It'd be better if they know beforehand, let the idea marinate."
"I don't have a girlfriend." I wiped away the little drawing on the side of the can with my palm.
"Oh, I just assumed that you and Brit-"
"No. She and I are… We both admitted that we love each other… but it's just… It's complicated." I shook my head and pressed my fingers to my temple. Our relationship at the moment was a huge ball of what the fuck.
"Hmm, I bet it is." Sonia sipped at her drink and we fell into a comfortable silence. I looked down at the little owls on the table. They were salt and pepper shakers that I had got her for Christmas years ago.
"Do you think it's bad?" The little owls stared up at me encouraging me somehow when I felt so unsure of myself. "That I love her."
Sonia grasped my hands on the table and took on a rare serious expression.
"I already told you no. But let me tell you something. You can't choose who you love. Man or woman." She motioned to the floor.
"That drunken oaf downstairs, I fell in love with him. I can't tell you how much flack I get from Nana about him on a daily basis. People think I'm fool, and those people can think it's bad all they want. But in the end it doesn't matter. He treats me better than any other man I've ever met, and I love him to pieces.
"You love who you love. Can't change it even if you want to. You and Brittany, or any other girl for that matter; people are going to think that it's wrong. But you can't let that stop you from loving someone. The alternative is hiding yourself from love, and you'll be miserable for the rest of your life."
I looked down to my soda and frowned.
That had been the path I was on. Denying my feelings and taking it out on everyone around me. I had felt so confined. Like one wrong step and I would die. Now, after hearing Sonia, I felt so unrestrained.
"Don't ever think it's bad to love someone. Screw what everyone else thinks." I smiled and she beamed back at me.
Her words lifted me up, and I felt happy. I was happy that Sonia came through for me, and that I was right about her. She gave me the confidence I needed. The kind that had to come from family.
"When do you think I should tell them?" Sonia raised her eyebrows and shrugged.
"I don't know. That's up to you, the sooner the better." She paused. "But don't build it up so much… You really freaked me out there for a second."
The rest of the week I spent my time worrying over the best time to tell my father and then my mother. My father received the message much better than my mom. He didn't say much, but he did give me a rare hug. My mom used a few choice words, as did I in retort; but the following day she told me that she didn't care who I loved as long as I was happy.
I would rather that she did care who I loved, but I suppose that her ignoring it was better than nothing. I was happy that they accepted it, like they knew the whole time.
However, it didn't really even matter at the moment; since I didn't have anyone to make me happy.
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I took the stairs to the asphalt one at a time. There was a heavy weight on my shoulders that I couldn't shake off. It was like I had a chain wrapped around my neck, keeping me from running to my car. I felt terrible for leaving, but I felt just as bad for sitting in there waiting for someone who wasn't going to show.
I wanted the world to reflect my turmoil. The ground should open up and swallow families, fire rain down from the sky, mountains crumble, and rivers flood. However it was a really nice day, sunny and warm.
As I trudged through the parking lot the breeze caught in the lush leaves of the trees, dancing to the beat. Everything around me, the world, was calm. It did nothing to help ease the tension in my chest. I probably should go for a jog when I got home, work off some steam. Who am I kidding… I'm going to lay in my bed watching Sweet Valley High while I slip into my newest depression…
A polished black SUV, a Cadillac, was rolling down the narrow aisle forcing me to sidle against the parked cars in the lot. The driver was an auburn headed woman in her early thirties or late twenties with two kids bobbing their heads in the back seats. I paused behind a white Nissan Sentra to leer at her. My guilty pleasure for eye candy recently has been more matured women. Well actually, just older ladies with nice cars.
I beamed my champion smirk at the woman as the vehicle slowly made its way pass me.
I glanced over my shoulder to find the woman staring at me in her side mirror. At least one thing was going my way today. I decided to be a little more amorous, drop my sunglasses down and give the mother of two a wink.
As I was enjoying teasing the lady in the Cadillac the driver in the Nissan must had become impatient with me or completely oblivious to my existence, because I found myself almost toppled to the ground. I staggered, but was able to regain my balance. If I had been in heels I would have been eating the pavement.
Lucky for me, unlucky for them.
Whoever was at the wheel of the car was going to face the unrestrained fury of Santana Lopez.
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TBC
AN:Let me know what you think about things and stuff. To make it up to you I'm going to post the next chapter in a day or two.